Why stay for the night, I’m here for a while.

“Oh, why do I even care. It’s nothing new. Now go for a while, shut off to the world.”

Today was terrible. It was absolutely terrible. I have marks on my palms from keeping myself together.

Dear you:

You’re not going to turn me into her. No freaking way. It’s spectacular, really. I could just kill you with my bare hands right now. I am so amused by your apparent skill and your inability to master it. But realize that you do this to people. You wanted this? You’ve received it in due time. You’re so incredibly fake, feeding off of their wishes to satisfy you, because you are so special, and they noted the uniqueness of your destiny. Or maybe not, you just soak it in like a raisin in the sun, to this deferred dream of yours to suddenly be okay, not so complex and, to a degree, normal. You can’t stand this. You hate standardization and normality but you strive for it. You are so weak. You fall for them. You are pretty shallow and you hate it. You know they don’t mean it. But don’t refuse it, either. You tell yourself you know they don’t really care, and this is only a temporary embellishment. It’s a sort of industrious tool which is only fully realized when you feel vulnerable. When you can’t stand yourself. When you can’t stand up to the insults you impose upon yourself. When you get tired of arguing and consider that maybe your first impressions were right. You are exactly like they are.

You hate who you are becoming. But you’ve made it this far. It’s been a long year, and after all, you deserve a break from all those people who made you feel so insecure but absolutely beautiful whenever you needed reassurance. You’ve made it this far. It’s almost done. You proved them wrong. Your ambition gives you what you truly need. If you can’t remain passionate about your successes, at least you can maintain it in your work. But it goes further than that; you have learned that your hatred can transport you to places unimaginable.

But hey, you’ve made it this far. Now it’s time for you to return to who you were before. They don’t matter. Even if they do, self-delusion is necessary, as unhealthy such a process can be. You need to be stronger to survive out there. You need to push those things aside which get in your way. Which keep you too involved with other people, because you know that such love and passion you readily develop for other people only tears you apart in the end. You care too much for people, and you realize this only alienates them further. But when you act like you don’t care enough, they don’t care, either. You need to hide parts of yourself because people cannot deal with your intensity- if you can’t even handle it, why do you expect them to? They really have no clue, do they? Compose your life like Bertold Brecht. Scenes of compassion with asides of rationality and soliloquies.

I swear, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands. But you’ve made it this far.

And you know you hate him more than he will ever begin to realize for reasons that he cannot possibly contemplate. It’s only because he is so messed up and besides that? Your relationship with him was absolutely worthless and vacuous- immature, painful, and complacent. He finds no reason to maintain it, why should you? Why he is so special? Is it because he noticed you? Is it because he was nice to you? Was it because he managed to pull it off without sounding as robotic as the number of outputs would suggest, with such repose? Was it because you loved him- you loved his mind and the way he thought? Was it because you felt that you could keep things completely safe for a while, even if you knew that it would eventually fall apart entirely? He could have at least tried to make you feel adequate afterward. To give you some sort of indication that it happened. That it mattered to him. That as much as you wanted to believe him, he meant it, if ephemerally.

God, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands, but we’ve made it this far, and if anything, acting like this year was somewhat productive may keep you from feeling any more inadequate.

Glass shadows from your unsteady grip

We’ve been doing review. These sessions are certainly helping, however, it becomes extremely awkward when there’s only one student besides me who is in the room. Yeah. Our class is full of the stupidest people, really- they need this review more than I do- I thought there would be more people around.

My teacher realized yesterday, for the first time, that I am a sophomore. He thought I was a senior this entire time. He said that he doesn’t think there has been a sophomore sign up for the class before. He said that he is impressed. So strange how that happens. I love how my teachers think more highly of me than my parents do.

Honestly, all this scrutiny I have to put up with when it comes to my parents has begun to take its toll on me. But I realize that I need to stay strong in my convictions that I’m the person that I want to be. I have to remain confident in that such a reason is enough of a justification for anyone. I admit, though, I can’t help but feel like I’m less than intelligent; I’m not worth the time; my efforts are worthless in terms of making any sort of improvement in my life; I’m a useless degenerate. You know, those sorts of conclusions. I know I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t change that. The least I could do is be happy with myself, because I can’t change anything else anyway.

I’m tired of fighting this, though. I’m tired of having to keep myself above from the things they say to me. I’m tired of having to maintain these standards that are so far from what the public expects and agree with. I’m tired of having to justify myself to them. I mean, what has combating this ever done for me? What has fighting for my convictions ever accomplished? Yeah. And what’s even worse is that I can’t really talk to people about this. This topic is just too heavy for me to handle with repose. I lose my structure. I show weakness. Not only that, but I fall once more into the stereotype of a female. And oh, how much I try to keep myself above that, too. I suppose that’s the reason why I end up acting so insensitive.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’m on new meds that are supposed to be better than what I was on before. Its effects are quite different in comparison to my other medication, among them are that it’s supposed to make me less irritable, less disconnected with people, less anxious, yeah.

My mother will not leave me alone about my grades. She thinks that if she doesn’t keep on me about it, that I will flunk out of school. Just because she dropped out of high school, it doesn’t mean that I’ll do the same. I know how important doing well in school is- overwhelmingly so. But uh, yeah. I’ve been saving up my money for the past six months, so when the first opportunity I get to leave this house arrives, I’ll be prepared. How morbid.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I spend my time with. My peer circle, if you will. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are no longer crucial to my intellectual growth. What I mean by that is- I’m tired of all their melodrama. It is no longer fun to be around them. I mock their existence constantly. If anything, I am only around because Megan and Cody are there. I care very little about everyone else. The only conclusion I have come up with in this area is that, well, it’s better to be alone than to be with inferior people.

Yesterday gave me a lot of things to think about. Basically, I’m living last January all over again. Man, I didn’t like him the first time he liked me and he digs me again. And it only makes me feel more agitated by him. Because he acts all hyper when he wants my attention. asdjfowiejklsjd Why do I have to be so cool? :3

I wrote about this in my writing-journal-thing and it came out pretty nicely. I bought that moleskine notebook a few weeks ago with Riza and I decided to use it. I want to fill this notebook up even if it’s not really a notebook. It’s more like a steno pad. Which is unfortunate because it’s very difficult to write on- but I had an epiphany that was basically, “OH! That’s what the elastic is for!” and it solved all my problems. Everyone has their brilliant moments, haha.

I’m staying home from school today because I am sick. I couldn’t stay home earlier this week because I had so much to do. But, uh, this gets me out of the orthodontic appointment even if I wasn’t dreading it that much? :S

My project with Megan went brilliantly. I’m pretty proud of how well we pulled it off. We had practiced through lunch and that was the most of our efforts. We had to have it memorized, but we managed to do it all pretty nicely. And I loved throwing a sammich at her, even if I didn’t really throw it at her. I didn’t want to throw a sammich in her face during our presentation. She stresses out too much as it is. So I threw it to the right of her. Except earlier we were playing around and I threw a sammich at her right boob. That was awkward.

Next week is testing week for most of the school. Except for me, because I took the test early. So I have about fifteen hours next week to do absolutely nothing. Why, oh, WHY, did I have to be sick the week before that? Uncool.

Uh, we have Cinnamon Toast Crunch so it’s kind of okay? Even if I cannot taste it? And I might throw it up later today? Oh, Amanda, your attempts at optimism are overwhelming.

I say what they tell me to say.

I had a pretty satisfying day. I went to see Juno with Riza (which is a total keeper. Sorry to sound like everyone else on this planet, but it was the best movie I’ve seen in a while.) We had a heart-to-heart moment afterwards while we were at the mall, which seems to happen every time we congregate. There was a going-out-of-business sale (which was code for, “Barnes and Noble is taking all of our business ever since last Christmas when they conquered the mall.”) and everything was twenty five percent off, while the clearance stuff was an additional seventy five percent off. I bought the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe for a little under three bucks. And man, it’s COMPLETE. The book is about three inches thick. Oh, love.

I studied until midnight and couldn’t fall back asleep. At least I figured out to get my tv working again.  Sadly,  I still have two three more finals to study for. Stress, man.

Oh, wow! I completely forgot to tell you guys how the Winter Solstice hand-out went!

The thing I love about my friends is that if you make them something, no matter how ugly it may be- they’ll wear it. Who knows, maybe they like the hats I made them, but I hadn’t the time to block them or anything. But still- everyone wore my AmandaHats on Wednesday. Everyone loved the CD covers I made them, especially Megan. She was astonished by it! Rightly so, since I spent a good four hours making those things for everyone. It was well worth it, but it was time consuming!

Cody was laughing so hard that he nearly cried when he got my present. Phar lent a bible to me because bibles are really expensive at the book store (and that’s the only resource I really had at the time) and it ended up being a bible called something like The Holy Bible For Healthy Young Women or something..

I’m still in the giving mood, though, since there were some people that I didn’t have time to make presents for. I had started making these presents in November and I still didn’t have enough time. All in all, even if it absolutely stressed me out and monopolized my time, I think I’m going to do it again next year. It felt really great. I guess that’s because you know that you have the ability to make other people happy, and sometimes, this is how you can get it done.

I just found a ton of patterns that I want to knit up. Man, I’m sure glad it’s winter break, even if I was planning on studying for finals the entire time. I’m so stressed out when it comes to finals. Each final we have is two hours long, and in between, we have an hour to study. We only have three classes on those days. This happens for about a week or so, I think. Everyone’s going to be on edge, I tell you. I’m not looking forward to it.

I’m planning on reading my world history book (which is a good fourteen chapters, and each chapter has around four to five sections.) since the final is going to be pretty comprehensive. It’s going to be taken on computers, so it’s multiple choice, but it has around five hundred questions. I’m not so worried when it comes to my english final or my psychology final since I’ve been working really hard in those classes and I know the material. Biology is another final I’m worried about, since I’ve been doing pretty badly in the class. My teacher doesn’t teach the class directly- she thinks that if she gives us labs and worksheets and stuff that we’d be able to make the connections and understand it. Clearly, it doesn’t work; almost seventy five percent of the class has a B- or lower.

I have to read Dante’s Inferno over winter break, too. I hope I will not be too bored by it. We have to log it, which is going to take forever. I have plenty of little assignments that are going to be due once winter break ends, but I can do those in an afternoon.

Even though I said that psychology is a final that I’m not worried about, one of my classmates told me that I should start studying now if I want to have any chance of passing. She said that the final kicked her butt last year. Because of her warning, I’m thinking of going over the chapter review packets that the teacher hands out. He gives the packets to us for no apparent reason, seeing as he just gives it to us and doesn’t tell us what to do with it.

Yesterday, Debbie and I had a pleasant conversation, sort of. She was on IM and I started talking to her but something is going on with her best friend and she said that she didn’t want to talk about whatever is going on with us, but that we could talk about other things. I was fine with that, so we kept talking about other things until she had to get offline. That made me feel a bit better about things. If only she were a bit more talkative, to make the conversation less awkward for me. I just kept talking and talking and then she’d say a word or so.

I spent some of this morning watching The Four Horsemen, which is basically a conversation with Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and that Dennett guy. The Four Horsemen is two hours long, and I watched about forty five minutes of it. It got a bit boring at times, but that’s mostly because my mind was on something else.

But anyways.

Amanda Pattern Wish List:
Jen’s Sweetie Pie Hat, mostly because I’m trying to get into cables.
Sunshine!
Mrs. Darcy Cardigan
Pretty Puff’s Slouchy Hat, that is, if I manage to figure out this whole crochet thing. *shudders*
One row handspun scarf

I’m also hoping to make a blouse for myself, but I’ve said that before. Maybe a hoodie as well, but I don’t think I’m going to try using my knit fabric until I get a serger. I sure hope I get a serger, because that’s the only thing I’m really counting on.

You can’t say that we’re just friends, then walk away

… “Jen, no, don’t be scared, no, don’t be shy. We used to do this all the time, you know it.”

Riza and I went to the mall today. There was a power surge so the mall was without electricity for the first half hour we were there. I bought a twenty dollar sweater at Pac Sun. Don’t ask why. I was there to buy winter solstice presents, but the journey was fruitless.

If you can’t leave your mark

… Then just give up.

I’m getting Christmas presents ready. Tomorrow, I’m going to the mall with Allie so I can buy stuffs. But for the most part, I’m making things. I made the envelopes, the cds, the sleeve that the cds are going to be put in (which is SO cool, really. I love the idea, I just hope that it’ll turn out okay.) Oh, this is fun. I like this. Even if I’m not making it for myself, I really like this philanthropy thing, even if it bites me in the butt sometimes. Okay, quite often. But whatever.

Sadly, there are a few things I cannot make, so I have to buy them. I’m going to buy some books for my friends, some sports stuff for my brother, and who-knows-what for the rest of my family and friends. Oh, what a legendary adventure awaits.

AND IT’S NOT EVEN HALFWAY DONE.

I have so much knitting to do. I also have to write up those heart-warming letters that Amanda is so famous for. Before, it was just the brainstorm, and now I’m going to have to write them. Somewhere. On something that is aesthetically pleasing. In my best handwriting without the employment of Liquid Paper. Oh, what a task I’ve signed myself up for. And, did I mention? This is for a little over twenty people. I am so pitiful.

I found the pieces of the watch that I tore apart today, which is absolutely great, since I’ve been looking for it for a couple of months now. Because I found the pieces, I can make that brooch/pendant/whatever I’ve been wanting to make. Although, I have to find some super glue or some E600 to get the job done. Which means, of course, stepping outside of this house.  Which means, stepping out into this:

Uh, yeah. It’s snowing. It’s not unpredicted- it’s freaking freezing all the time- but still. It’s actually sticking. You can’t see it in this picture, though, because I couldn’t take the picture in the front of our house. But yah- it’s sticking. Neat.

So, quality time with Allie. We’ve been talking on the phone for the last two days because we haven’t been able to talk all that much lately. Decidedly, there were hardly any awkward silences. Or at least, yesterday. And there’s still more I need to talk to her about. sdklfj;lskdf;lsdf how can I summarize the past six months in only a few hours? -dies-

Despite all this- I’m the happiest I could ever be right now. I don’t understand why. I guess I needed Allie more than I thought? That, and the whole omgz logan thing, too. Darn it, I’m am**ing. I love being myself and being around myself.  When you start to have fun all by yourself/become your own best friend, things look so much better.

And by the way- it’s totally his birthday tomorrow. I’m not creepy; he just happened to tell me this last year. Somehow. Somewhere.  I don’t know- but he did.

It’s a glorious day

… “And my lonely heart is tired again, I would starve for your attention. Ever since you went away, I miss you more every day.”

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m pretty angry at you right now.

Debbie ftl! :
I realized that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
How so? I didn’t think I made it glaringly obvious until now

Debbie ftl!:
You’ve just been avoiding me lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you care, or do you just want to stop this friendship thing?

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Because the only reason why I’m angry is because I don’t feel like you care about me

Debbie ftl!:
Of course I care, and I’m not a person who justs ends friendships like that.

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t see why you got to that conclusion.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I don’t know, it’s just that things haven’t been like they were before

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I keep thinking that you don’t want me around or I’m annoying you or something

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, no.

Debbie ftl!:
I just have a lot of things going on with me right now.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So you don’t hate me or anything and you want to stay friends

Debbie ftl!:
Basically…but if you don’t want to be friends, then that’s your decision…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again. :
Of course I want to stay friends with you. I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while that you care, yeah.

Debbie ftl!:
Alright, but I’m not really good at that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
but you were before

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, well I haven’t been feeling so great lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Why not?

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t know.

Debbie ftl!:
Because I suck.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I’m waiting for you to elaborate further, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to happen

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So this means I can see you in the mornings again and instant message you freely now

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
:D

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, I guess, they’re your decisions, not mine.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
When you say things like that, it feels like you don’t want me around

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
That’s the point

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you want me to hang around you anymore?

Debbie ftl!:
Yea…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Okay.

________

So, I guess things are fine with us. I don’t know. I still feel a bit uneasy but I’m hoping things are going to get better. For some reason, even if that’s what I said before, I don’t feel like I said the entire truth. No, I know exactly why I didn’t tell her the entire truth. But I will still stand by what I said earlier, during the summer:

“I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.”

I suppose the idea that I can inflict emotional pain on another person surprises me. I’ve always found that ability absolutely impractical so I’ve never made a point to use it. I’ve always tried so hard to keep myself from hurting other people. It’s not that I’m a people-pleaser, I suppose I like to stay neutral with everyone. Absolutely indifferent, yeah.

But lately, especially with Debbie, I haven’t been trying to remain indifferent. Quite the contrary. Shelley and Mary were talking to me about how Debbie is growing up and how she’s growing out of me our friendship. It’s so weird knowing that you, or your relationship with someone, can be considered a phase. Temporary, secondary, far from essential and some kind of “natural selection,” figuratively speaking, of course.

Mary and Shelley also told me that I am the physical manifestation of beauty? They were quite serious about it, too. It’s a huge compliment, I will not deny that. To state it frankly- I’ve never taken the time to think about whether I think I am attractive or not. It’s a sad thing, yeah, but I’ve always remained neutral when it comes to those things. I find it very pointless to do so. I dislike how physical beauty is not something that is deserved; it’s something that you are given. Like a dog or a waffle maker. And yet, it ultimately determines how likely one will be to pass on their genes- as sad as it is, that is how we’ve evolved to see whether a person is compatible to be with and if we can achieve genetic diversity with that person. I dislike how much value we place on physical beauty, because it’s not something one can help or detract.

With me, even if I may be physically attractive, I do not value it that much. I do not work to accentuate my physical attributes. My intellect is the thing I truly value about myself, and that is something I can help. I can always learn more things and gain new perspectives on life. Despite the “technological” advances we have reached to change the way we are, I don’t think I will embrace those as much as I do with intellectual change. I will not say that I hate how attractive I supposedly am, because without it, I probably would not be so lucky as I am now socially. I know how shallow that sounds, but that is how people are. This is how we’ve evolved to be- that’s another thing we cannot help.

And so, people love me. Three people, yeah. It’s a bit weird for me to realize because I like who I am, but I didn’t think other people saw it, too. Not to mention that:

a.) One of them just keeps annoying me and pushes themselves on me. I mean, really- I’m not touchy-feely in the first place, and she’s all over me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand her, either, but I won’t go there for now.

b.) Yah, the other one has a boyfriend. She’s not one that I have to worry about.

c.) I’m not sure if this one’s serious. Actually, no, she’s very serious.

I don’t dig any of these people back. I wish one of them would just leave me alone but that won’t happen since I’ve known her for too long. The thing I hate, though, is that she is just being this way now because she knows that I can dig girls. I dig girls, but not her. I don’t think I ever will like her in that way, because she annoys me so much.

I carried the world just as far as I could

…”But the damage was taking its toll. You used to call my name every hour of every day, how I lived to hear that sound, but every sound gets washed away, we washed away.”

I guess I should begin letting go of Debbie, yeah. I guess this friendship isn’t working, I don’t know. But Mary told me not to think about it too much, because it’ll only get worse. Mary is an expert in this field- she’s mostly logical (except for the whole OMGZ astrology thing. But I won’t hold that against her entirely.) So, I’m just not going to talk to Debbie. Or anything. Who would’ve thunk it?

Gosh, nobody’s getting along anymore.

I’m going to a party later on tonight, hopefully it’ll get me into a good mood. I miss everyone so much.

Except for the fact that my brother is coming with me to play with her brother, yeah.

… The sad thing is, it’s already eaten away at my soul so much. But I think that’s in combination with the absolute not-love I’ve been receiving lately. Somehow, it only feels like Megan and Shelley care about me.

The other day, I was talking to Christina Pung in english. We were talking about Allie and somehow, she said that Allie isn’t really popular and the only thing people value about her is that she’s rich. I had the impulse to defend her or to somehow lessen the intensity of her statement, but for some reason, I thought to myself that we aren’t friends anymore and I don’t need to do that anymore. You know, fake things like that.

Oh, things are only getting worse. And I’m getting quite tired of trying to remain sanguine because it only works in the most topical way. I don’t want to have to do that anymore, because acting like you’re happy or telling yourself that your current circumstance is not as bad as it seems, only obscures the real problems and provide no solutions. It’s so much more energy wasted, yah? It’s almost as bad as not acknowledging it at all.

Oh, I’m reading my old comments from my friends. When, you know, we got along. Or when they thought I was worthy, or whatever.

… I care what Mary says, but really, I feel absolutely terrible about this. She says I did nothing wrong and I should not worry about it. But I cannot help but think about it and hope she comes around. I realize there are other, more important people in my life than her, but you know, I never thought this would happen with us. And this entire thing is eating away at my soul. And right now, I’m very angry at her for doing this to me. I’ve done nothing but try to be the best friend I can be to her and this happens. I don’t deserve this at all.

Gosh darn it, now I feel a bit empowered. I could kick a puppy right now.

Why does she have to be so frustrating?!

My eyes can’t look at you any other way.

…”In time I’d find a little way to your heart, down to the general store for nothing specific, gonna wash my bones in the Atlantic shore - only for you and me.”

I met someone today.

SHE’S THE ULTIMATE AMANDA CLONE.

And, she loves teh womenz. So, yah. It’s nice to think about somebody other than Logan in that way of, you know, possibility.

I haven’t been able to say this about anyone else I have met, but we absolutely connected after we spoke today, for the first time. She just kept surprising me with things I wanted to hear. I could’ve talked to her for hours. She has this passion for language that I do, she’s an atheist as well. AND SHE’S A HIPPIE. She is in a military family, yah. She’s as old as I am, but she skipped a grade because she is actually intelligent. She listens to the same kind of music I listen to. She’s just the kind of person I need right now to stop feeling so darned alienated from the rest of the teenage population around here. She’s like,  a less eloquent, more outspoken, not as attractive, version of that man I dig. But still, she’s interesting.

Band of Horses is a band I’ve been listening to a lot lately. They were featured on Current a while back, and lately I’ve been hearing their stuff, and I enjoy it fully. This dream indie rock is quite cool. I need to explore this genre more.

Ah, but anyways. I started crying today when I accidentally thought the phrase, “There is no such thing as permanence.” I have to say, though, I was so much happier a few months ago. The only positive change as of late has been the whole omgz Logan ordeal, but that is all. Everything has gotten worse. I don’t even know where I stand with my friends, and I think I’ve been trying too hard to keep up with my friendships because I feel like I’m smothering Debbie, which is making me pull away from her for now. It’s either I don’t see them enough and I love them too much, or I see them too often and they annoy me to death. But happiness is never achieved because our psyche is so flawed. Somehow, I feel happiness can be truly appreciated with hindsight.

… And for some reason, I get the feeling they don’t love me as much as I love them.

I am tired of messing things up, though. I seem to go through months of doing everything just right, and then a bout of just screwing everything up.  I’m so tired of people yelling at me.

We had a substitute teacher today in math. She was Russian. She had a plethora of experiences to speak of. People like her make me wonder about all the other, absolutely wonderful people on this planet who are worth noting- the people who are saturated in knowledge and experience.

This is a friendship

… “Not Where’s Waldo!”

I need socks desperately. I honestly think my washing machine is eating up my socks. I don’t care what they say, NO!

Tomorrow’s school again, and I have to organize my Gilgamesh notes. Not particularly something I am looking forward to, since I feel like I’ve analyzed this enough (around fifteen pages of notes, yeah.) but I will continue to conquer this book and do the best that I can for this class.

Tomorrow is also Guy Fawkes’ Night, so get your parties crankin’, yeah!

Oh, and I realized Friday night that that marked a year from, er, this. Of course, that led me to read Les Miserables for only this part, though. But eh, at least something’s happened, though. He notices me now. For rlz, yah. It’s quite wonderful but it is also incredibly bizarre because I’m not adapted to it at all, and so when he looks at me, I feel like he’s looking at someone behind me. Or whatever. I suck, yeah, but that’s okay because most people at this age do, and most of the time I am exempt from the generalization. Except for now.

YOU CAN IMAGINE IT HAPPENING, YEAH.

Christmas Winter Solstice is coming up and I need to come up with ideas for my list. I never have something that I truly desire for this occasion, although I really need a serger. Or at least, a better sewing machine because the one I have is only full of pain, sorrow, tension problems, inconsistent stitches, and of course- BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM. I hate my sewing machine so much that I only use it when I absolutely have to. I just need to find a reasonably priced one that has, at the absolute least, an overlocking stitch. That is what I desire, end of discussion.

… Next to a few books and a new pair of earbuds because my old set broke. Okay, last two sets. D:

So, here’s something that has actual substance:

My mother was not much of a touchy-feely person when I was a child. Once (okay, much more than once.) when I was a child, my mom was making peanut butter cookies and I came in and wanted to help and she yelled at me to leave. Decidedly, she is not one for being superfluously comforting, no. And for some reason, she’s being very touchy-feely lately, and I have to say that I loath the situations. (For those who are not aware, “loathe” with an e means something one deeply hates, while “loath,” without the e, is avoiding something.) It’s not something I’m used to, and quite honestly, I dislike it quite a bit. My mother takes offense to this, but she still does not respect the fact that I don’t appreciate it. So she smothers me to death.

Two of my friends dated. And then they broke up. And the woman is being making their breakup so interminable that their relationship ended around three months ago and it is still dramatic. The dude, on the other hand, isn’t handling the situation particularly well either, but he went so far as to say that he hates his ex-girlfriend, and their entire relationship was a mistake. I only understand the latter, only because they were best friends beforehand and now they never speak to each other. She is coercing everyone into choosing a side, and I chose hers. But now, I am questioning that decision, and I find myself feeling so bad for him that I am trying to reestablish our friendship.

It’s not like I ended our friendship; I chose sides but I hadn’t made that message clear to him because I don’t see him around enough to do that.

Even if he said that he hates her, and I find that as a completely egregious way to approach the situation, I don’t think that choosing sides is necessarily the correct way to approach this either. This has not been made apparent to other people in our group, but hatred only spreads hatred. If I choose to take part in this, I will only make it worse. He has been nothing but nice to me (okay… Even if he said that I am a bad person and that I am dooooooooomed forever because of my secular beliefs and all that jazz, I am willing to look past that because people get weird when it comes to those things. Everyone does. I do.) and I should not treat him differently just because of what he said about his ex-girlfriend. That circumstance has nothing to do with me.

And, of course, this only leads me to believe that dating people within my own group of friends will only lead to chaos. I can honestly say that I have never liked a person within my group of friends- which is a great thing. As unreasonable as generalizations are (paradox!) I don’t think I will ever date someone within my group of friends because the implications of our inevitable breakup will ruin everything.

This somewhat makes up for the absolutely useless posts I’ve been churning out, right?

Maybe you should make a list for me, of everything important in this world.

… “In a note of urgency, because I don’t know how I feel.”

Summer’s over in four days? Of course, this isn’t naturally decided- education did it.

So, I’m bi. I’m not sure if I’ve written it here, ever, but that’s what I am. I’m not following a trend, all right?

Anthony is being a jerk and says that I’m only saying that because I want attention. I don’t need attention. Anthony’s put me on the defense, as you can tell. He’s just so frustrating lately. A few months ago, I thought that I could never dislike him. I just wish I never started that damn debate, because if I didn’t, we’d be just fine right now. I can’t stand talking to him anymore; he always gets me in a bad mood. I absolutely hate how we can’t talk without mentioning religion. We were just fine before! I can’t believe this debate has jeopardized our friendship- if I knew this would happen, I wouldn’t have done this.

So, yeah. I like someone. I think this whole thing about Logan has more or less, blown over for now. When school starts, I’ll like him again, but I’m enjoying these last couple of days in which I have little affection for him. She’s really cute, we’ve hung out before. She had food science with me, too, haha. Darn it, she’s really pro-bible, so she wouldn’t dig me back. There’s this other girl that’s really cute, too, but she’s too emo for me, so I don’t think I could deal with her. And, of course- there’s that other girl, but everyone is in love with her, including one of my best friends, so I’m not going to bother. I can’t live with myself knowing that I have a crush on someone who is loved by one of my best friends. Even if she gave up on her.

I’ve been knitting myself a sweater- I started it less than a week ago? And I’m almost done with it. I have to finish the sleeves, join them into the round, knit the rest of the sweater, then sew the sleeves up and add a button band. The last four steps are relatively easy and quick, haha.

Megan has Spanish with me, so I’m not going to switch out of the class, after all. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have Megan around. But then again, I don’t have any of my other close friends in my classes. Okay, Daniella and Mary are close to me, but they are on a different level. They’re close, but not extraordinarily close like Lorren/Shelley/Laurie are. I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.

I’d be hanging on their words

… “Like they almost meant a thing.”

I’m starting to appreciate Eat, Sleep Repeat. Which is great, because I realize why it was considered one of the best releases last year (I thiiiiink. D:)

So yah. I hung out with Riza on Friday, which was great. Except it was mostly hanging out with Angela, since Riza was at band practice. The whole marching band thing was cool. It’s just that everybody was extremely irritable and I wanted to punch everyone because they weren’t in a good mood. So their bad mood contaged me. Yes, that’s a word.

Riza has so much stuff to do during the weeeeek. D: I want to give her a huge hug.

Other than that, nothing’s been going on. That’s why I hardly post anymore. Just wait until school starts!

I sleep too well living this way

… “Because I live so well, everyone should be repaid!”

So. The only class I really have to look forward to is World History, since that’s the only class that other people have with me.

Next year is going to suck. I feel a sense of morbidity when it comes to some of my friendships.*le sigh* I feel like crying. Although, to do so would feel like an overreaction. Things work out. Maybe there were people that I didn’t get to see their schedule because they left before I did. But the bottom line is that most of the people that I care about, I’m hardly going to see next year. And that scares me.

I’m going to hang out with Riza tonight for this marching thing. I have no clue as to what this marching thing entails, but what do I have left to lose?

Allie, Debbie, and I are planning on going to the fair tomorrow. All somebody has to do is call and set things up D:

“Is tomorrow just a day like all the rest?”

…“How could you know just what you did? So full of faith yet so full of doubt, I ask. Time and time again, you said, don’t be afraid. “If you believe you can do it.”

Today is a day for Jimmy Eat World. I’ve been feeling like Bright Eyes until I realized that I needed Jimmy Eat World.

Ultimately, I accomplished nothing today. I played Zelda. You know, I’ve always thought of video game playing as being a huuuuuge waste of time. You don’t get anything in the end. And yet I’ve managed to put that prejudice aside, and play video games for hours. Yes, hours. Those damn soldiers keep ramming into me and killing me. And every time you get down to one hit point, it beeps like crazy. I almost shot my television. But it’s all in the name of fun, right?

… And then I found out that when you complete the game, it tells you how many times you’ve died. How hardcore is that? Just watch, it’s going to be a hundred and twenty three. But those were only at the really bad parts, okay? I don’t suck at playing video games. I’m awesome at them. I just think they are a huge waste of time. But I’m a kid and I should be able to have fun without thinking of the nonexistent practicality, right?

… Geez. I suck at having fun. Or just seeing the bright side of things. D:

I went to the mall with Debbie yesterday, and we had a good time. Except for the fact that we didn’t meet up at the same place and we were waiting for each other for an hour… But yah. It was still swt. We were a tad bored though, since neither of us like shopping all that much and we had nothing to shop for. I bought a Hamtaro DVD. And I wanted to get rid of a giftcard, so I bought the Plus 44 cd. Except I already have it. It’s okay, I guess. Hot Topic has a very limited selection of cds, I’ll tell you. Debbie and I had fun picking the cds out, though, because we listen to the same stuff (kind of)

Oh, and we read greeting cards out loud to each other. Surprisingly, the only time two atheists went out together, the very first card I picked up was from a company called ChristianExpressions. We had tons of fun reading the Christian expressions from the cards to each other. And we had fun with those cards that make music. :D

Dad gets a good first impression from Debbie, so he said that she  can come over whenever she wants. Maybe I’ll ask her to come over sometime. Just not this week, though, because she’s going a-campin’.

You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat

… “ While the world was flying by. I haven’t been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don’t advertise. I’ve been sleeping so strange with a head full of pesticide. I got no plans and too much time, I feel too restless to unwind. I’m always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favorite neon sign, where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word.”

Geez. I’ve been using the hugest quotes to open my entries, lately. But it’s okay, because it is Bright Eyes =D

I’ve been feeling very poetic, but I feel if I were to fill up those papers once more, people would think I’m being all scene.

I worked on my anthology until eleven last night. But that was the last time I really looked at the clock. So really, I have no idea when I went to bed, but it was really late. I feel terrible, and my father will not let me sleep for more than an hour everyday!

I am starting to welcome summer with open arms, when I realized how much time I’ll have to do stuff. I started to reject the thought once I realize that I do not have a driving permit; I will probably not get one for a very long time; my parents would not let me walk places this summer; my mother’s agoraphobia (yes, seriously.) keeps her inside all summer long, because her only motivation to go anywhere is because of my father; and, ultimately, summer school. *sigh*

I was looking through the pictures we have. It turns out, mom and dad took a s***load of pictures when I was a baby; and I got to see tiny mommy! And tiny Amanda!

Oh, and as a result of seeing tiny Amanda, I realize that I am the coolest person I know. My mom told me a few days ago that I would rub her earlobes when I was a baby (I don’t know why, either) and when she would turn away, I would pinch her. I’m so awesome, I cannot believe it.

… And I guess I am just weird, but it was pretty comforting to see the pictures! For the longest time, I had believed that most of my memories from when I was little, were made up. What can I say? I read alot when I was little, and I have discovered plenty of false memories as a result.

Anthony is going to send me his arguments (finally!) after three weeks of consolation. I will win. Why do I win? Because Anthony is a clueless idiot (okay, that was a bit mean. He’s a clueless idiot who is usually smart, but the oxytocin flowing through his brain does not allow him to make appropriate judgments.) who makes up verbs. Observe:

“Even if the bible did not say homosexuality was wrong, I would still personally believe that it was wrong. Simply look at it this way; God created Adam and Eve, a woman and a man, not two men or two women. We are created (or evolutionized, depending on what you believe) perfectly for a man to be with a woman.”

Oh, and if he tells me that evolution is a theory, I think I will hit him over the head with a keyboard. Observe:

Ah. Did you think of the other kind of keyboard? Yeah. I thought so. This one looks radder.

But anyways. I got my AR points in. I am not surprised, but mom and dad were freaking out about it. I knew I’d get them in. Therefore, I wasn’t freaking out.

I didn’t really want to go and take my AR test, but Kai came with me and a good time was had by all. It was quite fun, actually. I love that dude.

Woot! The Rocket Summer’s new record is coming out on my birthday. Swt.

School’s ending in eight days, I believe. So weird to think about!

The freshman farewell was yesterday, and I didn’t go. So during the rehearsal during fifth period, everybody who wasn’t going got to go outside and play around. It was fun! Laurie said it was boring. She actually fell asleep on my lap. But then again, she can fall asleep anywhere. I guess I am just more sentimental than she is, just because her and I never seem to hang out by ourselves much.

I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I find myself saying to myself, “I wish this moment could last forever! Remember how this feels, because this probably will not happen again.” Seriously. I don’t know. Even though I am very young, I’ve been hearing tons of stuff about the world ending, and it’s made me feel really morbid.

… And about the world ending. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The Mayans were an extremely advanced people, especially in astronomy and mathematics. They cared alot about the calendar, and spent years working on it. They accurately foretold lunar eclipses and stuff, which is pretty difficult to do! They even engraved their calendar on a pyramid, and set this pyramid up in a way that when the sun passes through the pyramid during the spring and autumn equinoxes, it looks like a snake is writhing up the steps of the pyramid. And given this information, I would love to believe the world would end.

But… This whole thing about the world ending sends me down a path that yells “OMGZ! DIVINE INTERVENTION!” and the Maya did think that the world would end because of Quetzalcoatl. And, you know, this doesn’t help, either:

“The progressiveness of the Mayan culture convinced a certain sector of their fan base that the Maya were actually not human at all. This line of thinking follows the concept that the Maya are in fact aliens from another planet who traveled by the light of the stars. The belief is that the Mayans will return on December 21, 2012 to transform reality. One of the curators of this theory is Jose Arguelles, author of “The Mayan Factor: Path Beyond Technology.” Arguelles believes the Maya actually are from the star Arcturus in the Pleides cluster and materialized in Mesoamerica as “galactic agents.””

But anyways. We are making an ice cream cake in food science as our final project (we all have to make different things) and we had extra stuff today so… I ate ice cream sandwiches AND lumpia! Lumpia is amazing. I do not know anybody who despises lumpia. Lumpia is so pimpin’. (Actually, I really hate that adjective.) I love it so much, I’m going to make a song.

Lumpia Lumpia

So heavenly and true

Made by old ladies who dye their poodles blue

Lumpia Lumpia

Food of the gods

And is made of encephalopods (Not really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

Is part of a conspiracy

To overthrow the RIAA and restore piracy! (Yes, really.)

Lumpia Lumpia

How can this be so?

With you so far away and to Riza’s house not to go?

… The last part has to do with the fact that I never have lumpia outside of the quarters of Riza’s house.

OH! AND LORREN!
‘Ere is the link since I forgot your e-mail. Lame.

Oh, and excuse the bad grammar. I am very tired.

I’m your brother’s sworn enemy

…”But I’ll shout my love to the stars!”

The movie was okay. I fell asleep halfway through, actually. People from block were there! Awkward!

Amelia, Megan, and I had fun before the movie started, while we made fun of the previews. It was quite interesting how the three of us were the loudest compared to the rest of the theatre (and, the show was sold out. Yeah.)

I slept over at Megan’s house and we had fun. We fell asleep at around one or two in the morning and was greeted by freshly made waffles. They eat like KINGS over there, I tell you!

I am extraordinarily tired (we woke up at seven or eight, and I didn’t get that much sleep in the first place) and considering the fact that I have tons of homework, I need to read my book, and that I need to finish my dress SOON since the dance is next Saturday… And that my father will not allow me to do any homework because he says, and I quote- “You look like crap.”

I think I’m gaining weight. Which is good, but I feel slightly unhealthy. I haven’t weighed myself yet, but my tummy is getting bigger. And is staying that way for more than a few hours. I don’t know what to think of it, though, because I heard gaining alot of weight in a short period of time is bad. And since I have this stabbing pain within my abdomen, I’m not sure if that is good, either.

Oh, you’re not convinced as to why I should be worried? Here is a tally of the things I have consumed within the last twenty four hours:

- a chimichanga with beans and rice

- half of a serving of fried ice cream (I shared with Amelia)

- a brownie

- Starbursts

- Mike and Ike candy

- four waffles

- roughly, a cup of strawberries and whipped cream (about half a cup of the latter)

- chinese food (which included rice/mongolian beef/ teriyaki chicken)

- five pieces of pizza

I never eat that much in one day.

I love Amelia to death. But ever since I explained my atheism (No, I wasn’t all like, “OMGZ! GOD DOESN’T EXIST!!!” I don’t ask for confrontation like that.) she has started to quote the bible to me. I’m not sure if this is a coincidence or not, and needless to say, it gets a little awkward. I don’t say anything about it to her, I just let it slide, but I’m not sure how to think of it. I really hope she’s not trying to help me “find my way”, or that she will pray for me or something. I give her more credit than that, really, but you never know when it comes to religion. People become VERY different people when it comes to religion (example: A perfectly intelligent person may proceed to believe the myth concerning the existence of god.)

You want to hear something truly funny? Get this- Chuck Norris believes atheists are involved in a conspiracy to make the world an evil place, therefore, abolishing Christianity. Check it out (this has tons of lingo within it, so I added notes within the brackets):

“Chuck Norris is an internationally-known killing machine and born-again Christian who has just discovered the Blasphemy Challenge [An internet challenge started by the Rational Response Squad, in which they challenge atheists to blaspheme God, videotape it, and put it online] As of this report, Brian Sapient [he's the dude in charge of the Blasphemy Challenge and of the Rational Response Squad] and crew are fortifying their “bunker” with lead and concrete.

This, of course, will not work. Chuck advises all theistic patriots to “be wise to atheists’ overt and covert schemes, exposing their agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans.” To inform his readers of the correct plan of attack, Chuck details the Evil Atheist Conspiracy’s 5-year plan (procured, no doubt, from the freshly slain corpse of one of our operatives). This includes:

Outlawing Christianity

1. by causing a goof-up at the mint, resulting in “In God We Trust” being accidentally left off some new dollar coins.

2. by joining the Freedom From Religion Foundation and ensuring that the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution is correctly applied.

3. by discovering the existence of a nonbelieving Congressman.

4. by forcing Congress to pass a hate-crime bill.

Targeting Children

1. by daring to raise them without religion.

2. by offering a non-religious summer camp for freethinking kids.

3. by providing an online forum to allow teenagers to question faith.

4. by offering unholy Richard Dawkins link buttons for MySpace pages.

Promoting Atheism

1. by purchasing Richard Dawkins’ “atheist bible.” [AKA The God Delusion]

2. by allowing Sam Harris to write letters. [Another book on atheism]

3. by ignoring the science that proves God. It’s clear- Chuck has our number, and I’d advise you all to clear out before you see the beard.”

That was from another blog”, which basically summarized this article.

I believe I have also gained another perspective of things. I’ve started to notice how stereotypical the world is, or at least, how it is portrayed within the media. It has ruined the things I used to laugh at. For example- there was a trailer I was watching (may I note- ANOTHER stupid religious movie. It’s that ridiculous one about Noah’s ark. I almost gouged my eyes out.) and this dude crashed into this woman’s bus or something. A woman came out of the bus and started yelling at the man for it. Of course, this woman was black. I mean, imagine it- when was the last time you saw a woman yelling at a man within the media that was Caucasian? I do not.

“Miss America” is one of the most beautiful songs by Something Corporate. The beginning is an electric blue with thin black strips, and then a layer of gold, and then pink. And then it turns into a moving purple. It’s swt. I don’t know, I haven’t talked about synesthesia in a while. I really should. I feel like I don’t appreciate it as much as I should. But when I write about it, it loses value and sentiment.

They say that love goes anywhere

… “I feel that when I’m old, I’ll look at you and know, the world was beautiful.”

I’m going to see Pirates of the Caribbean at six today and then I’m going to sleep over at Megan’s house.

Today was awesome. Everybody loves field trips. I mean, EVERYBODY. So today was rad. I really wish it lasted forever! Megan, Gene and I hung out most of the time. It was cool, except Gene hardly talks.

Amelia and I shared ice cream and a good time was had by all. Oh, and I have this new thing now- adding the suffix “-ize” to every verb I say. Swt. On the way back, it was really hot. I was sweating pretty badly when I got to science.

We made brownies today in food science. I wouldn’t say they were great. They were way too chocolate-y for my taste.

Tonight is going to be fun. Amelia is coming with us to see the movie! I finished sewing my practice dress (AKA made from muslin) and it turned out well, mostly. I have to chop off a few inches from the side so it fits correctly BUT! I totally installed a non-wrinkly zipper. WITHOUT USING A ZIPPER FOOT. The invisible zipper foot I got absolutely sucks. Or at least, the instructions on the back. It tells me how to assemble the zipper foot, BUT NOT HOW TO PUT IT ON THE MACHINE! And no, this is not common knowledge because it is virtually impossible to insert a square into a circle. So there. The answer is not that obvious.

I am currently compiling Megan’s birthday present. I’m getting better at this whole gift-giving thing, I think. Or maybe I’m just getting worse and people are way too polite. But either way…

We’re starting the anthology in english and I have no idea where to begin. When I introduce myself in the thing, the first idea I want to write about is my whole atheism thing. But I’m not sure if people will like that. O.o I’m tired of having to walk on eggshells whenever I talk about this stuff. Okay, so!

Rant time! “If Work Permits” is just about the best song ever. But then again, I say that alot. I love it so! At the beginning, it is really acoustic and boring and then they hit you with electric. It’s freaking rad. The Format should have my babies.

There was this hobo riding a bicycle next to the sidewalk on the way back to school. I decided this dude should have my babies. I don’t know his name, but I decided to name him (I forgot what I named him at the time, but the last name was…) Hamsterdam and yes, he’s from New Hamsterdam. He owns platypuses. Woot.

You don’t do it on purpose but you make me shake

… “Now I’ll count the hours until you wake when your baby’s breath breathes symphonies, come on sweet catastrophe, well, maybe this time I could follow through, I could feel complete, stop paying dues, stop the rain from falling, keep my ocean calm, this time I know nothing is wrong!”

What kind of atheist are you?

You scored as a Militant Atheist Willing to take theists to task, the Militant Atheist is someone who knows deep within themselves that there is no god and they want to tell you all about how they know. Even though they’re as annoying in their own way as militant theists, this is often a phase of development and doesn’t tend to last very long. If it does, they’re in danger of becoming an Angry Atheist and making everyone uncomfortable.

Militant Atheist 100%

Angry Atheist 83%

Apathetic Atheist 67%

Scientific Atheist 67%

Agnostic 33%

Spiritual Atheist 0%

Theist 0%

Heh. I’m a bit disappointed with this score, because I feel equally militant AND angry.

Hmm. Today wasn’t that terrible.

In first we learned about the anthology thing we are going to do. It’s so weird to think that the year is this close to ending- when she said “this is the last project you will do for this class”, it really brought a sense of finality. Not to mention that every single class I have, we’ve been talking about the last week of school. I am not anticipating the end of school much.

We’re going to Azteca tomorrow, which will be quite fun. Amelia and I are sharing ice cream. It’s Megan’s birthday tomorrow, too.

We’re planning on going to the movies and then sleeping over at her house. Hopefully Amelia will be able to come, because it would be fun. Except for the fact that my mother has to converse with her mother first.

We made brownies today in food science. The whole class is a blur to me. Who would’ve thunk it? I never expected to be friends with Cody, or Spencer, or Amelia. At least not in this way. It’s quite nice. Before I would see them with my other friends, starting conversations with them because they were actually friends, and I never thought I would be considered their friends. I love them so much.

Digitools has consisted of nothing useful. This eighth grader did a powerpoint presentation on junior high romance. Yeah. Debbie and Lorren have been playing tetris all period. I started it but lately, I haven’t been playing it much. I’m really trying to find some kind of volunteer thing to do over the summer. I once thought there were tons of opportunities. I suppose there are not.

Yesterday was the pep assembly. Laurie and I didn’t go. It may have been the last one at our school, and who knows, maybe I’ll regret not going later, but I cannot stand those things. It was okay, Laurie and I had little to do. We ended up playing card games. But I got skittles.

The earthquake drill had also occurred. It was really funny, because we had a substitute and since the class was too loud, we ended up going under our desks instead of evacuating. I love how Spencer was getting his mp3 player out on the way.

I just finished watching 24 and dare I say it.. JACK! DON’T JUMP! AH! And Chloe is pregnant. This is the first time there has been the slightest pathetic soap-opera drama during the show. BUT OMGZ! We cannot afford to have little Morris’ (Morrii?) running around.

keep in mind it’s picture time

… “My smile wasn’t staged but anyway.”

The best feeling in the world: Reaching for a glass of water and realizing it is apple juice. F*** yeah.

I napped today. Which was quite nice. Until my dog barked the loudest he possibly could have, in which I proceeded to cry. Thanks.

Oh, and today I totally had a conversation with the one person I *really* care about. It was swt. And I did not act like a total bimbo. Or maybe I did, but I don’t remember. Either way, the memory is rather nice. And he looked at me awesomely. Although it had no connotative meaning, it was still pretty rad. (Actually I remember this vividly now (five minutes after I wrote this paragraph… He was all freaking out over homework. I guess the oxytocin is not flowing much through my brain right now but dude, why overreact?! )

I took a math test today and I was on the very last question and the bell rang. I was pretty lucky because my teacher is giving us extra time tomorrow. It was a bit odd though, because my teacher was handing out the test to our row and was like, “Amanda, you look so sad!” and then Cameron was like, “what’s wrong?” I was completely surprised by my teacher even asking, I wasn’t even looking sad! And if I did, it was completely unintentional. So I said, “Really? I am? I’m as happy as I can be!” it was a little weird since I never seem to get attention from any of my teachers throughout the day.

It is also weird that everybody cares so much about the dress I’m making for the dance! Every now and then somebody would ask me how it is going (and it does not have anything to do with the conversation) it’s nice. I can’t help but wonder if they are just making small talk, though. You know me and my pessimism!

I stayed a little after school today and bought my ticket for the dance *finally!*

You know what’s swt? Visual illusions. It’s cool because they had this contest and chose the top ten. They have possible explanations of how they work for most of them.

This is something almost as awesome: An article from Wired talking about how absurd security measures (like banning fake guns in school plays) are psychologically satisfying but not practical at all. Finally, the world is not as stupid as I once thought! These dudes at Wired should have my babies. Hmm..

I think it is time for me to reflect on the year. This year was pretty terrible, but I think that was due to the stress of school. What can I say? I enjoyed every single hug I received, we all had such awesome conversations. I absolutely love how my friends (from either lunch during the year) had always made me feel better. We always laughed! Which was great! If it weren’t for this year, I would not have been able to truly appreciate the people around me. This year, psychological maturation has progressed at a much faster rate than the past two years combined.

I’m trying to find some kind of atheism thing I can do to put on my portfolio. It’s something I really “believe” (if that’s the right word) in- and it’d be swt if I could do it. But then again, the separation of church and state is far from here, and some colleges may reject me for being an atheist. Sure, it’s discrimination, but I do not doubt it would happen. The *slight* psychosis I have been diagnosed with will not help either, oops!

Hah, Jerry Falwell has died. Oh, you don’t know who he is? Let me give you a brief synopsis:

1. He was a strong segregationist. He changed his mind later, but he referred the Civil Rights Movement as the “Civil Wrongs Movement”. He even wanted a book to be banned because the main character was black.

2. He advocated the death penalty for homosexuals

3. He believed public schools were bad because they condoned atheism, secularism, and humanism.

4. He opposed women’s suffrage

5. Falwell sued people. He seemed to like it too.

6. Yeah, wikipedia’d. “In November 1983, Larry Flynt’s pornographic magazine Hustler carried a parody of a Campari ad, featuring a fake interview with Falwell in which he admits that his “first time” was incest with his mother in an outhouse while drunk” Yeah, he sued them for it, too.

7. He sued some dude for making a website called Fallwell.com. I guess he missed the extra L.

8. He was anti-semitic and believed the anti-christ would present itself as a Jew. In the Middle East.

9. He claimed Tinky Winky was gay because he is purple. And has a triangle on his head. Really. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way- thank you for that link, Heather- it is a bit late but it is still pretty useful! And I’m thinking of taking some pictures, because this is the freshman dance! =D