Why stay for the night, I’m here for a while.

“Oh, why do I even care. It’s nothing new. Now go for a while, shut off to the world.”

Today was terrible. It was absolutely terrible. I have marks on my palms from keeping myself together.

Dear you:

You’re not going to turn me into her. No freaking way. It’s spectacular, really. I could just kill you with my bare hands right now. I am so amused by your apparent skill and your inability to master it. But realize that you do this to people. You wanted this? You’ve received it in due time. You’re so incredibly fake, feeding off of their wishes to satisfy you, because you are so special, and they noted the uniqueness of your destiny. Or maybe not, you just soak it in like a raisin in the sun, to this deferred dream of yours to suddenly be okay, not so complex and, to a degree, normal. You can’t stand this. You hate standardization and normality but you strive for it. You are so weak. You fall for them. You are pretty shallow and you hate it. You know they don’t mean it. But don’t refuse it, either. You tell yourself you know they don’t really care, and this is only a temporary embellishment. It’s a sort of industrious tool which is only fully realized when you feel vulnerable. When you can’t stand yourself. When you can’t stand up to the insults you impose upon yourself. When you get tired of arguing and consider that maybe your first impressions were right. You are exactly like they are.

You hate who you are becoming. But you’ve made it this far. It’s been a long year, and after all, you deserve a break from all those people who made you feel so insecure but absolutely beautiful whenever you needed reassurance. You’ve made it this far. It’s almost done. You proved them wrong. Your ambition gives you what you truly need. If you can’t remain passionate about your successes, at least you can maintain it in your work. But it goes further than that; you have learned that your hatred can transport you to places unimaginable.

But hey, you’ve made it this far. Now it’s time for you to return to who you were before. They don’t matter. Even if they do, self-delusion is necessary, as unhealthy such a process can be. You need to be stronger to survive out there. You need to push those things aside which get in your way. Which keep you too involved with other people, because you know that such love and passion you readily develop for other people only tears you apart in the end. You care too much for people, and you realize this only alienates them further. But when you act like you don’t care enough, they don’t care, either. You need to hide parts of yourself because people cannot deal with your intensity- if you can’t even handle it, why do you expect them to? They really have no clue, do they? Compose your life like Bertold Brecht. Scenes of compassion with asides of rationality and soliloquies.

I swear, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands. But you’ve made it this far.

And you know you hate him more than he will ever begin to realize for reasons that he cannot possibly contemplate. It’s only because he is so messed up and besides that? Your relationship with him was absolutely worthless and vacuous- immature, painful, and complacent. He finds no reason to maintain it, why should you? Why he is so special? Is it because he noticed you? Is it because he was nice to you? Was it because he managed to pull it off without sounding as robotic as the number of outputs would suggest, with such repose? Was it because you loved him- you loved his mind and the way he thought? Was it because you felt that you could keep things completely safe for a while, even if you knew that it would eventually fall apart entirely? He could have at least tried to make you feel adequate afterward. To give you some sort of indication that it happened. That it mattered to him. That as much as you wanted to believe him, he meant it, if ephemerally.

God, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands, but we’ve made it this far, and if anything, acting like this year was somewhat productive may keep you from feeling any more inadequate.

And it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets

…”You might spend your life alone. And you don’t want to be alone. When you think too much, and you came to another game, despondent, out of touch. And you reach so hard it makes you fall, for these hands that let you go, they shouldn’t let you go at all. They shouldn’t let you go at all.”

Yesterday was a pretty nice day, up until the denouement. Cody and I went to Old Town Port Orchard and spent most of our time looking at the antique stores. It was fun. And uh, of course a description of such a day would not be complete without the inclusion of the subsequent breaking off of things. Indeed, I broke up with my first boyfriend and one of my best friends yesterday afternoon. I can’t say that I feel any less irresolute than I had beforehand, if anything, I’m doubting myself more than ever. But I needed to make a decision. I had every reason to break it off. And mom was right when she said that I’m a fool to think that our friendship was going to remain the same afterward. And when she said I would regret it. Even if he is making a point to hurt me as much as he can. However, I need to stay secure in my decision to break things off with him, as much as it hurts to do so right now.

Hah, I gave up so much for this. I really wanted it to work. But after coming to the conclusion that I no longer felt romantically inclined toward him, and after realizing that deluding myself into thinking I could change that accomplished nothing, I knew that I had to do something about it. It was unfair to him to stay in the relationship longer than necessary.

God, I feel terrible. Even if I had as much power possible in this situation, I feel so listless right now. But still, I need return to my previous conviction, in that I fully believe that I did the right thing.

I’m alone in this.

It hurts because it should, how else am I to make it clear? I could never be the one that you want.

And even then- the thought’s so soothing.

Cold War Kids. Yeah. I’m digging them now.

But anyways.

So the guy I like has a crush on another girl within our circle of friends. I’m really not supposed to know this.

K. So I got over him. I got over everyone else. And when I’m absolutely, positively ready to try something new- I find this out. Come on.

And I have every right to be.

1. I am frustrated because the only seemingly available vessel restrains me because it is the wrong time.
2. I am frustrated because I have/had to keep it a secret, once more.
3. I am frustrated because this will mean virtually nothing.
4. I am frustrated because I mean virtually nothing.
5. I am frustrated because the one person that I truly dislike is the person he loves right now.
6. I am frustrated because inaction is the only option I have.
7. I am frustrated because I do not particularly care about hurting anyone.
8. I am frustrated because acting upon my feelings will ultimately result in me being hurt.
9. I am frustrated because no matter how I set this up, there isn’t a way around it- I can’t do anything.
10. I am frustrated because the more we hang out, the more I realize how compatible we really are.
11. I am frustrated because this questions my values, but that fact means very little to me.
12. I am frustrated because this ultimately faces me with the fact that I am a hypocrite.
13. I am frustrated because despite all the agony that I went through to get to this point, it will remain unrecognized.
14. I am frustrated because nothing I ever do seems to get me anywhere.
15. I am frustrated because I am constantly tricked by an illusion of change.
16. I am frustrated because I know we will probably go nowhere.

I am something. You are something. We are nothing together.

Gosh- the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that there’s no way I live in a solipsist world. I could not have possibly done this to myself.

Or, inversely, the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that this world is a solipsist one. The real world could not possibly _be_ this stupid.

Cool, things are getting a little better.

You kill me.

“You always know the perfect thing to say. I know what I should do, but I just can’t turn away. Though you’re just across the street, it looks a mile to my feet. I want to go to you. I pick up, put down the phone- like your favorite Heatmiser song goes. It’s just like being alone.”

Why do homies need to find me attractive lately? Six seven people like me right now. And of course it isn’t the person that I, er, dig right now. But whatever. It’s not like I’m going to act differently around these people, considering that if these people were herded into a room, it’d be considered a “small crowd.” Sure, I thought I was cool. It’s just weird knowing that other people think that, too. A lot.

… But that isn’t what’s up for debate right now. The question is: Can. They. Handle. It.

:D

But anyways. Back to this whole post-post rock phase I’m going through.

Yar, I identify all of the bad things I do with my physical body and the good stuff with my mental self. Duality, man. I wonder if this is universal. It may be, but people tend to overestimate the likelihood of these sorts of things, so probably not.

This experience of meeting new people isn’t as tiresome as I had expected for it to be. It’s getting a bit more fun. But soon enough, it will be tiresome, once I begin the process of building a friendship on top of this acquaintanceship. Which I have done far too many times to count, but I suppose that fact should not stop me from pursuing a friendship. I guess I just don’t want to get shut down again.

And so here’s my conclusion: I have no idea why things are the way they are with Debbie, and all of the explanations I came up with were created solely for the sake of making an explanation. I have no clue. So there. But really- I’ve lost all passion that was dedicated to restoring our friendship, so I’m done. And I’m fine with it. This reminds me, in some way, of the whole Blink scenario: they were a good band while they lasted, but if they were to end this hiatus of theirs and create another record, it wouldn’t have the same feeling that it did before their hiatus. The music wouldn’t be the same. It’s pretty sad, though, that it had to end like this. But now it’s her decisions, not mine. And dude- if she thinks that I was trying to blame everything on her, and I did everything I could to try and dissuade her and it still didn’t work, then I shouldn’t be blamed for that.

I might write about this again, but I don’t know. There’s not much to say anymore.

“Patience and time do more than strength or passion.” Jean De La Fontaine

Thanksgiving wasn’t entirely egregious. But I keep reminding myself after every half hour or so of how I couldn’t imagine how I ended up in this current situation, of course, outside of Thanksgiving.

I’m doing Black Friday tomorrow. Beginning at two in the morning. All that means is that I can buy some new earbuds at last, and wear my “new” coat. I haven’t worn this coat in public once since mom and dad bought it for me. No longer shall I wait. NO LONGER.

But anyways.
Amazing. Somehow, I only like people on the internet, because that is where you can weed out the stupid ones. Yeah, the stupid ones.

Oh, and my turkey was so great, that Calvin went A Christmas Story on it and ate part of it. Sadly, that was the only part that was really crunchy and good. Because of him, I’m not getting that part. I’m angry, indeed.

Uh, but yeah. I’m brainstorming Christmas ideas for my friends, which’ll be great fun to make. I love doing this stuff. The mix cds are going to be fun, too, because that’s the epitome of SUPER DUPER MAGICAL FANTASTIC ULTRA WISH TIME!

… Gosh, I love who I am, I just hate the things I do.

But whatever.

You say you’ve got a headache and it won’t go away

… “But I’m part of that problem and you want me to stay. . . I’m a ball of emotion, you’re a half-open book, but I can’t read a thing, so it’s not looking good. But it can. You breathe so they can- all those men.”

Things are getting exponentially better. I guess. I fell asleep during first and second period today. My AP Psychology teacher is so suave. He comes in for three seconds, puts on a video and leaves because he has a meeting or something. I don’t blame him for it, I just find it a bit funny.

I’m volunteering for the Festival of Trees soon. It’s going to be fun because Riza’s there, yeah.
Oh, and by the way- he’s absolutely everywhere. And I love it more than you could imagine. But then again, Riza says that I’m really pathetic. But kinda, not really- because I actually told him how I feel. Sure, it was two years late but I done-did it.

I was watching Current the other day and this dude came on screen and he was talking about after shooting this movie in the wild, that people started to look really funny to him. He said something that I’ll probably remember for a while, it was along the lines of:

“When I came back to Hollywood, people just started to look funnier to me. Everything people did just seemed so impractical to me. This isn’t to say that I think people in Hollywood are superficial- people are people, but they just began to look very silly to me.”

I admit, I’ve called people, “superficial,” before, but the way he stated it made me question whether that is a valid qualifier. Quite honestly, it isn’t. People who supposedly lead superficial lives do not believe it is superficial because it’s not something one really works toward. So, technically, they are being true to themselves. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way, but I’m very glad that I did.

I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner once more this year for the family. I just hope that my mom doesn’t get all, “OMGZ, cook this and this and this and this.” and critique me. If I remember correctly- you have little to no aptitude for any kind of culinary art. Yeah.

I had love, I had good love

…”With the nerve to throw it all away.”

Things were great. They really were. I was just too stupid to realize it. But that’s fine. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.
… And I think that is where I went wrong?

But if I take the time to think about it too much, I think it’ll just make me feel even worse. Another thing is, I’m exhausted from this. It just sucks that I tried so hard and she doesn’t seem to realize it. Aw, I’m going to miss having you around.

But you know, I’m going to be just fine. This is now an open memory, and with time, it’ll become a closed one. Despite all of the crying I’ve endured within these past couple of weeks only about this- I’m going to be fine. I have so much more to celebrate than that.

I sure wish I could act heartless and cold like you are. It’d make this so much easier to swallow. But I cannot allow myself to inflict pain upon someone else, or give myself the illusion that I am doing so, just because they’re doing the same to me. And yeah, I’m a bit afraid she’ll read this because for the first time in a really long time- someone will have a critical eye as to what I say and do from now on. Gosh, this sucks.

This’ll be a lesson. And since I’ll be dating soon, I’ll definitely need to learn it.

After writing this down, I feel better. I’ll be just fine, yeah. Even if this upcoming week is going to be absolute hell. But uh, what can I say? Now, I’ll have tons of free time. To ruminate, kthx.

Aw, I haven’t written in my diary for about a week. But I don’t want to, because of how emotional it has been. I’m tired of crying. Not just over this, but in general.

… And yet somehow, I just wish I could be in love with him for now than thinking about this. Oh, and it brings me to the realization that I am, indeed, socially retarded. I just keep messing things up with people lately, but it’s not like I’m going to go into that here. I’d rather have this entry pertain to only one huge problem in my life than being one huge HUGE entry that is just too emo to even be considered nominal.

But anyways. The PLAN was ridiculously easy- the easiest portion was the math portion, surprisingly. Oh, and a homie in front of me was cheating off of me. What an idiot. Why pay twelve dollars to take a test (which only tells you what you need to improve on) only to cheat? This test is only for self-evaluation, my friend. Cheating doesn’t really work here. And with those twelve dollars, you could have bought twelve chocolate-chip muffins at the student store. Shame on you, señor. Shaaaaaaaame.

I watched Garden State the other night when I was suffering from mild insomnia. It made me cry. It wasn’t an, “omgz, that movie was so sad/amazing/whatever,” it was like, “dear god, this actually pertains to me in every way possible.” It was a great movie, yeah, but it’s only because it built up over time. It was quite boring most of the time, but that’s why I watched it at two in the morning whilst awaiting for Teh Sandman.

All I know is that I need Riza right now. She’s going through the same stuff that I am right now, only on a more tragic scale. At least she’s finally doing something about it. But I can’t be with her right now, so I’ll just listen to AAR’s self-titled, because she was the reason why I bought it, five years ago.

There’s so much I want to say right now, but I don’t know where to begin. All of the things that have been happening to me as of late have forced me to reconsider my existence.

1. When it comes down to it, I can only explain my idea of what life is, as a filmstrip. With five frames, two blacked out, then one colored in, and the remaining blacked out, too. It makes things feel quite pointless because after this, there’s nothing left.
2. I am starting to lose my sense of self more and more. I guess this happens once a year, or something, but I feel no connection to my body.
3. I haven’t done everything I’ve wanted to do yet. And darn it, life’s freaking short. This is all I have.
4. Life is hard, but there’s nothing else to compare it to.

____

No, I give up. I have a right to feel angry, or doleful, or whatever- this deals with our friendship, k? I have every right to react to this the way I am.

But dude, all those promises I made before, at least I don’t have to live up to them anymore. Oh, and I don’t have to do nice things for you, just to be nice, anymore. So yeah, if that’s what you want, then you are dead to me.

God, last year was great. Stressful, but better than this.