I’ll make a list because I want to

and because I was daydreaming about making a list so I’ll write down what I day-dreamt.

1. I will go to sleep early.
2. I will not converse with Anthony Egan about random crap until nine.
3. I just discovered a webcomic involving Lincoln and other relatively famous and un-famous people. I’m in love.
4. I’m talking to Cody which is cool because he’s my favorite person right now. Dear god, I hope I don’t end up conversing with him until nine about random crap.
   • He talks about Spongebob and I have no clue.
   • He talks about pokemon and I have no clue.
   • But we both bash religion so it’s k.
   • Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     but seriously
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     watch the holy grail
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     you wil lol your feminine underpants off

   Uh, yeah, I think I’m good now, haha.

Why I am an angry atheist.

I think this entry will do more to elaborate upon my last entry. I will probably update this often. Enjoy.

Wow, this week was absolutely terrible. It was mostly because as much as I try to admit that I feel better, I don’t, and I should not still be thinking about this since I haven’t spoken to her in months. I suck.

Except when I don’t. :3

Aw, at least we’ll all die someday and this won’t mean anything. Despite everything, I hate how true that statement is.

… And I totally refuted the point about the importance of personality tests. Basically, here is what my teacher told me:

“This test is how you are.”

What I love is that I was the only skeptical person in the room. Everyone else willingly accepted this as truth. Really- is everyone that insecure about their convictions about themselves?

I couldn’t believe it. And I looked like a weirdo or an idiot because I refuted him. If I think it’s wrong and he fails to prove me otherwise, I’m not going to accommodate him. He basically told me that those results were indoctrinating in relation to my personality. Uh, yeah, now I realize why Zoe transferred out.

I’ll be as antagonistic as I want to be. Obviously, everyone else in the room was willing to accept it just because our teacher said it- and they were arguing against me about it, too, so the conversation would end. I’ve read more psychology textbooks than any of the other students- I have not read one that encourages the use of personality tests for practical or even personal purposes. In fact, I haven’t read one that even views personality tests in a positive light. I won’t say I know more than the teacher does (but that is by a very slim margin) but I do know more than the other students, who are taking the class because they are primarily interested in pop psychology. God, I’m angry.

… And yeah, he hit me with, “They’ve been using these tests for centuries!”

Shall I list the logical fallacies? Yes, I shall!

1. Appeal to Belief
2. Appeal to Common Practice
3. Appeal to Emotion
4. Argumentum ad antiquitatem

Everyone can suck it.

‘Nuff said.

Napoleon’s tailor dressed him in a giant hat,

“… and funny platform shoes. He said anyone can be a hero, you just got to force people to look up to you.”

So I expected that they wouldn’t pick me, but it really wasn’t enough. I’m trying hard to remain as selfless as I can be. I know this isn’t a personal attack. I know that there are people who are better than I am at this. Taking me could potentially ruin our chances at state. This is a competition. If they could take everyone, they would. They just can’t. I shouldn’t be taking this so hard.

But anyways. I went to the diversity alliance meeting today. We made posters. I left early with Melissa. I feel so terrible about it, though. I impose on her time with John. As misanthropic as I am, I am trying very hard to understand that she, like most people, appreciates the time spent with her significant other. It’s not just that, though. I don’t do it on purpose. If Debbie and I were cool, then I wouldn’t be doing this to her. The more often this happens, the more I feel I am a burden to her.

We have to take a personality test online for AP Psychology. Uh. Dear god- ALL of these traits can apply to ANYONE. This is comparable to astrology. I can’t believe I have to do this.

… “Are you sometimes rude to people? Rate how much you agree with this statement from one to five, five meaning agree, one meaning disagree.”

Dude, like, don’t even go there.

Not to mention how terribly wrong the results were. It suggested that:

1. I  do not seek out new experiences.
   • Seeking new experiences is what life is about. Why would I deny myself that?
2. I am “neither organized or disorganized.”
   • Er, way to be even less helpful than you were originally.
3. I tend to shy away from social situations.
   • I’m quite the social person. I have tons of friends. I giggle myself into a stupor so other people don’t feel uncomfortable, kthx.
4. I find it easy to express irritation with others.
   • Only sometimes. Which is not often.
5. I am generally relaxed.
   • Actually, that’s quite correct. Except when it’s not.

Er, yeah, that was fail. I expected more since this was an assignment for school. How wrong I was.

So that’s my rant for today. I now have to get started on the four math lessons I have to do, and prepare myself for the quiz. That is tomorrow. And I have no clue what this limit sequence thing means. Uh, yeah, I’m pretty angry.

And even then- the thought’s so soothing.

Cold War Kids. Yeah. I’m digging them now.

But anyways.

So the guy I like has a crush on another girl within our circle of friends. I’m really not supposed to know this.

K. So I got over him. I got over everyone else. And when I’m absolutely, positively ready to try something new- I find this out. Come on.

And I have every right to be.

1. I am frustrated because the only seemingly available vessel restrains me because it is the wrong time.
2. I am frustrated because I have/had to keep it a secret, once more.
3. I am frustrated because this will mean virtually nothing.
4. I am frustrated because I mean virtually nothing.
5. I am frustrated because the one person that I truly dislike is the person he loves right now.
6. I am frustrated because inaction is the only option I have.
7. I am frustrated because I do not particularly care about hurting anyone.
8. I am frustrated because acting upon my feelings will ultimately result in me being hurt.
9. I am frustrated because no matter how I set this up, there isn’t a way around it- I can’t do anything.
10. I am frustrated because the more we hang out, the more I realize how compatible we really are.
11. I am frustrated because this questions my values, but that fact means very little to me.
12. I am frustrated because this ultimately faces me with the fact that I am a hypocrite.
13. I am frustrated because despite all the agony that I went through to get to this point, it will remain unrecognized.
14. I am frustrated because nothing I ever do seems to get me anywhere.
15. I am frustrated because I am constantly tricked by an illusion of change.
16. I am frustrated because I know we will probably go nowhere.

I am something. You are something. We are nothing together.

Gosh- the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that there’s no way I live in a solipsist world. I could not have possibly done this to myself.

Or, inversely, the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that this world is a solipsist one. The real world could not possibly _be_ this stupid.

And dance round the room to accordion keys

We might go to Ikea tomorrow. Instead of going to the seminar since I don’t think I’d enjoy myself too much, even if I paid fifteen dollars to register.

I bought clotted cream, scone mix, and lemon curd over the internet yesterday. For like, ten bucks so I could use my free shipping coupon code. Yeah, I just put tons of filler into my basket because the only thing I really wanted was clotted cream. In order to buy it, I had to order three of them to use the code. I suck. I’ve never tried clotted cream before and I bought three of them to save almost thirty dollars on shipping and handling. The payoff is reasonable, but I still feel pretty stupid in spending ten bucks on food. Over the internet.

I also bought One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest for my brother’s birthday. It’s about time he reads a book, especially a classic like this. Except I doubt he’d read it. I bought it used, but still, I spent a good seven bucks on it. I also bought myself a collection of the greatest existential works or something. I was hoping to buy the dictionary of existentialism, but it is, indeed, a hundred dollars. I thought the library was kidding or something.

I keep having these stupid dreams that are replete of paranoia. I don’t particularly care about it anymore, but it still haunts me in my dreams and eats away at my soul.

I’ve been addicted to Ask MetaFilter. I would love to join, but I would feel really dumb paying five bucks just for a membership. It makes sense why they have the fee there, but it would feel a bit embarrassing to use tangible money to pay for something as impalpable as a membership to Ask MetaFilter, haha.

I watched the democratic debates, yeah. It was good until I fell asleep. I had managed to watch a good hour and a half of it before I felt a nap coming on, and, well, if there’s an opportunity to sleep, I TAKE IT.

__

K. Now that I’m older and should be considering what I want from relationships, I’m having a problem with the concept of monogamy. Er, yeah, I’m a hypocrite.

Cons:

1. Monogamy is a social, not a biological, law. Case in point, we aren’t birds.
   • What is the point of being in a relationship if it isn’t exclusive? The reason why you are in a relationship is to be singled out- to be special, or whatever.
     • But, then again, I don’t understand why it would be so important if one is treated differently over other people; it may seem like a monogamous relationship (in the sense that they are treated with such undivided attention while together) even when one shares such an experience with other people.
2. I don’t understand why people are so possessive over their significant others, really. I think this is more of a personal flaw rather than a flaw of monogamy, but it is a still a flaw that exists and is related to monogamy. I think the reason why this personal flaw is so common is because we are brought up in a culture that greatly values monogamy. People get punished for being unfaithful in this society. So, basically, this flaw can be attributed to the basis of monogamy because it describes how strong of a hold it has on society and how unhealthy those implications are.
3. If you trace the origin of whoever began promoting the idea of monogamy, it’s pretty easy to figure out: Christianity. Sexual repression is the core of such an institution.

The bottom line is: Why is promising sexual exclusivity important in the first place?

Man, this new Honorary Title record is great.

Today, I went to Key Club with Debbie. It was a refreshing experience, seeing as we had an actual conversation and had some degree of fun during it. Things are slowly, but surely, getting better. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person who is having a positive experience involving her.

On Friday, we had this guest speaker come in to talk in AP Psychology and World History. The first speaker was great. The second speaker was an ignorant jerk who I hope that I never have to see vocalize their thoughts ever again! It’s amazing how much I absolutely disliked his presentation. He started out with this dude-speak that is supposedly inherent among males whenever they are outside of their profession. That, I tried to ignore, but since I’m flaming him right now, it’s fine for me to add it into my commentary. His presentation was okay up until he said:
“Those suicide bombers must be the stupidest people on this planet. I mean, really, what a weak way to fight.”

Er. Okay.

1. Suicide bombers/terrorists are not innately stupid. Most of the time, they are quite intelligent- phDs and all. It would be wonderful if the antithesis were true, in which case, we could just amp up the literacy programs and this problem would be quelled. I would go onwards with a antitheistic speech, but I’ll spare you that.
2. Suicide bombers do not do what they do to “fight.” They do it because they believe that sacrificing themselves will reward them with eternal paradise after death.
3. Oh, the irony within his statement was so overwhelming. He walked into the room, throwing in “likes” and “reallys” like there was no tomorrow. The last time I heard, using words like those bring your IQ down by at least three points. Not to mention that if that were the case- they would be on the same playing field. He is there, too, sacrificing himself for ideals he believes in.

Onwards with the first speaker, then. Haha, let’s put the cart before the horse today!

The first speaker was wonderful. She was a clinical psychologist from the navy. She stressed rationality, which made my heart explode. All-in-all, the way she talked about how psychologists think and observe problems made me feel like I could, possibly, succeed within this field. I may not be interested in clinical psychology, but still.

… This led me to this great epiphany about how I should get back onto the OMGZ SCHOOL complex once more. Y’know, how I should try a little more.

Gosh, I hate living here.

I did nothing over the weekend. I pondered beginning my dress for Tolo, which I abruptly ignored. Radio Free Roscoe is on television once more, which is the cutest show EVAR, so that brightened up life a bit.

I had so much to say but I don’t really remember anymore. D:

My confidence has been tested, and I can surely say that I don’t like anyone at all. It’s comforting. Not really. Even if I shouldn’t care about having a mate, I cannot help but ponder my future of becoming an old, single woman, living in an apartment with about forty cats, knitting Christmas sweaters and talking to herself, kthx. It’s an unrealistic and depressing epiphany to experience at fifteen, but it’s one I should think about if I want to have some kind of companion later on in life. Because, y’know, nobody really wants that kind of reality, but some people inevitably do. Darn it, I apologize for not being so self-liberating today.

Oh, wow! I completely forgot to tell you guys how the Winter Solstice hand-out went!

The thing I love about my friends is that if you make them something, no matter how ugly it may be- they’ll wear it. Who knows, maybe they like the hats I made them, but I hadn’t the time to block them or anything. But still- everyone wore my AmandaHats on Wednesday. Everyone loved the CD covers I made them, especially Megan. She was astonished by it! Rightly so, since I spent a good four hours making those things for everyone. It was well worth it, but it was time consuming!

Cody was laughing so hard that he nearly cried when he got my present. Phar lent a bible to me because bibles are really expensive at the book store (and that’s the only resource I really had at the time) and it ended up being a bible called something like The Holy Bible For Healthy Young Women or something..

I’m still in the giving mood, though, since there were some people that I didn’t have time to make presents for. I had started making these presents in November and I still didn’t have enough time. All in all, even if it absolutely stressed me out and monopolized my time, I think I’m going to do it again next year. It felt really great. I guess that’s because you know that you have the ability to make other people happy, and sometimes, this is how you can get it done.

I just found a ton of patterns that I want to knit up. Man, I’m sure glad it’s winter break, even if I was planning on studying for finals the entire time. I’m so stressed out when it comes to finals. Each final we have is two hours long, and in between, we have an hour to study. We only have three classes on those days. This happens for about a week or so, I think. Everyone’s going to be on edge, I tell you. I’m not looking forward to it.

I’m planning on reading my world history book (which is a good fourteen chapters, and each chapter has around four to five sections.) since the final is going to be pretty comprehensive. It’s going to be taken on computers, so it’s multiple choice, but it has around five hundred questions. I’m not so worried when it comes to my english final or my psychology final since I’ve been working really hard in those classes and I know the material. Biology is another final I’m worried about, since I’ve been doing pretty badly in the class. My teacher doesn’t teach the class directly- she thinks that if she gives us labs and worksheets and stuff that we’d be able to make the connections and understand it. Clearly, it doesn’t work; almost seventy five percent of the class has a B- or lower.

I have to read Dante’s Inferno over winter break, too. I hope I will not be too bored by it. We have to log it, which is going to take forever. I have plenty of little assignments that are going to be due once winter break ends, but I can do those in an afternoon.

Even though I said that psychology is a final that I’m not worried about, one of my classmates told me that I should start studying now if I want to have any chance of passing. She said that the final kicked her butt last year. Because of her warning, I’m thinking of going over the chapter review packets that the teacher hands out. He gives the packets to us for no apparent reason, seeing as he just gives it to us and doesn’t tell us what to do with it.

Yesterday, Debbie and I had a pleasant conversation, sort of. She was on IM and I started talking to her but something is going on with her best friend and she said that she didn’t want to talk about whatever is going on with us, but that we could talk about other things. I was fine with that, so we kept talking about other things until she had to get offline. That made me feel a bit better about things. If only she were a bit more talkative, to make the conversation less awkward for me. I just kept talking and talking and then she’d say a word or so.

I spent some of this morning watching The Four Horsemen, which is basically a conversation with Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and that Dennett guy. The Four Horsemen is two hours long, and I watched about forty five minutes of it. It got a bit boring at times, but that’s mostly because my mind was on something else.

But anyways.

Amanda Pattern Wish List:
Jen’s Sweetie Pie Hat, mostly because I’m trying to get into cables.
Sunshine!
Mrs. Darcy Cardigan
Pretty Puff’s Slouchy Hat, that is, if I manage to figure out this whole crochet thing. *shudders*
One row handspun scarf

I’m also hoping to make a blouse for myself, but I’ve said that before. Maybe a hoodie as well, but I don’t think I’m going to try using my knit fabric until I get a serger. I sure hope I get a serger, because that’s the only thing I’m really counting on.

You can squint at it through snowy static to make out the meaning

… “My love stays with you like sunlight and air. Oh, how I truly wish I could keep hanging around here, but my joy is covering me. Soon, I will disappear. It’s not a movie, no private screening. This method acting, well, I call that living.”

So, I think I should bring on the angst today. But first: Harry Potter.

The new Harry Potter book came out yesterday, and although I find no need in telling you so, seeing as it’s advertised everywhere, even on the news, I still need to find a way to put this next sentence into context. Everyone was talking about it at school today. And about half of those people were talking about not wanting to talk about it. What is it about the element of surprise that makes reading the book more worthwhile? It seems like people enjoy being surprised more than the actual plot. Why decide to forget reading the book when it’s given away? Exactly.

ONWARDS WITH THE ANGST!

I have tons of things on my mind. And I should really get it out in the open before I start to lose my mind. So, ‘ere goes.

• I realize that school does not last eternally. Even though I still have three years until I graduate, I think it is time for me to set my priorities. Along with that realization- if a college admissions officer were to come around and inspect my transcript, I’d be fucked. Riza’s mother may be crazy and strict, but Riza would be able to go into any college she would like. Any college would take her. I’m scared to death of the future now, because I would hate to wake up at forty, working at Target, to support the felines that I have grown to know and love. Even if I do not want that to happen to me- the reality is that nobody wants to live that way. And yet, there are tons of people actually do.
• Darn it, I also hope that I don’t wake up at thirty, working in a career I hate, because I chose my career path when I was fifteen.
• I feel very morbid lately. Like my time is going to run out very soon, which is the complete opposite of what everyone else my age believes. It’s not like some traumatic event happened to me, changing the way I perceive life. I don’t understand why I have been thinking about this so much lately. With this realization, I want to truly appreciate life. And I have been trying as hard as I can. It’s becoming so difficult to remain happy, though. I feel like crying. But if I do, I feel like I’m wasting time. If I don’t, I feel so much worse. I can’t find balance in these things, anymore.
• I’m still trying to figure out how to go about this thing with Kai. I cannot elaborate any more, because nothing has really changed. I’m still as confused as ever. I love him so much, but I’m just so surprised, of course.
• I cannot give ^^ as much attention as I would like, seeing as my “new” attraction to girls is becoming a major distraction. Ultimately, if life weren’t confusing before, it’s a new maze! I’ve become infatuated, once more, but it’s not necessarily an infatuation, since we’re actually friends. But it’s not like I’m going to hint around here. I’m going to try and get over it as quickly as I can, because if I don’t, I’m going to end up very hurt in the end.

Will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me?

… “Will I shake this off, pretend it’s all okay? That there’s someone out there who feels just like me? There is.”

My mom cut my hair yesterday. It looks awesome.

I miss Kai. He hasn’t e-mailed me in 312651321 days and for one reason or another, despite having other people to talk to online, I’m all lonely D: It’s terrible, because this is such a teeny-bopper dilemma (OMGZ! He won’t call me back! )

I have been awake for roughly 26 hours now. Mmph. But when you are awake all night long, it really gives you time to think about stuff. And you know, I think I just got over something.

Amazingly, it’s something I haven’t been anticipating to admit to myself, but now I think it’s time I just give it up for good. I love someone who doesn’t even treat me halfway decently; I’ve wasted my eighth and ninth grade years on him and I doubt it’s going to get any better than it is now. I shouldn’t have to wait around forever. I deserve more than that. Somebody loves me now and he’s an amazing guy- so maybe I should put more energy into that aspect of my life instead. I guess I’ll just have to see if it will last through summer.

… Ugh, I don’t know. I guess I’m just having one of those moments, you know, like my life just figured out how to get good.

Yessssss. I love blogs that make fun of religion =)

Even worse, AH! I didn’t discover this on my own, I got it from One Fewer God, just citing my sources =D

Oh, and Anthony is going to have summer school with Debbie, Cody, and I. See the connection? This is going to be interesting. Maybe not, but still.

I placed you on a windowsill

… “Now I shadow my former self, once holy, now lonely. A chest full of holes, red wax, it paints me unclear when the big hand strikes twelve, I disappear.”

Mmph. I suck.

Today, we are supposed to clean. Again. This is stupid, because I’m the only one who makes the effort. This isn’t a plea for attention or sympathy, but really, I cleaned my room twice- do you think I stopped there?

Ugh. I’m so tired of my ability to analyze things. It is truly exhausting. But then again; if the mind is not concrete, and there is no kinetic energy at stake, wouldn’t that mean that being psychologically tired is an impossibility? What does it mean to be too tired to think? You have nothing at stake. There’s a reason why the Greeks invented thought experiments- it’s because you don’t lose anything. I wonder what happens to the brain, while being psychologically exhausted. Hmmm.

I bought two psychology textbooks yesterday, as well as a new sociology textbook. Ooh! I have so many f***ing textbooks right now, it’s quite ironic.

Last night, I watched Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, after I persuaded my mother into renting it. She told me that if I wanted to waste my life, I may as well get it over with. Hmm. There was a song all about sperm. That was interesting. Oh, and there was a entire skit about sex. Yeah. I was surprised how perverted it was, but hey, I thought it was funny.

Amanda rant on the Disney corporation and elitism:

… And before I watched the movie, I was downstairs on the computer and suddenly, the television started screaming at me. And it was some Disney channel thing, but whatever. I hate the whole Disney corporation because of how stereotypical they can be! You’d be amazed of how they portray females on their shows; as well as minorities; they even include religious undertones within their animated films. That really depresses me. Children watch these shows and define that as “normal.” The Disney corporation is also incredibly elitist, but I guess I’ll write about that again sometime later.

So, onwards to the elaboration, in the form of a list. Because lists are awesome.

• Women are objectified routinely throughout Disney’s films, as submissive home-makers and in need of a man to keep themselves in line. Their programming is almost as bad- the stereotype of women being absolutely stupid is reinforced constantly.
• Arabian women are constantly objectified sexually throughout the media, no joke- Disney does the same. Cue, Jasmine from Aladdin.
• And, of course, black people are “naturally religious.”
• Women are constantly in need of a man to save them from the situation they are put in. They are, time and time again, hanging onto their lives and they have nothing else to do but wait for a man to come and save them.
• Their films also reinforce the importance of being physically attractive. A few great example of this is… Sleeping Beauty, perhaps? Cinderella?
• More importantly, their films associate beauty with morality and goodness. All of the villains in their movies are generally ugly, while the hero is generally good looking.
• Their films are also extremely ignorant of other races besides Caucasians. Every other race is portrayed as living in a poor little village in the third world; while the Caucasians are portrayed as rich and extravagant.

Yah. If you want to read up on the controversy surrounding Aladdin, I recommend going here.

Amanda rant on America’s debt crisis:

   I rented this movie on America’s debt crisis. It was really interesting. I was sewing so I wasn’t paying the most attention, but the part that interested me most was that banks make the most money off of the people who are least likely to pay them back. On average, for every dollar you owe, they earn two dollars in interest. In fact, most of the money banks earn is from interest.Oh, even more interesting- banks keep a list of influential people who go to their bank (like congressmen, even actors, etc.) and pay even more attention to them and make sure they do not make mistakes. They do this because they know that if they mess something up on their account, they would say something about it- and their word matters more than the other people.

Psh. I have been so boring lately. Read my archives if you’re just not into the things I’ve been writing about lately.

Just don’t forget to think about me and I won’t forget you

… “I’ll write you once a week she said. Why does it feel the same to fall in love and break it off? And if young love is just a game then I must’ve missed the kickoff. Don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything but I’d go through hell for you and, I haven’t been this scared in a long time, and I’m so unprepared, so here’s your valentine, bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody, this world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me!”

*sigh* Oh, blink… =(

I was on myspace today. A bit weird. People look at me funny whenever I’m on the website. But I commented people. But it’s not like I comment people I am actually really close to. It’s just like the whole thing with Christmas cards. But you’ve read my commentary of Christmas cards already =D

Top Ten Things Amanda is Currently in Love With:

1. The Format. The whole thing they have been doing lately is rad beyond words.
2. Uh. Certain awesome people =D
3. Myself. Because the more time I spend by myself, the more I realize how f***ing amazing I am. /narcissism
4. Summer. Just because it helps me break that habit in which I constantly question myself, period by period, as to which assignment is due the next day.
5. Solipsistic blogs like these, in which I can write whatever I want.
6. Awesome people at SciAm, because they just put up their magazine for free to download as well.
7. The Starting Line. Because now that I preordered their record, I am *this* much closer at owning it. *sigh*

Okay. So that was seven. But that does not rhyme.
The Earth Without Humans timeline. Be interested. And watch the video while you’re at it. And yeah, I totally laughed at the computer-simulated dude. I didn’t see it coming and started laughing. Really hard. Because I am that lame. Some dude commented this, and I’m not sure what to think of it:

“Although the intent is good, I am not in agreement with this film at all. I am horrifically worried that under pandemic, severe economic collapse, lengthy mass blackouts and so on, that hundreds of Nuclear Power reactors (both civilian and naval) would go unattended leaving to a melt down and raging fires that would (unlike Chernobyl) rage out of controle for years without anyone to put them out. All chemical storage facilities, tanker ships, pipelines, and oil wells under pressure would all probably kill EVERY LIVING THING on the planet with such toxic waste. You talk about plants growing and steel rusting, Um… there are far more serious consequences which can actually happen in pandemic situation. That is one reason I don’t believe in nuclear power. After the collapse of Russia their naval ships and storage facilities just sat unattended and became horrifically radioactive.”

So. Amanda’s pseudo-intellectual ramblings involving the universe and stuff:

• Actually, I have this theory of how the universe came into existence. (But then again, thanks to Freud… Somebody else has probably thought of this before. But whatever. I’m committing this to memory.) I was watching this show about certainty and quantum mechanics came up and they said that atoms come in and out of existence without cause. So, if the atoms came into existence, then, there you go, my fellow theists.
• I may not even know how the earth came into existence, but I am very sure there will be an end.
• I am so tired of theists acting like they know what they are talking about. The Book of Revelation was a critique of Nero’s empire. Nero was, indeed, the sixth emperor of Rome. The gematria value of 666 translates to Nero. It is so stupid how people believe that 666 is really an unlucky number.
• I doubt that humans will be completely extinct, though. Just because there are far too many of us. And, you know… Bomb shelters, dude.

I post too often. Maybe I should go out and buy some puzzles or something.

My thoughts send me on a carousel

… “ Here I am standing on my own, not a motion from the telephone, I know not a reason why, solitude’s a reason to die!”

Geez. I miss blink. I miss alot of old bands. But I definitely do not miss the Spice Girls. And sadly, people are saying the one band that defined the teeny bopper within my four-year-old body, is returning. I can hear it now:
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / Make it last forever friendship never ends / If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give /Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.”

I’ll tell you what I want. GTFO.

But anyways.

I’m going to the dentist today. And then we are going grocery shopping.

Yesterday, I was listening to this unreleased song called “Love” by the Cure. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. Dude, every line starts with “Love is… ” and then there’s a noun. Surprisingly enough, the noun varies. And then the chorus is all like, “Love is you. Love is you and me. Love is believing we are to be.” or something like that. I threw my arms in the air and punched my brother’s swiss ball. The swiss ball is a ninja so it was not affected. Then I got even angrier and started cursing. Then I felt better.
*ahem* But yah. I was very disappointed.

AH!!!!! Official TSL preorders… With a signed CD. And a t-shirt. Not sure if I’ll buy it. Mostly because preorders suck and the CD comes late. That’s what happened with Brand New’s record. Mmph. I feel so much closer to owning it!
… And I’m worried that if I preorder it now, Best Buy’ll end up adding five bonus tracks or something. Not to mention that Best Buy is so much cheaper.
… Actually, the band manager already said that other stores are going to have bonus tracks. Lame. But this means signed stuff! =(
… And dude, the t-shirt is really lame.
Oh, f*** it. I’ll preorder it. And now that I’m at the store, maybe I’ll get a TSL sweatshirt. Because I’d be awesome once I own a TSL sweatshirt.

/impulse shopper
_________________

Mmph. So, I think I should define my beliefs once more. In a list because lists are cool.

• The bible is a story, and should not be taken as fact.
• If you can pick and choose whichever parts of the bible are metaphorical, who is to say the creation of the earth is not a metaphor?
• The afterlife does not exist. You are no longer conscious after you die- this rule applies to non-believers and theists alike. The laws of nature will not change for you if you decide to believe in one thing or another.
• Fate does not, either.
•  I am not worried about being condemned to hell forever, because god is a man-made concept.
• I only believe in abstinence before marriage not because of religious beliefs, but because there are less problems that way.
• When I die, I do not care how you dispose of my body. I’ll be dead.
• Angels do not exist. Just because something good happened to you, it does not mean that you have to give credit to a divine being. Good things happen without divine intervention.
• Souls are not really there, either. Our consciousness does not correlate dualism.
• I don’t really believe in love, either. Love is a byproduct of evolution, and that is it.
•  And, of course, god does not exist. (I’ll quote Lorren here, “So, where is god? Is he hanging around Saturn or something?” xD)
• The devil (or the new name, “satan” (here, I’ll digress. The bible uses the term “devil”, but modern-day christians call the devil “satan”, instead. Are they getting a little embarrassed, here? The same thing applies to creation —> intelligent design.))  does not exist.
• Hell does not exist.
• Heaven does not exist.

Overall… Anything that implies divine intervention, I do not believe in.

[/rant]

I need you like water in my lungs

… “I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.”

My mother is supposed to cut my hair today. My brother is having a friend over. I am making tapioca pudding right now (from scratch, no doubt)

So, it’s time to conduct internet search part six, I believe. I’m off to venture the internets to find an awesome kirby game for SNES.

but omgz! As I was searching for super nintendo games, lo and behold- a Beavis and Butt-Head game. And a LOTR game. But the first one is cooler. I just wonder, what could that game include?

“You’ve got to help the mentally deficient duo score tickets to a GWAR concert, but the boys don’t have any cash to buy tickets. The idiots decide that taking pictures of themselves doing “cool stuff” will be enough to get them in free. In order to win the tickets you’ve got to guide Beavis and Butt-Head through four levels: “Highland High School,” the “Streets of Highland,” “Highland Hospital,” and “Turbo Mall 2000.” Each level requires you, as Beavis or Butt-Head (or both if you’re playing with a friend), to avoid enemies and solve puzzles. Once you reach the end of the game, prepare to square off against the members of GWAR themselves in a showdown of epic proportions.”

Today, I cleaned my room once more. I organized my fabric (most specifically, my scrap fabric) and my buttons. I love buttons. With a passion. If I had a million buttons, that would not be enough. Sadly, despite my love of buttons, I do not know what to do with them, really. Lame.

It seems Laurie is very bored at the location at which she is vacationing. She is actually using her e-mail address. Kind of.

So, I can proudly say that I have lost my 2004-2005 yearbook. And that I cried over it. I’ve done alot of crying over these past couple of weeks.

I’ll be blunt about it; he totally blew me off and it hurts. And I feel so stupid for finding offense in it. I mean- other people love me right now and I can’t even appreciate it. How terrible of a person does that make me? I suppose I deserve getting ninja-ed by a bicycle.

When I read the things I’ve written on here… It’s quite fascinating of how personal I get on here. But then again, nobody reads this. And even if people did, it wouldn’t matter. Because I made these people up.

So maybe it’s time for me to get emo for the first time in a very long time. Which is a good thing, I suppose. But I don’t know. Stress is a natural process which takes place whenever any kind of change occurs.

… It’s just that, I’ve been thinking alot about graduating. Not from the junior high, but from the high school. It’s going to happen sooner than I expect. And then I will no longer be a teenager, necessarily. And I’ll have to go to college. And get a job. And settle down someplace to “finish up my life”, so to speak.

And giving up my friends, more or less. And that will happen. I hate thinking of it. Oh, we’re all going to different colleges. And no matter how much effort you put into keeping in touch, it’ll eventually go away.

“I don’t know why, but we just stopped communicating.”

Oh, everybody’s going to do such great things. I really believe that. Although the abundance of the statement takes away meaning, I really think so.

I can’t imagine how somber that day is going to be, at least for me. It just won’t show up until the last twenty minutes.

… And with my father being away and everything, it’s so weird seeing my mother act this differently. I mean, she’s so cheery. And cuddly-wuddly. And just darned honest with things. I don’t know how to interpret that. Maybe she is like that with my father and when we are not around. Maybe she is displacing her loneliness with affection in excess.

… And you know, when I said these past three years were the best in my life… I take that back. I find that statement far too broad to describe my feelings. If you separate the good parts from the bad, the good parts were very good, while the bad were.. Very bad. And if you put them together to summarize it all, I don’t see them canceling each other out.

The best parts of 2004-2007:

1. Meeting Andrew McMahon
2. Getting on the radio
3. Going to Seattle with Daniella and Teagan
4. Summer school.
5. Making friends with everybody I know now
6. Maintaining most of the friendships throughout my junior high school career
7. Celebrating three more birthdays with Riza (both of ours alike)
8. The freshman dance xD
9. All the sleepovers with Megan/Karen/Riza/etc. Swt.
10. The Azteca field trips, sadly
11. Getting two ipods =D
12. Getting braces
13. Getting glasses
14. Going to California

Bad parts of 2004-2007:

1. My hamster dying
2. the whole self-mutilation thing
3. starting a whole new regimen of medication
4. all of the drama within the first year of junior high
5. All of the resulting stress from school, mostly this year
6. Going out with some dude. And then breaking up with him.
7. All the other crushes I had on dudes. Especially the one that completely messed up my eighth and ninth grade year.
8. The whole thing with Nick
9. The whole AR thing
10. Math classes.
11. Summer school.
12. Blink 182 breaking up =(
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Getting braces
15. Getting glasses

At night I dream of reasons that I can’t let you go

… “ but I don’t know if it’s time to crack through your walls so thick that I can’t see past you. And last summer wasn’t enough for me and now that winter comes, the cold beats harder and no one is left alone… So don’t let fools be carried by what I say because the night keeps looking our way. And you’re not seeing what I’m missing ’cause I am missing you and I think that we should run as fast as we can into what we don’t know- it’s time to let me in because I feel just fine.”

Yeah, it’s a long quote. But it’s by Saves The Day so it’s all right.

I am… Extraordinarily bored and I feel I am wasting my youth. But anyways.

Maybe today is just yesterday at a slower pace.

I am dying for the new TSL release.

I got my picz back from Walgreens yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to post the picz with awesome people in it because they might be all offended that I went ahead and posted them on teh internets.

I have come to the conclusion that people should stop calling my house and take a damn hint.

I will be very lonely over the summer, and I believe I should make a to-do list (like last summer) as to what should happen. Enjoy:

1. Lorren and I shall rock the bookstore after she returns from her D.C. trip
2. Angela and Riza shall slumber at my house after they return from the D.C. trip
3. Allie and I shall view the movie 1401 ( I think that is what it is named) and she shall overcome my cries of devotion over John Cusack
4. Allie, Keisha and I shall venture out into the world to celebrate my birthday once more
5. I vow to get to know Kendra more. She just posted a blog on myspace… Against theism. She can have my babies. (Except for the fact that I totally know that she got it off of 95% Of You Are Morons, but I rest my case.)
6. I will listen to:

• Blink’s untitled record
• MCS’s Commit This To Memory
• All three of Soco’s records
• TSL’s Based on a True Story

Heh. There. Uh, now I do not know what to say. Laaaaame.

So. I have not been able to think about much. Amazingly, my boredom occupies me.

And so the pain I am feeling is this interesting yellow color. I suppose it is just because I feel it all the time. But on my leg, it’s this neat purple-tinged white.

Boredom is a cloudy, lavender feeling. It’s almost like when I am ill, because it is something that is all around me.

The dejection I felt on Friday was this weird dark blue that seemed to be falling off an edge in sheets. It looked cool, I guess, except for the fact that I was heartbroken at the time.

It’s so cool knowing that I live in a completely different world from everyone else, although, I cannot imagine living in a world other than this one.

I guess I do have motion -> sound synesthesia. It’s really neat when there are animations on the screen or something and I can hear it even though the sound is off. Like that .swf file I posted earlier. It makes this cool *chk chk chk* noise. But it kind of swoops. The *chk chk chk* noise is a small white wave of sorts that floats around in the air. Very cool.

Next to you’s a very nice place to go

… “Countdown to the disappointment, “I’m yours tonight!”

I feel quite emo today. No particular reason why, but I do. Lame. I can be emo with a reason, and it’ll be fine; but when there is no reason to feel that way, I feel absolutely stupid. I’m walking myself crazy.

And with that wonderful segue, I believe I should get a Delorean. Yes. The doors open like *spew* at the top. It’s swt. It’s hip. It’s like owning your very own spacemobile. Envy me.

… Forget about that whole drug bust with the dude who came up with the Delorean. That’s just hardcore. I need a hardcore car. Woot!

My math final was surprisingly easy. But, I’m still not convinced of a high grade. Because in doing so, I am psychologically preparing myself of something that will not happen. Lame.

I have my science final tomorrow. Also lame. I took a nap today, just to avoid studying for it because, dare I say it… I hate science.

Top Ten Reasons Why Being an Atheist is Amazing:

1. I do not have to worry about Heaven or Hell because I believe in neither of them

2. I am not dedicating my life to an imaginary person

3. I do not have to waste my life by going to church

4. I do not need to have regular conversations with god

5. I do not need to make excuses for god

6. I’m a rational thinker!

7. Every good thing I do, I can give credit to myself

8. Every good thing that happens to me, is not part of an ultimate plan- which makes it even more special

9. I’m not all that close-minded

10. I type with literacy, man.

Forget about the whole, “everybody believes I am a devil child/I have to deal with everybody else’s gullibility/ people forget about how great I am because it no longer counts since this doctrine overrules all” thing.

School is actually almost over. I turned in all of my books. But, sadly, I have absolutely nothing to carry around in my arms as I walk. It feels really funky.

I want lumpia. *le sigh*

oh! So today we did this voting thing in Spanish, in which we voted people as “the most ____”. I got: “La mas graciosa de la clase”. People thought they were voting me as the most gracious, but “graciosa” really means “funny”. Shows how much we really learn in that class.

gra·cious (grā’shəs)
adj.

1. Characterized by kindness and warm courtesy.
2. Characterized by tact and propriety: responded to the insult with gracious humor.
3. Of a merciful or compassionate nature.
4. Condescendingly courteous; indulgent.
5. Characterized by charm or beauty; graceful.
6. Characterized by elegance and good taste: gracious living.
7. Archaic Enjoying favor or grace; acceptable or pleasing.

I suppose that’s okay, too.. Actually, I don’t care about it at all; I just thought it was really ironic.

I feel kind of poetic right now.
Dear You:

I am torn between myself and my future ghost; I feel I am living this lie although it hasn’t even been said yet, and if I were to rightly choose, it’d be over before it could begin. And I will not see either of them purposefully over these next couple of months; I have the feeling I will never see them again at all, so thinking of it has no point whatsoever.

It’s getting so adorable now. But I end up separating yourself from yourself even though there is no difference at all. We are just a darker font when our words are recorded.  And for some reason, I think if you were anybody else, I would be so much happier about this. And for some reason, I would be so melancholic if it weren’t you. And I cannot believe, even now, how I could possibly hold such significance to a single person in this way. This has happened before, but I’m living it now. And I didn’t even audition for this. You were the only person I actually felt did not fall for constant flirtatiousness. So I was never like that with you. And I’m scared to death that by some weird set of circumstances that you would read this. Whoever I am writing to, I’m not sure. But if you think it is you, it probably is.

And it’s more of a cooled relation now, although it’s getting so much cuter. It’s not an infatuation now. To label the term means labelling the situation; which adds or takes away the significance, and out of hopes of the latter not happening, I guess I will avoid it.

I love you!

And if this is real, then I was mistaken

… “and if there is truth, then why can’t we find it? Beauty comes to those who have been waiting for something bigger than themselves… This is the dream I am dying in, I will wake to find tomorrow content without perfection.”

He saw me today in first period. *teenybopper scream*
But in saying so, I feel somewhat disloyal; that I’m betraying him even though we aren’t even together.

Dear you:
We saw each other today, and oh! It was a luxury, more or less, just because I do not usually allow myself to look at you in that way. But the truth is- nothing will ever happen. I’m the last person you think about. But does she take mental photographs of you to remember how you look because you’re never around? And does she write her thoughts on business cards because she finally found a way to say it? And does she write down the conversations, so she’ll never forget what was said?

*cough cough*

But anyways.

Oh, and I took a test which describes which religion I should be in. Observe:

1.	Secular Humanism (100%)
2.	Nontheist (84%)
3.	Unitarian Universalism (84%)
4.	Theravada Buddhism (60%)
5.	Liberal Quakers (56%)
6.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (45%)
7.	Neo-Pagan (33%)
8.	New Age (24%)
9.	Taoism (24%)
10.	Bahá’í Faith (15%)
11.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (15%)
12.	Hinduism (15%)
13.	Jainism (15%)
14.	Mahayana Buddhism (15%)
15.	New Thought (15%)
16.	Reform Judaism (15%)
17.	Scientology (15%)
18.	Sikhism (15%)
19.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (0%)
20.	Eastern Orthodox (0%)
21.	Islam (0%)
22.	Jehovah’s Witness (0%)
23.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (0%)
24.	Orthodox Judaism (0%)
25.	Orthodox Quaker (0%)
26.	Roman Catholic (0%)
27.	Seventh Day Adventist (0%)

Awesome. The only religion I have true tolerance for (that I have actually read about) is Unitarian Universalism. But then again, some people do not even consider it as a religion, since it has no doctrine. It doesn’t even worship a god, necessarily. This religion is not that organized, actually. The beliefs are extremely diverse… I hardly even consider it a religion.
… Except for the fact that it brought up scientology/christian science along in there. Creepy.

The more I ponder the idea of the beginning of life as well as the end of it, I cannot help but gravitate towards solipsism.

Amanda’s  List of Things She Ponders:

1. There is no point in even considering the dividing line between solipsism and the ‘real world’, because one would never feel the ‘real world’ in the first place. You won’t be around after you are dead to see if you made up your world, or if it is really ‘real’.

2. Why did I stick myself in this world full of idiots. Yes, that was a question. But a question mark would be interpreted as a question, which is something I do not want, because I am, more or less, talking to myself.

3. I feel so bad for every person who attends church and believes it.

4. This is the only life I get, and now I grasp that understanding even moreso than before. Before, I think I said it out of the need to say something like it. But now, I really think I have it. Before, I suppose the idea of heaven and hell were still in my brain, despite my disbelief. And now, I realize that this is the only chance I get to do things.  The depressing thing is, I hardly have the means to live life the way I want to, because of how strict my parents are.  And that thought really depresses me.

5. And if this is what “life” is supposed to be, we really need another dictionary.

6.  If only I could walk around with a camera in one hand, and a pocketbook with a pen in my pocket.

7. I should totally make a pinhole camera.

8. I’m so tired of people. I’m tired of everybody’s stupidity, obnoxiousness, narcissism, ignorance, and basic gullibility.

9. I’m never going to get out of this house, am I? I accept my mother’s agoraphobia wholly.  Really, I do. I am even willing to transport myself places. I don’t need a car, I can walk. I can take the bus. Of course not. I’m tired of feeling like I am wasting my life indoors.

10. How can I possibly mind my parents if they do not mind me? They basically called me a devil-child. I no longer care about what they think of me, because if they really think this, then their logic is obviously skewed. I’m a damn good person. My beliefs in god and my basic morality have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

And I will lie awake

… “And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you. Let you fall for every empty word I say.”

We went to McChord today, and St. Vinnies. I bought some stuff I’m going to use for my anthology, hopefully it’ll work out well. I also bought a book on the origin of modern humans, which I am looking forward to reading.

I finished reading that Harry Potter book. So now I get to take my test.

Anthony is getting me pretty angry. He called me “clueless”. Uh, you’re the one who is making up a god to explain how the world works. I’m relying on science. *weighs with hands*

I am rewriting my essays to add to my anthology. Sadly, I did not save the final draft on my computer out of laziness, so I’m going to have to write the final draft and my revised over again. Such fun, really.

So, uh, I suppose I should write my first list on wordpress. Swt.

Top Ten Songs Amanda Cannot Stop Listening to:

1. Float On (cover) - Little Drawings

2. Swans (unreleased, live)- The Format

3. Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis- Brand New

4. Cars and Calories- Saves the Day

5. The Calendar Hung Itself- Bright Eyes

6. Degausser- Brand New

7. Kill (cover) - Little Drawings

8. Stationary- Little Drawings

9. Miss America (live in Berlin) - Something Corporate

10. She Paints Me Blue (cover, live in Chicago) - Jack’s Mannequin

Woo! A full ten, swt.

So. Mind-body connection. I prefer to believe there is no causal correlation between the things we think/feel/hope/etc. and the things that actually happen. And even though I have personally experienced somewhat “magical” occurrences in my lifetime, I don’t take them as magical and just as sheer luck. But there has been plenty of evidence supporting the theory.

… But, I got to thinking. What if the things we think are actually a biproduct, and not as special as we assume them to be? That our consciousness is actually a more concrete thing than we imagine?

And you know what is awesome?

AMANDA CONQUERED THE VENDING MACHINE!

EXPERIENCE THE MAGICAL PUZZLE BALL!

If I could change one thing about you

… “I’d call you Annelise, because it is better than Jen… Hey, Annelise, won’t you cross my mind in Central Park? Screw Hollywood, because we’ve got better things to do than fake our lives, but you don’t respond, you’re going to end up dull just like your parents are, don’t give up your birth right. Hey Annelise, don’t you ever think to leave, that’s me, scared of what you people will think.”

Oh! The freshman is *almost* over, finally. Even though it will be fun, the stress of it is alot for me to handle.

Dear you:

I really wish I could do something to make this better. I could love you! Just in a little while. I love you more than life already, hopefully you are aware of this. It’s so weird to know I hold such importance to you. Or at least, a little importance. At least enough to be scared to talk to me. It’s comforting in a weird way. You’re such a great person and whenever I think about you, I end up smiling. Hopefully, you understand! *cough cough*

Anyways. Sorry guys, for the extremely bland entries I’ve managed to conjure up, lately. I hate how sappy I’ve been able to sound.

Laurie is still extremely sick, I wish she would get better soon! She’s lost seventeen pounds over the last month, all because of her illness. I hope she doesn’t have stomach cancer or anything. Or an alien living inside her. That’d be kinda weird.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT!

Here are some swt pictures of aliens:

Oddly enough, that came up when I searched for “alien”. I felt so incredibly stupid writing it (YES!! Imagine it!) but dude… That’s a kitty named Alien. Swt.

But anyways! Aannd! I present those awesome acrostic puzzles I’ve been talking about so much lately (not really on here, but at school) I am such a nerd. BUT OMGZ! ACROSTIC PUZZLES!

Oh, and yes, there are awesome atheists out there who create lists like these just so I can combat silly people.

Check it out: (From The Friendly Atheist)

1. The Supernatural Does Not Exist.

It’s not just that cows don’t jump over skyscrapers, it’s that they physically can’t. Many believers say that science does not rule out the supernatural. Science applies an empirical method of looking at the evidence in our physical world. Upon examination, the scientific method results in rejecting the supernatural claims of religion the same as it results in ruling out all other paranormal claims. The supposed miracles of the Bible do not have any greater claim on reality than do the claims of UFO abductions. In fact, claims of UFO abductions may be more believable than the supernatural assertions of religion, because a visitation from another planet may not require violation of the laws of nature as do supposed Biblical miracles.

2. Miracles Didn’t Happen Then and Don’t Happen Now.

If miracles occurred in Biblical times, why don’t they occur now? It is highly suspect to claim that all the shock and awe stuff was only performed for the benefit of ancient primitive people, but denied to us modern folk today. Miracle claims initially bear witness against themselves, as they claim to violate the very laws of nature that should not be violated.

3. Dependence of Consciousness on the Physical Brain Makes Life After Death Unlikely.

If even Alzheimer’s Disease or an anesthetic can totally eclipse consciousness, how much more will self awareness be annihilated by death? Everything we know, all expansions of our field of awareness, come about by sensory input into a physical brain. How can this persist when there is no longer a physical body and brain?

4. Existence of Evil in the World, Both Human-Created and Natural, is More Likely in a Godless World.

An all powerful God would be able to get points across and teach lessons and improve our character without placing us in a world of such tremendous suffering. What benefit is there to the Ebola virus that eats away at people’s flesh? Why did we need Auschwitz? Couldn’t something less horrendous have gotten whatever point across that God was trying to make? For God’s existence to be compatible with the evil in the world, there would have to be no occurrence of evil that is gratuitous and beyond justification.

5. Evolution is More Likely in a Godless World.

While one can simultaneously believe in Darwinian evolution and in God, evolution is more likely in a Godless world. Evolution by natural selection is sloppy and wasteful. More than 99% of all species that ever existed on Earth are now extinct. Matches of DNA sequences show that humans and gorillas shared a common ancestor.

6. Divine Hiddenness: A Personal God That Wanted Loving Relationships with Human Beings Wouldn’t Be So Hidden.

Why is God so stingy with direct evidence? Again, the supposed miracles that attest to a supernatural power all happened in ancient pre-scientific times, in which there existed no means of reliable verification. These supposed miracles are not being duplicated today so that we could see that such things are possible. Scientific errors in the Bible and its other flaws, including the commanding of atrocities, all make Scripture much harder to believe. A loving God would not erect such high barriers to belief and then further compound the difficulty in believing by providing us with such strong evidential circumstances against the supernatural, such as the inviolability of the laws of nature.

7. The Religious Confusion in the World is Incompatible with a God That Wants Us To Get It Right.

If God wants us to choose the best mode of worship or communion, why is there so much reasonable confusion in the world regarding religions? Why do the yogis of India and the Dalai Lama bring back from their meditations a sense of some all-loving cosmic soup, and yet many Christians believe that anyone who tries to approach God, other than through Jesus, will burn in hell eternally? Biblical contradictions also exacerbate the problem of confusion. A loving God should have commissioned a clearer and less confusing Bible.

8. God’s Existence Cannot Be Rescued By Claiming the Need for a First Cause.

As best as we can determine, time and space began with the Big Bang. Prior to the Big Bang, there was no time or space in which sequential causation could have occurred. So we cannot speak of the universe’s coming into existence as needing a “cause” in the same sense that a tall building in the middle of a city needed a cause.

9. God’s Existence Cannot Be Rescued By Claiming That Life is so Improbable That It Could Only Come About if the Universe Were Fine Tuned by a Supernatural Force.

Believers claim that the constants in the universe that made it possible for life to emerge are so unlikely that the stage could not have been set by [anyone] other than a divine being. However, we have nothing to compare our universe to. We cannot point to a million universes and note that they are lifeless and thus affirm that the appearance of life in our universe was so unlikely that a supernatural force had to jump start it.

10. God’s Existence Cannot Be Rescued By Claiming That the Emergence of Life on Earth Demonstrates an Underlying Intelligent Design.

The claim that some biological organisms are irreducibly complex fails to account for the redundant gene, a duplication of an existing gene that can experiment with a new function while the old otherwise identical one continues to do its standard work. The claim that the existence of specifiably complex organisms demonstrates the need for an intelligent designer fails because these can be accounted for by the mutations of natural selection.

*sigh* Atheists are so awesome. But hey! I feel talkative today. So why not keep writing?

So. I introduce to you a brand new segment, which I will affectionately name: The Components of Life Which Carry Out Evolutionary Process. In this segment, I will talk about the things I have been wondering about and their role in the evolutionary process. No, I’m not that perverted. I seriously consider these things. Not like that.

1. How does the idea of having only one mate carry out evolutionary process? One would expect for this territorial complex to prevent evolutionary process from continuing. Oh, but Amanda has logic. So I think we have evolved with this process such that carrying out evolutionary process (don’t go there.) would be much more desirable and less commonplace. 2. What does cancer have to do with evolutionary process? ( I really do not have an answer for this one. But hey, neither can those crazy theists!)

I’m sending the rain your way

… “Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping… Kill the messenger, I swear it’s not me, it’s someone I used to know, and go to church, because you’re a good girl, and I never told you that.”

Today was rather eventful. Although it was only one or two truly outstanding events, it really stood out to me. And I won’t clarify much, but this is my rant (you probably know about it, anyways.):

1. I’m not sure what to think, really. I love him to death in the friendliest manner but I do not and have not had any desire towards him. Okay, the thought has arisen once or twice, but I’m not sure.

2. Why should this happen when we have less than a month left of school?

3. No.

4. This is completely evolutionary and has no value to me, yet I cannot stop smiling. I do not understand why I care so much about this. There is no meaning to any of this. I am not adding sentiment to this, but my body still seems to respond.

5. I do not understand why. I hardly know him. We make each other laugh, alot, and I am always happy whenever I even see him. But we never talk about our personal lives.

6. I already have a major crush on somebody else. Major crush on somebody else.

7. Maybe she just heard wrong.

8. Maybe this is just a really obnoxious joke.

9. Considering the other people he has dated, what should that say about me? *shudder*

10. He’s Catholic. Uh. I can be friends with Catholics and tolerate that. But the second I bring up atheism, he’ll talk about God and Jesus and sound like a moron. I can’t date a moron. Or at least a smart dude who believes in mythical beings. a. But then again, the second he mentions Catholicism, I’d probably debate him. b. But this can apply to anybody.

11. What if I mess it up? How long has this been going on?

12. Why is it that people of this height seem to be attracted to me?

13. He’s an anime dude. Uh.

14. He does not seem to like music at all.

15. This is really stupid.

But anyways. I bought shoes today. They are pretty nice, but really f****** tall, so I’m going to have to break them in. I do not think I will ever wear these shoes again.

I also progressed on my dress, so I’m about 3/4 done. Moreso than that, actually, because all I have to do is add embellishments/find some way to hem it without adding bulk.

I believe I will have a panic attack. Soon. Seriously. I don’t know, I just really want to lay down and cry. I feel, at the risk of sounding cliche, like my body is going to fall apart at any second. And I’ve been feeling that way for the past week, but I haven’t really found a way to say it. It’s physically exhausting to hold it all back. I’m so tired of my mood. I really want the world to leave me alone. I have not felt this way in a very long time. I feel there is nobody I want to be around right now for comfort.

My father is retiring soon. This means that there will be such differences around here within the next year. I hate sounding so pityful, I’m sorry.