I cannot guarantee your satisfaction

And you realized that those people don’t really exist. You feel closer to people on movie screens.

I’ve started a new notebook.

I feel so overwhelmed by everyone. I want to anger someone just so there would be some sort of friction. I can’t handle all this new attention I’m receiving.

I want this year to be over. Honestly, this school year has been the longest I have ever experienced. I want to do away with everything that happened and start out new. There was just so much pain this year. In the future, I’m going to feel so sorry for myself. Even now, I feel sorry for myself. And the worst thing is, the information that I wrote about here and talked about, aren’t even half of the truth, either. I won’t ever forget what happened this year, especially the way in which I dealt with it. But this is how people are- there are some things one has to keep quiet in order to function.

God, it was all so unnecessary, too.

But uh, it would be an understatement to conclude that I didn’t consider just dying. I understand that everyone thinks about suicide at one point or another, but there were countless occasions in which I ignored all the arguments I had against it, because I just couldn’t live with myself anymore. Nothing else mattered anymore. Things were obviously not going to get better so I found no reason to keep fighting, because fighting got me nowhere. And honestly- things didn’t get better and fighting still yields nothing, but because I am human, I have to fight for my existence more than anything else.

But uh, life is bigger than this. Life is bigger than most of the things I have to deal with.

Everyone knows you’re a fraud.

Before third period today, I got called in by one of my teachers that I’m going to have next year. She says that she has a job opportunity for me at the curriculum center and that I have to prepare a resume for her and give it to her tomorrow morning. Decidedly, this resume of mine looks extremely inadequate because I have never had a job before. However, the position I’m applying for looks like something that I would like to do, even if it is a bit simple. Hah, I’ve never felt so young!

Tomorrow I have a field trip, too, which is exciting. I’m only looking forward to it because of the ferry ride, though. :3

Progress reports are being sent out at the end of this week. God, I’m so tired of this.

We do what we need to be free

And this leans on me, like a rootless tree.

Last night, I was flipping through the channels in my Tivo-less bedroom, and surprisingly!! The Tyra Banks Show was on. It was about prostitution or something pointless like that. And honestly, it’s the Tyra Banks Show on cable, it’s not like there’s going to be anything too deep or analytical about it. But the thing is, I hate this show. I genuinely hate it. Tyra Banks always find some way to be immature when discussing a serious subject, and I end up feeling offended. There was this lesbian erotic dancer, right, who once was at this party for bisexual women. And omgz, like, it’s girls. Like, with girls. And like, did they try to make you do anything, “extra”? Oh really that’s so interesting but like, I knew something weird was going on there, girlfriend, get yourself checked OUT!! skdjflskjdfklj

Yeah, there’s only so much I can take.

I have a field trip next week. I’m amused, how I’ve been on more field trips this year than ever before. :3

We have a paper to do. We have to choose a controversial topic that we do not have an opinion about, and basically, present it in an objective fashion. At least, that’s what I got out of his explanation. For some reason, my teacher just doesn’t like rubrics. But whatev. My problem is that I know too much about controversial things, so I have an opinion on just about everything. Except outsourcing, which I’m doing my paper on.

But Joyce asked me about censorship today and I don’t think I’ve ever written about it here before. So you guys are going to get told.

I am thoroughly against censorship of any kind. Books, movies, anything. Even things that offend people or a group of people should not be censored, because honestly, anything could offend anyone, and our current system of censorship is a feeble attempt to satisfy the few people that have the power to enforce such a system.

Clearly, the hugest problem I have with censorship is that it sacrifices artistic integrity. Who can say that they know better than the person who created the piece, and allow themselves to alter their work somehow? I can’t imagine doing that and living with myself. There’s a movie from the 1930s, that was censored so many times (they had to cut out the film) that there is no consensus as to how the original film was. Sad. That’s someone’s art, and people were too caught up in their idea of what is okay and what is not to think of the movie as a whole and appreciate it.

Keep calm and carry on

No one knows when we are supposed to be at the exam today.

Mom let me stay home so I could be somewhat repose as I take my test. Mallorie was like, JUST GO IN THERE AND PERFORM. And I’ve been telling myself that, and will continue to do so, until the exam is done. I have no reason to worry! I scored an 88 out of 98 on the practice exam. I should do fine.

… Everyone should hate me, though. I mean, everyone else has longer tests to take than I do. They have more than one exam to take, too. Jesus, this is ridiculous, how much I’m stressing out over this dinky two-hour test.

In the meantime, I’m trying to find this, at a reasonable price. I’m mildly obsessed with Shepard Fairey, yeah. The lowest price I’ve seen is from the publisher, which is around forty bucks. I’m also looking at this book, which also interests me. Banksy’s works are interesting, but I haven’t looked into his stuff as much as Fairey’s. And his book is cheaper. And note that I have no idea how much money I have to spend. Mmph. I haven’t spent money in months, but I should be saving it up. Somehow. lksdjfklsjdf

Glass shadows from your unsteady grip

We’ve been doing review. These sessions are certainly helping, however, it becomes extremely awkward when there’s only one student besides me who is in the room. Yeah. Our class is full of the stupidest people, really- they need this review more than I do- I thought there would be more people around.

My teacher realized yesterday, for the first time, that I am a sophomore. He thought I was a senior this entire time. He said that he doesn’t think there has been a sophomore sign up for the class before. He said that he is impressed. So strange how that happens. I love how my teachers think more highly of me than my parents do.

Honestly, all this scrutiny I have to put up with when it comes to my parents has begun to take its toll on me. But I realize that I need to stay strong in my convictions that I’m the person that I want to be. I have to remain confident in that such a reason is enough of a justification for anyone. I admit, though, I can’t help but feel like I’m less than intelligent; I’m not worth the time; my efforts are worthless in terms of making any sort of improvement in my life; I’m a useless degenerate. You know, those sorts of conclusions. I know I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t change that. The least I could do is be happy with myself, because I can’t change anything else anyway.

I’m tired of fighting this, though. I’m tired of having to keep myself above from the things they say to me. I’m tired of having to maintain these standards that are so far from what the public expects and agree with. I’m tired of having to justify myself to them. I mean, what has combating this ever done for me? What has fighting for my convictions ever accomplished? Yeah. And what’s even worse is that I can’t really talk to people about this. This topic is just too heavy for me to handle with repose. I lose my structure. I show weakness. Not only that, but I fall once more into the stereotype of a female. And oh, how much I try to keep myself above that, too. I suppose that’s the reason why I end up acting so insensitive.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’m on new meds that are supposed to be better than what I was on before. Its effects are quite different in comparison to my other medication, among them are that it’s supposed to make me less irritable, less disconnected with people, less anxious, yeah.

My mother will not leave me alone about my grades. She thinks that if she doesn’t keep on me about it, that I will flunk out of school. Just because she dropped out of high school, it doesn’t mean that I’ll do the same. I know how important doing well in school is- overwhelmingly so. But uh, yeah. I’ve been saving up my money for the past six months, so when the first opportunity I get to leave this house arrives, I’ll be prepared. How morbid.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I spend my time with. My peer circle, if you will. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are no longer crucial to my intellectual growth. What I mean by that is- I’m tired of all their melodrama. It is no longer fun to be around them. I mock their existence constantly. If anything, I am only around because Megan and Cody are there. I care very little about everyone else. The only conclusion I have come up with in this area is that, well, it’s better to be alone than to be with inferior people.

She paints me blue

I began my practice test for AP Psychology test yesterday. I did the free response and forgot everything. I huddled up in a ball and cried for the remaining fifty minutes. I nearly threw up because of how anxious I felt. And that feeling didn’t leave me for a while. Mom gave me anxiety meds this morning because of how freaked out I still was, which didn’t last the entire day. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to figure this out.

I am really confused as to the state of my relationships right now and where I stand with people. I don’t know what I want. This is the last thing I need to think about right now.