Protect me from what I want.

I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I don’t know, I never thought that I would catch myself folding pamphlets at work, smiling. Just from thinking.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, then we went out to get some new frames. These new glasses are going to look so much nicer than the glasses I have now. There was this woman who was waiting for the optometrist, who found it necessary to give me a longitudinal study of her life. It made me want to die. From a single discussion that lasted about seven minutes, I found out that she has four kids, is divorced, didn’t go to college, and quit smoking last year. I’m sorry, but if she worked to reinforce a stereotype of mine, she did an excellent job.

God, it is so terrible how George Carlin doesn’t know of how much his death is being commemorated right now. Just a thought.

The earth looks better from a star, let’s ride above from where you are

Summer has started out pretty excellently so far. Aside from when it was absolutely un-excellent, but I don’t want to think about that.

But I hate that summer is starting so wonderfully because it is turning into one sappy little bitch. No, I just hate Cody because he’s doing this to me.

I’m getting paid on the fifteenth. I am completely looking forward to that. Work has been extraordinarily boring and mindless. I spend four hours a day there. I’m surprised, though, how much I’ve learned from doing this. For one thing, keeping quiet all the time really makes people think you are an idiot. Another, copy machines are NOT your friend because they never remember the settings you apply after it decides that it is done with you and resets itself. Amazingly, one begins to fall asleep while filing away papers or logging things into the computer. I couldn’t believe such a thing could happen- but it did, so I need to figure out something. And finally, after discovering the candy stash in the workroom, life becomes a bit easier to handle, but once one begins to fall asleep, one realizes that the degree at which they fail is insurmountable in relation to the accomplishments they have made so far within the work day.

But, of course, because I am suddenly becoming more optimistic, I am really looking forward to buying stuff with this money. It’s amazing how I suddenly have resources to buy things that I really want.

I have to admit, aside from all of this work stuff, life is happening. I’m young. All of these milestones are just whirring by and honestly, I don’t understand what the big deal is. These sorts of things are going to be referred to when I’m older. I haven’t spent much time agonizing over these events transpiring with such perfection; I don’t understand why people believe that getting my first job is particularly important.

I’m going to the eye doctor tomorrow so I can get a new prescription for my glasses. I am really looking forward to going, since they’ve put me on hold for about six months. I dropped my glasses a few months ago and there was a huge scratch that resulted from it, making it absolutely pointless to even wear glasses, since I become equally as frustrated when I don’t wear them.

I was totally asked out a few nights ago by one of my best friends. And I had to refuse her proposal. I don’t know if I’m going to regret that.

This is the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the last day of school, and since teachers don’t even take attendance, no one went to classes. Essentially, I spent the entire time with Cody. We had lunch afterwards and then I went to work.

Some time during school, though, I have to say, it became pretty interesting. He held me. He actually held me. For the first time ever, it truly felt like we were a couple, or whatever. We were in, more or less, constant physical contact. It was nice, which surprised me. I loved it, actually. I did not want yesterday to end. God, I mean, the hugest (and only) reason why I did not like him was, well, because I did not think I could enjoy those sorts of moments with him.

So, now what. I have discovered a new part of human existence. I understand people better now. I am at a part in my life where I realize that this is how you can make your life better. The somewhat (okay, almost entirely) sexual aspect of human existence. That is so strange to me. This is all completely beyond me.

But, of course, I have been ignoring the specifics. I do not want to think about it, but I should write it all down, and coerce myself into oblivion.

I like him. We have that down. I have liked him for about a week now. It was not particularly a decision on my part, but I know that my feelings for him are isolated from the situation we are put in for now. For some strange reason, he just looked nicer one day. And stayed looking that nice for a while longer. I was not going to say anything, because I did not want to make this any more complex than it already is; I did not want to mess things up, yeah. I can’t say that it is exactly safe now to declare it either, but whatever. I know he does not like me back. I do not feel dejected about it, either. I do not even feel weird simultaneously thinking about everything that happened yesterday between us and the fact that he does not like me. I just keep telling myself that he was just being nice to me, and that thought is satisfying enough for me.

I do not know where we are going to go from here. But god knows that I am not going to say anything about the way I feel to him. I do not want to mess things up any more than I have already. Hearing him say directly that he does not like me right now, would definitely hurt my feelings. Knowing that he does not like me from what he has said before and hearing him say it now are two completely different things. The first implies that something could have changed, the second does not, and perhaps that is the reason why I do not mind thinking about it, but I care about talking about it.

I do not know what to do with myself, though. I feel like that was the last time anything like this would ever happen- I do not like that idea, but I really think that extent of closeness I felt yesterday, was the closest we will ever be. Of course, I welcome alternative possibilities, though.

I am probably thinking about this too much and blowing it out of proportion. No, I am blowing this out of proportion, but that is nothing new.

Dear you:

I love you. I don’t care that you don’t love me back.

We used to do this all the time, you know it

Today was pretty awesome. Exponentially better than yesterday. I totally spent most of my day with one person, haha.

But anyway. School is done with. I really cannot bring myself to that conclusion, though. It still feels like school is happening. This totally does not feel like summer at all.

Maaan, so much dopamine in my system right now.

Today was a pretty great day, much more so than I would like to admit, but whatever.

But wow, this year really is over. I don’t have school work. I can’t wrap my mind around how it’s over. I’ve wanted it to be over so badly and now it finally is. Sadly, I really have no plans this summer. The idea of this summer is pretty much boredom at this point. I have no projects I need to do, I don’t have plans with friends. Essentially, I’ll be doing nothing.

So, I really don’t know what is going on with me, but I certainly am not only attracted to women. Cool. Not really.

Why stay for the night, I’m here for a while.

“Oh, why do I even care. It’s nothing new. Now go for a while, shut off to the world.”

Today was terrible. It was absolutely terrible. I have marks on my palms from keeping myself together.

Dear you:

You’re not going to turn me into her. No freaking way. It’s spectacular, really. I could just kill you with my bare hands right now. I am so amused by your apparent skill and your inability to master it. But realize that you do this to people. You wanted this? You’ve received it in due time. You’re so incredibly fake, feeding off of their wishes to satisfy you, because you are so special, and they noted the uniqueness of your destiny. Or maybe not, you just soak it in like a raisin in the sun, to this deferred dream of yours to suddenly be okay, not so complex and, to a degree, normal. You can’t stand this. You hate standardization and normality but you strive for it. You are so weak. You fall for them. You are pretty shallow and you hate it. You know they don’t mean it. But don’t refuse it, either. You tell yourself you know they don’t really care, and this is only a temporary embellishment. It’s a sort of industrious tool which is only fully realized when you feel vulnerable. When you can’t stand yourself. When you can’t stand up to the insults you impose upon yourself. When you get tired of arguing and consider that maybe your first impressions were right. You are exactly like they are.

You hate who you are becoming. But you’ve made it this far. It’s been a long year, and after all, you deserve a break from all those people who made you feel so insecure but absolutely beautiful whenever you needed reassurance. You’ve made it this far. It’s almost done. You proved them wrong. Your ambition gives you what you truly need. If you can’t remain passionate about your successes, at least you can maintain it in your work. But it goes further than that; you have learned that your hatred can transport you to places unimaginable.

But hey, you’ve made it this far. Now it’s time for you to return to who you were before. They don’t matter. Even if they do, self-delusion is necessary, as unhealthy such a process can be. You need to be stronger to survive out there. You need to push those things aside which get in your way. Which keep you too involved with other people, because you know that such love and passion you readily develop for other people only tears you apart in the end. You care too much for people, and you realize this only alienates them further. But when you act like you don’t care enough, they don’t care, either. You need to hide parts of yourself because people cannot deal with your intensity- if you can’t even handle it, why do you expect them to? They really have no clue, do they? Compose your life like Bertold Brecht. Scenes of compassion with asides of rationality and soliloquies.

I swear, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands. But you’ve made it this far.

And you know you hate him more than he will ever begin to realize for reasons that he cannot possibly contemplate. It’s only because he is so messed up and besides that? Your relationship with him was absolutely worthless and vacuous- immature, painful, and complacent. He finds no reason to maintain it, why should you? Why he is so special? Is it because he noticed you? Is it because he was nice to you? Was it because he managed to pull it off without sounding as robotic as the number of outputs would suggest, with such repose? Was it because you loved him- you loved his mind and the way he thought? Was it because you felt that you could keep things completely safe for a while, even if you knew that it would eventually fall apart entirely? He could have at least tried to make you feel adequate afterward. To give you some sort of indication that it happened. That it mattered to him. That as much as you wanted to believe him, he meant it, if ephemerally.

God, I could just tear you apart with my bare hands, but we’ve made it this far, and if anything, acting like this year was somewhat productive may keep you from feeling any more inadequate.

“If what I say alienates you, that only means you’re an alien to me. You and your fragile reality. Your mild dissatisfaction. Your artificial subtlety. I love the way you look at me. Your well-rehearsed disbelief. You think I made all of this up? You must be out of your mind. I never had an original thought in my life. I owe it all to you. You walk outside and close your eyes. The truth hurts when it catches up and bites you on the throat. Nothing will incinerate this vision. Nothing will stop this train.”

“The kind of songs I write all the time but never show to the band. I’ve always liked the romantic movies with the happy ending. I guess because I could leave the theater and not have to get any of it on me. I could go back to my solitary life which is the only one I have been able to understand. Not very brave, I know, but I have spent countless hours thinking about how things could be as the miles screamed underneath the wheels. So many years of travel has made a day dreamer out of me. So many years spent getting there. Makes your mind wander our of the small confines of the small enclosure you’re forced to spend so much time in.”

“I would tell you everything. I would give you all I have if I could trust you. If you wouldn’t think I was crazy. If you wouldn’t freak out and leave me while I was freaking out and leaving you. I’m terrified of terrifying you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know I do though. I’m walking dead. I don’t care about most things anymore. I hurt people’s feelings all the time. They ask how I could say something like that to someone else. How I can be so cold. I don’t feel. I don’t know the damage I do. “

“I’m not you. I don’t want you around me. This business of constantly having to explain myself is going to stop. My trip is my trip. Your trip is not my trip. You want to talk about weakness, talk about your own. I am a selfish man. There’s nothing more egotistical and fake than selflessness. I am self. It’s all I have and it’s all I want. Your love doesn’t keep me warm at night. Your love won’t drive me to the edge. Your hate moves me just the same. You can’t give yourself to me. Even if you could I wouldn’t take you.”

“It hurt when I found out she dug her lies more than my truth. It hurt when she finally broke down and saw the real thing. She was so let down. She felt like she had been ripped off. My truth had incinerated her lies. I asked her if she loved me. She said that I wasn’t the person she thought she knew. I told her I was right here. I was a lie to her lie. I let her down. I couldn’t feel bad for being myself. It hurts to think that when we were looking into each other’s eyes, we were looking at the strangers we thought we knew so well.”

- Henry Rollins

And I can’t say I blame you, because you’ve been one and the same

Since the day that I met you. I’m a ball of emotion, you’re a half open book, and I can’t read a thing so it’s not looking good, but it can. You breathe so they can.

Today, a boy came up to me on the way to work and he absolutely scared me. He accosted me with such haste that I really did not know how to reply. But I gave him a cookie to avoid shaking his hand. That’s kinda cool.

So far, work is actually pretty cool. They are accomodating me so much, it’s unbelievable. I like my job.

We dissected a pig today. Boys are absolute cowards. I dissected it all by myself.

Dear you:
We’ve gone through this a thousand times, these letters or whatever. You talked to me the other day, and it felt like absolutely nothing changed. You said only two words but it made me realize that I still care. I need to forget about you. Your existence mocks me, and I cannot confront this. It doesn’t matter how lovely you were, because if you would’ve ignored me, I would still care. I am absolutely pathetic, but only toward you. I have become unreachable to anyone but you. I can’t stand myself. How your words have authority over everyone else’s. No matter how many flaws of yours I recognize, how many incontrovertible events which transpire- I will always forgive you for it. You don’t even realize how much power you have over me. Or maybe you do, but refuse to utilize it. I hate you. I genuinely hate you. I have created a prison for myself and I now have to exist in it. You are so pretentious. You are the stronger epitome of everything I hate about this world. But then, politically aside, you become so unconditionally kind and it throws me off and I don’t know what to do anymore. And you notice me, only because I noticed you, and for some strange reason, that degree of power which I temporarily possess satisfies me. And I can’t stand that, because you have done something so nominal and once again, I appreciate it superfluously.

1. Watch Daria again in its entirety for most of tomorrow or Sunday
2. Get those books for AP Language
3. Find missing assignments from Spanish (which will be a difficult task since I am missing about two things)
4. Finish another clockwork necklace
5. Clean my room

And, more distantly, things for summer:

1. Get started on that scholarship thing about crimes against humanity (because god knows I can write about that pretty well)
2. Study the driving manual thing and get my permit
3. Ruminate about the past year and how to make next year better
4. AP language summer assignment
5. Familiarize myself with anthropology and pragmatism
6. Continue my summer traditions or whatever that I’ve managed to uphold

Obama won the nomination. I got to read an interview with Jamison Covington after school today. I checked out a book on Fitzgerald today from the library but I missed the bus as a result of that. Today’s the 89th anniversary of the nineteenth amendment being added to the constitution (yo, look it up.)

Today was strange, though. In fifth period, all these random people started talking to me, about memories of me that they have. Melissa was talking about how she has never seen me angry and how no one really knew me until she mentioned how quiet I am. But honestly, Melissa and I have never been close- we may have known each other ever since first grade, but that fact is so incredibly deluding. I haven’t known her. I don’t know much about her that I have learned directly. Derek was talking about how he had shop with me and how he helped me once with sawing wood. I didn’t even think about it until he told me. It’s strange how people notice these things and actually commit them to memory. I thought that remembering little things like that was exclusive only to me.

Before we were eligible for housing, we lived with a few of dad’s friends for a few months. We passed by their house a few days ago and dad asked me for the first time if I remembered them. Quite honestly, I vividly remembered it and thought about the experience a lot, but I thought I made it all up so I didn’t really consider it.

All-in-all, I have to admit, I’m tired of having to keep up socially. It is so draining to be with people. I try so hard to seem well-adjusted and it works up to the point at which I become indifferent and no longer care. Because I find something else to interest me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that hiding my ADD from people, even if my parents told me to, is not that large of an objective anymore. It should be. But I just don’t care. Learning about ADD helped me a little, in that some of the things I do are not particularly genuine anymore. I was surprised to find that a hypersensitivity to touch is common for people who have ADD. That’s comforting, even if absolutely no one will obey that anyhow.

God, I just want to run away and hide for a little while.

As great as we were those days.

I’ve been extraordinarily busy lately, so that’s why I haven’t really been updating.

Finals are coming up two weeks from now and I can enthusiastically proclaim that I have five finals to study for. Indeed, five.

School is ending soon. Thankfully- I want to do away with this year forever. I know the possibility of life becoming worse than it has been is more than zero, but at least I can be reassured with the fact that I have some control over the future. But we all know I will not completely stop dwelling over it.

We’ve been reading the three theban plays in english. I loved Antigone. I am a lot like her, I think.

I don’t have much to write about, but due to popular demand, I feel I should write more to keep the three people who religiously read my blog satisfied. Butbutbut I won’t because I can’t think of anything. :D