The fourth of July is among one of the most vain holidays celebrated around here. That isn’t to suggest that there isn’t one holiday around here that does not have a trace of vanity within it, but indeed, the fourth of July is a holiday that is among the most exploited. I hate the fourth of July. It is a waste of time.

I have a new pair of glasses. I cannot say that I appreciate them all too much at the moment, I hope it’s only because I need to get used to them. It feels like I’m wearing someone else’s glasses. I miss my old glasses, :3

I’ve been thinking of my aspirations toward evolutionary psychology and after much consideration, evolutionary psychology is absolutely the last field I want to study. I hadn’t thought of it all that much before, but what relevance does evolution have to what is now established as, evolutionary psychology? Yeah, absolutely nothing. Evolutionary psychology is a field that reeks of confabulation and hindsight bias. All of the claims evolutionary psychology makes can only be established after the fact. I mean, think of it: evolution and natural selection, cannot be applied to psychology without losing its meaning. Anyone who knows anything about evolution to begin with could come to terms with that. Evolution results from natural selection- mutations which do not benefit the organism die out; mutations which benefit an organism make the organism more likely to reproduce, and as that mutation spreads among a population, the population evolves. How could this be logically correlated with psychology?

Evolutionary psychology’s heuristic procedure is to pick out a behavior and use the evolution of humans in an attempt to explain the behavior. The problem with this logic is that evolution does not explain all behavior, and most behavior is societally influenced more so than biologically influenced. Although this is a problem within every field of psychology, it should definitely be brought up- free will exists, yeah. Furthermore, the notion that there isn’t a universal behavior pattern across cultures is altogether ignored.  It is also amusing of how evolutionary psychologists attempt to explain behaviors such as rape and sexism with such mitigating power, as if biology favors them. And, of course, we must not forget that their claims are not falsifiable, which almost instantly categorizes it as a pseudoscience. Most importantly, the time in which modern humans have existed is too short of a time for any sort of Darwinian evolution to occur.

This sucks, though, because I was completely ready to go into this field, but now that I realize it isn’t too credible, I have to figure out something else.

I’m sick of the bends.

… “I can’t compete with all your damn ideas. I suffocate until the end. She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside.”

Debbie’s so amazing. She really does not give herself enough credit for it. Admittedly, she does have flaws, she’s not that super-human, but she’s still really great. I felt terrible earlier today, but then I realized that I’d be seeing Debbie after school and it made me happier!

… Jeebus, we were falling all over the place today. :D It was memorable, indeed. Even if it totally proves that Debbie hates being my partner (because she dropped me… D:)

laskjflsdjf he smiled at me omgz. *roll eyes* Darn it, amygdala!

I watched the newest adaptation of Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke played as Pip some dude named Finnegan? I hate it when they change the names of the people in the movie. If you want to base it off the movie, at least make it recognizable other than the title. All-in-all, it was a nice movie. A wonderful modern interpretation of the book, although I wish they emphasized Miss Havisham’s Ms. Dinsmoor’s role on Pip’s Finnegan’s life. (Jeebus, using these new names is terrible.) They absolutely cut out the whole Estella-being-abused-by-her-husband (and him dying because his horse hated him) thing, as well as her birth parents, AND Pip’s birth parents… alskjdfoiwjer They cut out the elaborate parts of the book, and kept the more shallow sexual scenes. That, I disliked. I valued Great Expectations because of its intricacy, it’s what kept me interested. So much so, that three years after reading it, I remember! Even if it was a decent movie, I really think it could’ve been better.

Riza’s birthday is next week and I have to make her a present. D:

I’m going to that diversity thing next Friday. We have to be at school at six thirty, and we get at our destination at eight! It’s really far away, but they’re serving us breakfast so it’s okay? AND lunch? I’m getting back home at around four, haha. School ends two hours earlier than that/I can’t go to swing club. D: Hopefully, I will be able to go; only nine students are allowed to go on the field trip.

Psychology has been very stressful, seeing as the chapters are getting longer and more boring than I had originally expected. Don’t get me wrong, a job in this field would be wonderful- my interest in this subject is not as typical as one would expect from a teenager (omgz, I’m so special, I like psychology! Who wouldn’t be interested in psychology?! Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe would find it interesting.) because, as you can tell- I love science! I just feel that the way this course is set up this book sucks. I’ve read better textbooks from the thrift store. From the sixties. Yah.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about social psychology. There’s this principle called diffusion of responsibility, or something, which describes a scenario in which a person is less likely to react to a situation if there are more people around. One person thinks that someone else will do something effective, so they do not do anything to solve a circumstance. Sadly, everyone else in the room is thinking the exact same thing, so nothing is done. This usually happens when one person is in need of something or badly hurt, unfortunately.

… I was just thinking about it because in my classes, the teachers tell really corny jokes. I feel bad for the teacher because they chuckle at themselves and the class does not react at all. Because of the whole diffusion thing, I actually react because I know nobody else will. The same thing applies when the teacher asks the class a question and expects for them to answer, and nobody does. So, decidedly, I’m the loudest person in my classes.

I placed you on a windowsill

… “Now I shadow my former self, once holy, now lonely. A chest full of holes, red wax, it paints me unclear when the big hand strikes twelve, I disappear.”

Mmph. I suck.

Today, we are supposed to clean. Again. This is stupid, because I’m the only one who makes the effort. This isn’t a plea for attention or sympathy, but really, I cleaned my room twice- do you think I stopped there?

Ugh. I’m so tired of my ability to analyze things. It is truly exhausting. But then again; if the mind is not concrete, and there is no kinetic energy at stake, wouldn’t that mean that being psychologically tired is an impossibility? What does it mean to be too tired to think? You have nothing at stake. There’s a reason why the Greeks invented thought experiments- it’s because you don’t lose anything. I wonder what happens to the brain, while being psychologically exhausted. Hmmm.

I bought two psychology textbooks yesterday, as well as a new sociology textbook. Ooh! I have so many f***ing textbooks right now, it’s quite ironic.

Last night, I watched Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, after I persuaded my mother into renting it. She told me that if I wanted to waste my life, I may as well get it over with. Hmm. There was a song all about sperm. That was interesting. Oh, and there was a entire skit about sex. Yeah. I was surprised how perverted it was, but hey, I thought it was funny.

Amanda rant on the Disney corporation and elitism:

… And before I watched the movie, I was downstairs on the computer and suddenly, the television started screaming at me. And it was some Disney channel thing, but whatever. I hate the whole Disney corporation because of how stereotypical they can be! You’d be amazed of how they portray females on their shows; as well as minorities; they even include religious undertones within their animated films. That really depresses me. Children watch these shows and define that as “normal.” The Disney corporation is also incredibly elitist, but I guess I’ll write about that again sometime later.

So, onwards to the elaboration, in the form of a list. Because lists are awesome.

• Women are objectified routinely throughout Disney’s films, as submissive home-makers and in need of a man to keep themselves in line. Their programming is almost as bad- the stereotype of women being absolutely stupid is reinforced constantly.
• Arabian women are constantly objectified sexually throughout the media, no joke- Disney does the same. Cue, Jasmine from Aladdin.
• And, of course, black people are “naturally religious.”
• Women are constantly in need of a man to save them from the situation they are put in. They are, time and time again, hanging onto their lives and they have nothing else to do but wait for a man to come and save them.
• Their films also reinforce the importance of being physically attractive. A few great example of this is… Sleeping Beauty, perhaps? Cinderella?
• More importantly, their films associate beauty with morality and goodness. All of the villains in their movies are generally ugly, while the hero is generally good looking.
• Their films are also extremely ignorant of other races besides Caucasians. Every other race is portrayed as living in a poor little village in the third world; while the Caucasians are portrayed as rich and extravagant.

Yah. If you want to read up on the controversy surrounding Aladdin, I recommend going here.

Amanda rant on America’s debt crisis:

   I rented this movie on America’s debt crisis. It was really interesting. I was sewing so I wasn’t paying the most attention, but the part that interested me most was that banks make the most money off of the people who are least likely to pay them back. On average, for every dollar you owe, they earn two dollars in interest. In fact, most of the money banks earn is from interest.Oh, even more interesting- banks keep a list of influential people who go to their bank (like congressmen, even actors, etc.) and pay even more attention to them and make sure they do not make mistakes. They do this because they know that if they mess something up on their account, they would say something about it- and their word matters more than the other people.

Psh. I have been so boring lately. Read my archives if you’re just not into the things I’ve been writing about lately.

Rather live my life in regret than do this

… “ What happened to the love we both knew? We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me, you burn me you’ll burn me. Lie better next time, stay on my side tonight.”

Geez. I really want Jimmy Eat World to get around to selling their record! It’s recorded and everything and yet they cannot decide in a release date, it seems. They were saying last December that it was going to come out soon.

Amanda rant on humans’ desire for self-preservation:

So. Have humans given it up? Global warming is a threat to the human population as we know it, and there are some people who are trying to prevent it from progressing further than it has, and yet there is a larger group of people who are hardly making any changes. If humans truly desired their species to thrive, then people would be trying even harder.

We are well aware of the consequences of nuclear weapons, and yet we still test them out and “make them better”. We choose not to sustain nuclear weapons, despite the threat of human extinction as a result of using them.

Water is a resource we cannot live without, and yet we do not use it sparingly. It is expected that by 2025, there will be water shortages in every country. Seventy percent of all fresh water is used for irrigation. Can you imagine? Seventy percent!! Twenty percent is used by industry, and the remaining ten percent is made up of residential purposes! We are exploiting the resource we need to survive. Does this show how much we care about preserving ourselves?

I think this is partly due to the surplus population of humans, and of the idea that either the possibility of the human race going extinct improbable because of the amount of people; or this may just be a great example of the diffusion of responsibility theory. The diffusion of responsibility theory states that you feel less personally responsible when other people are witnessing the same emergency.

I think this is due to the common misconception of the afterlife (yeah, you should’ve seen it coming!!) and of souls being eternal. What is the point of caring about the extinction of mankind if their souls live on forever, eh?

A dollar under water keeps on dreaming for me.

… “ This time it’s on my own, minutes from somewhere else.
Somewhere, I made a wish with Lucky Denver Mint!”

Bowling alley french fries suck.

Finally, they came out with the study about the music preferences and activity within the brain. I’m not that enthused because I have been wanting that study about preferences and personality, but I suppose this will have to suffice. I’ve been waiting forever for this, yet I am not reading it. Weird. And even after this realization, I feel motivation because I am writing right now.

We went to St. Vinnie’s after school today to find Super Nintendo games. There were none. But I was not disappointed since I bought this book I have been eyeing for a couple of weeks now (Body-Mind and Creativity… It’s a really old book; it was published in 1954. Okay, not that old, but still.) and a textbook on anthropology AND a book on the brain! Oh, the excitement!

Ah, school is ending! It is all I have managed to think about (among other things) and I’m pretty sure it is what everybody else is thinking about, too.

I was watching this thing on television and the stupid narrator kept using the adjective, “catastrophic”. I screamed at the television, “STOP USING THAT WORD!” and my mother asked me what I was talking about. And then she told me that yelling at the tv “really helps”. I then proceeded to pout.

Yesssss. It’s a crossword puzzle first filled out by a scientist, and then a creationist. F*** yeah.

Hehe.

AND I PRESENT TO YOU, COOL PICZ. (And no, not Amanda picz. Hopefully, if my HTML is right, you can click the image to see the original. If you have the time, I highly recommend seeing the pictures on this dude’s blog, because they are nothing short of any cliche phrase.)

Uh, yeah. With that wonderful segue, I have to tell you- I love travelling. If only I had the means. I would love to actually experience “life”. Because I get the feeling that staying here is not really experiencing it. My parents would never allow me, and that thought depresses me.

And you don’t like being here in the future

… “So you say the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past.”

Today was pretty terrible. Actually, it was okay, but all the bad parts seem to catch up to me right as I come home. My narrative sucks. But I’m not sure if I really believe that. I think I’m just adding to the list to make myself feel slightly better, paradoxically.

I’ve started up a blogspot account, and I may be using that instead. I just need to find a way to upload all of my entries (who knows, maybe I can find a way to add my old, old, Xanga entries. I’ve had that blog since sixth grade, I believe.) to it, because I am not going to copy and paste for three hours. I have almost four hundred posts here. I’m not going to waste my life.

Anthony is finally getting around to read my arguments. But he’s also picking fights now! O.o Before math today, he challenged me. I was caught completely off guard, therefore, I sounded like an idiot. The more I thought about it, the more I think I should have told him, “This is not the time or place to deal with things like this.” But then again- I’ve done the exact same thing, just not as formally as he did! Ugh. So, uh, I should take the blame here. But the thing that really got to me was that some dude started talking to us about it. I don’t even know that dude.

But, I’m PMSing, so I’m not in the best mood. I’m pretty darned bi-polar when I’m ending the cycle. Just because I feel absolutely terrible, I’ll give you a quick list, describing how great today was:

1. I was running late again, and forgot my lunch.

2. I’m on my period.

3. I will soon present a powerpoint in digitools.

4. I’m on my period.

5. I’m really stressed out about school ending. I feel like there is so much I have to do! I don’t know when AR ends (and if I don’t get my points, I will have to do normal PE next year. But then again, this is my fault, too)

6. The freshman dance is coming up and even though I could care less about the dance, I’m afraid I may miss out on something if I don’t go. I have to confirm plans before my father leaves.

7. I let Debbie borrow something in like March, I think, and I need to get it back before school ends.

8. I have decided I need to trim my hair.

9. I need to decide how my dress is going to look for freshman. I can make the dress in a full afternoon, but I am still planning.

10. I am very tired of stupid people. And because of my slight bi-polar-ness, it gets to me even more.

BUT ANYWAYS! Yay! Apparently, atheism is becoming more mainstream. YES! No more stupidity! … Sadly, it will be a very long time until something DOES change. And you know what else made me happy?

#1 Wave their hands in front of my face making it impossible to see the stage. (Will you put your hands down? I get it. They’re singing a song. I’m happy, too. Use your mouths, people. Jesus doesn’t love you any more because your hands are in the air.)

#2 Yell out random words (”Praise Jesus, Hallelujah!”) while I”m trying to listen to the sermon. (You agree with the pastor. We understand this. But just say it in your head or nod silently.)

#3 Walk in after the music- or worse yet, the sermon has started. (If it’s not that important for you to be on time, just stop showing up.)

#4 Look at me with anxiety because I’m brown.

#5 Look at me with excitement because I’m not white.

#6 Assume that because I know about the Bible, I must believe in the Bible. (It’s the opposite that’s true.)

#7 Perform a skit that is supposed to tell the day’s message. (They’re not funny. And frankly, the kids are bad actors. Let’s get to the sermon already.)

#8 Tell me I’m on the “right path” by being there. (I was doing just fine a couple hours ago, thank you very much.)

#9 Pass out Christian business directories. (It’s like saying the Christian lawyer is trustworthy, but the Jew lawyer will take your money and the atheist lawyer will try to lose your case on purpose, and don’t even get me started on those brown lawyers… these directories aren’t helping me understand “Christian love.”)

#10 Ask me if they can pray for me. (If you want to, just go ahead and do it.)

#11 Ask me if they can pray for me, then put their hands on my shoulders and begin praying. (Stop touching me.)

#12 Mischaracterize people of other faiths or no faiths. (”Those atheists know God is there; they just don’t want to follow His rules!” “Those Muslims really want to become Christians’ to the MissionaryMobile!”)

#13 Assume that everyone who is not Christian must be “saved.” (I’m quite alright. And stop putting your hands on my shoulder.)

#14 Bring their children, then proceed to fall asleep during the sermon. (If you don’t want to be there, don’t drag your kids with you.)

#15 Say that those of other Christian denominations aren’t practicing “true” Christianity. (They believe in Christ, but they speak in tongues! The heretical bastards!)

#16 Look at their watches mid-sermon. (You know this pastor goes long. If you weren’t prepared to sit through it all, you shouldn’t have come.)

#17 Pray for things they can just as easily take care of themselves. (You want that promotion? Then work harder. You want to pass that test tomorrow? Then go study.)

#18 Pastors tell stories without giving citations. (There’s this true story of a guy who [insert random Bible-based act here] If it’s true, give me some actual facts.)

#19 Pastors ask questions with obvious answers. (Who here believes the Lord is going to save them today?! I think the people in church are going to say “yes.” Call it a hunch.)

#20 Pastors take an hour to analyze a simple, straight-forward Biblical verse. (The verse told me to trust in God. I get it. Let’s move on.)

Okay, miscellaneous links: Anything that involves Richard Dawkins makes my day. Richard Dawkins, have my babies?

Also awesome? God’s Digital Home. AKA God Alrighty.

Little Drawings. Matt Rawlings is one awesome dude.

That one band I saw live with Riza on Angela’s birthday, Left At the Castle.

Sorry for all the myspace links. Myspace’s layout just creeps me out. Do names really influence a person’s future? Yeah. I’m a psychology nerd.

If you want to persuade a woman…Look her in the eye. (An article talking about your influence on a person via eye gaze.

Yes, you saw it coming. BBC’s documentary on the effect of anti-sleep medications on health and society.

Memory’s affect on hunger. Yeah! Am I interesting now? =D

Okay, besides that… There is not much else to discuss. The content of my ideas lately are just atheism. Depressing, I know.

And I stayed awake

… “For a day or two, I thought about the world.. There are some things that I’ll never understand, why a country needs a god, and a woman needs a man. And you never write me letters. And you never sent my sweaters, so I could stay warm when I was without you. Without you, I don’t sleep, I just dream.”

And you know what I found on the internet the other day? Yes. EMPIRE SQUARE RETURNS!

You have no idea how depressed I have been lately, just because my access to said show has been limited. Oh, and I’m hosting a sleepover on Wednesday. I’m not quite sure how being a hostess would affect my sociability, but it’ll be fun. We can watch The Soup and a good time will be had by all. And I manufactured lemon bars yesterday. I thought they weren’t that great, but mom and Andy loved them so I guess the recipe is one that I’ll use for a while.. ?

I downloaded some live NOY b-sides a few nights ago, as well as some SoCo live b-sides. Rad.

Uh. I’m trying to find some books that induce a mind____. Despite the vulgarity of the statement (really, if I could find another way to state it, I would.) it means a book that completely blows your mind, or one that gives you insight to more profound thoughts. And of course- none of the books on the godforsaken AR book list include a book like that. AR can die. I cannot enjoy reading if the only books that the AR list provides are books that include heartwarming tales about puppies dying, or little girls trying to “find themselves”. Uh, no.

And there are books on Atheism at the KRL that I am looking forward to receiving (The God Delusion/another book talking about how science proves that there is no god) but of course- I am number forty six on the holds list. Thanks.

I’m tired of YouTube. Sure- I’ve only had one major YouTube phase (which was when I was looking up live videos of bands, lol), but it’s really annoying me now. Everywhere I go, “OMGZ! You have to see this video on Youtube, it’s soooo funny!”. Uh, it’s all right. I’m not going to get brain fever if I refuse to waste twenty seconds of my life, seeing a guy jumping off a building. I’m also tired of myspace. I have been. It’s depressing how there is a connection between YouTube and Myspace. I woke up at eleven this morning. So I’ve been awake for three hours, thinking that it’s like noon, but no. It’s two in the afternoon. This sucks.

I was reading the other day about a man who attempted to commit suicide because he was in a loving relationship. It turns out that the man hated intimacy so much, that he tried to committ suicide because of it. I found that so fascinating, that I’ll even add the whole thing on here.

Tell all the english boys you meet..

… “After this one, I am done, and I’ll wonder why you’re gone… It’s eight forty five, the weather’s getting better by the hour, I hope it rains there all the time.”

So today I accomplished the following tasks:

- Made the most delicious lemon pudding cake ever

- Reheated the fettuccine alfredo sauce I made last night, which was just as good

- Thoroughly cleaned my room/kitchen

- Uh.

But yeah. I’m really tired right now. I finally received my Art in America magazine (which I got for free. The whole subscription thing is free. Awesome.) in the mail. There was this one painting/photograph that absolutely blew me away- it was a camera obscura of a museum or something.. Although I do not remember it in full detail, it was so.. I can’t even find the right adjective that would not sound short of cliche.

And when a part of your brain is active, it uses up oxygen in that area, and then after there is a huge rush of blood to that spot. Quite interesting, actually, and that is how the MRI works, because of the magnetic properties of blood.

And forty percent of young adults consider themselves “shy”, and that number is rising one percent per year. Psychologists believe that less person-to-person interaction and the impatience of the usual slow pace of building relationships, are to blame.

Gah! I can’t get enough of this stuff! Me = Psychology Nerd. *weeps*

“… And all my friends, they break and they bend, they take shape and they tend to get better with time, and I say “Who am I to work so much less? You get more, you all deserve what I am walking towards if you want, you should move away” This has become a weakness- the golden state wins again. Perhaps its time I settle, I say “It’s blue at least that’s a plus”, plus I miss you so much.”

Uh. People are starting to talk about Easter. When is that, again? And can you believe, that I wrote an essay in like fifth grade, talking about how people should appreciate Easter more as a religious holiday than one that you are presented with candy? Psh. Never would’ve thought that I’d turn into an unholy, *gasp* non-religious being later on in life.

… The music scene around here sucks.

Oh, watched 24 last night, finally. Uh. I’ve started to zone out. But then I zoned in when,

OMGZ! MS. AUDREY RAINES IS DEAD!

(while trying to get Jack out of the Chinese prison.. That sucks on so many levels! haha, dude, haha. Don’t mess with the ninjas! /political incorrect) Oh, no, Mr. Cassar, you can’t trick me here. They are elaborating way too much- she is not dead. She is not. Because (here come the examples):

1. When Edgar died last season, Chloe even cried, and they didn’t bring him up again.

2. When Tony died, they did not bring him up again. Not even once.

3. The only people that they have ever truly elaborated on after their death, was Jack’s wife back in season one, and David Palmer.

4. Uh. Kim Raver signed up as a special guest for season six.

*pwn’d.* And, if I’m wrong (which, I surely am not!).. This never happened. But, to affirm my confidence, I will write my thought out in huge capital letters.

AUDREY RAINES IS NOT DEAD!

ha. Major crime solving skills, yes. But I now have to reason Tony’s death. Because I have a slight obsession in that arena.

Milo: Chloe, I need you to do something for me.

Chloe: No.

Milo: I need you to check Morris’ breath for me, please.

Chloe: Okay, fine.

*Chloe goes up to Morris and gives him a kiss*

Morris: What was that about?

Chloe: Oh, just checking your breath.

/Major Chloe-love.

Life is sexually transmitted

… “So please take me far away before I melt into the ground, and all my words get used against me… Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on, isn’t there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on.”

That has been stuck in my head all day long. And “Make You Smile”. They’re both really great, though.

WASL’d. Uh. Extraordinarily stupid. I had no motivation to do it so my answers really sucked. Just watch, Amanda’s going to graduate when she is thirty.

After I finished testing I was walking down the hallway to first period [we had like five minutes left] and Logan was at his locker. I went over to talk to him. Uh. The smart, amazing, sarcastic Amanda -> shy, nervous, trying-really-hard-to-impress, non-conversational Amanda. Thanks you so much, dear adolescent self-consciousness. I hardly even remember what I said, which is probably a good thing.

… But the scene was absolutely perfect. The mental image is by far, one of my favorites. It’s far too shallow for people to understand XD

Allie and I were walking to class with Logan to spanish as well. The smart and witty Amanda managed to fudge two sentences into the conversation. What does this remind me of?

Aev92 [9:37 PM]: Ugh.. There’s this dude at school that I’ve known ever since seventh grade, right

carminajo i [9:37 PM]: yeah

Aev92 [9:38 PM]: I’ve always admired him, but I never thought I’d really like him, but the other day he was walking by me in the lab and I found myself really wanting him to come by me. It was really weird! So out of nowhere I thought to myself, “well, now I know the extent of my crush on Logan [the dude I've known since seventh grade]“.. It really sucks, though, because I know that I would never act on my feelings, and that led me to start thinking even more about how he would never know how much I adore him

Aev92 [9:39 PM]: We hang out with different people, so it wouldn’t work, you know?
carminajo i [9:39 PM]: noo it can
Aev92 [9:39 PM]: It’s like
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: To him, I’m probably just an acquaintance and not an actual friend, so this whole crush on him would come out of nowhere
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: But then again, we’ve known each other for so long, and this year [we used to have alot of classes together, but this year we only have two], he told me that he missed having me around
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: He told me that in person, too, which made me feel really special xD
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: lol
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: awww
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: lol
Aev92 [9:43 PM]: he’s such a nice boy, everybody loves him to death. He makes me laugh everytime I see him, he’s such a great guy. He’s very classy and has actual standards. And he dresses nicely, too! He’s actually pretty cute. He’s very smart and he’s into politics, which is pretty cool, I guess. We have the most interesting conversations when we get the chance to talk
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: LOL!!!
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: that’s cool
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: i bet a lot of girls like him then?
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: Actually, not so much. As long as I’ve known him, I haven’t heard that many girls liking him
carminajo i [9:44 PM]: oh…
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: I mean, it’s like- everybody loves him, but the whole concept of him having a girlfriend would be so odd. Aev92 [9:45 PM]: I haven’t told that many people about this crush on him because of that
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: ohhh
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: chemistry is not always a good thing carminajo i [9:46 PM]: what sucks is i’m discovering that it’s not necessarily an indicator of a true connection
Aev92 [9:47 PM]: Ugh, I feel like crying when I see him now, it’s so weird. I’ve never felt like that before- he’s so unattainable, but I can’t not like him for that, because he’s such a great guy to be around
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: yeah, I know really
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: awwwww
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: damn i know how you feel
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: xD
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: and when hyou see them
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: it’s like you want them to come to you carminajo i [9:49 PM]: or you just stare at eachother
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: yeah
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say to him carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i was like “where at” and he said “tahoe/reno”
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: that’s where they’re tgoing snowboarding
Aev92 [7:13 PM]: XD
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: now it’s like a dead conversation carminajo i [7:13 PM]: hahahahahha
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i suck

I also love lj-cut. Because I can reduce the entry size dramatically, which leaves you with *somewhat* less scrolling.

Oh, and did I mention that I now have an illness? Yes, I have a cold. Uh. It really sucks. And everyone around here is getting it. At least, if I’m sick enough, I’ll be able to stay home tomorrow. Uh.

One- sleeping meds are not working. I’m so tired of the world. I’m so tired of love. And couples. And touching. And exclusion. And inclusion. And drama. And supposed psychological maturation. And gifts. And love. And infatuation. And limerence. And invisibility. And visibility. And speechlessness. And hopelessness. And stupidity. And typicality. And hope. And dreaming. And losing sleep. And stress. And loneliness. And doubt. And confidence.

If happiness is created by the self, then why can’t I create it for myself? I mean- my life is perfect right now. But all I can think about is ______. My life is perfect and I can’t even realize it because of that. It’s so exhausting. And absorbing. It’s amazing how much ignorance can hurt. And it’s the same. It will probably never change. And I don’t know what effect these words are having. Are they making the situation better or worse for me?

He’ll never love me. There you go.

And no, I’m not writing this hoping for sympathy. You know me better than that. Despite the claims, I still believe these words will be left unread. I’m not expecting these words to be understood by anyone else besides me. Merely putting these words out of my mind makes me feel better, I guess. It’s better than having them jumble around, hoping these qualifying poetic puzzles will be remembered.

Did you know that out of the 11,000,000 bits of information that we recieve per second, only forty of those are actually processed? Amazing, yes. It doesn’t make me a psychology nerd if I checked out a textbook on psychology to read recreationally, right?

This article has really got me thinking.

But I still cannot find an answer.. Why do people define other people according to their musical preferences? Even though I am extremely musically inclined, I cannot fathom the answer. I’m truly stumped.

O.o I realize how typical I am. But isn’t typicality hard to escape? People take out whatever they put in. So if I try to see myself as such, I’d probably find some arguments (whether it is weak or not) that support that idea. I just talk about the same things all the time, it seems. Boys. Hopelessness. My current mental state. School. Shopping. And my views of other people. But is that something that I should be thinking about? If I were to broaden my horizons, what should I be thinking about instead?

I’m..

… “I’m jealous of you moon, tonight you get to see her, alone beneath the stars and everything I fear, all my strength was tranquilized and everyday I get weaker, but stronger when I think of how we never sat silent, it was a big mistake to let me have my way in the first place, it was a big mistake to let me I memorize your face.”

I’m such a wreck, and it’s really starting to show. The math test went okay, to some degree. The science test on the other hand, went terribly. There is no way that I could possibly pull an A here. My essay ended up pretty terrible as well. Whatever.

We might go to Portland tomorrow again, after McChord.

I might actually have an actual conversation with the aesthetically pleasing dude. Anthony is taking care of it. I’m not sure how, or if he will work it out, but Anthony and I are on relatively good terms, so one would think that will motivate him to work at it. Anthony and I are talking via internet, which is pretty impersonal, but considering the fact that I do not have lunch with him anymore. I guess this is what some people call ‘progress’. I deserve something good to happen to me, here. I am so tired of other people.

Here are my complaints:

1. Stop being so moronic, and believing that I really care about your SO.

2. Religion is not something that needs to be advertised. Stop talking about god and church, and I will resist the urge to hit you over the head with a stapler.

3. Stop being so gosh-darned romantic. And touchy feely.

4. Stop saying stupid things and expecting me to laugh along.

5. Stop being stupid.

6. When I’m talking, actually follow the conversation.

Have you realized how much time we spend trying to make other people laugh? It turns out, that when people laugh, endorphins are released so essentially, you can get high off of other people’s happiness.

Uh.. I need to buy more Berrocco Ultra Alpaca Yarn. It is so luxurious- I can’t stand it. It begs me to knit it into a sweater.

If you go about things mathematically, then you should expect a miracle to happen every thirty days. I read about it somewhere, but they were saying that miracle is supposedly “one in a million”, right? So, you do approximately one thing per second, and a million seconds equal thirty days. Isn’t that so cool? XD

You little creep…

…”That’s what she said, these quotes from your mother get better everyday.. Jamie spent her christmas at the airport, she said airports made her feel like she could get away.. I wish I had an airport someday. Somedays are just so hard. And we hung like space stations and rocket ships, and dreamed like we were beings of the sky… We’re never going to die.”

There’s this show that I’ve started to watch called Discovering Psychology. Yes, it is a PBS show. And it’s really old. But it is interesting.

I saw one episode before I got to school today about how people’s ability to make decisions can change dramatically according to the situation. These psychologists did a study, where they brought people in to “help people learn to maintain a better memory”. The “instructor” and the “learner” were in two different rooms, and the “instructor” would ask the “learner” questions, and if the “learner” got the question wrong, the “instructor” was told to give them an electric shock, and to increase the severity each time the “learner” got the question wrong. The “instructor” even heard the learner’s reaction from the other room. The psychologists expected most of the people to stop the experiment, and that one in a thousand [the sadists, they said.] would give them the highest shock [which is lethal], and that one in ten of the people would give the learner over 150 volts. [my eyes went reeaallly wide at this part]

Nearly two thirds of the people who were tested gave the “learner” a fatal shock, and none of the people in the experiment quit or went to help the “learner” without asking the experimenter. Isn’t that so incredibly spectacular?

“… And I don’t care if you don’t love me, and I don’t care if you don’t change, and I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you if it meant that you would stay.”

I’ve taken to writing. All the time in class. I say that I’m writing down song lyrics, and a quarter of the time I am. The remaining three quarters, I am actually writing things on my own. It’s amazing the things you can come up with if you try. I’ve filled up three pieces of paper, writing extremely tiny, front and back with writing. I have gotten attention from doing this, but I don’t care.

We’re going to Portland on Sunday. To go to Sonic. We are driving three hours to go to a fast food restaurant. Apparently it is a part of my father’s childhood.

I feel very far apart from my friends lately. Sure, I’ve been more touchy-feely lately, in the sense that I’m giving out more hugs and recieving them. But I haven’t been able to talk to my friends that much anymore. We should plan something. But whenever we do, something goes wrong or it stays in the planning stage.

Andy’s friend is sleeping over tonight. I hate it when my brother has friends around- he turns into the hugest jerk in the world. People are still talking about Valentine’s Day. It’s not the fourteenth anymore.

Shelley has this new boyfriend. And I’m happy for her- she’s liked him for a while now, and she’s been wanting a boyfriend. But she totally blows me off. And everyone else. Not to mention that they kiss and touch each other all the time at school. I know we’re getting older, but I don’t find that attractive. I don’t know if they think that everyone envies them or something, but it really turns me off.

My grades weren’t as bad as I anticipated. I got all As and a C. Give me a second here to let you comprehend the situation. I got Bs on my tests in math and a couple of As and they did nothing to my grade. I understand that I did badly here and there this quarter- but the good grades I had should have made my grade go up not down excuse me, as I punch a wall. I am so frustrated and angry, my synesthesia is allowing me to actually project blueish green circles. You know how my synesthesia is- I don’t usually project. Now you know how pissed off I am.

Another thing- I kicked the bathroom door this afternoon. Out of frustration. Is that a red flag that something is wrong? I am never usually this angry about anything that I have the impulse to physically hurt something.

Oh, and here’s the rub: I forgot my calculator today, and we had a math quiz. So you can only imagine my dismay when she informed us that half of the quiz consisted of calculators you need your calculator for. Thankfully, Laurie saved me and finished her test early, so she let me borrow it for the duration of the testing period. And you’re going to love this- I had five minutes left to finish it. She scolded the class for the people taking too long. Little did she know- I did most of the test paper and pencil. No calculator or anything. And for more emphasis- I left the calculator at home because I was studying for the quiz. Thanks.

I want to see Requiem For A Dream. I’ve been hearing really good things about that movie. I also want to see Fresh Horses. Because it has Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald in it, once more.

Top Ten Songs for the Slightly Unstable Amanda:

1. No, It Isn’t- Plus 44

2. Airports - Something Corporate

3. Seventy Times Seven- Brand New

4. Letters To God- Boxcar Racer

5. Lover I Don’t Have To Love- Bright Eyes

6. Live From The Crime Scene - Four Year Strong

7. Sweetness- Jimmy Eat World

8. Together, We’ll Ring In The New Year- Motion City Soundtrack

9. Why Am I Always Right? - Nightmare Of You

10. Heart Transplant- Punchline

“You’re the echoes of my everything, you’re the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You’re the laziness in the afternoon, you’re the reason why I burst and why I bloom.”

Dear you:

Those four words you said are the only things that matter to me lately. I hate you for making me feel this rejection before I have decided to tell them. I love you for making me feel happy. I hate the typicality of the situation. I hate how you’ve heard this before. We are in limerence.

I was taken by your permanent high

… “Never needed a guillotine to get you off my mind, you were swept up in the buzz of a marriage, I was sercretly hoping one of us would die… You’re just like your dad, surprise, you don’t only share his eyes, it’s the drink that’s in your hand that has a knack for telling terrible lies.”

I nearly fell asleep in math and science today. The saddest thing is- I wasn’t terribly bored. Ms. Quick and Samson realized this, they were looking at me a little funky.

We started watching the nineteen ninety six version of Romeo and Juliet. As cliche as it is- I nearly melted when I saw Romeo. And- I absolutely love anything that has to do with Claire Danes, so that makes the movie. I was all dewy-eyed when they found out that they were enemies- I can only imagine how it’ll be when they die at the end.*le sigh*

Food Science was not terrible- Cody, Anabel, and Spencer are in my cooking group thing- so we’ll have fun. Apparently Riza has shared some glowing reviews of me to Cody; he was complimenting me the whole time about how great I supposedly am at cooking. He actually told me this:

“Riza tells me everything.”

I thought that I was the last person that anybody would ever bring up in a conversation- so it was a weird realization. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but it’s a bit O.o

DigiTools was awesome. We have complete free time. And when I get back from lunch, I get to see the aesthetically pleasing dude at his locker. The best part is- he’s seeing me, too. *blush* I realized yesterday that we’re not as far apart as I thought we were- we’ve had confrontations of sorts before. He’s around. I’m trying hard to not try too hard. But yeah- the dopamines in my brain work overtime when he’s not around.

I am actually in a pretty spectacular mood in science for one reason or another. I’m laughing and smiling and floating on air. But it goes away somewhat quickly [after about half an hour], but it’s awesome.

Top ten songs for the more-than slightly infatuated Amanda: 1. I Put The ‘Metro’ in Metronome- CIWWAF

2. Miss America- SoCo

3. Magazines- Brand New

4. Sweet Talk 101- CIWWAF

5. Stay Where I Can See You- The Starting Line

6. Carousel- Blink 182

7. Go Long Dad- Four Year Strong

8. She Does- The Twenty Twos [I got their demo for free at the battle of the bands thing I went to with Riza. I got two other demos, but I have one more to look at. But yeah- this song has been stuck in my head all day long. "... And every little thing she does."

9. The B-List- The Starting Line [Who cannot resist: "She walks the red carpet, in my eyes"?!]

10. The Days Go By Oh So Slow- Nightmare Of You

Yup. Pop punk is the bestest thing to listen to when you’re slightly infatuated, and your brain is producing oxytocin like crazy. Amazingly, I have been feeling so romantic lately. And no- Valentines Day is not on my mind. Seriously- holidays never affect my moods. It’s so weird that I’ve been feeling this way- I’m not that romantically inclined. But because of this- I have been so impulsive, so I’m starting to digress from my usual [dare I say it] “tactic” when it comes to this. It is somewhat foolproof, I suppose, because it works without me even intending it to.

I’ve been listening to blink alot lately. I haven’t listened to them in months- and it makes me feel so remniscent/nostalgic. Oh, god- I got my first blink CD in sixth grade. I listened to it the whole summer, and my father was gone. I had never listened to music with profanity in it before, so it was something new. Despite that- I loved that CD. I listened to it for three summers in a row. I was very scene back then, but I’ve matured into a more educated music person [for lack of a better word]. When dad got home he burned me a CD with all of blink’s songs on them. So I listened to that for a long time. The first day I got it, we went to a zoo somewhere in eastern washington with my aunt. I listened to it the whole way there, and I was surprised how much I liked this band. I know all of their songs by heart. Over a hundred songs, that I know by heart. I listened to this band when I was all sad about breaking up with Ryan. Surprisingly, this is one of the last ties that I have to Ryan [which is not something I am particularly proud of] so I guess it is something that we have this weird connection to. Ehh.

I should totally send a card like this:

Outside: I chose you out of a hundred

Inside: I’m talking to the card.

Heh. I don’t know. I’m so exhausted, yet I keep writing. I’m looking away and covering my eyes. I’m sitting and hoping you will turn away. I feel naked, with your eyes staring at me. It is amazing how people can just tell if someone else is looking at them. most of the time. I am so conscious of this, and despite the flattering action- you are making me feel so insecure. I’m cold and I feel locked inside this position. I can’t move my eyes or lick my lips, I am so anxious. My crossed arms are no guard against you. I can feel your eyes through my hair that is barely covering you up. I lower my eyes. I can’t help it. I look at the clock the whole time. I need a distraction. I’m tired of trying to look perfect just for you. I am trying so hard to not be awkward. Yup- not that poetic. It’s the worst feeling in the world to feel so locked into primality.

… “Be strong when things fall apart, honest this breaks my heart- it’s so hard.”

I was reading about how evolution plays a huge role in modern day mating rituals. It turns out that flirting is built into our brains, it’s incredibly natural. We are given this ability to “test the waters” to see who would be a compatible mate without doing anything drastic. It turns out- that when people are courting, flirting is this constant cycle of batting your eyelashes, lowering your eyes, etc. These people videotaped two people courting, and there was this cycle that was going on, and they didn’t even notice that this was occurring. Don’t blame me- blame psychology today. And no, it was not from the most recent issue.

Oh, god- okay, so today in math, my teacher went to sharpen her pencil in the middle of class. And out of nowhere, I thought to myself “I sharpened my pencil yesterday *sees sharpened pencil come out of pencil sharpener from yesterday*. It was awesome.” and then I thought immediately after, “Oh, god, I cannot believe I just thought that.” And then I could not stop thinking about the whole thing for the next twenty minutes. Everytime I thought of it, it got funnier and funnier. Pathetic, I know. And then, I thought “Well, it WAS awesome.” And then I started to snicker. I laughed in my head and I thought, “I really need to get a life.” And I started to giggle. I bet I looked like the hugest bozo in the world to everyone else, but really- it was so funny.

I was reading people’s criticism toward solipsism. And I read something that really caught my attention, which was something like this: ” A realist believes in the universe, which provides spontaneity to their lives. A solipsist believes in their minds providing spontaneity to their lives. Both of these names are labelling the same idea- something that causes unpredictability within your life” .. Or something to that extent. But that was awesome to read. It’s late. I’m going to bed.

Oh- I remembered! Synesthesia! Let’s start off with something new, but simple. X [the variable] is hard, and very stubborn. Y [the variable] is soft and creamy. I love Ys. Imaginary numbers are innocent. They never seem to know what is going on- it’s a chameleon color. Sometimes it is a very nice shade of pink, or sometimes purple. Subtracting is cold, the left of it is black and white, but the right side of the sign is a blue color. I love completing the square because it makes me feel like I’m crumpling up a piece of paper [which is something that I hardly ever do.] I feel it up in my arms. And that feeling looks like a white strip with black squares going along it. When I do the absolute value thing, the best way I can describe it is when a door closes and the burst of air comes, but the only thing I feel is the burst of air. Gosh. I’m weird. I’ve always rejected my concept ->touch synesthesia- but I’m pretty darned sure that I have it now!

Let’s cause a scene

… “I share with complete strangers my most personal of pleasures. I scribble tidbits of useless mind info- trash, treasure. Spend hours, at my leisure, like sharpened precise tweezers.”

Frame By Frame by the Honorary Title is so beautiful. It is a relatively short song, but the music itself [without the lyrics] really dig deep. The music without the lyrics is so powerful, it has actually made me cry. It’s so pretty- it is black with these electric blue/dark purple dots that sparkle with the piano, and the chords go through it with [also] electric orange lines. It is very busy, but so emotional.

We went to McChord today, and I now have evidence that I have an expensive taste when it comes to clothes. At least when I let myself give in. I spent all of the money that I have on a sweater.

When it came down to it- “if I don’t let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?” I knew that the next time we head up there, it wouldn’t be around. I should indulge in such things every once in a while. I deserve it. I’ve been in such a slump lately, and even though I do not expect this sweater to bring me such happiness, at least I know that I did what I wanted to. And I definitely do not regret spending $44.44 on the sweater. It was discounted, after all *wink*

It’s a three day weekend. Which is something that is supposedly good, but I have nothing to do, and you know what that means. Yup- more time for me to think about anything. Which is not that healthy. I think I’m gradually bringing myself to insanity. I do not know if this is considered as my psyche simply maturing, or if I’m just going crazy, because quite honestly, I’m thinking about things that I have never thought about before. And these thoughts just depress me even more. I do not feel like myself, I feel like I am living outside of myself. I am thinking about the future and how I feel like I need to enrich my life with something. Make my life worth living. Embrace my youth. Have more fun. Regret nothing. Let myself go. Stop holding back. Be more sociable. Be more feminine. College. School. My age. Whether I am really special, or just really typical. My flaws, as well as my strengths. My ego. How I treat people. Why people love me so much. How much I love everyone else. Politics. I have even begun my list of things to do before I die. I’m at around forty, and that only took me a few minutes to write up.

I read a book last night about subliminal advertising. I was skeptical to read it, but it seemed pretty interesting. It ended up being one of the most interesting things I have read in a while.
Subliminal advertising started during the depression when funds were low and people were buying just the necessities. Obviously- companies needed more money, etc. The government hired a special group of people to ‘discover’ the psychology behind advertising and how to make people buy more of such products. They first started using subliminal advertising on television, by hiding an advertisement in the middle of a program for 1/300 of a second. An example of it in the book had four or five slides of a program, and the first and last were normal, but in the middle, the slides were alike but they had “Hungry? Eat Popcorn!” written on it. The dude who first thought of it reported a 57% increase in popcorn sales, but he admitted to lying about that later.

I’m reading The Broker by John Grisham for AR. AR is ending in about two weeks. Megan and I were planning on going to take some tests yesterday during lunch, but we didn’t get around to it. I was secretly hoping that we wouldn’t go because that dude from math finally came around to sit with us. But that’s for another post. Hopefully, we’ll go on Tuesday, but you never know. Laurie’ll be back then, so maybe all three of us will go, since Laurie goes to the library everyday at lunch- so we’ll be a little forced to go! XD

I’m hoping to make something over this weekend, in the sense of jewelry. Because I need to make a cool necklace. I’ve started to wear some more low-cut shirts [don't worry- no boobies popping out or anything, no cleavage, but it is still lower than the other shirts that I usually wear] and I feel so weird without something there. So hopefully, I’ll put some of those awesome charms I bought in the mail to use. I bought those charms forever ago, but I have not found a use for them. Maybe I will if I really try.

Maybe I’ll put those buttons to use that do not have partners. I have some really rad looking buttons, but I can’t use them on garments because they are just one kind of button.

Stay where I can see you

… “When you go away I get so low, like temperatures when they’re at their coldest.. I can name all fifty states, forty eight get in the way, from me being next to you.”

I love the starting line. I haven’t listened to them in forever- but the mere fact that they are recording right now makes me in the mood for them. I hope that their new record is somewhat comparable to Based On A True Story- because then, it will be a masterpiece.

Today’s been really topsy-turvy. We had a two hour delay once more, which was okay. I didn’t expect much last night to come out of the whole snow thing, but at least I got an extra half hour of sleep. I don’t know if I should be proud of that because everyone else got at least two hours more than I did.

We had an assembly today as well, so we had like fifteen minutes in each class. Which was a total waste of time. At least I caught up on my gossip, and filled my quota for small talk.

I should be thinking about college more than I have been. Actually- I’ve been looking at scholarships, but I have not even considered participating in them. So I do care, kind of.

I have lots of stuff going on Tuesday [Monday we have off..], and it stresses me out alot. I’ve decided not to expect much of this weekend, because all it does is make me feel terrible when I’m back in school and I realize that I have wasted away my two days. Never again- I’m not planning to get any school work done this weekend.. o.O

To whom it may concern:

I am smarter and better than you are. You do not ‘have’ to have a hundred and eighty days in a school year. If you expect every single student in your district to be there for a hundred eighty days, you are crazy; so, logically, having us miss a few days of school is not that big of a deal. OMGZ WE HAVE ONLY ATTENDED SCHOOL FOR A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN DAYS! We must lower the flag to half mass and declare the country to be in a state of emergency [level five!]
Also, having early release days are ridiculous. Think about it- if we didn’t have early release days, we’d be out of school at the beginning of june. Not the end of it. This also goes back to my original point of you deciding we need a hundred and eighty days in school. Another point I need to bring up is the time we have to be in school. Sure, we need to start our days ‘right’, but do you honestly think that giving five hundred children sleep problems is worth it?
Oh, and giving us textbooks. Do you honestly believe that giving us all scoliosis is going to make is any smarter? And if you think it does- at least give us textbooks that aren’t a hundred years old.
If you honestly believe in these points, then I officially grant myself permission to hit you over the head with my keyboard.
Love-
Your fellow CK freshman.

Needless to say- I’ve been PMS’ing [XD Let's make it into chatspeak! PMS'd.], so that makes me extremely sarcastic and simply in a bad mood! Of course, you, as a blog reader, need to know this, because I will probably write some pretty offensive stuff on here in the next couple of days. Enjoy it. Because everyone loves enjoying other people’s sorrow. Mostly.

And because of that- I’m listening to Brand New as well as The Starting Line. I need some hardcore-ness at times like these.

I want some soup. But we don’t have soup.

I’m banned from cooking in the kitchen. Yes. The irony can get no greater.. So I now have to secretly cook within my household. Because I am banned. From cooking.

*phone rings*
Me: AH! Who’s calling me?! Who is calling my house?!
*phone continues to ring, caller ID says that it is the school*
Me: Oh, forget it- they’ll leave a message.

My neighbor watches my house, like constantly. That fact should freak me out, but it doesn’t. *shrugs shoulders*

I have not managed to think of anything profound or meaningful to say, but I have not added a bit of angst here, so that makes it an accomplishment.

We had an assembly, and instead of sitting with my dear friends [who sit at the way freaking top of the bleachers!], I sat with Angela. Angela’s really cool- but it was a bit weird just because I am [unintentionally] curt with her, I have no idea why, I’ve known her just about as long as her sister, but I tend to be this way with her. She’s really witty and almost always knows what to say, she has one of the best personalities, really.

Megan has finally obtained the internet. I gave her my livejournal but I doubt that she’d come here and read it, because people usually have better things to do than read this blog. Heck, I have better things to do than writing this blog.

I talked to Logan today in history [here comes the angst!], and gosh, it was so weird. I found myself wanting him to sit and talk to me ["oh my god, please just notice me.."], and I’ve never really felt that way with him before. I have admired him for such a long time [pretty much as long as I have known him, actually, not that I am trying to add some kind of depth to the situation. Probably because Allie's talked about him so much because of their history together.], but I guess I have managed to develop some kind of weird crush on him. Nothing would ever come of it- and I would never act on it- but it really depresses me. And he’s just about the last person I would ever expect to be into.

I would hate to end an entry with something like that, so I’ll keep on writing and I hope that some kind of inspiration will come.

I borrowed about twenty books from the library the other day. You can only imagine how awkward it was for me to bring it back to the car, considering I was the only one who held the books and there was nobody around to open the door for me.

“I can tell that you don’t, I smell the sulfur so clear and fires of beautiful sound, and of the ways that you burn, turn to ashes, my dear, and ashes just fall to the ground- and said we’re only ashes.”

… And am I wasting my life thinking about such things? I feel like I am wasting my life but I do not know how to make it such that I am not. I am a solipsist- and I do not know what to do with myself anymore. This could be, and probably is, all made up. If I die, it would not matter how much energy I have put in my career, because this would have all died with me. And even if I do really try in the world [and if the world really exists]- how would I know if the world truly benefits from this; I would be dead. And because I do not believe in heaven or the afterlife- I would not “watch over” the world after I die to find out.

So, I’m an atheist and a solipsist. I do not believe in magic, or humans having any kind of ‘outside’ help. We’re pretty much on our own. Humans like to think that there are such things; because it makes them feel better about themselves and their lives, and it’s one more thing to blame besides ourselves. Quite bluntly, I would love for there to be some kind of divine force out there, but there’s not. I would be a happier person if I did believe in that stuff. But I don’t. And I’m not.