make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts

… “I trace every curve on your precious face and pray some day you’ll beg me, to beg you run away. Please make me not so crazy. Make me fall apart. I should mean more.”

Oh, how I would love to stop thinking about this. And I keep telling myself that this will be over and worth it, but I’m very sure I am wrong. I wish I could think in any other way than that of a teenage girl. Darned amygdala!

Ah. He said he missed me. What he was missing about me, I don’t know. Maybe he was just trying to look sweet. Maybe he was feeling insecure and needed to make someone feel special. The year is over and this infatuation should be, too. Or maybe I hoped too hard and it meant nothing. He sounded serious to me. Out of all the people in the world to love, I chose the one that is farthest away from me.

Forget it.

Synesthesia post. I haven’t thought about my synesthesia in months. I don’t feel that special, even though I should.

So. I’m going to carry on this trend that other blogs have been engaged in, and that is to list all of the weird searches people used to get to their blog. Let’s see. These are only the interesting ones. If only I cursed here more, because that’d be interesting. My blog stats are kind of high, but they aren’t due to searches, haha.

At night I dream of reasons that I can’t let you go

… “ but I don’t know if it’s time to crack through your walls so thick that I can’t see past you. And last summer wasn’t enough for me and now that winter comes, the cold beats harder and no one is left alone… So don’t let fools be carried by what I say because the night keeps looking our way. And you’re not seeing what I’m missing ’cause I am missing you and I think that we should run as fast as we can into what we don’t know- it’s time to let me in because I feel just fine.”

Yeah, it’s a long quote. But it’s by Saves The Day so it’s all right.

I am… Extraordinarily bored and I feel I am wasting my youth. But anyways.

Maybe today is just yesterday at a slower pace.

I am dying for the new TSL release.

I got my picz back from Walgreens yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to post the picz with awesome people in it because they might be all offended that I went ahead and posted them on teh internets.

I have come to the conclusion that people should stop calling my house and take a damn hint.

I will be very lonely over the summer, and I believe I should make a to-do list (like last summer) as to what should happen. Enjoy:

1. Lorren and I shall rock the bookstore after she returns from her D.C. trip
2. Angela and Riza shall slumber at my house after they return from the D.C. trip
3. Allie and I shall view the movie 1401 ( I think that is what it is named) and she shall overcome my cries of devotion over John Cusack
4. Allie, Keisha and I shall venture out into the world to celebrate my birthday once more
5. I vow to get to know Kendra more. She just posted a blog on myspace… Against theism. She can have my babies. (Except for the fact that I totally know that she got it off of 95% Of You Are Morons, but I rest my case.)
6. I will listen to:

• Blink’s untitled record
• MCS’s Commit This To Memory
• All three of Soco’s records
• TSL’s Based on a True Story

Heh. There. Uh, now I do not know what to say. Laaaaame.

So. I have not been able to think about much. Amazingly, my boredom occupies me.

And so the pain I am feeling is this interesting yellow color. I suppose it is just because I feel it all the time. But on my leg, it’s this neat purple-tinged white.

Boredom is a cloudy, lavender feeling. It’s almost like when I am ill, because it is something that is all around me.

The dejection I felt on Friday was this weird dark blue that seemed to be falling off an edge in sheets. It looked cool, I guess, except for the fact that I was heartbroken at the time.

It’s so cool knowing that I live in a completely different world from everyone else, although, I cannot imagine living in a world other than this one.

I guess I do have motion -> sound synesthesia. It’s really neat when there are animations on the screen or something and I can hear it even though the sound is off. Like that .swf file I posted earlier. It makes this cool *chk chk chk* noise. But it kind of swoops. The *chk chk chk* noise is a small white wave of sorts that floats around in the air. Very cool.

I’m your brother’s sworn enemy

…”But I’ll shout my love to the stars!”

The movie was okay. I fell asleep halfway through, actually. People from block were there! Awkward!

Amelia, Megan, and I had fun before the movie started, while we made fun of the previews. It was quite interesting how the three of us were the loudest compared to the rest of the theatre (and, the show was sold out. Yeah.)

I slept over at Megan’s house and we had fun. We fell asleep at around one or two in the morning and was greeted by freshly made waffles. They eat like KINGS over there, I tell you!

I am extraordinarily tired (we woke up at seven or eight, and I didn’t get that much sleep in the first place) and considering the fact that I have tons of homework, I need to read my book, and that I need to finish my dress SOON since the dance is next Saturday… And that my father will not allow me to do any homework because he says, and I quote- “You look like crap.”

I think I’m gaining weight. Which is good, but I feel slightly unhealthy. I haven’t weighed myself yet, but my tummy is getting bigger. And is staying that way for more than a few hours. I don’t know what to think of it, though, because I heard gaining alot of weight in a short period of time is bad. And since I have this stabbing pain within my abdomen, I’m not sure if that is good, either.

Oh, you’re not convinced as to why I should be worried? Here is a tally of the things I have consumed within the last twenty four hours:

- a chimichanga with beans and rice

- half of a serving of fried ice cream (I shared with Amelia)

- a brownie

- Starbursts

- Mike and Ike candy

- four waffles

- roughly, a cup of strawberries and whipped cream (about half a cup of the latter)

- chinese food (which included rice/mongolian beef/ teriyaki chicken)

- five pieces of pizza

I never eat that much in one day.

I love Amelia to death. But ever since I explained my atheism (No, I wasn’t all like, “OMGZ! GOD DOESN’T EXIST!!!” I don’t ask for confrontation like that.) she has started to quote the bible to me. I’m not sure if this is a coincidence or not, and needless to say, it gets a little awkward. I don’t say anything about it to her, I just let it slide, but I’m not sure how to think of it. I really hope she’s not trying to help me “find my way”, or that she will pray for me or something. I give her more credit than that, really, but you never know when it comes to religion. People become VERY different people when it comes to religion (example: A perfectly intelligent person may proceed to believe the myth concerning the existence of god.)

You want to hear something truly funny? Get this- Chuck Norris believes atheists are involved in a conspiracy to make the world an evil place, therefore, abolishing Christianity. Check it out (this has tons of lingo within it, so I added notes within the brackets):

“Chuck Norris is an internationally-known killing machine and born-again Christian who has just discovered the Blasphemy Challenge [An internet challenge started by the Rational Response Squad, in which they challenge atheists to blaspheme God, videotape it, and put it online] As of this report, Brian Sapient [he's the dude in charge of the Blasphemy Challenge and of the Rational Response Squad] and crew are fortifying their “bunker” with lead and concrete.

This, of course, will not work. Chuck advises all theistic patriots to “be wise to atheists’ overt and covert schemes, exposing their agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans.” To inform his readers of the correct plan of attack, Chuck details the Evil Atheist Conspiracy’s 5-year plan (procured, no doubt, from the freshly slain corpse of one of our operatives). This includes:

Outlawing Christianity

1. by causing a goof-up at the mint, resulting in “In God We Trust” being accidentally left off some new dollar coins.

2. by joining the Freedom From Religion Foundation and ensuring that the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution is correctly applied.

3. by discovering the existence of a nonbelieving Congressman.

4. by forcing Congress to pass a hate-crime bill.

Targeting Children

1. by daring to raise them without religion.

2. by offering a non-religious summer camp for freethinking kids.

3. by providing an online forum to allow teenagers to question faith.

4. by offering unholy Richard Dawkins link buttons for MySpace pages.

Promoting Atheism

1. by purchasing Richard Dawkins’ “atheist bible.” [AKA The God Delusion]

2. by allowing Sam Harris to write letters. [Another book on atheism]

3. by ignoring the science that proves God. It’s clear- Chuck has our number, and I’d advise you all to clear out before you see the beard.”

That was from another blog”, which basically summarized this article.

I believe I have also gained another perspective of things. I’ve started to notice how stereotypical the world is, or at least, how it is portrayed within the media. It has ruined the things I used to laugh at. For example- there was a trailer I was watching (may I note- ANOTHER stupid religious movie. It’s that ridiculous one about Noah’s ark. I almost gouged my eyes out.) and this dude crashed into this woman’s bus or something. A woman came out of the bus and started yelling at the man for it. Of course, this woman was black. I mean, imagine it- when was the last time you saw a woman yelling at a man within the media that was Caucasian? I do not.

“Miss America” is one of the most beautiful songs by Something Corporate. The beginning is an electric blue with thin black strips, and then a layer of gold, and then pink. And then it turns into a moving purple. It’s swt. I don’t know, I haven’t talked about synesthesia in a while. I really should. I feel like I don’t appreciate it as much as I should. But when I write about it, it loses value and sentiment.

Oh, think twice

… “It’s just another day for you and me in paradise.”

I just spent the last two hours making trifle. Because I had to make angel food cake first. Which I messed up because the very last part of the instructions, I didn’t read because it was on the next line on the page. It was perfect until that part. Whatever- it’s all cut up and in the trifle and I am dying to eat it, but I think it has forty more minutes left in the fridge.

Overall, this day was not as productive as it was yesterday, but so be it. I studied math. At least I managed to understand what is going on in 9.4 (dear god, I tried typing that but because there’s some weirdo in my house who keeps unlocking number lock, it kept going page up.) because the book is stupid (or maybe, I am.) and it did not help me at all. The book was made in the nineties when graphing calculators were considered a luxury (actually, they still are.) and considering the fact that 9.4 is all about graphing, “Look it up in the manual of your programmable graphing calculator or of the computer application for more information” is not helpful at all.

“Let’s see who’s up on the screen, no one I know is more depressing than me, or should I say the two of us because after all, we’re all we’ve got.”

Shelley has been pretty… Off lately. Actually, I’ll just come out and say it- her moods are so topsy turvy- but she is never on the positive end of the spectrum. And quite honestly, she’s been pretty abusive towards me lately. I’ve never had a really close relationship with her because of that. What I mean is, if she’s having problems, she takes it out on her friends. I understand it to an extent, but I think it’s better if we stay at a distance. Don’t get me wrong- she is a wonderful person and when she’s not having a dilemma of sorts, she’s awesome. She is one of the best people that I know because we can get along so well and we think alike. This will pass, hopefully, and I really wish I could take back these words. Technically, I could. But I feel that nobody really reads this, so there. Life is great, and I appreciate it so much, but the guilt that I feel from how selfish I consider myself to have behaved is pretty overwhelming. Ironic. I suppose one can never truly reach a level of ecstasy and satisfaction for a long period of time.

Ehh. I’ll finish that list of top ten songs that I never really liked.

6. The Lights and Buzz- Jack’s Mannequin (Pretty darned bad. The lyrics are okay, but the whole song is very morbid. It goes against the feel of Everything in Transit, and thus, the whole feel you get from the band since EIT is their only record (And no, I’m not an idiot, I know that The Lights and Buzz was not released on EIT.)

7. Marry Me/ Ode to Serotonin/ Dopesick Couples on the Lower East Side - Nightmare of You (Marry Me and Ode to Serotonin are pretty much the same. Are they not?)

8. Break Up Day Song/ Greg’s Last Day/ The Drama Summer- The Starting Line Gah! That’s my last attempt at this list thing.

And no, I’m not scene because I updated so much this weekend. I am just grounded. So there. I would be in front of the television right now if I had the option.

And I think I have a new syn. Taste -> touch, maybe. Because the angel food cake that I put in my trifle makes me feel, oddly enough.. Like I’m being suffocated. It’s not as bad as it sounds, really, I just can’t find another way to say so. I think I wrote about the taste ->touch thing a few months ago, so I guess it’s not as new as I thought.

You little creep…

…”That’s what she said, these quotes from your mother get better everyday.. Jamie spent her christmas at the airport, she said airports made her feel like she could get away.. I wish I had an airport someday. Somedays are just so hard. And we hung like space stations and rocket ships, and dreamed like we were beings of the sky… We’re never going to die.”

There’s this show that I’ve started to watch called Discovering Psychology. Yes, it is a PBS show. And it’s really old. But it is interesting.

I saw one episode before I got to school today about how people’s ability to make decisions can change dramatically according to the situation. These psychologists did a study, where they brought people in to “help people learn to maintain a better memory”. The “instructor” and the “learner” were in two different rooms, and the “instructor” would ask the “learner” questions, and if the “learner” got the question wrong, the “instructor” was told to give them an electric shock, and to increase the severity each time the “learner” got the question wrong. The “instructor” even heard the learner’s reaction from the other room. The psychologists expected most of the people to stop the experiment, and that one in a thousand [the sadists, they said.] would give them the highest shock [which is lethal], and that one in ten of the people would give the learner over 150 volts. [my eyes went reeaallly wide at this part]

Nearly two thirds of the people who were tested gave the “learner” a fatal shock, and none of the people in the experiment quit or went to help the “learner” without asking the experimenter. Isn’t that so incredibly spectacular?

“… And I don’t care if you don’t love me, and I don’t care if you don’t change, and I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you if it meant that you would stay.”

I’ve taken to writing. All the time in class. I say that I’m writing down song lyrics, and a quarter of the time I am. The remaining three quarters, I am actually writing things on my own. It’s amazing the things you can come up with if you try. I’ve filled up three pieces of paper, writing extremely tiny, front and back with writing. I have gotten attention from doing this, but I don’t care.

We’re going to Portland on Sunday. To go to Sonic. We are driving three hours to go to a fast food restaurant. Apparently it is a part of my father’s childhood.

I feel very far apart from my friends lately. Sure, I’ve been more touchy-feely lately, in the sense that I’m giving out more hugs and recieving them. But I haven’t been able to talk to my friends that much anymore. We should plan something. But whenever we do, something goes wrong or it stays in the planning stage.

Andy’s friend is sleeping over tonight. I hate it when my brother has friends around- he turns into the hugest jerk in the world. People are still talking about Valentine’s Day. It’s not the fourteenth anymore.

Shelley has this new boyfriend. And I’m happy for her- she’s liked him for a while now, and she’s been wanting a boyfriend. But she totally blows me off. And everyone else. Not to mention that they kiss and touch each other all the time at school. I know we’re getting older, but I don’t find that attractive. I don’t know if they think that everyone envies them or something, but it really turns me off.

My grades weren’t as bad as I anticipated. I got all As and a C. Give me a second here to let you comprehend the situation. I got Bs on my tests in math and a couple of As and they did nothing to my grade. I understand that I did badly here and there this quarter- but the good grades I had should have made my grade go up not down excuse me, as I punch a wall. I am so frustrated and angry, my synesthesia is allowing me to actually project blueish green circles. You know how my synesthesia is- I don’t usually project. Now you know how pissed off I am.

Another thing- I kicked the bathroom door this afternoon. Out of frustration. Is that a red flag that something is wrong? I am never usually this angry about anything that I have the impulse to physically hurt something.

Oh, and here’s the rub: I forgot my calculator today, and we had a math quiz. So you can only imagine my dismay when she informed us that half of the quiz consisted of calculators you need your calculator for. Thankfully, Laurie saved me and finished her test early, so she let me borrow it for the duration of the testing period. And you’re going to love this- I had five minutes left to finish it. She scolded the class for the people taking too long. Little did she know- I did most of the test paper and pencil. No calculator or anything. And for more emphasis- I left the calculator at home because I was studying for the quiz. Thanks.

I want to see Requiem For A Dream. I’ve been hearing really good things about that movie. I also want to see Fresh Horses. Because it has Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald in it, once more.

Top Ten Songs for the Slightly Unstable Amanda:

1. No, It Isn’t- Plus 44

2. Airports - Something Corporate

3. Seventy Times Seven- Brand New

4. Letters To God- Boxcar Racer

5. Lover I Don’t Have To Love- Bright Eyes

6. Live From The Crime Scene - Four Year Strong

7. Sweetness- Jimmy Eat World

8. Together, We’ll Ring In The New Year- Motion City Soundtrack

9. Why Am I Always Right? - Nightmare Of You

10. Heart Transplant- Punchline

“You’re the echoes of my everything, you’re the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You’re the laziness in the afternoon, you’re the reason why I burst and why I bloom.”

Dear you:

Those four words you said are the only things that matter to me lately. I hate you for making me feel this rejection before I have decided to tell them. I love you for making me feel happy. I hate the typicality of the situation. I hate how you’ve heard this before. We are in limerence.

I miss the grinded concrete

… “Where we sat past eight or nine, and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights, I’ve given alot of thought to the nights we used to have, the days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast.”

Today sucked. I came home and cried. Valentine’s day is so ridiculous. I got tons of hershey’s kisses, but I don’t know what to do with them. I am thoroughly tired of shiny balloons, roses, and conversation hearts. Please let this holiday die.

I’ve been talking to Anthony Egan lately on myspace. It’s really weird talking to somebody like him outside of school. He’s not as shallow/obnoxious/stupid as I thought he was. It’s amazing how one thing that someone says, adds so much depth to their personality and general persona.

Tomorrow is Thursday. I want this week to end so badly, oh, please- let this end quickly.

I am dancing and moving but I feel no connection to that and my thoughts. My words feed into this machine, and come out of this mouth. I curl my hair, paint my face- and all these adornments, but it is all done in vain. I want to move my arms, and I see them do it- but I feel outside myself.

When you’re talking to someone, and they feel far away, you know something has changed.

When there is something that I love- it is this pulsing magenta orange. Like, when you close your eyes on a sunny day, and move your eyes underneath your lids. When there is something that I hate- I feel this terrible green color in my arms. My arms seem to be a place where I feel alot of my emotions. I wonder why. Synesthesia is a weird thing. I am tired of living like this.

I’m living a lie that three people know about. Can you believe that I am so messed up, that I have to be medicated all the time? I’m just waiting the day that my liver will fail. The side effects are terrible enough. I don’t want to be this way anymore- I can’t pretend- it never ends. The letters are enough to make the saline leak out. I try so hard to be the opposite of the stereotype. In control, sane, calm. Serious. Smarter than. Even though I have all the confidence in the world- I have my own coach on etiquette in my head.

“If I can pretend, I don’t depend, I can deny, deny, denial. Yet, when push comes to shove, and all the above, I decide to live the lie.. These words are all I have to hide behind.”

I was taken by your permanent high

… “Never needed a guillotine to get you off my mind, you were swept up in the buzz of a marriage, I was sercretly hoping one of us would die… You’re just like your dad, surprise, you don’t only share his eyes, it’s the drink that’s in your hand that has a knack for telling terrible lies.”

I nearly fell asleep in math and science today. The saddest thing is- I wasn’t terribly bored. Ms. Quick and Samson realized this, they were looking at me a little funky.

We started watching the nineteen ninety six version of Romeo and Juliet. As cliche as it is- I nearly melted when I saw Romeo. And- I absolutely love anything that has to do with Claire Danes, so that makes the movie. I was all dewy-eyed when they found out that they were enemies- I can only imagine how it’ll be when they die at the end.*le sigh*

Food Science was not terrible- Cody, Anabel, and Spencer are in my cooking group thing- so we’ll have fun. Apparently Riza has shared some glowing reviews of me to Cody; he was complimenting me the whole time about how great I supposedly am at cooking. He actually told me this:

“Riza tells me everything.”

I thought that I was the last person that anybody would ever bring up in a conversation- so it was a weird realization. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but it’s a bit O.o

DigiTools was awesome. We have complete free time. And when I get back from lunch, I get to see the aesthetically pleasing dude at his locker. The best part is- he’s seeing me, too. *blush* I realized yesterday that we’re not as far apart as I thought we were- we’ve had confrontations of sorts before. He’s around. I’m trying hard to not try too hard. But yeah- the dopamines in my brain work overtime when he’s not around.

I am actually in a pretty spectacular mood in science for one reason or another. I’m laughing and smiling and floating on air. But it goes away somewhat quickly [after about half an hour], but it’s awesome.

Top ten songs for the more-than slightly infatuated Amanda: 1. I Put The ‘Metro’ in Metronome- CIWWAF

2. Miss America- SoCo

3. Magazines- Brand New

4. Sweet Talk 101- CIWWAF

5. Stay Where I Can See You- The Starting Line

6. Carousel- Blink 182

7. Go Long Dad- Four Year Strong

8. She Does- The Twenty Twos [I got their demo for free at the battle of the bands thing I went to with Riza. I got two other demos, but I have one more to look at. But yeah- this song has been stuck in my head all day long. "... And every little thing she does."

9. The B-List- The Starting Line [Who cannot resist: "She walks the red carpet, in my eyes"?!]

10. The Days Go By Oh So Slow- Nightmare Of You

Yup. Pop punk is the bestest thing to listen to when you’re slightly infatuated, and your brain is producing oxytocin like crazy. Amazingly, I have been feeling so romantic lately. And no- Valentines Day is not on my mind. Seriously- holidays never affect my moods. It’s so weird that I’ve been feeling this way- I’m not that romantically inclined. But because of this- I have been so impulsive, so I’m starting to digress from my usual [dare I say it] “tactic” when it comes to this. It is somewhat foolproof, I suppose, because it works without me even intending it to.

I’ve been listening to blink alot lately. I haven’t listened to them in months- and it makes me feel so remniscent/nostalgic. Oh, god- I got my first blink CD in sixth grade. I listened to it the whole summer, and my father was gone. I had never listened to music with profanity in it before, so it was something new. Despite that- I loved that CD. I listened to it for three summers in a row. I was very scene back then, but I’ve matured into a more educated music person [for lack of a better word]. When dad got home he burned me a CD with all of blink’s songs on them. So I listened to that for a long time. The first day I got it, we went to a zoo somewhere in eastern washington with my aunt. I listened to it the whole way there, and I was surprised how much I liked this band. I know all of their songs by heart. Over a hundred songs, that I know by heart. I listened to this band when I was all sad about breaking up with Ryan. Surprisingly, this is one of the last ties that I have to Ryan [which is not something I am particularly proud of] so I guess it is something that we have this weird connection to. Ehh.

I should totally send a card like this:

Outside: I chose you out of a hundred

Inside: I’m talking to the card.

Heh. I don’t know. I’m so exhausted, yet I keep writing. I’m looking away and covering my eyes. I’m sitting and hoping you will turn away. I feel naked, with your eyes staring at me. It is amazing how people can just tell if someone else is looking at them. most of the time. I am so conscious of this, and despite the flattering action- you are making me feel so insecure. I’m cold and I feel locked inside this position. I can’t move my eyes or lick my lips, I am so anxious. My crossed arms are no guard against you. I can feel your eyes through my hair that is barely covering you up. I lower my eyes. I can’t help it. I look at the clock the whole time. I need a distraction. I’m tired of trying to look perfect just for you. I am trying so hard to not be awkward. Yup- not that poetic. It’s the worst feeling in the world to feel so locked into primality.

… “Be strong when things fall apart, honest this breaks my heart- it’s so hard.”

I was reading about how evolution plays a huge role in modern day mating rituals. It turns out that flirting is built into our brains, it’s incredibly natural. We are given this ability to “test the waters” to see who would be a compatible mate without doing anything drastic. It turns out- that when people are courting, flirting is this constant cycle of batting your eyelashes, lowering your eyes, etc. These people videotaped two people courting, and there was this cycle that was going on, and they didn’t even notice that this was occurring. Don’t blame me- blame psychology today. And no, it was not from the most recent issue.

Oh, god- okay, so today in math, my teacher went to sharpen her pencil in the middle of class. And out of nowhere, I thought to myself “I sharpened my pencil yesterday *sees sharpened pencil come out of pencil sharpener from yesterday*. It was awesome.” and then I thought immediately after, “Oh, god, I cannot believe I just thought that.” And then I could not stop thinking about the whole thing for the next twenty minutes. Everytime I thought of it, it got funnier and funnier. Pathetic, I know. And then, I thought “Well, it WAS awesome.” And then I started to snicker. I laughed in my head and I thought, “I really need to get a life.” And I started to giggle. I bet I looked like the hugest bozo in the world to everyone else, but really- it was so funny.

I was reading people’s criticism toward solipsism. And I read something that really caught my attention, which was something like this: ” A realist believes in the universe, which provides spontaneity to their lives. A solipsist believes in their minds providing spontaneity to their lives. Both of these names are labelling the same idea- something that causes unpredictability within your life” .. Or something to that extent. But that was awesome to read. It’s late. I’m going to bed.

Oh- I remembered! Synesthesia! Let’s start off with something new, but simple. X [the variable] is hard, and very stubborn. Y [the variable] is soft and creamy. I love Ys. Imaginary numbers are innocent. They never seem to know what is going on- it’s a chameleon color. Sometimes it is a very nice shade of pink, or sometimes purple. Subtracting is cold, the left of it is black and white, but the right side of the sign is a blue color. I love completing the square because it makes me feel like I’m crumpling up a piece of paper [which is something that I hardly ever do.] I feel it up in my arms. And that feeling looks like a white strip with black squares going along it. When I do the absolute value thing, the best way I can describe it is when a door closes and the burst of air comes, but the only thing I feel is the burst of air. Gosh. I’m weird. I’ve always rejected my concept ->touch synesthesia- but I’m pretty darned sure that I have it now!

You’re cold with disappointment

… “While I’m drowning in the next room, the last contagious victim of this plague between us, I’m sick with apprehension, I’m crippled from exhaustion, and I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.”

So tired- need. More. Sleep. I have an essay due soon and I have tons of writing to do. I got a start on it today and it surprised me how much writing I got done, by hand. So I’m thinking of using Microsoft tomorrow night if I have the time.

Food Science is not getting any better. Actually- it’s gettting worse. We now have assigned seats. I sit next to an eighth grader. Who seems somewhat snobby, but first impressions are not something that I want to judge people by anymore. Because I actively work to make sure that people’s first impression of me is false. I do not know why I necessarily do this, but it should mean something.

I bought a blink shirt and a motion city soundtrack shirt. The blink shirt cost me three dollars but you could probably fit me, and another person inside it. One more reason why I love having the ability to sew. The MCS shirt is pretty loose fitting as well. I bought a Gatsby’s American Dream shirt a while back, and I got a Taking Back Sunday shirt a few months ago- and these need to be refitted as well. I’m thinking that I’ll get to doing these in a few days.

I made Angela this really cute paper crane necklace thing for her birthday. It is relatively sturdy, and I absolutely loved it. I was seriously considering the idea of keeping it since I gave her a gift card, too. So, I’m going to make myself one sometime soon. I hope she likes it- it took me forever and a day to decide what to make her. I also need to make myself a purse/wallet, desperately. The ones that I own now are not cutting it- and I could make one that I really like. Everytime that I go out, I need a bag or something and I simply do not have an awesome looking one.

DigiTools is an okay class. It’s like, when you have a place that you go to that you do not expect to be awesome, but it is actually pretty enjoyable. I never look forward to this class mostly because when I got my schedule, I already expected it to be boring so my mind has this grey block over that period.

I need to be minding my Synesthesia more. My Synesthesia has faded away so much, it’s hardly even there anymore. I guess the state of depression that I have been in lately has taken an even further toll on my synesthesia. I am planning on focusing on it more and having a better outlook on life so this will come back. My synesthesia is a reminder of how special and gifted that I am- I cannot afford to lose it. I cannot- I have no idea how my life would be without my synesthesia. I would die if it went away. So, I’ll describe some of the aspects of my synesthesia that I have been noticing lately.

My months are set up vertically. They are boxes, nonetheless, but I see them in two parts from January to July and then August to December. It’s darkest at the latter part of the calender. When the year ends, it has to go all the way back to the top to start the year off again. The boxes accord to the months, the color of the months are the colors of the boxes. The days of the week are also colored in the boxes. The days are not numbered. It’s late. I’m going to bed. I’ll try to write more about this whole thing later. Oh- we’re learning about imaginary numbers in math now. I can’t stand how silly I feel.

She waits all day..

… “She stands a stranger in her skin, she moves the science with her hands, she lines the walls with every paper she can see, these words consume her but they never set her free. And then she looked at me to scream, my castles are falling, and I can’t look into the streets without everything changing.”This weekend has been slightly productive. I’ve progressed in my Washington State History Project. I read my AR book. I have plenty of allusions for my project, all I have to do is put them together. Sweet.

My father and I went to see The Hitcher on Friday. It was an all-right movie, but really- why does every other movie in the world have to be all sexed up? Why do directors have to resort to such sleazy tactics in hopes of making more money? That was my only complaint of the movie.

Oh, and the theatre that we went to.. There were a hundred and fifty six seats to see the hitcher. And a hundred and fifty seats were empty. It was the opening day, too! Pretty darned amazing. My dad and I were pretty much the only people there until the ten minutes before the movie actually started. My dad and I had plans of putting the ringers on our cell phones at its highest, and calling each other on separate ends of the theatre during the movie. Sadly, it never happened.

I have the handle on the stencilling thing now, because the contact paper is actually working pretty decently. I just need to find some better paint. Or something. I know that you add the medium to the acrylic paint- but it turned out terribly. It actually worked better without the medium. Ironic. Or maybe I did something wrong. O.o

It is expected that half of the animal species will die out by the end of the century. That is so scary. I am thinking of doing the whole, “living green” thing, but I’m not quite sure. I do want to reduce my impact on the earth, though.

The only reason why I doubt it is because [yup, I have to bring it up again] this could all be made up. Why go through all these measures if I’m not going to go through it again, if all this does not exist in the first place?

I think I should make a list of my favorite words. Because my synesthesia would make it awesome to look down that list. Hehe.

I want to sew something for myself but I can’t put my finger on the idea as to what I’ll actually make. Hmph.

Let’s cause a scene

… “I share with complete strangers my most personal of pleasures. I scribble tidbits of useless mind info- trash, treasure. Spend hours, at my leisure, like sharpened precise tweezers.”

Frame By Frame by the Honorary Title is so beautiful. It is a relatively short song, but the music itself [without the lyrics] really dig deep. The music without the lyrics is so powerful, it has actually made me cry. It’s so pretty- it is black with these electric blue/dark purple dots that sparkle with the piano, and the chords go through it with [also] electric orange lines. It is very busy, but so emotional.

We went to McChord today, and I now have evidence that I have an expensive taste when it comes to clothes. At least when I let myself give in. I spent all of the money that I have on a sweater.

When it came down to it- “if I don’t let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?” I knew that the next time we head up there, it wouldn’t be around. I should indulge in such things every once in a while. I deserve it. I’ve been in such a slump lately, and even though I do not expect this sweater to bring me such happiness, at least I know that I did what I wanted to. And I definitely do not regret spending $44.44 on the sweater. It was discounted, after all *wink*

It’s a three day weekend. Which is something that is supposedly good, but I have nothing to do, and you know what that means. Yup- more time for me to think about anything. Which is not that healthy. I think I’m gradually bringing myself to insanity. I do not know if this is considered as my psyche simply maturing, or if I’m just going crazy, because quite honestly, I’m thinking about things that I have never thought about before. And these thoughts just depress me even more. I do not feel like myself, I feel like I am living outside of myself. I am thinking about the future and how I feel like I need to enrich my life with something. Make my life worth living. Embrace my youth. Have more fun. Regret nothing. Let myself go. Stop holding back. Be more sociable. Be more feminine. College. School. My age. Whether I am really special, or just really typical. My flaws, as well as my strengths. My ego. How I treat people. Why people love me so much. How much I love everyone else. Politics. I have even begun my list of things to do before I die. I’m at around forty, and that only took me a few minutes to write up.

I read a book last night about subliminal advertising. I was skeptical to read it, but it seemed pretty interesting. It ended up being one of the most interesting things I have read in a while.
Subliminal advertising started during the depression when funds were low and people were buying just the necessities. Obviously- companies needed more money, etc. The government hired a special group of people to ‘discover’ the psychology behind advertising and how to make people buy more of such products. They first started using subliminal advertising on television, by hiding an advertisement in the middle of a program for 1/300 of a second. An example of it in the book had four or five slides of a program, and the first and last were normal, but in the middle, the slides were alike but they had “Hungry? Eat Popcorn!” written on it. The dude who first thought of it reported a 57% increase in popcorn sales, but he admitted to lying about that later.

I’m reading The Broker by John Grisham for AR. AR is ending in about two weeks. Megan and I were planning on going to take some tests yesterday during lunch, but we didn’t get around to it. I was secretly hoping that we wouldn’t go because that dude from math finally came around to sit with us. But that’s for another post. Hopefully, we’ll go on Tuesday, but you never know. Laurie’ll be back then, so maybe all three of us will go, since Laurie goes to the library everyday at lunch- so we’ll be a little forced to go! XD

I’m hoping to make something over this weekend, in the sense of jewelry. Because I need to make a cool necklace. I’ve started to wear some more low-cut shirts [don't worry- no boobies popping out or anything, no cleavage, but it is still lower than the other shirts that I usually wear] and I feel so weird without something there. So hopefully, I’ll put some of those awesome charms I bought in the mail to use. I bought those charms forever ago, but I have not found a use for them. Maybe I will if I really try.

Maybe I’ll put those buttons to use that do not have partners. I have some really rad looking buttons, but I can’t use them on garments because they are just one kind of button.

Do you want to fall apart?

… “I can’t stop if you can’t start. Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I’ve undone, because I hate what I’ve become. You know me, you just can’t see, I’ve waited all this time to become something I can’t define. “

My fifteen minutes are not over. Yup- most of Mygatt’s classes were told of my awesome editing skills. Katelynn, Anthony, Megan, Anabel, Allie, Courtney [thank god, she was joking!], and more people that I don’t really remember.. All want me to edit their papers. It’s a huge compliment, I guess, but it’s pretty embarassing that that’s all I’m getting attention for. I’m now famous for.. Editing english papers. Mygatt said that I’m a future english professor. I don’t know how to react to that.

We had a sub today in first. Substitutes are so interesting, sometimes. I would really not like to have that job. It is an awkward job to have. To go to school everyday to a class that doesn’t respect you, to have to control all these people that you don’t even know by name. I just say that they must have alot of guts to take that job without absolutely breaking down.

The rest of the day was boring. There’s not much to talk about.

My credit card, as well as my brothers, and possibly my parents- have all been hacked into. Andy used to have over a hundred dollars, and now he has four dollars in his account. I had like fifty or sixty. And I now have around thirteen. I spent like twenty though.. XD

I broke down, once more, last night. Something else is going on- but I can’t post it here, not now. It was one of those times where I was thinking to myself that it’s healthy that I’m doing this. So I manipulated words around to make me cry more, because I wanted to get it all out at one time, so it’ll be a little easier later [I guess.] I have it so much harder than everyone else. And I get no credit, at all. I have this thing; that makes me work twice as hard as everyone else in the world, and nobody realizes it.

School is more than pointless- I’m wasting my youth. Seven, eight hours a day, not counting school work- wasted. I’m young. I should be enjoying this. When I’m old, do I really want to look back, and remember that I wasted it all?

This essay is annoying me. All it does is point out my flaws. As I said before, I have to work so much harder than everyone else. Why do I have to be the person who is so incredibly handicapped? If I could be a normal person, believe me, I’d change it.

We’re living in a world that is falling apart before our eyes. We are the ones who will see the water shortages [They're expecting it in every country by 2025. I'll be thirty five by then.], our climate is changing, we’re being more poisoned by the second. I honestly believe the apocalypse is coming.

This is the most insecure I’ve felt in a very long time. For the past couple of months [starting at around the beginning of the summer], I’ve been very confident. I told myself a few days ago, in fact, while I was pouring sugar into my cereal and there weren’t anymore [I wasn't sure whether to get more sugar or suck it up and have funny tasting cereal], and I told myself this: “Why suffer, when you’re awesome?”

I don’t know. I’m at this depth of anxiety, depression, and insanity that I have never been before. It’s very overwhelming. Solipsism is coming back for me, too. Can you believe, that all these things, are just barely scratching the surface of the source of my break-down? They aren’t even the biggest reasons.

At this point, my synesthesia is starting to fade. Most specifically- my color->musical sounds syn. It’s one of my stronger syns. That makes me even more depressed. I mean- my colors, that have always been around, are starting to leave me. The one thing that I have truly found pleasure in, the only thing that has kept me feeling absolutely unique and interesting- is gone. I know that this is temporary, but I’m really afraid that it’ll stay away forever.

“it takes it out of her head, you make sure that it’s real, and it’s all you thought you had, and now you’re scared.”

I have been losing sleep, as well. So I’m exhausted.

… Just one more day to go. I considered asking my mother this morning if I could stay home to catch up on my sleep.

Hmm. Maybe a top ten time will make this entry a little nicer. [Keep in mind, I didn't write this for attention, it wasn't written to, or for anyone. This is purely for emotional reasons.]
Untitled Top Ten Time:
1. Testing The Strong Ones- Copeland
2. La La Lie- Jack’s
3. Bad Day - Something Corporate
4. Plucked- SoCo
5. Me And The Moon- SoCo [Oh.. How this song makes me feel better. It helps me know that my syn is still around. And "It's me and the moon, she says, and I've got no trouble with that.." really helps.]
6. Break Myself- SoCo
7. Papercut Skin- The Matches
8. Guernica- Brand New
9. Mix Tape- Brand New
10. Priceless- Copeland

How about.. Something new.
Amanda’s Top Ten Quotes of the Week:
1. “There’s an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath, as he leans down, you’re not making a sound. Open your eyes, look at me..”
2. ” I remember when I run to you through fields of white flowers, your embrace was my air, how I needed you there.”
3. “Letters to Noelle, marked cardboard boxes fell, I fell with them, crushed like them, I am. Letters to noelle, years of waiting, nothing fading.”
4. “I’ve been open, I’m close, to the spaceman movies, I call my life.. I’ve been watching the stars coming off of the wall, and maybe if I’m lucky, I could catch them, before you fall.”
5. “A long day, if ever these questions were yours, what would you say? I don’t know, but I’m writing the answers on cheap paper napkins.”
6. “This dreams we’ve had, never made you cry, and I’m not the twinkle in your eye.”
7. “… But I can’t whisper all of this, and I can’t seem to let this go, so watch the matches, and turn to ashes. I can tell that you don’t, I can see that sulfur so clear, and fires of beautiful sound.”
8. “Of the ways that you burn, turn to ashes, my dear, and just fall to the ground.”

Okay, top eight, but that doesn’t rhyme.

Let’s slit our wrists and burn something beautiful

.. “I listen to you cry, a cry for less attention, I listen to you but talk is cheap, and my mouth is filled with blood, from trying not to speak, so search for an excuse, for someone to believe you, in foreign dressing rooms, I’m empty with the need too.”

Today was a Monday. That’s just it.

Everyone’s annoying me lately. Okay, not everyone, but I mean, it’s even including him. When things go the way I want it to– I change my mind. Kind of. I think I just need to miss him.

So, Katie, Katie, and Phar went to the Panic! At the Disco concert [yes, with mainstream bands like that, it's a concert. With bands that are actually good [I told you to forget about that entry], it’s a show.] yesterday night. Can you believe, that they told me that Jack’s Mannequin wasn’t good? I mean, they do not appreciate the band enough [not that I'd expect them to, I know they don't like that kind of music. And I didn't even respect their tastes in the first place. But the difference between my situation and theirs is that I gave P!ATD a try. I did. I liked them for a while, until I came to my senses and found more enjoyable music. They did not try out Jack's. Not at all. Which brings me back to..] to enjoy them live. I would definitely enjoy them live. I nearly cried to the fact that they were somewhat close to Silverdale. To me.

And I can still tell when he’s checking up on me. It makes me exaggerate. It makes me awkward. And it’s no longer some kind of special attention. He used to be this kind of mystery. He used to know how to handle every situation with such confidence. It seemed that way only because I was into him. It’s not a change of taste, it’s a change of pace.

… “There’s an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath, as he looks down, you’re not making a sound. Open your eyes and look at me, I’ll bring you whatever you need, I’ll tell you I’m sorry that I can’t take this pain away from you and I’d put it on my own body, if I knew how to. Can’t you see?”

I felt very weird today. I talked about music for the first time in a long time, with someone who understood it. Most of the time when I talk about this kind of stuff, nobody knows this stuff like I do. It was Daniella. And she didn’t really know it as well as I do, she just barely started getting into it. She was just there. But at least she contributed to the conversation. Cameron was behind me, I think it turned him off. I kind of blew him off today. I didn’t do it intentionally, I guess it was because Daniella and I finally found something new to talk about. That was different from small talk.

The penicillin project is beyond annoying. I can’t stand the monotony. Seriously- this gets me in the worst mood everrr. >:O

There was this rumor going around that blink might record one, last record and then they’d be completely done as a band. But, this is not plausible. It sucks though, because it is such a good rumor, and I really wish it were true. But again, if it were to happen, it’d be really hard to enjoy it.
But, oh, how wonderful that would have been.

TSL performed a new song and it has been YouTube’d. I haven’t listened to it because I want to be really surprised when the new record comes out.. Oh, how I love TSL!!! *teenybopperscream*

“Letters to Noelle, the marked cardboard boxes fell, I fell with them, crushed like them, I am. Years of waiting, nothing fading, I emptied out my pen, carved the rest into my hand… She’s crying herself to sleep, she’s in a place that I’ll never be.”

I feel really poetic right now. But the right words will not come out. I could try. But why try? These words float around in my mind and stay still on the paper. It finalizes my thoughts, but I really don’t want my thoughts to be so.. Finished. Firm. Confident.

My synesthesia has become much clearer. But ironically- I realize that my first kind that I found out that I have, is the weakest. Yes, that’s my grapheme -> color syn. I should list it.

Musical Sound -> color
emotion -> touch
emotion ->color
temperature ->color
units [centimeters.. Even how filled up a glass is by just estimating. Days, weeks.] -> color/shape
Taste ->color
Scent -> color
movement [if it's better, motion] -> color
pain -> color
sight -> sound [one of my weakest.. But it's very cool. I can hardly hear it, just barely, but I know it's there because of my sound ->color syn. Curly hair makes this really busy noise that I can't really describe, but it is alot of blue lines, very thin lines, that intertwine together. It's really cool looking.]
grapheme -> color
sound -> touch [one of the most extraordinary kinds that I have.. But it is not a broad spectrum. It's only happened a few times, but one example is in "Me and The Moon", the instrumental part.. It makes me feel tingly all over my legs and neck. It's very nice.]
personality ->color
personality ->touch
concept -> touch [Like that entry I wrote a while back about the wet part of a graph; how rounding is binding off; this is one of my stronger syns]
movement/motion -> sound [I've finally experienced it! If I move my wrists a certain way, I can hear the sweetest sound.. It's a mauve line that curves. It's very pretty.]

59350

.. “Because I need this now more than I ever did then. “

I am starting to like Jimmy Eat World more than I did before. Why did I overlook this band for this long?

Aannndd I’m sick. That was almost guaranteed, but gosh! My synesthesia is going wacky- I hate these freaking flashing red and white dots! They’re everywhere!! They’re so tiny but fill up a space entirely. Annoying. But so pretty to look at. But they hurt so much!

Err… So. My friends have come to the consensus that he does like me. I’ve been ignoring it until now, so I won’t get let down. But it’s so pointless. Dating is so stupid at this age. Next year makes a little more sense.

I’m so tired of people kissing. Hugging. Flirting. Going out. Talking about dating. Touching each other. I swear to god! Everybody doesn’t have to touch everybody else all the time! Get control of your god forsaken hormones, people!!

Came home and did homework. I now have homework. We’re going to be doing an essay. Grreaatt.
Wanted to take a nap. Tried. Didn’t work. I hate that.

Report cards came out today. My grades, indeed, went down. It’s not that bad though. I don’t really care right now. Too tired to care. Even though my workload has dramatically reduced- I am still stressed out.

I’ve been questioning my sanity. Alot. Which is undoubtedly- bad. I started thinking about the world, in general. What if this ‘world’ we live in, is completely made up in our minds? Almost like a dream? There’s no true way to prove whether it’s ‘real’ or not. It’s all I’ve really been thinking about lately. And it depresses me.

Thursday = twenty minute periods. I’m not sure if I wrote that down here already. But it’s what I’m looking forward to.

Hmm. I think what I need is a real nice distraction.

I’ve been pretty nostalgic lately. Thinking about how lovely the end of last year was. Oh. How I really wish last year was the same as the present. So, so much.
I am starting to miss him now. That’s not good. He’s an idiot. He moved away. He was my friend. I shouldn’t be like this!

So, now can you see why I’m stressed out despite the reduced workload? It gives me more time to think.

Words always complicate things.

Let’s make this moment a crime

… Isn’t that such a good phrase? XD

Today was cold. I guess I’ve never noticed it before- but gosh- it gets cold.

We watched TKAM today in first. It was so stupid- Atticus looks like Superman, Dill looks like he’s from the Addam’s Family… For the love of god- Scout has a bowl cut! I am not impressed. At. All.

Second was stupid. Spanish is such a bore- I can’t stand it anymore. It’s amazing how dull a class can get. It doesn’t help that I am exhausted- so basically- I’m on the verge of falling asleep. Niles was too, so I wasn’t alone. I was putting smilie faces on my fingers. I was so sleepy that I thought they were real. Sra. Lara caught me putting smilie faces on my fingers. So she called on me. Grreeeatt.

Health was okay. Katie was gone so Cameron and I talked when we could. I don’t know if I should be enjoying this new attention I’m getting or not.

History is amazingly… Dull. I do not like this subject at all. Ms. Gallaher’s nice, but jesus- the subject is so hard to concentrate on.

Math.. It’s in fifth period- and I am just not in the mood for all this chaos in fifth period. It’s loud. It’s confusing. Complex. Mostly because everyone is trying to correct Ms. Quick. It’s sad. Lorren is totally burned out- and she handles her emotions even better than I do. I don’t know what to do to make her happy. I want her happy. She doesn’t deserve to be so stressed out.

And Science. It’s okay. Shelley sits behind me now, and I talk to her more. I like how profound she can be. Steve’s in our lab group. Which is beyond… Ugh. He is just too.. Overwhelming to be around. He’s loud- he’s annoying.

I’ve been slightly OCD lately. It’s weird. I caught myself for the first time fixing something because it annoys me. Maybe I’ve always been like this.

… But I think that’s mostly because of my synesthesia. I think. Or maybe I’m just really messed up. Leaving the binder rings open- that’s the biggest thing. It’s this cold shade of blue with yellow in the middle, but it’s like yellow foil I guess, because it reflects light. It really makes me feel cold!

… The negative parts of graphs are cold. Wet. and damp. It’s like a cave. So, I go out of my way so that I don’t have to graph in that part. I guess that’s why I do badly when it comes to graphing. I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago.

It’s time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick

“Please die. I hate you. I would rather listen to fall out boy than to talk to you. I would rather stay in a room with an overly obese man who just ate a pound of beans than smell your scent.”

That made me smile. Especially the third sentence. =D

Today was pretty awesome. Believe it or not, if you tell yourself constantly that today is going to be a good day, it actually works. Until you go to math, get handed your quiz that informs you of a sixty, and you are excited until you realize the new grading scale brought your C to a D-.
But, at least I know my friends care about me. At least Lorren does. All Laurie could do is tell me that I have to get help from Quick, even though she said that “Most people in here who got Ds very well could have been scored a B if they had not have made dumb mistakes.” She actually said that in a nicer way, I had to paraphase it, but it did make me feel alot better. I even felt complimented.

Besides that, today went pretty well. First period was awesome, second period was okay. Third period was okay. Fourth was okay. Fifth was *insert curse word here. Preferably the F-bomb; with a word with two t’s in it.*. Sixth was a little bit more than okay. I laughed so hard I nearly peed.
But, today was one of those weird days where I’m happy for no good reason. I almost woke up late. I ate apple streusel for breakfast and lunch. I also realized that I am the worst at hiding how uncomfortable I may be when she walks in. It’s so hard keeping the anger/sarcasm out of your voice when they aren’t supposed to know.

I laughed so hard that I felt that rare level of white with a hidden fuschia on the right. I think that’s emotion->syn. But I hardly ever feel that level of happiness. Ever. I don’t know if people noticed it, since I was so blinded by my syn. I probably looked crazy. Or high. Simply because it was over the dumbest thing.

.. “And those nights I get high just from breathing.”

In health, Miss Huntley has assigned seats when we are in the computer lab/library/etc. I sit next to Byron, he’s a nice boy, but he’s not that talkative. It doesn’t help that this is the first time that I have had a class with him, and I don’t hear anything about him; hence, no conversation starters that are personal.

It’s getting so cold. But my new sweater keeps me pretty warm for the most part. And remember, it’s just fall, it’s not even winter yet. It’s going to get so cold. =(

You can see it, too, we’re going down..

..”We’re doomed, my dear, we’re slow dancing in a burning room.”

I’ve been in the mood for some feel-good music. Easy listening. You know? So, John Mayer has been put in the backseat for a little while since the last time I wrote about it, and I listened to it thoroughly, and it’s so good. Seriously- I can’t express how much I’ve fallen in love with “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” and “Back To You”, they have been stuck in my head all day long. I’ve been hearing that Room For Squares [John's record before Continuum] is so much better than Continuum, and I am thinking of listening to it again. I listened to it in like seventh grade, but that was before I got into any of this stuff.

I have a math quiz tomorrow and a science quiz, too. I got my math test back, I’ve been anticipating it forever. And of course- I got a C+. I’m not retaking it. I have one retake per quarter and we have two more tests, I am not going to waste it. This sucks though- they changed the grading scale so it’s harder, if we still had the old grading scale I would have a B. I got a seventy nine percent on the test, if I got one percent higher, I would have a B-, which is better than a C+.

I’m even more stressed than before. I’m putting things off. I am not going to put 110% into anything anymore. I can get by with my 100%. I still don’t feel alive anymore. I don’t know what to do to come back to the living and out of this ghost world that I’ve been living in for the past month. I seriously do not know what to do anymore, I don’t care about anything anymore because I am so convinced that I am not here. I forget to eat because I care more about my mental being than my physical being. What’s the point of eating if I’m not here right now. All the hunger that I may feel, any kind of physical pain that I feel, I no longer care anymore. I can ignore it so easily.

I don’t know if my posts have changed ever since I’ve been feeling this way. This veil that is called my perception seems to block everything, nowadays.

My concept-> color syn blocks alot of things. But it’s what makes me familiar with the world. If I try and ignore my syn, everything seems so alien.

I want to tell someone new about my synesthesia. I’m hungry for attention lately, and I am really wondering what my acqaintances think about it. Maybe I’ll find another synesthete in the process, just like me. If only that could come up in a normal conversation. If only I were not so random and silly, so people would take me seriously when I say that inches are hollow and blueish white, while centimeters are solid and yellow green, and that is why inches are better.

24, oh, how I’ve waited for you. Four or five months, maybe, just to watch season five. A shot of thrill went down my spine for the first time in a long time- during those first twenty minutes.

Uh.. I think I should start making clothing again. It’s been a while since I’ve made something. I bought that jersey fabric over the internet during August, maybe I can make something for myself. Because really- it’s getting way too cold around here. I really need to find something that keeps me warm besides my usual things. People are going to start thinking that I’m poor. No, I’m not- I’m just really picky!

But, you know, I really should indulge myself more when I go shopping. Money really should not be an object to me. What’s the point of shopping if I don’t truly appreciate the things I buy. If I spend alot of money, at least I’ll be satisfied with my purchase, and I’ll earn the money I spent back.

And, despite my mental state, I still have the ability to have crushes on boys. Ugh. I’ve decided to give up on my crush on David Boe. It’s so pointless, really. I don’t talk to him, I don’t even have a class with him. I don’t have to wait this out to the end, I don’t have to fight every battle.

But yeah, I guess I have only one main crush at this time. But, there’s another person who might be a possibility. It’s depressing. The more I talk to him [the possibility], the more that I like him. But gosh, he can do the dumbest things. The other boy [the 'main' crush], however, is religious. Somewhat. I know this is not right, but I don’t think I can like someone that’s religious. I don’t want a dude who is extremely religious and holy, no, I want a dude who makes perverted jokes. I want a dude who is unorganized, and silly. I don’t want a dude who is an overachiever. I’m sorry- that’s just too high maintainent for me ["ohmygod Igotasixtypercentonmytest!!]

And, I wonder, if you wonder.

… Should I bring back, “rad”? I haven’t said it in months, and the word looks so weird now. I thought it was so cool last year. I don’t know why.

I’ve been looking at things from a different view, lately. I try and pull myself away from my synesthesia, its meaning, and just the basic depth of normal things. I realized how weird the letter Q is. It looks like caveman writing. A circle with a freaking slash through the middle. Horrid. Ugly, and horrid. But, with my synesthesia- she’s a classy woman. She’s magenta-lavender.

I am now supposed to be reading, Sense And Sensibility by Jane Austen. I was told it was a good book. It’s about a love triangle. I didn’t know that when I picked up the book. I feel so smart- I checked out the book without even figuring out what it’s about!

Yes, it is winter again. Technically- fall, but it’s still just as cold. I’m surprised that it’s come so quickly. I really want to finish making me sweater! I need to find something more fashionable than sweatshirts, and that one, maroon sweater!
I finished the back. Now, I’m doing the right front. All I have left are the button bands, sleeves and left front. This is going to take a few more days. But, it’s taken me a while to make just the back; anyways, it’ll be just fine. I hope it looks just as nice as the lady in the picture!

If your plane crashed tonight, I know you’d find some way to disappoint me..

..”Like burning in the wreckage, or drowning at the bottom of the sea!”

Geez, these last couple of days have not been fun. I totally broke down yesterday after school, it seems like it’s something that everyone’s doing these days. And, I’m not good at hiding it either.

Why is it that competition is so common between girls?
I know that Allie and I are not competing for who is better at math or not. But I still feel like we are. She probably does not feel the same way- I’m probably just over-exaggerating, but I still feel pretty hurt. When she tells me that it was so easy, how is that supposed to make me feel? What am I supposed to say to that?

I’m getting more attention than I want, or need, from people lately. I’m not complaining, but I just don’t think I deserve it.

And yet, I am gaining on crushes on boys. These are tiny, three second crushes for sure.

Life is getting so complex, lately. It’ll all settle down, soon, I know. It’s still getting very ridiculous.

So, I have a health quiz tomorrow, a spanish test on thursday, Chapter 1 test on monday.

I feel very far away right now. It’s like, I’m not really living my life anymore. I felt this way last year, too. It’s my retreat from normal life, why does doing tasks I don’t want to do, matter, if I’m not really living it? It is my retreat. It makes me feel better.

My movement-color syn is going crazy. My twitches to the right are bright green. My knitting sometimes makes me get a headache- because of the movement-sound syn [now I get it!].

I know people with the best personalities.

Forget everything you think you knew about me..

And one more thing- my synesthesia is getting so hyper lately. Today, I realized that I had more concept->touch syn than I thought. And, I realized that I do have sound-> temperature too [there's this one darned noise.. It makes me feel extremely cold by my shoulders.].
Those concept syns.. Are really acting up! I could hardly take notes today because all I could think of was how I think about it.

Today, we learned about significant figures. All I could think of was that if I didn’t have synesthesia, I probably would not be able to function in math at all. Those wonderful little yellow spaces [inches], those cute green spaces [centimeters], the darkness behind the decimal point, how wide whole numbers feel, how rounding up feels like I’m carrying the number in my hand, how it feels like binding off. How six million is such a wonderful number, especially if it has a few eights peeking in through the zeros.. How great it feels when theres two numbers around the zero [because zero is always so lonely - they make him feel more secure.]. Those lovely multiplication asterisks.. that lovely shade of purple! Eep! =D

This second may seem like a lifetime of dreams.

Oh. Yup, I’m tired once more. Much more mentally than physically, but I think that’s worse. When you’re physically tired, at least you can think.
“Sure, I can run like the wind, but I can’t think!”

It takes so much energy to pay attention, it takes so much energy just to finish my work. It takes more energy to stay up. My eyes burn this annoying shade of pinkish orange. Everytime I close my eyes, because they hurt so much.

But, I bet this is just because I’m adjusting to the year starting. I hope this does not last at all.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt so ‘meh’.”

I find that I can relax my mind if I think about SoCo’s song, Miss America. Yup, I’ve mentioned it numerous songs, but this song really does it for me. Something Corporate’s songs are songs that are unlike other bands. Their songs make me feel certain emotions, seriously. It doesn’t make me feel “like” an emotion. I guess I have a new kind of syn. Sound -> emotion syn. It’s really handy around this time. Did I ever say that the sound of a harp makes me feel extremely stressed out? Yup, and it wasn’t that handy when we were ‘relaxing’ to it in summer school.

I guess my synesthesia does get brighter when I’m extremely tired. I’ve mentioned syn a few times here so far, and lately I haven’t been thinking about it much.

“A life left behind she can find in her mind on the way.. You give up your soul until you break down, it’s me and the moon she says, and I have no trouble with that.”

Is it possible to be annoyed with someone after just a few days? I think so. He hangs out with me before school, during lunch, says hello to me in the hallway more than once. I know he has good intentions, but gosh! How could I tell him about it, without breaking his poor little heart? He thinks that I don’t mind! Eep.
I’m doing everything I can to look unappealing. I ignore him, I act like I’m in love with some other dude, and gosh.. He doesn’t get the hint! Sure, I’m not doing everything, but I’m doing something, and that should be enough.

SoCo redid their song “Punk Rock Princess”, from Ready.. Break, and it’s on Leaving Through The Window. It is so much better. Before, the part before the chorus was this hippy color of orange, and now it’s deep and defined. It’s harder, and I like that.

Oh, and I forgot how to knit. Yup, of all the times in the world to forget such a crucial thing that keeps me sane, I forget. Dear god.. The world is ending.