The fourth of July is among one of the most vain holidays celebrated around here. That isn’t to suggest that there isn’t one holiday around here that does not have a trace of vanity within it, but indeed, the fourth of July is a holiday that is among the most exploited. I hate the fourth of July. It is a waste of time.

I have a new pair of glasses. I cannot say that I appreciate them all too much at the moment, I hope it’s only because I need to get used to them. It feels like I’m wearing someone else’s glasses. I miss my old glasses, :3

I’ve been thinking of my aspirations toward evolutionary psychology and after much consideration, evolutionary psychology is absolutely the last field I want to study. I hadn’t thought of it all that much before, but what relevance does evolution have to what is now established as, evolutionary psychology? Yeah, absolutely nothing. Evolutionary psychology is a field that reeks of confabulation and hindsight bias. All of the claims evolutionary psychology makes can only be established after the fact. I mean, think of it: evolution and natural selection, cannot be applied to psychology without losing its meaning. Anyone who knows anything about evolution to begin with could come to terms with that. Evolution results from natural selection- mutations which do not benefit the organism die out; mutations which benefit an organism make the organism more likely to reproduce, and as that mutation spreads among a population, the population evolves. How could this be logically correlated with psychology?

Evolutionary psychology’s heuristic procedure is to pick out a behavior and use the evolution of humans in an attempt to explain the behavior. The problem with this logic is that evolution does not explain all behavior, and most behavior is societally influenced more so than biologically influenced. Although this is a problem within every field of psychology, it should definitely be brought up- free will exists, yeah. Furthermore, the notion that there isn’t a universal behavior pattern across cultures is altogether ignored.  It is also amusing of how evolutionary psychologists attempt to explain behaviors such as rape and sexism with such mitigating power, as if biology favors them. And, of course, we must not forget that their claims are not falsifiable, which almost instantly categorizes it as a pseudoscience. Most importantly, the time in which modern humans have existed is too short of a time for any sort of Darwinian evolution to occur.

This sucks, though, because I was completely ready to go into this field, but now that I realize it isn’t too credible, I have to figure out something else.

We do what we need to be free

And this leans on me, like a rootless tree.

Last night, I was flipping through the channels in my Tivo-less bedroom, and surprisingly!! The Tyra Banks Show was on. It was about prostitution or something pointless like that. And honestly, it’s the Tyra Banks Show on cable, it’s not like there’s going to be anything too deep or analytical about it. But the thing is, I hate this show. I genuinely hate it. Tyra Banks always find some way to be immature when discussing a serious subject, and I end up feeling offended. There was this lesbian erotic dancer, right, who once was at this party for bisexual women. And omgz, like, it’s girls. Like, with girls. And like, did they try to make you do anything, “extra”? Oh really that’s so interesting but like, I knew something weird was going on there, girlfriend, get yourself checked OUT!! skdjflskjdfklj

Yeah, there’s only so much I can take.

I have a field trip next week. I’m amused, how I’ve been on more field trips this year than ever before. :3

We have a paper to do. We have to choose a controversial topic that we do not have an opinion about, and basically, present it in an objective fashion. At least, that’s what I got out of his explanation. For some reason, my teacher just doesn’t like rubrics. But whatev. My problem is that I know too much about controversial things, so I have an opinion on just about everything. Except outsourcing, which I’m doing my paper on.

But Joyce asked me about censorship today and I don’t think I’ve ever written about it here before. So you guys are going to get told.

I am thoroughly against censorship of any kind. Books, movies, anything. Even things that offend people or a group of people should not be censored, because honestly, anything could offend anyone, and our current system of censorship is a feeble attempt to satisfy the few people that have the power to enforce such a system.

Clearly, the hugest problem I have with censorship is that it sacrifices artistic integrity. Who can say that they know better than the person who created the piece, and allow themselves to alter their work somehow? I can’t imagine doing that and living with myself. There’s a movie from the 1930s, that was censored so many times (they had to cut out the film) that there is no consensus as to how the original film was. Sad. That’s someone’s art, and people were too caught up in their idea of what is okay and what is not to think of the movie as a whole and appreciate it.

A little too much for friends, but not enough to share

I finished reading A Raisin in the Sun today. I felt pretty disappointed about the play, especially after hearing such flattering reviews about it. Perhaps I need to look into the meaning further, but as of right now, I am left very unaffected. It seemed too short, so I didn’t really grow with the book. There seems to be no plotline at all. I did love that Asagai dude, though. :3

The main character is this dude named Walter, who is married to Ruth. Walter’s mother lives with him, as well as his sister and his son, in a rented apartment in Chicago. The story begins with the family anticipating a check in the mail, which is an inheritance check to Walter’s mother as result of her husband’s death. The story centralizes around how the family deals with receiving this large sum of money, seeing as they are impoverished to begin with.

Walter is clearly the protagonist of the play, but his personality is so complex- I am unsure of how I feel about him. The play starts out with him arguing with his wife, which is what most of what the play is about- their relationship. Walter is always hung up on making money- he always discusses his plans to start up his own business. He finds the inheritance check as a way to propel his career, and once he convinces his mother to give him the money, he eventually loses it all because he gets scammed, essentially. He is extremely bitter and drunk for most of the book, up until the denoument, at which point he’s euphoric and hopeful.

Perhaps Walter symbolizes the transcendental properties of idealism- despite having far-fetched plans and virtually no means to carry them out. But, he still associates the future with his utopia, therefore, he finds no reason to actually begin assessing his current state and his lack of understanding of the future.

I do appreciate Beneatha’s godlessness, although, I’m unsure as to what it meant within the book. Beneatha is among the most intelligent within the play, but she is also cold and stubborn. She is described as very beautiful, and has the potential to date one of the wealthiest people within the play, but ends up falling for the Asagai dude, who isn’t particularly wealthy but is optimistic and intelligent. He only appears twice within the play, but the author clearly wishes for the audience to favor Asagai over the other dude (his last name is Murchison!! What a plonker!)

You are a victim of the rules you live by.

I’m so irritated right now. That gummy feeling I get at times like these just won’t go away. And lately I’ve realized that this microcosm I live in is so pointless and the only things I think about lately are, indeed, pointless as well. I don’t know, jumping into dating (although, it’s not just that) seems to have outlined the way I deal with people and my relationships with people. Not only that, but it’s making me face so many things that I’ve been avoiding.

“You know, Amanda, as time goes by, I realize how lucky I am to have been friends with you so long and to be so close to you. Because I realize how difficult it is for other people to get close to you.”

Megan told me this a few days ago. And a few weeks ago, too. :3 I don’t know, in her saying that, she points out that there are people vying for my attention and I shut them down if they try too hard. Because it overwhelms me. I realize, as time goes on, I become more and more like my mother and I do not want to mirror my mother’s social style. In a lot of ways, I feel like she’s Magwitch and I’m Pip. But then again, it’s not like this habit of mine is inherited. I could fix it if I tried hard enough. I’m just afraid of having to be in that situation in which I can do nothing to relieve the social tension.

I don’t know, I thought I was a really strong person but I’ve come to realize that I am afraid of so many abstract things- which is considerably worse than fearing concrete things.  The thing is, I’ve spent so much time on self-improvement within the last year, but I feel like I have achieved nothing. I pushed myself. I put myself in situations that I didn’t want to be in. I set up rules and I followed them, because I thought they were for the greater good. I challenged myself and the way I perceived things. Aw, but you know, not all anguish leads to self-actualization and I realized that. “Everything in moderation,” is pointless if you cannot figure out where the midpoint is. Diathesis-stress model.

And embarking on a new relationship doesn’t mitigate the problem. This isn’t to say that I’m going to give in and back out of this relation-date-tionship thing I have going on right now. Or any time soon. I have to try new things out and see how this goes. I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I’m just saying that I’m really freaking scared right now.

I’m afraid of what I could potentially do to myself, as vacuous as that sounds. I don’t want to make the mistakes my friends have. I realize that a relationship can only fulfill that part in my life, but I’m afraid that I could monopolize that resource. It sucks that I’m dating one of my best friends because when the relationship inevitably ends (come on, we all know I’m not going to marry my first boyfriend) the friendship will be ruined, too. No matter how much we assure each other of an attractive dissolution, I know it’s not going to work out that positively. It never does.

And the pain of losing that friendship is enough to make me want to end this relationship altogether before we become too attached. Just because his last relationship was a long-term and successful one, it doesn’t mean that this relationship will be, and I don’t want to be around when this thing ends.

Oh, and the fact that no matter how much you love someone or how much you trust them, there’s virtually no way to remain confident that they won’t decide to remove themselves from your life altogether some day, isn’t helpful, either.

You know every word they say

… “You knew just the right things to say to them. Distance ripped us farther and farther and farther away.”

Today was pretty good. We did virtually nothing in all of our classes.

Instead of going to the pep assembly, I went to my favorite teacher’s classroom and chilled out for a while. Except other people did that, too, and it made the entire thing extraordinarily uncomfortable because I couldn’t read Crime and Punishment in peace. God, people- this is study hall. If you wanted to talk, you should’ve gone to the pep assembly. I hate everyone.

Cody had lunch with us today. It was awkward but I was too busy being all :D! to care.

One of the restaurants mom and dad seem to love is this stupid place that we affectionately call, “Chung’s,” even if that’s not the name of the restaurant at all and quite honestly, I feel like someone made up the name. Anyways. It sells teriyaki chicken and only teriyaki chicken. I hate teriyaki chicken, and I feel like everyone else on this planet does besides my parents. I also feel like my parents are the only sponsors that help maintain this business, really.

So, they called me when they were there because they told me they would if they discovered anything on the menu that did not involve teriyaki chicken. The options were pho soup, egg rolls, spring rolls, and fried rice. All of which are essentially side dishes to complement teriyaki chicken. First, I hate spring rolls. They are lame and whomever invented spring rolls deserved to host a debilitating parasite within his or her intestines. Second, I’ve never consumed pho soup but I heard it was really good so I asked for it. My mother said that I wouldn’t like it so she wouldn’t get it for me.

In the end, I ordered egg rolls and chicken fried rice. (Another thing- shrimp fried rice owns, I don’t understand why the only choices that were available were pork, chicken, and beef.) I only ordered egg rolls because I wanted to spite spring rolls. I don’t know how good egg rolls taste, but they should be better than spring rolls because nothing is worse than spring rolls.

On second thought, I should have bought spring rolls so I could pain them as I consume them. Not only that, but I would keep the spring rolls away from their friends in the process, which could possibly induce suicide among the spring rolls and make all spring rolls die. Like Voldemort, only not.

Edit:

WHY OH WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?

They put teriyaki chicken. In my fried rice.

I hate everyone.

“That’s so gay.”

Yeah. I’m in a mood today.

A few days ago, I overheard a conversation involving some friends from a few years ago. That was k. Up until they affectionately referred to “those weird girls” and how they were dating. They’ve used this instance as a reason to isolate them for years now.

I am disgusted, how people use that as a personal attack and believe that it serves as reasonable grounds to dislike someone. It makes me so angry. People use “gay,” as a derogatory term, but they don’t even know what that means, where originates, or how offensive it really is. “Homophobic,” has finally earned its stigma, but using “gay,” as a derogatory term has not.

To clear it up, using “gay,” as a derogatory term implies that being anything but heterosexual is wrong and is something to be ashamed of. The usage of this term further affirms the religious ideology that being attracted to the same sex is wrong, sinful, and disgusting.

They don’t realize how much of a product of society they are.

Two-Headed Boy has been stuck in my head for the past two days. :S

Today, in English, Joyce was asking me for some advice on her essay. I returned the paper to her with my thoughts and she exclaimed, “You’re so smart!”

I really do not know what to say when people tell me this. I end up giggling myself into a stupor trying to avoid the compliment and to fill the empty space. I don’t try to be smart. I don’t even like displaying my intelligence too much. This has happened so many times within my life, that it’s not so much of a compliment anymore because I do not feel much surprise nowadays.  I just don’t want to look like a snob because of my indifference towards the compliment.

Today, however, the compliment did affect me somewhat. As much as I love science, this whole grammar/english nazi deal is working out quite nicely. I just don’t think I could be viable within the journalism field. :3

I couldn’t sleep last night. R.Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet was on, so I watched it…

And. I. Just. Couldn’t. Stop.

It was very intriguing, although, he had to use the word, “midgit,” to make the verse rhyme, and so for the remainder of the episode it was talking about this woman who was cheating on her husband with a midgit. And who was pregnant with the midget’s baby. And every time there was a transition between plots, I exclaimed, “rofl!” or, “lol.” or, “roflcopter.” because the cliffhangers were so ridiculous. And when I managed to fall back asleep, the tune was stuck in my head. Yeah.

And I’d do it again!

I held off going to the bathroom for the entirety of an hour and thirty minutes, because I didn’t want to miss anything. It’s terrible. But I enjoyed it.

And I don’t really know what I think of it exactly. I was surprised that I wasn’t too annoyed by the constant singing. I was also surprised that hearing R. Kelly make his voice deeper or higher to imply different characters didn’t annoy me, either. Perhaps I was too interested in the plotline.

Here is the plotline of what happened in the part that I watched. I don’t remember any names, but like in math, I’ll separate the subject-nouns with the adjectives that are modifying it to make it easier to understand, that is, if you read it all the way. You find a theme of cheating alot here and it gets a bit boring sometimes, but whatever. Quite honestly, I’m surprised I remember so much of it.

This dude cheated on his wife with a woman he met at a club.  The woman ended up being married to a pastor. This woman’s husband came home while the dude was at her house, and the woman made him hide in a closet. So, this is the first time the “trapped in the closet” thing happened. (The man the woman is married to) is a pastor, who is also cheating on his wife with a gay man. Then the first dude decides to go home, but when he calls his wife a man answers the phone. Immediately, the dude decides his wife is cheating on him, and goes home angry. He is in such a hurry that he gets a speeding ticket for it, but when he finally gets home, he realizes that his wife is alone and that everything is fine. The wife’s brother just got out of jail and was home. But no! The wife was cheating on him with the policeman that ticketed the dude earlier! But they forgive each other and start having fun and laughing about everything that happened UNTIL! the policeman comes in and thinks the dude is trying to murder his wife, and the dude is at gunpoint with the policeman! And then they get in a fight and they accidentally shoot the wife’s brother! And he just got out of jail and was going to turn his life around! But in the end everything’s k with him because he knew how to fix it so whatev.

Later, we find out the dude’s wife and (the woman that the dude was cheating with) are friends, haha. And we find out that the dude was paid to cheat with the woman because the woman wanted to end the relationship with her husband. And the policeman was also cheating on his wife, and his wife was also cheating on him… With a midgit. Who was hiding in a closet. That’s when I exclaimed, “roflcopter.” :3

… Jeez, there was tons more that happened, but uh, it really sucks having to write it out because I don’t know their names.

From a literary standpoint (yeah, music can be a form of literature) I do like the reoccurring theme of being trapped in a closet, though. The building of suspense was great. I enjoyed the plotline, because everything mixed together. It reminded me of the way Charles Dickens’ had set up his plots. The reoccurring theme of cheating, though, became very tedious and I wanted something else to happen. Hah, and the midgit part made me laugh alot, although, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh at it.

Sometimes when he couldn’t get it to rhyme, he would just carry on the note for a few seconds and continue. Or he would force the rhyme, which annoyed me. I forgive him for that, though, I realize how hard it is to rhyme for an entire hour and a half. I also loved that if within the story, people would be fighting (even if this doesn’t happen all the time) he would layer his voices and make it sound like an argument. It really made me understand the confusion with which the protagonist was feeling.

The concept itself is an original one, but I don’t know if this is something I want to become common.  I appreciate the originality of it, and from an inspirational standpoint, it’s cool that he used this as a way to spark his creativity.

… I really do not know what else to say about it, haha.

Napoleon’s tailor dressed him in a giant hat,

“… and funny platform shoes. He said anyone can be a hero, you just got to force people to look up to you.”

So I expected that they wouldn’t pick me, but it really wasn’t enough. I’m trying hard to remain as selfless as I can be. I know this isn’t a personal attack. I know that there are people who are better than I am at this. Taking me could potentially ruin our chances at state. This is a competition. If they could take everyone, they would. They just can’t. I shouldn’t be taking this so hard.

But anyways. I went to the diversity alliance meeting today. We made posters. I left early with Melissa. I feel so terrible about it, though. I impose on her time with John. As misanthropic as I am, I am trying very hard to understand that she, like most people, appreciates the time spent with her significant other. It’s not just that, though. I don’t do it on purpose. If Debbie and I were cool, then I wouldn’t be doing this to her. The more often this happens, the more I feel I am a burden to her.

We have to take a personality test online for AP Psychology. Uh. Dear god- ALL of these traits can apply to ANYONE. This is comparable to astrology. I can’t believe I have to do this.

… “Are you sometimes rude to people? Rate how much you agree with this statement from one to five, five meaning agree, one meaning disagree.”

Dude, like, don’t even go there.

Not to mention how terribly wrong the results were. It suggested that:

1. I  do not seek out new experiences.
   • Seeking new experiences is what life is about. Why would I deny myself that?
2. I am “neither organized or disorganized.”
   • Er, way to be even less helpful than you were originally.
3. I tend to shy away from social situations.
   • I’m quite the social person. I have tons of friends. I giggle myself into a stupor so other people don’t feel uncomfortable, kthx.
4. I find it easy to express irritation with others.
   • Only sometimes. Which is not often.
5. I am generally relaxed.
   • Actually, that’s quite correct. Except when it’s not.

Er, yeah, that was fail. I expected more since this was an assignment for school. How wrong I was.

So that’s my rant for today. I now have to get started on the four math lessons I have to do, and prepare myself for the quiz. That is tomorrow. And I have no clue what this limit sequence thing means. Uh, yeah, I’m pretty angry.

And dance round the room to accordion keys

We might go to Ikea tomorrow. Instead of going to the seminar since I don’t think I’d enjoy myself too much, even if I paid fifteen dollars to register.

I bought clotted cream, scone mix, and lemon curd over the internet yesterday. For like, ten bucks so I could use my free shipping coupon code. Yeah, I just put tons of filler into my basket because the only thing I really wanted was clotted cream. In order to buy it, I had to order three of them to use the code. I suck. I’ve never tried clotted cream before and I bought three of them to save almost thirty dollars on shipping and handling. The payoff is reasonable, but I still feel pretty stupid in spending ten bucks on food. Over the internet.

I also bought One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest for my brother’s birthday. It’s about time he reads a book, especially a classic like this. Except I doubt he’d read it. I bought it used, but still, I spent a good seven bucks on it. I also bought myself a collection of the greatest existential works or something. I was hoping to buy the dictionary of existentialism, but it is, indeed, a hundred dollars. I thought the library was kidding or something.

I keep having these stupid dreams that are replete of paranoia. I don’t particularly care about it anymore, but it still haunts me in my dreams and eats away at my soul.

I’ve been addicted to Ask MetaFilter. I would love to join, but I would feel really dumb paying five bucks just for a membership. It makes sense why they have the fee there, but it would feel a bit embarrassing to use tangible money to pay for something as impalpable as a membership to Ask MetaFilter, haha.

I watched the democratic debates, yeah. It was good until I fell asleep. I had managed to watch a good hour and a half of it before I felt a nap coming on, and, well, if there’s an opportunity to sleep, I TAKE IT.

__

K. Now that I’m older and should be considering what I want from relationships, I’m having a problem with the concept of monogamy. Er, yeah, I’m a hypocrite.

Cons:

1. Monogamy is a social, not a biological, law. Case in point, we aren’t birds.
   • What is the point of being in a relationship if it isn’t exclusive? The reason why you are in a relationship is to be singled out- to be special, or whatever.
     • But, then again, I don’t understand why it would be so important if one is treated differently over other people; it may seem like a monogamous relationship (in the sense that they are treated with such undivided attention while together) even when one shares such an experience with other people.
2. I don’t understand why people are so possessive over their significant others, really. I think this is more of a personal flaw rather than a flaw of monogamy, but it is a still a flaw that exists and is related to monogamy. I think the reason why this personal flaw is so common is because we are brought up in a culture that greatly values monogamy. People get punished for being unfaithful in this society. So, basically, this flaw can be attributed to the basis of monogamy because it describes how strong of a hold it has on society and how unhealthy those implications are.
3. If you trace the origin of whoever began promoting the idea of monogamy, it’s pretty easy to figure out: Christianity. Sexual repression is the core of such an institution.

The bottom line is: Why is promising sexual exclusivity important in the first place?

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night

It’s painful when you realize, your lives are intertwined. It’s helped me somewhat.

So, there are two guys that I am somewhat interested in. One of them is actively showing interest in me, more so than the other guy. I think they’re cool, but I’m not attracted to either of them. It’s time for me to begin forming an honest relationship with myself, really. I cannot consider myself as rational if I’m not honest with myself. NO MORE. I don’t know. I mean, one guy is cool. He’s nice to me and acts like he is attracted to me. I guess that’s making him look better than he really is. I don’t know him at all. The other guy I’ve known for a while and I’m very comfortable around him and he’s the coolest guy I know. There isn’t a person I enjoy being around more.

… But I don’t see myself in a relationship with either person. They’re fun to be around, but I don’t think of them in that way.  I suck.  I feel like I should like them. Gosh, there isn’t a person that I’ve felt all omgz about since Logan. What does that say about my current state? Is it a lack of people or is it my fault? Man, I’m beyond annoyed.

I’m thinking of just laying low for a little while.

We are going to have an essay in English about Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. It’s going to be about our dreams and hopes. The worst thing is, I have none. I’m not really the kind of person who dreams of how I’m going to be years from now. When I was little, I did that, but that was mostly because I had nothing else to do. The world was so limited at the time that I couldn’t help but imagine what life would be like later on, the opportunities, and of course, it was primarily influenced by television. Maybe I just don’t know what I want right now, or I’ve grown up and I don’t need dreams to find meaning or direction. If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite the laid-back person. I’ll take things as they come. The only thing that I wish about life later on is that I’ll be independent and happy. Maybe this would lead to an interesting essay or an incredibly boring one. I mean, there are things I would like to happen, but they are contrary to reality so I don’t ponder those thoughts too long. Counterfactual thinking really isn’t for me, haha. I would like to live in Seattle. But it isn’t my dream.

Yesterday, I was knitting in class and I was suddenly mobbed by these people that I don’t know with requests to knit them hats and stuff. I don’t know these people. Not to mention, these are among the most obnoxious people at my school. But anyways. This girl turned around and she said, “So, you’re like, smart, right?”

…

‘Nuff said.

Man, this new Honorary Title record is great.

Today, I went to Key Club with Debbie. It was a refreshing experience, seeing as we had an actual conversation and had some degree of fun during it. Things are slowly, but surely, getting better. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person who is having a positive experience involving her.

On Friday, we had this guest speaker come in to talk in AP Psychology and World History. The first speaker was great. The second speaker was an ignorant jerk who I hope that I never have to see vocalize their thoughts ever again! It’s amazing how much I absolutely disliked his presentation. He started out with this dude-speak that is supposedly inherent among males whenever they are outside of their profession. That, I tried to ignore, but since I’m flaming him right now, it’s fine for me to add it into my commentary. His presentation was okay up until he said:
“Those suicide bombers must be the stupidest people on this planet. I mean, really, what a weak way to fight.”

Er. Okay.

1. Suicide bombers/terrorists are not innately stupid. Most of the time, they are quite intelligent- phDs and all. It would be wonderful if the antithesis were true, in which case, we could just amp up the literacy programs and this problem would be quelled. I would go onwards with a antitheistic speech, but I’ll spare you that.
2. Suicide bombers do not do what they do to “fight.” They do it because they believe that sacrificing themselves will reward them with eternal paradise after death.
3. Oh, the irony within his statement was so overwhelming. He walked into the room, throwing in “likes” and “reallys” like there was no tomorrow. The last time I heard, using words like those bring your IQ down by at least three points. Not to mention that if that were the case- they would be on the same playing field. He is there, too, sacrificing himself for ideals he believes in.

Onwards with the first speaker, then. Haha, let’s put the cart before the horse today!

The first speaker was wonderful. She was a clinical psychologist from the navy. She stressed rationality, which made my heart explode. All-in-all, the way she talked about how psychologists think and observe problems made me feel like I could, possibly, succeed within this field. I may not be interested in clinical psychology, but still.

… This led me to this great epiphany about how I should get back onto the OMGZ SCHOOL complex once more. Y’know, how I should try a little more.

Gosh, I hate living here.

I did nothing over the weekend. I pondered beginning my dress for Tolo, which I abruptly ignored. Radio Free Roscoe is on television once more, which is the cutest show EVAR, so that brightened up life a bit.

I had so much to say but I don’t really remember anymore. D:

My confidence has been tested, and I can surely say that I don’t like anyone at all. It’s comforting. Not really. Even if I shouldn’t care about having a mate, I cannot help but ponder my future of becoming an old, single woman, living in an apartment with about forty cats, knitting Christmas sweaters and talking to herself, kthx. It’s an unrealistic and depressing epiphany to experience at fifteen, but it’s one I should think about if I want to have some kind of companion later on in life. Because, y’know, nobody really wants that kind of reality, but some people inevitably do. Darn it, I apologize for not being so self-liberating today.

Yes, but no.

So, school is going to be somewhat out-of-order tomorrow. In some way, it will be. It’s been snowing like crazy. Catching snow on our tongues is rather easy, but keeping the snowflake (which is really a snowflake on steroids) only in your mouth is quite difficult, since it gets all over your face. But I wouldn’t do that, if I were you, since who knows what’s in that snow, even if it’s fresh.

Two trees outside our house have fallen down because of the amount of snow that’s on them!

I knitted most of the day. I watched the “new” American Gothic, yeah. I should buy that on dvd or something. I’m tired of waiting a month for a “new” episode to come out, even if the show ended over a decade ago. I like it, though. It’s very funny to watch, given the heavy southern accents. Not to mention my reaction to almost every gory scene: “Oh, dear god! He got fake blood on his shirt!” Oh, Amanda, I love you. The plot reeks of absolutely no scientific knowledge at all, but I suppose it’s a show that I’m willing to give up my rational side for only because it’s fictional. The only time I do not get angry about hearing of ghosts, the afterlife, astrology, palmistry, numerology, and any other psychic phenomenon is when I watch this show.

… And teh womenz are really cute, too, yeah.

Speaking of scientific literacy… I loathe the fact that studies like these are the only ones that ever get attention. Absolutely impractical studies which do nothing to better the public. How can I possibly become a better, more informed person by knowing that females do not talk more than men do on a daily basis, and that men supposedly live longer if they look at boobs every day? Yeah, this stuff is so intellectually stimulating, that it makes me want to punch the scientists who decided to conduct these useless studies. Oh, I’m absolutely furious. This is the reason why the public is so ignorant of any scientific knowledge! sldjfl;skdjf;lskjdfkje

… But you already know my point of view on this stuff. Or whatever.

Oh, and Amanda went nowhere because I’m stuck inside the snowglobe. Still.

Cut it out, don’t think about it.

“Some of them are thinking of you but they can’t be here.”

“All the technology is confused and unrecognizable, everything is magic, but lifeless.”
Profound, yeah. After you read it through, it’s quite inspiring. I like it. And the climax of this thing begins where you see the boat, it’s almost like seeing a movie and dramatic music starts playing. That was nice.

But anyways. I was watching The Final Cut the other night. It’s set in a future in which people have the option of having chips implanted in a person’s brain while they are still in the womb for the purpose of recording all of their experiences as they are alive, so they can be reviewed and used as a eulogy of sorts. The main character is this dude who is a Cutter, which is a person who interviews the dead person’s relatives and friends and such to bring together the eulogy by taking bits and pieces out of the entire movie of their life. It is advised for the parents to let their child know that they have this implant when they are 21, although, the main dude’s parents died before they could inform him that he has an implant. He finds out one way or another, and tries to figure out a way to disable it. This is a profound moment in the movie, but I suppose he did not want his cutter to see all the things he has?

But anyways, he finds a place where they give him a tattoo that disables the chip. This tattoo comes in installments, and he actually dies gets killed before the process is complete. Aw, I don’t want to give it all away, no. But seriously, I loved this movie. I especially loved how they stressed that this whole thing changed the society within the movie. There were people protesting these implants, which I greatly appreciated. I think I liked it so much only because I hadn’t expected that aspect of it.

It’s a very emotional movie- I feel like I should take something away from this. Even if it is a sci-fi film, I feel there’s something I’m supposed to learn from this. Maybe this was supposed to make me reevaluate how important memories are. Or maybe to accept that people are corrupt as a whole and it’s just another aspect of being human. Perhaps it is a wake up call? To gain perspective on our lives instead of having this myopic view?

… I don’t know. I’m trying to find a deeper theme besides, “The things you do suck now, so get your act together.”

And now the wind, it hits our sleeves

…”It’s freezing we got colder, older, we got older.”

I was watching this documentary about the trafficking of females in China. This documentary exposed a problem I didn’t know existed- because of the values of people who are of the Chinese culture, being a young bachelor is not acceptable. The worst part is, China is experiencing much of what happened in Europe during the Victorian era; there are simply not enough women to go around. Because of this, men are kidnapping women (although, it’s mostly young girls) and prostituting them.

This really displays how objectified these women are. They are only valued because they are potential wives, which will enable them to have children (BUT GOD FORBID it’ll be a girl, no. It must be a guy.) Despite that, though, women are still being portrayed as sex objects more than potential wives. This isn’t region-specific, though. Lately, Dubai and Thailand have been dealing with the human trafficking issues as well.

Another thing that I have been thinking about is this. The acknowledgment of regimes like this makes me feel uneasy. Lately, governments have been limiting the freedoms journalists have. In fact, there was a radio station in Nepal that was airing information about topics the government found controversial, so the government threatened the station to either shut down or air only music. I absolutely love what these people did- instead of shutting down altogether, they sang their broadcast. askljflaskjf;lsak absolute love for these people.

This is a friendship

… “Not Where’s Waldo!”

I need socks desperately. I honestly think my washing machine is eating up my socks. I don’t care what they say, NO!

Tomorrow’s school again, and I have to organize my Gilgamesh notes. Not particularly something I am looking forward to, since I feel like I’ve analyzed this enough (around fifteen pages of notes, yeah.) but I will continue to conquer this book and do the best that I can for this class.

Tomorrow is also Guy Fawkes’ Night, so get your parties crankin’, yeah!

Oh, and I realized Friday night that that marked a year from, er, this. Of course, that led me to read Les Miserables for only this part, though. But eh, at least something’s happened, though. He notices me now. For rlz, yah. It’s quite wonderful but it is also incredibly bizarre because I’m not adapted to it at all, and so when he looks at me, I feel like he’s looking at someone behind me. Or whatever. I suck, yeah, but that’s okay because most people at this age do, and most of the time I am exempt from the generalization. Except for now.

YOU CAN IMAGINE IT HAPPENING, YEAH.

Christmas Winter Solstice is coming up and I need to come up with ideas for my list. I never have something that I truly desire for this occasion, although I really need a serger. Or at least, a better sewing machine because the one I have is only full of pain, sorrow, tension problems, inconsistent stitches, and of course- BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM. I hate my sewing machine so much that I only use it when I absolutely have to. I just need to find a reasonably priced one that has, at the absolute least, an overlocking stitch. That is what I desire, end of discussion.

… Next to a few books and a new pair of earbuds because my old set broke. Okay, last two sets. D:

So, here’s something that has actual substance:

My mother was not much of a touchy-feely person when I was a child. Once (okay, much more than once.) when I was a child, my mom was making peanut butter cookies and I came in and wanted to help and she yelled at me to leave. Decidedly, she is not one for being superfluously comforting, no. And for some reason, she’s being very touchy-feely lately, and I have to say that I loath the situations. (For those who are not aware, “loathe” with an e means something one deeply hates, while “loath,” without the e, is avoiding something.) It’s not something I’m used to, and quite honestly, I dislike it quite a bit. My mother takes offense to this, but she still does not respect the fact that I don’t appreciate it. So she smothers me to death.

Two of my friends dated. And then they broke up. And the woman is being making their breakup so interminable that their relationship ended around three months ago and it is still dramatic. The dude, on the other hand, isn’t handling the situation particularly well either, but he went so far as to say that he hates his ex-girlfriend, and their entire relationship was a mistake. I only understand the latter, only because they were best friends beforehand and now they never speak to each other. She is coercing everyone into choosing a side, and I chose hers. But now, I am questioning that decision, and I find myself feeling so bad for him that I am trying to reestablish our friendship.

It’s not like I ended our friendship; I chose sides but I hadn’t made that message clear to him because I don’t see him around enough to do that.

Even if he said that he hates her, and I find that as a completely egregious way to approach the situation, I don’t think that choosing sides is necessarily the correct way to approach this either. This has not been made apparent to other people in our group, but hatred only spreads hatred. If I choose to take part in this, I will only make it worse. He has been nothing but nice to me (okay… Even if he said that I am a bad person and that I am dooooooooomed forever because of my secular beliefs and all that jazz, I am willing to look past that because people get weird when it comes to those things. Everyone does. I do.) and I should not treat him differently just because of what he said about his ex-girlfriend. That circumstance has nothing to do with me.

And, of course, this only leads me to believe that dating people within my own group of friends will only lead to chaos. I can honestly say that I have never liked a person within my group of friends- which is a great thing. As unreasonable as generalizations are (paradox!) I don’t think I will ever date someone within my group of friends because the implications of our inevitable breakup will ruin everything.

This somewhat makes up for the absolutely useless posts I’ve been churning out, right?

And you remind me, I’m the one to blame.

… “I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head.”

Things started making sense today. Even if I am so behind on my dress for homecoming. But that’s totally what tomorrow is for. :D

I was thinking about the practice of men who ask the father of their significant other for permission to marry today. That last sentence was terribly constructed, yeah. Isn’t the whole practice a bit degrading? It dates back to when the daughters were more or less traded off to another family. So, basically, the whole practice is centered around objectifying females- the men are asking whether they are allowed to hold onto the father’s property, right?

I don’t think these birth control meds are working. Thank Jeebus that I’m… not having sex.

I need to make my dress for homecoming badly, and I cannot- for the life of me- figure out how to make the dress I want! -dies-

… It’ll look a little like this.

Only with godets and not pleats. :D Hopefully?

An open arm’s a prison cell

… “We are parallel lines, we are running in circles, we are never meant to cross!”

Oh, Dog Problems is _____.

I went to the dentist this morning, and had to wake up early. I’ve been waking up early lately, but today, I could not. I could’ve killed to fall asleep last night. And this delusional parasitosis is not helping. I even went to the living room to try and sleep. And that didn’t help. Even during the daytime, I can feel it. But I understand this is completely made up within my mind and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Ah. It’s so weird when I’m behind people who are engaged in conversation, and they pretty much retell their conversation for me, like they want me to overhear. The sad thing is, I am.

I was thinking about this whole “God” thing. And I realized that this is almost like the whole solipsism thing. I mean, “nature” is a rational thinker’s “higher power”.  And I’m not going to say this just so I can still be teh ultimate atheist, yo. But to use the term “nature” to describe something that just happens without cause seems to be wrong. I don’t think any kind of divinity exists, so it’s not like nature planned the way the universe works. I think things just happen without it being planned, necessarily. Oh, I hope that made sense. Because it’s a huge realization for me.

Before I go on to the rant about myself, I believe I have an answer for all the anecdotal evidence supporting a psychic’s ability to foretell the future accurately. Chances are, if you believe you are aware of what is going to happen in the future, you are probably going to try even more so to ensure that it will happen. It’s not the psychic’s “ability” to foretell the future- you are the one who makes the claim a reality.

You know, I don’t think I’m going to go on with my rant about myself. Because I really do not feel like it right now.

I hope this is what you want

… “Because my throat will be the first thing to go!”

Geez. This record is awesome. ‘Birds’ is my favorite right now, ftw. But I cannot get past that whole “If S-I-L-Y-M-I still is all you want/ then I’m not sure how much in common we’ve got!” and how awesome it is. Definitely my favorite lyric of ALL time.

Directions is certainly not SILYMI, and it’s not BOATS, either. It is very far off of SILYMI, in the sense that this new record is not as poppy as the other one. This record has a theme of growing up, basically, while the other one seemed to focus on teenage angst. This record is much more melodic, it seems, than the others. There are definitely no “Photography”/”Ready” tracks on here, but it’s still an awesome record. Considering the fact that Say It Like You Mean It was made when they were in their early twenties/pretty much, in high school, and now they are much older, their sound has definitely changed. Oh, but this is really, a great record. Everybody should listen to it.

… But I’m thinking of restraining myself from listening to it too much, haha.

But anyways. I am trying to find some way to decorate the walls within my room, seeing as I moved my furniture around and got rid of things that are no longer “me” (Sorry, couldn’t find a better adjective. Oh, the philosophical possibilities of such a statement!) therefore, my walls have nothing on it besides my Blink poster. Sad, yes, but as I said before, a part of me is dying along with the past year. Anyways, I have this thin cardboard prism that I am planning on either putting a collage onto, or putting some fabric on it and hanging it up, or maybe just putting my leftover muslin on it and painting it. It’ll look nicer than it sounds.

I got started on knitting another sweater for myself, it’s going to be swt. Except for the fact that this is my first lace pattern, and I keep freaking out over counting between the stitches.

__________________

So, what role does the awareness of our consciousness play in evolutionary process? (I really cannot elaborate on this statement more. Because I have no clue.)

Ants are biologically set up to live for a very short period of time, therefore, they are programmed to do things. They have no free will. Evolution drives them, basically. The ants probably do not see that they are like robots, programmed to do whatever possible, to thrive and carry on their genes.  We, humans, are set up to live for a much longer period of time, but we are still driven by evolution. We find ways to make our lives easier by technology, we can even think for ourselves. So, if you ponder this even further; is our free will an illusion? What if we are just like ants, unaware of the routine we undergo throughout our lifetime?

I know nobody’s perfect

… “But nobody wants to sound desperate, unless that’s part of what they’re trying to say. You’ve lost your way with words, or at least that’s what I heard.”

This record is so f***ing amazing, guys. This makes my birthday, haha.

The people on the news are complaining about the weather around here. It’s getting really humid, it’s terrible. But they were complaining, and I cannot help but ponder the idea that they brought this onto themselves. Yes, people, global warming! We saw this coming, all right, stop acting like this hotter-than-normal weather was not expected.

I was watching Democracy Now! today, and they were talking to this dude who made two books about the war, etc. The dude was saying that the Iraqi people had it better during Saddam Hussein’s reign as opposed to now. And I agree with him. Think about it: a normal person in Iraq during Hussein’s reign led a more or less, normal life, just so long as they weren’t politically outspoken. America made their problem worse- and have made their lives worse, time and time again. I especially love how we act like Iraqis are uncivilized and unable to care for themselves. Do they really need our help to establish a government? Are they seriously that ignorant?

Oh, and that whole thing about Scooter Libby. For you guys who don’t know, he’s the dude who sold secrets about the CIA, and Bush spared him prison time for it. So what does Amanda think about it? Oh, you’ve seen this coming. IT’S THE FREEMASONS A-COMIN’!

_________

But anyways. Today, we went to the grocery store to get some food, finally. More accurately, my mom and my brother. Almost every time my brother goes grocery shopping with either parent, they end up buying things we hardly need. Really, most of the food we have at our house now, is junk food. I can’t wait until I can buy healthy food for myself. Why is it that I am almost always the voice of reason within this household?
[/superiority complex]

I never would have imagined myself to be here a few years ago. To be a militant atheist; to be so utterly crazy; to be so wrapped up in politics and the world’s problems; to be actually entering high school; to have stopped caring about what people say about me when I’m not around; to be this bemused and living in my own world and loving it… I can’t help but feel like a part of myself is dying along with the past year. Whether it be a good thing or not, I’m unsure, but this is meaningful. I’ve been telling myself this for the past couple of days but I haven’t written it here. Darn it, I’m a personally-evolving multi-celled organism!