And I can’t say I blame you, because you’ve been one and the same

Since the day that I met you. I’m a ball of emotion, you’re a half open book, and I can’t read a thing so it’s not looking good, but it can. You breathe so they can.

Today, a boy came up to me on the way to work and he absolutely scared me. He accosted me with such haste that I really did not know how to reply. But I gave him a cookie to avoid shaking his hand. That’s kinda cool.

So far, work is actually pretty cool. They are accomodating me so much, it’s unbelievable. I like my job.

We dissected a pig today. Boys are absolute cowards. I dissected it all by myself.

Dear you:
We’ve gone through this a thousand times, these letters or whatever. You talked to me the other day, and it felt like absolutely nothing changed. You said only two words but it made me realize that I still care. I need to forget about you. Your existence mocks me, and I cannot confront this. It doesn’t matter how lovely you were, because if you would’ve ignored me, I would still care. I am absolutely pathetic, but only toward you. I have become unreachable to anyone but you. I can’t stand myself. How your words have authority over everyone else’s. No matter how many flaws of yours I recognize, how many incontrovertible events which transpire- I will always forgive you for it. You don’t even realize how much power you have over me. Or maybe you do, but refuse to utilize it. I hate you. I genuinely hate you. I have created a prison for myself and I now have to exist in it. You are so pretentious. You are the stronger epitome of everything I hate about this world. But then, politically aside, you become so unconditionally kind and it throws me off and I don’t know what to do anymore. And you notice me, only because I noticed you, and for some strange reason, that degree of power which I temporarily possess satisfies me. And I can’t stand that, because you have done something so nominal and once again, I appreciate it superfluously.

Glass shadows from your unsteady grip

We’ve been doing review. These sessions are certainly helping, however, it becomes extremely awkward when there’s only one student besides me who is in the room. Yeah. Our class is full of the stupidest people, really- they need this review more than I do- I thought there would be more people around.

My teacher realized yesterday, for the first time, that I am a sophomore. He thought I was a senior this entire time. He said that he doesn’t think there has been a sophomore sign up for the class before. He said that he is impressed. So strange how that happens. I love how my teachers think more highly of me than my parents do.

Honestly, all this scrutiny I have to put up with when it comes to my parents has begun to take its toll on me. But I realize that I need to stay strong in my convictions that I’m the person that I want to be. I have to remain confident in that such a reason is enough of a justification for anyone. I admit, though, I can’t help but feel like I’m less than intelligent; I’m not worth the time; my efforts are worthless in terms of making any sort of improvement in my life; I’m a useless degenerate. You know, those sorts of conclusions. I know I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t change that. The least I could do is be happy with myself, because I can’t change anything else anyway.

I’m tired of fighting this, though. I’m tired of having to keep myself above from the things they say to me. I’m tired of having to maintain these standards that are so far from what the public expects and agree with. I’m tired of having to justify myself to them. I mean, what has combating this ever done for me? What has fighting for my convictions ever accomplished? Yeah. And what’s even worse is that I can’t really talk to people about this. This topic is just too heavy for me to handle with repose. I lose my structure. I show weakness. Not only that, but I fall once more into the stereotype of a female. And oh, how much I try to keep myself above that, too. I suppose that’s the reason why I end up acting so insensitive.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’m on new meds that are supposed to be better than what I was on before. Its effects are quite different in comparison to my other medication, among them are that it’s supposed to make me less irritable, less disconnected with people, less anxious, yeah.

My mother will not leave me alone about my grades. She thinks that if she doesn’t keep on me about it, that I will flunk out of school. Just because she dropped out of high school, it doesn’t mean that I’ll do the same. I know how important doing well in school is- overwhelmingly so. But uh, yeah. I’ve been saving up my money for the past six months, so when the first opportunity I get to leave this house arrives, I’ll be prepared. How morbid.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I spend my time with. My peer circle, if you will. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are no longer crucial to my intellectual growth. What I mean by that is- I’m tired of all their melodrama. It is no longer fun to be around them. I mock their existence constantly. If anything, I am only around because Megan and Cody are there. I care very little about everyone else. The only conclusion I have come up with in this area is that, well, it’s better to be alone than to be with inferior people.

And it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets

…”You might spend your life alone. And you don’t want to be alone. When you think too much, and you came to another game, despondent, out of touch. And you reach so hard it makes you fall, for these hands that let you go, they shouldn’t let you go at all. They shouldn’t let you go at all.”

Yesterday was a pretty nice day, up until the denouement. Cody and I went to Old Town Port Orchard and spent most of our time looking at the antique stores. It was fun. And uh, of course a description of such a day would not be complete without the inclusion of the subsequent breaking off of things. Indeed, I broke up with my first boyfriend and one of my best friends yesterday afternoon. I can’t say that I feel any less irresolute than I had beforehand, if anything, I’m doubting myself more than ever. But I needed to make a decision. I had every reason to break it off. And mom was right when she said that I’m a fool to think that our friendship was going to remain the same afterward. And when she said I would regret it. Even if he is making a point to hurt me as much as he can. However, I need to stay secure in my decision to break things off with him, as much as it hurts to do so right now.

Hah, I gave up so much for this. I really wanted it to work. But after coming to the conclusion that I no longer felt romantically inclined toward him, and after realizing that deluding myself into thinking I could change that accomplished nothing, I knew that I had to do something about it. It was unfair to him to stay in the relationship longer than necessary.

God, I feel terrible. Even if I had as much power possible in this situation, I feel so listless right now. But still, I need return to my previous conviction, in that I fully believe that I did the right thing.

And, oh, how I’d remember you

… “and how I’d push my fingers through your mouth to make those muscles move that made your voice so smooth and sweet!”

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea has been my favorite song lately. I keep getting more and more interested in Neutral Milk Hotel, really.

But uh, yeah, sorry for the lack of updates. It’s either been preoccupational distress, self-induced or not, that leads me to work or repulsed by it. Leading me away from the computer. Yeah.

Uh, I’ve been drafting this in my head for a while, but now that I’ve actually arrived, the eloquence has been lost. Sorry. But I’ll do my best to follow through with this.

So, I’m afraid of graduating. I went to that Running Start orientation meeting at school a few days ago. Clearly, this is for those confident academics that feel they are aware of the career path that is, indeed, comparable to moving out to the west. (Uh, manifest destiny. Thinkin’ about those Giants in the Earth, yeah.) I have no idea as to what I want to do when I get out of college. Or out of high school, same difference. The only thing I have ever had a passion for is english. I mean, science may come and go- this interest I have in evolution may leave me sooner than I expect- but I’ve always been great with english. The only job that was listed on WOIS (yeah, that place) that seemed to fit me somehow that wasn’t totally degrading was, indeed, “proofreader.” One word. So like, companies hire them to look over their stuff? Yeah. That’s as far as I went with the thought. Sociology is the second choice. I know that evolutionary psychology will get me nowhere.

I have so many important decisions that I am going to have to make, very soon. Not to mention the AP test that is within a month. In fact, a month from tomorrow is the day I have my AP test. I have to also get assessed for Running Start, y’know, pay the fifteen bucks and go to the testing center and get that done and over with. Oh, and scholarships, because as much as dad tries to assure me that he’ll pay for school and my housing as soon as I get out of high school- I know there’s no way we can afford to do that. Even if the college/university I’ll be attending has to be in-state, because it’s cheaper. As much as I want to go to Oxford or Cambridge. Yeah.

This place is void of all passion

… “If you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort.”

Gosh, it’s been so ;laskjfl;ksjd;lfkjsdlfkj the last couple of days. And this sums it up perfectly:

Norman says (8:55 PM):
you don’t go like “hai, i like you woman” and then be like “…but i don’t want a committed relationship”
Norman says (8:55 PM):
especially since you went and trashed your other man after hearing cody liked you
___

And because of that, I’m getting a bit mean to Cody. If that makes me an antagonistic degenerate, then so be it. I have my pride. And even if breaking up with the other guy was completely selfish and I do not forgive myself at all for it, at least I lost my self-respect in the process.

/optimism

Talking points from talking heads with automated smiles

Man, today was intense.

In the middle of sixth period, I started crying. I had felt like crying all day long and it was somewhat a relief to have finally cried. I remained unnoticed for a while until I decided to leave the room and cry somewhere else, and that’s when I heard someone say that they noticed me crying. I went away for about ten minutes and when I returned, everyone was asking me questions. My teacher called me up and started talking to me because he wanted to know what was going on. I couldn’t really do it since everyone else was watching me.

I’m thinking of getting a job so I can move out of here the second I have the chance. I can’t live here anymore.

Hah, wow. My creative writing prompt from last year. Now I feel like I can reflect on it properly.

The thing is, it sounds too serious. The tone is too much for me. I say, “the,” too often when I link verbs to nouns. The entire story is all pretty disjointed. The play on words is great, but I think I lost the meaning because I was trying so hard to manipulate the words like that. It was a bit distracting, too. It takes a great deal of effort to understand what the plot line is because of how poetic it is. Some of it, I’m not sure of other people can understand because of the metaphors I used. I like it, in the sense that the character introduces herself in a pretty straightforward way. I didn’t want it to be so in-your-face that you could tell the author was just trying to characterize the person they are talking about. I introduced it all by saying something along the lines of, “when in situations that require small-talk, once discusses the following.” Or something like that. I would like to rewrite it, however, I think it’s best for me to keep it the way it is out of nostalgia.

… It doesn’t help that Debbie said it made her giggle when she read it at first. That made me feel very self-conscious.

I was trying to find the excerpt when I stumbled across my old entries from last year. Man, so much has changed in just a few months. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it alot. There are certain songs that I listened to so much last year, that they pretty much describe the entire year:

1. Frame by Frame- The Honorary Title. I loved this song for a few months. Like, that was the only song I listened to for months. It always reminds me of how stressful last year was. It’s not so much the words that make/made me feel emotional, it was the music that did it.
2. Tune Out- The Format. I listened to this song while I was making my dress for freshman and when I was reading Les Miserables. It reminds me of spring so much because it was the only time I really enjoyed the song.
3. Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups. Man, I listened to this song this year, too. It’s mostly another angst song about homeskillet.
4. When Paula Sparks- Copeland. Yeah, this song really hits the spot. Another angst song.
5. Photography- The Starting Line. Man, so much emotion here. It builds so nicely. This has to be one of my favorite songs by them. There’s a period of time in which my entries begin with quotes only from that song, I think it was April or May, because I couldn’t think of another song I liked to refer to, haha.

When it’s with those angst songs, I tend to feel a sense of remorse for myself because of how terrible things were at the time. I don’t feel that way about what has happened this year, though, even if it’s worse than last year. I guess it’s because I don’t feel closure for that right now. It could still get worse.

In all honesty, though, I was going crazy last year. No one can really grasp that. I was stuck in a state of being and un-being. I was trying to figure things out. The entries that I wrote back then are pretty intense. I had never felt so strange, stressed out, or inert than I had at that time. Despite that, though, I wish I was back at that point again. Creativity flowed.

Yesterday gave me a lot of things to think about. Basically, I’m living last January all over again. Man, I didn’t like him the first time he liked me and he digs me again. And it only makes me feel more agitated by him. Because he acts all hyper when he wants my attention. asdjfowiejklsjd Why do I have to be so cool? :3

I wrote about this in my writing-journal-thing and it came out pretty nicely. I bought that moleskine notebook a few weeks ago with Riza and I decided to use it. I want to fill this notebook up even if it’s not really a notebook. It’s more like a steno pad. Which is unfortunate because it’s very difficult to write on- but I had an epiphany that was basically, “OH! That’s what the elastic is for!” and it solved all my problems. Everyone has their brilliant moments, haha.

I’m staying home from school today because I am sick. I couldn’t stay home earlier this week because I had so much to do. But, uh, this gets me out of the orthodontic appointment even if I wasn’t dreading it that much? :S

My project with Megan went brilliantly. I’m pretty proud of how well we pulled it off. We had practiced through lunch and that was the most of our efforts. We had to have it memorized, but we managed to do it all pretty nicely. And I loved throwing a sammich at her, even if I didn’t really throw it at her. I didn’t want to throw a sammich in her face during our presentation. She stresses out too much as it is. So I threw it to the right of her. Except earlier we were playing around and I threw a sammich at her right boob. That was awkward.

Next week is testing week for most of the school. Except for me, because I took the test early. So I have about fifteen hours next week to do absolutely nothing. Why, oh, WHY, did I have to be sick the week before that? Uncool.

Uh, we have Cinnamon Toast Crunch so it’s kind of okay? Even if I cannot taste it? And I might throw it up later today? Oh, Amanda, your attempts at optimism are overwhelming.

And sink into oblivion.

Uh, yeah. The team I planned on going with didn’t make it to state. Melissa kept apologizing to me about that today. I know just as well as she does that they have no intention of taking me as an alternate. I don’t blame her for it. I’m still very bummed out, though. I really wanted to go. I guess this is a stupid thing to cry over, but I guess I’m willing to waste that energy. Yeah, my priorities are out of whack and I’m seeking attention from my audience. So much so that I choose to write stupid and corny metaphors to grab their attention.

You know how I said that Knowledge Bowl makes me feel inadequate? Yeah. I guess it is something worth crying over. lasjdflskjflkdsfk

And even then- the thought’s so soothing.

Cold War Kids. Yeah. I’m digging them now.

But anyways.

So the guy I like has a crush on another girl within our circle of friends. I’m really not supposed to know this.

K. So I got over him. I got over everyone else. And when I’m absolutely, positively ready to try something new- I find this out. Come on.

And I have every right to be.

1. I am frustrated because the only seemingly available vessel restrains me because it is the wrong time.
2. I am frustrated because I have/had to keep it a secret, once more.
3. I am frustrated because this will mean virtually nothing.
4. I am frustrated because I mean virtually nothing.
5. I am frustrated because the one person that I truly dislike is the person he loves right now.
6. I am frustrated because inaction is the only option I have.
7. I am frustrated because I do not particularly care about hurting anyone.
8. I am frustrated because acting upon my feelings will ultimately result in me being hurt.
9. I am frustrated because no matter how I set this up, there isn’t a way around it- I can’t do anything.
10. I am frustrated because the more we hang out, the more I realize how compatible we really are.
11. I am frustrated because this questions my values, but that fact means very little to me.
12. I am frustrated because this ultimately faces me with the fact that I am a hypocrite.
13. I am frustrated because despite all the agony that I went through to get to this point, it will remain unrecognized.
14. I am frustrated because nothing I ever do seems to get me anywhere.
15. I am frustrated because I am constantly tricked by an illusion of change.
16. I am frustrated because I know we will probably go nowhere.

I am something. You are something. We are nothing together.

Gosh- the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that there’s no way I live in a solipsist world. I could not have possibly done this to myself.

Or, inversely, the more that happens in my life, the more I realize that this world is a solipsist one. The real world could not possibly _be_ this stupid.

The sun has passed, now it’s blacker than black

I’m so frustrated. I mean, things with us could work. I don’t know anyone else who is so easy to be around than you are. Anyone who has more things in common with me. How I can always forget how life is and who I am whenever I am with you. And how I would love to experience that as often as I can. But everyone would hate me. She’d feed me cyanide through a straw.

And that’s what frustrates me more! How I keep getting frustrated at myself with this assumption that I am such a people-pleaser, even if I know the situation is a valid one and that I should avoid it and maintain it. How I keep using that excuse to somewhat mitigate the situation and prevent me from worrying about it too much because darn it- I want it. I don’t want anything to stand in my way.

It also frustrates me that despite my rationality and excruciating degree of self-control that I possess- it is virtually unrecognized and is therefore unredeemable in situations like this.

HOW I SPEND SO MUCH TIME AVOIDING ACTS OF ADOLESCENCE BUT CANNOT ESCAPE THEM COMPLETELY.

Two headed boy, put on your Sunday shoes

Haha, wow, every time I see you, things get better and better. And now it’ll happen more than it used to!

Today, at lunch, I told Phar and Josh to stop being as overtly affectionate as they are with each other around me. It was time for it, dude, someone had to tell them. It had annoyed me but I didn’t realize I had the power to make them stop, or to let them know, at least.

Sometimes I worry that I’ve lost the plot

“I set my watch to the atomic clock, I hear the crowd count down ’til the bomb gets dropped. I always figures that there’d be time enough. I never let it get me down, but I can’t help it now. Looking for faces in the clouds. I got some friends I barely see, but we’re all planning to meet. We’ll lay in bags as dead as leaves all together for eternity.”

I went to Tolo. It was much more fun than I had expected it to be, although, it further confirmed my (somewhat) embarrassment of being single. Maybe I’m just lonely, but I don’t know. It really sucked being there during the slow dances, which, unfortunately, did not come to my attention much at Homecoming. But you guys know why. And that fact made me almost cry because it really showed how dramatically things have changed- and will remain- within the last couple of months.

Normally I find opportunities like those as times to appreciate myself and how wonderful I am- y’know, forget everyone else. But somehow it was very difficult for me to do that for myself. For some reason, it felt like a huge lie that I’ve been telling myself just to get by. And it worked. And I’ll make it continue to work, because I cannot afford to let myself elapse right now. There are some people that I could certainly fall for right now, and as tired as I am of trying to protect other people and keep myself on their good side, I will continue to restrict myself from caring too much or getting too attached because eventually it will be too complex and dramatic for anything to matter anymore.

It’s spectacular, really. I mean, I don’t have much of a desire to even have a boyfriend or whatever, but there isn’t much stopping me from feeling incredibly lonely. It annoys me how that is the only part of my life that hasn’t changed within the last couple of years. How I only get prettier, smarter, and more clever, but no one really cares.

Your mascara paints my bed.

William Tell isn’t that bad.

Today, I stayed home. Such drama ensued after that, which, ultimately, stressed me out and made this “Relaxation Day,” pointless. It wasn’t even a Relaxation Day, I was just waiting for these stupid muscles to stop contracting and let my uterine BREATHE for a little while, gosh.

Today is my brother’s birthday. I bought him two books. I don’t think he’ll ever read them, but at least I said I tried. That was the only positive thing about today involving him. He’s in a good bit of trouble. It frustrates me so much how stupid he can be.

I am pretty stressed out right now. I mean, the whole thing with my brother raised the most existential question ever relating to how he never seems to be in a state of senescence in my mind, and how I don’t acknowledge the reality of the situation. Gosh, I’m so illogical when it comes to that. Not to mention that I’m absolutely cracking the whip this semester- I’m not going to slack off any longer- I need to bring my grades up, or at least, secure my grades enough so I won’t have to worry about them.

I finished my dress for Tolo, but I still have to buy my tickets, establish plans with Amelia, buy stuff for it, etc.

NOT TO MENTION, that there is virtually no way that I can see Obama tomorrow, which saddens me deeply. I mean, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and because my father works, I can’t go. God, I can’t wait until I’m older and am able to manage affairs like those. Even if I know that I am lucky to be so young and that I don’t have to worry about paying bills, blah, blah, blah. I appreciate life enough to be able to complain about it, natches.

And soon I leave the infirmary

Feeling well, but lacking courage.

My english and math finals went pretty well. My essay, however, was far too laconic for my tastes- but how much can a person write in thirty minutes?! Er, yeah, I could’ve saved more time for the essay, but, uh, there’s no use dwelling on the past! :D

I did really well on my final in Spanish, too. I got a B on it. I thought I failed it, man, haha.

And you know how I found her address? Yeah, I just realized that I can send her a letter. Old-fashioned, but if it gets the message across and enables me to forgive myself to some kind of degree, then it’s a good thing, after all. I just have to let my parents know. Somehow. They think that I’m completely over it, since this was four or five years ago. I was over it for a little while, but I’ve never given up the curiosity (Ahahaa, “wonderment.”) of how she is doing now.

Mallorie was gone in first period today, so I didn’t really get to talk to her. I talked to her in third period, instead. I look forward to speaking with her for some reason. She’s so quiet if you do not approach her, but the second you do, she gets all laskjdfowije on you.

AH! The Format is on hiatus? Even if they were planning on recording another album? I’m dying on the inside. That just ruined my month, dude. I was looking forward to their new record so badly. It was up there with the new Jack’s record. Man, their solo stuff better be good. I’m going to crawl up into a ball and cry for a few hours, kthx.

There’s nothing as lucky, as easy, or free.

I studied today, yeah. Oh, and the Giants won. Or something.

I keep having these stupid dreams that make me feel absolutely sick in the mornings. Yeah. About, that. Somehow, these dreams do a wonderful job of concocting situations that provoke the most extreme traumatic emotional responses. I mean, it’s all there, in the same place. It’s not helping me overcome this entire thing (AKA, forget) at all.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more.

I bend to break.

I’m getting sick. Therefore, it made finals pretty unbearable and left me feeling incredibly used up. I finished my first final in an hour and had nothing to do for the rest of the period. Basically, today was full of inactivity, up until the final.

I want to get out of this carpool deal so badly. I can’t stand the frustration I am experiencing right now. Honestly, I could hurt myself, I am so frustrated.

So, uh, the guy that I’ve like(d) for however many years digs my best friend. I shouldn’t worry about it. I’m trying to remain as indifferent as possible. I know she’d never hurt me.

There will be no encore.

Man, today was intense. It was a day of crying, basically. Over, well, whatever. It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to just cry over something. Which, I think, is unhealthy. Because, you know, even if I’m not supposed to care anymore, everything reminds me of him.

It also sucks that all the absolutely wonderful things he’s given me aren’t made up. I wish they were. For the longest time, I thought they were. It’s become pretty difficult to forget how it all felt. How hopeful I was! How surprised I was! How much I felt like he really cared. Even if it was still the same as before. Oh, and how much I know that I will never forget about it.

With every other part of my life, nothing stays the same. For some strange reason, this consistency has remained in the only place that I wish difference would could occur.

Hah. He’s interested in sociology. I hate myself.

I left school early today because I felt sick, and quite honestly, there was nothing else to look forward to during my latter classes. It’s just review.

I had a discussion with my parents the other night. It really changed the way I thought about relationships. Here’s the gist of it:

1. In order to establish a relationship, you don’t really need to have a crush on the other person. Apparently, those feelings develop over time.
2. They didn’t seem to value long-term relationships much. When I used the term, “mate,” it freaked them out. They said that if I were to be in a relationship, the whole point is to have fun, even if you know the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. Basically, they said that there’s no point in acting like you’re going to marry someone you’re dating in high school when you’re well aware that you won’t.

Er, yeah, only two points. But it really changed the way I thought about relationships. I’ve always thought that short term relationships are, well, skanky. I suppose short-term relationships are healthy, only if they are in moderation.  And it certainly eases me back into infatuation, somehow. Well, it could. But I won’t allow it.

Man, self-discipline has become so much of a part of my thoughts and my life. I’m not sure if that is healthy.

Given my drastic change of plans, I’m scurrying to sew myself that dress. Uh, yeah, I’m going to Tolo. Kind of. I’m making plans with Amelia, hopefully it works out.

I scheduled an appointment with the counselor so I can jump-start my credits and figure out what I’m going to do about my career.

I received my PLAN results yesterday. It says that I should be a scientist or a sociologist. As cool as either of them would be, I’m just becoming more and more doubtful of whichever career I choose. Man, I would love to be an editor, but journalism is so competitive and tricky, I don’t think it’s something I would be particularly successful at. Not to mention that the PLAN’s questions concerning career choice wasn’t exactly logical. It asked you to choose between one thing or another (Would you rather write a book or conduct scientific studies?) and choose how much you’d like to do it.

Perhaps I am far too complex, but it really sucked being forced to do that. Mostly because the rationale behind each choice was so far from what it could be read as.  In reference to the example I used, this is what I thought when I encountered that question: I don’t really like writing. But the entire scientific process is pretty vapid, too. Man, I love science, though.  Writer’s block annoys me, but after I get the hang of it, it’s not too bad. I just don’t want them to think that I enjoy that process, although, the field in which writing is in is something I wouldn’t mind being a part of. But science is my passion. I love science. I don’t want them to think, though, that I’m not considering the former. But if I put the degree of enjoyment I get out of these activities in the middle, then they might think that I’m being indifferent, which is far from my intent. Actually, they might even throw out the questions I rated “in the middle,” because they are not at either extreme and are, therefore, meaningless. Given the fact that people who are scoring these things, they don’t care about me at all. They have tons of other tests to score. Which means they’ll throw out the question.

Yeah. I suck. My brain had, pretty much, exploded from absolute frustration as I was being tested during the easiest portion.

I keep burning my fingers from trying to rekindle the flame

Today was a pretty good day.

My teacher: Which neurotransmitter is responsible for schizophrenia (and something else..)

Me: ACETYLCHOLINE!

My teacher: Wrong.

Me: I hate myself.

The class begins to laugh, thankfully. Before you jump to some weird conclusion of how outgoing I am, I’ll have you know we were in teams and were competing for extra credit. Which I need.

After school, I hung out with Heather. Then she left. And I found a dictionary of existentialism, which I totally saturated myself with for about twenty minutes before Zoe came. So we read “together” for a little while. Then Cameron came over and all hope was lost when it came to reading the book. For some strange reason, Cameron is pushing me to ask Logan to Tolo.

1. He doesn’t have the time.
2. I don’t particularly love him anymore.
3. I shouldn’t keep putting him in awkward positions like this.
4. Homecoming sucked.
5. I don’t really like him anymore.
6. I suck too much whenever I’m around him, even if I don’t like him anymore (note, this is the third time I’ve said it.)
7. The expected role of being really cuddly-wuddly wouldn’t wash too well with me.
8. We’d probably ignore each other the entire time.

And yet, when Caitlin Larson came into the library to talk with us, she said,”That’d be so cute!”Everyone else proceeded to encourage her. That made me feel really awkward, and for some reason, I couldn’t point out that I don’t really like him anymore. I guess all the certainties I had of the date-tion-ship thing we could possibly have were abrogated. Except only temporary.

I told Cameron that if he was so interested in this, then he can ask him for me. I don’t care. Except I have no real desire to go with him, and I’m pretty sure that if the rare occasion of Cameron asking him for me were to occur, he would say no. It’s a win-win situation. Not really.

But, of course, counterfactual thinking isn’t something I am particularly great at, being the cynic I am.

On Jezebel, there was an article citing what women want in their, omgz, dream man. I appreciate Jezebel’s approach on it, because, quite honestly, reading things like those on their website makes me feel less like a teenager. Which I appreciate greatly. But anyways. I have never given my “dream guy” much thought. When I was little, I had such ideas. As I grew older, I found no need for one. I like guys with blue eyes. But I don’t think it’s essential to whomever I may choose as a mate. I couldn’t tolerate a stupid guy, but then again, that’s just my standard. It’s not a dream necessarily, it’s a standard. A Dream Person seems like one that is either unattainable or nonexistent. I don’t have that many rigid guidelines when it comes to a mate for I am pretty flexible, really. I don’t know. I’ve never pondered that idea too closely.

Hah, I’ve come to the realization that perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed of the fact that I talk about people that I like and all that stuff that is related to adolescence. I have already differentiated myself from my peers enough. Except I’ll continue to dislike it when I act like a teenager.