Two-headed boy, pt. 2

But anyways. I finished reading Dante’s Inferno, and sure, it was only at the expense of my vocal chords. Man, I hate this retainer with a passion. It dramatically slows down the rate at which I can speak. Aw, annoying. I can’t say I got alot out of reading it, which is a shame. I have to read over it again anyways to do the dialectic notes, so I guess I have another opportunity to fully understand this book.

… Oh, but at least I caught an allusion to the New Testament, which totally was not in the notes at the end of the canto. I just hope it’s the right time period, or whatever. Something about No’s and Yes’. It’s neat, though. It proves my biblical aptitude, and seeing as the entire class is aware of my atheism, I think they’ll be a bit surprised. Even if I am completely unable to verbalize it directly. I recall this during circle time:

Me: Uh, yeah. My worst holiday was last year when I told my parents about my, uh… disbelief, in uh…

Someone: Santa Claus?!

(Immediately, I thought of the whole, “wow, it’s amazing how similar Santa Claus and Jesus are!” But I didn’t say anything. I decided to be nice.)

Me: Yes, Santa Claus.

I’m just scared to death of verbalizing it like that in front of everyone. I’m afraid of offending someone. When you’re speaking to someone personally, it’s easier since you probably know them well enough to disclose that. But when you’re speaking to a room of twenty people with various degrees of religiosity, it freaks you out a bit. But then again, if I make it a big deal like that, maybe I’m making it worse for myself. Honestly, though, it’s very difficult for me to say it in front of everyone.

I went outside to shovel the driveway with my mom. It took less than five minutes but when I came back inside, I was absolutely soaked. Not to mention that within fifteen minutes, the driveway was snowed over again. Yeah, I’m not going to go outside four times an hour just to ensure the driveway is snow-free.

I am trying to brainstorm ideas for the dresses, or whatever, that I’m going to make. I have one or two good ideas right now, although, I”m not sure how they will turn out. One dress is going to be the same as the dress I wore for freshman, mostly because the pattern is extraordinarily easy to recreate and I could make it in just a few hours. The other dress, though, I’m not sure about. I also have to find something to cover up my arms so I don’t get too cold, since these events are in February and March. So, I’m going to try and make sure the dresses coordinate with one another so I could just use one sweater instead of buying two. The fabric, I’m not sure about, either. I have a few dresses a family friend gave me, and perhaps, I could use that fabric instead of the usual cotton/polyester fabric I use. I just hate shiny fabrics, or anything too fancy. I just feel like I should go with the fancier fabrics because it’s an event like that. Even if I shouldn’t feel obliged at all, since the reason why I’m making my dress in the first place is so it would be something I would be comfortable in, and something that I really like. And anyways, fashion rules are so 2007.

Especially since it’s pretty much expected for me to make my dress for any occasion like this. Allie’s mother got on the phone when I was talking to Allie and asked me if I was going to make my dress for her party. Any time I talk about a dance or a party or any occasion, really, where I wear a dress, someone will almost always ask me if I made the dress that I’m wearing. It’s really complimentary, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I were to say that it doesn’t put stress on me. When it comes to the things I create, of course I want to make people proud of me, or be in awe of whatever I make. Even if it’s not my direct intent, I do want people to be surprised at whatever I make, because, quite honestly, people don’t sew their own clothes anymore, and it does take alot of work. There’s a reason why people switched to readymade clothing so quickly. Well, after it was made affordable to them.

I went to St. Vinnie’s yesterday, which was a bit fun. I found two bibles, which were given to me for free, as well as two religious pamphlets for a nickel. One of the pamphlets you fill in on your own- oh, I’m having so much fun with that. It’s turning out wonderfully. I also found some old maps, which I’m going to turn into book covers. It’s going to look so cool. I found the cutest embroidery book, although, my embroidery aptitude is very limited. I got a book on sergers, which was a great find for me, yeah. All under three dollars, too. Life is good when you’re at the thrift store, even if it means that I get Enrique Iglesias stuffed down my throat.

Oh, and by the way: Thank you, Psychology Today, for always putting the sleaziest articles on the front cover. My mother now lovingly names it, “the perverted magazine.” I’m honestly thinking of unsubscribing since all they report on lately is the most useless things. Unscientific things. Psychology is a scientific field, and is not about sex and work and all that stuff, only. Obviously, these headlines have probably resulted in more sales and that’s why they continue to do it. But it’s making me look like a fool to my parents, man.

Oh, wow! I completely forgot to tell you guys how the Winter Solstice hand-out went!

The thing I love about my friends is that if you make them something, no matter how ugly it may be- they’ll wear it. Who knows, maybe they like the hats I made them, but I hadn’t the time to block them or anything. But still- everyone wore my AmandaHats on Wednesday. Everyone loved the CD covers I made them, especially Megan. She was astonished by it! Rightly so, since I spent a good four hours making those things for everyone. It was well worth it, but it was time consuming!

Cody was laughing so hard that he nearly cried when he got my present. Phar lent a bible to me because bibles are really expensive at the book store (and that’s the only resource I really had at the time) and it ended up being a bible called something like The Holy Bible For Healthy Young Women or something..

I’m still in the giving mood, though, since there were some people that I didn’t have time to make presents for. I had started making these presents in November and I still didn’t have enough time. All in all, even if it absolutely stressed me out and monopolized my time, I think I’m going to do it again next year. It felt really great. I guess that’s because you know that you have the ability to make other people happy, and sometimes, this is how you can get it done.

I just found a ton of patterns that I want to knit up. Man, I’m sure glad it’s winter break, even if I was planning on studying for finals the entire time. I’m so stressed out when it comes to finals. Each final we have is two hours long, and in between, we have an hour to study. We only have three classes on those days. This happens for about a week or so, I think. Everyone’s going to be on edge, I tell you. I’m not looking forward to it.

I’m planning on reading my world history book (which is a good fourteen chapters, and each chapter has around four to five sections.) since the final is going to be pretty comprehensive. It’s going to be taken on computers, so it’s multiple choice, but it has around five hundred questions. I’m not so worried when it comes to my english final or my psychology final since I’ve been working really hard in those classes and I know the material. Biology is another final I’m worried about, since I’ve been doing pretty badly in the class. My teacher doesn’t teach the class directly- she thinks that if she gives us labs and worksheets and stuff that we’d be able to make the connections and understand it. Clearly, it doesn’t work; almost seventy five percent of the class has a B- or lower.

I have to read Dante’s Inferno over winter break, too. I hope I will not be too bored by it. We have to log it, which is going to take forever. I have plenty of little assignments that are going to be due once winter break ends, but I can do those in an afternoon.

Even though I said that psychology is a final that I’m not worried about, one of my classmates told me that I should start studying now if I want to have any chance of passing. She said that the final kicked her butt last year. Because of her warning, I’m thinking of going over the chapter review packets that the teacher hands out. He gives the packets to us for no apparent reason, seeing as he just gives it to us and doesn’t tell us what to do with it.

Yesterday, Debbie and I had a pleasant conversation, sort of. She was on IM and I started talking to her but something is going on with her best friend and she said that she didn’t want to talk about whatever is going on with us, but that we could talk about other things. I was fine with that, so we kept talking about other things until she had to get offline. That made me feel a bit better about things. If only she were a bit more talkative, to make the conversation less awkward for me. I just kept talking and talking and then she’d say a word or so.

I spent some of this morning watching The Four Horsemen, which is basically a conversation with Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and that Dennett guy. The Four Horsemen is two hours long, and I watched about forty five minutes of it. It got a bit boring at times, but that’s mostly because my mind was on something else.

But anyways.

Amanda Pattern Wish List:
Jen’s Sweetie Pie Hat, mostly because I’m trying to get into cables.
Sunshine!
Mrs. Darcy Cardigan
Pretty Puff’s Slouchy Hat, that is, if I manage to figure out this whole crochet thing. *shudders*
One row handspun scarf

I’m also hoping to make a blouse for myself, but I’ve said that before. Maybe a hoodie as well, but I don’t think I’m going to try using my knit fabric until I get a serger. I sure hope I get a serger, because that’s the only thing I’m really counting on.

My thoughts send me on a carousel

I talk to you every now and then, I’ve never felt so alone again.

I knitted up three hats today. Wow. My fingers really hurt.
… But in the process of doing so, I managed to watch Forrest Gump in its entirety. My opportunity to prove how manly I am has come and gone, and indeed, I passed. Even if I’m a girl. But yeah, I didn’t cry at the end, which is some kind of indication of my masculinity. I did laugh a bit, though. It was so stupid, but so stupid that it was funny. But at some parts, I would laugh, and question as to whether they were being serious or if they wanted me to find it funny. I guess I will never know.

John Dewey is such a great writer. Oh, I should post some of the stuff he writes. Every sentence in this book is worthy of being quoted. A good quarter of the vocabulary that he uses I am unfamiliar with- which I absolutely love. Not to mention his absolute smackdown of religion, which only accentuated my love for this man even more.

I just thought that was cute. Via FFFFOUND!

And I just felt a bit nostalgic, bite me.

Winter break is coming up. We have half a week of school. I have a ton of homework to do, but I’m too set on getting these winter solstice presents done to even begin thinking about getting a headstart on all the homework. But whatever, I’ll have something like two weeks to get it done, I’ll be fine.

I found a goldmine of cover songs, man. Loooooove. Although it mostly consists of The Cure, I found some fairly decent FOB covers. Yar.

Gosh, I have become so much of a hipster within the past couple of years, haha.

I’m experimenting with polymer clay at the moment, kthx. It’s loads of fun, but only after you condition it. But the process of conditioning is pretty annoying and interminable.

I have so much stuff to get done, gosh. Thankfully, I got a head start on these winter solstice presents, but still- I have tons to do.

If you can’t leave your mark

… Then just give up.

I’m getting Christmas presents ready. Tomorrow, I’m going to the mall with Allie so I can buy stuffs. But for the most part, I’m making things. I made the envelopes, the cds, the sleeve that the cds are going to be put in (which is SO cool, really. I love the idea, I just hope that it’ll turn out okay.) Oh, this is fun. I like this. Even if I’m not making it for myself, I really like this philanthropy thing, even if it bites me in the butt sometimes. Okay, quite often. But whatever.

Sadly, there are a few things I cannot make, so I have to buy them. I’m going to buy some books for my friends, some sports stuff for my brother, and who-knows-what for the rest of my family and friends. Oh, what a legendary adventure awaits.

AND IT’S NOT EVEN HALFWAY DONE.

I have so much knitting to do. I also have to write up those heart-warming letters that Amanda is so famous for. Before, it was just the brainstorm, and now I’m going to have to write them. Somewhere. On something that is aesthetically pleasing. In my best handwriting without the employment of Liquid Paper. Oh, what a task I’ve signed myself up for. And, did I mention? This is for a little over twenty people. I am so pitiful.

I found the pieces of the watch that I tore apart today, which is absolutely great, since I’ve been looking for it for a couple of months now. Because I found the pieces, I can make that brooch/pendant/whatever I’ve been wanting to make. Although, I have to find some super glue or some E600 to get the job done. Which means, of course, stepping outside of this house.  Which means, stepping out into this:

Uh, yeah. It’s snowing. It’s not unpredicted- it’s freaking freezing all the time- but still. It’s actually sticking. You can’t see it in this picture, though, because I couldn’t take the picture in the front of our house. But yah- it’s sticking. Neat.

So, quality time with Allie. We’ve been talking on the phone for the last two days because we haven’t been able to talk all that much lately. Decidedly, there were hardly any awkward silences. Or at least, yesterday. And there’s still more I need to talk to her about. sdklfj;lskdf;lsdf how can I summarize the past six months in only a few hours? -dies-

Despite all this- I’m the happiest I could ever be right now. I don’t understand why. I guess I needed Allie more than I thought? That, and the whole omgz logan thing, too. Darn it, I’m am**ing. I love being myself and being around myself.  When you start to have fun all by yourself/become your own best friend, things look so much better.

And by the way- it’s totally his birthday tomorrow. I’m not creepy; he just happened to tell me this last year. Somehow. Somewhere.  I don’t know- but he did.

My brain salutes you!

As does Turkules, from planet Turkulon. SuperNews is so am**ing. (If I have not said this before, I will no longer use the word am**ing. Never, ever again.)

Dick Cheney: Michael, look, Jesus had to die in order for there to be Easter, and these guys have to die in order for there to be Thanksgiving!

Michael Moore: That’s a horrible thing to say!

Dick Cheney: Am I wrong?

Indian chief: I can see that both of you are great chiefs, because you are fat, and only men of great influence can afford to eat as much as you obviously do. But you cannot change the course of history. For example, if you roll these dice and come up with a seven or eleven, I will double your money, but if you roll a two, three, or twelve, I will take your money.

Some indian woman: Honey, what are you doing?

Indian chief: Hey, have you seen those guns they have? They’re like magic killing sticks! We need an angle here, baby!

Aww, am**ing.

Anyways.

I forgot to set one of my clocks backwards in my room and I was freaking out over not being dressed for the festival of trees. I thought I would never make that mistake on THAT clock. But I guess I am too lazy to get up, walk three feet, and change the time on the clock and would prefer to change my entire mindset instead. This is the epitome of human existence.

Yar, I have a total of four things on my christmas list and my brother has about twenty. No, more than twenty. Because clearly, he has more time to waste than I do, and video games are the only things he can possibly think about. I have to say, his dreams must be the most uneventful ones imaginable. liek, omgz halo, yah!

I got started on my Amanda original letters for everyone for Christmas. I have Phar, Riza, Cody, Megan, Angela, Shelley, Mary, Cameron, and Amelia down. That’s only half of the people I have planned. I need to curtail this list of Holiday Happiness, though, because it’s going to stress me out so much. Don’t worry, every time I say something I’ve said in another letter, I punch myself and make myself write it again in a cooler way. Given this process, the first letter I write is going to be the worst letter, and the last one I write is going to be the best letter. This isn’t really fair, no. But they shouldn’t complain because I’m willing to go through, draft after draft, PAGE AFTER PAGE, to write for them. Not to mention the gift that will be enclosed. Not to mention that I’m wasting my life and could be doing my FST homework.

Oh, and concerning the people in my family and THEIR presents. I have no clue. Does this make me a bad person? Yah, it definitely does. OH BUT NO! I’ll make hats. Done, and done.

I’ve been reading Human Nature and Conduct by John Dewey. I bought this book at the thrift store, and it’s about seventy years old. I love it so far. I love the way he writes, especially the vocabulary he uses. I don’t know half of the words he uses- which makes it even more enjoyable. I love words. Another reason to love him- he’s a pragmatist.

I’m just going to say this because I’ve been tracking the process here for several weeks now. Yes, my hair is finally cut. Thank you, and G** bless.

And on that lovely note…
How could I have forgotten?

The last time I remembered

… “Thing were getting better.”

Jeebus, I’m getting used to this whole Pete Yorn stuff. It’s good god. Yar, “Shampoo,” is my favorite right now. Rock on, man, despite the ambiance in your music, man. :D

I’m getting started on those heart-warming notes for Christmas presents. I have about thirteen people to do this for, yeah. I’m fine with it since it’s early and I don’t have to tackle all of these head-on, but I think I’m going to get very redundant.

But anyways- I have some pretty cool ideas for Christmas presents, especially for teh Cody. He’s not an acquaintance anymore, yah. It’s just that we have plenty of things in common and it’s going to be really easy getting him a present.

The new tv is hooked up and everything, so the old tv is no longer. Except the new tv sounds like a radio to me. Hmm.

And by the way, instructables is quite cool. Even if I spent two hours there and only found one thing that I could make.

Gosh, I want to get out right now. Anywhere.

I’ve decided to try to get to know Phar a little better. I just don’t know how. I was thinking of asking her to hang out with me or something. But then again, she’d probably bring her boyfriend along and it would ruin any kind of get-to-know-you time. Yeah.

And you remind me, I’m the one to blame.

… “I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head.”

Things started making sense today. Even if I am so behind on my dress for homecoming. But that’s totally what tomorrow is for. :D

I was thinking about the practice of men who ask the father of their significant other for permission to marry today. That last sentence was terribly constructed, yeah. Isn’t the whole practice a bit degrading? It dates back to when the daughters were more or less traded off to another family. So, basically, the whole practice is centered around objectifying females- the men are asking whether they are allowed to hold onto the father’s property, right?

I don’t think these birth control meds are working. Thank Jeebus that I’m… not having sex.

I need to make my dress for homecoming badly, and I cannot- for the life of me- figure out how to make the dress I want! -dies-

… It’ll look a little like this.

Only with godets and not pleats. :D Hopefully?

We’re not alone, just lonely all the time.

… “Are we ever going to get it right? Are we ever going to start making sense and stop pretending that we care?”

I’m making Riza a crocheted amigurimi bear for her birthday, which is next week. I am not an expert at crochet at all. I suck at crocheting- I’m most definitely a knitter. But, this thing is going surprisingly well! The arms just look a bit… anabolic as of late, so I’m going to need to fix that? D: Anyways, I crocheted for a few hours last night and all I have left is doing one arm, and the legs. Very quick and easy!

I’m also thinking of making this for her. She loves cutesy stuff like this, as impractical as it may be, haha. I also need to think of Christmas winter solstice presents to make for people, too, which is a bit stressful, but it can be done!

Mom and dad are pressuring me into making my Christmas winter solstice present list. I really desire a serger. Okay, I do not desire one, I need one. My sewing machine now is the absolute dreg of sewing machines- it meets my most basic needs (straight stitch/zigzag) but other than that, it does nothing for me. It may have a buttonhole stitch on it, but every time I use it, I end up wrecking the fabric because it is so overzealous. It is impossible! to sew any kind of jersey fabric; I’ve never sewn spandex or anything stretchier than jersey on my sewing machine, but I dread the day when I am forced to!

… Ironic, how Santa Claus and Jeebus are so interrelated!

Er, I’m dying to find the alternate version of When Paula Sparks by Copeland. I deleted it off of my computer a few months ago when I hated the song, but now I love it, unfortunately. So, help a brother sister out?

Jeebus, I love this scratch-out effect. Thanks, wordpress!

I’m looking forward to making this fettuccine with asparagus and mushroom recipe. Little did I know, Epicurious is a show, too! -embarrassed-

Okay, so something not crafty.

My life has been going at such a fast rate right now. It’s very nice, actually. I love being busy and having things to look forward to. Speaking of it, this dude from Ashworth University asked to syndicate some of my blog entries than pertain to psychology onto this other blog for older students. I haven’t even graduated and something like this happens?! It’s a pretty big deal, I think, just because it proves something about the way I write. Maybe?

And the whole diversity thing is pretty big to me, too, it’s all I can think about, because I haven’t done anything like this before. Katelynn got a chemical burn from some chlorine at the pool and she was gone, I hope she gets better. I heard that the burn is pretty severe- they had to call urgent care at the swim meet. She can’t put clothes over the burn because it’s so sensitive. She really wanted to do the diversity thing, too, I hope she gets well enough to go!

So, I guess this is what people mean when they talk about, you know, “life.”

… If only my SCs truly looked like SCs. They look too knitter-ly. Too, loose? They aren’t chunky! I broke crochet!

… I don’t care, I just want to make something as cute as this!

I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure

… “You try to tell me that I’m clever, but that won’t get me anyhow, or anywhere, with you.  “

These past two weeks have been so eventful bizarre, I’m not even sure if they really occurred.

I came out to my parents, which resulted in being punished. I am so grounded- that’s the reason why comments are disabled. Don’t ask why, it’s a really stupid reason. My internet access is dramatically restricted because they think it has some influence on me. Like, being on the internet = being gay?! I’m sorry, but correlation never establishes causation. I believe they did the same thing with my atheism. Let’s just admit it- they are not the most accepting people on this planet. My mom said that I cannot have any girls over because “we do not want those kinds of *things* going on in our house.” That was just insulting. They also wanted me to tell them the name of every girl I had had a crush on. And here’s another thing:

“Generally, we accept gay people. But it’s a completely different thing when it’s your *daughter*.”

I’m so tired of this adversarial  relationship we have. Respect should not be a one-way street.

I transferred into FST, which is one of the best things I have ever done. I just wish that I didn’t have to do the first chapter, because it is so mindless and easy, that it’s boring. I cannot stand not being challenged. It makes me not care.

/Logan actually has the class with me. -dies-

I joined swing club. I really like it- it gives me something to look forward to, and keeps me away from home. Being home really sucks.

I’m almost over this Logan thing, I hope. I realize that he’s changed (okay, I realized that a while ago. But Allie realized it, too, so I don’t feel alone.) and there isn’t a point anymore.

Homecoming is in three weeks and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think my parents are not going to let me go. Which brings us back to the second paragraph, thanks. I’m still brainstorming the dress, anyways, because they are still making up their minds. If I can’t wear the dress to homecoming, then I could just wear it to school. No, it’s not going to be particularly fancy. I cannot go out and buy the fabric, so I’m stuck with whatever I have around the house. I have this nice wool fabric that I’m thinking of using, although, I’m not sure since it is WOOL! D:

I’m going to this marching band thing tonight for Riza. I love how Riza support time = Angela quality time, haha.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Angela to bits, the irony is just overwhelming. :D

I am playing this new game called Earthbound. Despite the hardcore name, it’s the cutest thing evar! :D

AP Psychology has become so overwhelming. The vocab for this past chapter had about a hundred or so words in it! We had one day to study it. It’s not like he warned us about it- he hadn’t mentioned the vocab once.

I miss my friends.

Maybe you should make a list for me, of everything important in this world.

… “In a note of urgency, because I don’t know how I feel.”

Summer’s over in four days? Of course, this isn’t naturally decided- education did it.

So, I’m bi. I’m not sure if I’ve written it here, ever, but that’s what I am. I’m not following a trend, all right?

Anthony is being a jerk and says that I’m only saying that because I want attention. I don’t need attention. Anthony’s put me on the defense, as you can tell. He’s just so frustrating lately. A few months ago, I thought that I could never dislike him. I just wish I never started that damn debate, because if I didn’t, we’d be just fine right now. I can’t stand talking to him anymore; he always gets me in a bad mood. I absolutely hate how we can’t talk without mentioning religion. We were just fine before! I can’t believe this debate has jeopardized our friendship- if I knew this would happen, I wouldn’t have done this.

So, yeah. I like someone. I think this whole thing about Logan has more or less, blown over for now. When school starts, I’ll like him again, but I’m enjoying these last couple of days in which I have little affection for him. She’s really cute, we’ve hung out before. She had food science with me, too, haha. Darn it, she’s really pro-bible, so she wouldn’t dig me back. There’s this other girl that’s really cute, too, but she’s too emo for me, so I don’t think I could deal with her. And, of course- there’s that other girl, but everyone is in love with her, including one of my best friends, so I’m not going to bother. I can’t live with myself knowing that I have a crush on someone who is loved by one of my best friends. Even if she gave up on her.

I’ve been knitting myself a sweater- I started it less than a week ago? And I’m almost done with it. I have to finish the sleeves, join them into the round, knit the rest of the sweater, then sew the sleeves up and add a button band. The last four steps are relatively easy and quick, haha.

Megan has Spanish with me, so I’m not going to switch out of the class, after all. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have Megan around. But then again, I don’t have any of my other close friends in my classes. Okay, Daniella and Mary are close to me, but they are on a different level. They’re close, but not extraordinarily close like Lorren/Shelley/Laurie are. I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.

I always find my romance in the emergency room

… “I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head but I’m hanging off of every word you said.”

I made four stencil yesterday and I only like two. But it’s okay, since they are so kickass. It’s Bright Eyes and The Cure. They’re awesome. I want to find more stencils because believe I have found THE way of using my X-Acto knife. And I actually found an awesome-er X-Acto knife in my craft box. It’s a poser X-Acto knife, but it’s weird because it says that it’s made by Kai. Seriously. *shudder*

My eyesight is sucking so badly lately. If only I could gouge my eyes out and still have the ability to see.

I felt slightly poetic last night and I wrote stuff. It actually was halfway decent.

“My arms are tired from catching butterflies, because I wanted to send them to you in a jar to remind you of how I feel.”

Lame, I know.

I am currently in love with JamisonParker. If only the band didn’t break up =( Waking Ashland broke up a few days ago. I would’ve been more heartbroken if their last record didn’t suck as much.

I’m trying to figure out what to paint. And I can’t think of anything great. It’s eventual, I’ll get it.

I uploaded the pictures I took from the last days of junior high school.

I’m bleeding and I’m heartless but I’m yours

… “I’d rather chew on broken glass than keep on living in the past and wasting time on words I know you didn’t mean… I finally know the taste of love. It’s a cross between cheap beer and blood with an aftertaste of dry sarcastic speech. And so I guess it’s safe to say that we both knew that I’d end up this way, with a brain that’s clueless and unsure, and eyes that hardly ever work. But I guess that’s fine I rarely use them anyway.”

Edit:

WHY ARE PEOPLE COMING TO THIS BLOG ENTRY ONLY

because this entry, as of March 8, 2008, has been viewed one thousand, four hundred and eight six times. Someone comment me and tell me why? It’s all about the pygmy marmosets, but I really thought that nobody cared about them. So why the sudden interest? It’s eating away at my soul, kthxbai.

I’m still deciding as to what I’m going to do with the green thingy I painted. I’m thinking of writing The Origin of Species on it, but I’m not sure. Because the book is very long and I don’t think I can squeeze it in. And I can’t think of any way to write it that small.

I know I’ve written about this plenty of times before, but I don’t care. I’m going to write about it anyways. And if you are bored by reading this, I don’t care. You’ve wasted your life anyways, by reading this precaution.

Despite my surrender of obsession with someone, out of hope that they will soon be amputated from my heart, I still manage to have dreams about them. I sicken myself, quite honestly, when it comes to this. I even lied to everybody because I expected this to be over “soon”, time and time again. It’s not like the dream was one of *those* kind of dreams, but I would really hate to describe it in detail here, because when it’s put into words, it is very corny. But I guess this proves that I’m a pretty darned corny person.
AH! BABY PYGMY MARMOSETS!

I cannot help myself. Those things are awesome. I want to own a baby pygmy marmoset.

When I said, “I hate what I’ve become”

… “I lied, I hated who I was… B is for believing you’d always be here for me. E is for everything, even when we’d see it though. C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake, which brings me to A because, because, you always run away.”

I like painting. But I don’t really like admitting it just because everyone loves to paint, whether they are good at it or not. But yeah, I finished painting my mirror. I intended for it to be olive green. But apparently, color constancy is out the window, and now it is a lovely dark blue. I like the change, but I still feel a little disappointed by not having an olive green mirror. And I’m not going to paint it again. I’ve painted two coats of paint + two coats of varnish and I’m NOT going back!

Uh, a slight change in subject, just to commit to memory but… Mirrors do not see themselves. They aren’t aware of what they look like; and I realized this as I painted it. Sure, mirrors are not necessarily alive, but figuratively speaking… Mirrors are a great representation of consciousness! Oh, Amanda, you amaze me so much. I’d marry myself, if it were possible.

Mmm. I’ve abandoned the idea of making a collage, seeing as collages suck and I didn’t realize that until I remembered the OTHER collages I’ve made. And how I told myself never to make a collage recreationally for any purpose ever, so I’ve decided that I will either paint something on it on my own, or stencil something onto it. Stencilling is a good idea, but it is very time-consuming… And I lost my X-Acto knife. I found another one in the garage but it is old. Oh, my beloved X-Acto knife! I cannot live without that thing. Likewise for my rotary cutters.

I’m thinking of just going out and buying some canvas as opposed to using a flat cardboard rectangular prism. It’s just that it is pretty expensive and mom hates going outside D:

Oh, and I put up that rad clock that I found from the garage. It’s cool, but I’m getting a little paranoid because I have three clocks in my room, and one doesn’t even work. And the new rad clock I found doesn’t have an alarm, while the digital clock I have does. Vanity vs. practicality, once more. Lame.

I want to do more stuff to my room. I crave change, I guess. I just need inspiration! D:

When you are away, my heart comes undone

… “Slowly unravels, in a ball of yarn. The devil collects it, and with a grin, I love in a ball of yarn.”

Edit:

WHY ARE PEOPLE COMING TO THIS BLOG ENTRY ONLY

Tell me, because this entry, as of March 8, 2008, has been viewed one thousand, five hundred and six times. Someone comment me and tell me why? It’s all about the pygmy marmosets, but I really thought that nobody cared about them. So why the sudden interest? It’s eating away at my soul, kthxbai.

So I’m knitting this sweater but I used the wrong type of yarn and it’s slightly bigger than I want. I can fix it when I finish it, but I have no motivation to keep knitting it anymore.

I am also working on that collage. It’s going to turn out very well, I think, I just need to find more white paint. I found some awesome quotes in my old magazines to use. Here are some examples:

“Hunks in Trunks”

“It’s a mousse revolution!”

“It’s easy to come by.” (hah, innuendo.)

“Be whatever you choose. Buy *whatever brand it was*.”

Yah. What can I say? I was a naive little girl when I bought those magazines! But I admit the error in my ways, and I have acted accordingly by ripping all of them up!

Amanda rant on how evolution affects us in our everyday lives:

I have this air conditioner in my room. And my father taped up the sides so insects will not fly into my room. He missed a spot. Hence, I found a baby spider and two ants. *shudder* And my fear of these insects annoys me to death. There is no reason to fear these things; there is no way they can harm me. And yet, these are the only things that truly creep me out.

… And I can’t tape it up because it is a tiny spot UNDER the air conditioner and I cannot reach it. And logically, I cannot sleep in my room anymore because I am so freaked out by these things. I sicken myself. I prove to be diverse from the other idiotic teenage girls around me, and then I turn around and get freaked out by insects. Way to go, Amanda.

Amanda rant on the media’s ignorance of practical science out of the desire to gain popularity:

All I have been hearing about from the news lately is of that new study about women speaking the same amount of words as men do… BLAH! I don’t care! Scientists could have found a cure for the common cold (although impossible, it still proves my point) and they would not have reported on it because OMGZ! Women speak just as much as men do! I suppose practical journalism is out the window these days.

End rant.

AH! Isn’t that the cutest baby pygmy marmoset?!

Ooh. I don’t know what it’s eating- and I don’t want to know- but that’s another cute baby pygmy marmoset. Aw!

I hope this is what you want

… “Because my throat will be the first thing to go!”

Geez. This record is awesome. ‘Birds’ is my favorite right now, ftw. But I cannot get past that whole “If S-I-L-Y-M-I still is all you want/ then I’m not sure how much in common we’ve got!” and how awesome it is. Definitely my favorite lyric of ALL time.

Directions is certainly not SILYMI, and it’s not BOATS, either. It is very far off of SILYMI, in the sense that this new record is not as poppy as the other one. This record has a theme of growing up, basically, while the other one seemed to focus on teenage angst. This record is much more melodic, it seems, than the others. There are definitely no “Photography”/”Ready” tracks on here, but it’s still an awesome record. Considering the fact that Say It Like You Mean It was made when they were in their early twenties/pretty much, in high school, and now they are much older, their sound has definitely changed. Oh, but this is really, a great record. Everybody should listen to it.

… But I’m thinking of restraining myself from listening to it too much, haha.

But anyways. I am trying to find some way to decorate the walls within my room, seeing as I moved my furniture around and got rid of things that are no longer “me” (Sorry, couldn’t find a better adjective. Oh, the philosophical possibilities of such a statement!) therefore, my walls have nothing on it besides my Blink poster. Sad, yes, but as I said before, a part of me is dying along with the past year. Anyways, I have this thin cardboard prism that I am planning on either putting a collage onto, or putting some fabric on it and hanging it up, or maybe just putting my leftover muslin on it and painting it. It’ll look nicer than it sounds.

I got started on knitting another sweater for myself, it’s going to be swt. Except for the fact that this is my first lace pattern, and I keep freaking out over counting between the stitches.

__________________

So, what role does the awareness of our consciousness play in evolutionary process? (I really cannot elaborate on this statement more. Because I have no clue.)

Ants are biologically set up to live for a very short period of time, therefore, they are programmed to do things. They have no free will. Evolution drives them, basically. The ants probably do not see that they are like robots, programmed to do whatever possible, to thrive and carry on their genes.  We, humans, are set up to live for a much longer period of time, but we are still driven by evolution. We find ways to make our lives easier by technology, we can even think for ourselves. So, if you ponder this even further; is our free will an illusion? What if we are just like ants, unaware of the routine we undergo throughout our lifetime?

All those days of summer fun, I missed you more than ever

… “Absence makes the heart grow withered, but fonder still… I’m jealous of you, moon, tonight you get to see her. Alone beneath the stars, with everything I fear.”

Wheat English muffins bring the rad, ftw.

I got invited to two parties today. And I cannot go to either of them. It’s terrible, really, but I suppose I deserve it. We have the worst pop-ups lately and I think we have some kind of spyware on our computer, as well as malware since Spybot isn’t working. So I reinstalled Spybot (it gets rid of the spyware on our computer, as well as whatever else is infecting our computer) and it worked, despite the error message. The weird thing was, whenever I tried to install it again, the computer would try to close mozilla firefox AND the installation window. I was so lucky that I had more than one tab open!

But yeah, I didn’t tell my mother, mostly because she is technologically ignorant and thinks I am trying to make the computer explode- but I should’ve told her anyways, so I’m all grounded from going. It’s my fault, but I really wish I could’ve been grounded in some other way, since I have been wanting to hang out with people more this summer. But I guess that’s what punishments are for.

I ripped up one of my really old sweaters for the yarn. And then, I didn’t pay attention in the way I set it back down, so it’s all tangled now. It’ll drive me into my next lifetime, trying to untangle it all. But I should’ve paid more attention… D:

I was watching this show on timespans, and it said that if you used the age of the Earth as reference, the average human lifetime would last 1.6 seconds. I watch the most depressing things on television.

When I was little, I didn’t really expect for myself to grow up, really. I mean, yeah, birthdays came and went, I graduated from pre-school and then elementary school… But I didn’t expect my life to keep going from one moment to the next. It’s almost like I thought that after I reached a certain age before puberty, I would relive the little part of life that I had lived so far. I guess I didn’t expect to live up to the point where I would be entering high school, and have to start worrying about college and my career and all that stuff. I hadn’t really thought of the future realistically, I suppose, and that is how I had come to that conclusion.

… I guess I thought that I would live forever at a certain age and never change. So I hadn’t cared much about one-time opportunities and having fun when I was little because I thought I would live through it again later. I don’t know, I was a weird little kid.

And so I was reading some e-mails from when I was in like, sixth grade. It’s so weird thinking of people you used to know, because it seems like they stay the way you knew them, forever. Even if I got into fights with certain people, I don’t hate them for it. I had this friend a few years ago, but she moved away, and she loved me so much, but one thing happened and we got into a fight and I never talked to her again. And the weird thing is, despite the terrible fight we had, I don’t really hold her to it. I can’t imagine holding a grudge against anybody, actually. I wonder how she is doing now. But there is no way I could get into contact with her. I think she lives in Everett now.

… And the more I think about it, the more I realize how I could end up like that again, to anybody that I know now. Melancholic, no?

“Please don’t ask me to read your holy book with an open mind. I can describe my mind as open, but not so open that my common sense fails me.”

YESYESYES! I loved the de-conversion blog entry today so much, that I added it to my atheism blogroll.

I need you like water in my lungs

… “I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.”

My mother is supposed to cut my hair today. My brother is having a friend over. I am making tapioca pudding right now (from scratch, no doubt)

So, it’s time to conduct internet search part six, I believe. I’m off to venture the internets to find an awesome kirby game for SNES.

but omgz! As I was searching for super nintendo games, lo and behold- a Beavis and Butt-Head game. And a LOTR game. But the first one is cooler. I just wonder, what could that game include?

“You’ve got to help the mentally deficient duo score tickets to a GWAR concert, but the boys don’t have any cash to buy tickets. The idiots decide that taking pictures of themselves doing “cool stuff” will be enough to get them in free. In order to win the tickets you’ve got to guide Beavis and Butt-Head through four levels: “Highland High School,” the “Streets of Highland,” “Highland Hospital,” and “Turbo Mall 2000.” Each level requires you, as Beavis or Butt-Head (or both if you’re playing with a friend), to avoid enemies and solve puzzles. Once you reach the end of the game, prepare to square off against the members of GWAR themselves in a showdown of epic proportions.”

Today, I cleaned my room once more. I organized my fabric (most specifically, my scrap fabric) and my buttons. I love buttons. With a passion. If I had a million buttons, that would not be enough. Sadly, despite my love of buttons, I do not know what to do with them, really. Lame.

It seems Laurie is very bored at the location at which she is vacationing. She is actually using her e-mail address. Kind of.

So, I can proudly say that I have lost my 2004-2005 yearbook. And that I cried over it. I’ve done alot of crying over these past couple of weeks.

I’ll be blunt about it; he totally blew me off and it hurts. And I feel so stupid for finding offense in it. I mean- other people love me right now and I can’t even appreciate it. How terrible of a person does that make me? I suppose I deserve getting ninja-ed by a bicycle.

When I read the things I’ve written on here… It’s quite fascinating of how personal I get on here. But then again, nobody reads this. And even if people did, it wouldn’t matter. Because I made these people up.

So maybe it’s time for me to get emo for the first time in a very long time. Which is a good thing, I suppose. But I don’t know. Stress is a natural process which takes place whenever any kind of change occurs.

… It’s just that, I’ve been thinking alot about graduating. Not from the junior high, but from the high school. It’s going to happen sooner than I expect. And then I will no longer be a teenager, necessarily. And I’ll have to go to college. And get a job. And settle down someplace to “finish up my life”, so to speak.

And giving up my friends, more or less. And that will happen. I hate thinking of it. Oh, we’re all going to different colleges. And no matter how much effort you put into keeping in touch, it’ll eventually go away.

“I don’t know why, but we just stopped communicating.”

Oh, everybody’s going to do such great things. I really believe that. Although the abundance of the statement takes away meaning, I really think so.

I can’t imagine how somber that day is going to be, at least for me. It just won’t show up until the last twenty minutes.

… And with my father being away and everything, it’s so weird seeing my mother act this differently. I mean, she’s so cheery. And cuddly-wuddly. And just darned honest with things. I don’t know how to interpret that. Maybe she is like that with my father and when we are not around. Maybe she is displacing her loneliness with affection in excess.

… And you know, when I said these past three years were the best in my life… I take that back. I find that statement far too broad to describe my feelings. If you separate the good parts from the bad, the good parts were very good, while the bad were.. Very bad. And if you put them together to summarize it all, I don’t see them canceling each other out.

The best parts of 2004-2007:

1. Meeting Andrew McMahon
2. Getting on the radio
3. Going to Seattle with Daniella and Teagan
4. Summer school.
5. Making friends with everybody I know now
6. Maintaining most of the friendships throughout my junior high school career
7. Celebrating three more birthdays with Riza (both of ours alike)
8. The freshman dance xD
9. All the sleepovers with Megan/Karen/Riza/etc. Swt.
10. The Azteca field trips, sadly
11. Getting two ipods =D
12. Getting braces
13. Getting glasses
14. Going to California

Bad parts of 2004-2007:

1. My hamster dying
2. the whole self-mutilation thing
3. starting a whole new regimen of medication
4. all of the drama within the first year of junior high
5. All of the resulting stress from school, mostly this year
6. Going out with some dude. And then breaking up with him.
7. All the other crushes I had on dudes. Especially the one that completely messed up my eighth and ninth grade year.
8. The whole thing with Nick
9. The whole AR thing
10. Math classes.
11. Summer school.
12. Blink 182 breaking up =(
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Getting braces
15. Getting glasses

The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

… “ And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did. It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, because what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is. What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated.”

I found out how to use my Super Nintendo. Forget about these next paragraphs; I have tons to do this weekend.

I have very little homework to attend to this weekend. I need to find something to do, because if I just sit around and think, I believe I will walk myself crazy.
So, maybe I will make myself a pinhole camera. But, to make it, I need film, and I do not think we have any. Or at least any that is usable. Anyways, if I figure it out, I may as well make one for Anthony as well, since he’s into this kind of stuff. I want to make somebody happy!
Or maybe I’ll just sew something for myself. I want something new today, and since the chance of going out is very low, I may as well create something.
Actually… Maybe I’ll just play Kirby all afternoon. When you swallow the enemies, you get the cutest and most awesome Kirby skills you can imagine.

Is that, or is that not the cutest Kirby you have ever laid your eyes upon?

AH! PARASOL KIRBY!

*ahem*

*Speaks in British accent* But anyways.

Time for Amanda to rant against theism. Again.

I still cannot believe how gullible everybody is about this. I turned the TV on, and there is a huge block of channels dedicated to religion. And there are people on there reading from the bible and saying how great it is. And I think of how  ridiculous these people are- reading it out loud and believing every word they say- and then I realize how most people in the world are this way.

… And if they think evolution shouldn’t be taught in school, heliocentricism (the “belief” that the earth rotates around the sun) or (the people who take it so literally) that the earth is round, then why teach geometry and everything that branches from it? The bible says that π equals three.

Christianity must be the most well-disguised cult ever created.

At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught

… “I think in decimals and dollars, I am the cause to all your problems, I am everything the other boys promised, oh, it hurts to be this good.”

We went to Uwajimaya today. I now own some Ramune =D

I woke up at two this morning and despite taking my sleeping meds, I still couldn’t sleep. Terrible.

I finished my final draft of my practice dress and am about to cut into my pretty fabric. It’s terrible, though, because I bought four yards of the stuff and hardly need one. Oh, well, the fabric is beautiful!

Tomorrow is school, again. On Wednesday, I have a science test. I wonder if I’ll have a math quiz. I need to go into class early and correct my homework, but my teacher is never there.

I finished reading Fahrenheit 451 today, so I can take my AR test. It’s a relief, but it’s also painful to think about. This whole thing is so stressful already, and my parents are not helping at all. For that reason, I really wish I never told them about this in the first place. I knew I’d regret it, but not this much. So I’ve more or less decided to keep them out of my school life, no matter the cost. Because this is not worth it. I only told them out of fear, too. Terrible.