You know every word they say

… “You knew just the right things to say to them. Distance ripped us farther and farther and farther away.”

Today was pretty good. We did virtually nothing in all of our classes.

Instead of going to the pep assembly, I went to my favorite teacher’s classroom and chilled out for a while. Except other people did that, too, and it made the entire thing extraordinarily uncomfortable because I couldn’t read Crime and Punishment in peace. God, people- this is study hall. If you wanted to talk, you should’ve gone to the pep assembly. I hate everyone.

Cody had lunch with us today. It was awkward but I was too busy being all :D! to care.

One of the restaurants mom and dad seem to love is this stupid place that we affectionately call, “Chung’s,” even if that’s not the name of the restaurant at all and quite honestly, I feel like someone made up the name. Anyways. It sells teriyaki chicken and only teriyaki chicken. I hate teriyaki chicken, and I feel like everyone else on this planet does besides my parents. I also feel like my parents are the only sponsors that help maintain this business, really.

So, they called me when they were there because they told me they would if they discovered anything on the menu that did not involve teriyaki chicken. The options were pho soup, egg rolls, spring rolls, and fried rice. All of which are essentially side dishes to complement teriyaki chicken. First, I hate spring rolls. They are lame and whomever invented spring rolls deserved to host a debilitating parasite within his or her intestines. Second, I’ve never consumed pho soup but I heard it was really good so I asked for it. My mother said that I wouldn’t like it so she wouldn’t get it for me.

In the end, I ordered egg rolls and chicken fried rice. (Another thing- shrimp fried rice owns, I don’t understand why the only choices that were available were pork, chicken, and beef.) I only ordered egg rolls because I wanted to spite spring rolls. I don’t know how good egg rolls taste, but they should be better than spring rolls because nothing is worse than spring rolls.

On second thought, I should have bought spring rolls so I could pain them as I consume them. Not only that, but I would keep the spring rolls away from their friends in the process, which could possibly induce suicide among the spring rolls and make all spring rolls die. Like Voldemort, only not.

Edit:

WHY OH WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?

They put teriyaki chicken. In my fried rice.

I hate everyone.

This place is void of all passion

… “If you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort.”

Gosh, it’s been so ;laskjfl;ksjd;lfkjsdlfkj the last couple of days. And this sums it up perfectly:

Norman says (8:55 PM):
you don’t go like “hai, i like you woman” and then be like “…but i don’t want a committed relationship”
Norman says (8:55 PM):
especially since you went and trashed your other man after hearing cody liked you
___

And because of that, I’m getting a bit mean to Cody. If that makes me an antagonistic degenerate, then so be it. I have my pride. And even if breaking up with the other guy was completely selfish and I do not forgive myself at all for it, at least I lost my self-respect in the process.

/optimism

Spending too much time on self-improvement is anti-social.

K. So I’m a bit angry right now. No, I’m very, very, angry right now. Y’all better watch yourselves, because I’m ready to bring it!

Jesus, everyone is reciprocating my feelings lately. Dear god, what am I going to do. Sublimation.

Man, I love Tender is the Night. In a lot of ways right now, I feel like Dick Diver.

I am getting quite a kick out of this bluntness thing. ‘Cept it comes so easily that I probably hurt people in the process or make them feel awkward. I don’t want to end up like my aunt, so uh, I guess I need to change that.

You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay right where I can see you.

I edited Christina Pung’s essay last night for her. I had tons of homework to do, but I did it anyways because I love her so much, haha. When I gave it to her, she exclaimed, “OH MY GOD, thank you, Amanda! I love you so much!” and she gave me a hug.

Mary had lunch with me today because we had a flip schedule. It was nice. I miss her tons. I wish she was around more often. She’s so much fun to hang out with.

Wow, this week was absolutely terrible. It was mostly because as much as I try to admit that I feel better, I don’t, and I should not still be thinking about this since I haven’t spoken to her in months. I suck.

Except when I don’t. :3

Aw, at least we’ll all die someday and this won’t mean anything. Despite everything, I hate how true that statement is.

… And I totally refuted the point about the importance of personality tests. Basically, here is what my teacher told me:

“This test is how you are.”

What I love is that I was the only skeptical person in the room. Everyone else willingly accepted this as truth. Really- is everyone that insecure about their convictions about themselves?

I couldn’t believe it. And I looked like a weirdo or an idiot because I refuted him. If I think it’s wrong and he fails to prove me otherwise, I’m not going to accommodate him. He basically told me that those results were indoctrinating in relation to my personality. Uh, yeah, now I realize why Zoe transferred out.

I’ll be as antagonistic as I want to be. Obviously, everyone else in the room was willing to accept it just because our teacher said it- and they were arguing against me about it, too, so the conversation would end. I’ve read more psychology textbooks than any of the other students- I have not read one that encourages the use of personality tests for practical or even personal purposes. In fact, I haven’t read one that even views personality tests in a positive light. I won’t say I know more than the teacher does (but that is by a very slim margin) but I do know more than the other students, who are taking the class because they are primarily interested in pop psychology. God, I’m angry.

… And yeah, he hit me with, “They’ve been using these tests for centuries!”

Shall I list the logical fallacies? Yes, I shall!

1. Appeal to Belief
2. Appeal to Common Practice
3. Appeal to Emotion
4. Argumentum ad antiquitatem

Everyone can suck it.

‘Nuff said.

Hang me up to dry.

We ride different buses now. There are people who ride the bus, but there’s this dude named Charles who almost always has a seat beside him that is empty.

I enjoy his company greatly. I love talking to him. I absolutely soak everything in whenever we speak. It’s such fun. If he were my age, even if it’s just a year younger, I wouldn’t mind dating him. Or whatever. Megan has this huge thing against him, though. She opposes how he tried to advance their relationship so quickly- he called her house within the first week of school and asked her out. Typically, I attribute and favor someone who takes risks like that. Even before I began to get to know him, I thought that was a pretty admirable thing to do.

Hah, the only positive thing about changing buses thus far is that I can talk to him more often than I used to. Every time I talk to him, I realize how much we have in common. It is surprising, since I just met him. Even if I am aware that this has no divine intervention involved whatsoever, I still like the idea. It’s hopeful, if somewhat delusional.

I tend to gravitate toward people like this. Perhaps that is because it reflects how I am, actually. Or at least, I think so. It is very difficult for me to characterize myself since I just do whatever I think is right. I do not do anything for the sake of spontaneity or to look cool. I do things for myself. It is very difficult to pick out patterns within my behavior because of that.

Cody showed me a few pokemon cards that looked like cephalopods. I’ll be honest- I’ve never been too interested in pokemon, and I don’t have aspirations to be in the future. I do not have an opposition towards pokemon- I think it’s the cutest thing ever. Which is shallow, but whatever. Cody showing me those cards made my year, though. He always manages to find some way to make me happy.

Knowledge Bowl was k. My team isn’t going to state, but another team is and the other team is tied with another local school. It’s interesting. I might even come along with them, since they need alternates!

On the way back, however, we had a huge conversation about religion. I did not establish this, mind you. I tried very hard to not be insulting towards everyone else.

… But man, I thought the people on Knowledge Bowl would be smarter than this. Yeah, it was a pretty ignorant assumption to make, whatever. I expected them to be slightly skeptical of things like this. I’m pretty ticked off. I do appreciate how the guy who thinks I’m hot looked at me with such hope and adoration when I said that I wanted to announce something to the group, only for his dreams to be smashed down by my antitheistic/atheistic views. Uh, that’s what you get for being Catholic? :3

The thing that bugged me the most was how I was so torn between my “it comforts them, let them believe whatever they want.” and my “oh my god, they are so wrong about everything.” I was ready to bring it. Aw, I had so much faith in all these people not to let me down with their religious stuff. Oh, and their arguments were so weak. And typical. The conversation was not thought-provoking at all, which disappointed me because I had hoped that it would be; that is the reason why I was listening in the first place. I had heard it all before. Only by people that I had respected less. Well.

With Christianity, I’m not completely all right with it but I do not necessarily disagree with it. I think I can attribute that to the fact that I have met more passive Christians than I have met, say, fundamental Mormons. And there are alot of fundamental Mormons that I know. I oppose LDS at about the same level of Co$. The degradation of women seems to be more prevalent within the Mormon community than the Christian community. At least there are some Christians that are somewhat skeptical about their religion and tailor it to their needs, but it seems like there are more Mormons who are willing to accept it. Hah, I don’t think passive Co$ believers exist. I mean, if you have to pay thousands of dollars to achieve a higher status in a church, it wouldn’t be particularly easy to admit that the system is wrong.

Oh, not to mention that LDS and Co$ are cults.

Me: What is the point of salvation if you don’t even know what God forgives and punishes you for?

*everyone else carries on*

Me: Oh, and by the way, Jesus never existed.

*Kenny glares at me from the depths of his soul*

Me: Yeah, you heard that, didn’t you?!

*Kenny resumes reading his Salvation Map aloud*

_edit

So, what has this conversation done to my perspective of my peers?

I would hope the impact would be very little. I want to judge people by what they do and not what they think. Somehow, I don’t think I’m at that point yet. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to think they are dumber than I am, that they are bad people, or that they are any less respectable. I’m not sure what this means.

It annoys me that people can lie to themselves this substantially just to maintain homeostasis. That they do not try to get all of the facts before making a proper assumption. That they aren’t strong enough to face the facts. I also understand, though, that getting all the facts and all that jazz may not work for everyone. There are certain things people have to do to make themselves feel comfortable- even if I acknowledge it as it happens, I still do this for myself all the time.

As illogical as it is, I don’t want to admit that I do not have all the answers. I don’t think that’s illogical at all, actually, I’m sugarcoating it. People are smarter than I am, but I have a full grasp of this religious thing. I know more than most “religious” people do.

Oh- but to completely ignore contradictory facts to make oneself feel comfortable, is a completely different thing. It is forgivable to do this for minor things- not while choosing the foundations of your life. laskjdfl;askjdflkjdsf

—> Now, let’s reflect this back to myself. I know there is nothing I can say to these people to make them begin to question their beliefs. Quite honestly, I think they attach too much sentiment to them, because really, they have inherited these beliefs from their parents; it is that simple. Am I really this stubborn that I consistently get into arguments with people about this, even if I know that I am not going to progress at all? Perhaps I have not been exposed to this stuff live much. I can recall about fifteen instances in real life within the past couple of years that bring religion into question.

Another thing is that during this discussion, I spoke very little. I do not know when I’m being too harsh or if something I am saying is even insulting. I say what I mean, but that’s a pretty bold statement because I try pretty hard to sugarcoat whatever I am saying. But I never really know if I am being insulting. I suppose that is the Enlightenment fallacy at work. I tend to think that if I just put the truth out there, people will see that, and not whatever else they perceive it to be. Which is, of course, wrong.

I can hear as you tap on your jar

Uh, yeah, I feel a bit nostalgic and that’s why I’ve been posting all these excerpts lately. It’s comforting to see how much I’ve grown.

Aw, whatever- I’m always nostalgic.

Today in world history, my classmates were playing baseball with an empty water bottle and almonds. My respect for these people diminishes every time I see them.

I don’t want to love you if love is this alone.

10/28/05

When I left, I saw him smiling through the glass window fixed in the door. I had the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the day. It amazes me how special that conversation, which was the third one we have ever engaged in, was. I could not focus on anything until lunch, because he was there. It’s so much like a movie. It feels nice to be able to compare my life to that.

3/25/06

I made Allie creampuffs for her birthday a few das ago. I went to her house yesterday after school, I rode the bus home with her. Debbie did, too, but C missed the bus so Allie and her dad went to pick her up. So me and Debbie had nothing to do. Allie told us to watch TV, and she had like, fifty remotes. So me and Debbie were trying to turn it on, and when we finally did, we couldn’t find anything to watch since NONE OF US REALLY WATCH TV.
So we counted all the cows in her living room and kitchen. We stopped at 96, then we kept finding more, and Allie had a notepad that only she writes on, and I wrote that she had 96 cows, but then we kept finding more, to a total of 110, then we found even more, and we gave up.
Allie and C came back, and then we started talking in her room. We went downstairs and ate, then we went outside and played for a little while until dad picked me up.

5/6/06

Okay, this week has been so exciting, yet I am so tired of repeating the story. We went to California by train for two days. Which was ultimately delayed by three hours. Dad thought the experience was spetacular, but it was okay. We went because my aunt became sick from antibiotics and as she is 72, this is pretty simple “disease.”

We stayed at my great aunt’s house. The experience itself wasn’t particularly enriching- I had an essay to do, which I had to do on someone’s laptop.

We boarded the train once more, grandma cried! We watch 24 the entire way back and got through the first season. We were dealyed seven and a half hours this time, which only made me angrier.

When I got back, I found out that Riza has a new boytoy! Yeah, she does. This dude’s name is Zack. Mmph.

9 /14/06

Some dude: “You knit in class?”

Me: “Yeah. Our teacher said I could, so I kind of am.”

Some dude: “Oh. Knitting’s so cool, I wish I could knit.”

Just like you, only sweeter.

Today was one of the best days that I’ve had for a long time. I talked to Cody before sixth period (Er, yeah. I’ve been mentioning him pretty anonymously lately, but whatever.); I got an A on my essay final!!! Uh, I suppose that’s the extent of happiness that occurred within my day, but whatever. It was good enough for me.

After school as I was going to Knowledge Bowl, I talked to Kat from Spanish class. It was surprising how she had the idea of how I am “smart in Spanish.” She’s really cute, haha. I didn’t really understand how she got that message, since I hardly ever speak within that class and when I do, I sound pretty stupid. And it’s not like I judge the merits of my classmates by the answers they give in class. That’s the only place she could have based her judgment from because I never, ever speak to her. I was surprised she even recognized me as we were walking up the stairs together. It’s not like I don’t want to speak to her, the opportunity has never come up.

As much as I hate to admit it, Knowledge Bowl makes me feel extraordinarily inadequate. It shouldn’t. For one thing, this is supposed to be for fun, but somehow it turns into a who-has-a-larger-nerdy-penis competition, if you get my drift. Another thing is that the knowledge that is exhibited during the practices and competitions are not a reflection of how smart I am; basically, whether one knows the answer to a question or not is a matter of probability.

It turns out that my cumulative GPA is substantially lower than I had expected it to be. It’s not terribly offensive; it’s a 3.3, but I thought I had a 3.8. Yeah.

Uh, yeah. Thankfully I have a few classes I can jump start because of the As I received. I just don’t know how much that will bring my GPA up. Man, I guess I didn’t understand the system as well as I thought I did.

WE HAVE ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP IN IT.

Even if it still tastes way too acidic or whatever- there’s pulp. And that’s the only reason why I drink it. Except it makes me use the bathroom *cough*pee*cough* during the day, which is strange because it means that I have to go into the bathroom. It’s just so awkward when you’re washing your hands and you hear someone peeing and they come out of the bathroom AND YOU KNOW THEM. laskjdfl;askjdflskjdf

My new alarm clock eats away at my soul. It’s out to get me- I swear it. I woke up this morning and I was debating with myself whether I should go back to sleep or not and I told myself, “Well, I have another hour, whatever,” (In case you didn’t know, I put my alarm clock in my dresser drawer so it wouldn’t make my brain explode as it rang) and I turned over and fell asleep. Right away, the bell started ringing, and I forgot to put it in the drawer last night and it absolutely broke my heart, dude. That was absolutely terrifying.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!

My conversation with God.

I utilized this baby for a few minutes today. Check out my humbling experience beneath the cut. (I finally figured out how to use it.)

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night

It’s painful when you realize, your lives are intertwined. It’s helped me somewhat.

So, there are two guys that I am somewhat interested in. One of them is actively showing interest in me, more so than the other guy. I think they’re cool, but I’m not attracted to either of them. It’s time for me to begin forming an honest relationship with myself, really. I cannot consider myself as rational if I’m not honest with myself. NO MORE. I don’t know. I mean, one guy is cool. He’s nice to me and acts like he is attracted to me. I guess that’s making him look better than he really is. I don’t know him at all. The other guy I’ve known for a while and I’m very comfortable around him and he’s the coolest guy I know. There isn’t a person I enjoy being around more.

… But I don’t see myself in a relationship with either person. They’re fun to be around, but I don’t think of them in that way.  I suck.  I feel like I should like them. Gosh, there isn’t a person that I’ve felt all omgz about since Logan. What does that say about my current state? Is it a lack of people or is it my fault? Man, I’m beyond annoyed.

I’m thinking of just laying low for a little while.

We are going to have an essay in English about Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. It’s going to be about our dreams and hopes. The worst thing is, I have none. I’m not really the kind of person who dreams of how I’m going to be years from now. When I was little, I did that, but that was mostly because I had nothing else to do. The world was so limited at the time that I couldn’t help but imagine what life would be like later on, the opportunities, and of course, it was primarily influenced by television. Maybe I just don’t know what I want right now, or I’ve grown up and I don’t need dreams to find meaning or direction. If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite the laid-back person. I’ll take things as they come. The only thing that I wish about life later on is that I’ll be independent and happy. Maybe this would lead to an interesting essay or an incredibly boring one. I mean, there are things I would like to happen, but they are contrary to reality so I don’t ponder those thoughts too long. Counterfactual thinking really isn’t for me, haha. I would like to live in Seattle. But it isn’t my dream.

Yesterday, I was knitting in class and I was suddenly mobbed by these people that I don’t know with requests to knit them hats and stuff. I don’t know these people. Not to mention, these are among the most obnoxious people at my school. But anyways. This girl turned around and she said, “So, you’re like, smart, right?”

…

‘Nuff said.

Man, this new Honorary Title record is great.

Today, I went to Key Club with Debbie. It was a refreshing experience, seeing as we had an actual conversation and had some degree of fun during it. Things are slowly, but surely, getting better. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person who is having a positive experience involving her.

On Friday, we had this guest speaker come in to talk in AP Psychology and World History. The first speaker was great. The second speaker was an ignorant jerk who I hope that I never have to see vocalize their thoughts ever again! It’s amazing how much I absolutely disliked his presentation. He started out with this dude-speak that is supposedly inherent among males whenever they are outside of their profession. That, I tried to ignore, but since I’m flaming him right now, it’s fine for me to add it into my commentary. His presentation was okay up until he said:
“Those suicide bombers must be the stupidest people on this planet. I mean, really, what a weak way to fight.”

Er. Okay.

1. Suicide bombers/terrorists are not innately stupid. Most of the time, they are quite intelligent- phDs and all. It would be wonderful if the antithesis were true, in which case, we could just amp up the literacy programs and this problem would be quelled. I would go onwards with a antitheistic speech, but I’ll spare you that.
2. Suicide bombers do not do what they do to “fight.” They do it because they believe that sacrificing themselves will reward them with eternal paradise after death.
3. Oh, the irony within his statement was so overwhelming. He walked into the room, throwing in “likes” and “reallys” like there was no tomorrow. The last time I heard, using words like those bring your IQ down by at least three points. Not to mention that if that were the case- they would be on the same playing field. He is there, too, sacrificing himself for ideals he believes in.

Onwards with the first speaker, then. Haha, let’s put the cart before the horse today!

The first speaker was wonderful. She was a clinical psychologist from the navy. She stressed rationality, which made my heart explode. All-in-all, the way she talked about how psychologists think and observe problems made me feel like I could, possibly, succeed within this field. I may not be interested in clinical psychology, but still.

… This led me to this great epiphany about how I should get back onto the OMGZ SCHOOL complex once more. Y’know, how I should try a little more.

Gosh, I hate living here.

I did nothing over the weekend. I pondered beginning my dress for Tolo, which I abruptly ignored. Radio Free Roscoe is on television once more, which is the cutest show EVAR, so that brightened up life a bit.

I had so much to say but I don’t really remember anymore. D:

My confidence has been tested, and I can surely say that I don’t like anyone at all. It’s comforting. Not really. Even if I shouldn’t care about having a mate, I cannot help but ponder my future of becoming an old, single woman, living in an apartment with about forty cats, knitting Christmas sweaters and talking to herself, kthx. It’s an unrealistic and depressing epiphany to experience at fifteen, but it’s one I should think about if I want to have some kind of companion later on in life. Because, y’know, nobody really wants that kind of reality, but some people inevitably do. Darn it, I apologize for not being so self-liberating today.

Two-headed boy, pt. 2

But anyways. I finished reading Dante’s Inferno, and sure, it was only at the expense of my vocal chords. Man, I hate this retainer with a passion. It dramatically slows down the rate at which I can speak. Aw, annoying. I can’t say I got alot out of reading it, which is a shame. I have to read over it again anyways to do the dialectic notes, so I guess I have another opportunity to fully understand this book.

… Oh, but at least I caught an allusion to the New Testament, which totally was not in the notes at the end of the canto. I just hope it’s the right time period, or whatever. Something about No’s and Yes’. It’s neat, though. It proves my biblical aptitude, and seeing as the entire class is aware of my atheism, I think they’ll be a bit surprised. Even if I am completely unable to verbalize it directly. I recall this during circle time:

Me: Uh, yeah. My worst holiday was last year when I told my parents about my, uh… disbelief, in uh…

Someone: Santa Claus?!

(Immediately, I thought of the whole, “wow, it’s amazing how similar Santa Claus and Jesus are!” But I didn’t say anything. I decided to be nice.)

Me: Yes, Santa Claus.

I’m just scared to death of verbalizing it like that in front of everyone. I’m afraid of offending someone. When you’re speaking to someone personally, it’s easier since you probably know them well enough to disclose that. But when you’re speaking to a room of twenty people with various degrees of religiosity, it freaks you out a bit. But then again, if I make it a big deal like that, maybe I’m making it worse for myself. Honestly, though, it’s very difficult for me to say it in front of everyone.

I went outside to shovel the driveway with my mom. It took less than five minutes but when I came back inside, I was absolutely soaked. Not to mention that within fifteen minutes, the driveway was snowed over again. Yeah, I’m not going to go outside four times an hour just to ensure the driveway is snow-free.

I am trying to brainstorm ideas for the dresses, or whatever, that I’m going to make. I have one or two good ideas right now, although, I”m not sure how they will turn out. One dress is going to be the same as the dress I wore for freshman, mostly because the pattern is extraordinarily easy to recreate and I could make it in just a few hours. The other dress, though, I’m not sure about. I also have to find something to cover up my arms so I don’t get too cold, since these events are in February and March. So, I’m going to try and make sure the dresses coordinate with one another so I could just use one sweater instead of buying two. The fabric, I’m not sure about, either. I have a few dresses a family friend gave me, and perhaps, I could use that fabric instead of the usual cotton/polyester fabric I use. I just hate shiny fabrics, or anything too fancy. I just feel like I should go with the fancier fabrics because it’s an event like that. Even if I shouldn’t feel obliged at all, since the reason why I’m making my dress in the first place is so it would be something I would be comfortable in, and something that I really like. And anyways, fashion rules are so 2007.

Especially since it’s pretty much expected for me to make my dress for any occasion like this. Allie’s mother got on the phone when I was talking to Allie and asked me if I was going to make my dress for her party. Any time I talk about a dance or a party or any occasion, really, where I wear a dress, someone will almost always ask me if I made the dress that I’m wearing. It’s really complimentary, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I were to say that it doesn’t put stress on me. When it comes to the things I create, of course I want to make people proud of me, or be in awe of whatever I make. Even if it’s not my direct intent, I do want people to be surprised at whatever I make, because, quite honestly, people don’t sew their own clothes anymore, and it does take alot of work. There’s a reason why people switched to readymade clothing so quickly. Well, after it was made affordable to them.

I went to St. Vinnie’s yesterday, which was a bit fun. I found two bibles, which were given to me for free, as well as two religious pamphlets for a nickel. One of the pamphlets you fill in on your own- oh, I’m having so much fun with that. It’s turning out wonderfully. I also found some old maps, which I’m going to turn into book covers. It’s going to look so cool. I found the cutest embroidery book, although, my embroidery aptitude is very limited. I got a book on sergers, which was a great find for me, yeah. All under three dollars, too. Life is good when you’re at the thrift store, even if it means that I get Enrique Iglesias stuffed down my throat.

Oh, and by the way: Thank you, Psychology Today, for always putting the sleaziest articles on the front cover. My mother now lovingly names it, “the perverted magazine.” I’m honestly thinking of unsubscribing since all they report on lately is the most useless things. Unscientific things. Psychology is a scientific field, and is not about sex and work and all that stuff, only. Obviously, these headlines have probably resulted in more sales and that’s why they continue to do it. But it’s making me look like a fool to my parents, man.

The bad news is, time flies

… The good news is, you’re the pilot.

Wow, lots of things happened today.

We had circle time in English today and omgz some womenz was hitting on my manz. Even if I’m supposed to be “over” him, the fact that she has a boyfriend (pretty much) and I have (and never had) absolutely no claim over him… I’m still affected by it. There are so many reasons why I shouldn’t care, and somehow, I do. And that annoys me.  He even caught me looking over at him while they were flirting, or whatever. I have absolutely no moral objection to it- that’s the problem- but when I think about it, it makes me feel bad. I cannot describe the feeling, but it’s just bad. I mean, flirting is a natural thing for people to do, especially teenagers. A person can enjoy the experience of flirting without having any kind of intention of getting with someone, too, and if I were to have the intention of actually wanting to date him (which I no longer have), even then I wouldn’t be completely offended.

Man, something’s up with me. Perhaps, I feel a bit offended just because he knows that I like him and he has the nerve to flirt with another girl in front of me. But then again, how does that involve me at all? Is this a problem of sensitivity or politeness? Er, whatever. I shouldn’t care, so I won’t.

… I admit, though, as much as I love him, I find myself incredibly attracted to the girl he was “flirting,” with. Terrible, really. But maaaaan, she’s got it going on.

Oh, and I found out that golf is, indeed, a spring sport. He’ll never have the time- I may as well utilize the other people around me, yeah.

Wow, never needed a guillotine to get you off my miiiiind.

I gave everyone their presents this morning. Cody was laughing so hard that he almost cried. Personally,  I didn’t think it was that funny, and I was the person who was giving him the present, but it was a nice surprise.

And speaking of Cody, Riza overreacted once more today and was all, omgz Cody is dating Rocky now, omgz. Come on. He obviously is not dating her. And she was crying. I could not help but remain the incredibly insensitive person that I am, telling her that she absolutely crazy and there’s nothing she needs to worry about.

The Youth Suicide Prevention Team came into my class today. It was really bizarre. The roleplay was a bit funny, though, since I am far too critical of the world and could not see why people said that the girl that was acting was good at it. It was a lot of screaming. That was it.

I got home and we went to see I Am Legend. It was a good movie up until this woman started getting all omgz jesus on us. I didn’t know what to expect.

Although, I admit, I loathe going to the theater. Not for the movie itself, of course, but because of the darned previews. I go to the movies to watch one movie because, for the most part, I have some deep moral issue with the other movies that are showing. That’s why I don’t watch the other movies. But, of course, it is a window into our society’s collective consciousness, which scares me to death. The first couple of movies, which are, indeed, Adam Sandler movies, contained tons of racial stereotypes and played off of them. omgz a terrorist wanting to be a hair dresser? A ridiculous story line on top of an absolutely offensive movie! Way to go!

Most of the romantic movies that are showing are elitist, although, that’s incredibly typical of American movies these days. Every character reinforces the stereotype of whatever they are supposed to portray. Not to mention the pre-pubescent humor that occurs within comedies, and how these movies are directed towards men. The plotlines within American movies have no depth at all, my father actually said today that I was looking into the movie too much and that he “only goes to see a movie for the sake of seeing a movie.” Somehow, I don’t think a director would waste millions of dollars producing a film without having some sort of intent behind it, if it weren’t a comedy.

Clearly, the MPAA is trying to make Americans stupider.  They regulate the kinds of movies we are allowed to see in theaters- if a movie does not have a rating from the MPAA, it is not allowed to be shown anywhere in theaters. It can be the most intellectually stimulating stuff you can find, but if it has one too many boobs showing or too many curse words, then it’s kicked out of the arena. You’d be surprised how meaningful a scene like that can be to the overall experience of seeing the movie and taking something from it.* So, instead of seeing a meaningful movie that could, perhaps, change your view on life, the MPAA decides to show you a film that is primarily filled with perverse comments, racial/homophobic slurs, and absolutely immature humor, all in the name of fun, of course.

*I’m not being sarcastic. kthx, Heather, for your suggestion, haha.

You see, everything’s gone wrong.

… Open promise on display, disconnected family, without this, would there be reason to celebrate?

I guess you did something weird that turned me off incredibly. I think I just got over something.  Maybe.

So, can one honestly judge another person’s actions and receive an accurate assumption? The way I see it- the way a person acts is completely circumstantial, therefore, their actions should not be regarded as some sort of Freudian phenomenon. People’s actions aren’t really thought out, necessarily, especially when it’s during a verbal conversation.

… Decidedly, the argument I had with myself was becoming very psychodynamic, so I stopped myself, kthx.

I talked to this girl named Mallorie from my AP Psychology class. She’s relatively antisocial until you talk to her. I got into a pretty great conversation with her about religion, somehow. She completely ranted on me. This senior who hardly speaks at all was throwing out biblical allusions, curse words, and like’s all over the place. But anyways-  this is the first time in a long time that I’ve spoken to someone about religion without getting angry at their arguments. Except, most of the things she said were really typical of Christians to say. But she said, “I love God, I love Jesus, mostly because I know that Jesus loves me back.” and it didn’t make me cringe. That’s a start.

… Not to mention, she’s really hot.

There’s this girl who has science with me. She’s an absolute bimbo, and she flaunts that fact. Nobody respects her. You could say anything to her, and she could say anything to you, and that exchange would be absolutely transparent.

I listened to my old CDs from sixth, seventh, and eighth grade this morning. Man, the nostalgia was so thick, you could’ve commercialized it. I haven’t listened to Taking Back Sunday in years and all I could say was… Wow. I felt so much emotion listening to it again, seeing as all of those painful memories came back. So much scene, man. Oh, and the Simple Plan, too. That was just bizarre, seeing as I haven’t thought about elementary school since I went there. Four years ago.

And even though I’m not as cool as Han, I still want to be your man. Princess Leia, where are you tonight?

- Gosh, Blink was so great.

… I’m so freaking young and my intellect does not match my age at all. Jeebus, why can’t I just graduate today and talk to people that are actually smart?

This isn’t just goodbye

… “This is, “I can’t stand you.” A thousand faces we’ll choose to ignore. Curse our enemies forever. Let’s slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful. This desperation is leaving me overjoyed, with fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy. I listen to you cry, a cry for less attention, but both my hands are tied, and I’m pushed into the deep end. I listen to you talk, but talk is cheap, and my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak. So search for an excuse and someone to believe you. In foreign dressing rooms, I’m empty with the need to curse my enemies forever.”

Gosh. I may be cute, intelligent, “am**ing,”quirky, and clever. But that won’t get me anywhere with you. I’ll never get anywhere with you.

Man, I’m going to spend this entire weekend knitting. I was knitting in class today, and Niles, being the elitist that he is, decided to state, “hey, isn’t knitting for old women?” Dear, god. Someday, his homophobic jokes, along with his chauvinistic remarks, are going to land him in some trouble, I tell you. My anger was almost distinguishable, but I managed to remain somewhat homeostatic until he left.

I accidentally thought that our test in math was on Monday instead of today, as did most of our class. But I was the only person to inform Logan this false idea. Er, yeah. So I apologized, but I’ve done this so many times before to him that he really shouldn’t trust me.

Randy’s too nice to me. He’s always trying to make me feel better about whatever. He showers me with compliments. I tend to inform him about whatever angsty circumstance I am put in. Quite honestly, the fact that I experience such angsty emotions and have dramatic situations is something that I loathe about myself. I feel the need to be more mature than the average teenager, and yet somehow, I end up in these stupid and melodramatic situations. Randy was quick to point out that I’m not a stressful person to have around and that even if I’m in certain situations like that, everyone experiences those (which is the very reason why I try to avoid them, but anyways.) and even if I don’t like them, at least I didn’t induce them upon myself. Even if Randy’s not academically smart, he seems to understand people. I just wish that he were more opinionated, and not so much of a people-pleaser. I’ve heard him say plenty of times that if I were to have liked a certain person, he would not have stated his disdain for that person. You never know whether he likes you or not. At least with someone like Mary, you know where you stand with her.

This place is void of all passion

… “if you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort, I wrote a reminder- this wasn’t a vision. This time, where are you, houston? Is somebody out there, will somebody listen? Should I go back? I feel alone and tired. I hope I won’t forget you.”

I finally got up the balls to initiate AmandaMorning with Logan. After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that he is not a morning person. AmandaMorning was dramatically cut short with him because he had to do his chapter review upstairs or something. Thankfully, though, since our conversation was mostly about how we don’t have anything to talk about, with an overwhelmingly jaded tone. And about golfing. I actually told him about that book that I saw that I was going to get him. He said it was a good thing that I didn’t get it for him. An elaboration of that statement would have been nice, but I did not receive one. I guess I’m not much of a morning person, either, but I do a great job at acting like I am!

On the way back to the cafeteria, I saw this homie that I felt some sort of attraction to. His name is Christian. I went to elementary school with him.

Me: “So, Christian, how are you? How are things? How have the last four years been for you?”

Christian: “Pretty fun… Not. I attempted to commit suicide plenty of times.”

The first sentence turned me off, mostly because the last word was dramatically postponed. I thought he had ended his sentence and was about to speak. On his very poignant statement, uh, was he trying to end the conversation? The rest of the morning, we were in search of his friends. Well, he was in search of his friends. I’m trying really hard to not interpret that act as one to get me to go away. We went around in circles and I managed to ask him which religion/belief system he associates himself with. He said none. But he isn’t atheistic. I was hoping he was, though. I won’t go so far as to call him a superstitious idiot, but I’m a bit bummed out.

… But I was still really attracted to him, so we hugged before I left.

Despite my overwhelming sense of confidence, after this very hormonal morning, I was shaking. Yeah, I was really nervous.

I wonder, if I should do this on Monday. I don’t think people appreciate being coerced into spending time with another person, especially when it’s someone who is a very poor conversationalist. Obviously, there are people to meet and things to do within that hour before school starts. But gosh- it could get good, somehow?

I am astonished by my absolute confidence when it came to striking up AmandaMorning, though. I hadn’t thought about it all that much, so I just went up to either guy and made them spend time with me. No contemplation, no hesitation. Not bad, given my track record. Hmm. No wonder people think of me as an only child when they first meet me- I’m a bit selfish, no?

But whatever. I have tons of things to justify it. The spice of life is to keep surprising yourself. I’m the only person who can make things happen in my life. I need to talk to new people, anyways. And, it strengthens my reputation of randomly appearing and disappearing within peoples’ lives. Thank you.