“That’s so gay.”

Yeah. I’m in a mood today.

A few days ago, I overheard a conversation involving some friends from a few years ago. That was k. Up until they affectionately referred to “those weird girls” and how they were dating. They’ve used this instance as a reason to isolate them for years now.

I am disgusted, how people use that as a personal attack and believe that it serves as reasonable grounds to dislike someone. It makes me so angry. People use “gay,” as a derogatory term, but they don’t even know what that means, where originates, or how offensive it really is. “Homophobic,” has finally earned its stigma, but using “gay,” as a derogatory term has not.

To clear it up, using “gay,” as a derogatory term implies that being anything but heterosexual is wrong and is something to be ashamed of. The usage of this term further affirms the religious ideology that being attracted to the same sex is wrong, sinful, and disgusting.

They don’t realize how much of a product of society they are.

I couldn’t sleep last night. R.Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet was on, so I watched it…

And. I. Just. Couldn’t. Stop.

It was very intriguing, although, he had to use the word, “midgit,” to make the verse rhyme, and so for the remainder of the episode it was talking about this woman who was cheating on her husband with a midgit. And who was pregnant with the midget’s baby. And every time there was a transition between plots, I exclaimed, “rofl!” or, “lol.” or, “roflcopter.” because the cliffhangers were so ridiculous. And when I managed to fall back asleep, the tune was stuck in my head. Yeah.

And I’d do it again!

I held off going to the bathroom for the entirety of an hour and thirty minutes, because I didn’t want to miss anything. It’s terrible. But I enjoyed it.

And I don’t really know what I think of it exactly. I was surprised that I wasn’t too annoyed by the constant singing. I was also surprised that hearing R. Kelly make his voice deeper or higher to imply different characters didn’t annoy me, either. Perhaps I was too interested in the plotline.

Here is the plotline of what happened in the part that I watched. I don’t remember any names, but like in math, I’ll separate the subject-nouns with the adjectives that are modifying it to make it easier to understand, that is, if you read it all the way. You find a theme of cheating alot here and it gets a bit boring sometimes, but whatever. Quite honestly, I’m surprised I remember so much of it.

This dude cheated on his wife with a woman he met at a club.  The woman ended up being married to a pastor. This woman’s husband came home while the dude was at her house, and the woman made him hide in a closet. So, this is the first time the “trapped in the closet” thing happened. (The man the woman is married to) is a pastor, who is also cheating on his wife with a gay man. Then the first dude decides to go home, but when he calls his wife a man answers the phone. Immediately, the dude decides his wife is cheating on him, and goes home angry. He is in such a hurry that he gets a speeding ticket for it, but when he finally gets home, he realizes that his wife is alone and that everything is fine. The wife’s brother just got out of jail and was home. But no! The wife was cheating on him with the policeman that ticketed the dude earlier! But they forgive each other and start having fun and laughing about everything that happened UNTIL! the policeman comes in and thinks the dude is trying to murder his wife, and the dude is at gunpoint with the policeman! And then they get in a fight and they accidentally shoot the wife’s brother! And he just got out of jail and was going to turn his life around! But in the end everything’s k with him because he knew how to fix it so whatev.

Later, we find out the dude’s wife and (the woman that the dude was cheating with) are friends, haha. And we find out that the dude was paid to cheat with the woman because the woman wanted to end the relationship with her husband. And the policeman was also cheating on his wife, and his wife was also cheating on him… With a midgit. Who was hiding in a closet. That’s when I exclaimed, “roflcopter.” :3

… Jeez, there was tons more that happened, but uh, it really sucks having to write it out because I don’t know their names.

From a literary standpoint (yeah, music can be a form of literature) I do like the reoccurring theme of being trapped in a closet, though. The building of suspense was great. I enjoyed the plotline, because everything mixed together. It reminded me of the way Charles Dickens’ had set up his plots. The reoccurring theme of cheating, though, became very tedious and I wanted something else to happen. Hah, and the midgit part made me laugh alot, although, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh at it.

Sometimes when he couldn’t get it to rhyme, he would just carry on the note for a few seconds and continue. Or he would force the rhyme, which annoyed me. I forgive him for that, though, I realize how hard it is to rhyme for an entire hour and a half. I also loved that if within the story, people would be fighting (even if this doesn’t happen all the time) he would layer his voices and make it sound like an argument. It really made me understand the confusion with which the protagonist was feeling.

The concept itself is an original one, but I don’t know if this is something I want to become common.  I appreciate the originality of it, and from an inspirational standpoint, it’s cool that he used this as a way to spark his creativity.

… I really do not know what else to say about it, haha.

Just like you, only sweeter.

Today was one of the best days that I’ve had for a long time. I talked to Cody before sixth period (Er, yeah. I’ve been mentioning him pretty anonymously lately, but whatever.); I got an A on my essay final!!! Uh, I suppose that’s the extent of happiness that occurred within my day, but whatever. It was good enough for me.

After school as I was going to Knowledge Bowl, I talked to Kat from Spanish class. It was surprising how she had the idea of how I am “smart in Spanish.” She’s really cute, haha. I didn’t really understand how she got that message, since I hardly ever speak within that class and when I do, I sound pretty stupid. And it’s not like I judge the merits of my classmates by the answers they give in class. That’s the only place she could have based her judgment from because I never, ever speak to her. I was surprised she even recognized me as we were walking up the stairs together. It’s not like I don’t want to speak to her, the opportunity has never come up.

As much as I hate to admit it, Knowledge Bowl makes me feel extraordinarily inadequate. It shouldn’t. For one thing, this is supposed to be for fun, but somehow it turns into a who-has-a-larger-nerdy-penis competition, if you get my drift. Another thing is that the knowledge that is exhibited during the practices and competitions are not a reflection of how smart I am; basically, whether one knows the answer to a question or not is a matter of probability.

It turns out that my cumulative GPA is substantially lower than I had expected it to be. It’s not terribly offensive; it’s a 3.3, but I thought I had a 3.8. Yeah.

Uh, yeah. Thankfully I have a few classes I can jump start because of the As I received. I just don’t know how much that will bring my GPA up. Man, I guess I didn’t understand the system as well as I thought I did.

WE HAVE ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP IN IT.

Even if it still tastes way too acidic or whatever- there’s pulp. And that’s the only reason why I drink it. Except it makes me use the bathroom *cough*pee*cough* during the day, which is strange because it means that I have to go into the bathroom. It’s just so awkward when you’re washing your hands and you hear someone peeing and they come out of the bathroom AND YOU KNOW THEM. laskjdfl;askjdflskjdf

My new alarm clock eats away at my soul. It’s out to get me- I swear it. I woke up this morning and I was debating with myself whether I should go back to sleep or not and I told myself, “Well, I have another hour, whatever,” (In case you didn’t know, I put my alarm clock in my dresser drawer so it wouldn’t make my brain explode as it rang) and I turned over and fell asleep. Right away, the bell started ringing, and I forgot to put it in the drawer last night and it absolutely broke my heart, dude. That was absolutely terrifying.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!

It hurts because it should.

… “How else am I to make it clear? I could never be the one that you want, don’t ask. Well, here’s to living in the moment because it passed. Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes. You told the most and best of anyone. You said to “keep me in your pocket,” so I carried you. You’d better choose your words carefully because I’m not your anything. Gonna stay here in my place, and you stay in yours, because your only good is what you’re good for. I pace around the room to spend the time waiting while the burning pictures fade. One thing to make your mind and another to say it’s name.”

Gosh, Chase This Light is pretty good so far. “Carry You” is up there with “Open Bar Reception,” definitely.

I finished one present today, which is great. I’m almost done with another; I have another one to begin. It’s quite stressful.

I watched “Tadpole” last night. It wasn’t as weird of a movie as I had expected for it to be. Throughout the movie, they showed quotes. My favorite one was at the end, which was something like, “If we don’t find something pleasant, at least we’ll find something new.” Decidedly, it made me feel alot better.

… And, after all, it really is over since apparently nothing is left. It just really sucks since I spent the past three months with you, and exclusively you, extracurricularly. Thank you.

Dear god, I can’t believe I just pressed Enter. These next couple of minutes are going to be pretty terrible. I hate instant messaging, and yet I continue to have it installed on my computer.

Dear god, it’s Halloween.

I’ll be the first person to say that modern-day Halloween practices are incredibly vain. When Halloween originated, it had merit. Nowadays, it’s just another day to… Dress differently? Oh, and receive candy. But that’s a bit pointless, too, because you can do that any other day around here. Oh, and it’s not free.

I’m sick of the bends.

… “I can’t compete with all your damn ideas. I suffocate until the end. She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside.”

Debbie’s so amazing. She really does not give herself enough credit for it. Admittedly, she does have flaws, she’s not that super-human, but she’s still really great. I felt terrible earlier today, but then I realized that I’d be seeing Debbie after school and it made me happier!

… Jeebus, we were falling all over the place today. :D It was memorable, indeed. Even if it totally proves that Debbie hates being my partner (because she dropped me… D:)

laskjflsdjf he smiled at me omgz. *roll eyes* Darn it, amygdala!

I watched the newest adaptation of Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke played as Pip some dude named Finnegan? I hate it when they change the names of the people in the movie. If you want to base it off the movie, at least make it recognizable other than the title. All-in-all, it was a nice movie. A wonderful modern interpretation of the book, although I wish they emphasized Miss Havisham’s Ms. Dinsmoor’s role on Pip’s Finnegan’s life. (Jeebus, using these new names is terrible.) They absolutely cut out the whole Estella-being-abused-by-her-husband (and him dying because his horse hated him) thing, as well as her birth parents, AND Pip’s birth parents… alskjdfoiwjer They cut out the elaborate parts of the book, and kept the more shallow sexual scenes. That, I disliked. I valued Great Expectations because of its intricacy, it’s what kept me interested. So much so, that three years after reading it, I remember! Even if it was a decent movie, I really think it could’ve been better.

Riza’s birthday is next week and I have to make her a present. D:

I’m going to that diversity thing next Friday. We have to be at school at six thirty, and we get at our destination at eight! It’s really far away, but they’re serving us breakfast so it’s okay? AND lunch? I’m getting back home at around four, haha. School ends two hours earlier than that/I can’t go to swing club. D: Hopefully, I will be able to go; only nine students are allowed to go on the field trip.

Psychology has been very stressful, seeing as the chapters are getting longer and more boring than I had originally expected. Don’t get me wrong, a job in this field would be wonderful- my interest in this subject is not as typical as one would expect from a teenager (omgz, I’m so special, I like psychology! Who wouldn’t be interested in psychology?! Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe would find it interesting.) because, as you can tell- I love science! I just feel that the way this course is set up this book sucks. I’ve read better textbooks from the thrift store. From the sixties. Yah.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about social psychology. There’s this principle called diffusion of responsibility, or something, which describes a scenario in which a person is less likely to react to a situation if there are more people around. One person thinks that someone else will do something effective, so they do not do anything to solve a circumstance. Sadly, everyone else in the room is thinking the exact same thing, so nothing is done. This usually happens when one person is in need of something or badly hurt, unfortunately.

… I was just thinking about it because in my classes, the teachers tell really corny jokes. I feel bad for the teacher because they chuckle at themselves and the class does not react at all. Because of the whole diffusion thing, I actually react because I know nobody else will. The same thing applies when the teacher asks the class a question and expects for them to answer, and nobody does. So, decidedly, I’m the loudest person in my classes.

The devil collects it, and with a grin

… “I love in a ball of yarn. When you are away, my heart comes undone, slowly unravels, in a ball of yarn.”

Geez, that song is so definitive of, well, that. I’ve decided to get over this. I won’t actively think about him. To think that he would come around, someday, is a delusion. I don’t believe in delusions. And of course, the second I decide this, he gave me so much attention, I started crying. I told myself that if he talks to me today, then I shouldn’t give up on him. But to do that is ridiculous, since chance does not establish connotation, so even if I told myself that to feel better, it obviously did not work.

School has been okay. I’ve been getting tons of exercise. I haven’t really made any new friends, I don’t think. I kind of did, there’s this girl that had spanish with me last year and I thought she was a total bimbo. She’s not that smart, really, but she has standards, which I like.

I ride the bus home now. In effect, I’ve been talking to Kate quite a bit. I would like her, but she’s overly suicidal, and I don’t really dig that. Amelia, on the other hand…

I don’t like my math class at all. The people in it are nice, but the teacher is stupid, and the textbook is actually stupider. I really want to get out of this class but mom and dad will not let me. The textbook is so insulting, you have no clue. We do everything in groups. We do “investigations” everyday. I also love what happened today, which perfectly describes the situation:

*on probability*

some dude: “Does it tell us how to do it in the book?”

my teacher: “Actually, no. Our textbooks aren’t <i>reference</i> books. If you want to learn how to do it, I suggest looking it up on the internet, mathwizard is a great place to start.”

Really. I also love how my teacher didn’t even try to explain it to him. I couldn’t believe it- at first, I thought it was just the book that was bad, but no, the teacher is almost as bad because she doesn’t even try to remedy the problem. Needless to say, all respect for her outside of the required academic perspective, is gone.

I’m so tired of my mood.

I can’t stand being around Mary lately. She hurts my feelings! I’m not sure if she is doing it on purpose or not. I absolutely dislike how condescending she can be towards me. Condescension of any sort gets me frustrated.

Ah. Right now, I feel like everybody and their mothers just couldn’t care less about me. Gosh, I need those birth control pills now, because I can’t stand how I cannot control my emotions at all.

I saw Adrian Underwood at least five times this week. I should punch him as I walk by so he’d pay attention to me. I don’t particularly remember any conversation we had when he was around, but I do remember that I dug him alot.

I need somebody around right now, I just don’t want to admit it, because I should be totally over it already.

Oh, how to let a muggle down.

… I suck at saying no to people who want me to sew them stuff. djfkjskdfj So now I’m stuck sewing something for somebody. Greeeeat.

But anyways. I watched Less Than Zero last night because I obviously couldn’t fall asleep. It was a very depressing movie to watch, seeing as the main character is this dude who is trying to take care of this druggie, who happens to be his best friend. His friend is stoned for half the movie, and then he finally decides to clean things up, and then he dies. I really wish I could see him outside of the context of being a druggie, you know? Inevitably, I cried at the end of the movie, but it wasn’t out of love for the character necessarily, it was out of love for his best friends and how frustrated they must feel.

(lsjdfkljsdf Andrew McCarthy, ftw. :D)

If this is worth your while, then you’re making me smile

… “If S-I-L-Y-M-I still is all you want, then I’m not sure how much in common we’ve got‘”

That lyric is so amazing. I love them so much more than I had even dreamed. Cue, the list because today has been so f***ing amazing.

• I now own Directions by The Starting Line (I’m part of an elite squad, no?) F*** yeah. I screamed when I got it. And then I started running around downstairs. I’m still pretty psyched about it. The record is so f***ing spectacular and is everything I imagined and more! I am so utterly awestruck. They can have my babies now. NOW. “Hurry”, “Somebody’s Gonna Miss Us” (totally called it) and “Need To Love” are great. “Hurry” is really great, though, and this whole record has some staying power for the next seven months, really.
• Four Year Strong’s new record  Rise or Die Trying is coming out on September 18th.
• Nightmare of You is coming out with a new EP later on this year… Yesssss.

So, my mother decided it was punishment enough keeping me from going to Lorren’s thing, so she let me go to Laurie’s because Laurie’s thing started later. Let me tell you something: when you spend 956384 hours freaking out over your hair and clothes and what have you, you begin to comprehend the extent of loneliness you have been feeling for the past two weeks. And then you realize how pathetic your life must be without school.

… And when your best friend’s brother starts to compete with the neighbors across the water over fireworks, you realize how asinine the celebration of the fourth of July is.

… And then when you realize that you are inexplicably regaled by random colorful flashes in the sky, you realize that everybody SHOULD take the human psyche for granted.

AH! You can use emoticons to imply I Am The Walrus?! Yesssss. (:3= YES! Whoever made that up can have my babies.

Hmm. After much consideration, I believe I should have lived during the nineties. Imagine! The beginning of the internet… Cool Napster.. Imaginary e-mail viruses… How exciting! But then again, tons of terrible things happened (I’m not in the mood for listing once more.)

… Oh, this new record is so awesome.

“It’s not that interesting, but I’ll keep it a secret, so I’ll have something left to give!”

I’ll miss you when you’re just like them

… “I remember back then thinking easy comes but doesn’t stay, what comes easy never stays. But the politics need means and business never leaves, you better sing now while you can.”

You know, I’m not easily frightened. I can stand snakes, I can stand closed spaces, I can even stand heights. I’m not allergic to anything I know of right now, and I have nearly perfect vision. But I cannot, for the life of me, stand spiders.

Yeah. You get the point. Freaking ridiculous things. And really, I do not understand why I dislike spiders so much. Spiders that roam around the house are harmless. Maybe my ancestors encountered spiders alot and had to evolve to fear them to keep their genes thriving, I don’t know. Mexicans deal with spiders alot. But they deal with cockroaches alot, too, and I’m not that afraid of them… They are just a little spooky-looking, though.

… And that spider moves at lightning speed, I tell you. It moved a good two yards in like twenty minutes.

Oh, and by the way… I think I should format my blog in such a way that it is easier to read. Rather than it being one huge blog entry, I’m going to break it up by headlines, so to speak.

Time for an Amanda atheism rant on the bible and its prophetic roots:

I was watching this show on television this morning about biblical prophecies and codes within the bible. What can I say? I screamed at the television. Apparently, if you use computers to decipher the codes inside the bible, it’ll give you readings of the future that the bible otherwise, does not address. So, they set up the bible as a matrix and try to find certain phrases that foretell the future. The letters are equidistant, so for example: they would set the computer to pick out a letter after every ten letters. For this example, I will use Chapter 23 from Moby Dick, because 23 is my favorite number and this is my example:

When on that shivering winter’s night, the Pequod thrust her vindictive bows into the cold malicious waves, who should I see standing at her helm but Bulkington! I looked with sympathetic awe and fearfulness upon the man, who in mid-winter just landed from a four years’ dangerous voyage, could so unrestingly push off again for still another tempestuous term. The land seemed scorching to his feet. Wonderfullest things are ever the unmentionable; deep memories yield no epitaphs; this six-inch chapter is the stoneless grave of Bulkington.

And what did I get?

twiqhioaoarlIhidsadsraocesfos. eleuhnmeaipovg!

And if you turn to an anagram solver, this results:

a paradigmatical overfleshed heinous his iq woo so

See how pointless it is? Yeah. But you can confabulate this as much as you like, and receive a comprehensible answer.

… Another thing I realized was, all of the examples they used, only seemed to pertain to America. If God really did this whole prophecy thing, he would not centralize his thoughts around America. Another reason why this is the best case of confirmation bias.

Amanda rant on things pertaining to America, globalization, and immigration:

A few months ago, we were in California visiting my sick aunt. As we were there, CNN was reporting on the immigration rights protest, in which people did not go to work or go to school, to show how important our labor is to the well-being of America’s economy. My grandma’s sister’s daughter (I wonder what the term is for that.) had to leave work very early, seeing as she works at a newspaper, so she could beat the crowds because the protest started at ten or eleven.

I think Bush should grant amnesty to the illegal immigrants, because I see no fault in them being here in the first place. No, they may not pay taxes, but they benefit the economy even moreso than the other ethnic groups do, so it works out. All the illegal immigrants do the jobs white people don’t want to do. They do jobs that even black people don’t want to do.

The other thing that gets me so angry is that this is a result of NAFTA- if NAFTA were never signed, the immigration “problem” not be as intense as it is now. NAFTA was supposed to make their lives better; all it did was destroy their jobs, which made the trip over to the United States even more necessary.

Another thing that also makes me angry is… When are humans going to get past things like this? We need to get past this us-against-them complex, because who is to say that this will not happen with other countries as well? Is the relationship between the United States and Mexico going to evolve into one similar to Israel and Palestine?

The bottom line is- we aren’t hurting anybody, or at least, not any more than the other nationalities.

Adventures of the internet:
So, yeah. I’m going to document my travels as a web-troller. Enjoy.
39 Ways To Live and Not Merely Exist.
My favorite part is:

Pull away from Internet. You’re reading something on the Internet right now. And, with the exception of this article, it is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.

Just don’t forget to think about me and I won’t forget you

… “I’ll write you once a week she said. Why does it feel the same to fall in love and break it off? And if young love is just a game then I must’ve missed the kickoff. Don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything but I’d go through hell for you and, I haven’t been this scared in a long time, and I’m so unprepared, so here’s your valentine, bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody, this world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me!”

*sigh* Oh, blink… =(

I was on myspace today. A bit weird. People look at me funny whenever I’m on the website. But I commented people. But it’s not like I comment people I am actually really close to. It’s just like the whole thing with Christmas cards. But you’ve read my commentary of Christmas cards already =D

Top Ten Things Amanda is Currently in Love With:

1. The Format. The whole thing they have been doing lately is rad beyond words.
2. Uh. Certain awesome people =D
3. Myself. Because the more time I spend by myself, the more I realize how f***ing amazing I am. /narcissism
4. Summer. Just because it helps me break that habit in which I constantly question myself, period by period, as to which assignment is due the next day.
5. Solipsistic blogs like these, in which I can write whatever I want.
6. Awesome people at SciAm, because they just put up their magazine for free to download as well.
7. The Starting Line. Because now that I preordered their record, I am *this* much closer at owning it. *sigh*

Okay. So that was seven. But that does not rhyme.
The Earth Without Humans timeline. Be interested. And watch the video while you’re at it. And yeah, I totally laughed at the computer-simulated dude. I didn’t see it coming and started laughing. Really hard. Because I am that lame. Some dude commented this, and I’m not sure what to think of it:

“Although the intent is good, I am not in agreement with this film at all. I am horrifically worried that under pandemic, severe economic collapse, lengthy mass blackouts and so on, that hundreds of Nuclear Power reactors (both civilian and naval) would go unattended leaving to a melt down and raging fires that would (unlike Chernobyl) rage out of controle for years without anyone to put them out. All chemical storage facilities, tanker ships, pipelines, and oil wells under pressure would all probably kill EVERY LIVING THING on the planet with such toxic waste. You talk about plants growing and steel rusting, Um… there are far more serious consequences which can actually happen in pandemic situation. That is one reason I don’t believe in nuclear power. After the collapse of Russia their naval ships and storage facilities just sat unattended and became horrifically radioactive.”

So. Amanda’s pseudo-intellectual ramblings involving the universe and stuff:

• Actually, I have this theory of how the universe came into existence. (But then again, thanks to Freud… Somebody else has probably thought of this before. But whatever. I’m committing this to memory.) I was watching this show about certainty and quantum mechanics came up and they said that atoms come in and out of existence without cause. So, if the atoms came into existence, then, there you go, my fellow theists.
• I may not even know how the earth came into existence, but I am very sure there will be an end.
• I am so tired of theists acting like they know what they are talking about. The Book of Revelation was a critique of Nero’s empire. Nero was, indeed, the sixth emperor of Rome. The gematria value of 666 translates to Nero. It is so stupid how people believe that 666 is really an unlucky number.
• I doubt that humans will be completely extinct, though. Just because there are far too many of us. And, you know… Bomb shelters, dude.

I post too often. Maybe I should go out and buy some puzzles or something.

The less you believe

… The smarter you are.

I went to the movies today with Riza, Cody, Trish, Amelia, Cameron, Courtney, Angela, and some dude named Josh. No, not that one. Or that one. It was fun.

We then went to the mall to buy Riza a dress for her pageant. She didn’t find one. She went to Benita’s. Didn’t find one. We also went to some lady’s house/the hospital to get raffle tickets. We dropped cody off. His house is by the waterfront and is pretty.

I have been so moved (if that is the right word) by Spiderman 3, I have decided to write a review. Enjoy. Spiderman 3 is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, and I feel I have wasted my life. From walking on bar tables to sappy break-up scenes to having a parade dedicated to Spiderman, I am convinced the people who made this movie are, indeed, on drugs. The movie was incredibly typical. I managed to correctly complete three sentences while watching the movie, it was so typical (”Who are you?” “I don’t know.”) I could not get past the fact that sand cannot possibly mimic the function of the human brain, so I could not enjoy the supposed “greatness” of Sandman.

The only good part was that Harry forgave the dude. And that the dude from That 70s Show was in it. Oh, and did I mention how shallow Mary Jane was in this movie? I could have slapped her. My broadway show this, “You don’t care about me!” that, “omgz i cant sing!!111″ oh, dear. And did I mention the dude praying in church in the movie, asking God to kill spiderman? I laughed. Not only is he that smart to look to God out of superstition, but he asks him to kill him? Idiot. I admit, it was funny at certain parts. But the serious parts were the funniest. So, what does that say about the movie? Any person who thinks that movie is epic or even good, I will label them as stupid, and be on my way. The effects were terrible.

Mary Jane was even lip-synching. Oh, and when spiderman was in a crowd, all the women in the crowd had their cleavage showing. ALL of them. The movie ended the same as the first and second movie, with a funeral. This movie was absolutely ridiculous. I will never watch it again. Ever. But will that stop me from seeing the fourth one? Definitely.

Please don’t look at me with those eyes

… “Please don’t hint that you’re capable of lies.”

Oh, wow, I have not listened to that song in forever. Mostly because it is a radio single and everybody knows it.. *shudder*

Today was not that bad, but I came home and felt exhausted. I do not know why in particular, but every day that passes makes me more and more exhausted. The sad thing is, I’ve hardly had homework for days. I realized that it is getting so much warmer. I actually fulfilled the first part of the compound word “sweatshirt” while wearing it. Hmm. What’s pretty bad is that I believe my parents will taser me if I go near my sewing machine (bonus round of my punishment.) so, I cannot make anything new. I could wear my skirts from last year. If only my legs were not as lily-white.

I love F. Scott Fitzgerald. The way he writes so cleverly.. Oh! Sure, I can write cleverly on occasion (it helps my wonderful cynicism/sarcasm) but he can pull it off a hundred percent of the time. I should post some quotes on here, because he writes spectacularly. I feel more or less, pitiful.

At lunch, third period PE was walking by and he was too… For one reason or another, I tell Lorren whatever is on my mind without any remorse. So I told her. If I were to type what was said, I would be pretty darned embarrassed, so I’ll stop here.

Cody is such a d****, really. You know what he told me?

“You hate mainstream music because people like it.”

I could have kicked him in the crotch. I hate it when people say that. How can he possibly know that?! He only thinks that because Riza told him. Sure, I love Riza, but I f****** hate it when she says things like that. She only says that because Katie Klions said that. I dislike her for that reason. Oh, the possibilities.

1. I like bands that other people like. Of course bands have more than one fan, idiot.

2. According to your statement, the bands that I do like are not mainstream, and in order to make it so, I would not want other people to like the bands I like. If I did not want other people to like the bands that I like, then why did I give Riza that mixtape for Christmas? Or Allie for her birthday?

3. You are an idiot to induce that idea from one example. A poor one at that. No, I don’t like P!ATD. You know why? Because they suck. No, I do not like My Chemical Romance. You know why? I hate it when people scream at me for no reason. No, I do not like Fall Out Boy. You know why? Because they are way too overhyped and quite honestly, they are not that great. Suck it.

4. I do like some mainstream bands. I like Blink. I have never denied that. I like Motion City. I have never denied that, either. I like Jack’s. There.

5. Go die.

We’ll hide indoors, petrified of the world

… “And if it feels like your heart’s dried up, I can relate to that.”

We went to McChord today. Uh, yeah.

I’m trying to find ways to enrich my life. I know this sounds really cliche/stupid/what have you, but I think I need some kind of simplification. I feel happy already, I’m just trying to see how far I can go.

The WASL was very annoying but I got it over with. The Science WASL was the only part that I found thoroughly difficult because there was tons of things I didn’t know (this IS the tenth grade WASL.) but I have always felt this way after taking the science WASL and I have managed to be above average every time. Next week I will have study periods and, from what I hear, there will be little to nothing to do during this time. Teagan and Daniella bought coloring books just for study hall- this gave me a pretty good idea as to what study hall is going to be like. I have hardly had any study halls because I have been testing, so I’ll see how it goes.

And my dear object of my affections.. This is getting worse, already. If he but knew. … And I think he’s starting to like me. Uh. Okay, I’m very sure he likes me. Is it wrong to go a completely different route to get to the car (that saves no time whatsoever) in order to avoid him? If only I were this lucky to have captured the heart of the boy that I truly desire, this quickly.

The universe > Me.

I’m grounded from cooking. Considering the fact that my mother does not provide me food and I am forced to provide food for myself, I think I’m going to starve to death. So one can logically deduce that my punishment from not doing AR is starvation. Thanks.

Dear god, there’s a whole thread about BN’s show in Austin last night. It’s pathetic. despite the fact that Jesse could have been this rude to their crowd- I couldn’t care less. That’s pretty bad. But here’s my justification- I liked them before TDAGARIM. So, there.

Even worse- people use the term “lol-apalooza” as internet slang. Yeah, that made me laugh, too. What’s even better is: - roflcopter - roflcalypse - roflgator There are more. Lots more. I’ll keep you updated as I encounter such things.

Oooh! And you know what’s rad? Be amazed. GAH! Ikea! Have my babies! But anyways, on a more professional note…

Dear you:

It’s terrible how we know each other this well and yet I can hardly remember your face. Or even your voice, which was so familiar a few years ago. And we cling to each other like best friends do, making it so apparent to the world, and even though we never have such difficulties lately, or even in a long while, I can’t help but feel *just a little* far away from you, while I speak to you about such close things. And can you tell that I lied when I said I will ignore him? You know me that well and have seen me in such circumstances so many times before that I couldn’t imagine how you can let it pass without question.

But what can you expect when we hang out with two different stereotypes? And when people can hardly believe or expect our claim of favoritism? And when we may be in the same room but the magnets repel and we attend to other people? And I am very aware that your clock runs faster than mine. It always has. And I know you have made attempts to welcome me into your ambition and on the way, help me get considered by those who determine. And I suppose this friendship stands out because of how it has progressed to such high status in this short of a time. We hardly even knew each other, and a month later we selected each other as “the best”.

But we went through alot together within that month, and very soon after, with such fighting that teenage girls ensue. Those months in which the silence was magnified because of the people we were surrounded with… Were very difficult. For me, because it seemed like you didn’t care. So I tried to look like I didn’t care. I was halfway out of my mind because I wasn’t aware of the label I would be given just a few months later. We managed to get through it. I cannot imagine how different my life would be now if we hadn’t resumed. The movie of my life, the most important part, you’ve seen.

And although me and her have been friends longer, she has never seen me in the different aspects that you have. You have seen me cry over tragedy. Obsess over a boy that I will never have. And the boy that I did have (though, that was short lived.) You’ve seen me frustrated. You’ve seen me cry over stress. You’ve heard me cry over failure. You’ve even seen me cry out of anticipation and excitement. And when I’m feeling incredibly silly, you were there, too. And when I was emulating the other and becoming such a strange person, relating everything to mythological creatures and every other random thing one can think, you were there, too. You’ve heard my intense sarcasm. And I could guess that you would manage to separate the my two different selves, no? The actress that I become as I am around those I try to impress? And the somewhat real me that only seems to come out when the last bell rings? (End of letter)

You know what else is rad? Atheism blogs. Now I feel like I’m normal. And not living in a world of illogical worshippers. Okay, that was a little offensive. But I’ll have you know, the next time someone says “god-hater”, I will bring that up (along with a flaming plastic spoon. You get a cookie if you understood that inside joke.)

You know what’s even radder? Things that make you giggle. No, I’m not that mean- it’s the part at the bottom with the pictures of the puppies!! Oh, dude, reason number whatever for the whole god thing: (Quote from pharyngula) “So why is it so difficult to stop a man from mutilating his adolescent son’s genitals against his will? Oh, right - because it’s religion. It’s OK if God tells you to do it. “Morality” means an invisible imaginary man in your head gives you permission. Religions have spent millennia confusing ethics with obedience, and this kind of nonsense is the result.”

Could not have said that better myself, PZ Myers. PZ Myers->have my babies! On a more professional note… Atheists are rad. And I’m an atheist. So what does that mean? Yes. I’m rad. Swt.

This is my apology

… “this is my anthology, this is my reason for treason, and she said she’s moving to Ontario, and she said, she said, this is the last time you will be mine.. You’ve got a problem, through all these years, we’re gonna lie, laying together baby, and when you roll with the punches, come along with me, we’re gonna stay together, love, singing, love will be.”

No WASL’d, today. But we do, indeed, have it next week. Uh.

Yeah. I was awake all night last night. No sleep for Amanda. At all. So I watched tons of tv movies (mostly starring B-list actors or that one girl from Full House.) and surprisingly, not ALL channels have paid programming during the nighttime.

I talked to him in first period today. Gosh, I miss him so much. And I separated myself from him, mostly because if I were to make a connection, it wouldn’t be healthy at all for my psyche. I am such an idiot.

I got home and was welcomed by a comment from Trent. He used the acronym “plz”. No. That’s a definite turn off. I had the hugest urge to send him a comment back, like this:

“omgz i m sooooo sry 4 Bing smrtr than U. RLY!1111!!! i prmise 2 b mre careful nxt tme. ill b a lil stned when i do so, but jst soo lng as u undrstnd wut i am saying, u knoe! mi lil bro wus teh 1 who sent u that comment, not meh! luv bbies”

the other ones. And everything else in your life. He means so much more than he will ever know. I want to immerse myself with work. I want to sew because the sun is finally coming out. And the weather is somewhat decent. I really need to be less of a pessimist. Yesterday was Mark Hoppus’ birthday. I love that dude. wow, I’ve managed to update every day this week, I believe. I may as well leave some entertaining things for the few that read my blog.

The Mindhacks blog. It’s been one of my slight obsessions over the world wide webberverse.

Although this is a band that I have been raving about forever, putting the link up might entice more people to get into them.

Come on, it’s free!

Interesting, but filler. It makes my blog look cool.

Aww! Yes, it’s authentic. And I believe, I held that in my hands at the ripe age of eight. I knew she entered a contest, but I didn’t think she really won. O.o

Dopesick couples on the lower east side

… “against the graffiti wall, we know no law at all.”

For example:

if you score an eighty one in sociability, eighty one percent of people are less social than you are, and eighteen percent of people are more social than you are.

1 Helpful (score = 59)

2 Sociable (score = 39)

3 Need for Approval (score = 37)

4 Dependent (score = 49)

5 Tense (score = 31)

6 Rigid (score = 25)

7 Controlling (score = 63)

8 Competitive (score = 28)

9 Conscientious (score = 58)

10 Achieving (score = 3)

11 Innovative (score = 82)

Summary of results Below is a brief summary of your results. If you wish to learn more, click here (or scroll down) to purchase an extensive 15-page report that includes detailed personalized analysis and customized tips for improvement.

* Likes to be the one in control; wants to do things his/her way

* Wants to lead

* Moody; gets angry and irritable

* Sarcastic and cynical

* Impulsive

* Passionate about friendships, values, beliefs

* Friendly but combative; socially inconsistent

* Likes people but does not fully trust them

* Seeks excitement, stimulation, activity; gets bored easily

* Very assertive, expressive, opinionated

* Gets upset and angry easily, quick temper, argumentative

* Strong sense of urgency; in a hurry

* Unusual combination of traits - very possibly will be perceived by others as aggressive and rigid and far less patient and sociable

Uhh. How accurate is this, really? I’m not sure if it is true or not because all of the statements seem rather… General. Don’t they? Who doesn’t want to be in control? I do agree with the “socially inconsistent”. I don’t know if I should, though. Oh, the gray areas. This quiz was from psychology today, so that’s supposed to be reliable.

But realize that all the major news stations that are supposedly reliable, are censored by the government and have other outside influences.

What’s excellent though, is that there are certain tests from psychology today that are “upgradeable”. What does that mean, America? Yes, you have to pay to get an “upgrade”. … And yet another:

Your locus of control appears to be in the mid-range between internal and external orientation. In general, you probably feel that while you can very well control and influence many aspects of your life, there are things that just happen to you and that are outside of your personal control. And I doubt that anybody else besides me really cares. I don’t expect it, but it’s pretty cool being able to write this down somewhere.

… And another nother: What does your score mean? According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement.
/egotism

You’re so high and I’m so down

… “this night’ll end sooner but much sooner now. Though I’m weak inside, I’m thriving just the same, still calling out your name, wondering who it is that I should blame. Stabbing hard and buried consciousness and fear, forgetting others I hold dear.”

And we WASL’d. This is getting really old, so quickly. Tomorrow we have it, and I expected tomorrow to be the day off and Friday to consist of testing. But no. Thanks, Washington Assessment of Student Learning. And I got back to class about halfway through.

Then I went to food science and ate cinnamon buns. They were okay, though a little on the rare side. Then Digitools, where I submit myself to typing tests and nerdy little pre-pubescent boys. Then math, where the drama is immeasurable. Then science, where the drama is just a little bit more. Then home, where I made croissants. They are yummy.

“I would salvage my journal from an untimely death if my home were destined to such a star-crossed fate of being caught on fire. My journal is a microcosm of ideas and concepts that only an angst-filled teenage girl would think about. Though heroically rescuing my journal would not palliate the pain of losing my childhood home, it would certainly keep me entertained, although there are probably other activities that I would prefer.”

That is what I wrote in my WASL testing booklet. And that is only a part of the four-page expository literary masterpiece that I managed to conjure up.

Total WordMaster words: two

Total innuendos that I managed to insert: Three.

You know me, not letting the WASL grading standards from getting in the way of my pride. Me > WASL.

Today was also Mix It Up Day. This is brought to the general school population by the same people who suggested the Martin Luther King assembly, I believe. After two questions, the conversation with a wonderful young lady went like this:

Some girl: “Do you like your school?”

Me: “What kind of a question is that?!”

Some girl: “Just answer, yes or no.”

Me: “Uhh.. Yes. I love my school so much that I gladly participate in Mix It Up Day.”

I think that’s how it went. Memory loss > Me.

We had a conversation today in science that somehow came to elephant mating rituals. I don’t know, either.

Oh, I’m in a great mood today, just like yesterday. I’m tired of this obligation to carry out my evolutionary responsibilities. I wish I could go asexual.

Hmm. I haven’t talked intelligently about music for a while. I watched MTV for the first time in months a few nights ago when I was a slight insomniac. They are playing the same videos that they did the last last time I saw it. Pathetic. Which justifies my MTV boycott to such extraordinary heights.

… And usually I can snap out of it by telling myself, “he’s not that great”. But I can’t. Because he is.

The sunlight’s overwhelming to see

…”which is composed of you and me, in our finest moment. And amazing illusion was made with trick photography, and it seems like you’re really, you’re really.. It feels like you’re really here! I’ll swing from a streetlight, and sing, oh, oh, oh. I’m stuck in the meantime! And we’re oh so, oh so, close!”

We WASL’d today. Which was a waste of time. Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to mock the administrator as he asked us, “Are there any words that you need to know the meaning of before we begin?”…?

Oh, and how is this logical: ” The first rap acts will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame.” Do you realize how the subject and the predicate are exact opposites?!

*omgz angst!*

Oh, god. I’ve become just about the most pathetic person. I mean, why do I keep doing this? I truly sicken myself. And it’s not like I’m desperate. I could get some if I tried. Though with minimal effort, I could be secure in a relationship right now. But gosh, this situation makes me feel so.. Unwanted.

I’m in a horrible, awful angry mood right now so.. I’ll make a list of things that suck.

1. Vending machines.

2. Old people.

3. Young people.

4. Happy people.

5. Stupid people.

6. People who are always on the lookout for mates

7. People who don’t value their own freedom

8. People who claim to love itunes but only use it to buy radio singles.

9. All these stupid songs that everyone is hanging on, oh god.

10. Black clothing because they always get lint on it

11. (insert name here.)

12. infatuation.

That’s a short list. But I’m not really into making that kind of list.

Top ten songs for the slightly melancholic Amanda:

1. No Uniform is Gonna Keep You Warm- Nightmare Of You

2. Classic Jazz- The Starting Line

3. Seventy Times Seven (live)- Brand New

4. Letters To Noelle- Something Corporate

5. Live From The Crime Scene- Four Year Strong

6. Ready Aim Misfire- New Years Day

7. Songs For Her- The Starting Line

8. Playing Favorites- The Starting Line

9. In Between Days- The Cure

10. Second Star To The Left, Go Until Dawn- Copeland

11. Thanks, You’re The Best- The Starting Line

And even though he hasn’t rejected me. Or even really acknowledged me. I can’t believe how this has taken a toll on me. And I don’t think that anyone else has noticed. I don’t expect it, but still. I read the papers that I wrote about it from a few months ago. Surprisingly enough, nothing has changed. I just feel worse. Thanks.

I am nothing of a builder

…”But here I dreamt I was an architect… There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, save lay my rifle down.”

Thursday lunches suck. I will never hang out with a couple again. Ever. No freaking way.

Two of my best friends are fighting with each other. It’s so hard for me to deal with, I actually cried over it after school today. Yes, it was actually a session of this stuff. It sounds so typical and it is surprising that I did. And no, I am not advertising it around. I do not think that I’ll talk about this besides right now. I always imagined their friendship as ideal and without problems, but the realization that they do have problems makes me sad. I love them both but for entirely different reasons, it’s two different kinds of love as opposed to “well, they are my friends“, you know? I prefer hanging out with them separately because they are normally so close. It’s a completely different side to both of them; I hate realizations like this, it makes me question everything.

I’m going to have an essay due pretty soon. I had to pick three songs that related to Romeo and Juliet, and I chose 23 by JEW, A Letter To Elise by The Cure, End Of The World by the cure and If I Die by SoCo. Yes, that’s four, but the more songs that we have = the better grade we recieve [yes, she said that.] Cameron is having a hard time with it because he isn’t into music at all, I wish I could help him, but knowing how he is- he wouldn’t accept the proposal.

I ate with Anthony, Trish and Cameron today at lunch. The most boring lunch ever. Anthony and Trish constantly touch each other, which is the last thing I ever want to see with any two people, and Cameron is just in his own little world [as I am too]. And, Anthony simply could not help his impulse to drop the most obvious hints ever about having me and Cameron sit together. I’m sorry to admit it- but the whole crush thing on Cameron has passed, just a bit. Okay, I’ve admitted that to myself a million times but I am still not sure about it. It’s weird- I miss him like crazy when he’s gone but when he’s around, we are just friends. Just barely friends. I think I’ve just moved onto other crushes O.o

…And my semi-crush on that one dude has gotten to just about its peak. The best part is- I’ve talked to him once. It’s pretty darned pathetic and on the verge of hopeless.. But gosh- he’s so adorable. Obviously, I am infatuated- but still. XD

I love the format. Oceans is by far, my favorite song ever.

“I missed you so much that I sent you a note, oh- and I hope that you’re happy! I hear you’re somewhere by the saaaand, and I wish I was an oceeaaann! Oh nooo, oh and I hope that you’re happy! I hear you’re somewhere by the sand, and I wish I was an ocean, baby, thennn, I’d get to see you again!”

Top Ten Favorite Songs By The Format:

1. Oceans

2. Janet

3. Sore Thumb

4. Let’s Make This Moment A Crime- “We’ve just got to take our time, that’s right, nothing really matters so let’s make this moment a crime… It’s been a minute, a second, I’ll wait for you to come around!”

5. I’m Ready, I Am

6. Tie The Rope

7. The First Single

8. Wait, Wait, Wait

9. Dear Boy

10. Time Bomb

Yeeaaah. Oh, and did I mention that my retake score hardly counts?! Yup. The average between my grades for the test and the retake is the only thing that matters. So my wonderful B+ -> C-. No wonder I’m not motivated anymore. *shrugs shoulders*. Grades are coming out on the fifteenth. Not looking forward to it at all, all of my grades are going waaay down.

Been wishing I could get out of this town..

… “These dreams we’ve had, have never made you cry and I am not the twinkle in your eye.”

I sit at the front of the classroom in food science, and because the building was built before Columbine, the wall is completely made of windows. And so, I get to look into other classrooms. I love the idea of being able to watch life without having to actually be a part of it. Cassel’s class, Huntley’s, and Gallaher’s are the ones that I have access to. It’s so fun trying to pick out who is who, what they are saying, and what they are doing. Needless to say- I have taken to people watching.

Food science is less than exciting. If I’ve picked up this new hobby, you know that it’s pretty stupid. [OMGZ! 1/4 inch cubes!!] Digitools is awesome only because Lorren, Debbie and I have fun in the class.

This will be one of the last times I will mention this, but.. When I won the contest, I found myself telling myself, “So this is what people mean when they talk about ‘life’” Which made me realize the monotony of my current routine. I need to make something *happen*. sigh.

We did a standardized test called DRP today. Extraordinarily boring, and about the most ridiculous things. [omgz termites! omgz bones!] I am thoroughly against these tests. All these tests do is dictate what we learn. I’m talking moreso about the WASL here, but still. The teachers constantly stress over the WASL and giving us tips to pass. Graduation requirement? Really? I also hate how the teacher has to read a thing to the class. All this does is control what the teacher does so they don’t tell us the answers. Why don’t they? This is not a true test as far as our intellect goes. I’d love to meet the genius who absolutely loves *gasp* If, then, because statements, writing as small as possible to fit into the god forsaken box, writing about the most trite and boring things, and being as typical as they possibly can.

This does not prepare us for anything. If I were to become a scientist, would I be drilled if I did not write my validity statement according to the WASL standards? WASL = totalitarian. These tests also limit our spectrum of what knowledge is, and more importantly- which kinds of knowledge are more important. Thinking outside the box is not valued on these tests. The most bland person can pass these tests, but the creative people get a huge red dot on their transcript and are sent to remedial classes. A person can not be themselves when it comes to these things- they have to learn to conform to the standards that are thoroughly pounded into the huge muscle in their heads. It makes one kind of knowledge mean less than another, essentially.

If I truly wanted to conform to the WASL ideals, I would have learned how to read at age five and not two, I would have been placed in special education classes instead of being in the normal classes and ranking high; I would have hated art and loved math; and I would be another painted, superficial drone that the people who created the WASL always wanted me to be. They are targeting the young and making us believe that certain kinds of knowledge are better than others. And those other kinds of knowledge, are worse than none at all. This may not have been the original intent- but it may certainly happen in the future.

We are already forced between taking the test or not graduating- they are inducing fear, which is something that motivates everyone [really, what would humans be like now if they weren't afraid of being punished by an all-knowing god?] *steps off soapbox*