And, oh, how I’d remember you

… “and how I’d push my fingers through your mouth to make those muscles move that made your voice so smooth and sweet!”

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea has been my favorite song lately. I keep getting more and more interested in Neutral Milk Hotel, really.

But uh, yeah, sorry for the lack of updates. It’s either been preoccupational distress, self-induced or not, that leads me to work or repulsed by it. Leading me away from the computer. Yeah.

Uh, I’ve been drafting this in my head for a while, but now that I’ve actually arrived, the eloquence has been lost. Sorry. But I’ll do my best to follow through with this.

So, I’m afraid of graduating. I went to that Running Start orientation meeting at school a few days ago. Clearly, this is for those confident academics that feel they are aware of the career path that is, indeed, comparable to moving out to the west. (Uh, manifest destiny. Thinkin’ about those Giants in the Earth, yeah.) I have no idea as to what I want to do when I get out of college. Or out of high school, same difference. The only thing I have ever had a passion for is english. I mean, science may come and go- this interest I have in evolution may leave me sooner than I expect- but I’ve always been great with english. The only job that was listed on WOIS (yeah, that place) that seemed to fit me somehow that wasn’t totally degrading was, indeed, “proofreader.” One word. So like, companies hire them to look over their stuff? Yeah. That’s as far as I went with the thought. Sociology is the second choice. I know that evolutionary psychology will get me nowhere.

I have so many important decisions that I am going to have to make, very soon. Not to mention the AP test that is within a month. In fact, a month from tomorrow is the day I have my AP test. I have to also get assessed for Running Start, y’know, pay the fifteen bucks and go to the testing center and get that done and over with. Oh, and scholarships, because as much as dad tries to assure me that he’ll pay for school and my housing as soon as I get out of high school- I know there’s no way we can afford to do that. Even if the college/university I’ll be attending has to be in-state, because it’s cheaper. As much as I want to go to Oxford or Cambridge. Yeah.

Hah, wow. My creative writing prompt from last year. Now I feel like I can reflect on it properly.

The thing is, it sounds too serious. The tone is too much for me. I say, “the,” too often when I link verbs to nouns. The entire story is all pretty disjointed. The play on words is great, but I think I lost the meaning because I was trying so hard to manipulate the words like that. It was a bit distracting, too. It takes a great deal of effort to understand what the plot line is because of how poetic it is. Some of it, I’m not sure of other people can understand because of the metaphors I used. I like it, in the sense that the character introduces herself in a pretty straightforward way. I didn’t want it to be so in-your-face that you could tell the author was just trying to characterize the person they are talking about. I introduced it all by saying something along the lines of, “when in situations that require small-talk, once discusses the following.” Or something like that. I would like to rewrite it, however, I think it’s best for me to keep it the way it is out of nostalgia.

… It doesn’t help that Debbie said it made her giggle when she read it at first. That made me feel very self-conscious.

I was trying to find the excerpt when I stumbled across my old entries from last year. Man, so much has changed in just a few months. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it alot. There are certain songs that I listened to so much last year, that they pretty much describe the entire year:

1. Frame by Frame- The Honorary Title. I loved this song for a few months. Like, that was the only song I listened to for months. It always reminds me of how stressful last year was. It’s not so much the words that make/made me feel emotional, it was the music that did it.
2. Tune Out- The Format. I listened to this song while I was making my dress for freshman and when I was reading Les Miserables. It reminds me of spring so much because it was the only time I really enjoyed the song.
3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups. Man, I listened to this song this year, too. It’s mostly another angst song about homeskillet.
4. When Paula Sparks- Copeland. Yeah, this song really hits the spot. Another angst song.
5. Photography- The Starting Line. Man, so much emotion here. It builds so nicely. This has to be one of my favorite songs by them. There’s a period of time in which my entries begin with quotes only from that song, I think it was April or May, because I couldn’t think of another song I liked to refer to, haha.

When it’s with those angst songs, I tend to feel a sense of remorse for myself because of how terrible things were at the time. I don’t feel that way about what has happened this year, though, even if it’s worse than last year. I guess it’s because I don’t feel closure for that right now. It could still get worse.

In all honesty, though, I was going crazy last year. No one can really grasp that. I was stuck in a state of being and un-being. I was trying to figure things out. The entries that I wrote back then are pretty intense. I had never felt so strange, stressed out, or inert than I had at that time. Despite that, though, I wish I was back at that point again. Creativity flowed.

Yesterday gave me a lot of things to think about. Basically, I’m living last January all over again. Man, I didn’t like him the first time he liked me and he digs me again. And it only makes me feel more agitated by him. Because he acts all hyper when he wants my attention. asdjfowiejklsjd Why do I have to be so cool? :3

I wrote about this in my writing-journal-thing and it came out pretty nicely. I bought that moleskine notebook a few weeks ago with Riza and I decided to use it. I want to fill this notebook up even if it’s not really a notebook. It’s more like a steno pad. Which is unfortunate because it’s very difficult to write on- but I had an epiphany that was basically, “OH! That’s what the elastic is for!” and it solved all my problems. Everyone has their brilliant moments, haha.

I’m staying home from school today because I am sick. I couldn’t stay home earlier this week because I had so much to do. But, uh, this gets me out of the orthodontic appointment even if I wasn’t dreading it that much? :S

My project with Megan went brilliantly. I’m pretty proud of how well we pulled it off. We had practiced through lunch and that was the most of our efforts. We had to have it memorized, but we managed to do it all pretty nicely. And I loved throwing a sammich at her, even if I didn’t really throw it at her. I didn’t want to throw a sammich in her face during our presentation. She stresses out too much as it is. So I threw it to the right of her. Except earlier we were playing around and I threw a sammich at her right boob. That was awkward.

Next week is testing week for most of the school. Except for me, because I took the test early. So I have about fifteen hours next week to do absolutely nothing. Why, oh, WHY, did I have to be sick the week before that? Uncool.

Uh, we have Cinnamon Toast Crunch so it’s kind of okay? Even if I cannot taste it? And I might throw it up later today? Oh, Amanda, your attempts at optimism are overwhelming.

And sink into oblivion.

Uh, yeah. The team I planned on going with didn’t make it to state. Melissa kept apologizing to me about that today. I know just as well as she does that they have no intention of taking me as an alternate. I don’t blame her for it. I’m still very bummed out, though. I really wanted to go. I guess this is a stupid thing to cry over, but I guess I’m willing to waste that energy. Yeah, my priorities are out of whack and I’m seeking attention from my audience. So much so that I choose to write stupid and corny metaphors to grab their attention.

You know how I said that Knowledge Bowl makes me feel inadequate? Yeah. I guess it is something worth crying over. lasjdflskjflkdsfk

And soon I leave the infirmary

Feeling well, but lacking courage.

My english and math finals went pretty well. My essay, however, was far too laconic for my tastes- but how much can a person write in thirty minutes?! Er, yeah, I could’ve saved more time for the essay, but, uh, there’s no use dwelling on the past! :D

I did really well on my final in Spanish, too. I got a B on it. I thought I failed it, man, haha.

And you know how I found her address? Yeah, I just realized that I can send her a letter. Old-fashioned, but if it gets the message across and enables me to forgive myself to some kind of degree, then it’s a good thing, after all. I just have to let my parents know. Somehow. They think that I’m completely over it, since this was four or five years ago. I was over it for a little while, but I’ve never given up the curiosity (Ahahaa, “wonderment.”) of how she is doing now.

Mallorie was gone in first period today, so I didn’t really get to talk to her. I talked to her in third period, instead. I look forward to speaking with her for some reason. She’s so quiet if you do not approach her, but the second you do, she gets all laskjdfowije on you.

AH! The Format is on hiatus? Even if they were planning on recording another album? I’m dying on the inside. That just ruined my month, dude. I was looking forward to their new record so badly. It was up there with the new Jack’s record. Man, their solo stuff better be good. I’m going to crawl up into a ball and cry for a few hours, kthx.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more.

I bend to break.

I’m getting sick. Therefore, it made finals pretty unbearable and left me feeling incredibly used up. I finished my first final in an hour and had nothing to do for the rest of the period. Basically, today was full of inactivity, up until the final.

I want to get out of this carpool deal so badly. I can’t stand the frustration I am experiencing right now. Honestly, I could hurt myself, I am so frustrated.

So, uh, the guy that I’ve like(d) for however many years digs my best friend. I shouldn’t worry about it. I’m trying to remain as indifferent as possible. I know she’d never hurt me.

Hah. He’s interested in sociology. I hate myself.

I left school early today because I felt sick, and quite honestly, there was nothing else to look forward to during my latter classes. It’s just review.

I had a discussion with my parents the other night. It really changed the way I thought about relationships. Here’s the gist of it:

1. In order to establish a relationship, you don’t really need to have a crush on the other person. Apparently, those feelings develop over time.
2. They didn’t seem to value long-term relationships much. When I used the term, “mate,” it freaked them out. They said that if I were to be in a relationship, the whole point is to have fun, even if you know the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. Basically, they said that there’s no point in acting like you’re going to marry someone you’re dating in high school when you’re well aware that you won’t.

Er, yeah, only two points. But it really changed the way I thought about relationships. I’ve always thought that short term relationships are, well, skanky. I suppose short-term relationships are healthy, only if they are in moderation.  And it certainly eases me back into infatuation, somehow. Well, it could. But I won’t allow it.

Man, self-discipline has become so much of a part of my thoughts and my life. I’m not sure if that is healthy.

Given my drastic change of plans, I’m scurrying to sew myself that dress. Uh, yeah, I’m going to Tolo. Kind of. I’m making plans with Amelia, hopefully it works out.

I scheduled an appointment with the counselor so I can jump-start my credits and figure out what I’m going to do about my career.

I received my PLAN results yesterday. It says that I should be a scientist or a sociologist. As cool as either of them would be, I’m just becoming more and more doubtful of whichever career I choose. Man, I would love to be an editor, but journalism is so competitive and tricky, I don’t think it’s something I would be particularly successful at. Not to mention that the PLAN’s questions concerning career choice wasn’t exactly logical. It asked you to choose between one thing or another (Would you rather write a book or conduct scientific studies?) and choose how much you’d like to do it.

Perhaps I am far too complex, but it really sucked being forced to do that. Mostly because the rationale behind each choice was so far from what it could be read as.  In reference to the example I used, this is what I thought when I encountered that question: I don’t really like writing. But the entire scientific process is pretty vapid, too. Man, I love science, though.  Writer’s block annoys me, but after I get the hang of it, it’s not too bad. I just don’t want them to think that I enjoy that process, although, the field in which writing is in is something I wouldn’t mind being a part of. But science is my passion. I love science. I don’t want them to think, though, that I’m not considering the former. But if I put the degree of enjoyment I get out of these activities in the middle, then they might think that I’m being indifferent, which is far from my intent. Actually, they might even throw out the questions I rated “in the middle,” because they are not at either extreme and are, therefore, meaningless. Given the fact that people who are scoring these things, they don’t care about me at all. They have tons of other tests to score. Which means they’ll throw out the question.

Yeah. I suck. My brain had, pretty much, exploded from absolute frustration as I was being tested during the easiest portion.

I keep burning my fingers from trying to rekindle the flame

Today was a pretty good day.

My teacher: Which neurotransmitter is responsible for schizophrenia (and something else..)

Me: ACETYLCHOLINE!

My teacher: Wrong.

Me: I hate myself.

The class begins to laugh, thankfully. Before you jump to some weird conclusion of how outgoing I am, I’ll have you know we were in teams and were competing for extra credit. Which I need.

After school, I hung out with Heather. Then she left. And I found a dictionary of existentialism, which I totally saturated myself with for about twenty minutes before Zoe came. So we read “together” for a little while. Then Cameron came over and all hope was lost when it came to reading the book. For some strange reason, Cameron is pushing me to ask Logan to Tolo.

1. He doesn’t have the time.
2. I don’t particularly love him anymore.
3. I shouldn’t keep putting him in awkward positions like this.
4. Homecoming sucked.
5. I don’t really like him anymore.
6. I suck too much whenever I’m around him, even if I don’t like him anymore (note, this is the third time I’ve said it.)
7. The expected role of being really cuddly-wuddly wouldn’t wash too well with me.
8. We’d probably ignore each other the entire time.

And yet, when Caitlin Larson came into the library to talk with us, she said,”That’d be so cute!”Everyone else proceeded to encourage her. That made me feel really awkward, and for some reason, I couldn’t point out that I don’t really like him anymore. I guess all the certainties I had of the date-tion-ship thing we could possibly have were abrogated. Except only temporary.

I told Cameron that if he was so interested in this, then he can ask him for me. I don’t care. Except I have no real desire to go with him, and I’m pretty sure that if the rare occasion of Cameron asking him for me were to occur, he would say no. It’s a win-win situation. Not really.

But, of course, counterfactual thinking isn’t something I am particularly great at, being the cynic I am.

On Jezebel, there was an article citing what women want in their, omgz, dream man. I appreciate Jezebel’s approach on it, because, quite honestly, reading things like those on their website makes me feel less like a teenager. Which I appreciate greatly. But anyways. I have never given my “dream guy” much thought. When I was little, I had such ideas. As I grew older, I found no need for one. I like guys with blue eyes. But I don’t think it’s essential to whomever I may choose as a mate. I couldn’t tolerate a stupid guy, but then again, that’s just my standard. It’s not a dream necessarily, it’s a standard. A Dream Person seems like one that is either unattainable or nonexistent. I don’t have that many rigid guidelines when it comes to a mate for I am pretty flexible, really. I don’t know. I’ve never pondered that idea too closely.

Hah, I’ve come to the realization that perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed of the fact that I talk about people that I like and all that stuff that is related to adolescence. I have already differentiated myself from my peers enough. Except I’ll continue to dislike it when I act like a teenager.

Long-winded promises of future company.

… Up close, the sound remains the same. Without the reign of terror over any momentary change, we are exactly as before.

Wow, at times, listening to Motion City really changes perspective.

I took two tests today and I have one more left. Mmph.

I have virtually no plans. Tolo is coming up very soon, therefore, there’s this frantic throng of women trying to find a mate. It’s quite sad. I’ve come to the consensus that I’m not going. There isn’t a point. Although, my idea of a dress will probably apply to Allie’s party instead.

But, uh, I’m going to the commissary tomorrow? Is that even something to look forward to?

Today was extraordinarily long. I can’t believe I even got through it. I nearly fell asleep as I was waiting for Mr. Speck to come to the room so I can turn in my vocabulary test.

I have very little to talk about. But I”m in the mood to type, so I’ll just run with it.

I’ve been consumed with the idea that, as sad as it may be, I will inevitably die alone. That sucks because I’m the coolest person I know. I’m not too shabby looking, either. Maybe if I threw my self out there, I’ve get myself a man. Decidedly, as much as I try to avoid the craze of Tolo, it has come for me somehow and I think I may be buying into it. Because, essentially, after the dance everyone is going to be a couple again and I’ll be alone like I always am. Not the thing I’m looking for, really. If this school wasn’t so full of idiots and druggies, then I could conceivably have a chance at dating someone who has at least half of the standard brain mass of a teenager. These are the people that are bringing that average down.

The worst thing is, a relationship and that sort of intimacy is the last thing I want for myself right now. I hate being touched. I hate it. There isn’t even a person I like anymore. I won’t deny that I feel somewhat lonely, though. It sucks having friends and suddenly, they disappear because they care more about their boyfriends/girlfriends. I’m tired of this happening to me, because clearly, it’s impossible to predict whether someone will someday decide substitute you. Somehow, I find myself wanting this even if it’s the antithesis of whatever I really want in my life right now. And that annoys me.

Man, we would be lonely together.

Today’s Friday, it is my day to do what I want.

… Put on my makeup, dress up in color, pretend to be anything you need.

Dear you:

Man, I hate thinking about you. I am really not into you anymore. I don’t understand why, but y’know, you’re a real jerk. You can be cool sometimes but you make it so easy to be uncomfortable, and I doubt that’ll ever change. I’ll never get used to you. You are such a people-pleaser. You dilute yourself too often to even know what you really are. You act like a jerk around your friends and you turn around and act wonderfully to me, but that’s only when you’re by yourself. I don’t think I can handle that. I need a degree of static to get along with you. I don’t know you all that much in the first place even though I’ve known you for years, but even if you say that someday we might get closer, I don’t think I’m looking forward to it. You’re the most awkward person on this planet because of your overconfidence. It’s just too much for me to deal with. I couldn’t read you if I tried. I understand there isn’t one “true” self, but your varying degrees of personality and adaptability are too disparate to be from the same source. You constantly make it impossible to make conversation. Hah, and you’ll never have the time, either.

But anyways.

Tomorrow is Christmas, indeed. We’re going to wake up early and open presents. My mom doesn’t want to participate in the ritual this time around, but then again, she is always the person who breaks traditional practices like these. We may have the same thing, but it seems like I try so much harder than she does.

Oh, god. You lied. You’re not always around when I need you. I’m slowly dying on the inside, yeah.

Solitude’s a reason to die

Man, I hate folded potato chips.

Even if my friends love me enough to stand up for me, they went a bit far. Basically, they told this guy to leave me alone because of his overwhelming crush on me. I had no clue they’d do this to him- oh, imagine the embarrassment. That was something I had not planned on. Even if he was annoying me, there’s no reason to hurt his feelings.

Aw, but anyways. I talked to Mary and Shelley for the first time in weeks–it’s a start. I still feel very lonely.

Extremely exhausted. I can’t wait until Thursday comes, so I won’t be so stressed out. There’s so much going on right now. ;lsjf;lksjdflksjdflkjsdf But yes, I am very stressed out and I feel like my brain is going to explode. I haven’t eaten in days, and my sleeping habits are pretty askew, as well.

Dear you:

Gosh, why can’t you be logical for once in your life?! Detect this exasperation of mine to realize how foolish you are being right now. He’s not important. He’s treating you terribly and you still want him back. There’s nothing you can do, so stop thinking about it.

I’m the most insensitive person on this planet but that’s something I won’t do for you–sugarcoat things so you feel like you’re right. You’re not. He’s acting normally. This isn’t an affair to remember. Even if he were acting strangely, that shouldn’t matter because you guys aren’t dating anymore. You have no claim over him.

With you, I’d hide forever at last

Why are we even friends if you don’t act like you care?

I miss the way you sing hello

… “like when I’d hear your voice over the radio in my car. You know every word they say, you knew just the right things to say to them, distance ripped us farther and farther and farther away. I’ll see you soon, if you’re coming back here.”

Happy Guy Fawkes’ Night!

I have Key Club to go to today, even if I hadn’t planned on seeing her all week long. Does that mean I suck? Because I think I need to miss her for a little while. Or whatever.

Edit-

No, you hurt me. I don’t need to miss you, I just don’t want to be around you right now. Maybe you just need to miss me.

You used to call my name

… “Every hour of every day, how I’d live to hear that sound, but every sound gets washed away, we washed away.”

I miss how things used to be, really. I’ve been very irritable lately but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, but I think I just miss my friends. Things were so good last year- and I loved every minute of it- but now I love it even more.

Ugh, I did everything right. I did everything I thought was right.

Last night, I fell in love without you.

… “The stars at night are as big and bright as you make them out to be! And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love, and only time will tell by the usual swell in memory of what we used to call in love- we used to call it love!”

I will be the first to admit that homework has been put on hold for the next couple of weeks. D:

Er, I spent thirty dollars on yarn and I still need to buy more. I suck.

I have a new obsession with these darned comics. They ruin my life.

Anyways, I’m absolutely in love and it’s only going to get worse, yeah. And I still sound like a total idiot whenever he’s around, but it’s okay since he understands? I hate being this young. I don’t know where I stand, quite honestly, but I’m trying as hard as I can not to sink back into the state of despair, teeny-bopperness and literary references. It’s a bit difficult to remain sanguine while also being so darned unsure.

… All thanks to you. The closer I get to you, the farther I feel from me.

Other than that, life is pretty existential. Little to no change occurs within it, and one feels like they are feeding the machine, and that is all. Existentialism is natural, though, because there isn’t a meaning at all- I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Just because I exist, there doesn’t have to be meaning behind it.
Oh, and I’ve managed to get into The Epic of Gilgamesh with no outside help. It’s easy to analyze once you get the point- at first, I felt this “literary masterpiece” could not be assigned a correlation coefficient when it came to the plot line, but it turns out that it does, indeed! So, Gilgamesh is this king who is two-thirds man and one-third god, but he misuses his power at the beginning and the people who he rules over no longer like him (mainly because Gilgamesh has the power to have his way with every new wife on their wedding night. Yah. He’s a jerk.) These people decide to contact the gods so they can try and solve the problem, and this is where Enkidu comes in. They created Enkidu so he could defeat Gilgamesh, but ironically, they end up becoming friends. The gods get angry at both of them and decide that one of them needs to die. They decide to kill Enkidu. Afterwards, they have this huge ceremony celebrating him (which is the most boring part of the book… IT TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TABLET!)

Enkidu’s death brings Gilgamesh to the realization that he could die, too, which motivates him to find the secret to immortality. In which case, he goes up to the mountains and tries to find a plant that will make him immortal…

And that’s where I got. I have some more to read, even if I was supposed to read it last weekend.. D: But the point is, I am interested in it now.

The thing that got me was, why did the gods decide to kill Enkidu and not Gilgamesh? Why not both?

1. Gilgamesh is worse morally than Enkidu, therefore, he should’ve been killed.

- But, the gods are pretty darned selfish, and because Enkidu didn’t carry out what they created him to do, he deserved to die instead?

2. Gilgamesh is not as stable or mature emotionally than Enkidu, so he would not have been able to face his own mortality or his friend’s mortality.

And so, what was the theme of this story?

Most of my classmates said friendship, but I think it’s the opposite. I think it’s about self preservation and on mortality. The term, “Danse Macabre,” comes to mind.

ENOUGH ON THE ANALYSIS,

time to get some hydrogen and oxygen compounds. Peace.

I’m sick of the bends.

… “I can’t compete with all your damn ideas. I suffocate until the end. She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside.”

Debbie’s so amazing. She really does not give herself enough credit for it. Admittedly, she does have flaws, she’s not that super-human, but she’s still really great. I felt terrible earlier today, but then I realized that I’d be seeing Debbie after school and it made me happier!

… Jeebus, we were falling all over the place today. :D It was memorable, indeed. Even if it totally proves that Debbie hates being my partner (because she dropped me… D:)

laskjflsdjf he smiled at me omgz. *roll eyes* Darn it, amygdala!

I watched the newest adaptation of Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke played as Pip some dude named Finnegan? I hate it when they change the names of the people in the movie. If you want to base it off the movie, at least make it recognizable other than the title. All-in-all, it was a nice movie. A wonderful modern interpretation of the book, although I wish they emphasized Miss Havisham’s Ms. Dinsmoor’s role on Pip’s Finnegan’s life. (Jeebus, using these new names is terrible.) They absolutely cut out the whole Estella-being-abused-by-her-husband (and him dying because his horse hated him) thing, as well as her birth parents, AND Pip’s birth parents… alskjdfoiwjer They cut out the elaborate parts of the book, and kept the more shallow sexual scenes. That, I disliked. I valued Great Expectations because of its intricacy, it’s what kept me interested. So much so, that three years after reading it, I remember! Even if it was a decent movie, I really think it could’ve been better.

Riza’s birthday is next week and I have to make her a present. D:

I’m going to that diversity thing next Friday. We have to be at school at six thirty, and we get at our destination at eight! It’s really far away, but they’re serving us breakfast so it’s okay? AND lunch? I’m getting back home at around four, haha. School ends two hours earlier than that/I can’t go to swing club. D: Hopefully, I will be able to go; only nine students are allowed to go on the field trip.

Psychology has been very stressful, seeing as the chapters are getting longer and more boring than I had originally expected. Don’t get me wrong, a job in this field would be wonderful- my interest in this subject is not as typical as one would expect from a teenager (omgz, I’m so special, I like psychology! Who wouldn’t be interested in psychology?! Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe would find it interesting.) because, as you can tell- I love science! I just feel that the way this course is set up this book sucks. I’ve read better textbooks from the thrift store. From the sixties. Yah.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about social psychology. There’s this principle called diffusion of responsibility, or something, which describes a scenario in which a person is less likely to react to a situation if there are more people around. One person thinks that someone else will do something effective, so they do not do anything to solve a circumstance. Sadly, everyone else in the room is thinking the exact same thing, so nothing is done. This usually happens when one person is in need of something or badly hurt, unfortunately.

… I was just thinking about it because in my classes, the teachers tell really corny jokes. I feel bad for the teacher because they chuckle at themselves and the class does not react at all. Because of the whole diffusion thing, I actually react because I know nobody else will. The same thing applies when the teacher asks the class a question and expects for them to answer, and nobody does. So, decidedly, I’m the loudest person in my classes.

I sleep too well living this way

… “Because I live so well, everyone should be repaid!”

So. The only class I really have to look forward to is World History, since that’s the only class that other people have with me.

Next year is going to suck. I feel a sense of morbidity when it comes to some of my friendships.*le sigh* I feel like crying. Although, to do so would feel like an overreaction. Things work out. Maybe there were people that I didn’t get to see their schedule because they left before I did. But the bottom line is that most of the people that I care about, I’m hardly going to see next year. And that scares me.

I’m going to hang out with Riza tonight for this marching thing. I have no clue as to what this marching thing entails, but what do I have left to lose?

Allie, Debbie, and I are planning on going to the fair tomorrow. All somebody has to do is call and set things up D:

It’s easier for me now to let go of people

… “It’s easier now to recognize when a particular person or set of people no longer contribute to her growth, no longer bring something valuable to her life, and she does not feel that she always has to be sad about that, that she does not have to struggle to hold onto them. As terrible as it may sound simply to let go of people, it’s something I understand, something I think I started to do a long time ago, in subconscious preparation for what was coming next. That’s not to say that I’m letting go of everyone, that I’m going to sever relationships with people who have meant a lot to me and who I know will continue to mean a lot to me, but that it isn’t as hard to leave them now as I thought it would be. Anyone who is truly important will continue to care about me, be involved somehow in my life, regardless of how far away I am, and I them. At the same time, it is easier to recognize when some relationships have run their course, when some things won’t survive past their current context. You can’t let your sadness, when something ceases to have the meaning it once did, paralyze you. You have to keep moving.”

- via heartsleeve.
I admit, this really got me thinking.

but whatever. Time to be silly:

I know nothing stays the same

… “So don’t mind if I fall apart, there’s more room in a broken heart. I believe in love, But what else can I do, I’m so in love with you.“

I didn’t do much today. I tried working on my project and failed miserably, seeing as the textbooks we have been provided suck ass. I watched the Creeper channel or whatever and hated it because the things they show are so terribly corny. I found a new channel called current that I like very much, but I’m not sure if I should because it is overtly lame and Al Gore is the chairperson. I don’t mind Al Gore, it’s just that it looks like it is set up trying to please a young audience, and it is obviously trying too hard. I do like the statistics they air every now and then, but it is so obvious that Al Gore is behind it, because it is so pro-American. I thought journalism was more than that (it’s an all-news channel)

I didn’t go over to Riza’s house today. We are going tomorrow instead.

Beware of teh angst. Again. Read my other entries, darn it!

Oddly enough, despite my extremely laid back day, I feel extraordinarily tired. My doctor stressed over and over that I need to eat more. She asked me the obvious question as to whether I am anorexic or not. Of course, I am not. I love eating. I need to gain weight. And so she looked at my mother and started questioning her as if her reaction within a few minutes would be picking up the phone to call CPS. And then my mother lied about cooking every single day/slaving away at the stove and that I never eat her food. That pisses me off. She never cooks. Never. I wouldn’t say that CPS would be appropriate, but it’d be nice to get the thought through her thick skull that she never cooks and to get over herself when she says that I never eat her food. I do eat her food when the rare occasion occurs that it is actually around. I think she didn’t want to look like a bad mother (but that’s not to say that she is! She’s a great mother in all the other areas in which she is needed.) Normally, I would not have minded, but considering the fact that my doctor lectured me for about an hour about how I should appreciate my mother’s cooking, and yet my mother did not even try to correct her.

And so now I have pinpointed the reason why I cannot fall in love with all the dudes that love me now: Absolutely none of them possess depth within their personality. After trying for months to figure them out and see if they have any intellectual integrity whatsoever, they obviously do not.  But, uh, what does that say about me? I would like to think that I have some kind of depth when it comes to these things. I actively try to avoid the stereotype imposed on fifteen year old girls. I educate myself. I care about the conditions of people around the world. I read textbooks recreationally, and I don’t even watch sitcoms. Why is it that such one-dimensional boys fall for me, then? D: