And soon I leave the infirmary

Feeling well, but lacking courage.

My english and math finals went pretty well. My essay, however, was far too laconic for my tastes- but how much can a person write in thirty minutes?! Er, yeah, I could’ve saved more time for the essay, but, uh, there’s no use dwelling on the past! :D

I did really well on my final in Spanish, too. I got a B on it. I thought I failed it, man, haha.

And you know how I found her address? Yeah, I just realized that I can send her a letter. Old-fashioned, but if it gets the message across and enables me to forgive myself to some kind of degree, then it’s a good thing, after all. I just have to let my parents know. Somehow. They think that I’m completely over it, since this was four or five years ago. I was over it for a little while, but I’ve never given up the curiosity (Ahahaa, “wonderment.”) of how she is doing now.

Mallorie was gone in first period today, so I didn’t really get to talk to her. I talked to her in third period, instead. I look forward to speaking with her for some reason. She’s so quiet if you do not approach her, but the second you do, she gets all laskjdfowije on you.

AH! The Format is on hiatus? Even if they were planning on recording another album? I’m dying on the inside. That just ruined my month, dude. I was looking forward to their new record so badly. It was up there with the new Jack’s record. Man, their solo stuff better be good. I’m going to crawl up into a ball and cry for a few hours, kthx.

I found a goldmine of cover songs, man. Loooooove. Although it mostly consists of The Cure, I found some fairly decent FOB covers. Yar.

Gosh, I have become so much of a hipster within the past couple of years, haha.

I’m experimenting with polymer clay at the moment, kthx. It’s loads of fun, but only after you condition it. But the process of conditioning is pretty annoying and interminable.

I have so much stuff to get done, gosh. Thankfully, I got a head start on these winter solstice presents, but still- I have tons to do.

It hurts because it should.

… “How else am I to make it clear? I could never be the one that you want, don’t ask. Well, here’s to living in the moment because it passed. Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes. You told the most and best of anyone. You said to “keep me in your pocket,” so I carried you. You’d better choose your words carefully because I’m not your anything. Gonna stay here in my place, and you stay in yours, because your only good is what you’re good for. I pace around the room to spend the time waiting while the burning pictures fade. One thing to make your mind and another to say it’s name.”

Gosh, Chase This Light is pretty good so far. “Carry You” is up there with “Open Bar Reception,” definitely.

I finished one present today, which is great. I’m almost done with another; I have another one to begin. It’s quite stressful.

I watched “Tadpole” last night. It wasn’t as weird of a movie as I had expected for it to be. Throughout the movie, they showed quotes. My favorite one was at the end, which was something like, “If we don’t find something pleasant, at least we’ll find something new.” Decidedly, it made me feel alot better.

… And, after all, it really is over since apparently nothing is left. It just really sucks since I spent the past three months with you, and exclusively you, extracurricularly. Thank you.

Dear god, I can’t believe I just pressed Enter. These next couple of minutes are going to be pretty terrible. I hate instant messaging, and yet I continue to have it installed on my computer.

If you want love, you know where it’s at.

Gosh, I’m in love with RedRedBlue. It’s another Gatsby side project, haha. The lyrics throw me off, though, since all of the songs I’ve heard have pretty violent lyrics. Which completely turns me off, but it’s ridiculously catchy. I find myself singing, “And if you want love, you know where it’s at, and if you run away, I’ll get my claws in your back, and I’m just kidding, I guess we’ll see about that because it all depends who lies, I decide who dies!” Er, yah. Creepy, but catchy.

But anyways. Here I am, questioning my sexuality once more. The more I think about it, the more I realize that labeling my preferences is getting tiresome. Quite honestly, I think that when I try to find a term to describe my orientation, it just makes matters even worse. I’m fine with the way that I am, I just roll with the punches, really, but when it comes to describing it for people, it makes matters even worse. It’s not the societal implications of my orientation- frankly, people are really open about things lately. I don’t really care about how people perceive my preferences (oh, alliteration!) because I’m in my own little world, yeah.

When it comes down to it, yeah, I’m attracted to people. I am attracted to very few people, but I am nonetheless. But whenever I see people I am attracted to, the sensation is no different than that of looking at a pretty painting, or something. The same thing goes for my sex drive. I don’t care about sex all that much, I don’t spend alot of time thinking about it, either. That’s a pretty meaningful thing to say, seeing as my sex drive should be at its peak at this age. I should be thinking about it all the time- before meals and after snacks, although, I only think about it when I’m trying to figure out what I “am.”

Whatever. I’m going to be whatever I “am” and deal with it. If I like dudes and chicks, or neither, that’s fine.

My dad found a job for when he retires. It’s really great, since it’s what he’s always wanted. He’s going to be working pretty far away, though. At least he’ll bring home Krispy Kreme donuts every now and then.

Oh, and by the way, my braces are coming off next week. My parents care about it more than I do, but I suppose that’s for the best. I like my braces, actually. I’m not making a huge deal out of it, though. I haven’t told anyone yet.

Best conversation ever:

Court *naf says:
lol you know what’s weird, i was thinking how funny it would be for trish and cj to go to a movie theater that had the arm rests that you pull down…they would be afraid of showing the wrong message
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says :
haha, oh god
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I have never thought of that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
But that’s really funny.
Court *naf says:
lol, i know, i mean really you don’t want to repel them, but you might not want them to apply the yawn and stretch lol
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I was thinking about how I’d react to the situation
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
and I’d just be like, k, I’ll put my arms around you, I don’t care.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I would seriously say that.
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
It doesn’t matter if I’m the woman, I’ll do it if you want
Court *naf says:
lol i can see you doing that…i’m not that outgoing
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
enjoy the perfume
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m far too straightforward for everyone
Court *naf says:
lol it’s not bad, i would just sit there uncomfortably until the guy did something
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha
Court *naf says:
that’s how lame i am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
that’s how lame I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Actually, it’d probably be like, I’m not in the mood for being touched right now so don’t even think about it
Court *naf says:
your’s isn’t lame, you do something, i just sit there hoping i don’t have to make a decision
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
haha, aw
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
but this is the Jimenez gene I have
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
EVERY GIRL ON MY MOM’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY SUCKS AT GETTING A MATE
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Because they are too honest
Court *naf says:
i’m sorry
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’d be good at it, maybe. Too many people think that I’m cool right now to realize how insensitive I am
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
Or something, I don’t know.
Court *naf says:
ok, well being too quiet doesn’t work well either…
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I suppose, yeah
Court *naf says:
well there
Court *naf says:
is a difference between being insensitive and mean
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
xD
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
I’m not mean, or at least, I don’t try to be. But when I’m in a situation in which I feel awkward, I do something to ram right through the awkwardness
I could never be half as close to you as you are to me. says:
So I usually dull the situation with my dry humor or my winning sarcasm

Jeebus, that’s the epitome of my existence.

The last time I remembered

… “Thing were getting better.”

Jeebus, I’m getting used to this whole Pete Yorn stuff. It’s good god. Yar, “Shampoo,” is my favorite right now. Rock on, man, despite the ambiance in your music, man. :D

I’m getting started on those heart-warming notes for Christmas presents. I have about thirteen people to do this for, yeah. I’m fine with it since it’s early and I don’t have to tackle all of these head-on, but I think I’m going to get very redundant.

But anyways- I have some pretty cool ideas for Christmas presents, especially for teh Cody. He’s not an acquaintance anymore, yah. It’s just that we have plenty of things in common and it’s going to be really easy getting him a present.

The new tv is hooked up and everything, so the old tv is no longer. Except the new tv sounds like a radio to me. Hmm.

And by the way, instructables is quite cool. Even if I spent two hours there and only found one thing that I could make.

Gosh, I want to get out right now. Anywhere.

I’ve decided to try to get to know Phar a little better. I just don’t know how. I was thinking of asking her to hang out with me or something. But then again, she’d probably bring her boyfriend along and it would ruin any kind of get-to-know-you time. Yeah.

No one cares- so why should you?

“Run away because you’re all alone… And you’ll never know what could’ve been.”

Tom Delonge makes me want to punch myself. But of course not.

But anyways- happy Thanksgiving. Except, no one’s thanking me for cooking their dinner. Whatever. I have to say this is the best Thanksgiving ever, but sarcasm does not convey well over the internet.

Ignoring people is surprisingly easy.

Uh, currently in love with Band of Horses, yeah. And The Format, because every time I listen to them, they just get better and better. Jeebus, I love this band.

We have four days off. TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have to say, I have no plans besides doing the Festival of Trees. Darn it- why can’t Allie be here when I really need her? This happens every year. I don’t know, I mean, she’s seen me in every situation possible. There have been times when I couldn’t stand her and others were I missed her tons. So if there were a person who could understand whichever situation I’m in- she’d be it. God, I miss her so much.

So yeah. “At times like these, you’re half a world away!”

But anyways. Megan knows me very well, too. I absolutely love the extent at which she understands me.

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about this alot for the past couple of months, and I really like it. It’s really comforting to me, I guess. Because it’s exactly what I had thought after I heard that they were releasing a b-sides record. And it’s always the thing I think of first whenever I hear the term, “b-sides record.” It’s from this interview with Copeland, concerning their b-sides record, Dressed Up And In Line.:

“Talk to us about this b-sides record. A lot of people are worried it is going to be comprised of acoustic/alternate song versions that are already floating around the internet. Can we expect to hear some entirely new material?

Aaron: Yeah. We’re actually putting a lot of work into this thing. Not just a bunch of old bonus tracks. There are 2 or 3 songs from the In Motion Sessions and ESR sessions that never quite finished. They were songs that didn’t fit so we just stopped working on them ’til now. Plus, we’re picking our favorite EP tracks, bonus tracks, acoustic versions, and compilation songs. We’re going to go back to the original sessions and beef them up, remix, add some strings, add some vocals, replace some guitar sounds. Hopefully when we’re done this will be a really cool double-disc collection of recordings from the last 7 years that (fingers crossed) sounds like a cohesive record.

Bryan: I remember buying b-sides records when I was younger, and always thinking they seemed so haphazard. It always feels like it is just a group of songs that took 10 minutes to put together. We want this record to feel like more than that. I think it’s going be a cool way to be nostalgic and share what our journey has been like over the last 6 years or so with our fans.”

My mom might cut my hair today; I might fix up that other sweater I bought; I might make a jacket for myself out of this fabric I bought weeks ago; and I’ll get absorbed in a book to get away from myself, kthx.

I’ve got time, but I got no time for you!

.. “Kiss me like you mean it, because I’ve got everything to lose!”

Geez. I’m in love with It’s Like Love.

Summer school ends tomorrow. I’m going to the mall with Debbie soon, although I don’t really like hanging out in malls because all it proves is that corporations have affected our lives so much so that we choose to procreate in malls. Karen and Megan might sleepover on Sunday, which will be nice, since we always have fun together. If only I were a better hostess! D:

We were forced to run cross country. Debbie and I totally ran it in half an hour. Then we walked the track with everybody.

I’m thinking of buying that Nightmare of You EP that’s supposed to be coming out soon. I think buying Directions really changed the way I approached the way I get music… ?
Oh, and I found out that TSL has yet to release three more b-sides. I’m dying to see what “Swings” sounds like. I really like “Pictures,” I think it’s my favorite song in their post BOATS era. Although I do admit- BOATS is tons better than Directions. I wish it weren’t, just because I anticipated Directions so much. D:

Mmph. Lately, I’ve been thinking about death. Again. Morbidity seems to have become my specialty as of late, but that’s really not a  good thing. To think that one day, I will not exist. And that thought makes me feel very melancholic, because darn it- I WANT TO EXIST.

… And that thought leads me to think about how I should cherish life. Which makes me think about graduating and how depressing that whole process will be. And then I think about how I should be focusing more on school, seeing as I got a C in food science, which is the easiest class ever. And how I got a B- in honors physical science, and how that was pretty easy, too. And how I didn’t really work that hard in areas other than English during my freshman year. Mmph.

… And all these thoughts were brought about by thinking about time as continuous and unrelenting.  I mean, summer school went by quickly, one could expand on that idea on a larger scale and emphasize how life goes by quickly. Soon enough, I’ll be dead.

Gosh, I really wish I could believe in an afterlife and a god. It’d be so much easier to come to terms with your own mortality when there’s a caring man and a place full of clouds to back you up.  And flying babies, you can’t forget about those.

I always find my romance in the emergency room

… “I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head but I’m hanging off of every word you said.”

I made four stencil yesterday and I only like two. But it’s okay, since they are so kickass. It’s Bright Eyes and The Cure. They’re awesome. I want to find more stencils because believe I have found THE way of using my X-Acto knife. And I actually found an awesome-er X-Acto knife in my craft box. It’s a poser X-Acto knife, but it’s weird because it says that it’s made by Kai. Seriously. *shudder*

My eyesight is sucking so badly lately. If only I could gouge my eyes out and still have the ability to see.

I felt slightly poetic last night and I wrote stuff. It actually was halfway decent.

“My arms are tired from catching butterflies, because I wanted to send them to you in a jar to remind you of how I feel.”

Lame, I know.

I am currently in love with JamisonParker. If only the band didn’t break up =( Waking Ashland broke up a few days ago. I would’ve been more heartbroken if their last record didn’t suck as much.

I’m trying to figure out what to paint. And I can’t think of anything great. It’s eventual, I’ll get it.

I uploaded the pictures I took from the last days of junior high school.

I hope this is what you want

… “Because my throat will be the first thing to go!”

Geez. This record is awesome. ‘Birds’ is my favorite right now, ftw. But I cannot get past that whole “If S-I-L-Y-M-I still is all you want/ then I’m not sure how much in common we’ve got!” and how awesome it is. Definitely my favorite lyric of ALL time.

Directions is certainly not SILYMI, and it’s not BOATS, either. It is very far off of SILYMI, in the sense that this new record is not as poppy as the other one. This record has a theme of growing up, basically, while the other one seemed to focus on teenage angst. This record is much more melodic, it seems, than the others. There are definitely no “Photography”/”Ready” tracks on here, but it’s still an awesome record. Considering the fact that Say It Like You Mean It was made when they were in their early twenties/pretty much, in high school, and now they are much older, their sound has definitely changed. Oh, but this is really, a great record. Everybody should listen to it.

… But I’m thinking of restraining myself from listening to it too much, haha.

But anyways. I am trying to find some way to decorate the walls within my room, seeing as I moved my furniture around and got rid of things that are no longer “me” (Sorry, couldn’t find a better adjective. Oh, the philosophical possibilities of such a statement!) therefore, my walls have nothing on it besides my Blink poster. Sad, yes, but as I said before, a part of me is dying along with the past year. Anyways, I have this thin cardboard prism that I am planning on either putting a collage onto, or putting some fabric on it and hanging it up, or maybe just putting my leftover muslin on it and painting it. It’ll look nicer than it sounds.

I got started on knitting another sweater for myself, it’s going to be swt. Except for the fact that this is my first lace pattern, and I keep freaking out over counting between the stitches.

__________________

So, what role does the awareness of our consciousness play in evolutionary process? (I really cannot elaborate on this statement more. Because I have no clue.)

Ants are biologically set up to live for a very short period of time, therefore, they are programmed to do things. They have no free will. Evolution drives them, basically. The ants probably do not see that they are like robots, programmed to do whatever possible, to thrive and carry on their genes.  We, humans, are set up to live for a much longer period of time, but we are still driven by evolution. We find ways to make our lives easier by technology, we can even think for ourselves. So, if you ponder this even further; is our free will an illusion? What if we are just like ants, unaware of the routine we undergo throughout our lifetime?

If this is worth your while, then you’re making me smile

… “If S-I-L-Y-M-I still is all you want, then I’m not sure how much in common we’ve got‘”

That lyric is so amazing. I love them so much more than I had even dreamed. Cue, the list because today has been so f***ing amazing.

• I now own Directions by The Starting Line (I’m part of an elite squad, no?) F*** yeah. I screamed when I got it. And then I started running around downstairs. I’m still pretty psyched about it. The record is so f***ing spectacular and is everything I imagined and more! I am so utterly awestruck. They can have my babies now. NOW. “Hurry”, “Somebody’s Gonna Miss Us” (totally called it) and “Need To Love” are great. “Hurry” is really great, though, and this whole record has some staying power for the next seven months, really.
• Four Year Strong’s new record  Rise or Die Trying is coming out on September 18th.
• Nightmare of You is coming out with a new EP later on this year… Yesssss.

So, my mother decided it was punishment enough keeping me from going to Lorren’s thing, so she let me go to Laurie’s because Laurie’s thing started later. Let me tell you something: when you spend 956384 hours freaking out over your hair and clothes and what have you, you begin to comprehend the extent of loneliness you have been feeling for the past two weeks. And then you realize how pathetic your life must be without school.

… And when your best friend’s brother starts to compete with the neighbors across the water over fireworks, you realize how asinine the celebration of the fourth of July is.

… And then when you realize that you are inexplicably regaled by random colorful flashes in the sky, you realize that everybody SHOULD take the human psyche for granted.

AH! You can use emoticons to imply I Am The Walrus?! Yesssss. (:3= YES! Whoever made that up can have my babies.

Hmm. After much consideration, I believe I should have lived during the nineties. Imagine! The beginning of the internet… Cool Napster.. Imaginary e-mail viruses… How exciting! But then again, tons of terrible things happened (I’m not in the mood for listing once more.)

… Oh, this new record is so awesome.

“It’s not that interesting, but I’ll keep it a secret, so I’ll have something left to give!”

Forget my name, forget my face

… “They are brief and false advertisements for a soul I don’t have, something true I have lacked and spent my whole life trying to make up for.”

One of the things I love about the summer is how dark it gets at night. And how the darkness paradoxically illuminates the moon even more. Times like those make me want to live forever.

Amanda rant on upcoming record releases, how the music industry is going to change forever, and Blink 182:

MCS is going to release their new record in September now. Way to move the date forward. For the third time. But whatever, that same week in September… Four Year Strong is also having their record out!! AHHHHHH! I absolutely love Four Year Strong more than words can even describe, guys, how many times have I brought them up here before? Yessssssssss. So stoked. A tiny bit less than my anticipation for Directions, but not that much =D

… Oh, and did I mention that track number twelve of their new record is, “Antonia”? Yes. For the people who don’t know, it’s my name from Spanish class, haha. But yeah. And I’m going to make a prediction RIGHT NOW, but I think my favorite track will be “Hello Helicopter.” The single they put out now is pretty good… Okay, it’s absolutely spectacular, so I’m really excited for this release. 2007 is a good year for releases! + Jimmy Eat World is supposed to have a record out, too. + Person L is planning on releasing an EP later on this year (and on another note, they just released a new song on their myspace, ftw.)

I’m not that sure what I’m going to think of the record exactly, but I am very sure it will be nothing like Commit This to Memory, because Even If It Kills Me is not produced by Mark Hoppus! I make this assumption, of course, because I Am The Movie was nothing like Commit This to Memory.

… All we need is a new Valencia record, and I’ll be forever grateful for 2007 (moreso, because TSL’s release is just… dkfjalskdjfl. Yah.)

Last night, I was thinking about how the music industry is going to change- alot- during the next couple years, in the way they distribute music. Think about it: up-and-coming bands have been allotting their EPS and even full-length records online; The Format did their whole thing online; and Prince even distributed his new record along with newspapers in the UK. Prince is getting even more attention for this than The Format did, because his record company is getting a little angry at him for it, but anyways- this is a huge event! Now that these two bands are showing how they don’t really care about the money they make from record sales (and how the companies they are signed to do) maybe this will inspire even more bands to do the same.

So. Blink was the first band I had ever really gotten into, and they led me into the music scene, so to speak. Yah. Everybody says that. But there needs to be more songs like Asthenia. That has to be my most favorite song by that band, if you don’t count Stockholm Syndrome.

/endrant.

I just received Kirby. Yah. Envy me.

I’ve taken to messaging and myspace. I feel really stupid.

If souls exist, then there is no use for a brain. Or any material thing, for that matter. Think about it: No use for a brain; no use for a body to take care of it; no use for the things surrounding us to maintain our bodies; so then, what is the use of having a material world, if souls exist?

I’ll cross my t’s and dot my i’s

… “Don’t you dare say goodbye, I’ll sign sincerely yours and sign my name, P.S. I love you, forever and today!”

As of late, The All-American Rejects have not impressed me much. Okay, I’ll admit it- their sophomore record blows. But their debut record is really great. Riza introduced it to me, actually, in like fourth or fifth grade. Terrible, really, how young I was at the time, but surprisingly, it’s poppy enough for me to love five years later xD

… And yeah, I realize how corny the whole record is. Maybe the teeny bopper from within is trying to make a break for it. *shudder*

Ah, and there’s this huuuuuuge thread in which people who got advanced copies of Directions are talking about how great it is. I am truly dying.

And so, I have officially decided that my computer is infected with some terrible disease. The black plague, more like. And with that, I present to you:

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF AMANDA’S DYING COMPUTER!

That is Amanda’s amazing paint-produced image of her computer. That is before… They came.

Yesssss.You know who They are. You’ve seen them and know where they come from. You just don’t remember because they took your memory away the exact second I brought this up. Let’s refresh our memory.

Oh, you know them well. And you cannot bear to think of it. Yes. They hog your computer. They hurt your computer, and even more- they load your computer with pictures of robots. I am scared, too.

Rather live my life in regret than do this

… “ What happened to the love we both knew? We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me, you burn me you’ll burn me. Lie better next time, stay on my side tonight.”

Geez. I really want Jimmy Eat World to get around to selling their record! It’s recorded and everything and yet they cannot decide in a release date, it seems. They were saying last December that it was going to come out soon.

Amanda rant on humans’ desire for self-preservation:

So. Have humans given it up? Global warming is a threat to the human population as we know it, and there are some people who are trying to prevent it from progressing further than it has, and yet there is a larger group of people who are hardly making any changes. If humans truly desired their species to thrive, then people would be trying even harder.

We are well aware of the consequences of nuclear weapons, and yet we still test them out and “make them better”. We choose not to sustain nuclear weapons, despite the threat of human extinction as a result of using them.

Water is a resource we cannot live without, and yet we do not use it sparingly. It is expected that by 2025, there will be water shortages in every country. Seventy percent of all fresh water is used for irrigation. Can you imagine? Seventy percent!! Twenty percent is used by industry, and the remaining ten percent is made up of residential purposes! We are exploiting the resource we need to survive. Does this show how much we care about preserving ourselves?

I think this is partly due to the surplus population of humans, and of the idea that either the possibility of the human race going extinct improbable because of the amount of people; or this may just be a great example of the diffusion of responsibility theory. The diffusion of responsibility theory states that you feel less personally responsible when other people are witnessing the same emergency.

I think this is due to the common misconception of the afterlife (yeah, you should’ve seen it coming!!) and of souls being eternal. What is the point of caring about the extinction of mankind if their souls live on forever, eh?

My thoughts send me on a carousel

… “ Here I am standing on my own, not a motion from the telephone, I know not a reason why, solitude’s a reason to die!”

Geez. I miss blink. I miss alot of old bands. But I definitely do not miss the Spice Girls. And sadly, people are saying the one band that defined the teeny bopper within my four-year-old body, is returning. I can hear it now:
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / Make it last forever friendship never ends / If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give /Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.”

I’ll tell you what I want. GTFO.

But anyways.

I’m going to the dentist today. And then we are going grocery shopping.

Yesterday, I was listening to this unreleased song called “Love” by the Cure. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. Dude, every line starts with “Love is… ” and then there’s a noun. Surprisingly enough, the noun varies. And then the chorus is all like, “Love is you. Love is you and me. Love is believing we are to be.” or something like that. I threw my arms in the air and punched my brother’s swiss ball. The swiss ball is a ninja so it was not affected. Then I got even angrier and started cursing. Then I felt better.
*ahem* But yah. I was very disappointed.

AH!!!!! Official TSL preorders… With a signed CD. And a t-shirt. Not sure if I’ll buy it. Mostly because preorders suck and the CD comes late. That’s what happened with Brand New’s record. Mmph. I feel so much closer to owning it!
… And I’m worried that if I preorder it now, Best Buy’ll end up adding five bonus tracks or something. Not to mention that Best Buy is so much cheaper.
… Actually, the band manager already said that other stores are going to have bonus tracks. Lame. But this means signed stuff! =(
… And dude, the t-shirt is really lame.
Oh, f*** it. I’ll preorder it. And now that I’m at the store, maybe I’ll get a TSL sweatshirt. Because I’d be awesome once I own a TSL sweatshirt.

/impulse shopper
_________________

Mmph. So, I think I should define my beliefs once more. In a list because lists are cool.

• The bible is a story, and should not be taken as fact.
• If you can pick and choose whichever parts of the bible are metaphorical, who is to say the creation of the earth is not a metaphor?
• The afterlife does not exist. You are no longer conscious after you die- this rule applies to non-believers and theists alike. The laws of nature will not change for you if you decide to believe in one thing or another.
• Fate does not, either.
•  I am not worried about being condemned to hell forever, because god is a man-made concept.
• I only believe in abstinence before marriage not because of religious beliefs, but because there are less problems that way.
• When I die, I do not care how you dispose of my body. I’ll be dead.
• Angels do not exist. Just because something good happened to you, it does not mean that you have to give credit to a divine being. Good things happen without divine intervention.
• Souls are not really there, either. Our consciousness does not correlate dualism.
• I don’t really believe in love, either. Love is a byproduct of evolution, and that is it.
•  And, of course, god does not exist. (I’ll quote Lorren here, “So, where is god? Is he hanging around Saturn or something?” xD)
• The devil (or the new name, “satan” (here, I’ll digress. The bible uses the term “devil”, but modern-day christians call the devil “satan”, instead. Are they getting a little embarrassed, here? The same thing applies to creation —> intelligent design.))  does not exist.
• Hell does not exist.
• Heaven does not exist.

Overall… Anything that implies divine intervention, I do not believe in.

[/rant]

Because where we’ve been is who we were

…”We started wrapping our regrets in cloth, are you defined by all the things you want? Or did you get caught up in the things that we are not? You were born to believe you can’t get lost, so when you’d run you’d always run too far.”

I love Swans by The Format. They just did this acoustic thing for AOL, with Swans on it *faints*

Uh. So I can hardly walk. But I’m just complaining. My mommy gave me pizza. Now I know she cares. But that was yesterday, and today she’s making me clean her dishes and make my brother and his friend breakfast. Lame. Totally shafted.

I watched a documentary last night called The Yes Men, which is about this group of dudes who posed as people from the World Trade Organization and went to conferences and such and told people what the WTO has actually accomplished. It was a really great anti-corporate movie, I can’t wait until I get more of them.

My mother is overwhelmingly dramatic now that my father is gone. Nothing gets done around the house and I am left to clean it up. I can’t stand it. We may have the same mental disorder; we may even take the same medication (or none at all, if you get my drift)- but we handle things completely differently and I cannot stand how she lives. I agree with my father in the sense that the household cannot function with out him. I am thoroughly against my mother’s co dependence on him because he is a man and she feels she cannot do anything since she is a woman.

Mmph. I can’t wait until I can go to summer school; at least it means that I get an opportunity out of this house. I wish I could drive; but mom and dad said that I can get my permit next year because blah blah blah. I hate their excuses for these kinds of things. I know they love me; blah blah blah; but it’s so frustrating!

So. I’m crippled for the first day of summer vacation.

Whatever. I have little else to do since I am making breakfast for myself, so here are the adventures of a lowly web-troller. Enjoy.

I love how reasonable theists can be. The article is pretty darned funny, though:
“A South Carolina library system has closed down its summer programs for young adults after receiving threats and allegations that it was trying to promote “witchcraft” and “drug use.”

The Pickens County Library System’s half-hour summer programs for middle and high school students were supposed to take a light-hearted look at the topics “Secrets and Spies: How to Keep a Secret by Writing in Code or Making Invisible Ink” and “What’s Your Sign?” Another program was to examine astrology, palmistry, and numerology; and others were to feature tarot cards, tie-dying t-shirts, how to make a Zen garden, and yoga.”

Cool picz.

And here’s some awesome science graffiti.(it was too big to actually post here.)

Yeah. Swt.

I want food. There’s a spider on the ceiling. My bruises on my leg are dark purple. They look really hardcore and a little cinematic. It’s raining like hell outside (ironic.)

Oh, the preorders for TSL are a-coming! I cannot wait! But considering the fact that it’ll be really cheap at like best buy or something… Lame. I’m going to have to wait. I’m going to die. I swear it.

Aurora Borealis from space.

So here’s a present to let you know I still exist

… “A sip for every second-hand tick, and for every time you fed me the line, “you mean so much to me…” I’m without you. It’s 8:45, the weather is getting better by the hour, I hope it rains there all the time.”

I slept over at Megan’s house. And I can proudly say, thanks to inertia, that I got ninja-ed by a damn bicycle. I feel like an idiot. So I have now suffered my second biking accident in my entire life. It’s pretty embarrassing, but it was so hardcore. AND I hid it from her mother. Swt.

… Actually, it wasn’t that bad. It still hurts really badly. But I did not cry over it. I TOOK IT LIKE A MAN!

… Compare that to the massive amount of crying I managed to conjure up a few hours before as I left school.

Dear you:

I really wish I never met you. I want to hear you sad. I want you to feel every single time you have hurt me without knowing it. And I want to hate you as much as I hate myself for not hating you. I want you to realize how important you are to me. I cried over you more than I had when I actually was physically hurt. Doesn’t that symbolize how far you run? I can’t think of you without crying. I cried over your picture, but nobody will know that. You will never know that. You don’t care at all.

I was waiting for you all day long. I even cried when you were away. And then you came and I was suddenly so happy. And then I felt the same.

To hell with penises. (penii?)

*ahem*

Anyways.

I took picz at school yesterday. I’m getting them developed right now. I wonder how terrible they will turn out. Because disposable cameras suck. Really badly. But whatever. At least I took picz.

The Format is going to release their record, Dog Problems, for free on their website on Tuesday to download. I love these dudes. They were planning on it before, but it’s really happening. Sadly, I already own it.

So now I’ve made the decision

… “To walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life, because it’s too scarred and bloody to be enough, and I don’t have the right stuff- all I have are the empty boxes to carry away your heart.”

Today was alot of fun. We did yearbook signing all day long. Hence, picz.

I signed Logan’s yearbook this morning. I hope he is here tomorrow so he can sign mine. I said something along the lines of “Everybody probably tells you this, but I’ve always wanted to get to know you better”.. Etc. It just didn’t sound that pathetic.

I enjoyed reading everything people told me. I just feel like I have heard it all before. And I suppose this cynicism is brought about just because today reeked of finality.

“This will be the last time I… “

And tomorrow is the last day! Last year I didn’t cry on the last day. But I have a feeling that I might tomorrow. I don’t understand why, though. My friends are still going with me up to the high school, so everything should be just fine. And yet I feel all melancholic.

I guess it’s just that I won’t see most of them during the summer. I guess.

Megan told me today that I am going to be a philosopher. She said that I will. She made it sound all great. The sad thing is, I made this world up so it doesn’t matter.

Yesss. The album art is out for Directions. I am so psyched. Oh, July, why won’t you come sooner? I’m thinking of pre-ordering it, because I am so looking forward to this.

My birthday is coming up in less than a month. I need to figure out stuff.

… You know what I said earlier about Adbusters? Yeah. Here’s the excerpt (I’m doing it word-for-word. Yeah, the beginning of sentences should be capitalized. It annoys me, too.):

” We kill ourselves slowly, by eating too much or too little, becoming fat or anorexic, or diabetic. physically and psychologically we whither away in our culture of collective self-absorption and material sloth. and our boundless, insatiable greed now threatens to drag the entire planet down with us.

meanwhile, in our eyes, the islamist suicide bomber has come to epitomize “the terrorist”, a modern savage, a psychopathic degenerate utterly disconnected from any redeeming social or moral values. yet, in fact, this “other” is a man whose life revolves around the mosque, daily prayer, restrained dress, moderate fasting, a tight-knit family and community. When pushed to the limit, a committed muslim may decide to sacrifice his own life, his own body, for what he sees as a greater social and spiritual good. which one of us in the west will do this now?

this is the existential divide.”

Ah. That really made me think.

 NO! I was watching this show yesterday night and the dude on the television said, “About 94% of the universe is missing.” (They counted atoms or something… It turns out, atoms do not thrive throughout the entire universe. There’s stuff like black matter and black energy… Really complex stuff.) Dude! Not only is the earth more insignificant than we originally thought, my existence is even more insignificant than I originally thought!

ex·is·ten·tial·ism     
n.   A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one’s acts.

Gah! Okay, so here are my current thought processes:

- it does not matter if my existence matters or not because this is the only chance I get at experiencing anything in the first place. Whether I matter or not, I will be dead and not be able to realize it.

- So, then, why does it matter to me? Pondering the idea is so pointless!

- I wonder if everybody else is thinking of this. Probably not, because I went so hardcore with it.

-  I suppose this was brought about just because *gasp* we’re going up to the high school. I’m three-quarters of the way through with it. All of it. This is the death of part of my life.

 *ahem*

But anyways. We only have two classes tomorrow. And then the assembly and then we leave.  My little brother is graduating tomorrow. And yet he does not want to attend his graduation, either, and does not want to have anybody sign his yearbook. I do not understand. He is so much more social than that. But then again, I didn’t stay after. I wish I kind of did, but I was very anti-social. It’s just that there will be people he will not see again for a very long time (or, he’d just never see them again) and I suppose making an effort to stay in touch would be a good idea.

Mmph.

… And when I think about life and how I had expected myself to be when I turned fourteen, when I was a freshman, are the exact opposite of who I am now. I’m not sure if that is a good thing. I suppose it is, since I would hate to be the epitome of a ten-year-old’s idealism.

Out of nowhere, this came into my head:

“Let’s clean the floor together!”

Oh, and I realized this.. It’s so awesome:

Because I am an atheist, I do not have to have a proper wedding.

F*** yeah. So, my wedding will consist of:

- Everybody dressing up as a president/first lady/mythical creature of my choosing

- One person dressing up as Cheney and shooting somebody else (who is dressed up as Harry Whittington) with a water pistol, but the water pistol will be filled with heavy cream. Haha. Innuendos.

- We will be married by a dude dressed up as Zelda

- We will have wedding vows which admit the following:

• Pi equals three
• Women are inferior to men
• God made women first
• God killed his own son as a result of his “ultimate plan”
• God plans every single abortion and murder
• God is outside of time and therefore we cannot know him
• If you “knew” somebody in the bible, it implies sexual intercourse (seriously.)
• We are inside of time and there is no reason to believe in something “outside of time” since nobody has ever seen him
• The Virgin Mary was a w****.
• I created the universe a week ago and memory is an illusion

- Our wedding bands will be replaced with USB drives in the shape of Darth Vader

- We will be married in Costco

- We will dress up a pygmy marmoset as a Myopic Sasquatch Rockette, and give this to each other as a sign of our love:

My heart hangs from this noose

… “like your footsteps in crowded rooms, this is what you imagine. Catch a glimpse from an empty stare hidden eyes behind your auburn hair it’s just as it should be… Broken glass on the porcelain, this is what you imagine. We’ll forget what we used to say, and our lives won’t mean anything, it’s just as it should be.”

Hah. “Odysseus dresses up as a hobo.” Haha. It was so worth wasting five hours of my life having to hear the book being said, just to hear my teacher say that. (Not really.)

Anyways, this whole thing about The Odyssey is very boring, but it was neat to read up on Greek anthropology as I was at it.. Up until they started talking about pederasty. That was a bit awkward.

Geez. I was watching this show on the age of the Earth, and this dude used this metaphor… He had a baby picture on the table, and he said that every two millimeters behind it would equal ten years or something like that. And then he said he was going to go “back in time” to the creation of the earth, and he ended up going from New York to California, and California equalled the “creation of the earth”. Can you imagine? One person’s existence- my existence (hey, I’m a solipsist, I can be as selfish as I want since everybody else’s existence is a mere phantom of my creation)- means nothing at all; we are just a tiny slice of time and space in the major scheme of things (hence, the subtitle of my blog. Actually, that was there before I even watched this, but whatever.)

… And then I thought of how this is all made up. And then I realized that it does not matter how tiny I am compared to everything else- because this is my experience, and mine alone; if I didn’t exist, neither would the universe. Swt.

… But isn’t everyone *kind of* a solipsist? If you were Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future Part Three, and you got in a fight with that other cowboy dude, if he died, the sun would come up the next day; if you died, wouldn’t you expect for the sun not to rise the next day? Reality is defined through experience, because there is no other way to truly define it, according to qualia.

Qualia is a philosophical concept which means, essentially, that a thing one person experiences may be totally different from another person’s experience, but there is no way to prove this because these experiences are given names, and that is the only way one can describe the experience.

Example: Two people may be claiming to “see red”, but everybody’s color receptors are different- so one person maybe experiencing a color, but it was just labeled as red when they first started learning how to speak, so their “red” may be completely different from somebody else’s “red”.

Geez. I feel very morbid. I need to lighten up my spirits:

The Life and Times of Abraham Lincoln Proceeding His Death

Abraham Lincoln was killed by a roadside bomb in Pakistan. Supposedly. But new evidence says otherwise. Observe Abraham Lincoln walking around Antarctica:

Abraham decided it was not safe to reveal his true name, given all the skeptics and mean people who did not believe in his existence in the first place, so he went under an assumed name. Actually, he had alot of assumed names during his afterlife:

Harry Potter

Pubert Picklecopter

Pumpernickel Quetzelcoatl

Señor Poñyta (He liked his pokemans)

Mr. Wizard

Mr. Wonderbottom

 

… These are only the tip of the iceberg (ha! Puns!)

And do you think I forgot about poor little Mrs. Lincoln? I did not. She lives in Argentina, and feeds dolphins. She is not aware of her husband’s real existence, and quite frankly, she does not care. She is madly in love with a lovely young man. I am not aware of this young man’s name, I believe he is named Pancho, but, I digress. This young man is beautiful, and he has opened up a universe for homely little Mrs. Lincoln (or, as of August 22nd, Mrs. RainbowPoñy.) as one would expect from a little man who looks like this:

 

ANYWAYS! Back to Amanda, bringing the awesome and unexpected by acting totally intelligent:

… Actually, before that, you know what makes Amanda feel like she is on amphetamines? Yes, The Starting Line is shooting a video for Islands! *teeny bopper scream*

But, sadly, here is my prediction: The Starting Line is going to get tons of attention because they are on a new record label, and they are going to promote them like no band has been promoted before, since they were so shafted during their Based on a True Story era. So, uh, they’re goin’ mainstream. I will be annoyed, but my loyalty to this band will not falter.

Eh. Bright Eyes is going to be on the television on the twentieth; and with that wonderful segue…

Conor Oberst:

Emo spiderman:

Do you see a difference? I think not.

 

*ahem*

So, humans access one another by their physical attractiveness. But how do humans access beauty?

I was reading about this theory… It’s so neat! Essentially, these people were saying that humans have this formula of sorts encoded in their genes, that (in order to carry out evolutionary process) determines how you see beauty. Your idea of beauty is brought about by nature combining your genes with a potential mate’s genes, therefore determining the outlook of your offspring. The fascinating thing is, the combination of these traits increase your offspring’s chances of carrying out their evolutionary process! Isn’t that so spectacular?

Sure, there was another theory of how symmetry is beautiful… But the other theory is way cooler.

I am such a nerd.

 

 

You said you would be my dream, I could have you every night

… “and if, by morning, I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be all right ’cause you are the reoccurring kind. You never really leave my mind. Are you the love of my lifetime? ‘Cause there have been times I have had my doubts.”

I have Haagen-Dazs ice cream. I feel like a queeeeen.

So, it took us an hour to get home after school because there was an accident by the high school and the traffic was so terrible. An inch a minute, I tell you.

I have the house to myself for the next few hours and I have absolutely no idea as to what to do with myself. I want to relish being alone in my house, but there’s nothing that I can do now that I wouldn’t do without other people around. I’m far too simple. Or maybe too truthful. I should start keeping secrets, because I must be so boring.

Uh. Jack’s did a thing for Instant Karma, in which they sing a song named “God”. You guys know how much I adore this band/how I have listened to every single song made by them besides “Cell Phone” and “Dear Jack”… But after the first six seconds of listening to this song, I couldn’t stand it. Does this make me an idiot?

OKAY! THIS IS IT!

Attn: absolutely all of the companies in the world

STOP MAKING THOSE F&*%$#@ POP UNDER ADS!

AND!

STOP OPENING UP INTERNET EXPLORER JUST TO ADVERTISE!

*cough cough*

Anyways.

I’m writing a note to my future ghost

… “It seems like things are only getting better, it seems like we can never catch a break.”

I cannot get past my anticipation for this record! It’s going to be great, I’m telling you, more than great- spectacular! AH! (By the way, that is the only thing I have been thinking about all day. There are a few exceptions. But this number is very small. Seriously. I’m that hardcore.)

BUT ANYWAYS! Today, we presented our powerpoint presentations in digitools. Surprisingly, I volunteered. My mind was somewhere else thinking about, uh, somebody, and then I volunteered. It was really… Odd. But I did it anyways and my teacher really liked my presentation for its creativity. Swt. Ah! So busy! I have plans this weekend, as well as next friday, in addition to the freshman dance. Hmm. Not to mention my current monetary dilemma. Which I will not discuss further (I’m such a tease, aren’t I? =D) Yuup. Still brainstorming. I want a dress that will last. I want it to look professional (Or at least, as professional as it can get without a serger) but gosh… This is stressing me out very much! I really wish I could have profound conversations with people without sounding like an idiot. I’m only half your worth but I love you more than you love yourself.