You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I didn’t want to make my other post too long. I feel really emotional today. I have to say, after writing this letter, I’m pretty proud of it. I can breathe metaphors again. (Oh! I did it again!)

Today’s Friday, it is my day to do what I want.

… Put on my makeup, dress up in color, pretend to be anything you need.

Dear you:

Man, I hate thinking about you. I am really not into you anymore. I don’t understand why, but y’know, you’re a real jerk. You can be cool sometimes but you make it so easy to be uncomfortable, and I doubt that’ll ever change. I’ll never get used to you. You are such a people-pleaser. You dilute yourself too often to even know what you really are. You act like a jerk around your friends and you turn around and act wonderfully to me, but that’s only when you’re by yourself. I don’t think I can handle that. I need a degree of static to get along with you. I don’t know you all that much in the first place even though I’ve known you for years, but even if you say that someday we might get closer, I don’t think I’m looking forward to it. You’re the most awkward person on this planet because of your overconfidence. It’s just too much for me to deal with. I couldn’t read you if I tried. I understand there isn’t one “true” self, but your varying degrees of personality and adaptability are too disparate to be from the same source. You constantly make it impossible to make conversation. Hah, and you’ll never have the time, either.

But anyways.

Tomorrow is Christmas, indeed. We’re going to wake up early and open presents. My mom doesn’t want to participate in the ritual this time around, but then again, she is always the person who breaks traditional practices like these. We may have the same thing, but it seems like I try so much harder than she does.

Man, it’s time for me to get all emo on you guys.

Quite honestly, things aren’t going great. They’re getting worse than I express. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I wish there was some way to get rid of this physical body of mine so it’d stop crying. So I’d stop feeling like I’m going to cry. But I’m not much of a dualist, or so much so that I’d think that the physical body can, indeed, separate itself from its mental “body” and have its mentality remain functional. But anyways.

I’m trying so hard to keep things together, with everyone, but it’s not working at all. I hate knowing that no matter how much you love someone and how much you care for someone, it does not prevent them from deciding to remove themselves entirely from your life.  There’s virtually no way to know whether this will happen or not with any given person.

I’m so thrown off-guard that I don’t care anymore. I have very little control over the things that happen to me, and even if I came to this realization years ago, I’m too darned stubborn to quit acting to change it. It’s quite heroic, actually.

Decidedly, this is the problem with the existence of other minds. When I was a solipsist, I felt some degree of control and jadedness that somehow made things work. Maybe it’s delusions that really keep people sane.

“The One,” doesn’t exist. It never has to me. Despite that, I was still betting on having him around, or whatever. I can’t give up on someone this great.  I can’t afford to lose contact with someone this wonderful, even if he’s a complete jerk. And now I’m betting the Vegas odds as to whether he cares or not. But then again, he never did. And there’s very little that I can do to change that since he’s so busy. He will never have the time.

I’m overwhelmed with guilt, too. I cannot condescend myself to make her feel better by lying. I cannot condescend to go along with her absolute lunacy. I am too stubborn to stick with this whole rationality thing in opposition to getting my act together and becoming a good empath.

The only way I’ve ever been able to deal with my problems is quite the unhealthy one, but that’s all I really have left right now.

All of the luck in the world this time around won’t change a thing tonight

…”I don’t know even myself this time around, given the weight of the times. . . Next time around I’ll leave all these clovers in the ground for you to find next time around.”

I’ll leave all these clovers buried in the ground for you to find next time around

Dear, god. I’m getting famous? Sort of? ALL FOR THE PYGMY MARMOSET, and no one wants to tell me why.

Oh, and by the way- I’d give you the world if I could, yeah. I don’t care what they say- I love you more than you’d ever know. And it’s possible at a young age like this. slkfjsldjf;lsdjf
For the first time in a very long time- I appreciate my amygdala, yeah, because I can blame all of my irrationality on it.

On the other hand- Riza and I may be dealing with the same thing, kind of, but we aren’t handling them in the same way at all. But at least we can be together and have fun and forget about all of the stuff surrounding our lives. It’s nice getting away from everything with her, although, I cannot shake the feeling that it’s somewhat unhealthy. But whatever- considering the “alternative” healing practices at our school, having people as an interval of relief is far healthier.

… Dear, god. Some homie was talking about how there was a plant along this trail he walked on the way home and how it looked like marijuana (or some weird cooking vessel) and he was going to smoke it after school. I don’t object to him using drugs- it’s something people do, regardless of its legal implications- but to smoke something that you don’t even know what it is… Smooth.

“Have you noticed, how people tend to build other people complete personalities in their heads, and when those other people can’t behave and act like that person they created, they get insulted and angry. Most of the time even I don’t know who I am, and when I don’t know it, it terrifies me that some other people think they do. It’s hard enough trying to be who I really am, without having to try to be someone else for someone else too!”

-Annika’s Diary.

Last night, I fell in love without you.

… “The stars at night are as big and bright as you make them out to be! And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love, and only time will tell by the usual swell in memory of what we used to call in love- we used to call it love!”

I will be the first to admit that homework has been put on hold for the next couple of weeks. D:

Er, I spent thirty dollars on yarn and I still need to buy more. I suck.

I have a new obsession with these darned comics. They ruin my life.

Anyways, I’m absolutely in love and it’s only going to get worse, yeah. And I still sound like a total idiot whenever he’s around, but it’s okay since he understands? I hate being this young. I don’t know where I stand, quite honestly, but I’m trying as hard as I can not to sink back into the state of despair, teeny-bopperness and literary references. It’s a bit difficult to remain sanguine while also being so darned unsure.

… All thanks to you. The closer I get to you, the farther I feel from me.

Other than that, life is pretty existential. Little to no change occurs within it, and one feels like they are feeding the machine, and that is all. Existentialism is natural, though, because there isn’t a meaning at all- I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Just because I exist, there doesn’t have to be meaning behind it.
Oh, and I’ve managed to get into The Epic of Gilgamesh with no outside help. It’s easy to analyze once you get the point- at first, I felt this “literary masterpiece” could not be assigned a correlation coefficient when it came to the plot line, but it turns out that it does, indeed! So, Gilgamesh is this king who is two-thirds man and one-third god, but he misuses his power at the beginning and the people who he rules over no longer like him (mainly because Gilgamesh has the power to have his way with every new wife on their wedding night. Yah. He’s a jerk.) These people decide to contact the gods so they can try and solve the problem, and this is where Enkidu comes in. They created Enkidu so he could defeat Gilgamesh, but ironically, they end up becoming friends. The gods get angry at both of them and decide that one of them needs to die. They decide to kill Enkidu. Afterwards, they have this huge ceremony celebrating him (which is the most boring part of the book… IT TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TABLET!)

Enkidu’s death brings Gilgamesh to the realization that he could die, too, which motivates him to find the secret to immortality. In which case, he goes up to the mountains and tries to find a plant that will make him immortal…

And that’s where I got. I have some more to read, even if I was supposed to read it last weekend.. D: But the point is, I am interested in it now.

The thing that got me was, why did the gods decide to kill Enkidu and not Gilgamesh? Why not both?

1. Gilgamesh is worse morally than Enkidu, therefore, he should’ve been killed.

- But, the gods are pretty darned selfish, and because Enkidu didn’t carry out what they created him to do, he deserved to die instead?

2. Gilgamesh is not as stable or mature emotionally than Enkidu, so he would not have been able to face his own mortality or his friend’s mortality.

And so, what was the theme of this story?

Most of my classmates said friendship, but I think it’s the opposite. I think it’s about self preservation and on mortality. The term, “Danse Macabre,” comes to mind.

ENOUGH ON THE ANALYSIS,

time to get some hydrogen and oxygen compounds. Peace.

It’s easier for me now to let go of people

… “It’s easier now to recognize when a particular person or set of people no longer contribute to her growth, no longer bring something valuable to her life, and she does not feel that she always has to be sad about that, that she does not have to struggle to hold onto them. As terrible as it may sound simply to let go of people, it’s something I understand, something I think I started to do a long time ago, in subconscious preparation for what was coming next. That’s not to say that I’m letting go of everyone, that I’m going to sever relationships with people who have meant a lot to me and who I know will continue to mean a lot to me, but that it isn’t as hard to leave them now as I thought it would be. Anyone who is truly important will continue to care about me, be involved somehow in my life, regardless of how far away I am, and I them. At the same time, it is easier to recognize when some relationships have run their course, when some things won’t survive past their current context. You can’t let your sadness, when something ceases to have the meaning it once did, paralyze you. You have to keep moving.”

- via heartsleeve.
I admit, this really got me thinking.

but whatever. Time to be silly:

I’m just a dreamer

… And you are just a dream.

Mornings have been so bleak lately. The sun isn’t even there. The darkness paints the scenery for you,  instead.

Hmm. And one of my guy friends likes me (Don’t close that window yet! I’m better than this. I swear to you, I am not a teeny-bopper. Give me a shot.) Although I hate living up to the stereotype that is imposed upon my generation, I really do not need to think about this right now. Two boys like me already, and they actively try to get me to reciprocate those feelings.  Word has gotten around that I can date this fall. I don’t want to get caught up in these kinds of things! I cannot imagine myself as living a life as complicated as every other adult I acknowledge foretells, but it seems to have happened already.Maybe I should become an idiot adn type lyke dis. Maybe  I should stop reading about the theory of evolution and those darned sociology textbooks (that I read recreationally, not to brag :D) and start doing my hair. Maybe I should stop being so darned sarcastic, and attain a valley-girl accent. THEN people won’t fall in love with me.  But I’m kidding, of course. It’s nice to know that people value intellect over looks. Okay, well, that’s a rather broad statement to make. I’m rather good-looking, and that’s not just my opinion. The difference is, I don’t really try. I’m lucky. But still- I think this shows, to an extent (which isn’t that huge of an extent) that men don’t necessarily objectify women as much as I had thought before. Or maybe I’m just pretty, and these people don’t really care about the smart things I say. D:

So I got my physical today. I’m all good and dandy- but my periods are a little off so I have birth control meds. Therefore, the doctor/my mother/ the EKG lady and I all engaged in a sex talk. It was very long. How long?

… I left the house at 2:20. I got home at 5:30. Yeah.

Oh, and I also need to gain weight. Badly. I have to drink this stuff before I go to bed that will help me achieve that goal.

If I could just move one fingernail to scratch your name into the back of my hand

… “So I would never forget you again… Just dangling between the moon and melon sunset.”

I went outside to our shed/barn thing in our backyard. We’ve had the thing for at least a few months; it seemed to come out of nowhere and I never thought I would find it “normal.” When we first had it built, I didn’t even know what it was for. I still didn’t know what it was for until today when I actually went inside. It’s pretty neat looking and I hadn’t expected the way it looked inside.

It had most of the things I seemed to have lost when we moved into this house. I used to have this box that had all of the things I found interesting when I was a child. Or things that were sentimental to me, I guess I haven’t changed in that sense. I have a box now that I keep “important” things in.

I had stumbled upon this necklace my aunt gave me in first grade. It was the first and only time I had seen her or spoken to her. She gave it to me in a restaurant, of all the places in the world. It’s so weird how relatives act like they have known you forever. And treat you like you are their child, even though you have only met them a few hours before. But anyways, this necklace was one that I absolutely loved and wore every single day of my life for the three years proceeding the day I had received it. I thought I lost it, actually. And now that I have it, I feel like a fool to have loved it so much when I was little.

… Yah. The necklace is a gold chain with a gold pendant in the middle. And in the middle of the pendant, is Jesus Christ. My aunt, as well as every other person in my family, is Catholic.

I suppose looking at this movie of my life really made me think. I also found this friendship bracelet from this girl I don’t even talk to anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hated me; seashells from Florida, when we went to to go visit Dad when he was gone. Surprisingly, whenever I think of when I got them, I only remember the hotel we stayed in. I suppose I was bemused at the time, but all I remember is this chair in the corner of the hotel room; an assortment of rocks from various occasions, including an unpolished amethyst that I had received from my now deceased first grade teacher; and a pin Riza gave me in second grade. There were plenty of other things, I just don’t remember right now.

Summer always seems to bring nostalgia upon me.

I’m repainting the mirror in my room. My mom and I painted it when I was little. It’s purple and I am repainting it olive green. I suppose olive green is, unintentionally, my favorite color now. Painting over it is such an event for me right now. My mother and I also painted a stool to help me get on my bed since it was so huge. They bought me a queen sized bed when I was very young; it took forever and a day to pick one out because it would be “the last bed I would have until I leave the house.” The stool is probably the only thing my mother and I have truly made together. I think she took over on the mirror thing.

Surprisingly, all of these thought processes were brought about as I was searching for paint.

I went into the garage and found an awesome clock, an old embroidery hoop and some fabric. I love how almost every single time I go into the garage, I come out with stuff that I didn’t even know we had. It’s almost like a garage sale! Oh, the puns, they never end.

When I graduated from elementary school, I changed my walls. When I graduated from junior high, I decided to change my walls. It seems whenever I change schools, or a huge thing happens to me; I end up changing my room around. I don’t know why, in particular. What can I say? Maybe Megan was right when she told me that I will become a philosopher.

And after reading this and the way they write and what they write ABOUT… I’m pretty darned certain Megan is right.

I don’t know. I am starting to feel like I was disappointed with my childhood because it was so diverse from what a “normal” childhood was supposed to be. This is completely against everything I have believed about societal norm. I feel I should start thinking about my opinions of my opinions, really. It seems I came to certain conclusions about things when I was young, and they were completely wrong. I think I have been doing this alot over the last couple of years (hence, the declaration of my atheism)

_______

And, I guess I should write about my analysis of myself  as opposed to the situations  I am put in. As a reward to whoever may be reading this, since they’ve gotten this far.

The hardest thing I can do is open up to somebody. Emotionally, it is extremely difficult. To give someone my absolute opinion of something without sugarcoating it, is very difficult for me to do. But then again, this may be with everybody.

I find myself to be extremely typical, despite all of my attempts to prove otherwise. And I wish I could think in any other way than that of a teenage girl. I ridicule myself for thinking about boys. And how I overreact to things. But I don’t necessarily show it. I try as hard as I can not to act like I care about these kinds of things. And despite my ability to reason things out, and despite my rational explanations for certain scenarios… I may have found the answer to something, but it’s not like I get over it that quickly. I may set my opinion up, but the event still matters to me.

When I said that I try to prove how un-typical I am, I should have said that I  try to prove it to myself. To prove to myself that I’m not as much of a hypocrite as I’m afraid to turn out to be. Because I don’t see myself through a window, and frankly, I don’t think I ever will. And I would hope that my actions reflect my thoughts, but I am not sure if that is true. And my heightened view of myself as a good person may be false. Because I think that certainty is never certain. Because there is so much bias behind every statement, and to be certain about something, is just a way of simplifying concepts.

I see myself as a good person, generally. And I do not think I am that *dare I say it* innocent. But Laurie told me that “you don’t understand how innocent you are.” and I guess, it is impossible for me to. I mean, I hardly ever lie because I find no reason to. But I find no reason to tell the truth, either. Because I find labeling a statement as such, is a pointless thing to do.  And I haven’t really done anything so maticulous to label myself as being not innocent. Despite all the evidence supporting the idea of me being truly innocent, I still cannot find myself as being that way. It’s not like I’m “in-between,” either. Because I do not find myself as being Little Red Riding Hood.

And everybody I know seems to love me for one reason or another. The general view I have of myself is a good one. I like the person I am, for the most part, but I do not understand why everybody loves me so much. And whenever I ask somebody about it, they do not give me a satisfying answer, either. Just because I am “cute”, it’s not that much of a reason to love me the way you do. No, it’s not my winning personality that makes you love me. It’s because I am “cute.” Sometimes, I feel like they don’t even mean it, like they are just saying it out of the sake to say something. Like it’s automatic and is said to everybody. When I tell somebody that I love them,  I genuinely mean it, meaning that I am overjoyed that I even know them. I have a reason to love them.

This’ll be continued tomorrow.

Forget my name, forget my face

… “They are brief and false advertisements for a soul I don’t have, something true I have lacked and spent my whole life trying to make up for.”

One of the things I love about the summer is how dark it gets at night. And how the darkness paradoxically illuminates the moon even more. Times like those make me want to live forever.

Amanda rant on upcoming record releases, how the music industry is going to change forever, and Blink 182:

MCS is going to release their new record in September now. Way to move the date forward. For the third time. But whatever, that same week in September… Four Year Strong is also having their record out!! AHHHHHH! I absolutely love Four Year Strong more than words can even describe, guys, how many times have I brought them up here before? Yessssssssss. So stoked. A tiny bit less than my anticipation for Directions, but not that much =D

… Oh, and did I mention that track number twelve of their new record is, “Antonia”? Yes. For the people who don’t know, it’s my name from Spanish class, haha. But yeah. And I’m going to make a prediction RIGHT NOW, but I think my favorite track will be “Hello Helicopter.” The single they put out now is pretty good… Okay, it’s absolutely spectacular, so I’m really excited for this release. 2007 is a good year for releases! + Jimmy Eat World is supposed to have a record out, too. + Person L is planning on releasing an EP later on this year (and on another note, they just released a new song on their myspace, ftw.)

I’m not that sure what I’m going to think of the record exactly, but I am very sure it will be nothing like Commit This to Memory, because Even If It Kills Me is not produced by Mark Hoppus! I make this assumption, of course, because I Am The Movie was nothing like Commit This to Memory.

… All we need is a new Valencia record, and I’ll be forever grateful for 2007 (moreso, because TSL’s release is just… dkfjalskdjfl. Yah.)

Last night, I was thinking about how the music industry is going to change- alot- during the next couple years, in the way they distribute music. Think about it: up-and-coming bands have been allotting their EPS and even full-length records online; The Format did their whole thing online; and Prince even distributed his new record along with newspapers in the UK. Prince is getting even more attention for this than The Format did, because his record company is getting a little angry at him for it, but anyways- this is a huge event! Now that these two bands are showing how they don’t really care about the money they make from record sales (and how the companies they are signed to do) maybe this will inspire even more bands to do the same.

So. Blink was the first band I had ever really gotten into, and they led me into the music scene, so to speak. Yah. Everybody says that. But there needs to be more songs like Asthenia. That has to be my most favorite song by that band, if you don’t count Stockholm Syndrome.

/endrant.

I just received Kirby. Yah. Envy me.

I’ve taken to messaging and myspace. I feel really stupid.

If souls exist, then there is no use for a brain. Or any material thing, for that matter. Think about it: No use for a brain; no use for a body to take care of it; no use for the things surrounding us to maintain our bodies; so then, what is the use of having a material world, if souls exist?

You said thanks, can I follow you?

… “So it’s up the stairs, out of view, no prying eyes, I poured some wine, I asked your name, you asked the time.”

Don’t judge me for making so many posts in one day. If I have nothing else to do, I write. You can only imagine what my real journal looks like.

I feel despite my new ability to write intelligently with science in mind, I’ve lost my ability to be poetic. I mean, I can be poetic. I’ve pulled it off plenty of times before. Or maybe I just don’t have anything to be poetic about. It’s just weird to not be able to manipulate words in such a pretty fashion, to describe a complex idea in an easy-to-read format.

But then again… I like being poetic, but I do not like being poetic, too. It is so typical for a teenage girl to be “poetic”, despite how terribly she may write. I would hate to be poetic now, and for it to be terrible later. But then again, this may be a stepping stone as a maturing writer. If I mature at all, that is.

And maybe this life is just being projected to me without my lights on. Maybe I am already living after and despite my disbelief, I am fooling myself into thinking there is none. Or maybe all of these laws from her are just made up in my mind, and outside of the box, it is actually possible. And the only way I am, is to be awake after it is all gone, to see if it is palpable or not. But am I wasting my existence away by questioning it? Or does it bring me to a higher level of consciousness?

… Dude, I suck at being poetic. Or maybe my extended metaphors are too much. Because if you read what I just wrote without thinking, it’s hard to understand:

And maybe this life is just being projected to me without my lights on [the life I am living may be just a show and I don't know it.] Maybe I am already living after and despite my disbelief, I am fooling myself into thinking there is none [Maybe I am already dead, despite my disbelief in the concept, and I am just fooling myself into believing that I am alive.] Or maybe all of these laws from her are just made up in my mind, and outside of the box, it is actually possible. [Or maybe the laws of natures that are made up in my mind that seem impossible, may be possible elsewhere (or, if you "think outside the box")]And the only way, I am, is to be awake after it is all gone, to see if it is palpable or not ["I think, therefore, I am". The only way I can find out if this is all real, is to be alive after I die. ]. But am I wasting my existence away by questioning it? Or does it bring me to a higher level of consciousness?

Hah. See how much longer that was? *shudder*

But whatever. I hate how often I talk of just myself, but there is not much else to talk about. And this is my blog. I am not sure whether to apologize to the reader or not, because I don’t know who the reader is. Maybe I am interesting. Maybe I’m not and I’m boring you to death.

Next to you’s a very nice place to go

… “Countdown to the disappointment, “I’m yours tonight!”

I feel quite emo today. No particular reason why, but I do. Lame. I can be emo with a reason, and it’ll be fine; but when there is no reason to feel that way, I feel absolutely stupid. I’m walking myself crazy.

And with that wonderful segue, I believe I should get a Delorean. Yes. The doors open like *spew* at the top. It’s swt. It’s hip. It’s like owning your very own spacemobile. Envy me.

… Forget about that whole drug bust with the dude who came up with the Delorean. That’s just hardcore. I need a hardcore car. Woot!

My math final was surprisingly easy. But, I’m still not convinced of a high grade. Because in doing so, I am psychologically preparing myself of something that will not happen. Lame.

I have my science final tomorrow. Also lame. I took a nap today, just to avoid studying for it because, dare I say it… I hate science.

Top Ten Reasons Why Being an Atheist is Amazing:

1. I do not have to worry about Heaven or Hell because I believe in neither of them

2. I am not dedicating my life to an imaginary person

3. I do not have to waste my life by going to church

4. I do not need to have regular conversations with god

5. I do not need to make excuses for god

6. I’m a rational thinker!

7. Every good thing I do, I can give credit to myself

8. Every good thing that happens to me, is not part of an ultimate plan- which makes it even more special

9. I’m not all that close-minded

10. I type with literacy, man.

Forget about the whole, “everybody believes I am a devil child/I have to deal with everybody else’s gullibility/ people forget about how great I am because it no longer counts since this doctrine overrules all” thing.

School is actually almost over. I turned in all of my books. But, sadly, I have absolutely nothing to carry around in my arms as I walk. It feels really funky.

I want lumpia. *le sigh*

oh! So today we did this voting thing in Spanish, in which we voted people as “the most ____”. I got: “La mas graciosa de la clase”. People thought they were voting me as the most gracious, but “graciosa” really means “funny”. Shows how much we really learn in that class.

gra·cious (grā’shəs)
adj.

1. Characterized by kindness and warm courtesy.
2. Characterized by tact and propriety: responded to the insult with gracious humor.
3. Of a merciful or compassionate nature.
4. Condescendingly courteous; indulgent.
5. Characterized by charm or beauty; graceful.
6. Characterized by elegance and good taste: gracious living.
7. Archaic Enjoying favor or grace; acceptable or pleasing.

I suppose that’s okay, too.. Actually, I don’t care about it at all; I just thought it was really ironic.

I feel kind of poetic right now.
Dear You:

I am torn between myself and my future ghost; I feel I am living this lie although it hasn’t even been said yet, and if I were to rightly choose, it’d be over before it could begin. And I will not see either of them purposefully over these next couple of months; I have the feeling I will never see them again at all, so thinking of it has no point whatsoever.

It’s getting so adorable now. But I end up separating yourself from yourself even though there is no difference at all. We are just a darker font when our words are recorded.  And for some reason, I think if you were anybody else, I would be so much happier about this. And for some reason, I would be so melancholic if it weren’t you. And I cannot believe, even now, how I could possibly hold such significance to a single person in this way. This has happened before, but I’m living it now. And I didn’t even audition for this. You were the only person I actually felt did not fall for constant flirtatiousness. So I was never like that with you. And I’m scared to death that by some weird set of circumstances that you would read this. Whoever I am writing to, I’m not sure. But if you think it is you, it probably is.

And it’s more of a cooled relation now, although it’s getting so much cuter. It’s not an infatuation now. To label the term means labelling the situation; which adds or takes away the significance, and out of hopes of the latter not happening, I guess I will avoid it.

I love you!

You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat

… “ While the world was flying by. I haven’t been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don’t advertise. I’ve been sleeping so strange with a head full of pesticide. I got no plans and too much time, I feel too restless to unwind. I’m always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favorite neon sign, where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word.”

Geez. I’ve been using the hugest quotes to open my entries, lately. But it’s okay, because it is Bright Eyes =D

I’ve been feeling very poetic, but I feel if I were to fill up those papers once more, people would think I’m being all scene.

I worked on my anthology until eleven last night. But that was the last time I really looked at the clock. So really, I have no idea when I went to bed, but it was really late. I feel terrible, and my father will not let me sleep for more than an hour everyday!

I am starting to welcome summer with open arms, when I realized how much time I’ll have to do stuff. I started to reject the thought once I realize that I do not have a driving permit; I will probably not get one for a very long time; my parents would not let me walk places this summer; my mother’s agoraphobia (yes, seriously.) keeps her inside all summer long, because her only motivation to go anywhere is because of my father; and, ultimately, summer school. *sigh*

I was looking through the pictures we have. It turns out, mom and dad took a s***load of pictures when I was a baby; and I got to see tiny mommy! And tiny Amanda!

Oh, and as a result of seeing tiny Amanda, I realize that I am the coolest person I know. My mom told me a few days ago that I would rub her earlobes when I was a baby (I don’t know why, either) and when she would turn away, I would pinch her. I’m so awesome, I cannot believe it.

… And I guess I am just weird, but it was pretty comforting to see the pictures! For the longest time, I had believed that most of my memories from when I was little, were made up. What can I say? I read alot when I was little, and I have discovered plenty of false memories as a result.

Anthony is going to send me his arguments (finally!) after three weeks of consolation. I will win. Why do I win? Because Anthony is a clueless idiot (okay, that was a bit mean. He’s a clueless idiot who is usually smart, but the oxytocin flowing through his brain does not allow him to make appropriate judgments.) who makes up verbs. Observe:

“Even if the bible did not say homosexuality was wrong, I would still personally believe that it was wrong. Simply look at it this way; God created Adam and Eve, a woman and a man, not two men or two women. We are created (or evolutionized, depending on what you believe) perfectly for a man to be with a woman.”

Oh, and if he tells me that evolution is a theory, I think I will hit him over the head with a keyboard. Observe:

Ah. Did you think of the other kind of keyboard? Yeah. I thought so. This one looks radder.

But anyways. I got my AR points in. I am not surprised, but mom and dad were freaking out about it. I knew I’d get them in. Therefore, I wasn’t freaking out.

I didn’t really want to go and take my AR test, but Kai came with me and a good time was had by all. It was quite fun, actually. I love that dude.

Woot! The Rocket Summer’s new record is coming out on my birthday. Swt.

School’s ending in eight days, I believe. So weird to think about!

The freshman farewell was yesterday, and I didn’t go. So during the rehearsal during fifth period, everybody who wasn’t going got to go outside and play around. It was fun! Laurie said it was boring. She actually fell asleep on my lap. But then again, she can fall asleep anywhere. I guess I am just more sentimental than she is, just because her and I never seem to hang out by ourselves much.

I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I find myself saying to myself, “I wish this moment could last forever! Remember how this feels, because this probably will not happen again.” Seriously. I don’t know. Even though I am very young, I’ve been hearing tons of stuff about the world ending, and it’s made me feel really morbid.

… And about the world ending. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The Mayans were an extremely advanced people, especially in astronomy and mathematics. They cared alot about the calendar, and spent years working on it. They accurately foretold lunar eclipses and stuff, which is pretty difficult to do! They even engraved their calendar on a pyramid, and set this pyramid up in a way that when the sun passes through the pyramid during the spring and autumn equinoxes, it looks like a snake is writhing up the steps of the pyramid. And given this information, I would love to believe the world would end.

But… This whole thing about the world ending sends me down a path that yells “OMGZ! DIVINE INTERVENTION!” and the Maya did think that the world would end because of Quetzalcoatl. And, you know, this doesn’t help, either:

“The progressiveness of the Mayan culture convinced a certain sector of their fan base that the Maya were actually not human at all. This line of thinking follows the concept that the Maya are in fact aliens from another planet who traveled by the light of the stars. The belief is that the Mayans will return on December 21, 2012 to transform reality. One of the curators of this theory is Jose Arguelles, author of “The Mayan Factor: Path Beyond Technology.” Arguelles believes the Maya actually are from the star Arcturus in the Pleides cluster and materialized in Mesoamerica as “galactic agents.””

But anyways. We are making an ice cream cake in food science as our final project (we all have to make different things) and we had extra stuff today so… I ate ice cream sandwiches AND lumpia! Lumpia is amazing. I do not know anybody who despises lumpia. Lumpia is so pimpin’. (Actually, I really hate that adjective.) I love it so much, I’m going to make a song.

Lumpia Lumpia

So heavenly and true

Made by old ladies who dye their poodles blue

Lumpia Lumpia

Food of the gods

And is made of encephalopods (Not really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

Is part of a conspiracy

To overthrow the RIAA and restore piracy! (Yes, really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

How can this be so?

With you so far away and to Riza’s house not to go?

… The last part has to do with the fact that I never have lumpia outside of the quarters of Riza’s house.

OH! AND LORREN!
‘Ere is the link since I forgot your e-mail. Lame.

Oh, and excuse the bad grammar. I am very tired.

You’re dead to me if love is death

… “I love love, I love being in love, I don’t care what it does to me… You don’t need him, you need to be seen, so someone else can treat you right, so you can sing this song… You’re memory with nothing to show.”

I did not attend school today. Because mom has this appointment… Etc. She couldn’t pick me up. I had a choice to go to school and stay after school until like four and then go over to Riza’s house (Geez, they have tons of stuff to do after school- track, band club, and homework club!) but when I have a choice to go to school or not, I think it’s smarter to stay home. The only reason why I would want to go, really, would be to see my friends (which I could do everyday) and see the current object of my affections.

I’ll have you know, I have learned from the last couple of experiences with crushes. No freaking way am I going to attend school just for the chance of conversing with a boy that I like- and these feelings I will probably regret a few weeks from now. No. Never again. Since there is little to nothing else to write about, I’ll give you examples:

1. The time when I rushed the WASL to finish so I could attend second period to see the object of my affections at the time. I could have stayed and wasted more time doing the WASL last year, but no. I did not.

2. The time when we were snowed in and I could have stayed home and did not because I liked somebody (wait, maybe I did stay home.. Not sure.)

There are more, but I’m tired. I love The Format even more than I previously did. “Inches and Falling” = the best song to listen to when you’re happy. Really. Better than “The World (Tim O’Heir Version)” by The Starting Line. And yes, it has to be the one Tim O’Heir produced, because it is way poppier.

I was so frustrated today that I threw a water bottle at the wall and it almost ’sploded. Yes. I also threw a pencil. And an eraser (the kind that clicks.) And a kleenex box (it looks like it was in between two cars that were in an accident) It’s surprising how much force someone can induce on an object if they are really willing to inflict harm on it.

I have discovered that in order to function during the day (to describe myself “well-rested”) I have to sleep for twelve hours. So that means on school nights, I sleep seven hours less than I should.

Top (insert number here) songs that Amanda is obsessing over:

1. Inches And Falling- The Format

2. She Doesn’t Get It - The Format

3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups (I just have to quote it right now: “I’ve been waiting, I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life, but it’s not quite right.”) (By the way, are the Silversun Pickups mainstream now? They show their video all the time on Fuse)

4. Miss America (Live in Berlin, Germany) - Something Corporate

5. She Paints Me Blue (Live in Chicago, IL) - Jack’s Mannequin

6. Little (Live in Berlin, Germany) - Something Corporate Eh.

That’s about it for now. So my experiment is underway but I think I need to set more guidelines. This experiment is more or less to test the whole synchronicity theory, but it’s pretty hard to do this. Because synchronicity is:

the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung

So how can I do that? I’ll give you my thoughts of how yesterday went:

- I wrote down every number I heard verbally. Even if I heard someone across the roon say a number, I would write it down.

- When I told someone about it, they would (of course) tell me a billion numbers. And I wrote them down, because according to the definition of synchronicity, these numbers would mean something.

- I only remembered at the end of first period. And I gave up around the first five minutes of fifth (algebra)

Oh, and I totally f***ed up my spanish project. I finished it last night at like nine. But I had to fix it this morning and f***ed it up even more. And you know me and how I hardly cuss on here. Now you now how much I f***ed it up.

I especially hate how my teacher wrote on the rubric “it has to be very neat.” If she had not have written that, I would not be freaking out over it right now and it would be awesome looking.

And I had a dream about it last night but I really hope it doesn’t show. And you have proven to me to read the content before judging the veneer. I can’t help but feel like I have lived through this series before. Only with different circumstances and a slightly immature approach. But I feel that people never really fall out of it, the moving background only makes them look slightly known. Stop trying to find my eyes. This has just begun but I feel that this is the perfect time to jump off the building. You have flaws, which I try to make significant. Because you are not that great. Although, he is. It’s easy to try and ignore and believe that I hate him. But it’s becoming more and more obvious. Maybe this absence will help show my significance. Because the more affectionate you become, the less I feel that you affectionately think of me. I can manipulate these words and embellish with clever meanings. But I feel words only make things more complicated. All of this hope is dampened with my cynicism. Which helps, because in the end, the result of these words will be nothing but my feelings, and absolutely no progress.

Life is sexually transmitted

… “So please take me far away before I melt into the ground, and all my words get used against me… Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on, isn’t there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on.”

That has been stuck in my head all day long. And “Make You Smile”. They’re both really great, though.

WASL’d. Uh. Extraordinarily stupid. I had no motivation to do it so my answers really sucked. Just watch, Amanda’s going to graduate when she is thirty.

After I finished testing I was walking down the hallway to first period [we had like five minutes left] and Logan was at his locker. I went over to talk to him. Uh. The smart, amazing, sarcastic Amanda -> shy, nervous, trying-really-hard-to-impress, non-conversational Amanda. Thanks you so much, dear adolescent self-consciousness. I hardly even remember what I said, which is probably a good thing.

… But the scene was absolutely perfect. The mental image is by far, one of my favorites. It’s far too shallow for people to understand XD

Allie and I were walking to class with Logan to spanish as well. The smart and witty Amanda managed to fudge two sentences into the conversation. What does this remind me of?

Aev92 [9:37 PM]: Ugh.. There’s this dude at school that I’ve known ever since seventh grade, right

carminajo i [9:37 PM]: yeah

Aev92 [9:38 PM]: I’ve always admired him, but I never thought I’d really like him, but the other day he was walking by me in the lab and I found myself really wanting him to come by me. It was really weird! So out of nowhere I thought to myself, “well, now I know the extent of my crush on Logan [the dude I've known since seventh grade]“.. It really sucks, though, because I know that I would never act on my feelings, and that led me to start thinking even more about how he would never know how much I adore him

Aev92 [9:39 PM]: We hang out with different people, so it wouldn’t work, you know?
carminajo i [9:39 PM]: noo it can
Aev92 [9:39 PM]: It’s like
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: To him, I’m probably just an acquaintance and not an actual friend, so this whole crush on him would come out of nowhere
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: But then again, we’ve known each other for so long, and this year [we used to have alot of classes together, but this year we only have two], he told me that he missed having me around
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: He told me that in person, too, which made me feel really special xD
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: lol
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: awww
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: lol
Aev92 [9:43 PM]: he’s such a nice boy, everybody loves him to death. He makes me laugh everytime I see him, he’s such a great guy. He’s very classy and has actual standards. And he dresses nicely, too! He’s actually pretty cute. He’s very smart and he’s into politics, which is pretty cool, I guess. We have the most interesting conversations when we get the chance to talk
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: LOL!!!
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: that’s cool
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: i bet a lot of girls like him then?
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: Actually, not so much. As long as I’ve known him, I haven’t heard that many girls liking him
carminajo i [9:44 PM]: oh…
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: I mean, it’s like- everybody loves him, but the whole concept of him having a girlfriend would be so odd. Aev92 [9:45 PM]: I haven’t told that many people about this crush on him because of that
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: ohhh
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: chemistry is not always a good thing carminajo i [9:46 PM]: what sucks is i’m discovering that it’s not necessarily an indicator of a true connection
Aev92 [9:47 PM]: Ugh, I feel like crying when I see him now, it’s so weird. I’ve never felt like that before- he’s so unattainable, but I can’t not like him for that, because he’s such a great guy to be around
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: yeah, I know really
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: awwwww
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: damn i know how you feel
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: xD
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: and when hyou see them
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: it’s like you want them to come to you carminajo i [9:49 PM]: or you just stare at eachother
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: yeah
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say to him carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i was like “where at” and he said “tahoe/reno”
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: that’s where they’re tgoing snowboarding
Aev92 [7:13 PM]: XD
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: now it’s like a dead conversation carminajo i [7:13 PM]: hahahahahha
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i suck

I also love lj-cut. Because I can reduce the entry size dramatically, which leaves you with *somewhat* less scrolling.

Oh, and did I mention that I now have an illness? Yes, I have a cold. Uh. It really sucks. And everyone around here is getting it. At least, if I’m sick enough, I’ll be able to stay home tomorrow. Uh.

One- sleeping meds are not working. I’m so tired of the world. I’m so tired of love. And couples. And touching. And exclusion. And inclusion. And drama. And supposed psychological maturation. And gifts. And love. And infatuation. And limerence. And invisibility. And visibility. And speechlessness. And hopelessness. And stupidity. And typicality. And hope. And dreaming. And losing sleep. And stress. And loneliness. And doubt. And confidence.

If happiness is created by the self, then why can’t I create it for myself? I mean- my life is perfect right now. But all I can think about is ______. My life is perfect and I can’t even realize it because of that. It’s so exhausting. And absorbing. It’s amazing how much ignorance can hurt. And it’s the same. It will probably never change. And I don’t know what effect these words are having. Are they making the situation better or worse for me?

He’ll never love me. There you go.

And no, I’m not writing this hoping for sympathy. You know me better than that. Despite the claims, I still believe these words will be left unread. I’m not expecting these words to be understood by anyone else besides me. Merely putting these words out of my mind makes me feel better, I guess. It’s better than having them jumble around, hoping these qualifying poetic puzzles will be remembered.

Did you know that out of the 11,000,000 bits of information that we recieve per second, only forty of those are actually processed? Amazing, yes. It doesn’t make me a psychology nerd if I checked out a textbook on psychology to read recreationally, right?

This article has really got me thinking.

But I still cannot find an answer.. Why do people define other people according to their musical preferences? Even though I am extremely musically inclined, I cannot fathom the answer. I’m truly stumped.

O.o I realize how typical I am. But isn’t typicality hard to escape? People take out whatever they put in. So if I try to see myself as such, I’d probably find some arguments (whether it is weak or not) that support that idea. I just talk about the same things all the time, it seems. Boys. Hopelessness. My current mental state. School. Shopping. And my views of other people. But is that something that I should be thinking about? If I were to broaden my horizons, what should I be thinking about instead?

That’s the day that passes..

… “and the night, and it’s like, I can’t hold on. I can’t hold on. I’m uneasy, and I’m weak in the knees and I try not to breathe, and I believe it, I believe in you’re gone, and I was the one to let you… I’m staring at the clock but the clock doesn’t talk, it just stands still. A head full of fuzz and a buzz that adds to the scandal. No, I can’t handle three nights. So I shudder to think when the nights turn to weeks. Am I all right? The comedian said a day without light’s just…”

Was completely late this morning; got my essay back and I didn’t see any bad marks, but I still got a ninety two; I nearly fell asleep during the first two classes; started making cinnamon buns and impressed lots of my friends by showing how good I am at cooking (really, I did. O.o); lalala.

We’re doing WASL tomorrow, the writing part. It’ll be all right, since I don’t care much about making the grade.

I now realize that since I’m retaking algebra next year, this year’s grade will not count at all. So is that my cue to start slacking off? I really don’t know whether I should keep on pushing through since it won’t matter. And because it won’t count, I see no merit in really working hard now. You know me and my die-hard passion for mathematics.

“You’re not bigger than this, not better, why can’t you learn?”

He looked at me again today. A lot of “again”s were occurring actually. I’m not considering it any form of progress, I’m merely saying it. And although I shouldn’t expect anything to come out of this afar obsession, why do I feel like I will? Why do I feel like all of this will matter in the end? When will “in the end” come? And even though all of this mental anguish is self induced, I still lay the blame on him. I don’t know why. It’s completely illogical, considering he hardly even acknowledges me as a person.. Why would he even believe that all those papers I’ve filled up, are merely questioning the situation and his general idea?

And I wrote those papers long before I really admitted it to people. But these thoughts have progressed alot over these past couple of months. When you first see the reference to him in my blog, even though it is in the most casual way, I was actually halfway to the degree of infatuation that I am in now. Oh, I’d love to see his face if he were to find out that those papers, filled front to back in every crevice- are about him. Actually, if anybody were to find that out, they’d be a little freaked out. It’s not a secret or anything, but honestly- if I were to find out something like that, I wouldn’t know how to respond. Especially if I didn’t admire that person the same way that they admire me.

“Don’t you know that I miss you? All my life I’ll try today, there’s so much I felt I should say but, even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain. Could you mean this, please, if it happens? If you don’t, no honey, why don’t you just say so?”

“So where do we go from here?”

… “I’ll say, you’re a shining star, you’ll do great in LA, and I keep fixing every habit that I break… You’re calling out my name as the air escapes.”

I’ve been grounded so.. My internet life is pretty much all messed up. I now realize how dependent I am on these artificial outlets. Depressing, yes.

I bought two new sweaters today/ got ten percent off of one of them because it had a hole in it. I am that cheap, that I got the guts up to talk to the manager to get ten percent off.

WASL is next week and it’ll be boring. But at least I’ll get out of the majority of my classes during that time. Even though my english teacher is assigning a rough draft to be due soon. Despite the fact that she repeated the date that it is due at least five times- she had to correct herself so I now have no understanding of the schedule. Whatever.

I’m so tired of discussing my schedule. I’m tired of my parent’s adversary complex. And although it is logical only because they are my parents and technically, they are my adversaries, I still see no merit in it. They are only considered my adversaries because they are my parents, not because they necessarily have accomplished or acheived that status- the status is more or less given to them just because they birthed me. I could birth a child but I would be considered its adversary. The whole concept of superiority and general egotism is really stupid if you are given a status without any true reasoning behind it.

Err. I went without makeup on thursday I think. I was crying for like two days straight. I even cried during lunch, which was pretty pathetic. And tons of people showed me sympathy and were asking me what was wrong, and even though I hate it when people do it to me, I told them not to worry about it. It’s not that I was trying to be dramatic. I just didn’t want to talk about it. And even though it is not logical to anticipate that; considering I was crying and people naturally want to know what is going on, oh god. So my eyes were puffy and red. And most people thought that I was really tired. And I was, but I was not tired because of lack of sleep. Actually, I’ve been napping quite a bit lately.

Uhh.. Allie’s been experiencing some boy problems lately. It’s the complete opposite of my situation. Yes, ladies and gentlemen- Allie is getting a honeyman. (oh, the possibilities to name her new sugardaddy. This is going to be fun.) and another friend of mine is going to get another boyfriend. Hopefully, this relationship will provide her with more memories than the ones she aquired through the one day that she dated him. It’s amazing how I can be so wordy on a topic that is so angsty.

I bought the new Psychology Today and another magazine called Good. It’s the media issue and it’s talking about the lies that the press are talking about. I’m so ecstatic that the world is becoming more and more aware [as am I] about topics like these. But then again, you probably have never heard of magazines like Adbusters and Good. So, I am wrong about how the world is becoming more aware.. =(

… And the clouds were censoring the tops of the mountains. Oh, the things I will never see.

I read Don’t Believe What You Think: The Top Five Mistakes We Make While Thinking, and it talked about alot of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately. It was like, people tend to prefer stories over statistics, they put their beliefs first.. etc. Hilary Clinton consulted an astronomer to help her plan her husband’s press conferences. A majority of the choices that Clinton made throughout his run in office was motivated by his belief in astronomy. Isn’t that amazing? Of course, everyone else in the world probably knows this except for me. XD

Beautiful secret lies

… “Fight all the while, fight so you think I’m free.”

According to this video, Motion City Soundtrack’s new album is titled Even If it Kills Me and due in stores July 17th. Andandand I think that Commit This To Memory was released on July 26th of 2005, I think. *teenybopper scream* AH! IT’S COMING OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Although I am boycotting from buying things produced from the RIAA, that’s still awesome (Okay, even IF the thing is just for March. I’m thinking of not buying something like that for a while.)

In some weird way, it connects me to the band. Synchronicity.

I napped after school yesterday which resulted in me going to the sophmore orientation completely undone. And then we got there and realized we were an hour early so we went to our local Red Apple and bought a lottery ticket. We went home. So, no sophmore orientation, but hey, David Wieland/Debbie was there and he got to see me with no makeup. He didn’t look all weirded out, so that boosted my confidence about not wearing it.

Oh, and I found thirty cents in a vending machine that somebody forgot about. It was awesome. That same day during lunch, I found a penny.

Total money yield of 3-6-07: $.31

I’m tired of thinking about school/schedules/college/math.. Really- this is the constant burden that we are subdued to. This isn’t about wasting six and a half hours.

Dear you:

I can’t stand being around you anymore. I want you to leave. I want to tell you so. I want to see you hurt and understand how I feel. You aren’t as great as you think you are. I do not need to know any of this additional information about you and your life. Actually, I do not even want to hear the phrases that your voice makes. Ever. I act like I’m not into it because I’m not. I ignore you for a reason. I spite you for a reason. I’m not even friendly to you, and you still don’t get it. And you have even overhear me say these things. I said them around you not because I didn’t notice that you were around. You aren’t funny. You aren’t even that smart. You are as annoying as she is and as awkward as they are. I don’t see any merit in your existence. At least around me.

Dear you:

He’s not as great as you believe he is. He’s not even that cute. And why “forgive” me for making fun of him? I don’t apologize. He deserves it. And it’s not like it should matter to you in the first place. Just because he is your significant other, it doesn’t mean that you and him are the same person. That’s just creepy. And just a little pathetic. And don’t tell me about your secret ‘desires’. You’ve already gone far enough. Stop making him seem like this bigger person than he is. You have already accused him of ‘cheating’ on you.. Stop dramatizing the situation. I don’t even think that you sincerely believe this, you are just acting like you are to make yourself look a little more “mature”.

Dear you:

It’s amazing how I see you all the time. I see you walking away in a different room; you leave five seconds before I do. You arrive ten seconds after I do. And you never have these moments in reverse. And the other day, your voice was directed in my general area- not to me, but to people around me. I don’t know how to interpret that. But it’s still one of those things that have been driving me crazy over the past couple of hours. Let sleep come with a fork, knife, and a spoon, so I can see this again.

The pain is real..

…”And so are the pills. I can talk to my therapist, pretend you don’t exist… And hey sweetheart, is that your new car? Why don’t you drive it off of a cliff? Because I can’t stand your life since I am no longer in it. “

That’s the band I forgot- not necessarily new, but I’m getting into the slower songs of… Nightmare Of You. So, “I’d Dodge A Bullet For You” and “No Uniform is Gonna Keep You Warm” are my favorites right now. Besides The Starting Line.

Gosh, those b-sides/demos that I downloaded are so awesome. Although, these were recorded [I believe] between SILYMI and BOATS, so Kenny’s voice is a bit immature/scratchy. (Adore my mad musical knowledge.. Making it all hip with acronyms.. XD)

I cooked fettucini for my family today, and I made coffee cake yesterday. I burned my hand. I don’t feel productive because of the darned nerve endings in my pinky. Because I burned my pinky. Now my pinky isn’t that pink. It’s a little red. So it’s red-dy? OH! PUN!

“We’re not dead, just heavily sedated. Can you tell by the way we dress, got the stars stuck in our eyes… And I love you more than life as if you couldn’t guess, when every whisper and caress that was meaningless.”

The romantic desperation that I have been feeling for the past couple of days is somewhat subdued at the moment, but it is rekindled for a few minutes after I see him. But mind that I said “somewhat”, seeing as I am still pretty darned bummed out, and the situation seems to make up most of my thoughts throughout the day. And most of what I write about. And all that I want to talk about [although, I don't. It is the same song over and over, really, considering that there is little to no progress. Not that I anticipate progress.] Isn’t that amazing, how you realize someone’s importance in your life, and in the process you realize how often you are exposed to said person? There is a theory that the mere exposure to someone makes them more likely to be a partner. I am obviously the first person he sees and the last person he thinks about. You would be surprised how easy it is to be invisible. I’ve thought this through quite a bit. But I don’t know if I’ve written it down.

“Late Thursday, Israeli warplanes dropped leaflets across Lebanon warning residents to stay away from any areas where Hizbullah is active. “Due to the terrorist activities carried out by Hizbullah, the Israeli Army will continue its work within Lebanese territories for as long as it deems fit to protect Israeli citizens,” the leaflets read. “For your own safety and because we do not wish to cause any more civilian deaths, you are advised to avoid all places frequented by Hizbullah. “You should know that the continuation of terrorist activities against Israel will be considered a double-edged sword for you and Lebanon.” The leaflets were signed “The State of Israel.” 13 Jul 2006 Source: Reuters BEIRUT, July 13 (Reuters) - Israeli warplanes dropped thousands of leaflets in Hizbollah’s stronghold in Beirut’s southern suburb on Thursday, urging residents to stay away from the group’s offices and buildings, witnesses said. “For your own safety and because of our desire not to harm any civilians who are not involved (with Hizbollah), you should refrain from staying in areas where Hizbollah is present and operating,” said the Arabic-language leaflets, signed “The State of Israel”. Wow! A part of psychological warfare is, get this: “dropping leaflets”.

That’s so neat! Ehh. While I am gone, this is what I recommend.

I’ve never been so happy to see

… “A photograph of me, then when graced by your company.. I’ll swing by the streetlight, sing, oh, oh, oh. I’m stuck in the meantime. But we’re oh, oh, oh so close. The sunlight’s overwhelming the scene that’s composed of you and me in our finest moment, an amazing illusion was made with trick photography it seems like you’re really…you’re really… it seems like you’re really here.”

“Photography” has been stuck in my head all day long. I can’t believe I overlooked this song because it was so slow and acoustic. I love the starting line.. ["Oh, oh, oh."]

I got my math test back. Fifty four. And I cried. And cried. I didn’t care who was watching. I’m tired of failure. And even though crying does not change a thing, it certainly helps me deal with it. As my eyes are webbed and stung. As my skin is retaining so much moisture. As my painted face suddenly falls apart with the black streaked awkwardness that I am composed of.

Before I say too much, please just know that I’m not obsessed, or so nearly depressed, or anything like that. Please hear what I have to say, because I don’t feel this way everyday. As a matter of fact, I’ve never had this feeling before. And I’d like to feel it more. So can I stare as you ascend the stairs? Now are you aware that I fell into your eyes at first sight? And I know we’ve never spoke a word. And I know this might sound strange to you. But I just can’t stop thinking of you.

Oh, how I wish those were words that I really wrote. Because they are the epitome of everything that I feel right now. And in just about the way that I would probably say it. I looked at him today in first. And he was looking at me too. Oh, god, I hate you so much for making me feel like it meant something. And don’t notice the tears in my eyes, as I realize the extent of the situation.

This happens everyday in the exact same way but that is the part that I try to forget. Tell me that I mean something. Anything, anything. Oh, be my weatherman and lie if the words still come out. I replay these moments in my mind the way I hoped for them to be, so there might be the slightest possibility. If I could open up my heart and let you out, I would never have to believe these things. I would never have to lie about these things.