And it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets

…”You might spend your life alone. And you don’t want to be alone. When you think too much, and you came to another game, despondent, out of touch. And you reach so hard it makes you fall, for these hands that let you go, they shouldn’t let you go at all. They shouldn’t let you go at all.”

Yesterday was a pretty nice day, up until the denouement. Cody and I went to Old Town Port Orchard and spent most of our time looking at the antique stores. It was fun. And uh, of course a description of such a day would not be complete without the inclusion of the subsequent breaking off of things. Indeed, I broke up with my first boyfriend and one of my best friends yesterday afternoon. I can’t say that I feel any less irresolute than I had beforehand, if anything, I’m doubting myself more than ever. But I needed to make a decision. I had every reason to break it off. And mom was right when she said that I’m a fool to think that our friendship was going to remain the same afterward. And when she said I would regret it. Even if he is making a point to hurt me as much as he can. However, I need to stay secure in my decision to break things off with him, as much as it hurts to do so right now.

Hah, I gave up so much for this. I really wanted it to work. But after coming to the conclusion that I no longer felt romantically inclined toward him, and after realizing that deluding myself into thinking I could change that accomplished nothing, I knew that I had to do something about it. It was unfair to him to stay in the relationship longer than necessary.

God, I feel terrible. Even if I had as much power possible in this situation, I feel so listless right now. But still, I need return to my previous conviction, in that I fully believe that I did the right thing.

Spending too much time on self-improvement is anti-social.

K. So I’m a bit angry right now. No, I’m very, very, angry right now. Y’all better watch yourselves, because I’m ready to bring it!

You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Clever is a general word

Man, The Early November went on an indefinite hiatus a year ago today.

Man, first it was The Format, and now it’s The Starting Line. This year sucks. (Yeah, I’m still not over this. Go die. Except not really.)

I have this essay to do, still. But then again, I’m not sure if I will have to turn it in. This is a rather compromising dilemma and it’s making me feel like not doing it. Jesus, man. I’ve given up on sentence structure, proper grammar, variety within my vocabulary, REDUNDANCY, and awkwardness. Observe:

As the majority is composed of Greek Cypriots, the political system is most heavily influenced by Greek Cypriots, thus belittling the needs of Turkish Cypriots. The new establishment born out of the Treaty of Guarantee, was to fix such an incongruence: the House of Representative was to be composed of fifteen Turkish representatives and thirty five Greek representatives. Such a system would allow some degree of consideration toward the needs of Turkish Cypriots. The elected president was to be of Greek descent, and the vice president was to be of Turkish descent, with powers to veto one another. Idealistically, such government would serve its people in a relatively unbiased way and better the lives of its country’s people. These treaties were passed in 1959, and the partition line was erected in 1974. President Makarios was elected into office, and, ultimately, passed regulations which even further reduced the rights and powers of Turkish Cypriots.
________

Yeah. I suck. But whatever, the people who are going to read my paper have little to no standards in terms of good writing, so I’m more or less guaranteed an A. “Like, omgz, she used the word, ‘incongruence.’” -dies-

I’ve been so inspired lately to sew stuff. K, yeah, Project Runway did it. But whatever.

toothpastefordinner.com

Life is good with TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER. :3

This year sucks.