Obama won the nomination. I got to read an interview with Jamison Covington after school today. I checked out a book on Fitzgerald today from the library but I missed the bus as a result of that. Today’s the 89th anniversary of the nineteenth amendment being added to the constitution (yo, look it up.)

Today was strange, though. In fifth period, all these random people started talking to me, about memories of me that they have. Melissa was talking about how she has never seen me angry and how no one really knew me until she mentioned how quiet I am. But honestly, Melissa and I have never been close- we may have known each other ever since first grade, but that fact is so incredibly deluding. I haven’t known her. I don’t know much about her that I have learned directly. Derek was talking about how he had shop with me and how he helped me once with sawing wood. I didn’t even think about it until he told me. It’s strange how people notice these things and actually commit them to memory. I thought that remembering little things like that was exclusive only to me.

Before we were eligible for housing, we lived with a few of dad’s friends for a few months. We passed by their house a few days ago and dad asked me for the first time if I remembered them. Quite honestly, I vividly remembered it and thought about the experience a lot, but I thought I made it all up so I didn’t really consider it.

All-in-all, I have to admit, I’m tired of having to keep up socially. It is so draining to be with people. I try so hard to seem well-adjusted and it works up to the point at which I become indifferent and no longer care. Because I find something else to interest me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that hiding my ADD from people, even if my parents told me to, is not that large of an objective anymore. It should be. But I just don’t care. Learning about ADD helped me a little, in that some of the things I do are not particularly genuine anymore. I was surprised to find that a hypersensitivity to touch is common for people who have ADD. That’s comforting, even if absolutely no one will obey that anyhow.

God, I just want to run away and hide for a little while.

Glass shadows from your unsteady grip

We’ve been doing review. These sessions are certainly helping, however, it becomes extremely awkward when there’s only one student besides me who is in the room. Yeah. Our class is full of the stupidest people, really- they need this review more than I do- I thought there would be more people around.

My teacher realized yesterday, for the first time, that I am a sophomore. He thought I was a senior this entire time. He said that he doesn’t think there has been a sophomore sign up for the class before. He said that he is impressed. So strange how that happens. I love how my teachers think more highly of me than my parents do.

Honestly, all this scrutiny I have to put up with when it comes to my parents has begun to take its toll on me. But I realize that I need to stay strong in my convictions that I’m the person that I want to be. I have to remain confident in that such a reason is enough of a justification for anyone. I admit, though, I can’t help but feel like I’m less than intelligent; I’m not worth the time; my efforts are worthless in terms of making any sort of improvement in my life; I’m a useless degenerate. You know, those sorts of conclusions. I know I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t change that. The least I could do is be happy with myself, because I can’t change anything else anyway.

I’m tired of fighting this, though. I’m tired of having to keep myself above from the things they say to me. I’m tired of having to maintain these standards that are so far from what the public expects and agree with. I’m tired of having to justify myself to them. I mean, what has combating this ever done for me? What has fighting for my convictions ever accomplished? Yeah. And what’s even worse is that I can’t really talk to people about this. This topic is just too heavy for me to handle with repose. I lose my structure. I show weakness. Not only that, but I fall once more into the stereotype of a female. And oh, how much I try to keep myself above that, too. I suppose that’s the reason why I end up acting so insensitive.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’m on new meds that are supposed to be better than what I was on before. Its effects are quite different in comparison to my other medication, among them are that it’s supposed to make me less irritable, less disconnected with people, less anxious, yeah.

My mother will not leave me alone about my grades. She thinks that if she doesn’t keep on me about it, that I will flunk out of school. Just because she dropped out of high school, it doesn’t mean that I’ll do the same. I know how important doing well in school is- overwhelmingly so. But uh, yeah. I’ve been saving up my money for the past six months, so when the first opportunity I get to leave this house arrives, I’ll be prepared. How morbid.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I spend my time with. My peer circle, if you will. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are no longer crucial to my intellectual growth. What I mean by that is- I’m tired of all their melodrama. It is no longer fun to be around them. I mock their existence constantly. If anything, I am only around because Megan and Cody are there. I care very little about everyone else. The only conclusion I have come up with in this area is that, well, it’s better to be alone than to be with inferior people.

You are a victim of the rules you live by.

I’m so irritated right now. That gummy feeling I get at times like these just won’t go away. And lately I’ve realized that this microcosm I live in is so pointless and the only things I think about lately are, indeed, pointless as well. I don’t know, jumping into dating (although, it’s not just that) seems to have outlined the way I deal with people and my relationships with people. Not only that, but it’s making me face so many things that I’ve been avoiding.

“You know, Amanda, as time goes by, I realize how lucky I am to have been friends with you so long and to be so close to you. Because I realize how difficult it is for other people to get close to you.”

Megan told me this a few days ago. And a few weeks ago, too. :3 I don’t know, in her saying that, she points out that there are people vying for my attention and I shut them down if they try too hard. Because it overwhelms me. I realize, as time goes on, I become more and more like my mother and I do not want to mirror my mother’s social style. In a lot of ways, I feel like she’s Magwitch and I’m Pip. But then again, it’s not like this habit of mine is inherited. I could fix it if I tried hard enough. I’m just afraid of having to be in that situation in which I can do nothing to relieve the social tension.

I don’t know, I thought I was a really strong person but I’ve come to realize that I am afraid of so many abstract things- which is considerably worse than fearing concrete things.  The thing is, I’ve spent so much time on self-improvement within the last year, but I feel like I have achieved nothing. I pushed myself. I put myself in situations that I didn’t want to be in. I set up rules and I followed them, because I thought they were for the greater good. I challenged myself and the way I perceived things. Aw, but you know, not all anguish leads to self-actualization and I realized that. “Everything in moderation,” is pointless if you cannot figure out where the midpoint is. Diathesis-stress model.

And embarking on a new relationship doesn’t mitigate the problem. This isn’t to say that I’m going to give in and back out of this relation-date-tionship thing I have going on right now. Or any time soon. I have to try new things out and see how this goes. I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I’m just saying that I’m really freaking scared right now.

I’m afraid of what I could potentially do to myself, as vacuous as that sounds. I don’t want to make the mistakes my friends have. I realize that a relationship can only fulfill that part in my life, but I’m afraid that I could monopolize that resource. It sucks that I’m dating one of my best friends because when the relationship inevitably ends (come on, we all know I’m not going to marry my first boyfriend) the friendship will be ruined, too. No matter how much we assure each other of an attractive dissolution, I know it’s not going to work out that positively. It never does.

And the pain of losing that friendship is enough to make me want to end this relationship altogether before we become too attached. Just because his last relationship was a long-term and successful one, it doesn’t mean that this relationship will be, and I don’t want to be around when this thing ends.

Oh, and the fact that no matter how much you love someone or how much you trust them, there’s virtually no way to remain confident that they won’t decide to remove themselves from your life altogether some day, isn’t helpful, either.

And you won’t ever know how much I care!

Aw, I’m in love with this I and the Universe stuff. Even if it’s only four songs, and one of them is basically the same verse on repeat.

My english teacher called me up and tried to talk to me again today. I was calmer and thus able to speak coherently. He is the strongest person I know, and I don’t doubt that even now. But he said to me, “The water’s under the bridge, but I know it hurts. I’ve been living with that kind of pain for the past forty-four years. It feels the same as it did when it first happened- can you believe it?”

It was strange. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I felt so awkward- I began shaking, I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, it was a stupid overestimation, but one cannot control the things the body does at that point. It was surprising, I suppose, because I had expected him to gloss over it and explain how things get better, how the pain will go away, how I’ll grow old and forget about it, how I’ll mature and outgrow it. I appreciate, though, that he didn’t lie to me about it just to make me feel better. I’m really going to miss having him as a teacher next year, since he’s retiring.

__

Time for teen angst. And really stupid verbs used incorrectly, such as, “like.” (Really, I hate using this term but it is the easiest and shortest term available to describe my thought)

I dig my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I know- stupid. I can’t stand myself because of it. I know nothing will ever happen and if he were to attempt to advance our friendship, I would ultimately be forced to reject him because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were to betray her. I spend tons of time with him now, which I also cannot stand because of how weird I get. And the guilt of flirting with him, whatever that means.

And then there’s this other guy that rides my bus. He’s somewhat older than I am, but he’s much more fun than the person I’ve mentioned already. He’s political, witty, funny, POLITICAL, and charismatic. Megan said that morally, this guy is the better choice since I wouldn’t be betraying anyone. She also said that he’s more well-rounded than the other homeskillet. The thing is, though, I’m a year his junior and we spend virtually no time together. I have spanish class with him and we sometimes sit next to each other on the bus, but that is the extent to which I speak to him. I would love to speak to him more. Perhaps I should express this, but I do not want it to become weird since I hardly know him.

The only tiebreaker seems to be that the second dude is more mature. And that I wouldn’t hurt anyone in the process of courtship.

And the fact that expending my resources on this part of my life is not the most responsible thing to do. I went to the Cambridge and Oxford University websites, and it was such a reality-check for me. First, the costs are outrageous. Second, Cambridge recommends for undergraduate students from the United States to be within the top one percent of their class for him or her to be considered for admission. Decidedly, my grades aren’t terrible, but they could definitely be better and if I want to do well- if I want to do whatever I plan on doing- I’d better be prepared academically.

The only thing that really motivates me is to become independent, and college is the way to get there. It may not be complete and utter autonomy, but it is closer to whatever sort of state I’m in now. I want to be able to live up to my own standards and beliefs and not be tied down by those that my parents have. In order to achieve this, I have to do well. If anything, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from becoming absolutely hopeless.

By the way, “charismatic,” is one of the best adjectives to use to describe someone. It’s so complimentary, at least to me, to be described as “charismatic.”

Hah, wow. My creative writing prompt from last year. Now I feel like I can reflect on it properly.

The thing is, it sounds too serious. The tone is too much for me. I say, “the,” too often when I link verbs to nouns. The entire story is all pretty disjointed. The play on words is great, but I think I lost the meaning because I was trying so hard to manipulate the words like that. It was a bit distracting, too. It takes a great deal of effort to understand what the plot line is because of how poetic it is. Some of it, I’m not sure of other people can understand because of the metaphors I used. I like it, in the sense that the character introduces herself in a pretty straightforward way. I didn’t want it to be so in-your-face that you could tell the author was just trying to characterize the person they are talking about. I introduced it all by saying something along the lines of, “when in situations that require small-talk, once discusses the following.” Or something like that. I would like to rewrite it, however, I think it’s best for me to keep it the way it is out of nostalgia.

… It doesn’t help that Debbie said it made her giggle when she read it at first. That made me feel very self-conscious.

I was trying to find the excerpt when I stumbled across my old entries from last year. Man, so much has changed in just a few months. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it alot. There are certain songs that I listened to so much last year, that they pretty much describe the entire year:

1. Frame by Frame- The Honorary Title. I loved this song for a few months. Like, that was the only song I listened to for months. It always reminds me of how stressful last year was. It’s not so much the words that make/made me feel emotional, it was the music that did it.
2. Tune Out- The Format. I listened to this song while I was making my dress for freshman and when I was reading Les Miserables. It reminds me of spring so much because it was the only time I really enjoyed the song.
3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups. Man, I listened to this song this year, too. It’s mostly another angst song about homeskillet.
4. When Paula Sparks- Copeland. Yeah, this song really hits the spot. Another angst song.
5. Photography- The Starting Line. Man, so much emotion here. It builds so nicely. This has to be one of my favorite songs by them. There’s a period of time in which my entries begin with quotes only from that song, I think it was April or May, because I couldn’t think of another song I liked to refer to, haha.

When it’s with those angst songs, I tend to feel a sense of remorse for myself because of how terrible things were at the time. I don’t feel that way about what has happened this year, though, even if it’s worse than last year. I guess it’s because I don’t feel closure for that right now. It could still get worse.

In all honesty, though, I was going crazy last year. No one can really grasp that. I was stuck in a state of being and un-being. I was trying to figure things out. The entries that I wrote back then are pretty intense. I had never felt so strange, stressed out, or inert than I had at that time. Despite that, though, I wish I was back at that point again. Creativity flowed.

But nobody says that you are so late.

Today, one of our teachers gave a presentation on Black History. He is a great speaker and I respect him tons. I was looking forward to the presentation. And, yeah, it was a spectacular presentation, except I knew almost everything within it. I was hoping for some sort of epiphany to occur, and even if it did for almost everyone else in the audience, it did not occur for me. I already view life in the way that he had hoped to establish during the presentation.

Decidedly, I have not had an epiphany in a while. Primarily because I have already questioned most of what life is right now- I have an opinion on virtually anything people can throw at me when it comes to societal issues. And this is what bugs me- his presentation did not inspire anything within me. All it did was confirm my doubts, or whatever.

But still. Someone give me some sort of confidence that this was an okay thing to happen. I feel like a bit of a loser. Having known everything and the insight and stuff made that powerpoint virtually useless to me. I wished so much for that to have reached down into the depths of my soul and brought about something to think about.

I feel so disappointed, and I can only attribute that to myself because I know stuff. And that irritates me.

Your mascara paints my bed.

William Tell isn’t that bad.

Today, I stayed home. Such drama ensued after that, which, ultimately, stressed me out and made this “Relaxation Day,” pointless. It wasn’t even a Relaxation Day, I was just waiting for these stupid muscles to stop contracting and let my uterine BREATHE for a little while, gosh.

Today is my brother’s birthday. I bought him two books. I don’t think he’ll ever read them, but at least I said I tried. That was the only positive thing about today involving him. He’s in a good bit of trouble. It frustrates me so much how stupid he can be.

I am pretty stressed out right now. I mean, the whole thing with my brother raised the most existential question ever relating to how he never seems to be in a state of senescence in my mind, and how I don’t acknowledge the reality of the situation. Gosh, I’m so illogical when it comes to that. Not to mention that I’m absolutely cracking the whip this semester- I’m not going to slack off any longer- I need to bring my grades up, or at least, secure my grades enough so I won’t have to worry about them.

I finished my dress for Tolo, but I still have to buy my tickets, establish plans with Amelia, buy stuff for it, etc.

NOT TO MENTION, that there is virtually no way that I can see Obama tomorrow, which saddens me deeply. I mean, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and because my father works, I can’t go. God, I can’t wait until I’m older and am able to manage affairs like those. Even if I know that I am lucky to be so young and that I don’t have to worry about paying bills, blah, blah, blah. I appreciate life enough to be able to complain about it, natches.

I’ll give you some more satisfaction.

I ate lunch with Cody today. It was really amusing, like it always is with him. I miss him so much. Hah, it’s amazing how quickly I changed my mind about him after I really got to know him. It’s so strange admitting that I used to really dislike him.

This carpool ordeal is over, kind of. Which alleviates so much stress from my life right now, you have no clue.

I failed my world history test. I’m not being hyperbolic, either.

There isn’t school tomorrow, so I hope to finally finish my dress. Or whatever.

Mallorie recommended a song by Damien Rice. I checked it out, and it’s one of my favorite songs right now. Hmm. She looks like the kind of person who would be all, “omgz fob.” But she isn’t. Or at least, I don’t think she is. I hate Hot Topic for the fact that I now have to be wary of and seek out… Scene Kids.

I keep receiving these strange magazines in the mail. The sad thing is, I probably ordered them for free and I don’t remember doing so. I suck.

The democratic debates are airing tonight. And I swear: I. Will. Watch. It.

Made for his lover who’s floating and choking with her hands across her face

Given all of the epiphanies I’ve experienced, the result has been so much change within the last couple of months. I’m not sure whether they are good ones. Basically, I gave up on the only person I will ever love; my sexual orientation has changed once more to being a nonexistent one; half of the people I knew months ago I don’t even talk to anymore, and half the people I do know now annoy me.

Swollen and small is where you’ll find me now

Er, so, basically, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not detract from it. So, maybe I should spend less time with this person, if all they do is annoy me. Or put me in this awkward position of choosing a side. Immaturity does not wash well with me.

Long-winded promises of future company.

… Up close, the sound remains the same. Without the reign of terror over any momentary change, we are exactly as before.

Wow, at times, listening to Motion City really changes perspective.

I took two tests today and I have one more left. Mmph.

I have virtually no plans. Tolo is coming up very soon, therefore, there’s this frantic throng of women trying to find a mate. It’s quite sad. I’ve come to the consensus that I’m not going. There isn’t a point. Although, my idea of a dress will probably apply to Allie’s party instead.

But, uh, I’m going to the commissary tomorrow? Is that even something to look forward to?

Today was extraordinarily long. I can’t believe I even got through it. I nearly fell asleep as I was waiting for Mr. Speck to come to the room so I can turn in my vocabulary test.

I have very little to talk about. But I”m in the mood to type, so I’ll just run with it.

I’ve been consumed with the idea that, as sad as it may be, I will inevitably die alone. That sucks because I’m the coolest person I know. I’m not too shabby looking, either. Maybe if I threw my self out there, I’ve get myself a man. Decidedly, as much as I try to avoid the craze of Tolo, it has come for me somehow and I think I may be buying into it. Because, essentially, after the dance everyone is going to be a couple again and I’ll be alone like I always am. Not the thing I’m looking for, really. If this school wasn’t so full of idiots and druggies, then I could conceivably have a chance at dating someone who has at least half of the standard brain mass of a teenager. These are the people that are bringing that average down.

The worst thing is, a relationship and that sort of intimacy is the last thing I want for myself right now. I hate being touched. I hate it. There isn’t even a person I like anymore. I won’t deny that I feel somewhat lonely, though. It sucks having friends and suddenly, they disappear because they care more about their boyfriends/girlfriends. I’m tired of this happening to me, because clearly, it’s impossible to predict whether someone will someday decide substitute you. Somehow, I find myself wanting this even if it’s the antithesis of whatever I really want in my life right now. And that annoys me.

Man, we would be lonely together.

Man, this new Honorary Title record is great.

Today, I went to Key Club with Debbie. It was a refreshing experience, seeing as we had an actual conversation and had some degree of fun during it. Things are slowly, but surely, getting better. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person who is having a positive experience involving her.

On Friday, we had this guest speaker come in to talk in AP Psychology and World History. The first speaker was great. The second speaker was an ignorant jerk who I hope that I never have to see vocalize their thoughts ever again! It’s amazing how much I absolutely disliked his presentation. He started out with this dude-speak that is supposedly inherent among males whenever they are outside of their profession. That, I tried to ignore, but since I’m flaming him right now, it’s fine for me to add it into my commentary. His presentation was okay up until he said:
“Those suicide bombers must be the stupidest people on this planet. I mean, really, what a weak way to fight.”

Er. Okay.

1. Suicide bombers/terrorists are not innately stupid. Most of the time, they are quite intelligent- phDs and all. It would be wonderful if the antithesis were true, in which case, we could just amp up the literacy programs and this problem would be quelled. I would go onwards with a antitheistic speech, but I’ll spare you that.
2. Suicide bombers do not do what they do to “fight.” They do it because they believe that sacrificing themselves will reward them with eternal paradise after death.
3. Oh, the irony within his statement was so overwhelming. He walked into the room, throwing in “likes” and “reallys” like there was no tomorrow. The last time I heard, using words like those bring your IQ down by at least three points. Not to mention that if that were the case- they would be on the same playing field. He is there, too, sacrificing himself for ideals he believes in.

Onwards with the first speaker, then. Haha, let’s put the cart before the horse today!

The first speaker was wonderful. She was a clinical psychologist from the navy. She stressed rationality, which made my heart explode. All-in-all, the way she talked about how psychologists think and observe problems made me feel like I could, possibly, succeed within this field. I may not be interested in clinical psychology, but still.

… This led me to this great epiphany about how I should get back onto the OMGZ SCHOOL complex once more. Y’know, how I should try a little more.

Gosh, I hate living here.

I did nothing over the weekend. I pondered beginning my dress for Tolo, which I abruptly ignored. Radio Free Roscoe is on television once more, which is the cutest show EVAR, so that brightened up life a bit.

I had so much to say but I don’t really remember anymore. D:

My confidence has been tested, and I can surely say that I don’t like anyone at all. It’s comforting. Not really. Even if I shouldn’t care about having a mate, I cannot help but ponder my future of becoming an old, single woman, living in an apartment with about forty cats, knitting Christmas sweaters and talking to herself, kthx. It’s an unrealistic and depressing epiphany to experience at fifteen, but it’s one I should think about if I want to have some kind of companion later on in life. Because, y’know, nobody really wants that kind of reality, but some people inevitably do. Darn it, I apologize for not being so self-liberating today.

My eyes can’t look at you any other way.

…”In time I’d find a little way to your heart, down to the general store for nothing specific, gonna wash my bones in the Atlantic shore - only for you and me.”

I met someone today.

SHE’S THE ULTIMATE AMANDA CLONE.

And, she loves teh womenz. So, yah. It’s nice to think about somebody other than Logan in that way of, you know, possibility.

I haven’t been able to say this about anyone else I have met, but we absolutely connected after we spoke today, for the first time. She just kept surprising me with things I wanted to hear. I could’ve talked to her for hours. She has this passion for language that I do, she’s an atheist as well. AND SHE’S A HIPPIE. She is in a military family, yah. She’s as old as I am, but she skipped a grade because she is actually intelligent. She listens to the same kind of music I listen to. She’s just the kind of person I need right now to stop feeling so darned alienated from the rest of the teenage population around here. She’s like,  a less eloquent, more outspoken, not as attractive, version of that man I dig. But still, she’s interesting.

Band of Horses is a band I’ve been listening to a lot lately. They were featured on Current a while back, and lately I’ve been hearing their stuff, and I enjoy it fully. This dream indie rock is quite cool. I need to explore this genre more.

Ah, but anyways. I started crying today when I accidentally thought the phrase, “There is no such thing as permanence.” I have to say, though, I was so much happier a few months ago. The only positive change as of late has been the whole omgz Logan ordeal, but that is all. Everything has gotten worse. I don’t even know where I stand with my friends, and I think I’ve been trying too hard to keep up with my friendships because I feel like I’m smothering Debbie, which is making me pull away from her for now. It’s either I don’t see them enough and I love them too much, or I see them too often and they annoy me to death. But happiness is never achieved because our psyche is so flawed. Somehow, I feel happiness can be truly appreciated with hindsight.

… And for some reason, I get the feeling they don’t love me as much as I love them.

I am tired of messing things up, though. I seem to go through months of doing everything just right, and then a bout of just screwing everything up.  I’m so tired of people yelling at me.

We had a substitute teacher today in math. She was Russian. She had a plethora of experiences to speak of. People like her make me wonder about all the other, absolutely wonderful people on this planet who are worth noting- the people who are saturated in knowledge and experience.

I was wrong to make a country club of my affection

… “Subjective love for those of my selection.”

Haha, bonus round.

I’ve come to the realization that three months simply are not enough. I still have tons of things to figure out before school begins! Summer school has monopolized my time in this way that I didn’t expect; or maybe I just didn’t remember. I feel like I’ve wasted my summer again; and then later on, I’ll realize it wasn’t. But it’s still really disappointing. This summer has been disappointing.

I was reading my old diaries and I was hoping to find some person with interesting things to talk about. Admittedly, I realize now that I used to be so shallow. And uninteresting. Or maybe I wasn’t, and I decided not to be that honest with my diaries. To even have a diary makes me feel a little shallow.

I’ve got time, but I got no time for you!

.. “Kiss me like you mean it, because I’ve got everything to lose!”

Geez. I’m in love with It’s Like Love.

Summer school ends tomorrow. I’m going to the mall with Debbie soon, although I don’t really like hanging out in malls because all it proves is that corporations have affected our lives so much so that we choose to procreate in malls. Karen and Megan might sleepover on Sunday, which will be nice, since we always have fun together. If only I were a better hostess! D:

We were forced to run cross country. Debbie and I totally ran it in half an hour. Then we walked the track with everybody.

I’m thinking of buying that Nightmare of You EP that’s supposed to be coming out soon. I think buying Directions really changed the way I approached the way I get music… ?
Oh, and I found out that TSL has yet to release three more b-sides. I’m dying to see what “Swings” sounds like. I really like “Pictures,” I think it’s my favorite song in their post BOATS era. Although I do admit- BOATS is tons better than Directions. I wish it weren’t, just because I anticipated Directions so much. D:

Mmph. Lately, I’ve been thinking about death. Again. Morbidity seems to have become my specialty as of late, but that’s really not a  good thing. To think that one day, I will not exist. And that thought makes me feel very melancholic, because darn it- I WANT TO EXIST.

… And that thought leads me to think about how I should cherish life. Which makes me think about graduating and how depressing that whole process will be. And then I think about how I should be focusing more on school, seeing as I got a C in food science, which is the easiest class ever. And how I got a B- in honors physical science, and how that was pretty easy, too. And how I didn’t really work that hard in areas other than English during my freshman year. Mmph.

… And all these thoughts were brought about by thinking about time as continuous and unrelenting.  I mean, summer school went by quickly, one could expand on that idea on a larger scale and emphasize how life goes by quickly. Soon enough, I’ll be dead.

Gosh, I really wish I could believe in an afterlife and a god. It’d be so much easier to come to terms with your own mortality when there’s a caring man and a place full of clouds to back you up.  And flying babies, you can’t forget about those.

Obama needs to win.

We need an atheist to run this country, therefore, Obama should win. In all seriousness, I think he should win. But I do not think he will. His godlessness is going to bite him in the ass in the end. America is in every sense- a Christian nation. Even if he gets lucky and wins, the Christians will probably try and impeach him. Seriously, they will. This really gets me angry. I want him to win. This nation needs a rational thinker in opposition to a god-loving, homo-hating man named after a shrub.

People need to get past the belief that morality is a religious virtue, seeing as it is a human quality. I am utterly disgusted that most of the people on this earth are so fucking ignorant to believe that it is a religious virtue. One is not born with the idea of God implanted in their brains, therefore, babies don’t believe in god- does this mean they are morally bankrupt?

I am going to have so much fun in dodgeball on Monday. I get to throw foam balls at every single theist in the room (seeing as the only atheists in the room are Debbie and me.) :D

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago

… “that we sat down and I announced that it was my belief that life was to be lived and not simply contemplated. I have a suspicion that prior to this experience we spend lots of time contemplating and I am confident that after this life there will be an unlimited amount of time for thoughtful reflection.” (From the Mystery Cookie blog.)

But we won’t! Everything we want to do is crammed within these eighty years of time we occupy!

Life has been so difficult to come to terms with lately. It is impossible to live in the moment and appreciate it. By the time you realize it, it’s gone. This moment could even last forever and I wouldn’t notice. Life is virtually impossible to enjoy, because you cannot truly appreciate a moment until it has gone by.

And this isn’t a result of some ultimate plan. There isn’t a reason for this happening. It just happens, and that is what frustrates me.

I feel so incredibly lonely, I have no clue why. I hang out with the same people everyday. It’s never anything new. I would love to see an old friend.

It’s also been pretty difficult to love myself, too. Most of the time, I think I’m awesome. But I had this dream the other night of somebody that I used to know, and decidedly- I haven’t forgiven myself for losing this person (it’s a friend, okay.) It’s so difficult to love yourself when you remember every event that has happened to you. Sure, nobody else cares, but you do. Forgiving other people is pretty easy, too, but when it comes to forgiving yourself, it’s really difficult. I can’t stand myself right now. But I wouldn’t like to be anybody else either, because everyone else is stupid.

I want to stop writing now. Even if I were to keep writing and find the words to say, it wouldn’t even be the whole truth. I hate admitting these kinds of things but darn it- I’m a teenage girl, not Nelson Mandela.

You can squint at it through snowy static to make out the meaning

… “My love stays with you like sunlight and air. Oh, how I truly wish I could keep hanging around here, but my joy is covering me. Soon, I will disappear. It’s not a movie, no private screening. This method acting, well, I call that living.”

So, I think I should bring on the angst today. But first: Harry Potter.

The new Harry Potter book came out yesterday, and although I find no need in telling you so, seeing as it’s advertised everywhere, even on the news, I still need to find a way to put this next sentence into context. Everyone was talking about it at school today. And about half of those people were talking about not wanting to talk about it. What is it about the element of surprise that makes reading the book more worthwhile? It seems like people enjoy being surprised more than the actual plot. Why decide to forget reading the book when it’s given away? Exactly.

ONWARDS WITH THE ANGST!

I have tons of things on my mind. And I should really get it out in the open before I start to lose my mind. So, ‘ere goes.

• I realize that school does not last eternally. Even though I still have three years until I graduate, I think it is time for me to set my priorities. Along with that realization- if a college admissions officer were to come around and inspect my transcript, I’d be fucked. Riza’s mother may be crazy and strict, but Riza would be able to go into any college she would like. Any college would take her. I’m scared to death of the future now, because I would hate to wake up at forty, working at Target, to support the felines that I have grown to know and love. Even if I do not want that to happen to me- the reality is that nobody wants to live that way. And yet, there are tons of people actually do.
• Darn it, I also hope that I don’t wake up at thirty, working in a career I hate, because I chose my career path when I was fifteen.
• I feel very morbid lately. Like my time is going to run out very soon, which is the complete opposite of what everyone else my age believes. It’s not like some traumatic event happened to me, changing the way I perceive life. I don’t understand why I have been thinking about this so much lately. With this realization, I want to truly appreciate life. And I have been trying as hard as I can. It’s becoming so difficult to remain happy, though. I feel like crying. But if I do, I feel like I’m wasting time. If I don’t, I feel so much worse. I can’t find balance in these things, anymore.
• I’m still trying to figure out how to go about this thing with Kai. I cannot elaborate any more, because nothing has really changed. I’m still as confused as ever. I love him so much, but I’m just so surprised, of course.
• I cannot give ^^ as much attention as I would like, seeing as my “new” attraction to girls is becoming a major distraction. Ultimately, if life weren’t confusing before, it’s a new maze! I’ve become infatuated, once more, but it’s not necessarily an infatuation, since we’re actually friends. But it’s not like I’m going to hint around here. I’m going to try and get over it as quickly as I can, because if I don’t, I’m going to end up very hurt in the end.

I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head

… “But I’m hanging off every word you said.”

“If you want a more bucolic version of the ecological future, consult a paleontologist. The paleontologists look further into the future to a time when the great evolutionary opportunities are not agricultural habitats, but are, instead, vast forests—to a time when the seas are again filled with large species—to a time when new large vertebrates roam new kinds of plains. They look forward in time to a world more interesting to us than our present evolutionary future. The paleontologists can do all this because they begin their discussions of future evolution with the statement, ‘once humans go extinct.’ “
(From Seed.)

Hmm. Humans have made the world worse. We have cultivated the land, and exploited all of our resources. We have doomed this earth. And oddly enough, if someone considered a decade ago that humans will go extinct in the very near future, it would’ve been weird. And now, it’s so common to hear around scientific communities, I don’t even get the willies as I read it. Even the sentences I have just written feel like they have been said before.

And I mean, if there were another civilization far away from here, and we were extinct, there would be no trace of us. The way the world will end (via comet) it will look like Earth would be incapable of inhabiting life.

This could have happened before, somewhere else, and we are so unaware of it. Maybe the universe is a never-ending cycle consisting of civilizations ruining themselves and starting up again.

… Oh, and I’ve decided what my career is going to be. Evolutionary psychologist. Isn’t that so perfect for me? I can’t wait!

If I could just move one fingernail to scratch your name into the back of my hand

… “So I would never forget you again… Just dangling between the moon and melon sunset.”

I went outside to our shed/barn thing in our backyard. We’ve had the thing for at least a few months; it seemed to come out of nowhere and I never thought I would find it “normal.” When we first had it built, I didn’t even know what it was for. I still didn’t know what it was for until today when I actually went inside. It’s pretty neat looking and I hadn’t expected the way it looked inside.

It had most of the things I seemed to have lost when we moved into this house. I used to have this box that had all of the things I found interesting when I was a child. Or things that were sentimental to me, I guess I haven’t changed in that sense. I have a box now that I keep “important” things in.

I had stumbled upon this necklace my aunt gave me in first grade. It was the first and only time I had seen her or spoken to her. She gave it to me in a restaurant, of all the places in the world. It’s so weird how relatives act like they have known you forever. And treat you like you are their child, even though you have only met them a few hours before. But anyways, this necklace was one that I absolutely loved and wore every single day of my life for the three years proceeding the day I had received it. I thought I lost it, actually. And now that I have it, I feel like a fool to have loved it so much when I was little.

… Yah. The necklace is a gold chain with a gold pendant in the middle. And in the middle of the pendant, is Jesus Christ. My aunt, as well as every other person in my family, is Catholic.

I suppose looking at this movie of my life really made me think. I also found this friendship bracelet from this girl I don’t even talk to anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hated me; seashells from Florida, when we went to to go visit Dad when he was gone. Surprisingly, whenever I think of when I got them, I only remember the hotel we stayed in. I suppose I was bemused at the time, but all I remember is this chair in the corner of the hotel room; an assortment of rocks from various occasions, including an unpolished amethyst that I had received from my now deceased first grade teacher; and a pin Riza gave me in second grade. There were plenty of other things, I just don’t remember right now.

Summer always seems to bring nostalgia upon me.

I’m repainting the mirror in my room. My mom and I painted it when I was little. It’s purple and I am repainting it olive green. I suppose olive green is, unintentionally, my favorite color now. Painting over it is such an event for me right now. My mother and I also painted a stool to help me get on my bed since it was so huge. They bought me a queen sized bed when I was very young; it took forever and a day to pick one out because it would be “the last bed I would have until I leave the house.” The stool is probably the only thing my mother and I have truly made together. I think she took over on the mirror thing.

Surprisingly, all of these thought processes were brought about as I was searching for paint.

I went into the garage and found an awesome clock, an old embroidery hoop and some fabric. I love how almost every single time I go into the garage, I come out with stuff that I didn’t even know we had. It’s almost like a garage sale! Oh, the puns, they never end.

When I graduated from elementary school, I changed my walls. When I graduated from junior high, I decided to change my walls. It seems whenever I change schools, or a huge thing happens to me; I end up changing my room around. I don’t know why, in particular. What can I say? Maybe Megan was right when she told me that I will become a philosopher.

And after reading this and the way they write and what they write ABOUT… I’m pretty darned certain Megan is right.

I don’t know. I am starting to feel like I was disappointed with my childhood because it was so diverse from what a “normal” childhood was supposed to be. This is completely against everything I have believed about societal norm. I feel I should start thinking about my opinions of my opinions, really. It seems I came to certain conclusions about things when I was young, and they were completely wrong. I think I have been doing this alot over the last couple of years (hence, the declaration of my atheism)

_______

And, I guess I should write about my analysis of myself  as opposed to the situations  I am put in. As a reward to whoever may be reading this, since they’ve gotten this far.

The hardest thing I can do is open up to somebody. Emotionally, it is extremely difficult. To give someone my absolute opinion of something without sugarcoating it, is very difficult for me to do. But then again, this may be with everybody.

I find myself to be extremely typical, despite all of my attempts to prove otherwise. And I wish I could think in any other way than that of a teenage girl. I ridicule myself for thinking about boys. And how I overreact to things. But I don’t necessarily show it. I try as hard as I can not to act like I care about these kinds of things. And despite my ability to reason things out, and despite my rational explanations for certain scenarios… I may have found the answer to something, but it’s not like I get over it that quickly. I may set my opinion up, but the event still matters to me.

When I said that I try to prove how un-typical I am, I should have said that I  try to prove it to myself. To prove to myself that I’m not as much of a hypocrite as I’m afraid to turn out to be. Because I don’t see myself through a window, and frankly, I don’t think I ever will. And I would hope that my actions reflect my thoughts, but I am not sure if that is true. And my heightened view of myself as a good person may be false. Because I think that certainty is never certain. Because there is so much bias behind every statement, and to be certain about something, is just a way of simplifying concepts.

I see myself as a good person, generally. And I do not think I am that *dare I say it* innocent. But Laurie told me that “you don’t understand how innocent you are.” and I guess, it is impossible for me to. I mean, I hardly ever lie because I find no reason to. But I find no reason to tell the truth, either. Because I find labeling a statement as such, is a pointless thing to do.  And I haven’t really done anything so maticulous to label myself as being not innocent. Despite all the evidence supporting the idea of me being truly innocent, I still cannot find myself as being that way. It’s not like I’m “in-between,” either. Because I do not find myself as being Little Red Riding Hood.

And everybody I know seems to love me for one reason or another. The general view I have of myself is a good one. I like the person I am, for the most part, but I do not understand why everybody loves me so much. And whenever I ask somebody about it, they do not give me a satisfying answer, either. Just because I am “cute”, it’s not that much of a reason to love me the way you do. No, it’s not my winning personality that makes you love me. It’s because I am “cute.” Sometimes, I feel like they don’t even mean it, like they are just saying it out of the sake to say something. Like it’s automatic and is said to everybody. When I tell somebody that I love them,  I genuinely mean it, meaning that I am overjoyed that I even know them. I have a reason to love them.

This’ll be continued tomorrow.