Man, first it was The Format, and now it’s The Starting Line. This year sucks. (Yeah, I’m still not over this. Go die. Except not really.)

I have this essay to do, still. But then again, I’m not sure if I will have to turn it in. This is a rather compromising dilemma and it’s making me feel like not doing it. Jesus, man. I’ve given up on sentence structure, proper grammar, variety within my vocabulary, REDUNDANCY, and awkwardness. Observe:

As the majority is composed of Greek Cypriots, the political system is most heavily influenced by Greek Cypriots, thus belittling the needs of Turkish Cypriots. The new establishment born out of the Treaty of Guarantee, was to fix such an incongruence: the House of Representative was to be composed of fifteen Turkish representatives and thirty five Greek representatives. Such a system would allow some degree of consideration toward the needs of Turkish Cypriots. The elected president was to be of Greek descent, and the vice president was to be of Turkish descent, with powers to veto one another. Idealistically, such government would serve its people in a relatively unbiased way and better the lives of its country’s people. These treaties were passed in 1959, and the partition line was erected in 1974. President Makarios was elected into office, and, ultimately, passed regulations which even further reduced the rights and powers of Turkish Cypriots.
________

Yeah. I suck. But whatever, the people who are going to read my paper have little to no standards in terms of good writing, so I’m more or less guaranteed an A. “Like, omgz, she used the word, ‘incongruence.’” -dies-

I’ve been so inspired lately to sew stuff. K, yeah, Project Runway did it. But whatever.

toothpastefordinner.com

Life is good with TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER. :3

You’re living to die

… “And I’m dying to live.”

Yesterday, we talked and he walked by and smelled just like Debbie. I suppose the mixture of comfort and absolute uncertainty made me feel a bit emotional? I started crying. Whilst in the stage of being a teenager, every other experience feels like the end-all, be-all of human existence.

The PSAT signups for sophomores is this week and I’m not sure whether I should take it or not. It’s intended for juniors to take, anyways, so I’m thinking of just waiting until next year. Even if I’m ahead of my class by 654,989,843x.

We had an in-class essay in english yesterday, which I pretty much failed at since I thought we were going to work on a final draft today. So, my revised/edited essay is in some form that is incoherent to anyone other than myself, and that’s what I’m getting graded on! I have arrows all over the place, sentences that I was thinking of in the margins and crossed out, and then sentences that should be in my essay with arrows pointing to where it should go… Total fail, since it’s so incredibly messy.

Yay, two hour bus drive tomorrow with Katelynn! :D

Oh, and who thinks writing love letters is juvenile? I totally do, even if people are wanting me to jump off that bridge. *shudder*

I’m sick of the bends.

… “I can’t compete with all your damn ideas. I suffocate until the end. She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside.”

Debbie’s so amazing. She really does not give herself enough credit for it. Admittedly, she does have flaws, she’s not that super-human, but she’s still really great. I felt terrible earlier today, but then I realized that I’d be seeing Debbie after school and it made me happier!

… Jeebus, we were falling all over the place today. :D It was memorable, indeed. Even if it totally proves that Debbie hates being my partner (because she dropped me… D:)

laskjflsdjf he smiled at me omgz. *roll eyes* Darn it, amygdala!

I watched the newest adaptation of Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke played as Pip some dude named Finnegan? I hate it when they change the names of the people in the movie. If you want to base it off the movie, at least make it recognizable other than the title. All-in-all, it was a nice movie. A wonderful modern interpretation of the book, although I wish they emphasized Miss Havisham’s Ms. Dinsmoor’s role on Pip’s Finnegan’s life. (Jeebus, using these new names is terrible.) They absolutely cut out the whole Estella-being-abused-by-her-husband (and him dying because his horse hated him) thing, as well as her birth parents, AND Pip’s birth parents… alskjdfoiwjer They cut out the elaborate parts of the book, and kept the more shallow sexual scenes. That, I disliked. I valued Great Expectations because of its intricacy, it’s what kept me interested. So much so, that three years after reading it, I remember! Even if it was a decent movie, I really think it could’ve been better.

Riza’s birthday is next week and I have to make her a present. D:

I’m going to that diversity thing next Friday. We have to be at school at six thirty, and we get at our destination at eight! It’s really far away, but they’re serving us breakfast so it’s okay? AND lunch? I’m getting back home at around four, haha. School ends two hours earlier than that/I can’t go to swing club. D: Hopefully, I will be able to go; only nine students are allowed to go on the field trip.

Psychology has been very stressful, seeing as the chapters are getting longer and more boring than I had originally expected. Don’t get me wrong, a job in this field would be wonderful- my interest in this subject is not as typical as one would expect from a teenager (omgz, I’m so special, I like psychology! Who wouldn’t be interested in psychology?! Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe would find it interesting.) because, as you can tell- I love science! I just feel that the way this course is set up this book sucks. I’ve read better textbooks from the thrift store. From the sixties. Yah.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about social psychology. There’s this principle called diffusion of responsibility, or something, which describes a scenario in which a person is less likely to react to a situation if there are more people around. One person thinks that someone else will do something effective, so they do not do anything to solve a circumstance. Sadly, everyone else in the room is thinking the exact same thing, so nothing is done. This usually happens when one person is in need of something or badly hurt, unfortunately.

… I was just thinking about it because in my classes, the teachers tell really corny jokes. I feel bad for the teacher because they chuckle at themselves and the class does not react at all. Because of the whole diffusion thing, I actually react because I know nobody else will. The same thing applies when the teacher asks the class a question and expects for them to answer, and nobody does. So, decidedly, I’m the loudest person in my classes.

I’ll be all ready on that evening when you starve for my attention

… “And you’ll say, and you’ll say. Wake now prince, there’s a moon and sky above, and a jealous moon in love and they are starved for our attention.”

I may as well post before the week begins.

I have so much english homework that I should have done during the week, but I did not care enough to do it. Study habits are learned at a young age, so I suppose I should get started now? The World Literature book is ridiculously boring and asks the stupidest questions, so I choose to not spend my time that way. And I play Earthbound. I’m such a loser.

I went to the marching band competition last night. Riza’s band did not even win because they were sponsoring the event. I do not understand why they played in the first place, but that may be just me. It was freezing, though, and I did not think enough to bring a coat. So I ended up wearing Riza’s mother’s jacket (which was completely PNW, I’m telling you. Everyone around here wears them.) and looked like an eskimo. And Angela videotaped me dancing in the car to Riza’s mother’s Korean pop music, because it is techno and somewhere within it, a horse neighs. I do not understand, either, but it’s really dance-able.

… It is so sweet, though, and it makes me want to punch myself.

I painted today and hung up my newest creation. I’m getting better at this, even if the paintings are completely geometric and way too colorful for the average person.

I failed the science aspect of our standardized test. I took it a year early as a freshman last year, so I suppose it’s fine. I got all the points possible for writing, go figure. My english teacher outed me for it. I do not see it as an achievement, really, since the test is for idiots, even if it is state-wide. omgz i need to use counting blocks in order to do the math part!1! D: I weep for the future.

… And did I mention that I am five points short of passing the science part?!! Yah, I’m going to have to retake it to earn those five points back. I’m not enthused, since the science part is so meticulous. That makes me want to punch myself even more.

We were watching a film on evolution in world history last week, and Tyler sat next to me. He said quite loudly, “Read the bible!”

At that moment I realized, with amazing passion and absolutely no sympathy, that he is an idiot. I almost turned around and said, “Did your God make fossils just to trick us?!” Oh,  frustration.

“Which bothers you more - that you were the last to learn that your bible is filled with claims which have been dispelled by science or that some uppity scientist had the nerve to say so?” - Atheist Revolution

This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me angry when it comes to religious people. I’m sorry, but what did he expect that to accomplish by saying that? It probably did not get up there to Jeebus, and it certainly did not get through to anyone else in the room. He just ended up looking like a jerk.

Another thing is, they think that religion entirely replaces science. Tyler may as well have gone up to Stephen Hawking in his lab, while he’s working with his quasars and being smart, and said, “Stephen, I know you’re a smart guy and everything…

“But look here- the universe wasn’t created by a big bang, look- God made the universe! In six days and six nights…”

I’m not saying this about all religious people, mind you- I’m saying this about every religious fundamentalist.  I may be a very passionate atheist, but I would not do anything like he did. I am polite, gosh darn it. When people bring up religion, I’m fine with it. I do not always argue about it. I only do it when people are propagandizing it to me, or criticizing atheism, or talking about how wonderful it is and not being neutral. If I don’t agree with what they are saying, mostly because they do not have their facts straight, then I say something.

Some dude: “You scared the bejesus out of me!”

Me: “You suck.”

:D

… Take that, Jeebus!

The devil collects it, and with a grin

… “I love in a ball of yarn. When you are away, my heart comes undone, slowly unravels, in a ball of yarn.”

Geez, that song is so definitive of, well, that. I’ve decided to get over this. I won’t actively think about him. To think that he would come around, someday, is a delusion. I don’t believe in delusions. And of course, the second I decide this, he gave me so much attention, I started crying. I told myself that if he talks to me today, then I shouldn’t give up on him. But to do that is ridiculous, since chance does not establish connotation, so even if I told myself that to feel better, it obviously did not work.

School has been okay. I’ve been getting tons of exercise. I haven’t really made any new friends, I don’t think. I kind of did, there’s this girl that had spanish with me last year and I thought she was a total bimbo. She’s not that smart, really, but she has standards, which I like.

I ride the bus home now. In effect, I’ve been talking to Kate quite a bit. I would like her, but she’s overly suicidal, and I don’t really dig that. Amelia, on the other hand…

I don’t like my math class at all. The people in it are nice, but the teacher is stupid, and the textbook is actually stupider. I really want to get out of this class but mom and dad will not let me. The textbook is so insulting, you have no clue. We do everything in groups. We do “investigations” everyday. I also love what happened today, which perfectly describes the situation:

*on probability*

some dude: “Does it tell us how to do it in the book?”

my teacher: “Actually, no. Our textbooks aren’t <i>reference</i> books. If you want to learn how to do it, I suggest looking it up on the internet, mathwizard is a great place to start.”

Really. I also love how my teacher didn’t even try to explain it to him. I couldn’t believe it- at first, I thought it was just the book that was bad, but no, the teacher is almost as bad because she doesn’t even try to remedy the problem. Needless to say, all respect for her outside of the required academic perspective, is gone.

I’m so tired of my mood.

I can’t stand being around Mary lately. She hurts my feelings! I’m not sure if she is doing it on purpose or not. I absolutely dislike how condescending she can be towards me. Condescension of any sort gets me frustrated.

Ah. Right now, I feel like everybody and their mothers just couldn’t care less about me. Gosh, I need those birth control pills now, because I can’t stand how I cannot control my emotions at all.

I saw Adrian Underwood at least five times this week. I should punch him as I walk by so he’d pay attention to me. I don’t particularly remember any conversation we had when he was around, but I do remember that I dug him alot.

I need somebody around right now, I just don’t want to admit it, because I should be totally over it already.

So here’s a present to let you know I still exist

… “A sip for every second-hand tick, and for every time you fed me the line, “you mean so much to me…” I’m without you. It’s 8:45, the weather is getting better by the hour, I hope it rains there all the time.”

I slept over at Megan’s house. And I can proudly say, thanks to inertia, that I got ninja-ed by a damn bicycle. I feel like an idiot. So I have now suffered my second biking accident in my entire life. It’s pretty embarrassing, but it was so hardcore. AND I hid it from her mother. Swt.

… Actually, it wasn’t that bad. It still hurts really badly. But I did not cry over it. I TOOK IT LIKE A MAN!

… Compare that to the massive amount of crying I managed to conjure up a few hours before as I left school.

Dear you:

I really wish I never met you. I want to hear you sad. I want you to feel every single time you have hurt me without knowing it. And I want to hate you as much as I hate myself for not hating you. I want you to realize how important you are to me. I cried over you more than I had when I actually was physically hurt. Doesn’t that symbolize how far you run? I can’t think of you without crying. I cried over your picture, but nobody will know that. You will never know that. You don’t care at all.

I was waiting for you all day long. I even cried when you were away. And then you came and I was suddenly so happy. And then I felt the same.

To hell with penises. (penii?)

*ahem*

Anyways.

I took picz at school yesterday. I’m getting them developed right now. I wonder how terrible they will turn out. Because disposable cameras suck. Really badly. But whatever. At least I took picz.

The Format is going to release their record, Dog Problems, for free on their website on Tuesday to download. I love these dudes. They were planning on it before, but it’s really happening. Sadly, I already own it.

You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat

… “ While the world was flying by. I haven’t been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don’t advertise. I’ve been sleeping so strange with a head full of pesticide. I got no plans and too much time, I feel too restless to unwind. I’m always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favorite neon sign, where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word.”

Geez. I’ve been using the hugest quotes to open my entries, lately. But it’s okay, because it is Bright Eyes =D

I’ve been feeling very poetic, but I feel if I were to fill up those papers once more, people would think I’m being all scene.

I worked on my anthology until eleven last night. But that was the last time I really looked at the clock. So really, I have no idea when I went to bed, but it was really late. I feel terrible, and my father will not let me sleep for more than an hour everyday!

I am starting to welcome summer with open arms, when I realized how much time I’ll have to do stuff. I started to reject the thought once I realize that I do not have a driving permit; I will probably not get one for a very long time; my parents would not let me walk places this summer; my mother’s agoraphobia (yes, seriously.) keeps her inside all summer long, because her only motivation to go anywhere is because of my father; and, ultimately, summer school. *sigh*

I was looking through the pictures we have. It turns out, mom and dad took a s***load of pictures when I was a baby; and I got to see tiny mommy! And tiny Amanda!

Oh, and as a result of seeing tiny Amanda, I realize that I am the coolest person I know. My mom told me a few days ago that I would rub her earlobes when I was a baby (I don’t know why, either) and when she would turn away, I would pinch her. I’m so awesome, I cannot believe it.

… And I guess I am just weird, but it was pretty comforting to see the pictures! For the longest time, I had believed that most of my memories from when I was little, were made up. What can I say? I read alot when I was little, and I have discovered plenty of false memories as a result.

Anthony is going to send me his arguments (finally!) after three weeks of consolation. I will win. Why do I win? Because Anthony is a clueless idiot (okay, that was a bit mean. He’s a clueless idiot who is usually smart, but the oxytocin flowing through his brain does not allow him to make appropriate judgments.) who makes up verbs. Observe:

“Even if the bible did not say homosexuality was wrong, I would still personally believe that it was wrong. Simply look at it this way; God created Adam and Eve, a woman and a man, not two men or two women. We are created (or evolutionized, depending on what you believe) perfectly for a man to be with a woman.”

Oh, and if he tells me that evolution is a theory, I think I will hit him over the head with a keyboard. Observe:

Ah. Did you think of the other kind of keyboard? Yeah. I thought so. This one looks radder.

But anyways. I got my AR points in. I am not surprised, but mom and dad were freaking out about it. I knew I’d get them in. Therefore, I wasn’t freaking out.

I didn’t really want to go and take my AR test, but Kai came with me and a good time was had by all. It was quite fun, actually. I love that dude.

Woot! The Rocket Summer’s new record is coming out on my birthday. Swt.

School’s ending in eight days, I believe. So weird to think about!

The freshman farewell was yesterday, and I didn’t go. So during the rehearsal during fifth period, everybody who wasn’t going got to go outside and play around. It was fun! Laurie said it was boring. She actually fell asleep on my lap. But then again, she can fall asleep anywhere. I guess I am just more sentimental than she is, just because her and I never seem to hang out by ourselves much.

I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I find myself saying to myself, “I wish this moment could last forever! Remember how this feels, because this probably will not happen again.” Seriously. I don’t know. Even though I am very young, I’ve been hearing tons of stuff about the world ending, and it’s made me feel really morbid.

… And about the world ending. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The Mayans were an extremely advanced people, especially in astronomy and mathematics. They cared alot about the calendar, and spent years working on it. They accurately foretold lunar eclipses and stuff, which is pretty difficult to do! They even engraved their calendar on a pyramid, and set this pyramid up in a way that when the sun passes through the pyramid during the spring and autumn equinoxes, it looks like a snake is writhing up the steps of the pyramid. And given this information, I would love to believe the world would end.

But… This whole thing about the world ending sends me down a path that yells “OMGZ! DIVINE INTERVENTION!” and the Maya did think that the world would end because of Quetzalcoatl. And, you know, this doesn’t help, either:

“The progressiveness of the Mayan culture convinced a certain sector of their fan base that the Maya were actually not human at all. This line of thinking follows the concept that the Maya are in fact aliens from another planet who traveled by the light of the stars. The belief is that the Mayans will return on December 21, 2012 to transform reality. One of the curators of this theory is Jose Arguelles, author of “The Mayan Factor: Path Beyond Technology.” Arguelles believes the Maya actually are from the star Arcturus in the Pleides cluster and materialized in Mesoamerica as “galactic agents.””

But anyways. We are making an ice cream cake in food science as our final project (we all have to make different things) and we had extra stuff today so… I ate ice cream sandwiches AND lumpia! Lumpia is amazing. I do not know anybody who despises lumpia. Lumpia is so pimpin’. (Actually, I really hate that adjective.) I love it so much, I’m going to make a song.

Lumpia Lumpia

So heavenly and true

Made by old ladies who dye their poodles blue

Lumpia Lumpia

Food of the gods

And is made of encephalopods (Not really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

Is part of a conspiracy

To overthrow the RIAA and restore piracy! (Yes, really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

How can this be so?

With you so far away and to Riza’s house not to go?

… The last part has to do with the fact that I never have lumpia outside of the quarters of Riza’s house.

OH! AND LORREN!
‘Ere is the link since I forgot your e-mail. Lame.

Oh, and excuse the bad grammar. I am very tired.

Are you thinking of me, while you’re putting on your makeup, darling?

… “Dying your hair like you do!”

I have decided what my anthology will look like.

It will involve something one would expect of me, but whatever.

CUE TEH PACMANS!

*Ahem*

But anyways.

I woke up this morning and ate pancakes. This event is significant because I never get pancakes in the morning. This is insignificant because I made it and my mother didn’t. Therefore… *whispers*

My mother doesn’t feed me.

But anyways.  Everybody is upstairs eating because… *whisper*

My mother feeds other people that aren’t Amanda.

Excuse my poor grammar, it’s early. And I am just not thinking so…

Maybe I’ll write more later. Maybe not. Whatever.

And I will lie awake

… “And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you. Let you fall for every empty word I say.”

We went to McChord today, and St. Vinnies. I bought some stuff I’m going to use for my anthology, hopefully it’ll work out well. I also bought a book on the origin of modern humans, which I am looking forward to reading.

I finished reading that Harry Potter book. So now I get to take my test.

Anthony is getting me pretty angry. He called me “clueless”. Uh, you’re the one who is making up a god to explain how the world works. I’m relying on science. *weighs with hands*

I am rewriting my essays to add to my anthology. Sadly, I did not save the final draft on my computer out of laziness, so I’m going to have to write the final draft and my revised over again. Such fun, really.

So, uh, I suppose I should write my first list on wordpress. Swt.

Top Ten Songs Amanda Cannot Stop Listening to:

1. Float On (cover) - Little Drawings

2. Swans (unreleased, live)- The Format

3. Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis- Brand New

4. Cars and Calories- Saves the Day

5. The Calendar Hung Itself- Bright Eyes

6. Degausser- Brand New

7. Kill (cover) - Little Drawings

8. Stationary- Little Drawings

9. Miss America (live in Berlin) - Something Corporate

10. She Paints Me Blue (cover, live in Chicago) - Jack’s Mannequin

Woo! A full ten, swt.

So. Mind-body connection. I prefer to believe there is no causal correlation between the things we think/feel/hope/etc. and the things that actually happen. And even though I have personally experienced somewhat “magical” occurrences in my lifetime, I don’t take them as magical and just as sheer luck. But there has been plenty of evidence supporting the theory.

… But, I got to thinking. What if the things we think are actually a biproduct, and not as special as we assume them to be? That our consciousness is actually a more concrete thing than we imagine?

And you know what is awesome?

AMANDA CONQUERED THE VENDING MACHINE!

EXPERIENCE THE MAGICAL PUZZLE BALL!

So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars

… “And please if you got a minute, enjoy this lonely sky with me, it’ll swallow us whole if we only let it. If I could only see you now for about an hour.”

Today was just as eventful. I don’t know, either. I hope this is not considered betrayal to all the things that never happened.

Anyways, I got my science test back and I got a seventy three on it. At least there will be an extra credit test later on in the year, because I think I will really need it.

I feel so split in half, lately. I’ve been trying so hard to combat confirmation bias, but in every situation, I find very good arguments. Although, these arguments are against one another and it makes it very difficult to make any decision. I don’t know. I have had tons to think about today, but none of these concepts I truly want to discuss.

Tell everyone if you want to be the one he was thinking of

… “You are the only thing, the only thing that he has left… In later hours when the packed bars start spitting cowards, they’re picking scars, cell phones clenched along the sidewalk, they usually stay out of our way. The bridge and tunnel just seems to escape near our home.”

This morning, I went to class early to correct my homework. Seeing as I was the only person in the room, my teacher and I participated in small talk. It’s so weird with me, because when I’m in situations like that, I have to make an effort to keep the conversation going. I suppose it’s a natural inclination for me to be short with people, I don’t know, but I try to avoid one-word answers. The conversation was nice, but all I can say is it took alot of effort to keep it going.

I have a science test tomorrow and I feel very unprepared. At least I will have a period to do whatever in math, which is something I look forward to. Substitutes in math is absolutely awesome because the teachers have no knowledge of the course at all.

I am experiencing existentialism at the worst time ever. Geez, despite what I had said before, I doubt I will ever completely rid myself of solipsism, either. Lame. I feel those two words (yes, the big ones) are connected, really. Gah.

I am still stressed out over AR, considering Riza’s mother is starting to add pressure on me. She’s not even my mother. This morning, she made sure I had read this weekend. Of course, I did, do you think I want to take PE during the school year? Why is it that every adult I know seems to believe this? Give me more credit than that. And no, mother, I did not take an AR test today. If I did, it would be the first thing I would tell you once I got in the car so you would stop asking me that godforsaken question.

And one more rant, only on the life and times of Jesus Christ.

1. Jesus never existed.

2. If he did exist, why is it that there is no written record of him or the supposedly amazing thing he did? At all? There was this dude named Philos who wrote on the account of Jews, who specialized in religion and lived when Jesus apparently did. He never mentioned Jesus.

He actually ruled out the existence of a son of God. ( “And even if there be not as yet any one who is worthy to be called a son of God, nevertheless let him labour earnestly to be adorned according to his first-born word, the eldest of his angels, as the great archangel of many names; for he is called, the authority, and the name of God, and the Word, and man according to God’s image, and he who sees Israel.” - Philo, “On the Confusion of Tongues,” (146))

3. No, the Gospels do not count. Note the fact that they were written thirty five to forty years after Jesus apparently died, and was not an eyewitness account. Some people date them even later than that, from around the second century.

4. Realize this- people believed in a Jesus before the Gospels were even written. These people are believed to have been in a cult, in which they believed in a Jesus in a more spiritual sense, and this cult revolved around “Jesus”.

/rant

I have not eaten much today. I’ve been feeling really weird, actually, although I’m not sure if it is synesthetically connected or not. Which sucks. I am way too impatient today.

At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught

… “I think in decimals and dollars, I am the cause to all your problems, I am everything the other boys promised, oh, it hurts to be this good.”

We went to Uwajimaya today. I now own some Ramune =D

I woke up at two this morning and despite taking my sleeping meds, I still couldn’t sleep. Terrible.

I finished my final draft of my practice dress and am about to cut into my pretty fabric. It’s terrible, though, because I bought four yards of the stuff and hardly need one. Oh, well, the fabric is beautiful!

Tomorrow is school, again. On Wednesday, I have a science test. I wonder if I’ll have a math quiz. I need to go into class early and correct my homework, but my teacher is never there.

I finished reading Fahrenheit 451 today, so I can take my AR test. It’s a relief, but it’s also painful to think about. This whole thing is so stressful already, and my parents are not helping at all. For that reason, I really wish I never told them about this in the first place. I knew I’d regret it, but not this much. So I’ve more or less decided to keep them out of my school life, no matter the cost. Because this is not worth it. I only told them out of fear, too. Terrible.

Just wait one minute more

… “Because my heart is halfway torn and you’re already gone.”

I did laundry today. And homework. Lame. I worked on my practice dress for about… Three minutes. I then concluded such activity was lame and I could do it later. YAY FOR PROCRASTINATION!!

The best thing yet is that I have the day off tomorrow to READ. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my opposition to staying around the house with absolutely nothing to do is, indeed, reading. Thanks.

Uh. I feel awesome. With my background in psychology, I realize simple answers to things make me sound smart, or that I “think outside the box”. Observe:

Mother, father and I were watching a thing about the Exxon oil spill. Father said the fishermen had nothing to worry about because they could have settled down somewhere else. Mother said something about the fish being gone. Oh, but I said that the fishermen did not have the MEANS to move somewhere else and the Exxon oil spill affected other areas than Cordova, Alaska. It is also psychologically more difficult to admit defeat. I pwn.

Oh, I also realized that I am the hugest hippie ever.And that Kirby is f****** awesome.

… Except when you reach level four, have to get offline, and when you log back in later, you find that have to start back at level one.

… And when you have apple pie to eat, finally, and you feel you have eaten way too much today and have to refuse. (Actually, no, I’m going to eat it very soon. I deserve it. Hehe.) OMGZ! Apple pie has to be baked for an hour! Wah.

Is that dress adorable? I’m not sure. The ruffle at the bottom does not seem to work at all. Or maybe I’m just not a frill person!

*ahem* but anyways. Hmm. I feel I need certain things for freshman to accompany my dress. BUT DARN IT! I don’t dig the concept much. Shopping for shoes absolutely sucks when you’re only going to wear them once! GAH!

YAY! I like this dress, but it is not for me. *frowns*

hehe. Jesus touches himself.

hehe. JESUS WANTS YOU!

ALIEN JESUS!

I can see it now- Jesus captured on To Catch a Predator. Pwned. *chikapow*

TAMAGOTCHI!!! Woot!

You don’t do it on purpose but you make me shake

… “Now I’ll count the hours until you wake when your baby’s breath breathes symphonies, come on sweet catastrophe, well, maybe this time I could follow through, I could feel complete, stop paying dues, stop the rain from falling, keep my ocean calm, this time I know nothing is wrong!”

What kind of atheist are you?

You scored as a Militant Atheist Willing to take theists to task, the Militant Atheist is someone who knows deep within themselves that there is no god and they want to tell you all about how they know. Even though they’re as annoying in their own way as militant theists, this is often a phase of development and doesn’t tend to last very long. If it does, they’re in danger of becoming an Angry Atheist and making everyone uncomfortable.

Militant Atheist 100%

Angry Atheist 83%

Apathetic Atheist 67%

Scientific Atheist 67%

Agnostic 33%

Spiritual Atheist 0%

Theist 0%

Heh. I’m a bit disappointed with this score, because I feel equally militant AND angry.

Hmm. Today wasn’t that terrible.

In first we learned about the anthology thing we are going to do. It’s so weird to think that the year is this close to ending- when she said “this is the last project you will do for this class”, it really brought a sense of finality. Not to mention that every single class I have, we’ve been talking about the last week of school. I am not anticipating the end of school much.

We’re going to Azteca tomorrow, which will be quite fun. Amelia and I are sharing ice cream. It’s Megan’s birthday tomorrow, too.

We’re planning on going to the movies and then sleeping over at her house. Hopefully Amelia will be able to come, because it would be fun. Except for the fact that my mother has to converse with her mother first.

We made brownies today in food science. The whole class is a blur to me. Who would’ve thunk it? I never expected to be friends with Cody, or Spencer, or Amelia. At least not in this way. It’s quite nice. Before I would see them with my other friends, starting conversations with them because they were actually friends, and I never thought I would be considered their friends. I love them so much.

Digitools has consisted of nothing useful. This eighth grader did a powerpoint presentation on junior high romance. Yeah. Debbie and Lorren have been playing tetris all period. I started it but lately, I haven’t been playing it much. I’m really trying to find some kind of volunteer thing to do over the summer. I once thought there were tons of opportunities. I suppose there are not.

Yesterday was the pep assembly. Laurie and I didn’t go. It may have been the last one at our school, and who knows, maybe I’ll regret not going later, but I cannot stand those things. It was okay, Laurie and I had little to do. We ended up playing card games. But I got skittles.

The earthquake drill had also occurred. It was really funny, because we had a substitute and since the class was too loud, we ended up going under our desks instead of evacuating. I love how Spencer was getting his mp3 player out on the way.

I just finished watching 24 and dare I say it.. JACK! DON’T JUMP! AH! And Chloe is pregnant. This is the first time there has been the slightest pathetic soap-opera drama during the show. BUT OMGZ! We cannot afford to have little Morris’ (Morrii?) running around.

keep in mind it’s picture time

… “My smile wasn’t staged but anyway.”

The best feeling in the world: Reaching for a glass of water and realizing it is apple juice. F*** yeah.

I napped today. Which was quite nice. Until my dog barked the loudest he possibly could have, in which I proceeded to cry. Thanks.

Oh, and today I totally had a conversation with the one person I *really* care about. It was swt. And I did not act like a total bimbo. Or maybe I did, but I don’t remember. Either way, the memory is rather nice. And he looked at me awesomely. Although it had no connotative meaning, it was still pretty rad. (Actually I remember this vividly now (five minutes after I wrote this paragraph… He was all freaking out over homework. I guess the oxytocin is not flowing much through my brain right now but dude, why overreact?! )

I took a math test today and I was on the very last question and the bell rang. I was pretty lucky because my teacher is giving us extra time tomorrow. It was a bit odd though, because my teacher was handing out the test to our row and was like, “Amanda, you look so sad!” and then Cameron was like, “what’s wrong?” I was completely surprised by my teacher even asking, I wasn’t even looking sad! And if I did, it was completely unintentional. So I said, “Really? I am? I’m as happy as I can be!” it was a little weird since I never seem to get attention from any of my teachers throughout the day.

It is also weird that everybody cares so much about the dress I’m making for the dance! Every now and then somebody would ask me how it is going (and it does not have anything to do with the conversation) it’s nice. I can’t help but wonder if they are just making small talk, though. You know me and my pessimism!

I stayed a little after school today and bought my ticket for the dance *finally!*

You know what’s swt? Visual illusions. It’s cool because they had this contest and chose the top ten. They have possible explanations of how they work for most of them.

This is something almost as awesome: An article from Wired talking about how absurd security measures (like banning fake guns in school plays) are psychologically satisfying but not practical at all. Finally, the world is not as stupid as I once thought! These dudes at Wired should have my babies. Hmm..

I think it is time for me to reflect on the year. This year was pretty terrible, but I think that was due to the stress of school. What can I say? I enjoyed every single hug I received, we all had such awesome conversations. I absolutely love how my friends (from either lunch during the year) had always made me feel better. We always laughed! Which was great! If it weren’t for this year, I would not have been able to truly appreciate the people around me. This year, psychological maturation has progressed at a much faster rate than the past two years combined.

I’m trying to find some kind of atheism thing I can do to put on my portfolio. It’s something I really “believe” (if that’s the right word) in- and it’d be swt if I could do it. But then again, the separation of church and state is far from here, and some colleges may reject me for being an atheist. Sure, it’s discrimination, but I do not doubt it would happen. The *slight* psychosis I have been diagnosed with will not help either, oops!

Hah, Jerry Falwell has died. Oh, you don’t know who he is? Let me give you a brief synopsis:

1. He was a strong segregationist. He changed his mind later, but he referred the Civil Rights Movement as the “Civil Wrongs Movement”. He even wanted a book to be banned because the main character was black.

2. He advocated the death penalty for homosexuals

3. He believed public schools were bad because they condoned atheism, secularism, and humanism.

4. He opposed women’s suffrage

5. Falwell sued people. He seemed to like it too.

6. Yeah, wikipedia’d. “In November 1983, Larry Flynt’s pornographic magazine Hustler carried a parody of a Campari ad, featuring a fake interview with Falwell in which he admits that his “first time” was incest with his mother in an outhouse while drunk” Yeah, he sued them for it, too.

7. He sued some dude for making a website called Fallwell.com. I guess he missed the extra L.

8. He was anti-semitic and believed the anti-christ would present itself as a Jew. In the Middle East.

9. He claimed Tinky Winky was gay because he is purple. And has a triangle on his head. Really. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way- thank you for that link, Heather- it is a bit late but it is still pretty useful! And I’m thinking of taking some pictures, because this is the freshman dance! =D

I’ll sport a smile, take in some color under the stars

… “I’ll be your lover, no more distractions, I’m going to treat you right. It seems like things are only getting better, it seems like we can never catch a break… Look at the time, we’re always waiting but we’re in love, that should be just fine.”

GAH! I love the starting line even more than before! ‘Islands’ is so… Oh!

We have this family friend that talks to my mother and I everyday as we wait for my brother to come to the car. *whisper* They have a really cute son. But anyways! They saw my yearbook picture from last year which was, dare I say it, terrible. I look so much better this year but since I don’t think their son knows me that well, he doesn’t know that! Gah! I only know him because I see him around sometimes. But in a few weeks I may talk to him…
*teenybopperscream*

On a more professional note… Uh, sorry, there’s not much going on right now.

Dear you:

I love the way you look at me! (teeny bopper scream part deux)

ANYWAYS! I wish I could say something totally profound. But I can’t, so I’ll just vent because I have not been thinking of anything besides the things I am currently stressed about.

AR is going terribly. I have finally given up my dignity and pride, once more for the sake of getting ahead/pleasing somebody, so I have checked out a plethora of picture books. Yes, picture books. I cannot describe the amount of humility I experienced as I typed “Winnie the Pooh” into the library catalog’s search engine. Even worse- I didn’t even check it out because it’s one of those touch and feel books. Gross.

And the freshman dance! I finally started drafting my dress together but I am not sure how it will look. I experimented with fabrics to see which would look good on me. Ah! I’m not much of a busy bee during the afternoon and am the most productive at night, ironic, so I was up until ten working on it last night. As a result of working hard, I couldn’t relax until eleven. I’m trying to think positively here, but I’m so scared of cutting into the fabric and messing my dress up because it is so important. I regret telling the handful of people that I made it because I feel obliged to blow them away, which I’m not sure if I will do. To be brutally honest, even though my sewing has progressed- I do not have the money to buy a serger, and I will probably never go out and buy one despite my expertise because I’m afraid this is just a fad that will go away quickly.

Megan’s birthday is coming up and I feel obliged once more, to buy her something. I don’t know. I’ve never been great at giving presents but I feel very guilty when I don’t give presents to people. Ah! The effect of consumerism in modern western civilizations! On one hand, I feel like I need to get her something but on the other I feel like I’m buying into another stupid tradition.

I’m also debating whether I should go to the dance at all. I don’t understand what the big fuss is about. It’s just a dance. But I also feel like I need to go. Like I’ll regret not going after. I guess I’ll try to act as enthused as I can. It’s just so much stress I feel I don’t need right now. This is so stupid! I don’t even want to go that much. And thanks to every little thing about I’ve read about Freud’s theories, I cannot let this go! Why am I thinking this way? Am I conforming? Am I trying to stay somewhat individualistic while conforming? Why not go if I don’t lose anything? Why go if I’ll be happy not going? Life is short. But what guarantees my happiness in either situation?

The year is almost over. And I’m definitely not hyped up to go to the high school. I’ll be as simple as I can- I’m not going to write this like I think anyone is reading this. I’m not sure why I am so anxious. I have my friends there, so everything should be fine. Except for the fact that the only classes I actually wanted was AP Psychology and honors english. And I’m feeling only slightly unprepared. I have thought this through so much but I don’t remember what I said. I’m also having some monetary problems as well, which I will not go into much, but it’s also extremely stressful.

I also hate how I come off as flirtatious when I really do not mean to. It happens so often and I’ve been so impulsive lately- I don’t think it through much. I absolutely hate protean signals, and yet I find myself giving them off unintentionally. So stupid.

The last contagious victim of this plague between us

…”I’m sick with apprehension, I’m crippled from exhaustion, and I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.”

I don’t know, either. Lorren was gone today and I was all lonely. I became Debbie’s duckling for the day. She got a cherry smencil. It smelled good. Sophia got her an orange smencil, which smelled terrible. There were not that many people in first period today, so we had a study period. It was swt. Mostly because I finished my powerpoint presentations. It’s so warm, I hardly have the motivation! It’s really depressing. Uh.

Thomas Jefferson was an atheist and even wrote a book about it. I don’t know, either, I have very little to talk about today.

TSL is releasing another song tonight, at midnight. Mayybe, if I wake up at the right time… I can get on the computer and listen to it. Uh, yeah, I’m that hardcore.

We’re going to Azteca next Friday, and doing the whole salsa dancing thing. I don’t want to be all worried about who I’ll dance with, so I’m thinking of just asking Gene to dance with me ahead of time. He’s a really awesome dude. But anyways, Megan’s birthday is next friday as well. We also have a science test. *shudder*

With lucky denver mint

… “You’re not bigger than this, not better, why can’t you learn?”

You know what makes me feel like I’m on methamphetamines?

THE STARTING LINE’S RELEASE DATE!

Yesyesyesyesyes. July 31st. I cannot wait. Their new song has been stuck in my head all day long. I cannot stand the anticipation. This summer is going to be awesome.

We’re starting a creative writing prompt in english, and in theory, it sounds like fun. But I cannot get started. Okay, I can, but I cannot find a good plot. I don’t want to make the plot too obvious (I went to the store. I bought food. I came home. The end.)

In the perfect time or place the words could make more sense

… “In a perfect place, the future wouldn’t make of this.”

Hmm. I have school tomorrow. And we will probably get our cumulative back because it is a scantron. Maybe I could bribe a teacher to give me some scantron forms, because they look so neat! Oh, the crafting possibilities! =D

… My mother is starting to get angry at me for stealing the lottery tickets and the withdrawal forms from the bank. But mother, the possibilities are endless!

I have decided how my dress for freshman is going to end up.. It’s between these two. Aren’t they so awesome? I’m leaning toward the grey one, because I have fabric that matches it perfectly. Although, that would mean I would have to sacrifice said fabric.. I was hoping to make something else with it (because it is so versatile) At least they are not too dressy, seeing as I’m not one to fuss over fancy things. I hate feeling like a queen- it makes me feel so shallow.

People tend to like ideas that are arranged in lists. I love lists. Because they are better than paragraphs. I am planning on going through ALL of my posts (yes, all three hundred and seventy two) and tagging the ones which include lists. I’ll see how that goes. Thus, I’m presenting a list forward. I should do lists more often. It’s just that I can never find anything I have so much of an opinion on that would qualify as a list. Or the thought is too complex to even consider to compile into a list.

Top _____ Reasons Why The World Owns You:

1. Luck never works.

2. Neither does praying.

a)the laws of nature will NEVER change for you. Luck/praying all lean towards the goal of a miracle happening. By definition, a miracle is an occurrance which defies the laws of nature and is considered an act of god. The laws of nature will never change for anything, so miracles are virtually impossible, so the idea of luck and prayer are stupid.

b) Another way of stating A is this: There is only one law of nature, not one law of nature for christians/people who believe in luck, and another for non-believers.

3. Happiness is something you will never truly experience without the assistance of amphetamines.

a) Basic human nature does not allow anyone to be truly happy. There will ALWAYS be a flaw.

4. You will always want more.

a)money.

b)love.

c)once more, happiness.

5. Someone will always be better than you are.

6. I am always right.

7. You are always wrong.

You can definitely sense my friendliness in this post today. So, my parents proceeded to ban me from reading about atheism last night. They changed their minds about it, but this is what they proceeded to inform me of soon after:

1. I am not allowed to discuss my beliefs with my family.

2. I have to find something to believe in, so my parents will believe that I will not die tomorrow as a result of my atheism. And so they can believe that I will go to heaven.

Hmm. I thought my parents were more open about these kinds of things. I thought only other people’s parents did this, not mine. I was appreciative of that. I thought they were smarter than this. I will not believe in anything. I will not because I do not. Every single time I read something or hear something about how people are so devoted to their god, I feel like punching them. I cannot stand their stupidity. Yes, I am being extremely blunt.

But I’ll tell you something- I’m tired of having to sugarcoat my beliefs while every other christian in America can voice their opinions in the same way, identifying me as satanic and informing me that I will proceed to go to hell soon after I die.

My mother asked me if I felt bad because I don’t believe in god. Of course I do not feel bad for being so much smarter than seventy percent of the population. And if I die tomorrow, at least I’ll die not expecting to be carried away by angels to a “better place”. If souls existed and heaven did not, wouldn’t it feel stupid waiting in your coffin waiting forever for angels to come and take you away?

My parents also informed me that my beliefs will change as I gain more life experience and hopefully I’ll believe the “right thing”. Our discussion was peppered with accusations of delusion and how I’ll “find my way”. I have not had this kind of drama in months. All I can say is I am thoroughly disappointed.

Hopefully, I will get around to reconning the sweater I bought yesterday so it’ll fit right. It’s not that attractive on the hanger, but it’ll look nice once I put it on when It fits. *teeny bopper squeal*

“It’s me and the moon, she says, and I’ve got no trouble with that… And it’s over, it just started, blood stained the carpet, her heart like a crystal, she’s lucid and departed, a life left behind she can find on the way… You marry a role and you give up your soul until you break down.”

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can’t say

… “Landing on a runway in Chicago, the land of all my dreams, I never thought I’d see California or know what’s in between.”

I think I messed that up. I listened to (dare I say it) TTTYG last night… And I’d say they are much better pre-IOH. Or FUTCT. Uh. I’ve given up way too much of my pride in saying so. That’s why I used acronyms. Now you know.

My punishment has been lifted. And when I asked why, my parents told me “it is obviously not working.” that was good. Except when they added this:

“If you don’t get your AR points by the end of the year, next year, you will be homeschooled.”

Is it just me, or is that a tad bit severe? / totally blowing it out of proportion?? Yeah.

So of course, I’ve been cooking all day. Lemon curd is my new love. Actually, lemons in general are my new love. But mom and dad are tired of all the lemon things I’m cooking, so I might make some chocolate souffle later. It’ll be swt. I think I need a pocketbook. If I write down all the cool stuff I think about, I think it’ll accentuate my awesomeness. Or just make me feel cool.