We’re reading, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God,” in english. This is honestly the best proof of why religious people are freaking crazy.

And so it is, just like you said it would be

Since I haven’t written anywhere in a while, I’m just going to put it all out there today. I don’t really talk about my feelings too much anymore anyway.

My AP Psychology teacher from last year stopped by the office on Tuesday. He congratulated me on my score on the AP exam and everything. Honestly, there was not a better time for someone to bring that up to me. I felt so overwhelmed that day… I mean, the AP exam was a really inspiring event to look back on. I worked hard, and it paid off. I gave it my all and it worked. That was something I really needed to think about and remember.

… And, incidentally, my teacher actually talks about me a lot in his class now. Debbie told me about it because she’s in his class now. He talks about his Super Sophomore (which was the only sophomore who ever took his class) that got a five on the exam.

My english teacher stopped me in the hall before school yesterday and talked to me about my essay. He said he really liked my Montaigne essay and that I was “soaring.” However, he told me that I didn’t have a complete essay so it cost me some points. The sad thing is, if I had more than a class period to do it, I’m pretty sure that I would not have had a difficult time finishing the essay. He said that I was concise and comprehensive in my essay and that I should not sacrifice that in order to finish the essay or something. I want to interpret what he said that way, haha. I’ll get better at filling these english essays out as the year goes on. We had tons of in-class essays last year and I don’t think I ever finished before the period ended. So I never really had a complete essay in that class. At least I know now that my writing style isn’t inadequate for this class. I am beginning to feel like all of the techniques I had before in my classes and the quality of my work before are inadequate for the classes I am taking now. I have no reason to feel that way, but I do.

I am getting very worried about my career path. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wanted so much to be part of the biological sciences but it suddenly occurred to me that I have no idea how people make a living in that area. What do they do besides being employed by pharmaceutical companies? Another thing I was considering was something that had to do with words and writing. I mean, writing and literature and all those things have always come easily to me. I love working with words and seeing the magic that can come from them. Except now that I’m in AP Language, it’s becoming a drag. We talk about diction and how authors use it as a way to further their arguments. I don’t understand how it is so important to be able to identify it and everything because it seems so arbitrary. And whenever I’m writing, I know that there has never been an instance in which I have thought, “Oh! Anadiplosis would sound great here!” You know, it always just comes out a certain way, and I don’t think Captain John Smith thought that using anaphora would make his journal entry more uh, persuasive. Because of this, I am finding this cult of language a bit stupid. Hopefully I’ll get past this, but it’s not looking good. I just need some amazing realization to occur.

Today, I was considering becoming a teacher. I want to have a job in which I learn a lot and continue to learn as I get older. And you know, who does not appreciate the ego-boost one receives as one knows more about a given subject than anyone else in the room. You know, being able to inundate your students with information that you picked up someplace. I love that. I also like the idea of being able to change someone’s life and make it better and set them up for success in that way. The whole philanthropic aspect of it attracts me to it. Except teachers are grossly underpaid for the amount of work they do, I suck at explaining things, and it would be so draining for me psychologically since I worry a lot about things.

Another possibility is becoming a translator. I like the idea of earning a lot of money because of the knowledge of six or seven languages. Even if learning new languages sucks, I think I could dig it if I work hard enough. Learning the language is the only hard part.

I got the new Jack’s record a few days ago. It’s taken a while to grow on me, but now that it has, this is easily my AOTY. Oh, oh-oh-oh. God, that part has been stuck in my head for days. Love that song. It is so relaxing. Even if I primarily appreciate the poetry within all of Andrew’s works, and this record does not really have any of the literary genius like his others did, it’s catchy. I don’t know, maybe I just didn’t listen hard enough, but the most clever thing I’ve heard is the Suicide Blonde thing. And the Annie Use Your Telescope thing. Which only took forever for me to figure out. I haven’t watched the bonus DVD that I ordered yet, I’m not sure when I will actually watch it because I was planning on watching it after the record fully grew on me and got old. So I guess when I know all the lyrics and things, I’ll watch it.

I checked out the Damien Rice record from the library a few days ago. I listen to “The Blower’s Daughter,” constantly. I love it. It is so passionate and beautiful. Hence the title. I feel like I need to get a little deeper into the music world again. I’ve been neglecting it a lot during the past couple of months.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I was in ninth grade. God, I was so pragmatic. I was so hung up on rationality and everything. I forgot about my feelings a lot. But I like the way that person was because I was just so smart , then. I was on top of everything. I caught every cue and intonation a person made and made a quick judgment about it. It’s more subtle now, but before it was cool noticing how people really wear their hearts on their sleeve. I really managed to understand people and the way they act and how their actions that they do unintentionally reveal a lot about what means a lot to them or what they think. I was so unforgiving, too. And I really lived up to my values. I was ruthless. I fail to maintain simultaneously all of the mantras I used to carry around with me. I fully embraced the idea that my life is the only one I will have. I never wasted a second. I didn’t get on the computer or watch tv as much because it wastes so much time. God, my whole environmental thing, too. And the whole Adbusters phase. How I wouldn’t eat packaged food even if it meant starving for the rest of the day. How I wouldn’t drink bottled water from the vending machine because I knew it is idiosyncratic of exploitation. I didn’t eat fast food unless it was absolutely necessary. I was constantly questioning my beliefs about the world and other people’s beliefs. I would write in the margins of papers things to think about later. I miss that. Mavbe that was a result of my medication, now that I think about it. I started my new meds at around the end of this year and I am by no means comparable in terms of capacity or strength now than last year.

School has been much more stressful than I imagined, but I am becoming more optimistic about things. I am getting better at managing my time, but I am nowhere near becoming used to the way things are done in APUSH. APUSH stresses me out more than my other classes, but I really enjoy the class so I’ll stick with it. But really, school is taking over my life now that I have a heavier load. As much as I enjoy having work and being preoccupied and being constantly stimulated like this (god, I’m never bored anymore) it is still a huge change of pace and I miss being able to do everything that I want to do. Suddenly, I’ve become so inspired by everything and find things that I want to do but I simply do not have the time to go through with it. I mean, god, I am finally in a relationship in which I am almost entirely content with, and I don’t even have time to spend with my homie. That’s terrible. It’s just getting harder to keep up with things now that we only spend about ten minutes every day with each other. And yeah, those days in which he walks to me at work are considered a luxury, even if it is only for fifteen minutes. Terrible.

It’s spectacular, though. Now that I’m in higher level classes, it really shows how different I am from everyone else. Yeah, in that way. I’ve decided that I need to come to terms with this thing more. This is something I have to live with. I am different. I mean, I learned a long time ago that in order to get anywhere that I have to work harder than everyone else does. That is extremely apparent. But I don’t have time anymore to work that hard all the time. I have five classes to maintain, and none of them are slacker classes. My study period is a godsend, but it doesn’t add much in terms of heavy duty assignments and studying. I can use that period to get all the quick work out of the way, but even then, it’s really hard to come home and read my APUSH assignment two or three times (which is something I would typically do for AP Psychology last year, and anything else that I would be tested on, really); I don’t have enough time to go over the chem chapter to make sure that I understand everything (which is something I would definitely be doing more often if I had the time); I don’t have enough time to go over the math lesson more than once in order to know that I understand it for sure. And we all know that whole flash card thing is something I need to revise.

It’s all driving me crazy- I’ll admit it right now. I am compulsively making lists of things I need to get done. Really, the only thing I think about lately is what I have left to do. Dad told me that when he was in school, it was a rare occasion to ever have homework. That notion absolutely boggles my mind at this point.

Or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad, bad days just to end them with, someone you care about

School hasn’t been too bad. The hardest part is getting up in bed, really. I couldn’t be any more satisfied with my schedule. I have three periods with Megan.

But honestly, as much as I love Amelia and Courtnee them, I am just so tired of being around people now. Nothing ever changes. We pull the same stuff every day- oh, hahahahalfkjdasfds, you were brave enough to discuss sex, how funny. You are so scandalous. Let’s talk about school next. And how we are so exhausted. I feel so sorry for you. And how we just don’t want to be hanging out around here. And god, they can sure be witty sometimes, but even that is getting boring, even if I used to think that charisma is valuable. Perhaps I only thought that because it felt so rare. After spending a year essentially alone, I am left somewhat changed.

And god, the entire boyfriend situation. I really just don’t know how to handle having a boyfriend and the whole affection thing with my friends around. Mostly Megan. I don’t want to piss her off or annoy her, because I know that I certainly get annoyed by it, she gets annoyed by enough people- she doesn’t need me to begin annoying her- but I don’t want to blow him off either. I mean it’s like, duh, of course I like my boyfriend and think he’s cool and everything like that. I just don’t feel like I should show it or anything. It doesn’t help that I don’t have any time to see him or talk to him during the week, either, really. This thing is just getting really difficult to maintain. But I know I would be substantially less happy if the alternative were to come into being.

And what, I go to my job for a few hours, only to feel even more pretentious and fake than I am at school. I just feel very overwhelmed right now. I know that I only stress myself out by saying this, but I really cannot afford to screw up this year. I’m tired of letting myself down. God, usually when I’m stressed out, I want to just absorb myself in work, but that only works when I’m stressed about things other than school. The only state that I’ve been in for a while is absorbed in work, thanks to the advent of summer assignments.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender politics lately. I was reading a book the other day, and a transsexual man said that he looked down at his vagina, and hated it so much because it made him a woman. After I read that, it really hit me. I mean, this thing is the reason why I’m considered less intelligent than I really am, less credible, frivolous, and just not as important as men are. I am seen in this way unless proven otherwise. That pisses me off.

Another thing that gets me angry is that, of course, I am faced with religion even more than during the summer. I hate having to shut myself up so I don’t get all offensive. I have to do the pledge of allegiance this year because I have to speak it in spanish. It’s for a grade. Oh, yeah, I also have to see all this stupid misogyny everywhere. And for some reason, as much as I like AP US, I feel like crying in the class. Some things my teacher says just offends me so much. She isn’t trying to be offensive, she’s trying to be funny or she’s merely telling the truth, it still really sucks.

Here’s something…

Sarah Palin makes me feel embarrassed to be a woman.

We’re talk, talking a lot but it’s still talk

… “You’ve got to love how it’s somehow all on me. All the petty things, and all the pretty things, say whatever you want because I can laugh it off.”

I went to maze last week. My picture turned out really nicely. I have two classes with Megan– I couldn’t be any happier with my schedule. Summer’s ending and I am still working on my dialectic journal. I have about a hundred entries so far, and I am nowhere near finished yet. I am about halfway through reviewing my annotations.

I slept over at Megan’s house the night before maze. We went to the fair. It was a lot of fun, but we went on two rides and they both absolutely scared us, although the first ride was much worse than the second one. Our slumber par-tay was a success, or at least, I think it was. We had a lot of girly time together. I can dig that.

Mmph, my writing skills suck as of late. I should have written here more this summer.

We’ll remember, you can be sure of that

I have to admit, I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frightened in my life. I consistently arrive at the conclusion that I can’t allow myself to be this comfortable.

I saw Señora Reynolds today. I talked to her for about twenty minutes. I love that woman.

I am working again. I have forty four binders to fill up for an art meeting and I just finished making all the copies. The table I am working at is a mess. As well as the floor. And my desk. And the space around the copy machine, essentially.

Summer is really over from now on, though. D:

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. There isn’t that much to talk about. I’m going to make some vanilla lemonade, peace out.

I’ll take you to my boxcar on the beach

I finished An American Childhood today. I have one more read and then I’m done.

I also spent most of today archiving my magazines. That only took forever and it was so not worth it but I can finally get all these vanity magazines OUT OF MY HOUSE. I do not need these and have not needed them for years and I am glad to throw them out.

You’ll be miss, miss California

… So jazzed about this new record. This b-side is great, and I really dug Cellular Phone.

I got a hamster a few days ago. She’s easily the prettiest hamster I have ever seen. I named her Rasmukihin even if Rasmukihin is supposed to be a guy’s name.

I’ve always wanted to get into tatting. I love lace, there isn’t anything I appreciate more on an item of clothing than lace. But considering the fact that I cannot crochet to save my life, I am left somewhat hesitant in the pursuit of tatting, haha.

Measure for measure

I finished reading Coming of Age in Mississippi. I finished it within a solid two days. I slammed the book down as if it were a football and exclaimed, “Yes!”—it’s great having that book out of the way. If only I did not have to finish reading An American Childhood, even if it is beautifully written, I have no idea why Dillard added all these extra scenarios. All of these stories she writes are so unrelated. I am trying my hardest to come up with some connection between them, to no avail.

I went to payroll today and they told me that we turned in my time sheet too late, so I will be paid in August… Thankfully, she returned and told me that I can come by their office on the 31st to get my check. BUT! I still have loads of money already, which motivated me to buy two pairs of shoes and a sweater online. Swt. Even if I need a purse or something desperately, and new blouses, which are virtually impossible to find anymore, since I am especially frugal even with this overabundance of money. Mmph.

You guys know about my major obsession with Project Runway, but I was not particularly bummed out when I saw this. I think it was because it is the beginning of the season. I was fine up until I actually began reading the chart, man, Jennifer had potential. But let’s not indoctrinate this sort of thing, so I’ll just say that it’s the beginning of the season and I don’t care.

Mom and dad said that I can have another hamster if I clean up the old cage. It’s already clean, but mom and dad want me to clean it since it’s been unused for like, two years. The struggle has begun already.

Haha, yeah, I’m working on HTML and stuff on individual entries. This is extraordinarily fun, although, it led me to compulsively seek webpages to add. I know, I’m really lame.

Reaching into the future is as good as the past now

I discovered yesterday afternoon that Project Runway was back on television… The night after it premiered. Thank goodness for the incessant and omnipresent condition television channels possess, which move them to air the same episodes over and over.

Riza called me on my cell phone yesterday- I happened to be in my the same room as my cell phone at the time. I don’t understand why she called my cell phone- everyone knows that I do not use it. She sent me three text messages wishing me a happy birthday; asking how me and Cody are; and pleading me not to disclose her desire to obtain any information about him to him. I really don’t know what to do. Mom told me that I should not feel guilty about anything because, well, they broke up a very long time ago. And as much as I love my boyfriend, I just don’t know whether I should actually tell him about this. He’s gone for a week and there’s virtually no way to get in touch with him, so I’m pretty much on my own here.

My grandmother sent me a money order of a hundred dollars for my birthday. I feel incredibly guilty because I don’t need this money, and she does, quite tragically.

I might get another hamster. I would love to name him either Raskolnikov, Razumikhin, or Juozapas. Razumikhin seems more suitable for a hamster than the other ones.

Cut my tears up and down the door.

I’m sixteen today.

I don’t know, days like these are a link to the past, but that’s only because days like this are assigned meaning. Days like this are stupid. I am certainly happier than I’ve ever been, or at least, I think so. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, with a plausible reason, that is.

I was certainly lied to, though- no paycheck yesterday.

The Jack’s preorder is going up on the 30th and I’m definitely going to buy it. So jazzed about this new record.

… Even if any mention of the release date is non-existent.

So distant and weird

I finished reading The Jungle yesterday. Wow, I have never read a more depressing book in my life.

But aside from that, I have not been doing much besides going to work and hanging out with Cody. I am allotted three days per week to spend with him, one of those days have to be spent at my house. As much of a gift as that is, it makes the days in which I don’t see him absolutely interminable. I hate myself. I miss Megan a lot, too, but I don’t know what we could possibly set up and how I should actually get in touch with her. As it is, I am growing tired of myself being the sole confidante of my affairs, and I am sure she has plenty to tell me about, too. I love Megan a lot, she’s probably exhausted from tedium and mundanity, and I’d love to palliate that somehow.

I have been searching for clothes to buy for myself. I have plenty of money as it happens, and I will receive more within a few days. My birthday is coming up, too, which even further implies the inheritance of money! Such an overabundance is strange, and sadly, I am still very cheap and cannot spend money as freely as I would want to. And even then, I really don’t know what I want to buy for myself.

The Shock Doctrine finally arrived at the library today. I’ve waited for this book ever since February, and even though I haven’t thoroughly examined it, I have to admit that it is pretty gosh-darned boring, and I feel slightly disappointed.

Usually during the summer, I become overwhelmed with nostalgia and try to find things which used to stimulate me in the past. Maybe I’ve been to busy lately or I’ve just grown out of it, but I don’t feel a need to do that for myself anymore. I haven’t taken the time to think of it, but my life has changed in so many ways as a result of this year that I cannot even begin to understand its effect on me. I mean, last summer, I spent lots of time with Debbie; I was absolutely pumped for the new Starting Line record; I planned on the summer being primarily craft-centered; I was so absolutely confused about the entire Kai scenario that I believed it would never resolve itself; I was questioning my sexuality in its entirety and I vowed never to speak of it to anyone; I was going through one of the most prolonged and meaningful intellectual evolutions ever, really.

And how about now? I never speak to Debbie; The Starting Line broke up; I really don’t care about crafts as much anymore; I never speak to Kai anymore; Discussing my sexuality with my parents was one of the most intensely poignant experiences of my life that I never want to relive again; I am too hyped up on dopamine and oxytocin to care about much else, haha. These differences are small in comparison to the other things that affected me this year, but it illustrates something, hopefully.

But wow, Debbie. She meant a lot to me. God, just thinking of last summer and how happy I was because of her.

So, excerpts from archived entries under the cut.

These words consume her but they never set her free

This was originally written on June 6, but I just recovered it from my drafts today. So, enjoy the melancholia.

I’ve been feeling extremely insecure lately. I’m not sure why. I suppose I just feel like I’ve been fooling myself into believing that I have such an absolute and incontrovertible identity. A few chapters ago we were discussing how people go through stages in which they try to figure out who they are, and what could result if one just gives up on trying to establish an identity altogether. I was reading about it thinking, wow, I know myself too well and I won’t have to go through that. I understand that the way I respond to situations change and there’s really not much to think about when it comes to an identity as long as you realize that, well, you vary. I don’t know if that applies anymore. Sure, I can pull this confident bravado of mine and tell myself that I think I’m so wonderful, beautiful, and brilliant, up to the point at which I believe it, but for some reason I’ve taken to reconsider such an assumption.

I’m such a wreck. I have been ignoring most of the problems that I have with myself and other people because I come to this rational conclusion and tell myself it’s over with and not to worry about it anymore. That’s the only way I’ve ever gone about my problems- intellectualizing it all out until there’s nothing left. I get tired of myself because it doesn’t matter how logical of a conclusion I arrive at, I end up feeling the same. I was so well-adjusted. I don’t know what’s changed. I didn’t need anyone else to reassure me of anything, but now that people are beginning to agree with me, I find it so difficult to disagree.

I’m trying so hard to live up to all these standards I gauge myself to, which are all virtually impossible for anyone to fully satisfy, but I keep trying because I think it’ll make me into the person that I want to be.

I’ve been trying to stay by myself a lot lately. Quite honestly, I love being alone because I know that it’s what I can handle. I hate the kind of person I turn into when everyone else is around. It only exemplifies how I am turning into my aunt, which is the last thing my parents ever want me to be. If I screw up, at least I’m not like her. I’m tired of being cute. That’s what everyone wants and I’m tired of satisfying them. I’m tired of the people I am with because they only adore the person they think of me as and the second I decide to disobey it, I am no longer worthy of their time. So what, I’m this delicate little twit who everyone adores. I’m vulnerable. I’m calm. I’m rational. I’m smart. I’m harmless. I’m loquacious. I conduct myself with such repose.

lkasjdlfkjlasjdfklsjkldfjlskjf

Protect me from what I want.

I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I don’t know, I never thought that I would catch myself folding pamphlets at work, smiling. Just from thinking.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, then we went out to get some new frames. These new glasses are going to look so much nicer than the glasses I have now. There was this woman who was waiting for the optometrist, who found it necessary to give me a longitudinal study of her life. It made me want to die. From a single discussion that lasted about seven minutes, I found out that she has four kids, is divorced, didn’t go to college, and quit smoking last year. I’m sorry, but if she worked to reinforce a stereotype of mine, she did an excellent job.

God, it is so terrible how George Carlin doesn’t know of how much his death is being commemorated right now. Just a thought.

The earth looks better from a star, let’s ride above from where you are

Summer has started out pretty excellently so far. Aside from when it was absolutely un-excellent, but I don’t want to think about that.

But I hate that summer is starting so wonderfully because it is turning into one sappy little bitch. No, I just hate Cody because he’s doing this to me.

I’m getting paid on the fifteenth. I am completely looking forward to that. Work has been extraordinarily boring and mindless. I spend four hours a day there. I’m surprised, though, how much I’ve learned from doing this. For one thing, keeping quiet all the time really makes people think you are an idiot. Another, copy machines are NOT your friend because they never remember the settings you apply after it decides that it is done with you and resets itself. Amazingly, one begins to fall asleep while filing away papers or logging things into the computer. I couldn’t believe such a thing could happen- but it did, so I need to figure out something. And finally, after discovering the candy stash in the workroom, life becomes a bit easier to handle, but once one begins to fall asleep, one realizes that the degree at which they fail is insurmountable in relation to the accomplishments they have made so far within the work day.

But, of course, because I am suddenly becoming more optimistic, I am really looking forward to buying stuff with this money. It’s amazing how I suddenly have resources to buy things that I really want.

I have to admit, aside from all of this work stuff, life is happening. I’m young. All of these milestones are just whirring by and honestly, I don’t understand what the big deal is. These sorts of things are going to be referred to when I’m older. I haven’t spent much time agonizing over these events transpiring with such perfection; I don’t understand why people believe that getting my first job is particularly important.

I’m going to the eye doctor tomorrow so I can get a new prescription for my glasses. I am really looking forward to going, since they’ve put me on hold for about six months. I dropped my glasses a few months ago and there was a huge scratch that resulted from it, making it absolutely pointless to even wear glasses, since I become equally as frustrated when I don’t wear them.

I was totally asked out a few nights ago by one of my best friends. And I had to refuse her proposal. I don’t know if I’m going to regret that.

Dear you:

I love you. I don’t care that you don’t love me back.