So here’s why I suck at relationships

I watched my yellow cat says (9:03 PM):
WE FAIL AT FIGHTING
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
D:
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
Srsly =\
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
I HATE YOU
I watched my yellow cat says (9:03 PM):
I HATE YOU MOAR
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
… These words of hate are full of love, this is lame

_

Sorry, that was too notable for me not to post it.

Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
I don’t even get how you entered the conversation.
Rebellious Turnip says (8:18 PM):
lol
Rebellious Turnip says (8:18 PM):
I am omnipotent, I am in all converstaions
Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
hahah
Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
I know, seriously.
Rebellious Turnip says (8:19 PM):
Usually just in the porn conversations, but I can hang over in the “brilliant thing to say” conversations every once in awhile
___

I love my, ahem, boyfriend. :3 Because I officially have a man now.

This place is void of all passion

… “If you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort.”

Gosh, it’s been so ;laskjfl;ksjd;lfkjsdlfkj the last couple of days. And this sums it up perfectly:

Norman says (8:55 PM):
you don’t go like “hai, i like you woman” and then be like “…but i don’t want a committed relationship”
Norman says (8:55 PM):
especially since you went and trashed your other man after hearing cody liked you
___

And because of that, I’m getting a bit mean to Cody. If that makes me an antagonistic degenerate, then so be it. I have my pride. And even if breaking up with the other guy was completely selfish and I do not forgive myself at all for it, at least I lost my self-respect in the process.

/optimism

Felatio says (6:09 PM):
So every morning when I wake up, I set my alarm back 20 minutes, and go back to sleep

Felatio says (6:09 PM):
I lather, rinse, and repeat, until 6:30

Playing hopscotch on your bandages. says (6:09 PM):
… Why?

Felatio says (6:10 PM):
Because getting out of bed is more depressing than killing your own animal

Felatio says (6:10 PM):
Anyway

Playing hopscotch on your bandages. says (6:10 PM):
haha, nice analogy, +2 pts

A sip for every second-hand tick

… “And every time you fed the line, ‘you mean so much to me!””

Today has been so strange and eventful and exciting, man. Things really aren’t that bad. Dude, like, omgz I am even more crazysexycool than I once thought.

Gosh, sorry to be so vague, guys. I’d be more open if I could, but as exciting as it was, I am very unsure as to what life is going to be like from now on. I’m not sure if changes are even going to take place. I have all the hope in the world right now but I admit- I’m a bit afraid of whatever is going to come. Yeah, I am reminded of a conversation from a few days ago:

Phar: “Amanda, are you afraid of intimacy?”

Me: “Er, I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of intimacy. If anything, I’m repulsed by it.”

Phar: “Which means you’re afraid of intimacy.”

Me: “I guess.”

That reminds me of Schacter’s Two-Factor Theory. People respond emotionally to situations according to the way they perceive it. Now that I have this label, a label that indicates some sort of problem within a well-adjusted person, I am unsure as to how to approach this.

I think I am going to tag my entries all over again. I need to organize this thing more. As time-consuming as it may be.

I received my essay back from my English teacher. I am very proud of myself- I’ve earned another A on an essay, and I worked really hard to achieve that. I feel very satisfied with myself right now.

Oh, it hurts to be this good.

Today was a pretty huge day.

I’ll make a list because I want to

and because I was daydreaming about making a list so I’ll write down what I day-dreamt.

1. I will go to sleep early.
2. I will not converse with Anthony Egan about random crap until nine.
3. I just discovered a webcomic involving Lincoln and other relatively famous and un-famous people. I’m in love.
4. I’m talking to Cody which is cool because he’s my favorite person right now. Dear god, I hope I don’t end up conversing with him until nine about random crap.
   • He talks about Spongebob and I have no clue.
   • He talks about pokemon and I have no clue.
   • But we both bash religion so it’s k.
   • Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     but seriously
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     watch the holy grail
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     you wil lol your feminine underpants off

   Uh, yeah, I think I’m good now, haha.

Knowledge Bowl was k. My team isn’t going to state, but another team is and the other team is tied with another local school. It’s interesting. I might even come along with them, since they need alternates!

On the way back, however, we had a huge conversation about religion. I did not establish this, mind you. I tried very hard to not be insulting towards everyone else.

… But man, I thought the people on Knowledge Bowl would be smarter than this. Yeah, it was a pretty ignorant assumption to make, whatever. I expected them to be slightly skeptical of things like this. I’m pretty ticked off. I do appreciate how the guy who thinks I’m hot looked at me with such hope and adoration when I said that I wanted to announce something to the group, only for his dreams to be smashed down by my antitheistic/atheistic views. Uh, that’s what you get for being Catholic? :3

The thing that bugged me the most was how I was so torn between my “it comforts them, let them believe whatever they want.” and my “oh my god, they are so wrong about everything.” I was ready to bring it. Aw, I had so much faith in all these people not to let me down with their religious stuff. Oh, and their arguments were so weak. And typical. The conversation was not thought-provoking at all, which disappointed me because I had hoped that it would be; that is the reason why I was listening in the first place. I had heard it all before. Only by people that I had respected less. Well.

With Christianity, I’m not completely all right with it but I do not necessarily disagree with it. I think I can attribute that to the fact that I have met more passive Christians than I have met, say, fundamental Mormons. And there are alot of fundamental Mormons that I know. I oppose LDS at about the same level of Co$. The degradation of women seems to be more prevalent within the Mormon community than the Christian community. At least there are some Christians that are somewhat skeptical about their religion and tailor it to their needs, but it seems like there are more Mormons who are willing to accept it. Hah, I don’t think passive Co$ believers exist. I mean, if you have to pay thousands of dollars to achieve a higher status in a church, it wouldn’t be particularly easy to admit that the system is wrong.

Oh, not to mention that LDS and Co$ are cults.

Me: What is the point of salvation if you don’t even know what God forgives and punishes you for?

*everyone else carries on*

Me: Oh, and by the way, Jesus never existed.

*Kenny glares at me from the depths of his soul*

Me: Yeah, you heard that, didn’t you?!

*Kenny resumes reading his Salvation Map aloud*

_edit

So, what has this conversation done to my perspective of my peers?

I would hope the impact would be very little. I want to judge people by what they do and not what they think. Somehow, I don’t think I’m at that point yet. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to think they are dumber than I am, that they are bad people, or that they are any less respectable. I’m not sure what this means.

It annoys me that people can lie to themselves this substantially just to maintain homeostasis. That they do not try to get all of the facts before making a proper assumption. That they aren’t strong enough to face the facts. I also understand, though, that getting all the facts and all that jazz may not work for everyone. There are certain things people have to do to make themselves feel comfortable- even if I acknowledge it as it happens, I still do this for myself all the time.

As illogical as it is, I don’t want to admit that I do not have all the answers. I don’t think that’s illogical at all, actually, I’m sugarcoating it. People are smarter than I am, but I have a full grasp of this religious thing. I know more than most “religious” people do.

Oh- but to completely ignore contradictory facts to make oneself feel comfortable, is a completely different thing. It is forgivable to do this for minor things- not while choosing the foundations of your life. laskjdfl;askjdflkjdsf

—> Now, let’s reflect this back to myself. I know there is nothing I can say to these people to make them begin to question their beliefs. Quite honestly, I think they attach too much sentiment to them, because really, they have inherited these beliefs from their parents; it is that simple. Am I really this stubborn that I consistently get into arguments with people about this, even if I know that I am not going to progress at all? Perhaps I have not been exposed to this stuff live much. I can recall about fifteen instances in real life within the past couple of years that bring religion into question.

Another thing is that during this discussion, I spoke very little. I do not know when I’m being too harsh or if something I am saying is even insulting. I say what I mean, but that’s a pretty bold statement because I try pretty hard to sugarcoat whatever I am saying. But I never really know if I am being insulting. I suppose that is the Enlightenment fallacy at work. I tend to think that if I just put the truth out there, people will see that, and not whatever else they perceive it to be. Which is, of course, wrong.

I don’t want to love you if love is this alone.

10/28/05

When I left, I saw him smiling through the glass window fixed in the door. I had the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the day. It amazes me how special that conversation, which was the third one we have ever engaged in, was. I could not focus on anything until lunch, because he was there. It’s so much like a movie. It feels nice to be able to compare my life to that.

3/25/06

I made Allie creampuffs for her birthday a few das ago. I went to her house yesterday after school, I rode the bus home with her. Debbie did, too, but C missed the bus so Allie and her dad went to pick her up. So me and Debbie had nothing to do. Allie told us to watch TV, and she had like, fifty remotes. So me and Debbie were trying to turn it on, and when we finally did, we couldn’t find anything to watch since NONE OF US REALLY WATCH TV.
So we counted all the cows in her living room and kitchen. We stopped at 96, then we kept finding more, and Allie had a notepad that only she writes on, and I wrote that she had 96 cows, but then we kept finding more, to a total of 110, then we found even more, and we gave up.
Allie and C came back, and then we started talking in her room. We went downstairs and ate, then we went outside and played for a little while until dad picked me up.

5/6/06

Okay, this week has been so exciting, yet I am so tired of repeating the story. We went to California by train for two days. Which was ultimately delayed by three hours. Dad thought the experience was spetacular, but it was okay. We went because my aunt became sick from antibiotics and as she is 72, this is pretty simple “disease.”

We stayed at my great aunt’s house. The experience itself wasn’t particularly enriching- I had an essay to do, which I had to do on someone’s laptop.

We boarded the train once more, grandma cried! We watch 24 the entire way back and got through the first season. We were dealyed seven and a half hours this time, which only made me angrier.

When I got back, I found out that Riza has a new boytoy! Yeah, she does. This dude’s name is Zack. Mmph.

9 /14/06

Some dude: “You knit in class?”

Me: “Yeah. Our teacher said I could, so I kind of am.”

Some dude: “Oh. Knitting’s so cool, I wish I could knit.”

It’s the wrong time for somebody new.

This is the new, “epitome of my existence.” Enjoy.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
Y’know about the whole “thing” with Megan and Logan, right?

Phrawr says:
no

Phrawr says :
What’s up?

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
It’s not that big of a deal, I really shouldn’t care. But Megan and Logan have world history together and something happened and they were talking and he said that he was “subtly hitting on her.” Yeah, I shouldn’t care.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
BUT IT MAKES ME ALL PARANOID AND OMGZ

Phrawr says:
Ah

Phrawr says:
That sucks.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
I hate being a teenage girl

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
So now it makes me be all, omgz wut does she have that i dont have, and omgz logan doesnt want me and omgz someday theyre going to get married and have babies and ill be living alone in an apartment with hamsters and knitting christmas sweaters and talking to myself

Phrawr says:
Rofl

Phrawr says:
I’m so sorry for laughing at that but that was amazingly paranoid.
All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
Yar, that was the point. I tend to satirize myself.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
:D

Phrawr says:
Lol cool.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
Er, but yeah. I know Megan wouldn’t do anything to hurt me so I shouldn’t worry about it as much as I do. It just gets me angry how Logan, the person that I once thought was absolutely flawless (read: classy.), is so much of a douche that he’d explicitly flirt with my best friend.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
Even if flirting is natural or whatever.

Phrawr says:
Yeah…that kinda sucks.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
I think that maybe my primal instincts are finally kicking in after trying to suppress them for so long.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
Gosh, that sentence was awkward.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
After being suppressed for so long.*

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
I should just go up to him on Monday and punch him in the face during our math final.

Phrawr says:
Haha.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
That’ll teach him

Phrawr says:
Ooooh that would be amazing.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more. says:
It would!

I keep burning my fingers from trying to rekindle the flame

Today was a pretty good day.

My teacher: Which neurotransmitter is responsible for schizophrenia (and something else..)

Me: ACETYLCHOLINE!

My teacher: Wrong.

Me: I hate myself.

The class begins to laugh, thankfully. Before you jump to some weird conclusion of how outgoing I am, I’ll have you know we were in teams and were competing for extra credit. Which I need.

After school, I hung out with Heather. Then she left. And I found a dictionary of existentialism, which I totally saturated myself with for about twenty minutes before Zoe came. So we read “together” for a little while. Then Cameron came over and all hope was lost when it came to reading the book. For some strange reason, Cameron is pushing me to ask Logan to Tolo.

1. He doesn’t have the time.
2. I don’t particularly love him anymore.
3. I shouldn’t keep putting him in awkward positions like this.
4. Homecoming sucked.
5. I don’t really like him anymore.
6. I suck too much whenever I’m around him, even if I don’t like him anymore (note, this is the third time I’ve said it.)
7. The expected role of being really cuddly-wuddly wouldn’t wash too well with me.
8. We’d probably ignore each other the entire time.

And yet, when Caitlin Larson came into the library to talk with us, she said,”That’d be so cute!”Everyone else proceeded to encourage her. That made me feel really awkward, and for some reason, I couldn’t point out that I don’t really like him anymore. I guess all the certainties I had of the date-tion-ship thing we could possibly have were abrogated. Except only temporary.

I told Cameron that if he was so interested in this, then he can ask him for me. I don’t care. Except I have no real desire to go with him, and I’m pretty sure that if the rare occasion of Cameron asking him for me were to occur, he would say no. It’s a win-win situation. Not really.

But, of course, counterfactual thinking isn’t something I am particularly great at, being the cynic I am.

On Jezebel, there was an article citing what women want in their, omgz, dream man. I appreciate Jezebel’s approach on it, because, quite honestly, reading things like those on their website makes me feel less like a teenager. Which I appreciate greatly. But anyways. I have never given my “dream guy” much thought. When I was little, I had such ideas. As I grew older, I found no need for one. I like guys with blue eyes. But I don’t think it’s essential to whomever I may choose as a mate. I couldn’t tolerate a stupid guy, but then again, that’s just my standard. It’s not a dream necessarily, it’s a standard. A Dream Person seems like one that is either unattainable or nonexistent. I don’t have that many rigid guidelines when it comes to a mate for I am pretty flexible, really. I don’t know. I’ve never pondered that idea too closely.

Hah, I’ve come to the realization that perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed of the fact that I talk about people that I like and all that stuff that is related to adolescence. I have already differentiated myself from my peers enough. Except I’ll continue to dislike it when I act like a teenager.

In your memory you’re drunk on your autonomy

Anthony says (9:31 PM):
all > velveeta
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:31 PM):
Velveeta is the end-all, be-all of human existence.
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
so on that note
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
enough about cheeses
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
its making this conversation rather cheesey
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
BAHAHAHAHA
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
HA
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
HAHAHA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
Lama.
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
AAH
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
AHAHAHA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
Lame*
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
lskjdflskjdf
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
LLAMA
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
;WOIAJEOG;IJAWEO;GTJAO;WEJG
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
Go die.
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
LLAMA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
s;ldkf;sldkf
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
/llama
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
dlfkjg;ldsjgf
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
I hate you.
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
alsjf;ask
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
=D llama
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
como se llama?
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
jajaja
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
asjfls;akjdf
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
have you pet your llama lately
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
como se llama de tu llama?
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
jajajaja
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
what do you call your llama
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
Oh, god.
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
lskajdflksjdf
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
I hate yooouuuuu
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
jajaja

_____

‘Nuff said. This conversation made me laugh unbearably.

Two-headed boy, pt. 2

But anyways. I finished reading Dante’s Inferno, and sure, it was only at the expense of my vocal chords. Man, I hate this retainer with a passion. It dramatically slows down the rate at which I can speak. Aw, annoying. I can’t say I got alot out of reading it, which is a shame. I have to read over it again anyways to do the dialectic notes, so I guess I have another opportunity to fully understand this book.

… Oh, but at least I caught an allusion to the New Testament, which totally was not in the notes at the end of the canto. I just hope it’s the right time period, or whatever. Something about No’s and Yes’. It’s neat, though. It proves my biblical aptitude, and seeing as the entire class is aware of my atheism, I think they’ll be a bit surprised. Even if I am completely unable to verbalize it directly. I recall this during circle time:

Me: Uh, yeah. My worst holiday was last year when I told my parents about my, uh… disbelief, in uh…

Someone: Santa Claus?!

(Immediately, I thought of the whole, “wow, it’s amazing how similar Santa Claus and Jesus are!” But I didn’t say anything. I decided to be nice.)

Me: Yes, Santa Claus.

I’m just scared to death of verbalizing it like that in front of everyone. I’m afraid of offending someone. When you’re speaking to someone personally, it’s easier since you probably know them well enough to disclose that. But when you’re speaking to a room of twenty people with various degrees of religiosity, it freaks you out a bit. But then again, if I make it a big deal like that, maybe I’m making it worse for myself. Honestly, though, it’s very difficult for me to say it in front of everyone.

I went outside to shovel the driveway with my mom. It took less than five minutes but when I came back inside, I was absolutely soaked. Not to mention that within fifteen minutes, the driveway was snowed over again. Yeah, I’m not going to go outside four times an hour just to ensure the driveway is snow-free.

I am trying to brainstorm ideas for the dresses, or whatever, that I’m going to make. I have one or two good ideas right now, although, I”m not sure how they will turn out. One dress is going to be the same as the dress I wore for freshman, mostly because the pattern is extraordinarily easy to recreate and I could make it in just a few hours. The other dress, though, I’m not sure about. I also have to find something to cover up my arms so I don’t get too cold, since these events are in February and March. So, I’m going to try and make sure the dresses coordinate with one another so I could just use one sweater instead of buying two. The fabric, I’m not sure about, either. I have a few dresses a family friend gave me, and perhaps, I could use that fabric instead of the usual cotton/polyester fabric I use. I just hate shiny fabrics, or anything too fancy. I just feel like I should go with the fancier fabrics because it’s an event like that. Even if I shouldn’t feel obliged at all, since the reason why I’m making my dress in the first place is so it would be something I would be comfortable in, and something that I really like. And anyways, fashion rules are so 2007.

Especially since it’s pretty much expected for me to make my dress for any occasion like this. Allie’s mother got on the phone when I was talking to Allie and asked me if I was going to make my dress for her party. Any time I talk about a dance or a party or any occasion, really, where I wear a dress, someone will almost always ask me if I made the dress that I’m wearing. It’s really complimentary, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I were to say that it doesn’t put stress on me. When it comes to the things I create, of course I want to make people proud of me, or be in awe of whatever I make. Even if it’s not my direct intent, I do want people to be surprised at whatever I make, because, quite honestly, people don’t sew their own clothes anymore, and it does take alot of work. There’s a reason why people switched to readymade clothing so quickly. Well, after it was made affordable to them.

I went to St. Vinnie’s yesterday, which was a bit fun. I found two bibles, which were given to me for free, as well as two religious pamphlets for a nickel. One of the pamphlets you fill in on your own- oh, I’m having so much fun with that. It’s turning out wonderfully. I also found some old maps, which I’m going to turn into book covers. It’s going to look so cool. I found the cutest embroidery book, although, my embroidery aptitude is very limited. I got a book on sergers, which was a great find for me, yeah. All under three dollars, too. Life is good when you’re at the thrift store, even if it means that I get Enrique Iglesias stuffed down my throat.

Oh, and by the way: Thank you, Psychology Today, for always putting the sleaziest articles on the front cover. My mother now lovingly names it, “the perverted magazine.” I’m honestly thinking of unsubscribing since all they report on lately is the most useless things. Unscientific things. Psychology is a scientific field, and is not about sex and work and all that stuff, only. Obviously, these headlines have probably resulted in more sales and that’s why they continue to do it. But it’s making me look like a fool to my parents, man.

This place is void of all passion

… “if you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort, I wrote a reminder- this wasn’t a vision. This time, where are you, houston? Is somebody out there, will somebody listen? Should I go back? I feel alone and tired. I hope I won’t forget you.”

I finally got up the balls to initiate AmandaMorning with Logan. After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that he is not a morning person. AmandaMorning was dramatically cut short with him because he had to do his chapter review upstairs or something. Thankfully, though, since our conversation was mostly about how we don’t have anything to talk about, with an overwhelmingly jaded tone. And about golfing. I actually told him about that book that I saw that I was going to get him. He said it was a good thing that I didn’t get it for him. An elaboration of that statement would have been nice, but I did not receive one. I guess I’m not much of a morning person, either, but I do a great job at acting like I am!

On the way back to the cafeteria, I saw this homie that I felt some sort of attraction to. His name is Christian. I went to elementary school with him.

Me: “So, Christian, how are you? How are things? How have the last four years been for you?”

Christian: “Pretty fun… Not. I attempted to commit suicide plenty of times.”

The first sentence turned me off, mostly because the last word was dramatically postponed. I thought he had ended his sentence and was about to speak. On his very poignant statement, uh, was he trying to end the conversation? The rest of the morning, we were in search of his friends. Well, he was in search of his friends. I’m trying really hard to not interpret that act as one to get me to go away. We went around in circles and I managed to ask him which religion/belief system he associates himself with. He said none. But he isn’t atheistic. I was hoping he was, though. I won’t go so far as to call him a superstitious idiot, but I’m a bit bummed out.

… But I was still really attracted to him, so we hugged before I left.

Despite my overwhelming sense of confidence, after this very hormonal morning, I was shaking. Yeah, I was really nervous.

I wonder, if I should do this on Monday. I don’t think people appreciate being coerced into spending time with another person, especially when it’s someone who is a very poor conversationalist. Obviously, there are people to meet and things to do within that hour before school starts. But gosh- it could get good, somehow?

I am astonished by my absolute confidence when it came to striking up AmandaMorning, though. I hadn’t thought about it all that much, so I just went up to either guy and made them spend time with me. No contemplation, no hesitation. Not bad, given my track record. Hmm. No wonder people think of me as an only child when they first meet me- I’m a bit selfish, no?

But whatever. I have tons of things to justify it. The spice of life is to keep surprising yourself. I’m the only person who can make things happen in my life. I need to talk to new people, anyways. And, it strengthens my reputation of randomly appearing and disappearing within peoples’ lives. Thank you.

If you want love, you know where it’s at.

Gosh, I’m in love with RedRedBlue. It’s another Gatsby side project, haha. The lyrics throw me off, though, since all of the songs I’ve heard have pretty violent lyrics. Which completely turns me off, but it’s ridiculously catchy. I find myself singing, “And if you want love, you know where it’s at, and if you run away, I’ll get my claws in your back, and I’m just kidding, I guess we’ll see about that because it all depends who lies, I decide who dies!” Er, yah. Creepy, but catchy.

But anyways. Here I am, questioning my sexuality once more. The more I think about it, the more I realize that labeling my preferences is getting tiresome. Quite honestly, I think that when I try to find a term to describe my orientation, it just makes matters even worse. I’m fine with the way that I am, I just roll with the punches, really, but when it comes to describing it for people, it makes matters even worse. It’s not the societal implications of my orientation- frankly, people are really open about things lately. I don’t really care about how people perceive my preferences (oh, alliteration!) because I’m in my own little world, yeah.

When it comes down to it, yeah, I’m attracted to people. I am attracted to very few people, but I am nonetheless. But whenever I see people I am attracted to, the sensation is no different than that of looking at a pretty painting, or something. The same thing goes for my sex drive. I don’t care about sex all that much, I don’t spend alot of time thinking about it, either. That’s a pretty meaningful thing to say, seeing as my sex drive should be at its peak at this age. I should be thinking about it all the time- before meals and after snacks, although, I only think about it when I’m trying to figure out what I “am.”

Whatever. I’m going to be whatever I “am” and deal with it. If I like dudes and chicks, or neither, that’s fine.

My dad found a job for when he retires. It’s really great, since it’s what he’s always wanted. He’s going to be working pretty far away, though. At least he’ll bring home Krispy Kreme donuts every now and then.

Oh, and by the way, my braces are coming off next week. My parents care about it more than I do, but I suppose that’s for the best. I like my braces, actually. I’m not making a huge deal out of it, though. I haven’t told anyone yet.

Best conversation ever:

Court *naf says:
lol you know what’s weird, i was thinking how funny it would be for trish and cj to go to a movie theater that had the arm rests that you pull down…they would be afraid of showing the wrong message
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says :
haha, oh god
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I have never thought of that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
But that’s really funny.
Court *naf says:
lol, i know, i mean really you don’t want to repel them, but you might not want them to apply the yawn and stretch lol
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I was thinking about how I’d react to the situation
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
and I’d just be like, k, I’ll put my arms around you, I don’t care.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I would seriously say that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
It doesn’t matter if I’m the woman, I’ll do it if you want
Court *naf says:
lol i can see you doing that…i’m not that outgoing
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
enjoy the perfume
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m far too straightforward for everyone
Court *naf says:
lol it’s not bad, i would just sit there uncomfortably until the guy did something
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha
Court *naf says:
that’s how lame i am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
that’s how lame I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Actually, it’d probably be like, I’m not in the mood for being touched right now so don’t even think about it
Court *naf says:
your’s isn’t lame, you do something, i just sit there hoping i don’t have to make a decision
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha, aw
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
but this is the Jimenez gene I have
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
EVERY GIRL ON MY MOM’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY SUCKS AT GETTING A MATE
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Because they are too honest
Court *naf says:
i’m sorry
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’d be good at it, maybe. Too many people think that I’m cool right now to realize how insensitive I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Or something, I don’t know.
Court *naf says:
ok, well being too quiet doesn’t work well either…
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I suppose, yeah
Court *naf says:
well there
Court *naf says:
is a difference between being insensitive and mean
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
xD
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m not mean, or at least, I don’t try to be. But when I’m in a situation in which I feel awkward, I do something to ram right through the awkwardness
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
So I usually dull the situation with my dry humor or my winning sarcasm

Jeebus, that’s the epitome of my existence.

My brain salutes you!

As does Turkules, from planet Turkulon. SuperNews is so am**ing. (If I have not said this before, I will no longer use the word am**ing. Never, ever again.)

Dick Cheney: Michael, look, Jesus had to die in order for there to be Easter, and these guys have to die in order for there to be Thanksgiving!

Michael Moore: That’s a horrible thing to say!

Dick Cheney: Am I wrong?

Indian chief: I can see that both of you are great chiefs, because you are fat, and only men of great influence can afford to eat as much as you obviously do. But you cannot change the course of history. For example, if you roll these dice and come up with a seven or eleven, I will double your money, but if you roll a two, three, or twelve, I will take your money.

Some indian woman: Honey, what are you doing?

Indian chief: Hey, have you seen those guns they have? They’re like magic killing sticks! We need an angle here, baby!

Aww, am**ing.

Anyways.

I forgot to set one of my clocks backwards in my room and I was freaking out over not being dressed for the festival of trees. I thought I would never make that mistake on THAT clock. But I guess I am too lazy to get up, walk three feet, and change the time on the clock and would prefer to change my entire mindset instead. This is the epitome of human existence.

Yar, I have a total of four things on my christmas list and my brother has about twenty. No, more than twenty. Because clearly, he has more time to waste than I do, and video games are the only things he can possibly think about. I have to say, his dreams must be the most uneventful ones imaginable. liek, omgz halo, yah!

I got started on my Amanda original letters for everyone for Christmas. I have Phar, Riza, Cody, Megan, Angela, Shelley, Mary, Cameron, and Amelia down. That’s only half of the people I have planned. I need to curtail this list of Holiday Happiness, though, because it’s going to stress me out so much. Don’t worry, every time I say something I’ve said in another letter, I punch myself and make myself write it again in a cooler way. Given this process, the first letter I write is going to be the worst letter, and the last one I write is going to be the best letter. This isn’t really fair, no. But they shouldn’t complain because I’m willing to go through, draft after draft, PAGE AFTER PAGE, to write for them. Not to mention the gift that will be enclosed. Not to mention that I’m wasting my life and could be doing my FST homework.

Oh, and concerning the people in my family and THEIR presents. I have no clue. Does this make me a bad person? Yah, it definitely does. OH BUT NO! I’ll make hats. Done, and done.

I’ve been reading Human Nature and Conduct by John Dewey. I bought this book at the thrift store, and it’s about seventy years old. I love it so far. I love the way he writes, especially the vocabulary he uses. I don’t know half of the words he uses- which makes it even more enjoyable. I love words. Another reason to love him- he’s a pragmatist.

I’m just going to say this because I’ve been tracking the process here for several weeks now. Yes, my hair is finally cut. Thank you, and G** bless.

And on that lovely note…
How could I have forgotten?

I married the madness that left me alone in the dark

… “Wrote her a letter, ‘I’ll shiver without you tonight,” I did everything right, I did everything I thought was right.”

Did Black Friday. I woke up at one twenty or so. Since one twenty, I’ve slept a total of one hour and ten minutes. So, essentially, I slept for about five hours last night? AND I’M STILL ROLLIN’!

But anyways, it was freaking freezing. Oh, and we got a huuuuuuge tv. I don’t understand why. But we now have one. Somehow, it reminds me of the whole barn scenario, even if I was there when we bought the tv, haha. But anyways. There wasn’t enough room for me in the car, given the tv, so I had to sit on top of the box. Yes, teh box. It was very awkward and uncomfortable. And it certainly made me feel loved, too.

My little brother is begging for a DS Lite. He already has a DS. Mind you, that’s the second DS that has been in this household, because the first one Andy received for Christmas last year. He decided that he didn’t like it, and gave it back to my father along with twenty dollars. Gosh- CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME.

But don’t get me wrong- he can always make me smile. Like this instance:

Andy: OMGZ I’m going to put my ornament next to Santa Claus!

Me: It’s not something to applaud necessarily, seeing as the ornament symbolizing Santa Claus has dreads.

Andy: He’s going gangster.

Me: Gangsters don’t have dreads.

*Andy picks up Santa Claus*

Andy: Yo.

So lame, haha.

Uh, but yeah. I think I’m going to not care and start digging Fall Out Boy again. I should give them another shot, since I loved their first couple of records. Oh, Honorable Mention, how I loved you so.

Anyways. Time for a subject change.

naive:
Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system; one who still tries to do things in an intuitive way, rather than the right way (in really good designs these coincide, but most designs aren’t “really good” in the appropriate sense). This trait is completely unrelated to general maturity or competence or even competence at any other specific program. It is a sad commentary on the primitive state of computing that the natural opposite of this term is often claimed to be “experienced user” but is really more like “cynical user”.

So, am I naive? My friends consider me to be naive, but then again, they equate naivety with innocence, which I think is irrelevant.

I tend to think of people as better than they actually are. It’s quite illogical for me to think this way, but I suppose it is just to comfort myself. Because, in the most reasonable sense, people have no reason to have one drop of goodness within them- just because we exist and have higher intelligence than other living organisms on this planet, it doesn’t have to mean that we are better than they are morally. And it’s not like goodness is quantifiable, either.

It troubles me to think that a person can inflict pain on another person for no apparent reason, mostly because I don’t do that myself. I don’t have any secrets; I try to remain as honest as I can with people, and for that reason, it’s hard for me to imagine a person with intentions that are not immediately apparent. That isn’t to say that I do not keep things from people, everyone does that, but I do not actively try to keep an aspect of myself or of my life hidden from people.
… And for that reason, I find myself somewhat naive.

The concept of rumination just weirds me out, yeah. Because when it comes down to it, I end up defining myself when I reflect on those things. But that’s the antithesis of whatever I try to accomplish when I ruminate, because when you start defining things, it ends defining what you should be, not how you are. And quite honestly, I’m a walking contradiction, so defining myself is quite difficult. That could be said about anyone, though.

Normally, I don’t care about how other people perceive me. When I started questioning my sexuality, one of the things that held me off of coming out to people was that Amanda shouldn’t be interested in people who happen to have an extra X chromosome. But I really am. All of my social connotations are equated with the term, Amanda, while the way I see myself or how I perceive things is how I see them. I suppose it makes sense, since reference to the third person implies a social context. I don’t know if that’s universal, though. I would hope that it is, but I cannot assure myself that.
Oh, Amanda is so cute and innocent. But in actuality, I’m just being myself, and I don’t see myself as cute or innocent. It’s amazing how far off-base people are when they first meet me. People often think that I’m extremely religious because of how I look and act, I suppose. Because of that, they wouldn’t dare question my sexual orientation. Oh, and most people find me to be extremely stupid when they meet me, too. But that’s only when I do not use every seventy-five cent word that comes to mind.

Dear god, I cry almost every time I watch this. I absolutely love My So-Called Life, despite the overwhelming angst. Unfortunate, though, that it lasted only twenty episodes. And that I watch them, on repeat, sometimes.

It’s a glorious day

… “And my lonely heart is tired again, I would starve for your attention. Ever since you went away, I miss you more every day.”

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m pretty angry at you right now.

Debbie ftl! :
I realized that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
How so? I didn’t think I made it glaringly obvious until now

Debbie ftl!:
You’ve just been avoiding me lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you care, or do you just want to stop this friendship thing?

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Because the only reason why I’m angry is because I don’t feel like you care about me

Debbie ftl!:
Of course I care, and I’m not a person who justs ends friendships like that.

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t see why you got to that conclusion.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I don’t know, it’s just that things haven’t been like they were before

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I keep thinking that you don’t want me around or I’m annoying you or something

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, no.

Debbie ftl!:
I just have a lot of things going on with me right now.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So you don’t hate me or anything and you want to stay friends

Debbie ftl!:
Basically…but if you don’t want to be friends, then that’s your decision…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again. :
Of course I want to stay friends with you. I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while that you care, yeah.

Debbie ftl!:
Alright, but I’m not really good at that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
but you were before

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, well I haven’t been feeling so great lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Why not?

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t know.

Debbie ftl!:
Because I suck.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I’m waiting for you to elaborate further, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to happen

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So this means I can see you in the mornings again and instant message you freely now

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
:D

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, I guess, they’re your decisions, not mine.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
When you say things like that, it feels like you don’t want me around

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
That’s the point

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you want me to hang around you anymore?

Debbie ftl!:
Yea…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Okay.

________

So, I guess things are fine with us. I don’t know. I still feel a bit uneasy but I’m hoping things are going to get better. For some reason, even if that’s what I said before, I don’t feel like I said the entire truth. No, I know exactly why I didn’t tell her the entire truth. But I will still stand by what I said earlier, during the summer:

“I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.”

I suppose the idea that I can inflict emotional pain on another person surprises me. I’ve always found that ability absolutely impractical so I’ve never made a point to use it. I’ve always tried so hard to keep myself from hurting other people. It’s not that I’m a people-pleaser, I suppose I like to stay neutral with everyone. Absolutely indifferent, yeah.

But lately, especially with Debbie, I haven’t been trying to remain indifferent. Quite the contrary. Shelley and Mary were talking to me about how Debbie is growing up and how she’s growing out of me our friendship. It’s so weird knowing that you, or your relationship with someone, can be considered a phase. Temporary, secondary, far from essential and some kind of “natural selection,” figuratively speaking, of course.

Mary and Shelley also told me that I am the physical manifestation of beauty? They were quite serious about it, too. It’s a huge compliment, I will not deny that. To state it frankly- I’ve never taken the time to think about whether I think I am attractive or not. It’s a sad thing, yeah, but I’ve always remained neutral when it comes to those things. I find it very pointless to do so. I dislike how physical beauty is not something that is deserved; it’s something that you are given. Like a dog or a waffle maker. And yet, it ultimately determines how likely one will be to pass on their genes- as sad as it is, that is how we’ve evolved to see whether a person is compatible to be with and if we can achieve genetic diversity with that person. I dislike how much value we place on physical beauty, because it’s not something one can help or detract.

With me, even if I may be physically attractive, I do not value it that much. I do not work to accentuate my physical attributes. My intellect is the thing I truly value about myself, and that is something I can help. I can always learn more things and gain new perspectives on life. Despite the “technological” advances we have reached to change the way we are, I don’t think I will embrace those as much as I do with intellectual change. I will not say that I hate how attractive I supposedly am, because without it, I probably would not be so lucky as I am now socially. I know how shallow that sounds, but that is how people are. This is how we’ve evolved to be- that’s another thing we cannot help.

And so, people love me. Three people, yeah. It’s a bit weird for me to realize because I like who I am, but I didn’t think other people saw it, too. Not to mention that:

a.) One of them just keeps annoying me and pushes themselves on me. I mean, really- I’m not touchy-feely in the first place, and she’s all over me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand her, either, but I won’t go there for now.

b.) Yah, the other one has a boyfriend. She’s not one that I have to worry about.

c.) I’m not sure if this one’s serious. Actually, no, she’s very serious.

I don’t dig any of these people back. I wish one of them would just leave me alone but that won’t happen since I’ve known her for too long. The thing I hate, though, is that she is just being this way now because she knows that I can dig girls. I dig girls, but not her. I don’t think I ever will like her in that way, because she annoys me so much.