Best day ever

Sup. I cried when I got my AP grade report but yo, I got a five on my exam. So freaking jazzed about this, guys. I worked hard and it worked out in the end. My homie did really well on his exams, so we are going to conquer the world together.

… Man, my ambition can get me anywhere. I also totally raised all my grades at the end of the year, so when I received my report card, the lowest grade was a B-. Life is good.

This is the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the last day of school, and since teachers don’t even take attendance, no one went to classes. Essentially, I spent the entire time with Cody. We had lunch afterwards and then I went to work.

Some time during school, though, I have to say, it became pretty interesting. He held me. He actually held me. For the first time ever, it truly felt like we were a couple, or whatever. We were in, more or less, constant physical contact. It was nice, which surprised me. I loved it, actually. I did not want yesterday to end. God, I mean, the hugest (and only) reason why I did not like him was, well, because I did not think I could enjoy those sorts of moments with him.

So, now what. I have discovered a new part of human existence. I understand people better now. I am at a part in my life where I realize that this is how you can make your life better. The somewhat (okay, almost entirely) sexual aspect of human existence. That is so strange to me. This is all completely beyond me.

But, of course, I have been ignoring the specifics. I do not want to think about it, but I should write it all down, and coerce myself into oblivion.

I like him. We have that down. I have liked him for about a week now. It was not particularly a decision on my part, but I know that my feelings for him are isolated from the situation we are put in for now. For some strange reason, he just looked nicer one day. And stayed looking that nice for a while longer. I was not going to say anything, because I did not want to make this any more complex than it already is; I did not want to mess things up, yeah. I can’t say that it is exactly safe now to declare it either, but whatever. I know he does not like me back. I do not feel dejected about it, either. I do not even feel weird simultaneously thinking about everything that happened yesterday between us and the fact that he does not like me. I just keep telling myself that he was just being nice to me, and that thought is satisfying enough for me.

I do not know where we are going to go from here. But god knows that I am not going to say anything about the way I feel to him. I do not want to mess things up any more than I have already. Hearing him say directly that he does not like me right now, would definitely hurt my feelings. Knowing that he does not like me from what he has said before and hearing him say it now are two completely different things. The first implies that something could have changed, the second does not, and perhaps that is the reason why I do not mind thinking about it, but I care about talking about it.

I do not know what to do with myself, though. I feel like that was the last time anything like this would ever happen- I do not like that idea, but I really think that extent of closeness I felt yesterday, was the closest we will ever be. Of course, I welcome alternative possibilities, though.

I am probably thinking about this too much and blowing it out of proportion. No, I am blowing this out of proportion, but that is nothing new.

And it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets

…”You might spend your life alone. And you don’t want to be alone. When you think too much, and you came to another game, despondent, out of touch. And you reach so hard it makes you fall, for these hands that let you go, they shouldn’t let you go at all. They shouldn’t let you go at all.”

Yesterday was a pretty nice day, up until the denouement. Cody and I went to Old Town Port Orchard and spent most of our time looking at the antique stores. It was fun. And uh, of course a description of such a day would not be complete without the inclusion of the subsequent breaking off of things. Indeed, I broke up with my first boyfriend and one of my best friends yesterday afternoon. I can’t say that I feel any less irresolute than I had beforehand, if anything, I’m doubting myself more than ever. But I needed to make a decision. I had every reason to break it off. And mom was right when she said that I’m a fool to think that our friendship was going to remain the same afterward. And when she said I would regret it. Even if he is making a point to hurt me as much as he can. However, I need to stay secure in my decision to break things off with him, as much as it hurts to do so right now.

Hah, I gave up so much for this. I really wanted it to work. But after coming to the conclusion that I no longer felt romantically inclined toward him, and after realizing that deluding myself into thinking I could change that accomplished nothing, I knew that I had to do something about it. It was unfair to him to stay in the relationship longer than necessary.

God, I feel terrible. Even if I had as much power possible in this situation, I feel so listless right now. But still, I need return to my previous conviction, in that I fully believe that I did the right thing.

And, oh, how I’d remember you

… “and how I’d push my fingers through your mouth to make those muscles move that made your voice so smooth and sweet!”

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea has been my favorite song lately. I keep getting more and more interested in Neutral Milk Hotel, really.

But uh, yeah, sorry for the lack of updates. It’s either been preoccupational distress, self-induced or not, that leads me to work or repulsed by it. Leading me away from the computer. Yeah.

Uh, I’ve been drafting this in my head for a while, but now that I’ve actually arrived, the eloquence has been lost. Sorry. But I’ll do my best to follow through with this.

So, I’m afraid of graduating. I went to that Running Start orientation meeting at school a few days ago. Clearly, this is for those confident academics that feel they are aware of the career path that is, indeed, comparable to moving out to the west. (Uh, manifest destiny. Thinkin’ about those Giants in the Earth, yeah.) I have no idea as to what I want to do when I get out of college. Or out of high school, same difference. The only thing I have ever had a passion for is english. I mean, science may come and go- this interest I have in evolution may leave me sooner than I expect- but I’ve always been great with english. The only job that was listed on WOIS (yeah, that place) that seemed to fit me somehow that wasn’t totally degrading was, indeed, “proofreader.” One word. So like, companies hire them to look over their stuff? Yeah. That’s as far as I went with the thought. Sociology is the second choice. I know that evolutionary psychology will get me nowhere.

I have so many important decisions that I am going to have to make, very soon. Not to mention the AP test that is within a month. In fact, a month from tomorrow is the day I have my AP test. I have to also get assessed for Running Start, y’know, pay the fifteen bucks and go to the testing center and get that done and over with. Oh, and scholarships, because as much as dad tries to assure me that he’ll pay for school and my housing as soon as I get out of high school- I know there’s no way we can afford to do that. Even if the college/university I’ll be attending has to be in-state, because it’s cheaper. As much as I want to go to Oxford or Cambridge. Yeah.

A sip for every second-hand tick

… “And every time you fed the line, ‘you mean so much to me!””

Today has been so strange and eventful and exciting, man. Things really aren’t that bad. Dude, like, omgz I am even more crazysexycool than I once thought.

Gosh, sorry to be so vague, guys. I’d be more open if I could, but as exciting as it was, I am very unsure as to what life is going to be like from now on. I’m not sure if changes are even going to take place. I have all the hope in the world right now but I admit- I’m a bit afraid of whatever is going to come. Yeah, I am reminded of a conversation from a few days ago:

Phar: “Amanda, are you afraid of intimacy?”

Me: “Er, I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of intimacy. If anything, I’m repulsed by it.”

Phar: “Which means you’re afraid of intimacy.”

Me: “I guess.”

That reminds me of Schacter’s Two-Factor Theory. People respond emotionally to situations according to the way they perceive it. Now that I have this label, a label that indicates some sort of problem within a well-adjusted person, I am unsure as to how to approach this.

I think I am going to tag my entries all over again. I need to organize this thing more. As time-consuming as it may be.

I received my essay back from my English teacher. I am very proud of myself- I’ve earned another A on an essay, and I worked really hard to achieve that. I feel very satisfied with myself right now.

Oh, it hurts to be this good.

Today was a pretty huge day.

And you won’t ever know how much I care!

Aw, I’m in love with this I and the Universe stuff. Even if it’s only four songs, and one of them is basically the same verse on repeat.

My english teacher called me up and tried to talk to me again today. I was calmer and thus able to speak coherently. He is the strongest person I know, and I don’t doubt that even now. But he said to me, “The water’s under the bridge, but I know it hurts. I’ve been living with that kind of pain for the past forty-four years. It feels the same as it did when it first happened- can you believe it?”

It was strange. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I felt so awkward- I began shaking, I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, it was a stupid overestimation, but one cannot control the things the body does at that point. It was surprising, I suppose, because I had expected him to gloss over it and explain how things get better, how the pain will go away, how I’ll grow old and forget about it, how I’ll mature and outgrow it. I appreciate, though, that he didn’t lie to me about it just to make me feel better. I’m really going to miss having him as a teacher next year, since he’s retiring.

__

Time for teen angst. And really stupid verbs used incorrectly, such as, “like.” (Really, I hate using this term but it is the easiest and shortest term available to describe my thought)

I dig my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I know- stupid. I can’t stand myself because of it. I know nothing will ever happen and if he were to attempt to advance our friendship, I would ultimately be forced to reject him because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were to betray her. I spend tons of time with him now, which I also cannot stand because of how weird I get. And the guilt of flirting with him, whatever that means.

And then there’s this other guy that rides my bus. He’s somewhat older than I am, but he’s much more fun than the person I’ve mentioned already. He’s political, witty, funny, POLITICAL, and charismatic. Megan said that morally, this guy is the better choice since I wouldn’t be betraying anyone. She also said that he’s more well-rounded than the other homeskillet. The thing is, though, I’m a year his junior and we spend virtually no time together. I have spanish class with him and we sometimes sit next to each other on the bus, but that is the extent to which I speak to him. I would love to speak to him more. Perhaps I should express this, but I do not want it to become weird since I hardly know him.

The only tiebreaker seems to be that the second dude is more mature. And that I wouldn’t hurt anyone in the process of courtship.

And the fact that expending my resources on this part of my life is not the most responsible thing to do. I went to the Cambridge and Oxford University websites, and it was such a reality-check for me. First, the costs are outrageous. Second, Cambridge recommends for undergraduate students from the United States to be within the top one percent of their class for him or her to be considered for admission. Decidedly, my grades aren’t terrible, but they could definitely be better and if I want to do well- if I want to do whatever I plan on doing- I’d better be prepared academically.

The only thing that really motivates me is to become independent, and college is the way to get there. It may not be complete and utter autonomy, but it is closer to whatever sort of state I’m in now. I want to be able to live up to my own standards and beliefs and not be tied down by those that my parents have. In order to achieve this, I have to do well. If anything, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from becoming absolutely hopeless.

By the way, “charismatic,” is one of the best adjectives to use to describe someone. It’s so complimentary, at least to me, to be described as “charismatic.”

Yesterday gave me a lot of things to think about. Basically, I’m living last January all over again. Man, I didn’t like him the first time he liked me and he digs me again. And it only makes me feel more agitated by him. Because he acts all hyper when he wants my attention. asdjfowiejklsjd Why do I have to be so cool? :3

I wrote about this in my writing-journal-thing and it came out pretty nicely. I bought that moleskine notebook a few weeks ago with Riza and I decided to use it. I want to fill this notebook up even if it’s not really a notebook. It’s more like a steno pad. Which is unfortunate because it’s very difficult to write on- but I had an epiphany that was basically, “OH! That’s what the elastic is for!” and it solved all my problems. Everyone has their brilliant moments, haha.

I’m staying home from school today because I am sick. I couldn’t stay home earlier this week because I had so much to do. But, uh, this gets me out of the orthodontic appointment even if I wasn’t dreading it that much? :S

My project with Megan went brilliantly. I’m pretty proud of how well we pulled it off. We had practiced through lunch and that was the most of our efforts. We had to have it memorized, but we managed to do it all pretty nicely. And I loved throwing a sammich at her, even if I didn’t really throw it at her. I didn’t want to throw a sammich in her face during our presentation. She stresses out too much as it is. So I threw it to the right of her. Except earlier we were playing around and I threw a sammich at her right boob. That was awkward.

Next week is testing week for most of the school. Except for me, because I took the test early. So I have about fifteen hours next week to do absolutely nothing. Why, oh, WHY, did I have to be sick the week before that? Uncool.

Uh, we have Cinnamon Toast Crunch so it’s kind of okay? Even if I cannot taste it? And I might throw it up later today? Oh, Amanda, your attempts at optimism are overwhelming.

Sometimes I worry that I’ve lost the plot

“I set my watch to the atomic clock, I hear the crowd count down ’til the bomb gets dropped. I always figures that there’d be time enough. I never let it get me down, but I can’t help it now. Looking for faces in the clouds. I got some friends I barely see, but we’re all planning to meet. We’ll lay in bags as dead as leaves all together for eternity.”

I went to Tolo. It was much more fun than I had expected it to be, although, it further confirmed my (somewhat) embarrassment of being single. Maybe I’m just lonely, but I don’t know. It really sucked being there during the slow dances, which, unfortunately, did not come to my attention much at Homecoming. But you guys know why. And that fact made me almost cry because it really showed how dramatically things have changed- and will remain- within the last couple of months.

Normally I find opportunities like those as times to appreciate myself and how wonderful I am- y’know, forget everyone else. But somehow it was very difficult for me to do that for myself. For some reason, it felt like a huge lie that I’ve been telling myself just to get by. And it worked. And I’ll make it continue to work, because I cannot afford to let myself elapse right now. There are some people that I could certainly fall for right now, and as tired as I am of trying to protect other people and keep myself on their good side, I will continue to restrict myself from caring too much or getting too attached because eventually it will be too complex and dramatic for anything to matter anymore.

It’s spectacular, really. I mean, I don’t have much of a desire to even have a boyfriend or whatever, but there isn’t much stopping me from feeling incredibly lonely. It annoys me how that is the only part of my life that hasn’t changed within the last couple of years. How I only get prettier, smarter, and more clever, but no one really cares.

I say what they tell me to say.

I had a pretty satisfying day. I went to see Juno with Riza (which is a total keeper. Sorry to sound like everyone else on this planet, but it was the best movie I’ve seen in a while.) We had a heart-to-heart moment afterwards while we were at the mall, which seems to happen every time we congregate. There was a going-out-of-business sale (which was code for, “Barnes and Noble is taking all of our business ever since last Christmas when they conquered the mall.”) and everything was twenty five percent off, while the clearance stuff was an additional seventy five percent off. I bought the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe for a little under three bucks. And man, it’s COMPLETE. The book is about three inches thick. Oh, love.

I studied until midnight and couldn’t fall back asleep. At least I figured out to get my tv working again.  Sadly,  I still have two three more finals to study for. Stress, man.

I wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend

You know, I think I’m becoming the kind of person that I want to be. I may not be perfect for anyone else’s standards, but I’m perfect enough for me.

We went to Uwajimaya today. I saw these Chinese New Year envelopes, which sent me down Memory Lane. Jennifer gave me those in sixth grade to celebrate. I don’t know where it is now, but it meant alot to me at the time and I really wish I had it back.

Tomorrow is school again. I’m looking forward to it, just a little, because I’m glad to be a philanthropist again.

There is an ad calling for interns for this magazine in Seattle. Yeah, it’s an editing thing. Perhaps I could give it a shot. I don’t think they’d accept me because I am so young, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. I mean, if this whole evolutionary psychology deal doesn’t work out, then I could at least fall back on my editing skills.

… Despite my supreme sense of self, I desire change. I think I really need it. I don’t know if I need new people, new hair, a new attitude, whatever- I think I need change. But I won’t force change to occur, I’m just saying that I think I need it.

Another thing about coercion- I think that this attempt to get over that dude I dig has potential to be a successful one. More so than the others, mostly because the facts are too real to ignore, man. Something about this attempt has clicked, finally the emotions I feel and the reality of whatever is going on are in sync. Even if I feel really lonely now, for some reason.

I feel a bit weird, though. He was, essentially, the only excuse I had to be like, “Yeah, I’m not a weirdo. I can dig people.” And now I’m stuck wondering what’s next. Maybe I should expand my world of dudes. Or just get past the social prejudice I hold against the potential mates around me. It sucks that everyone in my group of friends date each other, or have once dated each other. Gosh, why can’t I just step outside the box and date some completely obscure guy? Man, this is getting really annoying. Don’t get me wrong- I don’t need a boyfriend or anything. I don’t need anyone. I guess I just need something to preoccupy myself with.

I don’t know, it’s weird. There are very few people that I am attracted to, but it’s not much of an attraction as it is “omgz, i want to know you better, lolz.”  I’m not looking for a relationship, either. Or anything even remotely sexual. Hah, I don’t even want to be touched. So, yeah, I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t get what I’m complaining about, either, but I’m posting this anyways for future reference, just in case I do figure things out.

I can’t even come up with a proper conclusion, either, because I really don’t get it.

I listened to the new Honorary Title record today. It’s great. One of the best records I’ve heard in a while. There’s such diversity going on within that record. I can’t wait to listen to it more.

I was reading my old diaries the other day. All I could say was- whoa. I’m surprised how this year really has been. I tend to forget all of the bad things that happen to me. It’s not necessarily a conscious effort, but just something to keep me from becoming absolutely delusional.

“Sometimes, I wish something tragic would happen, so I’d be able to figure out what’s important. So I’d figure out what I want.”

Or something like that.

This place is void of all passion

… “if you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort, I wrote a reminder- this wasn’t a vision. This time, where are you, houston? Is somebody out there, will somebody listen? Should I go back? I feel alone and tired. I hope I won’t forget you.”

I finally got up the balls to initiate AmandaMorning with Logan. After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that he is not a morning person. AmandaMorning was dramatically cut short with him because he had to do his chapter review upstairs or something. Thankfully, though, since our conversation was mostly about how we don’t have anything to talk about, with an overwhelmingly jaded tone. And about golfing. I actually told him about that book that I saw that I was going to get him. He said it was a good thing that I didn’t get it for him. An elaboration of that statement would have been nice, but I did not receive one. I guess I’m not much of a morning person, either, but I do a great job at acting like I am!

On the way back to the cafeteria, I saw this homie that I felt some sort of attraction to. His name is Christian. I went to elementary school with him.

Me: “So, Christian, how are you? How are things? How have the last four years been for you?”

Christian: “Pretty fun… Not. I attempted to commit suicide plenty of times.”

The first sentence turned me off, mostly because the last word was dramatically postponed. I thought he had ended his sentence and was about to speak. On his very poignant statement, uh, was he trying to end the conversation? The rest of the morning, we were in search of his friends. Well, he was in search of his friends. I’m trying really hard to not interpret that act as one to get me to go away. We went around in circles and I managed to ask him which religion/belief system he associates himself with. He said none. But he isn’t atheistic. I was hoping he was, though. I won’t go so far as to call him a superstitious idiot, but I’m a bit bummed out.

… But I was still really attracted to him, so we hugged before I left.

Despite my overwhelming sense of confidence, after this very hormonal morning, I was shaking. Yeah, I was really nervous.

I wonder, if I should do this on Monday. I don’t think people appreciate being coerced into spending time with another person, especially when it’s someone who is a very poor conversationalist. Obviously, there are people to meet and things to do within that hour before school starts. But gosh- it could get good, somehow?

I am astonished by my absolute confidence when it came to striking up AmandaMorning, though. I hadn’t thought about it all that much, so I just went up to either guy and made them spend time with me. No contemplation, no hesitation. Not bad, given my track record. Hmm. No wonder people think of me as an only child when they first meet me- I’m a bit selfish, no?

But whatever. I have tons of things to justify it. The spice of life is to keep surprising yourself. I’m the only person who can make things happen in my life. I need to talk to new people, anyways. And, it strengthens my reputation of randomly appearing and disappearing within peoples’ lives. Thank you.

The braces are now gone. I look beautiful? Apparently, yeah. Jeebus, the hyperboles never end. When I said that I liked having them on, all the orthodontist nurses gasped. Yes, they gasped.

I also got my PSAT scores today. I did really well. I’m quite proud of myself.

If you want love, you know where it’s at.

Gosh, I’m in love with RedRedBlue. It’s another Gatsby side project, haha. The lyrics throw me off, though, since all of the songs I’ve heard have pretty violent lyrics. Which completely turns me off, but it’s ridiculously catchy. I find myself singing, “And if you want love, you know where it’s at, and if you run away, I’ll get my claws in your back, and I’m just kidding, I guess we’ll see about that because it all depends who lies, I decide who dies!” Er, yah. Creepy, but catchy.

But anyways. Here I am, questioning my sexuality once more. The more I think about it, the more I realize that labeling my preferences is getting tiresome. Quite honestly, I think that when I try to find a term to describe my orientation, it just makes matters even worse. I’m fine with the way that I am, I just roll with the punches, really, but when it comes to describing it for people, it makes matters even worse. It’s not the societal implications of my orientation- frankly, people are really open about things lately. I don’t really care about how people perceive my preferences (oh, alliteration!) because I’m in my own little world, yeah.

When it comes down to it, yeah, I’m attracted to people. I am attracted to very few people, but I am nonetheless. But whenever I see people I am attracted to, the sensation is no different than that of looking at a pretty painting, or something. The same thing goes for my sex drive. I don’t care about sex all that much, I don’t spend alot of time thinking about it, either. That’s a pretty meaningful thing to say, seeing as my sex drive should be at its peak at this age. I should be thinking about it all the time- before meals and after snacks, although, I only think about it when I’m trying to figure out what I “am.”

Whatever. I’m going to be whatever I “am” and deal with it. If I like dudes and chicks, or neither, that’s fine.

My dad found a job for when he retires. It’s really great, since it’s what he’s always wanted. He’s going to be working pretty far away, though. At least he’ll bring home Krispy Kreme donuts every now and then.

Oh, and by the way, my braces are coming off next week. My parents care about it more than I do, but I suppose that’s for the best. I like my braces, actually. I’m not making a huge deal out of it, though. I haven’t told anyone yet.

Best conversation ever:

Court *naf says:
lol you know what’s weird, i was thinking how funny it would be for trish and cj to go to a movie theater that had the arm rests that you pull down…they would be afraid of showing the wrong message
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says :
haha, oh god
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I have never thought of that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
But that’s really funny.
Court *naf says:
lol, i know, i mean really you don’t want to repel them, but you might not want them to apply the yawn and stretch lol
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I was thinking about how I’d react to the situation
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
and I’d just be like, k, I’ll put my arms around you, I don’t care.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I would seriously say that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
It doesn’t matter if I’m the woman, I’ll do it if you want
Court *naf says:
lol i can see you doing that…i’m not that outgoing
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
enjoy the perfume
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m far too straightforward for everyone
Court *naf says:
lol it’s not bad, i would just sit there uncomfortably until the guy did something
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha
Court *naf says:
that’s how lame i am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
that’s how lame I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Actually, it’d probably be like, I’m not in the mood for being touched right now so don’t even think about it
Court *naf says:
your’s isn’t lame, you do something, i just sit there hoping i don’t have to make a decision
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha, aw
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
but this is the Jimenez gene I have
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
EVERY GIRL ON MY MOM’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY SUCKS AT GETTING A MATE
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Because they are too honest
Court *naf says:
i’m sorry
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’d be good at it, maybe. Too many people think that I’m cool right now to realize how insensitive I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Or something, I don’t know.
Court *naf says:
ok, well being too quiet doesn’t work well either…
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I suppose, yeah
Court *naf says:
well there
Court *naf says:
is a difference between being insensitive and mean
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
xD
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m not mean, or at least, I don’t try to be. But when I’m in a situation in which I feel awkward, I do something to ram right through the awkwardness
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
So I usually dull the situation with my dry humor or my winning sarcasm

Jeebus, that’s the epitome of my existence.

I’ll love you forever, however long that may be

Gosh, this James Hill stuff ain’t that bad.

I went to Knowledge Bowl yesterday. It was spectacular- we all did a great job. We were among the top teams there, I think, which was great since we were there for the first time. The first round of questions was written- we had forty minutes to complete sixty questions. We did really well. We finished with about ten minutes to spare. I couldn’t be prouder of our team. The rest of the rounds were oral; there were about four or five rounds. We did okay, although, in one round, we only answered four questions correctly.

The bus ride there and back were pretty uneventful. Except for the fact that the homie that asked me out during summer school was there. At Knowledge Bowl, and on the bus, too. Jeebus, that was very surprising, but at least I did not have to compete against him. We went to Safeway on the way back. During that time I made the worst mistake of my life. Ugh, that was just disgusting.

I’m exhausted, though. I got home at five and went to sleep early. Today was just as bad- I almost fell asleep in AP Psychology.  I have two tests tomorrow, which I am less than enthused about. lsakjfl;sjkdfl;skdjf

I read what Logan wrote in my yearbook. I didn’t really know how to respond to it, mostly because I didn’t know how he wanted me to respond to it. Anyways, it made me cry for about an hour and I ended up speaking to my yearbook about it. Like, why do you keep doing this to me? And stuffs. He was like, yah, you’re a good person and a terrific writer. And then at the end he said that maybe “we’ll get closer.” How was I supposed to interpret that, necessarily? I was speaking to Anthony about it and he said that he thinks that Logan’s being sincere about it and that he wouldn’t mind getting to know me better. Because if he hadn’t brought it up again, of his own volition, then he probably was just being nice. And I’m thinking, “Cool.” Gosh, as much as I love him and as much as I try, I don’t think we’re ever going to get together in that way and if we were to, it’d be really disastrous. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

… But then again, I couldn’t see myself with anyone, so maybe my opinion shouldn’t be the deciding one.

No delay, but uh, ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

At the end of third period, the principal went on the intercom and was talking about how our county is in a state of emergency, officially. So, they cut the day short, so I’m home now, kthx.

Fond, but not in love.

… “Never hear you laugh like that, so full. One last goodbye could last the rest of your life, one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied make better friends.”

I dealt with some unfinished business today. Logan finally signed my yearbook with something meaningful and yeah, I actually managed to stop the self-consciousness from within and converse with him in a relatively eloquent manner. Kind of, not really. But whatever. He gave it back to me in english, but I’m not going to read it until a week from now because I am too excited to read it. My expectations are too high at this point. I can imagine the stupidity that he’d write. Or the pretentious self-esteem boosting crap everyone writes in yearbooks. And vague compliments to your character, which includes the classic: “You’re the coolest person.”I actually got so fed up with this that I wrote something to myself in my yearbook. A very lengthy paragraph, too. The longest entry within the yearbook, but it’s all right. If you can have fun all by yourself, then the rest of life’s problems are solved.

I did get a glimpse of what he wrote, though, and it said something like, “Amanda, oh, what to say? You’re an amazing person.” That’s the furthest I got. When someone says that I’m am**ing, I tend to not buy it. And dude, he said am**ing. kthx. And gosh- I know I’m cool, that’s not the issue here. The question is: Can. You. Handle. It. (Yeah, I could not help it.)

… The thing is, I am trying so hard to keep the critical part of my brain active whenever I think about him because if I allow myself to be too illogical, I would have to punch myself. But sadly, there’s really not much I can do to prevent that, seeing as oxytocin can do tons to the brain.

Aw, and what can I say? This is going to keep me elated for days. This good mood of mine has not worn off, all because of him. Gosh, I wish I could have an effect on people in the way that he affects me. It makes me go all lksjad;flkjsadl;fkjsldkfj for days. But that’s only after I get all, OMGZ, after the first couple of hours. Wow. I am**e myself.

So, yeah, I completely wasted half an entry as well as half of my DAY obsessing over this. I need a life, clearly. But not really, because I’m completely fine with this. Y’know why?

BECAUSE I’M AM**ING!

But anyways, time to change the topic. Here’s why dinosaurs are extinct. Enjoy.

The things we do deserve the rightful names

… “Imagine we had canvas with the midnight cold, dig our fingers in and then we’d watch the snow. Maybe I need stronger meds. Don’t let those feelings in, I can’t get closer now.”

Today was pretty spectacular. It’s the best day I’ve had in a long while, I can say.

Well, kind of. Mary gave me a poem this morning, which was supposed to be complimentary, although it felt absolutely degrading. I know she didn’t mean it, so I won’t take it offensively. But of course, it was about the Debbie thing. Okay- I was mostly over it, until she reminded me of it. Thanks, really.

After school, there was a staff meeting so no one besides the teachers are allowed in the school. Melissa, her boyfriend, Grace, Cameron, and I walked down to the waterfront. It was really pleasant. It was lots of fun. We watched the water while Melissa’s boyfriend played his guitar. It was nothing short of wonderful, but you know how simplistic I can be. There were ducks on the water, oh- they were so adorable! They would jump up and dive into the water. So cute.

On the way back, Melissa bought everyone hot chocolate and we walked back to school.

There, Knowledge Bowl was established. We are having a competition soon.

I wore Courtnee’s jacket for the day because she let me borrow it this morning and never asked for it back. So yah.

But anyways. Despite everything else, I haven’t had a good day in a really long time, and gosh darn it, things are getting better. Not as slowly as I had expected, thankfully.

I spoke to Keisha today, who is dating Jeff. She was so full of happiness when I spoke to her. It was refreshing. She always seems happy and that she loves life so much, but today the fact was distinguished more so than other days.

Don’t get comfortable

… “Don’t be sensible.”

The Festival of Trees was pretty cool, I guess. I received tons of compliments from the senior citizens that were also volunteering. It’s strange, how I’ve been complimented on every thing imaginable.

Riza and Angela were watching a flute performance that day, so when I was on my break, I called Riza and she came over and talked to me. That was neat, although it led to the inevitable “discovery” that Cody is socially retarded. He just proves it more and more. After Riza and Angela left, the ticket-greeting job was done and over with, so I had an hour to kill. Today’s my mother’s birthday so I bought her a present. Sure, it spent a good 8 3/4 out of my 10 dollars, but I won’t hold that against her.

Oh, and I had Jesus stuffed down my throat for a good half-hour because the Festival of Trees basically consisted of about ten vendors and the trees themselves, with ENTERTAINMENT. Yah. So these men were singing to me for half an hour. I wanted to punch myself so badly. Not to mention that my stomach was hurting and I could do nothing about it. And I had to go bathroom, which was something I could easily resolve, although I was too lazy to do it. So technically, three-quarters of the blame goes to the people who organized the Festival of Trees, and the rest is mine.

Oh, and the whole event wasn’t culturally literate at all, I have to say. I’m not sure if I was supposed to expect cultural diversity at this event, though.

I married the madness that left me alone in the dark

… “Wrote her a letter, ‘I’ll shiver without you tonight,” I did everything right, I did everything I thought was right.”

Did Black Friday. I woke up at one twenty or so. Since one twenty, I’ve slept a total of one hour and ten minutes. So, essentially, I slept for about five hours last night? AND I’M STILL ROLLIN’!

But anyways, it was freaking freezing. Oh, and we got a huuuuuuge tv. I don’t understand why. But we now have one. Somehow, it reminds me of the whole barn scenario, even if I was there when we bought the tv, haha. But anyways. There wasn’t enough room for me in the car, given the tv, so I had to sit on top of the box. Yes, teh box. It was very awkward and uncomfortable. And it certainly made me feel loved, too.

My little brother is begging for a DS Lite. He already has a DS. Mind you, that’s the second DS that has been in this household, because the first one Andy received for Christmas last year. He decided that he didn’t like it, and gave it back to my father along with twenty dollars. Gosh- CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME.

But don’t get me wrong- he can always make me smile. Like this instance:

Andy: OMGZ I’m going to put my ornament next to Santa Claus!

Me: It’s not something to applaud necessarily, seeing as the ornament symbolizing Santa Claus has dreads.

Andy: He’s going gangster.

Me: Gangsters don’t have dreads.

*Andy picks up Santa Claus*

Andy: Yo.

So lame, haha.

Uh, but yeah. I think I’m going to not care and start digging Fall Out Boy again. I should give them another shot, since I loved their first couple of records. Oh, Honorable Mention, how I loved you so.

Anyways. Time for a subject change.

naive:
Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system; one who still tries to do things in an intuitive way, rather than the right way (in really good designs these coincide, but most designs aren’t “really good” in the appropriate sense). This trait is completely unrelated to general maturity or competence or even competence at any other specific program. It is a sad commentary on the primitive state of computing that the natural opposite of this term is often claimed to be “experienced user” but is really more like “cynical user”.

So, am I naive? My friends consider me to be naive, but then again, they equate naivety with innocence, which I think is irrelevant.

I tend to think of people as better than they actually are. It’s quite illogical for me to think this way, but I suppose it is just to comfort myself. Because, in the most reasonable sense, people have no reason to have one drop of goodness within them- just because we exist and have higher intelligence than other living organisms on this planet, it doesn’t have to mean that we are better than they are morally. And it’s not like goodness is quantifiable, either.

It troubles me to think that a person can inflict pain on another person for no apparent reason, mostly because I don’t do that myself. I don’t have any secrets; I try to remain as honest as I can with people, and for that reason, it’s hard for me to imagine a person with intentions that are not immediately apparent. That isn’t to say that I do not keep things from people, everyone does that, but I do not actively try to keep an aspect of myself or of my life hidden from people.
… And for that reason, I find myself somewhat naive.

The concept of rumination just weirds me out, yeah. Because when it comes down to it, I end up defining myself when I reflect on those things. But that’s the antithesis of whatever I try to accomplish when I ruminate, because when you start defining things, it ends defining what you should be, not how you are. And quite honestly, I’m a walking contradiction, so defining myself is quite difficult. That could be said about anyone, though.

Normally, I don’t care about how other people perceive me. When I started questioning my sexuality, one of the things that held me off of coming out to people was that Amanda shouldn’t be interested in people who happen to have an extra X chromosome. But I really am. All of my social connotations are equated with the term, Amanda, while the way I see myself or how I perceive things is how I see them. I suppose it makes sense, since reference to the third person implies a social context. I don’t know if that’s universal, though. I would hope that it is, but I cannot assure myself that.
Oh, Amanda is so cute and innocent. But in actuality, I’m just being myself, and I don’t see myself as cute or innocent. It’s amazing how far off-base people are when they first meet me. People often think that I’m extremely religious because of how I look and act, I suppose. Because of that, they wouldn’t dare question my sexual orientation. Oh, and most people find me to be extremely stupid when they meet me, too. But that’s only when I do not use every seventy-five cent word that comes to mind.

Dear god, I cry almost every time I watch this. I absolutely love My So-Called Life, despite the overwhelming angst. Unfortunate, though, that it lasted only twenty episodes. And that I watch them, on repeat, sometimes.