You can’t keep safe what wants to break.

Hah, wow, things are never going to be the same, I don’t get why I thought we could get over this. (hindsight bias)

But uh, yeah, establishing a romantic relationship with anyone? Never again. This hurts too much.

But anyway. Today was quite ridiculous and stress-inducing, only to be followed by more stress and anxiety once I got home.

… And my little brother is most definitely conversing with a pedophile over his xbox.

So, uh, yeah, thank you, Jesus, for supplying me with this wonderful day of mine. A day in which I come home, watch Dawson’s Creek, and cry for two hours. Really, thank you.

And it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets

…”You might spend your life alone. And you don’t want to be alone. When you think too much, and you came to another game, despondent, out of touch. And you reach so hard it makes you fall, for these hands that let you go, they shouldn’t let you go at all. They shouldn’t let you go at all.”

Yesterday was a pretty nice day, up until the denouement. Cody and I went to Old Town Port Orchard and spent most of our time looking at the antique stores. It was fun. And uh, of course a description of such a day would not be complete without the inclusion of the subsequent breaking off of things. Indeed, I broke up with my first boyfriend and one of my best friends yesterday afternoon. I can’t say that I feel any less irresolute than I had beforehand, if anything, I’m doubting myself more than ever. But I needed to make a decision. I had every reason to break it off. And mom was right when she said that I’m a fool to think that our friendship was going to remain the same afterward. And when she said I would regret it. Even if he is making a point to hurt me as much as he can. However, I need to stay secure in my decision to break things off with him, as much as it hurts to do so right now.

Hah, I gave up so much for this. I really wanted it to work. But after coming to the conclusion that I no longer felt romantically inclined toward him, and after realizing that deluding myself into thinking I could change that accomplished nothing, I knew that I had to do something about it. It was unfair to him to stay in the relationship longer than necessary.

God, I feel terrible. Even if I had as much power possible in this situation, I feel so listless right now. But still, I need return to my previous conviction, in that I fully believe that I did the right thing.

Soft, pale, and pure

Today I received my grade report. Decidedly, it was less than desirable and I have to say- I am extremely disappointed in that I worked extremely hard this semester- there is no reason why I have such terrible grades. I came home and cried for an hour. Netland even held me back in class to talk to me. He said that he worries about me and that he knows that this year has been a tough one for me. He said that I need to work on how to reduce the stress in my life, especially with my parents, because he said that it will make me psychologically healthier.

I have to say, throughout the entire year, I have never disliked Netland’s class. I’m going to miss him and his class so much after he retires.

Today was the Day of Silence, which I participated in. It was pretty difficult to do, and decidedly, I pretty much mitigated the project as much as I could because of its inconvenience.

Yesterday, Debbie and I had a discussion or whatever. All I can say is- wow, given the incidence of drug abusers in our school, if she had not informed me that she has been diagnosed with something, I would have grouped her in with the majority. It was strange. She was so nice to me, like smiling for no reason. And she hugged me and made me pay attention to her when I was, honestly, going to ignore her entirely.

I went to the orthodontist yesterday and they told me that I no longer have to wear my retainer during the day. This means that my verbal eloquency returns! Thank goodness, I thought this day would never come!

I went to see the counselor a few days ago to discuss colleges and such. Wow, uh, I don’t think I’m going to continue, seeing as the grades that I received on my report card will, most definitely, nullify any sort of opportunity I have to go to Johns Hopkins. Or any other place I desire to attend college. I have to say, my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I hate myself for all sorts of things today.

My AP exam is on the fourteenth. The first of May is also coming up. I don’t think I have ever been as unstable in terms of the connection between my physiological responses to my emotional reactions, but really, I am scared to death of the AP exam. There isn’t a thing in the near future that I fear more. I mean, I paid for the thing in March, I’ve been given plenty of time to stew it over. I’ve been studying like crazy- reading all the articles he has given us, reviewing notes, even reading over things in my other psychology textbooks that the textbook we have now is too vague about. There is no way that I am going to get lower than a four on the AP exam- it is unacceptable for me to score lower than a four on it. I haven’t even discussed this with my parents- this motivation is entirely intrinsic.

Gosh, there hasn’t been a time in which I’ve wished to become completely enveloped in the plot of a storyline, really. Whenever I feel threatened, it seems, although it reeks of Freudian psychodynamic theory, I always retreat to whatever made me feel safe. Y’know, books.

Holland, 1945

Knowledge Bowl party was yesterday. God, I love those guys so much. Crumb kicked us out of her room at around four thirty. Jesse and Nick finished off their game of chess, which took about forty-five minutes. I love those guys so much, really. We all received a certificate of academic excellence or something that was signed by the principal and Crumb. We also received a badge or something for knowledge bowl. Didn’t get that part, but whatev.

I found out that Shepard Fairy did the book cover for 1984, which is being republished. It makes so much sense, too. It made me really happy to hear that.

Love will tear us apart again.

I wrote a list today, which was first began as a list of my insecurities (I have to come to terms with those somehow) and eventually turned into the things that I’m afraid of. It’s a pretty freaking huge list, and acknowledging the fact that the items are relatively broad only adds more significance.

I lost my vocabulary sheet, which I have a test on tomorrow. I tried to sleep it off and it didn’t work so I ended up crying over it. This week is going to suck.

… But still, today was one of the best days I’ve had in a while. For no particular reason why. And when I say this to myself, it’s ridiculous because I know such a statement could only arise out of selective attention and if not that, luck.

I had first period with Netland today, which was cool. I love that class, even if we did nothing. Joyce sits next to me and I absolutely love her, even if she’s a republican! Second period was nice because I had Crumb for study hall. We discussed how state went, which sounded like so much fun, and then I began to read our new selection for english, which is Julius Caesar, but the introduction and the overview of Shakespeare’s works were so well-written. Notebook-worthy, really. Reading that occupied most of my time. Fourth period was lame because we watched Nacho Libre, which Megan and I watched last summer, much to our chagrin. Decidedly, I began to read Julius Caesar and ignored the movie. We were allowed to take an extra lunch today, which I did. I had lunch with Cody, which was cool. Fifth period involved absolutely nothing, besides discussing my inherent lesbianism with Daniella.

I’ve begun to wear make-up again. Well, eyeliner. I cannot help but feel somewhat pretentious as I apply paint to accentuate my eyes (like, you guys need so much help with that.) I love how I cannot live up to my own expectations.

My teacher told me yesterday that there is no way I can get out of the science portion of our standardized test. I am absolutely livid by the lack of control I have in this area of my life.

1. I am only being forced to take the test because of funding. It is not a graduation requirement- it means nothing.
2. Naturally, everyone else in the world believes that I have nothing to do for those first three hours of the school day. My AP class is within the first three hours of the day. Ridiculous.
3. I took it last year and was five points short of passing. Five points. I took it so I would not have to take it this year. lkasjflkasjdlf;sjdlfkjsdlfkjklsdjf
4. I hate everyone.

And, oh, how I’d remember you

… “and how I’d push my fingers through your mouth to make those muscles move that made your voice so smooth and sweet!”

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea has been my favorite song lately. I keep getting more and more interested in Neutral Milk Hotel, really.

But uh, yeah, sorry for the lack of updates. It’s either been preoccupational distress, self-induced or not, that leads me to work or repulsed by it. Leading me away from the computer. Yeah.

Uh, I’ve been drafting this in my head for a while, but now that I’ve actually arrived, the eloquence has been lost. Sorry. But I’ll do my best to follow through with this.

So, I’m afraid of graduating. I went to that Running Start orientation meeting at school a few days ago. Clearly, this is for those confident academics that feel they are aware of the career path that is, indeed, comparable to moving out to the west. (Uh, manifest destiny. Thinkin’ about those Giants in the Earth, yeah.) I have no idea as to what I want to do when I get out of college. Or out of high school, same difference. The only thing I have ever had a passion for is english. I mean, science may come and go- this interest I have in evolution may leave me sooner than I expect- but I’ve always been great with english. The only job that was listed on WOIS (yeah, that place) that seemed to fit me somehow that wasn’t totally degrading was, indeed, “proofreader.” One word. So like, companies hire them to look over their stuff? Yeah. That’s as far as I went with the thought. Sociology is the second choice. I know that evolutionary psychology will get me nowhere.

I have so many important decisions that I am going to have to make, very soon. Not to mention the AP test that is within a month. In fact, a month from tomorrow is the day I have my AP test. I have to also get assessed for Running Start, y’know, pay the fifteen bucks and go to the testing center and get that done and over with. Oh, and scholarships, because as much as dad tries to assure me that he’ll pay for school and my housing as soon as I get out of high school- I know there’s no way we can afford to do that. Even if the college/university I’ll be attending has to be in-state, because it’s cheaper. As much as I want to go to Oxford or Cambridge. Yeah.

It’s hard to admit, my weaknesses can consume me

The Honorary Title is having a show here right now. I really want to go but it has started already and dad definitely won’t happen. I’ve been wanting to hear, “Frame By Frame,” live for a very long time- the song is full of sentimentality and I’d appreciate hearing it live, the experience is different.

… I swear, if dad accosts me tomorrow with, “So, what were you saying about that concert?” I will certainly become violent.

I bought a necklace over the interwebs yesterday. I cannot wait until I receive it, even if it means that I will be forced to give up my badge of craftiness for a little while. So I can’t be like I MADE THIS, I have to be like, I bought this over the interwebs. At least I got past my pride and decided that I cannot make everything I choose to wear as an elaboration of my overall theme.

Lately, I’ve been listening to Motion City Soundtrack a lot. Or, more like, thinking about their music and how it relates to me. Monsters Invisible and AOK is so definitive of my diagnoses, primarily when I was doubting my abilities to handle my life and such. Hah, Commit This to Memory reminds me of all those MythAdventures books and Harry Potter books that I read while I listened to the record. I only got into that record because I knew Mark was producing it. Indoor Living is absolutely one of the most doleful songs they have ever made.

I expected that paragraph to be much longer than it ended up.

A little too much for friends, but not enough to share

I finished reading A Raisin in the Sun today. I felt pretty disappointed about the play, especially after hearing such flattering reviews about it. Perhaps I need to look into the meaning further, but as of right now, I am left very unaffected. It seemed too short, so I didn’t really grow with the book. There seems to be no plotline at all. I did love that Asagai dude, though. :3

The main character is this dude named Walter, who is married to Ruth. Walter’s mother lives with him, as well as his sister and his son, in a rented apartment in Chicago. The story begins with the family anticipating a check in the mail, which is an inheritance check to Walter’s mother as result of her husband’s death. The story centralizes around how the family deals with receiving this large sum of money, seeing as they are impoverished to begin with.

Walter is clearly the protagonist of the play, but his personality is so complex- I am unsure of how I feel about him. The play starts out with him arguing with his wife, which is what most of what the play is about- their relationship. Walter is always hung up on making money- he always discusses his plans to start up his own business. He finds the inheritance check as a way to propel his career, and once he convinces his mother to give him the money, he eventually loses it all because he gets scammed, essentially. He is extremely bitter and drunk for most of the book, up until the denoument, at which point he’s euphoric and hopeful.

Perhaps Walter symbolizes the transcendental properties of idealism- despite having far-fetched plans and virtually no means to carry them out. But, he still associates the future with his utopia, therefore, he finds no reason to actually begin assessing his current state and his lack of understanding of the future.

I do appreciate Beneatha’s godlessness, although, I’m unsure as to what it meant within the book. Beneatha is among the most intelligent within the play, but she is also cold and stubborn. She is described as very beautiful, and has the potential to date one of the wealthiest people within the play, but ends up falling for the Asagai dude, who isn’t particularly wealthy but is optimistic and intelligent. He only appears twice within the play, but the author clearly wishes for the audience to favor Asagai over the other dude (his last name is Murchison!! What a plonker!)

So here’s why I suck at relationships

I watched my yellow cat says (9:03 PM):
WE FAIL AT FIGHTING
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
D:
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
Srsly =\
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
I HATE YOU
I watched my yellow cat says (9:03 PM):
I HATE YOU MOAR
Tunacorn says (9:03 PM):
… These words of hate are full of love, this is lame

_

Sorry, that was too notable for me not to post it.

My epiphany

1. I am currently nomnomnom-ing popcorn
2. I went upstairs and realized that it’s spring so I changed into mah boxars and am really happy
3. Yes, I am currently wearing boxars
4. Be jealous of my popcorn, too, since we threw out all the boxes a long time ago and I chose the right kind of popcorn (without butter)

LIFE IS GOOD.

Brainstorming ideas for Megan’s birthday present.

Even if I planned for today to be AmandaReadingDay. I want to finish my “joy read” of Raisin in the Sun, but I also want to make some progress within Crime and Punishment. Oh, decisions, decisions.

k so my first date wasn’t that bad. Aside the awkwardness at the beginning, things went pretty nicely. I like my boyfriend even more than I had before, which is, I suppose, part of the reason why individual dates exist. So, I don’t regret going out today. But man, I need to be more affectionate. ‘Cause later I regret it a little.

God, I’m such a noob.

So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars

So, I’m going out on my first date today. I can’t say that I am overwhelmed with excitement. Quite the contrary. I don’t want to leave my house today. I guess I just suck as a teenager. I may be a girl, but I do have some degree of testosterone within my body and one would hope that that would at least make me feel somewhat apt to sexual activity. Which is the antithesis of whatever I’m feeling right now.

Maybe I feel somewhat inadequate as a teenager here because I’ve been watching Dawson’s Creek. Indeed, Dawson’s Creek. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit it, but wow! So many allusions to literature and film! I couldn’t help myself. And then I was drawn in by the plot and I just. Couldn’t. Stop. Watching. So I suck.

K, yeah, I’m a bit excited about going out today. But that’s only because I haven’t been out of this house for five days, and I haven’t been out extracurricularly for a much longer period of time than that.

I have fees to pay at the library. It’s about six dollars worth in fees. I’m tired of having fees because mom and dad are too lazy to drop off my books at the library. This happens all the time.

Hah, wow, Megan is holding onto me for dear life.