You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Hah, wow. My creative writing prompt from last year. Now I feel like I can reflect on it properly.

The thing is, it sounds too serious. The tone is too much for me. I say, “the,” too often when I link verbs to nouns. The entire story is all pretty disjointed. The play on words is great, but I think I lost the meaning because I was trying so hard to manipulate the words like that. It was a bit distracting, too. It takes a great deal of effort to understand what the plot line is because of how poetic it is. Some of it, I’m not sure of other people can understand because of the metaphors I used. I like it, in the sense that the character introduces herself in a pretty straightforward way. I didn’t want it to be so in-your-face that you could tell the author was just trying to characterize the person they are talking about. I introduced it all by saying something along the lines of, “when in situations that require small-talk, once discusses the following.” Or something like that. I would like to rewrite it, however, I think it’s best for me to keep it the way it is out of nostalgia.

… It doesn’t help that Debbie said it made her giggle when she read it at first. That made me feel very self-conscious.

I was trying to find the excerpt when I stumbled across my old entries from last year. Man, so much has changed in just a few months. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it alot. There are certain songs that I listened to so much last year, that they pretty much describe the entire year:

1. Frame by Frame- The Honorary Title. I loved this song for a few months. Like, that was the only song I listened to for months. It always reminds me of how stressful last year was. It’s not so much the words that make/made me feel emotional, it was the music that did it.
2. Tune Out- The Format. I listened to this song while I was making my dress for freshman and when I was reading Les Miserables. It reminds me of spring so much because it was the only time I really enjoyed the song.
3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups. Man, I listened to this song this year, too. It’s mostly another angst song about homeskillet.
4. When Paula Sparks- Copeland. Yeah, this song really hits the spot. Another angst song.
5. Photography- The Starting Line. Man, so much emotion here. It builds so nicely. This has to be one of my favorite songs by them. There’s a period of time in which my entries begin with quotes only from that song, I think it was April or May, because I couldn’t think of another song I liked to refer to, haha.

When it’s with those angst songs, I tend to feel a sense of remorse for myself because of how terrible things were at the time. I don’t feel that way about what has happened this year, though, even if it’s worse than last year. I guess it’s because I don’t feel closure for that right now. It could still get worse.

In all honesty, though, I was going crazy last year. No one can really grasp that. I was stuck in a state of being and un-being. I was trying to figure things out. The entries that I wrote back then are pretty intense. I had never felt so strange, stressed out, or inert than I had at that time. Despite that, though, I wish I was back at that point again. Creativity flowed.

It’s getting old, isn’t it?

I’m listening to all this old stuff that I used to listen to in eighth grade. When things were good, you know.

Man, I thought I had everything under control. I don’t even have the ghost of you anymore to live off of.

My thoughts send me on a carousel

I talk to you every now and then, I’ve never felt so alone again.

I knitted up three hats today. Wow. My fingers really hurt.
… But in the process of doing so, I managed to watch Forrest Gump in its entirety. My opportunity to prove how manly I am has come and gone, and indeed, I passed. Even if I’m a girl. But yeah, I didn’t cry at the end, which is some kind of indication of my masculinity. I did laugh a bit, though. It was so stupid, but so stupid that it was funny. But at some parts, I would laugh, and question as to whether they were being serious or if they wanted me to find it funny. I guess I will never know.

John Dewey is such a great writer. Oh, I should post some of the stuff he writes. Every sentence in this book is worthy of being quoted. A good quarter of the vocabulary that he uses I am unfamiliar with- which I absolutely love. Not to mention his absolute smackdown of religion, which only accentuated my love for this man even more.

I just thought that was cute. Via FFFFOUND!

And I just felt a bit nostalgic, bite me.

Winter break is coming up. We have half a week of school. I have a ton of homework to do, but I’m too set on getting these winter solstice presents done to even begin thinking about getting a headstart on all the homework. But whatever, I’ll have something like two weeks to get it done, I’ll be fine.

I had love, I had good love

…”With the nerve to throw it all away.”

Things were great. They really were. I was just too stupid to realize it. But that’s fine. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.
… And I think that is where I went wrong?

But if I take the time to think about it too much, I think it’ll just make me feel even worse. Another thing is, I’m exhausted from this. It just sucks that I tried so hard and she doesn’t seem to realize it. Aw, I’m going to miss having you around.

But you know, I’m going to be just fine. This is now an open memory, and with time, it’ll become a closed one. Despite all of the crying I’ve endured within these past couple of weeks only about this- I’m going to be fine. I have so much more to celebrate than that.

I sure wish I could act heartless and cold like you are. It’d make this so much easier to swallow. But I cannot allow myself to inflict pain upon someone else, or give myself the illusion that I am doing so, just because they’re doing the same to me. And yeah, I’m a bit afraid she’ll read this because for the first time in a really long time- someone will have a critical eye as to what I say and do from now on. Gosh, this sucks.

This’ll be a lesson. And since I’ll be dating soon, I’ll definitely need to learn it.

After writing this down, I feel better. I’ll be just fine, yeah. Even if this upcoming week is going to be absolute hell. But uh, what can I say? Now, I’ll have tons of free time. To ruminate, kthx.

Aw, I haven’t written in my diary for about a week. But I don’t want to, because of how emotional it has been. I’m tired of crying. Not just over this, but in general.

… And yet somehow, I just wish I could be in love with him for now than thinking about this. Oh, and it brings me to the realization that I am, indeed, socially retarded. I just keep messing things up with people lately, but it’s not like I’m going to go into that here. I’d rather have this entry pertain to only one huge problem in my life than being one huge HUGE entry that is just too emo to even be considered nominal.

But anyways. The PLAN was ridiculously easy- the easiest portion was the math portion, surprisingly. Oh, and a homie in front of me was cheating off of me. What an idiot. Why pay twelve dollars to take a test (which only tells you what you need to improve on) only to cheat? This test is only for self-evaluation, my friend. Cheating doesn’t really work here. And with those twelve dollars, you could have bought twelve chocolate-chip muffins at the student store. Shame on you, señor. Shaaaaaaaame.

I watched Garden State the other night when I was suffering from mild insomnia. It made me cry. It wasn’t an, “omgz, that movie was so sad/amazing/whatever,” it was like, “dear god, this actually pertains to me in every way possible.” It was a great movie, yeah, but it’s only because it built up over time. It was quite boring most of the time, but that’s why I watched it at two in the morning whilst awaiting for Teh Sandman.

All I know is that I need Riza right now. She’s going through the same stuff that I am right now, only on a more tragic scale. At least she’s finally doing something about it. But I can’t be with her right now, so I’ll just listen to AAR’s self-titled, because she was the reason why I bought it, five years ago.

There’s so much I want to say right now, but I don’t know where to begin. All of the things that have been happening to me as of late have forced me to reconsider my existence.

1. When it comes down to it, I can only explain my idea of what life is, as a filmstrip. With five frames, two blacked out, then one colored in, and the remaining blacked out, too. It makes things feel quite pointless because after this, there’s nothing left.
2. I am starting to lose my sense of self more and more. I guess this happens once a year, or something, but I feel no connection to my body.
3. I haven’t done everything I’ve wanted to do yet. And darn it, life’s freaking short. This is all I have.
4. Life is hard, but there’s nothing else to compare it to.

____

No, I give up. I have a right to feel angry, or doleful, or whatever- this deals with our friendship, k? I have every right to react to this the way I am.

But dude, all those promises I made before, at least I don’t have to live up to them anymore. Oh, and I don’t have to do nice things for you, just to be nice, anymore. So yeah, if that’s what you want, then you are dead to me.

God, last year was great. Stressful, but better than this.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago

… “that we sat down and I announced that it was my belief that life was to be lived and not simply contemplated. I have a suspicion that prior to this experience we spend lots of time contemplating and I am confident that after this life there will be an unlimited amount of time for thoughtful reflection.” (From the Mystery Cookie blog.)

But we won’t! Everything we want to do is crammed within these eighty years of time we occupy!

Life has been so difficult to come to terms with lately. It is impossible to live in the moment and appreciate it. By the time you realize it, it’s gone. This moment could even last forever and I wouldn’t notice. Life is virtually impossible to enjoy, because you cannot truly appreciate a moment until it has gone by.

And this isn’t a result of some ultimate plan. There isn’t a reason for this happening. It just happens, and that is what frustrates me.

I feel so incredibly lonely, I have no clue why. I hang out with the same people everyday. It’s never anything new. I would love to see an old friend.

It’s also been pretty difficult to love myself, too. Most of the time, I think I’m awesome. But I had this dream the other night of somebody that I used to know, and decidedly- I haven’t forgiven myself for losing this person (it’s a friend, okay.) It’s so difficult to love yourself when you remember every event that has happened to you. Sure, nobody else cares, but you do. Forgiving other people is pretty easy, too, but when it comes to forgiving yourself, it’s really difficult. I can’t stand myself right now. But I wouldn’t like to be anybody else either, because everyone else is stupid.

I want to stop writing now. Even if I were to keep writing and find the words to say, it wouldn’t even be the whole truth. I hate admitting these kinds of things but darn it- I’m a teenage girl, not Nelson Mandela.

Don’t forget to fill your suitcase and watch it sink

… “because where we’re going, we don’t need a thing. Not a map, a receipt, because where we’ve been is who we used to be. We started wrapping our regrets in cloth, are you defined by all the things you want? Or did you get caught up in all the things that we are not?”

Geez. I just downloaded the full version of Baby Come On by Plus 44. I only had the acoustic version before, but yah. I am in love even more so than before. :D

I woke up at six this morning to get my blood drawn. Quite obviously, I was very sleepy while we ran cross-country today. So Debbie and I ran around the school twice, in just under half an hour! Actually, we were the last people done. We almost always are. But I guess that’s fine. My thighs felt like they were going to break very soon. Surprisingly enough, they didn’t.

I don’t know. I really wish I didn’t have to do this anymore. I don’t care if I sound like an actual fifteen year old today. If you want maturity, read my other entries. There are tons of them.

I’m still a bit angsty right now, so beware.

Dear you:

Oh, I don’t know what I could possibly do without you. The two hugest secrets that I have, you actually know about. And I know how stressed out you have been, I see how hard you work. Even if you don’t feel it, everybody notices. If anything were to happen to you, I have no idea as to how I could take it. We talk almost everyday! Your sister is even one of my friends. Our mothers talk to each other every other week! Our lives are so intertwined, and yet you don’t even tell me these things. I thought we were best friends. I thought we always have been.

You really do not deserve any of the things that happen to you. You are amazing- the world just doesn’t see it yet. You always look so happy. You always do. I never see you stop smiling.

I mean, don’t you remember when we would converse over the internet when we were in sixth grade? Don’t you remember how we used to stay up until midnight talking about your first boyfriend? Do you remember when we went to the screenprinting place to put our handprints on our girl scout shirts? And when we had to sell all those darned cookies in front of the bank, and you spilled hot chocolate all over me? And remember when we cleaned up the litter along the beach, and I accidentally cut you with a piece of glass on the way to the car?

You are so important to me- I really hope you realize this. I thought you were so much cooler than I was when we were little, I really did. There’s a reason why I tried to do all the things you did. That’s why I got into origami, the All-American Rejects, Garfield, Hamtaro, heck, you’re the reason why I even got a hamster. Oh, and Neopets, haha.

Things may not be working out well for you right now, but this, too, shall pass. You’re my best friend, if I were to lose you, then I’m not sure what I would have left to live for.

If I could just move one fingernail to scratch your name into the back of my hand

… “So I would never forget you again… Just dangling between the moon and melon sunset.”

I went outside to our shed/barn thing in our backyard. We’ve had the thing for at least a few months; it seemed to come out of nowhere and I never thought I would find it “normal.” When we first had it built, I didn’t even know what it was for. I still didn’t know what it was for until today when I actually went inside. It’s pretty neat looking and I hadn’t expected the way it looked inside.

It had most of the things I seemed to have lost when we moved into this house. I used to have this box that had all of the things I found interesting when I was a child. Or things that were sentimental to me, I guess I haven’t changed in that sense. I have a box now that I keep “important” things in.

I had stumbled upon this necklace my aunt gave me in first grade. It was the first and only time I had seen her or spoken to her. She gave it to me in a restaurant, of all the places in the world. It’s so weird how relatives act like they have known you forever. And treat you like you are their child, even though you have only met them a few hours before. But anyways, this necklace was one that I absolutely loved and wore every single day of my life for the three years proceeding the day I had received it. I thought I lost it, actually. And now that I have it, I feel like a fool to have loved it so much when I was little.

… Yah. The necklace is a gold chain with a gold pendant in the middle. And in the middle of the pendant, is Jesus Christ. My aunt, as well as every other person in my family, is Catholic.

I suppose looking at this movie of my life really made me think. I also found this friendship bracelet from this girl I don’t even talk to anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hated me; seashells from Florida, when we went to to go visit Dad when he was gone. Surprisingly, whenever I think of when I got them, I only remember the hotel we stayed in. I suppose I was bemused at the time, but all I remember is this chair in the corner of the hotel room; an assortment of rocks from various occasions, including an unpolished amethyst that I had received from my now deceased first grade teacher; and a pin Riza gave me in second grade. There were plenty of other things, I just don’t remember right now.

Summer always seems to bring nostalgia upon me.

I’m repainting the mirror in my room. My mom and I painted it when I was little. It’s purple and I am repainting it olive green. I suppose olive green is, unintentionally, my favorite color now. Painting over it is such an event for me right now. My mother and I also painted a stool to help me get on my bed since it was so huge. They bought me a queen sized bed when I was very young; it took forever and a day to pick one out because it would be “the last bed I would have until I leave the house.” The stool is probably the only thing my mother and I have truly made together. I think she took over on the mirror thing.

Surprisingly, all of these thought processes were brought about as I was searching for paint.

I went into the garage and found an awesome clock, an old embroidery hoop and some fabric. I love how almost every single time I go into the garage, I come out with stuff that I didn’t even know we had. It’s almost like a garage sale! Oh, the puns, they never end.

When I graduated from elementary school, I changed my walls. When I graduated from junior high, I decided to change my walls. It seems whenever I change schools, or a huge thing happens to me; I end up changing my room around. I don’t know why, in particular. What can I say? Maybe Megan was right when she told me that I will become a philosopher.

And after reading this and the way they write and what they write ABOUT… I’m pretty darned certain Megan is right.

I don’t know. I am starting to feel like I was disappointed with my childhood because it was so diverse from what a “normal” childhood was supposed to be. This is completely against everything I have believed about societal norm. I feel I should start thinking about my opinions of my opinions, really. It seems I came to certain conclusions about things when I was young, and they were completely wrong. I think I have been doing this alot over the last couple of years (hence, the declaration of my atheism)

_______

And, I guess I should write about my analysis of myself  as opposed to the situations  I am put in. As a reward to whoever may be reading this, since they’ve gotten this far.

The hardest thing I can do is open up to somebody. Emotionally, it is extremely difficult. To give someone my absolute opinion of something without sugarcoating it, is very difficult for me to do. But then again, this may be with everybody.

I find myself to be extremely typical, despite all of my attempts to prove otherwise. And I wish I could think in any other way than that of a teenage girl. I ridicule myself for thinking about boys. And how I overreact to things. But I don’t necessarily show it. I try as hard as I can not to act like I care about these kinds of things. And despite my ability to reason things out, and despite my rational explanations for certain scenarios… I may have found the answer to something, but it’s not like I get over it that quickly. I may set my opinion up, but the event still matters to me.

When I said that I try to prove how un-typical I am, I should have said that I  try to prove it to myself. To prove to myself that I’m not as much of a hypocrite as I’m afraid to turn out to be. Because I don’t see myself through a window, and frankly, I don’t think I ever will. And I would hope that my actions reflect my thoughts, but I am not sure if that is true. And my heightened view of myself as a good person may be false. Because I think that certainty is never certain. Because there is so much bias behind every statement, and to be certain about something, is just a way of simplifying concepts.

I see myself as a good person, generally. And I do not think I am that *dare I say it* innocent. But Laurie told me that “you don’t understand how innocent you are.” and I guess, it is impossible for me to. I mean, I hardly ever lie because I find no reason to. But I find no reason to tell the truth, either. Because I find labeling a statement as such, is a pointless thing to do.  And I haven’t really done anything so maticulous to label myself as being not innocent. Despite all the evidence supporting the idea of me being truly innocent, I still cannot find myself as being that way. It’s not like I’m “in-between,” either. Because I do not find myself as being Little Red Riding Hood.

And everybody I know seems to love me for one reason or another. The general view I have of myself is a good one. I like the person I am, for the most part, but I do not understand why everybody loves me so much. And whenever I ask somebody about it, they do not give me a satisfying answer, either. Just because I am “cute”, it’s not that much of a reason to love me the way you do. No, it’s not my winning personality that makes you love me. It’s because I am “cute.” Sometimes, I feel like they don’t even mean it, like they are just saying it out of the sake to say something. Like it’s automatic and is said to everybody. When I tell somebody that I love them,  I genuinely mean it, meaning that I am overjoyed that I even know them. I have a reason to love them.

This’ll be continued tomorrow.

I know nobody’s perfect

… “But nobody wants to sound desperate, unless that’s part of what they’re trying to say. You’ve lost your way with words, or at least that’s what I heard.”

This record is so f***ing amazing, guys. This makes my birthday, haha.

The people on the news are complaining about the weather around here. It’s getting really humid, it’s terrible. But they were complaining, and I cannot help but ponder the idea that they brought this onto themselves. Yes, people, global warming! We saw this coming, all right, stop acting like this hotter-than-normal weather was not expected.

I was watching Democracy Now! today, and they were talking to this dude who made two books about the war, etc. The dude was saying that the Iraqi people had it better during Saddam Hussein’s reign as opposed to now. And I agree with him. Think about it: a normal person in Iraq during Hussein’s reign led a more or less, normal life, just so long as they weren’t politically outspoken. America made their problem worse- and have made their lives worse, time and time again. I especially love how we act like Iraqis are uncivilized and unable to care for themselves. Do they really need our help to establish a government? Are they seriously that ignorant?

Oh, and that whole thing about Scooter Libby. For you guys who don’t know, he’s the dude who sold secrets about the CIA, and Bush spared him prison time for it. So what does Amanda think about it? Oh, you’ve seen this coming. IT’S THE FREEMASONS A-COMIN’!

_________

But anyways. Today, we went to the grocery store to get some food, finally. More accurately, my mom and my brother. Almost every time my brother goes grocery shopping with either parent, they end up buying things we hardly need. Really, most of the food we have at our house now, is junk food. I can’t wait until I can buy healthy food for myself. Why is it that I am almost always the voice of reason within this household?
[/superiority complex]

I never would have imagined myself to be here a few years ago. To be a militant atheist; to be so utterly crazy; to be so wrapped up in politics and the world’s problems; to be actually entering high school; to have stopped caring about what people say about me when I’m not around; to be this bemused and living in my own world and loving it… I can’t help but feel like a part of myself is dying along with the past year. Whether it be a good thing or not, I’m unsure, but this is meaningful. I’ve been telling myself this for the past couple of days but I haven’t written it here. Darn it, I’m a personally-evolving multi-celled organism!

All those days of summer fun, I missed you more than ever

… “Absence makes the heart grow withered, but fonder still… I’m jealous of you, moon, tonight you get to see her. Alone beneath the stars, with everything I fear.”

Wheat English muffins bring the rad, ftw.

I got invited to two parties today. And I cannot go to either of them. It’s terrible, really, but I suppose I deserve it. We have the worst pop-ups lately and I think we have some kind of spyware on our computer, as well as malware since Spybot isn’t working. So I reinstalled Spybot (it gets rid of the spyware on our computer, as well as whatever else is infecting our computer) and it worked, despite the error message. The weird thing was, whenever I tried to install it again, the computer would try to close mozilla firefox AND the installation window. I was so lucky that I had more than one tab open!

But yeah, I didn’t tell my mother, mostly because she is technologically ignorant and thinks I am trying to make the computer explode- but I should’ve told her anyways, so I’m all grounded from going. It’s my fault, but I really wish I could’ve been grounded in some other way, since I have been wanting to hang out with people more this summer. But I guess that’s what punishments are for.

I ripped up one of my really old sweaters for the yarn. And then, I didn’t pay attention in the way I set it back down, so it’s all tangled now. It’ll drive me into my next lifetime, trying to untangle it all. But I should’ve paid more attention… D:

I was watching this show on timespans, and it said that if you used the age of the Earth as reference, the average human lifetime would last 1.6 seconds. I watch the most depressing things on television.

When I was little, I didn’t really expect for myself to grow up, really. I mean, yeah, birthdays came and went, I graduated from pre-school and then elementary school… But I didn’t expect my life to keep going from one moment to the next. It’s almost like I thought that after I reached a certain age before puberty, I would relive the little part of life that I had lived so far. I guess I didn’t expect to live up to the point where I would be entering high school, and have to start worrying about college and my career and all that stuff. I hadn’t really thought of the future realistically, I suppose, and that is how I had come to that conclusion.

… I guess I thought that I would live forever at a certain age and never change. So I hadn’t cared much about one-time opportunities and having fun when I was little because I thought I would live through it again later. I don’t know, I was a weird little kid.

And so I was reading some e-mails from when I was in like, sixth grade. It’s so weird thinking of people you used to know, because it seems like they stay the way you knew them, forever. Even if I got into fights with certain people, I don’t hate them for it. I had this friend a few years ago, but she moved away, and she loved me so much, but one thing happened and we got into a fight and I never talked to her again. And the weird thing is, despite the terrible fight we had, I don’t really hold her to it. I can’t imagine holding a grudge against anybody, actually. I wonder how she is doing now. But there is no way I could get into contact with her. I think she lives in Everett now.

… And the more I think about it, the more I realize how I could end up like that again, to anybody that I know now. Melancholic, no?

“Please don’t ask me to read your holy book with an open mind. I can describe my mind as open, but not so open that my common sense fails me.”

YESYESYES! I loved the de-conversion blog entry today so much, that I added it to my atheism blogroll.

I need you like water in my lungs

… “I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.”

My mother is supposed to cut my hair today. My brother is having a friend over. I am making tapioca pudding right now (from scratch, no doubt)

So, it’s time to conduct internet search part six, I believe. I’m off to venture the internets to find an awesome kirby game for SNES.

but omgz! As I was searching for super nintendo games, lo and behold- a Beavis and Butt-Head game. And a LOTR game. But the first one is cooler. I just wonder, what could that game include?

“You’ve got to help the mentally deficient duo score tickets to a GWAR concert, but the boys don’t have any cash to buy tickets. The idiots decide that taking pictures of themselves doing “cool stuff” will be enough to get them in free. In order to win the tickets you’ve got to guide Beavis and Butt-Head through four levels: “Highland High School,” the “Streets of Highland,” “Highland Hospital,” and “Turbo Mall 2000.” Each level requires you, as Beavis or Butt-Head (or both if you’re playing with a friend), to avoid enemies and solve puzzles. Once you reach the end of the game, prepare to square off against the members of GWAR themselves in a showdown of epic proportions.”

Today, I cleaned my room once more. I organized my fabric (most specifically, my scrap fabric) and my buttons. I love buttons. With a passion. If I had a million buttons, that would not be enough. Sadly, despite my love of buttons, I do not know what to do with them, really. Lame.

It seems Laurie is very bored at the location at which she is vacationing. She is actually using her e-mail address. Kind of.

So, I can proudly say that I have lost my 2004-2005 yearbook. And that I cried over it. I’ve done alot of crying over these past couple of weeks.

I’ll be blunt about it; he totally blew me off and it hurts. And I feel so stupid for finding offense in it. I mean- other people love me right now and I can’t even appreciate it. How terrible of a person does that make me? I suppose I deserve getting ninja-ed by a bicycle.

When I read the things I’ve written on here… It’s quite fascinating of how personal I get on here. But then again, nobody reads this. And even if people did, it wouldn’t matter. Because I made these people up.

So maybe it’s time for me to get emo for the first time in a very long time. Which is a good thing, I suppose. But I don’t know. Stress is a natural process which takes place whenever any kind of change occurs.

… It’s just that, I’ve been thinking alot about graduating. Not from the junior high, but from the high school. It’s going to happen sooner than I expect. And then I will no longer be a teenager, necessarily. And I’ll have to go to college. And get a job. And settle down someplace to “finish up my life”, so to speak.

And giving up my friends, more or less. And that will happen. I hate thinking of it. Oh, we’re all going to different colleges. And no matter how much effort you put into keeping in touch, it’ll eventually go away.

“I don’t know why, but we just stopped communicating.”

Oh, everybody’s going to do such great things. I really believe that. Although the abundance of the statement takes away meaning, I really think so.

I can’t imagine how somber that day is going to be, at least for me. It just won’t show up until the last twenty minutes.

… And with my father being away and everything, it’s so weird seeing my mother act this differently. I mean, she’s so cheery. And cuddly-wuddly. And just darned honest with things. I don’t know how to interpret that. Maybe she is like that with my father and when we are not around. Maybe she is displacing her loneliness with affection in excess.

… And you know, when I said these past three years were the best in my life… I take that back. I find that statement far too broad to describe my feelings. If you separate the good parts from the bad, the good parts were very good, while the bad were.. Very bad. And if you put them together to summarize it all, I don’t see them canceling each other out.

The best parts of 2004-2007:

1. Meeting Andrew McMahon
2. Getting on the radio
3. Going to Seattle with Daniella and Teagan
4. Summer school.
5. Making friends with everybody I know now
6. Maintaining most of the friendships throughout my junior high school career
7. Celebrating three more birthdays with Riza (both of ours alike)
8. The freshman dance xD
9. All the sleepovers with Megan/Karen/Riza/etc. Swt.
10. The Azteca field trips, sadly
11. Getting two ipods =D
12. Getting braces
13. Getting glasses
14. Going to California

Bad parts of 2004-2007:

1. My hamster dying
2. the whole self-mutilation thing
3. starting a whole new regimen of medication
4. all of the drama within the first year of junior high
5. All of the resulting stress from school, mostly this year
6. Going out with some dude. And then breaking up with him.
7. All the other crushes I had on dudes. Especially the one that completely messed up my eighth and ninth grade year.
8. The whole thing with Nick
9. The whole AR thing
10. Math classes.
11. Summer school.
12. Blink 182 breaking up =(
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Getting braces
15. Getting glasses

I’ve been waiting for this silence all night long

… “It’s just a matter of time to appear sad, with the same old decent lazy eye, fixed to rest on you.”

Today, WE CLEAN! And we mean it!

But uh, anyways. Tomorrow is Wednesday. “Wednesday is often referred to as “hump day” because of its position as the middle day of the work week.”

I woke up in a good mood this morning and abruptly made french toast, which turned out okay. I guess. That’s great- I can cook fettuccine alfredo; I can even cook a decent salmon; but I cannot make edible french toast. That really sucks.

I hate daytime television, but I ended up tuning into Veggietales. I just stared at the screen and hardly processed what it was throwing at me, and then I turned the television off and the darned song about rubber duckies was stuck in my head.

I cleaned my room today and accidentally set off the circuit breaker because I left the air conditioner on at the same time as the vacuum. Laaame.

But as I was cleaning everything, I saw some papers from seventh grade. Geez. Lorren’s handwriting hasn’t changed at all. Or the way she speaks. But I never realized that before.

I also found an old birthday invitation to Megan’s birthday party at this scrapbooking place. That was so much fun. That was one of the only times, however, that everybody hung out together at once, as a group, outside of school. It’s amazing how much fun I have with those people.

… Now that I think about  it, these last three years have been the best. It was somewhat dramatic, and stressful, but whenever I needed help, my friends were always there. And I never really had a group of people I could really depend on in the way that I do with my friends.  I just wish that we made more of an effort to stay together after seventh grade. We may still be friends now, but it’s not like it was before- it is pretty much broken up, instead of a group. It’s pretty much Lorren and Shelley, then Laurie, Megan and I. But maybe it was always that way and I hadn’t noticed.

You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat

… “ While the world was flying by. I haven’t been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don’t advertise. I’ve been sleeping so strange with a head full of pesticide. I got no plans and too much time, I feel too restless to unwind. I’m always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favorite neon sign, where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word.”

Geez. I’ve been using the hugest quotes to open my entries, lately. But it’s okay, because it is Bright Eyes =D

I’ve been feeling very poetic, but I feel if I were to fill up those papers once more, people would think I’m being all scene.

I worked on my anthology until eleven last night. But that was the last time I really looked at the clock. So really, I have no idea when I went to bed, but it was really late. I feel terrible, and my father will not let me sleep for more than an hour everyday!

I am starting to welcome summer with open arms, when I realized how much time I’ll have to do stuff. I started to reject the thought once I realize that I do not have a driving permit; I will probably not get one for a very long time; my parents would not let me walk places this summer; my mother’s agoraphobia (yes, seriously.) keeps her inside all summer long, because her only motivation to go anywhere is because of my father; and, ultimately, summer school. *sigh*

I was looking through the pictures we have. It turns out, mom and dad took a s***load of pictures when I was a baby; and I got to see tiny mommy! And tiny Amanda!

Oh, and as a result of seeing tiny Amanda, I realize that I am the coolest person I know. My mom told me a few days ago that I would rub her earlobes when I was a baby (I don’t know why, either) and when she would turn away, I would pinch her. I’m so awesome, I cannot believe it.

… And I guess I am just weird, but it was pretty comforting to see the pictures! For the longest time, I had believed that most of my memories from when I was little, were made up. What can I say? I read alot when I was little, and I have discovered plenty of false memories as a result.

Anthony is going to send me his arguments (finally!) after three weeks of consolation. I will win. Why do I win? Because Anthony is a clueless idiot (okay, that was a bit mean. He’s a clueless idiot who is usually smart, but the oxytocin flowing through his brain does not allow him to make appropriate judgments.) who makes up verbs. Observe:

“Even if the bible did not say homosexuality was wrong, I would still personally believe that it was wrong. Simply look at it this way; God created Adam and Eve, a woman and a man, not two men or two women. We are created (or evolutionized, depending on what you believe) perfectly for a man to be with a woman.”

Oh, and if he tells me that evolution is a theory, I think I will hit him over the head with a keyboard. Observe:

Ah. Did you think of the other kind of keyboard? Yeah. I thought so. This one looks radder.

But anyways. I got my AR points in. I am not surprised, but mom and dad were freaking out about it. I knew I’d get them in. Therefore, I wasn’t freaking out.

I didn’t really want to go and take my AR test, but Kai came with me and a good time was had by all. It was quite fun, actually. I love that dude.

Woot! The Rocket Summer’s new record is coming out on my birthday. Swt.

School’s ending in eight days, I believe. So weird to think about!

The freshman farewell was yesterday, and I didn’t go. So during the rehearsal during fifth period, everybody who wasn’t going got to go outside and play around. It was fun! Laurie said it was boring. She actually fell asleep on my lap. But then again, she can fall asleep anywhere. I guess I am just more sentimental than she is, just because her and I never seem to hang out by ourselves much.

I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I find myself saying to myself, “I wish this moment could last forever! Remember how this feels, because this probably will not happen again.” Seriously. I don’t know. Even though I am very young, I’ve been hearing tons of stuff about the world ending, and it’s made me feel really morbid.

… And about the world ending. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The Mayans were an extremely advanced people, especially in astronomy and mathematics. They cared alot about the calendar, and spent years working on it. They accurately foretold lunar eclipses and stuff, which is pretty difficult to do! They even engraved their calendar on a pyramid, and set this pyramid up in a way that when the sun passes through the pyramid during the spring and autumn equinoxes, it looks like a snake is writhing up the steps of the pyramid. And given this information, I would love to believe the world would end.

But… This whole thing about the world ending sends me down a path that yells “OMGZ! DIVINE INTERVENTION!” and the Maya did think that the world would end because of Quetzalcoatl. And, you know, this doesn’t help, either:

“The progressiveness of the Mayan culture convinced a certain sector of their fan base that the Maya were actually not human at all. This line of thinking follows the concept that the Maya are in fact aliens from another planet who traveled by the light of the stars. The belief is that the Mayans will return on December 21, 2012 to transform reality. One of the curators of this theory is Jose Arguelles, author of “The Mayan Factor: Path Beyond Technology.” Arguelles believes the Maya actually are from the star Arcturus in the Pleides cluster and materialized in Mesoamerica as “galactic agents.””

But anyways. We are making an ice cream cake in food science as our final project (we all have to make different things) and we had extra stuff today so… I ate ice cream sandwiches AND lumpia! Lumpia is amazing. I do not know anybody who despises lumpia. Lumpia is so pimpin’. (Actually, I really hate that adjective.) I love it so much, I’m going to make a song.

Lumpia Lumpia

So heavenly and true

Made by old ladies who dye their poodles blue

Lumpia Lumpia

Food of the gods

And is made of encephalopods (Not really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

Is part of a conspiracy

To overthrow the RIAA and restore piracy! (Yes, really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

How can this be so?

With you so far away and to Riza’s house not to go?

… The last part has to do with the fact that I never have lumpia outside of the quarters of Riza’s house.

OH! AND LORREN!
‘Ere is the link since I forgot your e-mail. Lame.

Oh, and excuse the bad grammar. I am very tired.

keep in mind it’s picture time

… “My smile wasn’t staged but anyway.”

The best feeling in the world: Reaching for a glass of water and realizing it is apple juice. F*** yeah.

I napped today. Which was quite nice. Until my dog barked the loudest he possibly could have, in which I proceeded to cry. Thanks.

Oh, and today I totally had a conversation with the one person I *really* care about. It was swt. And I did not act like a total bimbo. Or maybe I did, but I don’t remember. Either way, the memory is rather nice. And he looked at me awesomely. Although it had no connotative meaning, it was still pretty rad. (Actually I remember this vividly now (five minutes after I wrote this paragraph… He was all freaking out over homework. I guess the oxytocin is not flowing much through my brain right now but dude, why overreact?! )

I took a math test today and I was on the very last question and the bell rang. I was pretty lucky because my teacher is giving us extra time tomorrow. It was a bit odd though, because my teacher was handing out the test to our row and was like, “Amanda, you look so sad!” and then Cameron was like, “what’s wrong?” I was completely surprised by my teacher even asking, I wasn’t even looking sad! And if I did, it was completely unintentional. So I said, “Really? I am? I’m as happy as I can be!” it was a little weird since I never seem to get attention from any of my teachers throughout the day.

It is also weird that everybody cares so much about the dress I’m making for the dance! Every now and then somebody would ask me how it is going (and it does not have anything to do with the conversation) it’s nice. I can’t help but wonder if they are just making small talk, though. You know me and my pessimism!

I stayed a little after school today and bought my ticket for the dance *finally!*

You know what’s swt? Visual illusions. It’s cool because they had this contest and chose the top ten. They have possible explanations of how they work for most of them.

This is something almost as awesome: An article from Wired talking about how absurd security measures (like banning fake guns in school plays) are psychologically satisfying but not practical at all. Finally, the world is not as stupid as I once thought! These dudes at Wired should have my babies. Hmm..

I think it is time for me to reflect on the year. This year was pretty terrible, but I think that was due to the stress of school. What can I say? I enjoyed every single hug I received, we all had such awesome conversations. I absolutely love how my friends (from either lunch during the year) had always made me feel better. We always laughed! Which was great! If it weren’t for this year, I would not have been able to truly appreciate the people around me. This year, psychological maturation has progressed at a much faster rate than the past two years combined.

I’m trying to find some kind of atheism thing I can do to put on my portfolio. It’s something I really “believe” (if that’s the right word) in- and it’d be swt if I could do it. But then again, the separation of church and state is far from here, and some colleges may reject me for being an atheist. Sure, it’s discrimination, but I do not doubt it would happen. The *slight* psychosis I have been diagnosed with will not help either, oops!

Hah, Jerry Falwell has died. Oh, you don’t know who he is? Let me give you a brief synopsis:

1. He was a strong segregationist. He changed his mind later, but he referred the Civil Rights Movement as the “Civil Wrongs Movement”. He even wanted a book to be banned because the main character was black.

2. He advocated the death penalty for homosexuals

3. He believed public schools were bad because they condoned atheism, secularism, and humanism.

4. He opposed women’s suffrage

5. Falwell sued people. He seemed to like it too.

6. Yeah, wikipedia’d. “In November 1983, Larry Flynt’s pornographic magazine Hustler carried a parody of a Campari ad, featuring a fake interview with Falwell in which he admits that his “first time” was incest with his mother in an outhouse while drunk” Yeah, he sued them for it, too.

7. He sued some dude for making a website called Fallwell.com. I guess he missed the extra L.

8. He was anti-semitic and believed the anti-christ would present itself as a Jew. In the Middle East.

9. He claimed Tinky Winky was gay because he is purple. And has a triangle on his head. Really. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way- thank you for that link, Heather- it is a bit late but it is still pretty useful! And I’m thinking of taking some pictures, because this is the freshman dance! =D

Here’s to dying in each other’s arms

… “Oh, why did I have to try it? Here’s to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star, I’m not your star! Isn’t that what you said, what you thought this song meant?”

I love Konstantine because it alludes to “For Me, This is Heaven”, by Jimmy Eat World. *teeny bopper scream*

I saw Heather this morning but couldn’t think of anything to say.

GAH! The freshman dance! It’s what everyone is talking about and I’m going to need to take the time out of my day to get permission slips. Maybe I’ll get more than one so I’ll save somebody the trouble. Ah!

Oh, and I’ve finally decided: I’m going to pre-order Directions. That way, I won’t have to wait! And given the fact that there will be tons of promos for it which include free stuff, why not? My love for The Starting Line is truly insurmountable- I am willing!

OMGZ! TSL!!!111
/preppieness.

So, uh. You guys haven’t heard much about the devil and god raging inside me. Hmm.

Dear you:

I cannot forget those three seconds. It’s so terrible! How we hardly talked about anything. “Show him how clever you are.” And how you type. Like a total idiot. And the only thing we discussed. Was my best friend. Slightly creepy. And how you looked at me the next day with such acknowledgement! I suppose I’ll say this just like I have in the past six letters to you. If you but knew! I adore you more than you will ever know.

Appreciate the fact that I have not mentioned him in a very long time. To anybody, really, besides when he walks by, and I proclaim my adoration. But ANYWAYS!

And you know what I’ve been saying about Ted Haggert’s heterosexuality? “Some people say he puts the ‘men’ in ‘amen’.” So, here’s the youtube link! And I’m not sure if I came up with this or that dude did, but hey: “You put the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentalism’!!”

“Friday, May 13, 2005

Aev92: lol at lunch me laurie shelley and lorren and megan were carrying each other around

Aev92: it was so fun

bebes2392: haha

bebes2392: i was eating

Aev92: they said that i was really light and they were thinking of dropping me

Aev92: but then they thought

bebes2392: haha

Aev92: “its amanda, we cant drop her! she is too lovable” Aev92: thats what they told me

Aev92: lol

bebes2392: haha

bebes2392: no one should drop amanda

bebes2392: cuz shes fuzzy

bebes2392: haha

Aev92: yea lol

bebes2392: want to hear my favorite song

Aev92: okie dokie

bebes2392: IF I HAD MY LITTLE WAY

bebes2392: ID EAT PEACHES EVERYDAY

bebes2392: THEY WERE PUT INTO A CAN

bebes2392: THAT WAS MADE BY A MAN

Aev92: lol

And, uh, the way I typed at the time… Disregard it- that was two years ago. Oh, dear… I just read some of my old Xanga entries. I sounded like an idiot and wrote the stupidest things. I actually filled out memes. Alot. And loved mainstream bands. Alot. *shudder* And no, I will not provide the link. It is so full of stupidity. And unnecessary angst. And just stupid things! Never again! ANYWAYS!

Upon discovering my own beliefs, I have discovered other people’s beliefs. I don’t mean to sound so… Uh, terrible, and normally I would not even write this, but I am committing this to memory- it is so depressing how such smart people can believe in such stupid things. I should join the Rational Response Squad.

I’m so tired of my mood

… “And sleep comes with a fork, knife, and spoon… Goodbye, lay the blame on luck.”

Whew! I have not updated much this week, and for that, I apologize. Although, I have no idea as to who I am apologizing to. So, uh, yeah. *chikapow*

This week has been pretty mellow. Except for the fact that one of my best friends now has a crush on some dude that I *kind of* gave up a crush on. I am not offended or anything, but if she gushes over how wonderful he is, I will gouge my eyes out. I admit, this is a little unfair, considering that she hears me gush over the boys I like all the time. Maybe I should invest in some ear plugs. Or some time in learning how to deal with these kind of situations. That way she can get it out without me telling her to shut up (I know! It is unfair for me to act this way!)

… But I do give her alot of credit, though. From my estimation, she’s liked him for a few weeks now, and it was more or less an indulgence for her to tell me since she hardly tells anyone these kind of things (I had to ask her about it. And I definitely did not expect the answer that came forward.) She looked like she regretted saying it afterward, and she tried to remedy the situation the next day by confidently stating, “I guess I don’t like him that much anymore.”

I don’t buy it. I give her credit for it, but I definitely do not believe it. (AKA- she was just trying to get on my good side, just in case.)

So, freshman is, indeed, upon us. And I have decided I will recon one of the dresses I received from my family friend. The fabric is nice, but I’m not sure if it is *too* dressy for the occasion. It’s a cross between burgandy and maroon. It’s some form of satin fabric, maybe. It has some netting underneath for poofiness (which I am going to remove promptly- netting rubbing against your legs is the worst feeling in the world.) There’s another fabric that is stiffer and is blue (but from the side, it looks black.. You know? )

Anthony and I are still battling (which is a word that is verryyy loosely used) over creationism vs. evolution. Do you want a small portion of my arguments? Okay, what I’m going to write here is not that small. But it is small compared to the other arguments I have brought forth. And keep this in mind all the while- Anthony only sent me two paragraphs. Oh. And- I’m not even done yet; nowhere near it. I think I cited most of the things that I copied and pasted (normally I would not do that, but the way they worded it was so great, I couldn’t think of a better way to state it.) and I will bold everything that came out of my own brain.

4. Argument against omnis -

 A supernatural being cannot be omnipotent or omniscient. If a god is supernatural, then it is by definition immaterial. But this causes a problem with omniscience. If it knows everything, it also has all physical knowledge (including knowledge of physical actions). But a god is immaterial, and cannot have any physical knowledge. Therefore a god cannot be omnipotent. An example of this is walking. We have physical, muscular knowledge of how walking is done, and said knowledge is unconsciously used every time we walk. A god cannot acquire this knowledge because it is incorporeal. Also, being omnipotent causes a problem with omniscience.

If a god is omniscient, then it also has moral knowledge (including knowledge of emotions). But a god is omnipotent, and therefore cannot be frustrated, angry, or have any other negative emotion - for it can change the nature of the universe and solve its problem instantly. A god cannot be both omnipotent and omniscient for this reason.”

3. Science, morality and logic presuppose the absence of gods.

 Scientific inquiry always assumes that the nature of entities is uniform and therefore that there are no such things as miracles (a miracle being usually defined as a break from the law of identity applied to the behaviour of objects, i.e. to causality). As science’s track record so far is excellent, there is reason to cast doubt on the notion of miracles and divine intervention in general. Morality and logic both depend on reality, as any form of knowledge does, and they are necessarily what they are. But if they were created by a god, then they become conditional (be it directly on the god’s nature or his decisions), which is a contradiction. Furthermore, particular religious moralities are contradictory, since religious texts are contradictory on points of morality. To resume : since religion’s epistemological basis is against knowledge, there is good reason to disbelieve in gods, otherwise we have to reject all forms of “secular knowledge” like science, morality and logic (and banning logic effectively bans all of cognition). http://www.objectivethought.com/articles/nogod.html -

 God is not a person or a powerful being. God is an idea.

Atheism proof:Here, I show that the god of the Bible (hereafter, called God) is a being for whom existence is logically impossible. To begin, I define a concept, specify the concept of God as such, and examine that concept’s claim to intelligibility as an object of faith. Let us begin by exploring the definition of a concept. A concept is defined by Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as “something conceived in the mind,” like a thought or notion, and “an abstract or generic idea generalized from particular instances.” 1 The concept of God requires a finite array of mutually dependent properties derived from the Bible. Properties include, but are not limited to, the following: * Creator of universe (Genesis 1:1) * Omnipotence (Genesis 17:1) * Omniscience (Psalm 139:1-6) * Omnipresence (Psalm 139:7-13) God as the creator of the universe is self-explanatory. Omnipotence means all-powerful, omniscience means all-knowing, and omnipresence means everpresent everywhere. Omnipotence entails omniscience and omnipresence. The concept becomes incomplete or unintelligible if:

 1. At least one of these properties is shown to contradict one or more other properties, or 2. At least one of these properties is shown to be internally contradictory I find a number of cases in which (1) and (2) prove true. I will consider one case proving (1) in which the property that God as creator of the universe contradicts the property that God is omnipotent and one case proving (2) in which the property that God is omniscient is internally contradictory.

First, consider God’s creation of the universe. It is necessarily true that a creator creates for a purpose. To have a purpose is to have a desire. To have a desire is to lack the object of that desire. Yet, God is omnipotent and one who is omnipotent has no desire to create, given that such a desire entails a lack of attainment or power. Thus, it necessarily follows that God cannot simultaneously be a creator and omnipotent. Second, consider the property of God’s omniscience. Omniscience is the knowledge of everything. This implies that knowledge is composed of a finite set of knowable things. Yet, God cannot know that he knows everything without knowing something about everything, and this metaknowledge must necessarily exist outside the set of all knowable things.

Metaknowledge is knowledge about knowledge, so it is a form of knowledge in its own right. Thus, to know everything that can be known, God must know everything that can be known plus the fact that he knows everything. This presents a contradiction. Therefore, omniscience is an internally contradictory property and God cannot be omniscient. Given these contradictions, the concept of God is unintelligible. Other properties of God are given in the Bible, but those I have listed suffice to prove that God cannot be known at a basic, conceptual level. The statement “God exists” is not only unproven, but also unprovable, since the concept of God is unintelligible. No unintelligible concept can exist. To use a common example, no square circles can exist, because the properties of squares and circles are fundamentally incompatible, leaving the concept of a square circle internally contradictory. Since that which is actual must be known conceptually, that which is internally contradictory in concept cannot be internally consistent in actuality. In short, an unintelligible concept cannot exist, God is such a concept, so God cannot exist. -http://uberkuh.com/node/271

 A Perfect Creator Cannot Exist

1. If God exists, then he is perfect.

1. If God exists, then he is the creator of the universe.

1. If a being is perfect, then whatever he creates must be perfect.

1. But the universe is not perfect.

1. Therefore, it is impossible for a perfect being to be the creator of the universe.

1. Hence, it is impossible for God to exist.

[5] The Paradox of Omnipotence

 1. Either God can create a stone that he cannot lift, or he cannot create a stone that he cannot lift.

1. If God can create a stone that he cannot lift, then he is not omnipotent.

1. If God cannot create a stone that he cannot lift, then he is not omnipotent.

1. Therefore god is not omnipotent. [8] -http://www.colorado.edu/philosophy/vstenger/Godless/Summary.htm

- The concept of god varies from religion to religion. The concept of god also varies from culture to culture, judging from the way he supposedly “works his magic”. The concept of the same god molds itself to accepted cultural norms and values. Does this prove the concept of god is ridiculous? That god does not truly exist, but is just formed within the mind?

 - If dead infants go to Heaven, shouldn’t theist parents sacrifice themselves to hell by killing their children?

 - God is not moral for creating evil, whether it has free will or not.

- Anyone who thinks of Satan as evil should consider all the men, women, children, and animals who have died because it was “God’s will”.

- The bible was created during the first millenia by a group of people trying to make sense of the world around them. It has absolutely no scientific basis or even moral basis- it is a story and should be referred to as such. It has as much credibility as “Alexander’s Absolutely Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day”

-It is not like there are two laws of probability — one for Christians who pray and the other for non-Christians. There is only one law of probability because prayers have zero effect. Jesus has no effect on our planet no matter how much we pray.

-Exodus Chapter 21, verse 32: If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull must be stoned. Not only does God condone slavery, but here God places a value on slaves — 30 shekels of silver. Note that God is not sophisticated enough to understand the concept of inflation. It is now 3,000 years later, and a gored slave is still worth 30 shekels of silver according to God’s word.

 - If god is omnipotent/onmiscient/etc, wouldn’t god impregnate another woman to bear another son so he won’t be lonely in heaven while his “only begotten son” is sent to earth? It really is quite amazing when you think about it. We take Jesus, the Ten Commandments, heaven and hell completely for granted. Nearly every person in America has heard of them, and few would question their existence. The place where these core concepts originate is the Bible. Without the Bible, these concepts would not exist. The Bible has a gigantic impact on the lives of people around the world. The only reason it has this impact is because Christians believe that God is the author.

Let’s say that the Bible were not the word of God. Imagine that it was written by a group of random men 2,000 or 3,000 years ago and God had nothing to do with it. Would you believe in heaven and hell? Would you believe in the Ten Commandments? Would you believe in Jesus? No. Of course not. If primitive men wrote the Bible rather than God, no one would care about the Bible. Homer was a primitive man, and 3,000 or so years ago he wrote a book called “The Odyssey.” In this book Homer talks about a Cyclops, a goddess named Athena and a place called Hades, along with many other things. Do we believe any of it? Of course not — it was a fanciful story written by a man. We ignore the Odyssey in our daily lives because the author was human.

- If you are going to believe that the Ten Commandments came from God because they are in God’s Bible, then you must also believe that all of these slavery passages came from God as well. Therefore you, Justice Scalia and everyone else who believes that God wrote the Bible should be perfectly comfortable with the slave trade. Christians must believe that all the laws that forbid slavery in the United States defy God’s word, and we should be actively working to repeal them.

- If you do not believe that God wrote the slavery passages in the Bible, then the obvious question to ask yourself is this: How can you possibly know which parts came from God and which parts were inserted by primitive men? How can you pick and choose like that? You have absolutely no way to know whether the slavery passages came from God or primitive men.

- Here is the logic expressed in Leviticus chapter 5: “Today I accidentally touched something that was ‘ceremonially unclean,’ and I didn’t know about it at the time, but fortunately a priest brought it to my attention, and I am guilty. Now, I can’t afford a lamb. But I can get two young pigeons for a shekel over at Saul’s bird emporium, and then I can take them both to the priest. He will wring the head from the neck of one of them, but not sever it completely. And he will sprinkle the blood, and drain the rest. And then the priest will burn the other pigeon. Then I am forgiven. Thank God!” What does your common sense tell you about this? It probably tells you that it is impossible to imagine an all-loving, all-knowing God demanding this, and you are correct.

- In Numbers 31:14-18 we find: “Moses was angry with the officers of the armym the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds who returned from the battle. “Have you allowed all the women to live?” he asked them. “They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the LORD in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the LORD’s people. Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.” Making sex slaves of women apparently is God’s will.

- Have you ever thought about how bizarre the crucifixion story is? Imagine the all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the universe sitting on his magnificent throne in heaven. He looks down onto earth and says to himself:

Those evil humans down on earth. I hate what they are doing. All this sin… Since I am all-knowing I know exactly what the humans are doing and I understand exactly why they commit each sin. Since I created the humans in my own image and personally programmed human nature into their brains, I am the direct author of all of this sin. The instant I created them I knew exactly what would happen with every single human being right down to the nanosecond level for all eternity. If I didn’t like how it was going to turn out, I could have simply changed them when I created them. And since I am perfect, I know exactly what I am doing.

But ignore all that. I hate all these people doing exactly what I perfectly designed them to do and knew they would do from the moment I created them… So here’s what I am going to do. I will artificially inseminate a virgin. She will give birth to an incarnated version of me. The humans will eventually crucify and kill the incarnated me. That will, finally, make me happy. Yes, sending myself down and having the humans crucify me — that will satisfy me. I feel much better now.

It makes no sense, does it? Why would an all-knowing being need to have humans kill himself (Jesus is God, after all) to make himself happy? Especially since it is a perfect God who set the whole thing in motion exactly the way he wanted it? The whole story of the crucifixion is absurd from top to bottom if you actually stop to think about it.

- At some point, Christians have to accept the evidence that we all can see: Either God wrote the Bible, or he did not. If he did, then he is wrong, and we should reject the Bible and him. If he did not, then we should reject the Bible.

- In the New Testament of the Bible — God’s holy word to his creation — it says that it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church. In 1 Timothy chapter 2 it says, “I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.” … Men in the first milennia were obviously very protective of their women. So much so that they would choose to stereotype woman as being submissive so their women will not go sleeping around. Either that, or god does not want his women sleeping around, or for them to teach, have authority over men, or speak their thoughts. The choice is yours- did god make the bible, or did slave-owning, women-oppressing men write it? The bible is the only “proof” of god- so if he didn’t make it, then there is no god. God is imaginary.

- If god knows EVERYTHING, then why does he say “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” He obviously does not know his stuff. At all. You’d think he’d know this stuff after the whole Mary Magdelene + God = Jesus thing, but he does not.

- In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 we find this: “If a man meets a virgin who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are caught in the act, the man who lay with her shall give fifty shekels of silver to the young woman?s father, and she shall become his wife. Because he violated her he shall not be permitted to divorce her as long as he lives.” Note the third verb in the first sentence. Not “dates her for a period of time, and decides they are ‘ready’”, he “seizes” her. So God says if a man rapes a woman, he gets to marry her. Awesome. Just look at how men in primitive countries like Afghanistan treat women today. Those are the kind of men who wrote the Bible. God had nothing to do with this book.

 - If god is all-powerful, all-knowing, etc. Then why did he not just write the bible himself, without hiring a group of people to do it for him? 

… And Anthony send me this: 

So, since we are indeed people pursuaded by logic and reason, I can clearly state that if the bible is true, then the entire Christian faith is in fact true, could I not? Well, there are several things that lead to the proof of the bible. First, let us delvge into the realms of logic. We can logically say that the smaller the time gap between the original work and the oldest existing copy, the more accurate it is, correct? Works including Aristotle’s Poetics, Caesar’s Gallic Wars, and Homer’s Iliad all have very large time gaps between the original and oldest copy, which alone compromises their accuracy (1400 years, 1000 years, and 500 years between the original and oldest copy, respictively) However, the New Testament of the bible has less than a 100 year time gap, proving to be one of the most accurate of ancient works to date. Another logical proof would be the greater number of copies, the more accurate it is. Well, works such as Aristotle’s Poetics, Caesar’s Gallic Wars, and Homer’s Iliad have a minimal number of ancient existing copies, only 5, 10, and 643 manuscripts, respectively. However, the New Testament has over 20,000 ancient manuscripts in existance. Every single one of these copies would mean nothing if they were hypocritical, or say the same thing. In Homer’s Iliad, a total of 764 lines (5%) are doubtful. However, the New Testament has only 40 lines (.5%) doubted, and this amount is due to translation errors, such as an “I” changing to a “We”, disagreements between the subject and the verb, and similar errors. Sir Frederic Kenyon, the Director of The British Museum stated “Both the authenticity and the general integrity of the books of the New Testament may be regardeds as finally established.” I have alot more stuff, but I’ll just leave you to ponder that ;D

… And this is what I told him. All of this is from my own brain, dude.

So, we are indeed people persuaded by logic and reason, and I can clearly state that if the bible is, indeed, false, then what could one assume of the Christian faith? The bible is rather absurd and very hyprocritical. Fundamentalism is also a hypocrisy because it denies god’s will, if god existed, that is. Why is the bible absurd and hypocritical? Because it contradicts itself. Alot.:

 On the day Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with the stone tablets containing the Ten Commandments, he discovers that the Israelites have created a golden calf. To punish the people, Moses gathers a group of men and takes the following action in the book of Exodus, Chapter 32: Then he [Moses] said to them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.’ “

The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. So… one minute we have God carving into stone, “Thou shalt not kill.” Then, the next minute we have God telling each man to strap a sword to his side and lay waste to thousands. Wouldn’t you expect the almighty ruler of the universe to be slightly more consistent than this? 3,000 dead people is a lot of commandment breaking. Obviously, that is a total contradiction. The reason why you find contradictions like that in the Bible is because God is imaginary.

Somewhere within the bible, it says to stone the people who do not believe in god. In the revelation, it claims that when the world ends, all the people who did not believe or worship god will be tortured in hell for eternity, because god only saves the people who believed in him (that’ll teach ‘em!)

But would the god that we have come to know and love, be more compassionate than that? Isn’t killing people who do not believe in him a bit selfish? And you know, this video really helps prove my point:

http://godisimaginary.com/video2.htm

Thus, we can logically state that it does not matter the time gap between the original copy of the bible and the reproductions. If the content is false, then it’s pointless to discuss. If I were born a hundred years ago and I created a copy of my spanish project, La Creacion Del Mundo, which involves a magical spaghetti monster creating the world to amuse himself, claimed it were to be true, distribute it, and have the most ancient copy be fifty years later, then what would that prove? Absolutely nothing, because my book would be a complete lie (though, it would be comparable to the bible, since God and the FSM are, indeed, imaginary.)

Another thing: what do we know about the creators of the bible, seeing as we are assigning them such credibility? I understand that some pope or something created book of revelation, but just so you know- the dude who created that book was exiled in an island by the dude who was in charge of Rome at the time, and this was during a huge war. The pope wrote the book to bring hope to the Christians, so they understand that even though the world may have been terrible at the time, god was still there for them.

Given this piece of information, interpreting the bible literally would be illogical. The credibility of the bible and the amount of bibles distributed have nothing to do with each other. You know the metaphor I used earlier? Exactly. http://hometown.aol.com/abdulreis/myhomepage/index.html
I believe you’d like to read that, as well. Sure, it’s an AOL homepage, but it’s freaking great.

And here is my list why god does not exist, it’s a very rough draft that I came up with yesterday, but I suppose it works.

1. the idea of a deity helps people cope with life. It makes people feel better and that things are, ultimately, worth it. Of course, if someone does something bad to me, I would love to think that they are going to get avenged in the future because of it, despite the low probability of it happening. Of course, I would like to believe I will be rewarded for all the good things I have done when I die, and ultimately go to heaven. And yes, I would also love to believe there is one person who cares about everybody so much, and me specifically, to help me get through life. Who would not like to think this? But, sadly, one cannot will such beings into existence.

2. The idea of a deity is based on the ignorance of man trying to explain the world in terms he can understand. There has never been proof of God ever existing.

3. If everyone believed that there is no ultimate being, the world would be a hopeless place. What is there to live for if there is no reward at the end? What is there to live for if you have no means to prove yourself to this ultimate being?

4.”All of [the religions] are trying to heighten man’s place in a world of catastrophe and pain. “

5. There is no real proof why these beliefs are “good for you”.

- People once believed that common ailments such as headaches, were caused by evil spirits locked away in your skull. These people practiced “bloodletting”, which included draining a person of their blood to get rid of the bad spirits thriving inside them.

- People have sacrificed animals and other people, in hopes of getting on god’s good side. Wouldn’t they be so disappointed, that no god exists? - People have mutilated their childrens’ genitals, for the same reason.

 6. Living by a doctrine must really suck.

7. If everyone believes in a god, then why do they all believe such diverse things? Christian scientists do not believe in medication at all, yet their other religious neighbors use medicine all the time.

8. The whole idea of god is a lazy explanation for how the world works. The idea of science is out the window, while “God did it.” is embraced.

9. Man is an animal and not a special creation or divinely destined creature. I believe someone once said that humans are just a group of really lucky primates, which is completely true.

10. Theism manifests self-centered arrogance, the height of unfounded pride, and pompousness egotism.

- Heaven is a reward for living and doing well in life. (but, have you ever wondered… there is a theory that every person is good at heart. so would that mean that everyone goes to heaven? )

- Hell is where the people who do bad things go (but have you ever wondered.. If hell really worked the way people think, then wouldn’t we all go to hell? Or the small (or even, big) inconvienence someone caused us is not enough for them to go to hell? What is defined as a big enough occurrance to go to hell, or one that is small enough to receive a get-out-of-jail-free card? )

- “The arrogance of Christianity is seen in the purpose of God for man. I must ask why the omnipotent creator of heaven and earth needs lowly me to do anything? The child likes to play in his backyard and pretend that the general has called him on a secret and very important mission to accomplish. The same type of childish motive is found in Christianity. I am commissioned to bring a message to those around me who do not have it, in order to establish their hearts as dwelling places for God. Souls are at risk! The mission is crucial! Why didn’t the almighty bother to take the time and implant his important knowledge in everyone’s mind? Why does the almighty need me to do anything he could do by the slightest of thoughts? If there is humility in serving God and trusting some unknown higher power to reveal the deep mysteries of life, then where is the humility in believing in only one God? Why not a god for the trees, the animals, the different rocks, and the seas, and mountains? Are polytheists more humble?”

- Most good scientists are atheists. That is because the idea of religion clouds up ones’ mind, thus making valid conclusions a difficult task. What does that say about religion?

11. If God created the world, then who or what created god, then?

12. If there is an all-powerful god, why would such a god need to create the world? The god could satisfy himself all he wants.

13. And if you’re wondering, I have two theories of how the world was created. The first, is the scientific, and the world was created accidentally. The latter, is the world is an illusion created by the viewer (which is me.)

14. The whole religion idea is contradictory. I am told that God is love by people who have ruthlessly killed other people. I am told to stay a virgin until I am married by priests who rape little boys. I am told to stay faithful to my future husband, by the same men who rape little boys. So many crimes have been committed in the name of god- why should I give in and believe the contradiction?

15.ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN:

“Now, when authority fails, theists bring in reason and science. I have to admit I was impressed at some of these arguments first, but a fundamental flaw is evident. The argument from design claims that all the order and complexity we see in the universe around us cannot originate spontaneously and must therefore come from the hand of a Designer. They cite the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which must be the most abused of the laws of nature… The law says that the total amount of “disorder” (entropy) in a closed system must increase over time (my physics might be lacking here, but you get the idea). Theists understand that the Second Law doesn’t allow life and galaxies (for example), which are complex, to emerge spontaneously from anything; therefore God must have created them. This is all very nice, but the Second Law says “the total amount”. It doesn’t forbid a local decrease of entropy, such as life emerging on Earth (an open system); the total amount of entropy in the universe does increase, but variations are allowed. (As for galaxies, bear in mind that most of the universe is vacuum, in an almost completely disordered state; and the stars in all galaxies will eventually die out too and join it.) In any case, suppose you need a creator to wind everything up. What does that say about the creator? Does it say It is omniscient or omnipotent? Does it say It is the supreme Good, Wisdom and Justice? Does it say It can communicate with us? Of course not. The argument from design impressed me because it showed me how many things modern science can’t explain (such as how exactly life assembled itself from simple chemicals, or how the laws that govern star formation are as they are), but I instantly saw (and I’m really not a “think fast” person) that it proved nothing: it only sowed doubt and presented a nebulous hypothesis which didn’t deserve its name, because it explained nothing. I could use the same argument to “prove” the existence of any kind of god, but only to people who already believed in It and needed some pseudo-scientific reassurance.”

16.MOTIVES FOR BELIEF

 ”I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” (Stephen Roberts) The theist believer might at this point, understandably, be tired of philosophy and arguments. I agree. This is not why I don’t believe in God, actually. These are the reasons I can give when people don’t understand anything else, even though they sound like complicated excuses. The Bible says one must reject worldly wisdom and become a simple person who takes what God gives and tries to follow His Will. Unfortunately, I have a strong interest in worldly wisdom, and I understand I can be simple and enjoy what surrounds me (such as the beauty of nature, love and friendship) without having to renounce to reason and science, which only increase the respectful awe I feel before the universe and its infinite web of cause and effect. The existence of God is difficult (I’d say impossible) to prove. God is an incredibly complicated hypothesis. God cannot be felt with our normal senses except when He performs a miracle — and then we may not know whether it was a miracle indeed. It’s more economical (in scientific terms) to suspend belief in God, since He’s so difficult to prove and seemingly so difficult to understand. Therefore, we atheists are on the good side of the argument — we don’t need to prove anything. That burden rests with the believer. Are you a believer? If so, answer me: why do you believe in God? (You already have an idea of how difficult it is to explain it.) Is it because you were taught so? That’s indoctrination. Is it because you saw Him or a manifestation of Him? If so, how can you be sure it was not a natural phenomenon, or a hallucination, or mere self-delusion? You prove God to me! The explanations for my disbelief are only intended for clarification, to put things in order, and to expose them to doubters who need help (as I did). I don’t need any of them, really. It’s not that I don’t believe in God because I have studied those complicated arguments; they came afterwards. So what are my motives? I don’t believe in God for the same reason I don’t believe in things people don’t believe, such as Santa Claus or spontaneous generation. Santa Claus doesn’t exist; he cannot exist in our universe, for a number of reasons. If you believe in God, ask yourself how He is different from Santa. After you have somehow refuted the natural and philosophical arguments, you can still say you feel God in your heart — but then, when you were a child, did you not feel Santa in your heart, late at night in Christmas? (take your pick from other religions, if you will; you will surely find appropriate examples). This is not blasphemy. Don’t take offence where none is intended. These are honest questions. I have already answered them for myself, after much pondering.”

17. The existence of God is unfalsifiable, therefore, it is unscientific.

________________________ 

This is just the tip of the iceberg, dude. I could keep on writing, but it’s time for me to sleep. Ah, aren’t I such an ambitious person? I’ve been so competitive over this- I told you- he will be proven wrong. Oh, and realize those are not all the arguments. I wrote some up and gave them to him during math. I think those arguments were more thought-out than these and better. But whatever. All this overwhelms his two-paragraphs. And I’m going to keep on trucking.

 I had two tests today. But that is not interesting so I am not going to elaborate.

Uh. I cannot think of much else to say, so I’ll try and squeeze out a paragraph out of nothing:

“You know, Amanda, your smile really illuminates a room.”
That is what Ms. Mygatt informed me of within the first hour of the bell ringing. Hmm. What can I say? Oh, I said “Awesome.” back. Maybe I should have said “Thank you so much!” or something of the sort, but I obviously was way too interested in the boy that was about to come into the classroom.
Gene is now in our first period class. That dude is rad. I hardly know him and I have had miniscule conversations with him throughout the year (mostly pertaining to what is going to happen in english class. I suppose this ritual is about to abruptly end.) but he seems cool. He’s been hanging out with me and everyone else quite a bit lately, which is neat because he’s a really cool dude to have around.
My brother is about to have braces installed upon his pearly whites. Therefore, my mother and I have been spending hours on end inside the orthodontist’s office, been forced to converse with the people at the desk, and I have certainly been placed in a few awkward situations (I saw Paolo. And Cullen. And Katarina. I only said hello to Cullen because he’s someone that I have actually conversed with within the last six months.)
Total hours spent at the orthodontist’s office this week (most specifically, the waiting room): Roughly in the area of 3-5 hours.

 Yeah. Now do you get it?!

Laurie is still absent and I have virtually no way to communicate with her twin brother. Or Laurie. I really hope she’s feeling kind-of okay, she’s never been gone from school this long. She never uses her e-mail and I lost her number so… =(

And you know what makes me almost feel like I’m on methamphetamines?! This does. Oh, but TSL, you will just have to wait for a few hours. I’m on a different computer! =(

 But YES! This summer is going to be so rad.

05-08-07: VA - Punk Goes Acoustic 2

05-22-07: We Are The Fury - Venus

05-29-07: Firescape - Dancehall Apocalypse

06-12-07: Firescape - Dancehall Apocalypse (I guess they are not sure yet, xD)

 06-26-07: Boys Night Out - Self Titled

06-26-07: My American Heart - Hiding Inside the Terrible Weather

07-10-07: Down To Earth Approach - Come Back To You

07-17-07: The Rocket Summer - Do You Feel

07-17-07: Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me (And guess what? YES! MY BIRTHDAY!!!! =D) 

 But what do you not see on the list? Exactly! THE STARTING LINE! /teeny bopperness.

And with the summer nearing its head… I’m not quite sure. I admit- I am pretty darned scared about the whole going-to-high-school thing. It’s not that bad, but it’s still pretty scary. I guess it’s just the anticipation of another year, with the addition of going to a new school and, most importantly, leaving CKJH.

When I started going to jr. high, I expected to go back to elementary school every now and then. I don’t do that. But I know that it just takes some getting used to. (No, I’ll be really honest here. I’m dreading summer because it means that school ends. I don’t know why, it’s not high school starting really, it’s just that… Well, things change, and given the last two summers, I feel a great distance between my friends as the summer comes. Oh, and the horror of summer school.) But yes, the wonderful summer approaches.

Warm weather, unlimited time to do ANYTHING (summer school is excepted..) and despite the hard work- summer school is much better than what we receive at school. Oh, and El Paso at the end of the summer. *squeals* Note the length of this blog entry. Yes. Just for you (whoever you may be.)

I was taken by your permanent high

… “Never needed a guillotine to get you off my mind, you were swept up in the buzz of a marriage, I was sercretly hoping one of us would die… You’re just like your dad, surprise, you don’t only share his eyes, it’s the drink that’s in your hand that has a knack for telling terrible lies.”

I nearly fell asleep in math and science today. The saddest thing is- I wasn’t terribly bored. Ms. Quick and Samson realized this, they were looking at me a little funky.

We started watching the nineteen ninety six version of Romeo and Juliet. As cliche as it is- I nearly melted when I saw Romeo. And- I absolutely love anything that has to do with Claire Danes, so that makes the movie. I was all dewy-eyed when they found out that they were enemies- I can only imagine how it’ll be when they die at the end.*le sigh*

Food Science was not terrible- Cody, Anabel, and Spencer are in my cooking group thing- so we’ll have fun. Apparently Riza has shared some glowing reviews of me to Cody; he was complimenting me the whole time about how great I supposedly am at cooking. He actually told me this:

“Riza tells me everything.”

I thought that I was the last person that anybody would ever bring up in a conversation- so it was a weird realization. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but it’s a bit O.o

DigiTools was awesome. We have complete free time. And when I get back from lunch, I get to see the aesthetically pleasing dude at his locker. The best part is- he’s seeing me, too. *blush* I realized yesterday that we