The fourth of July is among one of the most vain holidays celebrated around here. That isn’t to suggest that there isn’t one holiday around here that does not have a trace of vanity within it, but indeed, the fourth of July is a holiday that is among the most exploited. I hate the fourth of July. It is a waste of time.

I have a new pair of glasses. I cannot say that I appreciate them all too much at the moment, I hope it’s only because I need to get used to them. It feels like I’m wearing someone else’s glasses. I miss my old glasses, :3

I’ve been thinking of my aspirations toward evolutionary psychology and after much consideration, evolutionary psychology is absolutely the last field I want to study. I hadn’t thought of it all that much before, but what relevance does evolution have to what is now established as, evolutionary psychology? Yeah, absolutely nothing. Evolutionary psychology is a field that reeks of confabulation and hindsight bias. All of the claims evolutionary psychology makes can only be established after the fact. I mean, think of it: evolution and natural selection, cannot be applied to psychology without losing its meaning. Anyone who knows anything about evolution to begin with could come to terms with that. Evolution results from natural selection- mutations which do not benefit the organism die out; mutations which benefit an organism make the organism more likely to reproduce, and as that mutation spreads among a population, the population evolves. How could this be logically correlated with psychology?

Evolutionary psychology’s heuristic procedure is to pick out a behavior and use the evolution of humans in an attempt to explain the behavior. The problem with this logic is that evolution does not explain all behavior, and most behavior is societally influenced more so than biologically influenced. Although this is a problem within every field of psychology, it should definitely be brought up- free will exists, yeah. Furthermore, the notion that there isn’t a universal behavior pattern across cultures is altogether ignored.  It is also amusing of how evolutionary psychologists attempt to explain behaviors such as rape and sexism with such mitigating power, as if biology favors them. And, of course, we must not forget that their claims are not falsifiable, which almost instantly categorizes it as a pseudoscience. Most importantly, the time in which modern humans have existed is too short of a time for any sort of Darwinian evolution to occur.

This sucks, though, because I was completely ready to go into this field, but now that I realize it isn’t too credible, I have to figure out something else.

We do what we need to be free

And this leans on me, like a rootless tree.

Last night, I was flipping through the channels in my Tivo-less bedroom, and surprisingly!! The Tyra Banks Show was on. It was about prostitution or something pointless like that. And honestly, it’s the Tyra Banks Show on cable, it’s not like there’s going to be anything too deep or analytical about it. But the thing is, I hate this show. I genuinely hate it. Tyra Banks always find some way to be immature when discussing a serious subject, and I end up feeling offended. There was this lesbian erotic dancer, right, who once was at this party for bisexual women. And omgz, like, it’s girls. Like, with girls. And like, did they try to make you do anything, “extra”? Oh really that’s so interesting but like, I knew something weird was going on there, girlfriend, get yourself checked OUT!! skdjflskjdfklj

Yeah, there’s only so much I can take.

I have a field trip next week. I’m amused, how I’ve been on more field trips this year than ever before. :3

We have a paper to do. We have to choose a controversial topic that we do not have an opinion about, and basically, present it in an objective fashion. At least, that’s what I got out of his explanation. For some reason, my teacher just doesn’t like rubrics. But whatev. My problem is that I know too much about controversial things, so I have an opinion on just about everything. Except outsourcing, which I’m doing my paper on.

But Joyce asked me about censorship today and I don’t think I’ve ever written about it here before. So you guys are going to get told.

I am thoroughly against censorship of any kind. Books, movies, anything. Even things that offend people or a group of people should not be censored, because honestly, anything could offend anyone, and our current system of censorship is a feeble attempt to satisfy the few people that have the power to enforce such a system.

Clearly, the hugest problem I have with censorship is that it sacrifices artistic integrity. Who can say that they know better than the person who created the piece, and allow themselves to alter their work somehow? I can’t imagine doing that and living with myself. There’s a movie from the 1930s, that was censored so many times (they had to cut out the film) that there is no consensus as to how the original film was. Sad. That’s someone’s art, and people were too caught up in their idea of what is okay and what is not to think of the movie as a whole and appreciate it.

Glass shadows from your unsteady grip

We’ve been doing review. These sessions are certainly helping, however, it becomes extremely awkward when there’s only one student besides me who is in the room. Yeah. Our class is full of the stupidest people, really- they need this review more than I do- I thought there would be more people around.

My teacher realized yesterday, for the first time, that I am a sophomore. He thought I was a senior this entire time. He said that he doesn’t think there has been a sophomore sign up for the class before. He said that he is impressed. So strange how that happens. I love how my teachers think more highly of me than my parents do.

Honestly, all this scrutiny I have to put up with when it comes to my parents has begun to take its toll on me. But I realize that I need to stay strong in my convictions that I’m the person that I want to be. I have to remain confident in that such a reason is enough of a justification for anyone. I admit, though, I can’t help but feel like I’m less than intelligent; I’m not worth the time; my efforts are worthless in terms of making any sort of improvement in my life; I’m a useless degenerate. You know, those sorts of conclusions. I know I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t change that. The least I could do is be happy with myself, because I can’t change anything else anyway.

I’m tired of fighting this, though. I’m tired of having to keep myself above from the things they say to me. I’m tired of having to maintain these standards that are so far from what the public expects and agree with. I’m tired of having to justify myself to them. I mean, what has combating this ever done for me? What has fighting for my convictions ever accomplished? Yeah. And what’s even worse is that I can’t really talk to people about this. This topic is just too heavy for me to handle with repose. I lose my structure. I show weakness. Not only that, but I fall once more into the stereotype of a female. And oh, how much I try to keep myself above that, too. I suppose that’s the reason why I end up acting so insensitive.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’m on new meds that are supposed to be better than what I was on before. Its effects are quite different in comparison to my other medication, among them are that it’s supposed to make me less irritable, less disconnected with people, less anxious, yeah.

My mother will not leave me alone about my grades. She thinks that if she doesn’t keep on me about it, that I will flunk out of school. Just because she dropped out of high school, it doesn’t mean that I’ll do the same. I know how important doing well in school is- overwhelmingly so. But uh, yeah. I’ve been saving up my money for the past six months, so when the first opportunity I get to leave this house arrives, I’ll be prepared. How morbid.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I spend my time with. My peer circle, if you will. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are no longer crucial to my intellectual growth. What I mean by that is- I’m tired of all their melodrama. It is no longer fun to be around them. I mock their existence constantly. If anything, I am only around because Megan and Cody are there. I care very little about everyone else. The only conclusion I have come up with in this area is that, well, it’s better to be alone than to be with inferior people.

You are a victim of the rules you live by.

I’m so irritated right now. That gummy feeling I get at times like these just won’t go away. And lately I’ve realized that this microcosm I live in is so pointless and the only things I think about lately are, indeed, pointless as well. I don’t know, jumping into dating (although, it’s not just that) seems to have outlined the way I deal with people and my relationships with people. Not only that, but it’s making me face so many things that I’ve been avoiding.

“You know, Amanda, as time goes by, I realize how lucky I am to have been friends with you so long and to be so close to you. Because I realize how difficult it is for other people to get close to you.”

Megan told me this a few days ago. And a few weeks ago, too. :3 I don’t know, in her saying that, she points out that there are people vying for my attention and I shut them down if they try too hard. Because it overwhelms me. I realize, as time goes on, I become more and more like my mother and I do not want to mirror my mother’s social style. In a lot of ways, I feel like she’s Magwitch and I’m Pip. But then again, it’s not like this habit of mine is inherited. I could fix it if I tried hard enough. I’m just afraid of having to be in that situation in which I can do nothing to relieve the social tension.

I don’t know, I thought I was a really strong person but I’ve come to realize that I am afraid of so many abstract things- which is considerably worse than fearing concrete things.  The thing is, I’ve spent so much time on self-improvement within the last year, but I feel like I have achieved nothing. I pushed myself. I put myself in situations that I didn’t want to be in. I set up rules and I followed them, because I thought they were for the greater good. I challenged myself and the way I perceived things. Aw, but you know, not all anguish leads to self-actualization and I realized that. “Everything in moderation,” is pointless if you cannot figure out where the midpoint is. Diathesis-stress model.

And embarking on a new relationship doesn’t mitigate the problem. This isn’t to say that I’m going to give in and back out of this relation-date-tionship thing I have going on right now. Or any time soon. I have to try new things out and see how this goes. I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I’m just saying that I’m really freaking scared right now.

I’m afraid of what I could potentially do to myself, as vacuous as that sounds. I don’t want to make the mistakes my friends have. I realize that a relationship can only fulfill that part in my life, but I’m afraid that I could monopolize that resource. It sucks that I’m dating one of my best friends because when the relationship inevitably ends (come on, we all know I’m not going to marry my first boyfriend) the friendship will be ruined, too. No matter how much we assure each other of an attractive dissolution, I know it’s not going to work out that positively. It never does.

And the pain of losing that friendship is enough to make me want to end this relationship altogether before we become too attached. Just because his last relationship was a long-term and successful one, it doesn’t mean that this relationship will be, and I don’t want to be around when this thing ends.

Oh, and the fact that no matter how much you love someone or how much you trust them, there’s virtually no way to remain confident that they won’t decide to remove themselves from your life altogether some day, isn’t helpful, either.

You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

And you won’t ever know how much I care!

Aw, I’m in love with this I and the Universe stuff. Even if it’s only four songs, and one of them is basically the same verse on repeat.

My english teacher called me up and tried to talk to me again today. I was calmer and thus able to speak coherently. He is the strongest person I know, and I don’t doubt that even now. But he said to me, “The water’s under the bridge, but I know it hurts. I’ve been living with that kind of pain for the past forty-four years. It feels the same as it did when it first happened- can you believe it?”

It was strange. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I felt so awkward- I began shaking, I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, it was a stupid overestimation, but one cannot control the things the body does at that point. It was surprising, I suppose, because I had expected him to gloss over it and explain how things get better, how the pain will go away, how I’ll grow old and forget about it, how I’ll mature and outgrow it. I appreciate, though, that he didn’t lie to me about it just to make me feel better. I’m really going to miss having him as a teacher next year, since he’s retiring.

__

Time for teen angst. And really stupid verbs used incorrectly, such as, “like.” (Really, I hate using this term but it is the easiest and shortest term available to describe my thought)

I dig my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I know- stupid. I can’t stand myself because of it. I know nothing will ever happen and if he were to attempt to advance our friendship, I would ultimately be forced to reject him because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were to betray her. I spend tons of time with him now, which I also cannot stand because of how weird I get. And the guilt of flirting with him, whatever that means.

And then there’s this other guy that rides my bus. He’s somewhat older than I am, but he’s much more fun than the person I’ve mentioned already. He’s political, witty, funny, POLITICAL, and charismatic. Megan said that morally, this guy is the better choice since I wouldn’t be betraying anyone. She also said that he’s more well-rounded than the other homeskillet. The thing is, though, I’m a year his junior and we spend virtually no time together. I have spanish class with him and we sometimes sit next to each other on the bus, but that is the extent to which I speak to him. I would love to speak to him more. Perhaps I should express this, but I do not want it to become weird since I hardly know him.

The only tiebreaker seems to be that the second dude is more mature. And that I wouldn’t hurt anyone in the process of courtship.

And the fact that expending my resources on this part of my life is not the most responsible thing to do. I went to the Cambridge and Oxford University websites, and it was such a reality-check for me. First, the costs are outrageous. Second, Cambridge recommends for undergraduate students from the United States to be within the top one percent of their class for him or her to be considered for admission. Decidedly, my grades aren’t terrible, but they could definitely be better and if I want to do well- if I want to do whatever I plan on doing- I’d better be prepared academically.

The only thing that really motivates me is to become independent, and college is the way to get there. It may not be complete and utter autonomy, but it is closer to whatever sort of state I’m in now. I want to be able to live up to my own standards and beliefs and not be tied down by those that my parents have. In order to achieve this, I have to do well. If anything, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from becoming absolutely hopeless.

By the way, “charismatic,” is one of the best adjectives to use to describe someone. It’s so complimentary, at least to me, to be described as “charismatic.”

Hah, wow. My creative writing prompt from last year. Now I feel like I can reflect on it properly.

The thing is, it sounds too serious. The tone is too much for me. I say, “the,” too often when I link verbs to nouns. The entire story is all pretty disjointed. The play on words is great, but I think I lost the meaning because I was trying so hard to manipulate the words like that. It was a bit distracting, too. It takes a great deal of effort to understand what the plot line is because of how poetic it is. Some of it, I’m not sure of other people can understand because of the metaphors I used. I like it, in the sense that the character introduces herself in a pretty straightforward way. I didn’t want it to be so in-your-face that you could tell the author was just trying to characterize the person they are talking about. I introduced it all by saying something along the lines of, “when in situations that require small-talk, once discusses the following.” Or something like that. I would like to rewrite it, however, I think it’s best for me to keep it the way it is out of nostalgia.

… It doesn’t help that Debbie said it made her giggle when she read it at first. That made me feel very self-conscious.

I was trying to find the excerpt when I stumbled across my old entries from last year. Man, so much has changed in just a few months. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it alot. There are certain songs that I listened to so much last year, that they pretty much describe the entire year:

1. Frame by Frame- The Honorary Title. I loved this song for a few months. Like, that was the only song I listened to for months. It always reminds me of how stressful last year was. It’s not so much the words that make/made me feel emotional, it was the music that did it.
2. Tune Out- The Format. I listened to this song while I was making my dress for freshman and when I was reading Les Miserables. It reminds me of spring so much because it was the only time I really enjoyed the song.
3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups. Man, I listened to this song this year, too. It’s mostly another angst song about homeskillet.
4. When Paula Sparks- Copeland. Yeah, this song really hits the spot. Another angst song.
5. Photography- The Starting Line. Man, so much emotion here. It builds so nicely. This has to be one of my favorite songs by them. There’s a period of time in which my entries begin with quotes only from that song, I think it was April or May, because I couldn’t think of another song I liked to refer to, haha.

When it’s with those angst songs, I tend to feel a sense of remorse for myself because of how terrible things were at the time. I don’t feel that way about what has happened this year, though, even if it’s worse than last year. I guess it’s because I don’t feel closure for that right now. It could still get worse.

In all honesty, though, I was going crazy last year. No one can really grasp that. I was stuck in a state of being and un-being. I was trying to figure things out. The entries that I wrote back then are pretty intense. I had never felt so strange, stressed out, or inert than I had at that time. Despite that, though, I wish I was back at that point again. Creativity flowed.

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night

It’s painful when you realize, your lives are intertwined. It’s helped me somewhat.

So, there are two guys that I am somewhat interested in. One of them is actively showing interest in me, more so than the other guy. I think they’re cool, but I’m not attracted to either of them. It’s time for me to begin forming an honest relationship with myself, really. I cannot consider myself as rational if I’m not honest with myself. NO MORE. I don’t know. I mean, one guy is cool. He’s nice to me and acts like he is attracted to me. I guess that’s making him look better than he really is. I don’t know him at all. The other guy I’ve known for a while and I’m very comfortable around him and he’s the coolest guy I know. There isn’t a person I enjoy being around more.

… But I don’t see myself in a relationship with either person. They’re fun to be around, but I don’t think of them in that way.  I suck.  I feel like I should like them. Gosh, there isn’t a person that I’ve felt all omgz about since Logan. What does that say about my current state? Is it a lack of people or is it my fault? Man, I’m beyond annoyed.

I’m thinking of just laying low for a little while.

We are going to have an essay in English about Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. It’s going to be about our dreams and hopes. The worst thing is, I have none. I’m not really the kind of person who dreams of how I’m going to be years from now. When I was little, I did that, but that was mostly because I had nothing else to do. The world was so limited at the time that I couldn’t help but imagine what life would be like later on, the opportunities, and of course, it was primarily influenced by television. Maybe I just don’t know what I want right now, or I’ve grown up and I don’t need dreams to find meaning or direction. If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite the laid-back person. I’ll take things as they come. The only thing that I wish about life later on is that I’ll be independent and happy. Maybe this would lead to an interesting essay or an incredibly boring one. I mean, there are things I would like to happen, but they are contrary to reality so I don’t ponder those thoughts too long. Counterfactual thinking really isn’t for me, haha. I would like to live in Seattle. But it isn’t my dream.

Yesterday, I was knitting in class and I was suddenly mobbed by these people that I don’t know with requests to knit them hats and stuff. I don’t know these people. Not to mention, these are among the most obnoxious people at my school. But anyways. This girl turned around and she said, “So, you’re like, smart, right?”

…

‘Nuff said.

I wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend

You know, I think I’m becoming the kind of person that I want to be. I may not be perfect for anyone else’s standards, but I’m perfect enough for me.

We went to Uwajimaya today. I saw these Chinese New Year envelopes, which sent me down Memory Lane. Jennifer gave me those in sixth grade to celebrate. I don’t know where it is now, but it meant alot to me at the time and I really wish I had it back.

Tomorrow is school again. I’m looking forward to it, just a little, because I’m glad to be a philanthropist again.

There is an ad calling for interns for this magazine in Seattle. Yeah, it’s an editing thing. Perhaps I could give it a shot. I don’t think they’d accept me because I am so young, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. I mean, if this whole evolutionary psychology deal doesn’t work out, then I could at least fall back on my editing skills.

… Despite my supreme sense of self, I desire change. I think I really need it. I don’t know if I need new people, new hair, a new attitude, whatever- I think I need change. But I won’t force change to occur, I’m just saying that I think I need it.

Another thing about coercion- I think that this attempt to get over that dude I dig has potential to be a successful one. More so than the others, mostly because the facts are too real to ignore, man. Something about this attempt has clicked, finally the emotions I feel and the reality of whatever is going on are in sync. Even if I feel really lonely now, for some reason.

I feel a bit weird, though. He was, essentially, the only excuse I had to be like, “Yeah, I’m not a weirdo. I can dig people.” And now I’m stuck wondering what’s next. Maybe I should expand my world of dudes. Or just get past the social prejudice I hold against the potential mates around me. It sucks that everyone in my group of friends date each other, or have once dated each other. Gosh, why can’t I just step outside the box and date some completely obscure guy? Man, this is getting really annoying. Don’t get me wrong- I don’t need a boyfriend or anything. I don’t need anyone. I guess I just need something to preoccupy myself with.

I don’t know, it’s weird. There are very few people that I am attracted to, but it’s not much of an attraction as it is “omgz, i want to know you better, lolz.”  I’m not looking for a relationship, either. Or anything even remotely sexual. Hah, I don’t even want to be touched. So, yeah, I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t get what I’m complaining about, either, but I’m posting this anyways for future reference, just in case I do figure things out.

I can’t even come up with a proper conclusion, either, because I really don’t get it.

I listened to the new Honorary Title record today. It’s great. One of the best records I’ve heard in a while. There’s such diversity going on within that record. I can’t wait to listen to it more.

I was reading my old diaries the other day. All I could say was- whoa. I’m surprised how this year really has been. I tend to forget all of the bad things that happen to me. It’s not necessarily a conscious effort, but just something to keep me from becoming absolutely delusional.

“Sometimes, I wish something tragic would happen, so I’d be able to figure out what’s important. So I’d figure out what I want.”

Or something like that.

At the cafe, by the launchpad

I think I have it figured out.

I realize why I’m kind of angry at you. Why I don’t really love you anymore.  Why I can’t stop everything and be in love with you, for even a moment.

I went out on a limb and it seemed to have worked out for about a month. Things were looking up. You tried. Obviously, that was an illusion. In reality, nothing has changed.  Everything I said before is becoming more incontrovertible: You don’t love me, you have no desire to, and we are never going to get together. A few days ago, I told myself that I couldn’t lose someone as great as you are. That I should try as hard as I can to keep you in my life, even if you’re far away from me. To keep the door of communication open. But right now, I feel so lied to and tricked. I couldn’t love you right now if I tried.

I could’ve done anything for you. You were the exception, always. I’m such a heartless person who throws aside emotion for reason, just not for you. I’ve wasted so much on you.

… And I continue to write these imaginary letters to you,  put aside other, more crucial things, to figure out what to do with myself and with this.

I suppose I’ll put in my year-end post right now.

This year was a very difficult one. I don’t think I have ever cried more, lashed out more, or had to work harder than I did. I also had more fun than I ever have had. Most of the stress within my life can be credited to my parents, but it was partially absolved by the love of my friends. Typical of a teenager,  I know. I loved who I was at the beginning of the year. That isn’t to say that I don’t love the person that I am now, but I love both of those selves for different reasons. I don’t think I’ve ever grown up more in such a short time period.

This year was pretty great, too. I worked to keep my friendships going and became a bit more sociable. I stepped outside of myself plenty of times, yeah. Most of the things I was able to do, I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing a year ago. *cough*likemeetingandrewmcmahon*cough*

I have to say, though, I’m extremely proud of myself to have made it through this year. It was really tough, you know.

So, what to expect of the next year. Quite honestly, I don’t understand what the big deal is about holidays. The days themselves do not feel any different. But, I’ll just do this for myself.

This year’d better not be as dramatic as last year. I hope to gain more independence from my parents and convince them to live more sustainably. I hope to keep my grades up and that I don’t forget to be happy and live life to its fullest. I also do not want to forget when times get good, and that they do. I want to keep learning. I also hope that maybe, I’ll get in touch with Jennifer Sam again. Someday. You never know.

Bizarre.

Today was just bizarre.

On the way home, Alex Something-Or-Other spoke to me. He said there was no one on the bus for him to speak to, and since he kind of knows me, why not become friends. Okay. So he sat directly beside me. First off, I’ve spoken to him only once before in my life. At a party at Laurie’s house for the fourth of July.  He lives on my street and had Spanish with me last year, but he was completely oblivious to these facts. Second, since there are about twenty people on my bus, we do not sit directly next to one another. That’s just weird. But he did it anyway.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided not to dumb down my language. What a terrible mistake. He clearly did not follow anything I said to him. Here are the keypoints of our conversation:

1. His father, who is sixty five years old, watches porn and at times, Alex walks in on him.
2. He did not think that homoerotic undertones in conversations were universal.
3.  Somehow, he managed to get in contact with my ipod. He had never heard of any of the bands on it. Except for Jack’s Mannequin, which made me a bit excited. Oh, what a wonderful way to brag about how I met Andrew McMahon! Wrong. “Who is Andrew McMahon?”, he asked. I replied, “The dude who sings.” “Oh!”

So yeah, a bit weird. Despite my sarcasm, I warn you, he is a very friendly guy and he is probably someone I will talk to again. If he continues to be nice to me, I’ll be nice to him.

In first period, we had to do this game in AP Psychology. Within that time, me, Casey, Mallory, some dude named Cody, and Rachael all went to the cafeteria for this game. Somehow, it ended up being a full-on bashing of our teacher. Sure, my teacher has his flaws, but I didn’t think he was that bad. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I guess I’m not a typical teenager yet, thankfully, even if I am pubescent. We got onto the subject as to how I’m an atheist after I referred to, “winter solstice presents.” But yeah. I think that dude named Cody is an atheist, too, but I wasn’t sure whether I should have asked him about it or not. He’s a cool guy either way, even if he halted my speech to point out that I was using too many “big words.” And he’s graduating next year.

In math, we had to have a partner to take our quiz. There was no one for me to partner up with. So, I ended up with this dumb chick who is retaking the course. Oh, god. Never, ever again. I did the majority of the work. She had no farking clue. She got me a bit angry, yeah. It’s amazing how oblivious a person can be, even if you’ve been instructed about this stuff for the past two weeks. Sure, I zone out from time to time. I don’t attend fully to the lecture, I admit, but I knew more than she did. A lot more, and before the quiz, I thought I knew very little about the subject we were being questioned on. Decidedly, she did not make me feel stupid at all. In fact, she made me question the intellect of most of my classmates, seeing as she was my Second Encounter of the Teenage Kind for today.

I have little to no respect for my fellow classmates.  The conclusion that these people are, indeed, the ones who will led the population out of the acceleration of global warming and any other godforsaken crises depresses me wholly. We are all doomed. They want the terrorists to win, you see! And the martians!

This should be a night to be remembered

… “We’ll remember. You can be sure of that. I should feel like things are getting better, but I don’t. Why should be anything but strangers, in clothes that we don’t own? A thinking man said, ‘I could never be half as close to you, as you are to me.’”

Things started making sense today.

I love being happy for absolutely no reason. And for every reason, too, yeah. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can, indeed, be happy, even if all of my problems aren’t solved.

But anyways. It’s quite surprising how absolutely wonderful people can be. I guess I never thought of people being friendly, but people around school actually are. And that thought comforts me. Some skater dude came up to me and talked to me. I knew him in eighth grade and he rides my bus right now, but he accosted me without hesitation. That was a bit cool.

People are just getting nicer, I think. People compliment me more than they ever have. I prefer to attribute credence to people in this instance as opposed to, say, I’m getting better looking or I’m becoming more approachable, because that’s just not optimistic. That’s just egotistical. But I told Mary this and she said that I do not look insecure anymore and that it is easier for me to compliment me without sounding like they are trying to boost my self-esteem. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve ever looked insecure, but I guess I’d never know.

Randy can be a bit stupid most of the time. But every now and then, he has this really wise moment that actually helps. Kind of like Logan, only Logan’s not stupid all the time like Randy is. But anyways. I was discussing the whole Debbie thing about a week ago, and Randy was like, “Yeah, but is it worth it?” I have to say, that’s the most profound thing I’ve ever heard him say. But it got me thinking. Right now, it’s not worth it at all. I told him that, and he said that I shouldn’t worry about it, then. Gosh, it’s such a great thing that we don’t have classes together. But then again, if we had classes together, that would change the course of things altogether, and we might not be in this situation. Oh, Back to the Future, what could I do without you?

So things are coming together, you know. Things are getting better. Slowly, but surely, they are.

We keep expecting snow. They keep giving us these announcements foretelling a two-hour delay. But they do not tell us to just not show up on time the following day, so they send us to a website, where we anxiously await this message. Because seriously- I need so much sleep. But of course not, because the only time we ever have delays is when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS.

I was thinking about the probability of it snowing today last night, and I was pondering the thought of getting excited over it. I was getting all excited about it, but I kept thinking that if I were to get excited about it, it wouldn’t snow at all. That happened to pretty much any other optimistic thought that came into my head. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it does not matter at all if I think about this or not because it has no affect on the weather. That stopped me, yeah.

Uh, dude. Just.. Gross, okay. ‘Nuff said. I’m a bit skeptical of the article, but the comments are pretty funny, though. K, now there’s ’nuff said.

My next-door neighbor was featured in the newspaper this week. He’s not the best role model for anyone who has a healthy brain stem, and yet he’s featured in the newspaper. It’s quite sad how he’s the only person from our town featured in the newspaper, and how he’s going to be the epitome of whatever people think of our town. He represents our town now. Gross, too.

I married the madness that left me alone in the dark

… “Wrote her a letter, ‘I’ll shiver without you tonight,” I did everything right, I did everything I thought was right.”

Did Black Friday. I woke up at one twenty or so. Since one twenty, I’ve slept a total of one hour and ten minutes. So, essentially, I slept for about five hours last night? AND I’M STILL ROLLIN’!

But anyways, it was freaking freezing. Oh, and we got a huuuuuuge tv. I don’t understand why. But we now have one. Somehow, it reminds me of the whole barn scenario, even if I was there when we bought the tv, haha. But anyways. There wasn’t enough room for me in the car, given the tv, so I had to sit on top of the box. Yes, teh box. It was very awkward and uncomfortable. And it certainly made me feel loved, too.

My little brother is begging for a DS Lite. He already has a DS. Mind you, that’s the second DS that has been in this household, because the first one Andy received for Christmas last year. He decided that he didn’t like it, and gave it back to my father along with twenty dollars. Gosh- CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME.

But don’t get me wrong- he can always make me smile. Like this instance:

Andy: OMGZ I’m going to put my ornament next to Santa Claus!

Me: It’s not something to applaud necessarily, seeing as the ornament symbolizing Santa Claus has dreads.

Andy: He’s going gangster.

Me: Gangsters don’t have dreads.

*Andy picks up Santa Claus*

Andy: Yo.

So lame, haha.

Uh, but yeah. I think I’m going to not care and start digging Fall Out Boy again. I should give them another shot, since I loved their first couple of records. Oh, Honorable Mention, how I loved you so.

Anyways. Time for a subject change.

naive:
Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system; one who still tries to do things in an intuitive way, rather than the right way (in really good designs these coincide, but most designs aren’t “really good” in the appropriate sense). This trait is completely unrelated to general maturity or competence or even competence at any other specific program. It is a sad commentary on the primitive state of computing that the natural opposite of this term is often claimed to be “experienced user” but is really more like “cynical user”.

So, am I naive? My friends consider me to be naive, but then again, they equate naivety with innocence, which I think is irrelevant.

I tend to think of people as better than they actually are. It’s quite illogical for me to think this way, but I suppose it is just to comfort myself. Because, in the most reasonable sense, people have no reason to have one drop of goodness within them- just because we exist and have higher intelligence than other living organisms on this planet, it doesn’t have to mean that we are better than they are morally. And it’s not like goodness is quantifiable, either.

It troubles me to think that a person can inflict pain on another person for no apparent reason, mostly because I don’t do that myself. I don’t have any secrets; I try to remain as honest as I can with people, and for that reason, it’s hard for me to imagine a person with intentions that are not immediately apparent. That isn’t to say that I do not keep things from people, everyone does that, but I do not actively try to keep an aspect of myself or of my life hidden from people.
… And for that reason, I find myself somewhat naive.

The concept of rumination just weirds me out, yeah. Because when it comes down to it, I end up defining myself when I reflect on those things. But that’s the antithesis of whatever I try to accomplish when I ruminate, because when you start defining things, it ends defining what you should be, not how you are. And quite honestly, I’m a walking contradiction, so defining myself is quite difficult. That could be said about anyone, though.

Normally, I don’t care about how other people perceive me. When I started questioning my sexuality, one of the things that held me off of coming out to people was that Amanda shouldn’t be interested in people who happen to have an extra X chromosome. But I really am. All of my social connotations are equated with the term, Amanda, while the way I see myself or how I perceive things is how I see them. I suppose it makes sense, since reference to the third person implies a social context. I don’t know if that’s universal, though. I would hope that it is, but I cannot assure myself that.
Oh, Amanda is so cute and innocent. But in actuality, I’m just being myself, and I don’t see myself as cute or innocent. It’s amazing how far off-base people are when they first meet me. People often think that I’m extremely religious because of how I look and act, I suppose. Because of that, they wouldn’t dare question my sexual orientation. Oh, and most people find me to be extremely stupid when they meet me, too. But that’s only when I do not use every seventy-five cent word that comes to mind.

Dear god, I cry almost every time I watch this. I absolutely love My So-Called Life, despite the overwhelming angst. Unfortunate, though, that it lasted only twenty episodes. And that I watch them, on repeat, sometimes.

You say you’ve got a headache and it won’t go away

… “But I’m part of that problem and you want me to stay. . . I’m a ball of emotion, you’re a half-open book, but I can’t read a thing, so it’s not looking good. But it can. You breathe so they can- all those men.”

Things are getting exponentially better. I guess. I fell asleep during first and second period today. My AP Psychology teacher is so suave. He comes in for three seconds, puts on a video and leaves because he has a meeting or something. I don’t blame him for it, I just find it a bit funny.

I’m volunteering for the Festival of Trees soon. It’s going to be fun because Riza’s there, yeah.
Oh, and by the way- he’s absolutely everywhere. And I love it more than you could imagine. But then again, Riza says that I’m really pathetic. But kinda, not really- because I actually told him how I feel. Sure, it was two years late but I done-did it.

I was watching Current the other day and this dude came on screen and he was talking about after shooting this movie in the wild, that people started to look really funny to him. He said something that I’ll probably remember for a while, it was along the lines of:

“When I came back to Hollywood, people just started to look funnier to me. Everything people did just seemed so impractical to me. This isn’t to say that I think people in Hollywood are superficial- people are people, but they just began to look very silly to me.”

I admit, I’ve called people, “superficial,” before, but the way he stated it made me question whether that is a valid qualifier. Quite honestly, it isn’t. People who supposedly lead superficial lives do not believe it is superficial because it’s not something one really works toward. So, technically, they are being true to themselves. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way, but I’m very glad that I did.

I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner once more this year for the family. I just hope that my mom doesn’t get all, “OMGZ, cook this and this and this and this.” and critique me. If I remember correctly- you have little to no aptitude for any kind of culinary art. Yeah.

Cut it out, don’t think about it.

“Some of them are thinking of you but they can’t be here.”

“All the technology is confused and unrecognizable, everything is magic, but lifeless.”
Profound, yeah. After you read it through, it’s quite inspiring. I like it. And the climax of this thing begins where you see the boat, it’s almost like seeing a movie and dramatic music starts playing. That was nice.

But anyways. I was watching The Final Cut the other night. It’s set in a future in which people have the option of having chips implanted in a person’s brain while they are still in the womb for the purpose of recording all of their experiences as they are alive, so they can be reviewed and used as a eulogy of sorts. The main character is this dude who is a Cutter, which is a person who interviews the dead person’s relatives and friends and such to bring together the eulogy by taking bits and pieces out of the entire movie of their life. It is advised for the parents to let their child know that they have this implant when they are 21, although, the main dude’s parents died before they could inform him that he has an implant. He finds out one way or another, and tries to figure out a way to disable it. This is a profound moment in the movie, but I suppose he did not want his cutter to see all the things he has?

But anyways, he finds a place where they give him a tattoo that disables the chip. This tattoo comes in installments, and he actually dies gets killed before the process is complete. Aw, I don’t want to give it all away, no. But seriously, I loved this movie. I especially loved how they stressed that this whole thing changed the society within the movie. There were people protesting these implants, which I greatly appreciated. I think I liked it so much only because I hadn’t expected that aspect of it.

It’s a very emotional movie- I feel like I should take something away from this. Even if it is a sci-fi film, I feel there’s something I’m supposed to learn from this. Maybe this was supposed to make me reevaluate how important memories are. Or maybe to accept that people are corrupt as a whole and it’s just another aspect of being human. Perhaps it is a wake up call? To gain perspective on our lives instead of having this myopic view?

… I don’t know. I’m trying to find a deeper theme besides, “The things you do suck now, so get your act together.”

It’s a glorious day

… “And my lonely heart is tired again, I would starve for your attention. Ever since you went away, I miss you more every day.”

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m pretty angry at you right now.

Debbie ftl! :
I realized that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
How so? I didn’t think I made it glaringly obvious until now

Debbie ftl!:
You’ve just been avoiding me lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you care, or do you just want to stop this friendship thing?

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Because the only reason why I’m angry is because I don’t feel like you care about me

Debbie ftl!:
Of course I care, and I’m not a person who justs ends friendships like that.

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t see why you got to that conclusion.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I don’t know, it’s just that things haven’t been like they were before

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I keep thinking that you don’t want me around or I’m annoying you or something

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, no.

Debbie ftl!:
I just have a lot of things going on with me right now.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So you don’t hate me or anything and you want to stay friends

Debbie ftl!:
Basically…but if you don’t want to be friends, then that’s your decision…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again. :
Of course I want to stay friends with you. I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while that you care, yeah.

Debbie ftl!:
Alright, but I’m not really good at that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
but you were before

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, well I haven’t been feeling so great lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Why not?

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t know.

Debbie ftl!:
Because I suck.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I’m waiting for you to elaborate further, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to happen

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So this means I can see you in the mornings again and instant message you freely now

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
:D

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, I guess, they’re your decisions, not mine.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
When you say things like that, it feels like you don’t want me around

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
That’s the point

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you want me to hang around you anymore?

Debbie ftl!:
Yea…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Okay.

________

So, I guess things are fine with us. I don’t know. I still feel a bit uneasy but I’m hoping things are going to get better. For some reason, even if that’s what I said before, I don’t feel like I said the entire truth. No, I know exactly why I didn’t tell her the entire truth. But I will still stand by what I said earlier, during the summer:

“I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.”

I suppose the idea that I can inflict emotional pain on another person surprises me. I’ve always found that ability absolutely impractical so I’ve never made a point to use it. I’ve always tried so hard to keep myself from hurting other people. It’s not that I’m a people-pleaser, I suppose I like to stay neutral with everyone. Absolutely indifferent, yeah.

But lately, especially with Debbie, I haven’t been trying to remain indifferent. Quite the contrary. Shelley and Mary were talking to me about how Debbie is growing up and how she’s growing out of me our friendship. It’s so weird knowing that you, or your relationship with someone, can be considered a phase. Temporary, secondary, far from essential and some kind of “natural selection,” figuratively speaking, of course.

Mary and Shelley also told me that I am the physical manifestation of beauty? They were quite serious about it, too. It’s a huge compliment, I will not deny that. To state it frankly- I’ve never taken the time to think about whether I think I am attractive or not. It’s a sad thing, yeah, but I’ve always remained neutral when it comes to those things. I find it very pointless to do so. I dislike how physical beauty is not something that is deserved; it’s something that you are given. Like a dog or a waffle maker. And yet, it ultimately determines how likely one will be to pass on their genes- as sad as it is, that is how we’ve evolved to see whether a person is compatible to be with and if we can achieve genetic diversity with that person. I dislike how much value we place on physical beauty, because it’s not something one can help or detract.

With me, even if I may be physically attractive, I do not value it that much. I do not work to accentuate my physical attributes. My intellect is the thing I truly value about myself, and that is something I can help. I can always learn more things and gain new perspectives on life. Despite the “technological” advances we have reached to change the way we are, I don’t think I will embrace those as much as I do with intellectual change. I will not say that I hate how attractive I supposedly am, because without it, I probably would not be so lucky as I am now socially. I know how shallow that sounds, but that is how people are. This is how we’ve evolved to be- that’s another thing we cannot help.

And so, people love me. Three people, yeah. It’s a bit weird for me to realize because I like who I am, but I didn’t think other people saw it, too. Not to mention that:

a.) One of them just keeps annoying me and pushes themselves on me. I mean, really- I’m not touchy-feely in the first place, and she’s all over me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand her, either, but I won’t go there for now.

b.) Yah, the other one has a boyfriend. She’s not one that I have to worry about.

c.) I’m not sure if this one’s serious. Actually, no, she’s very serious.

I don’t dig any of these people back. I wish one of them would just leave me alone but that won’t happen since I’ve known her for too long. The thing I hate, though, is that she is just being this way now because she knows that I can dig girls. I dig girls, but not her. I don’t think I ever will like her in that way, because she annoys me so much.

I carried the world just as far as I could

…”But the damage was taking its toll. You used to call my name every hour of every day, how I lived to hear that sound, but every sound gets washed away, we washed away.”

I guess I should begin letting go of Debbie, yeah. I guess this friendship isn’t working, I don’t know. But Mary told me not to think about it too much, because it’ll only get worse. Mary is an expert in this field- she’s mostly logical (except for the whole OMGZ astrology thing. But I won’t hold that against her entirely.) So, I’m just not going to talk to Debbie. Or anything. Who would’ve thunk it?

Gosh, nobody’s getting along anymore.

I’m going to a party later on tonight, hopefully it’ll get me into a good mood. I miss everyone so much.

Except for the fact that my brother is coming with me to play with her brother, yeah.

… The sad thing is, it’s already eaten away at my soul so much. But I think that’s in combination with the absolute not-love I’ve been receiving lately. Somehow, it only feels like Megan and Shelley care about me.

The other day, I was talking to Christina Pung in english. We were talking about Allie and somehow, she said that Allie isn’t really popular and the only thing people value about her is that she’s rich. I had the impulse to defend her or to somehow lessen the intensity of her statement, but for some reason, I thought to myself that we aren’t friends anymore and I don’t need to do that anymore. You know, fake things like that.

Oh, things are only getting worse. And I’m getting quite tired of trying to remain sanguine because it only works in the most topical way. I don’t want to have to do that anymore, because acting like you’re happy or telling yourself that your current circumstance is not as bad as it seems, only obscures the real problems and provide no solutions. It’s so much more energy wasted, yah? It’s almost as bad as not acknowledging it at all.

Oh, I’m reading my old comments from my friends. When, you know, we got along. Or when they thought I was worthy, or whatever.

… I care what Mary says, but really, I feel absolutely terrible about this. She says I did nothing wrong and I should not worry about it. But I cannot help but think about it and hope she comes around. I realize there are other, more important people in my life than her, but you know, I never thought this would happen with us. And this entire thing is eating away at my soul. And right now, I’m very angry at her for doing this to me. I’ve done nothing but try to be the best friend I can be to her and this happens. I don’t deserve this at all.

Gosh darn it, now I feel a bit empowered. I could kick a puppy right now.

Why does she have to be so frustrating?!

My eyes can’t look at you any other way.

…”In time I’d find a little way to your heart, down to the general store for nothing specific, gonna wash my bones in the Atlantic shore - only for you and me.”

I met someone today.

SHE’S THE ULTIMATE AMANDA CLONE.

And, she loves teh womenz. So, yah. It’s nice to think about somebody other than Logan in that way of, you know, possibility.

I haven’t been able to say this about anyone else I have met, but we absolutely connected after we spoke today, for the first time. She just kept surprising me with things I wanted to hear. I could’ve talked to her for hours. She has this passion for language that I do, she’s an atheist as well. AND SHE’S A HIPPIE. She is in a military family, yah. She’s as old as I am, but she skipped a grade because she is actually intelligent. She listens to the same kind of music I listen to. She’s just the kind of person I need right now to stop feeling so darned alienated from the rest of the teenage population around here. She’s like,  a less eloquent, more outspoken, not as attractive, version of that man I dig. But still, she’s interesting.

Band of Horses is a band I’ve been listening to a lot lately. They were featured on Current a while back, and lately I’ve been hearing their stuff, and I enjoy it fully. This dream indie rock is quite cool. I need to explore this genre more.

Ah, but anyways. I started crying today when I accidentally thought the phrase, “There is no such thing as permanence.” I have to say, though, I was so much happier a few months ago. The only positive change as of late has been the whole omgz Logan ordeal, but that is all. Everything has gotten worse. I don’t even know where I stand with my friends, and I think I’ve been trying too hard to keep up with my friendships because I feel like I’m smothering Debbie, which is making me pull away from her for now. It’s either I don’t see them enough and I love them too much, or I see them too often and they annoy me to death. But happiness is never achieved because our psyche is so flawed. Somehow, I feel happiness can be truly appreciated with hindsight.

… And for some reason, I get the feeling they don’t love me as much as I love them.

I am tired of messing things up, though. I seem to go through months of doing everything just right, and then a bout of just screwing everything up.  I’m so tired of people yelling at me.

We had a substitute teacher today in math. She was Russian. She had a plethora of experiences to speak of. People like her make me wonder about all the other, absolutely wonderful people on this planet who are worth noting- the people who are saturated in knowledge and experience.

I live in notes and photographs

… “And everything I’m holding back, like all the words that weren’t enough, you remind me of a song I used to love.”

If I have done anything stupid before in my life, they no longer count.

I just admitted to the only person that I’ll ever love… Yah, you can see where this is going. I am really surprised as to how relieved I actually feel. I don’t really care about it, actually. I’m just curious as to what is going to occur next. I’m not that ashamed of myself for it, and quite honestly, I only feel bad when other people tell me that I did a stupid thing. And I throw the idea out later.

But yes, I did not manage to sound like an obsessed freak, or at least, I hope not. I conveyed my ideas well and somewhat clearly, although the structure was more or less muddled since I hadn’t thought it through that much. But sometimes, the only road to recovery progress is through spontaneity. I’ve come to expect that I shouldn’t have to wait until I am absolutely certain about something in order to take action. And, this is the only life I have to live? I just hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship, or acquaintance-ship, or whatever social bond we have.  But it’s not like I would be losing much, anyways.

And, of course, as a result of this, I can be honest with myself instead of trying to cover things up. I’m getting prepared for rejection without even crying, so I think life’s going to be getting alot better from now on. Maybe I really can get over him? yah!

… Because you’re his cheeseburger, his yummy cheeseburger, he’ll wait for you, yah! He’ll wait for you, oh! :D Veggietales make me feel less alone?

Everybody else in the universe gets some, except for Amanda. D: