You are a victim of the rules you live by.

I’m so irritated right now. That gummy feeling I get at times like these just won’t go away. And lately I’ve realized that this microcosm I live in is so pointless and the only things I think about lately are, indeed, pointless as well. I don’t know, jumping into dating (although, it’s not just that) seems to have outlined the way I deal with people and my relationships with people. Not only that, but it’s making me face so many things that I’ve been avoiding.

“You know, Amanda, as time goes by, I realize how lucky I am to have been friends with you so long and to be so close to you. Because I realize how difficult it is for other people to get close to you.”

Megan told me this a few days ago. And a few weeks ago, too. :3 I don’t know, in her saying that, she points out that there are people vying for my attention and I shut them down if they try too hard. Because it overwhelms me. I realize, as time goes on, I become more and more like my mother and I do not want to mirror my mother’s social style. In a lot of ways, I feel like she’s Magwitch and I’m Pip. But then again, it’s not like this habit of mine is inherited. I could fix it if I tried hard enough. I’m just afraid of having to be in that situation in which I can do nothing to relieve the social tension.

I don’t know, I thought I was a really strong person but I’ve come to realize that I am afraid of so many abstract things- which is considerably worse than fearing concrete things.  The thing is, I’ve spent so much time on self-improvement within the last year, but I feel like I have achieved nothing. I pushed myself. I put myself in situations that I didn’t want to be in. I set up rules and I followed them, because I thought they were for the greater good. I challenged myself and the way I perceived things. Aw, but you know, not all anguish leads to self-actualization and I realized that. “Everything in moderation,” is pointless if you cannot figure out where the midpoint is. Diathesis-stress model.

And embarking on a new relationship doesn’t mitigate the problem. This isn’t to say that I’m going to give in and back out of this relation-date-tionship thing I have going on right now. Or any time soon. I have to try new things out and see how this goes. I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I’m just saying that I’m really freaking scared right now.

I’m afraid of what I could potentially do to myself, as vacuous as that sounds. I don’t want to make the mistakes my friends have. I realize that a relationship can only fulfill that part in my life, but I’m afraid that I could monopolize that resource. It sucks that I’m dating one of my best friends because when the relationship inevitably ends (come on, we all know I’m not going to marry my first boyfriend) the friendship will be ruined, too. No matter how much we assure each other of an attractive dissolution, I know it’s not going to work out that positively. It never does.

And the pain of losing that friendship is enough to make me want to end this relationship altogether before we become too attached. Just because his last relationship was a long-term and successful one, it doesn’t mean that this relationship will be, and I don’t want to be around when this thing ends.

Oh, and the fact that no matter how much you love someone or how much you trust them, there’s virtually no way to remain confident that they won’t decide to remove themselves from your life altogether some day, isn’t helpful, either.

And so I was sitting on the couch, staring at the television in horror as orcas were playing volleyball with a dead baby sea lion.

I’m not sure if this is too personal for a blog but whatever. Not like it damages me.

I’m making a corset for myself because I have an extraordinarily voracious sex drive and I need to look good while I am satisfying it. Actually, no, I’m going to use it daily as a substitute for a bra. I just hope I don’t mess it up, as I’ve ventured into this territory before and I did not return unscathed.

I’ve been talking to Cody-man a lot lately and it’s been cool. Even if we have these latency periods in which we discuss virtually nothing, most of the time we actually have fun talking about stuff. He always makes me laugh. Haha, I love this dude so much. He brings the own to everything that he does. We might hang out sometime this week and I’m definitely looking forward to it. Even if I didn’t like him, I’d still look forward to it.
Like, wow, things  are kind of working out.  :3

My mother is bugging me about him at every opportunity she gets and she makes me ask him questions; it’s ridiculous. I thought this mother-daughter bond should extend past things like this. Because it’s the only thing she ever talks about lately.

Prepare yourselves.

This is my second post for today, I may write a third since I have stuffs I want to talk about. Sadly, I’m going to have to induce another cut here. Typically, I avoid using cuts but pictures take up tons of room and it might slow down people’s computars and stretch the page and wreak havoc. :3

You know every word they say

… “You knew just the right things to say to them. Distance ripped us farther and farther and farther away.”

Today was pretty good. We did virtually nothing in all of our classes.

Instead of going to the pep assembly, I went to my favorite teacher’s classroom and chilled out for a while. Except other people did that, too, and it made the entire thing extraordinarily uncomfortable because I couldn’t read Crime and Punishment in peace. God, people- this is study hall. If you wanted to talk, you should’ve gone to the pep assembly. I hate everyone.

Cody had lunch with us today. It was awkward but I was too busy being all :D! to care.

One of the restaurants mom and dad seem to love is this stupid place that we affectionately call, “Chung’s,” even if that’s not the name of the restaurant at all and quite honestly, I feel like someone made up the name. Anyways. It sells teriyaki chicken and only teriyaki chicken. I hate teriyaki chicken, and I feel like everyone else on this planet does besides my parents. I also feel like my parents are the only sponsors that help maintain this business, really.

So, they called me when they were there because they told me they would if they discovered anything on the menu that did not involve teriyaki chicken. The options were pho soup, egg rolls, spring rolls, and fried rice. All of which are essentially side dishes to complement teriyaki chicken. First, I hate spring rolls. They are lame and whomever invented spring rolls deserved to host a debilitating parasite within his or her intestines. Second, I’ve never consumed pho soup but I heard it was really good so I asked for it. My mother said that I wouldn’t like it so she wouldn’t get it for me.

In the end, I ordered egg rolls and chicken fried rice. (Another thing- shrimp fried rice owns, I don’t understand why the only choices that were available were pork, chicken, and beef.) I only ordered egg rolls because I wanted to spite spring rolls. I don’t know how good egg rolls taste, but they should be better than spring rolls because nothing is worse than spring rolls.

On second thought, I should have bought spring rolls so I could pain them as I consume them. Not only that, but I would keep the spring rolls away from their friends in the process, which could possibly induce suicide among the spring rolls and make all spring rolls die. Like Voldemort, only not.

Edit:

WHY OH WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?

They put teriyaki chicken. In my fried rice.

I hate everyone.

Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
I don’t even get how you entered the conversation.
Rebellious Turnip says (8:18 PM):
lol
Rebellious Turnip says (8:18 PM):
I am omnipotent, I am in all converstaions
Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
hahah
Believe me, I failed this effort. says (8:18 PM):
I know, seriously.
Rebellious Turnip says (8:19 PM):
Usually just in the porn conversations, but I can hang over in the “brilliant thing to say” conversations every once in awhile
___

I love my, ahem, boyfriend. :3 Because I officially have a man now.

I need answers for what all the waiting I’ve done means.

… “You kill me, you build me up but just to watch me break. You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say.”

I don’t really know what to write about today. So I’ll just right down random things I’ve been thinking about.

• I hate being smothered by people. But people do that to me anyways.
• I am so confused about which classes that I plan on taking. I thought the stress of it would go away once I turned it in, decidedly, it didn’t.
• Gosh, I’m so tired of everyone pulling a Logan on me. Yeah, “I like you. I think you’re cool. But you’re not that cool that I’d actually date you for it.” But I’m just an insensitive jerk so whatever.
• Yeah, I’m pretty apathetic right now.
• I’m really looking forward to taking apart my Ikea clock to make a necklace or something out of the gears. No, it will not look that lame.
• Kill- Jimmy Eat World. Jimmy Eat World is always spot on when it comes to these things.

I HATE EVERYONE.

/post

This place is void of all passion

… “If you can imagine, it’s easy if you try. Believe me, I failed this effort.”

Gosh, it’s been so ;laskjfl;ksjd;lfkjsdlfkj the last couple of days. And this sums it up perfectly:

Norman says (8:55 PM):
you don’t go like “hai, i like you woman” and then be like “…but i don’t want a committed relationship”
Norman says (8:55 PM):
especially since you went and trashed your other man after hearing cody liked you
___

And because of that, I’m getting a bit mean to Cody. If that makes me an antagonistic degenerate, then so be it. I have my pride. And even if breaking up with the other guy was completely selfish and I do not forgive myself at all for it, at least I lost my self-respect in the process.

/optimism

Felatio says (6:09 PM):
So every morning when I wake up, I set my alarm back 20 minutes, and go back to sleep

Felatio says (6:09 PM):
I lather, rinse, and repeat, until 6:30

Playing hopscotch on your bandages. says (6:09 PM):
… Why?

Felatio says (6:10 PM):
Because getting out of bed is more depressing than killing your own animal

Felatio says (6:10 PM):
Anyway

Playing hopscotch on your bandages. says (6:10 PM):
haha, nice analogy, +2 pts

Dear you,

I felt a bit guilty reading your blog the other day. I feel even worse replying to your post. But I’ll give it a shot.
First, I want to say that I have loads of respect for you, and after reading this, I respect you even more. It takes great strength to handle everything you are going through right now, and I recognize that.
Regarding how you act like you’re happy around everyone at school- normally, I would say to do whatever keeps you functioning; it may not be logical, but if it works, then keep working with it. But, it’s stressing you out too much to keep up with this facade. From what you said in your entry, that seems to make up a significant part of the amount of stress you have. So, if you think something will make you feel better, like crying (even when in front of other people) or venting, then do it; it’s healthier. Don’t feel too guilty about being behind on homework and school and stuff- perhaps now is the time to fight off your demons.

Spending too much time on self-improvement is anti-social.

K. So I’m a bit angry right now. No, I’m very, very, angry right now. Y’all better watch yourselves, because I’m ready to bring it!

Jesus, everyone is reciprocating my feelings lately. Dear god, what am I going to do. Sublimation.

Man, I love Tender is the Night. In a lot of ways right now, I feel like Dick Diver.

I am getting quite a kick out of this bluntness thing. ‘Cept it comes so easily that I probably hurt people in the process or make them feel awkward. I don’t want to end up like my aunt, so uh, I guess I need to change that.

A sip for every second-hand tick

… “And every time you fed the line, ‘you mean so much to me!””

Today has been so strange and eventful and exciting, man. Things really aren’t that bad. Dude, like, omgz I am even more crazysexycool than I once thought.

Gosh, sorry to be so vague, guys. I’d be more open if I could, but as exciting as it was, I am very unsure as to what life is going to be like from now on. I’m not sure if changes are even going to take place. I have all the hope in the world right now but I admit- I’m a bit afraid of whatever is going to come. Yeah, I am reminded of a conversation from a few days ago:

Phar: “Amanda, are you afraid of intimacy?”

Me: “Er, I wouldn’t say that I’m afraid of intimacy. If anything, I’m repulsed by it.”

Phar: “Which means you’re afraid of intimacy.”

Me: “I guess.”

That reminds me of Schacter’s Two-Factor Theory. People respond emotionally to situations according to the way they perceive it. Now that I have this label, a label that indicates some sort of problem within a well-adjusted person, I am unsure as to how to approach this.

I think I am going to tag my entries all over again. I need to organize this thing more. As time-consuming as it may be.

I received my essay back from my English teacher. I am very proud of myself- I’ve earned another A on an essay, and I worked really hard to achieve that. I feel very satisfied with myself right now.

You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.

Keep us comatose but audible. And I like it the farther I get out. We pass it off but it is all on us, the common conversation, it took everything I got. I like it the farther I get out.

Dear you:

I absolutely adore your company. I wish we could be around each other more often. You get it. You say jokes that aren’t entirely stupid and that make sense. As much as I hate to admit it: I am in no position right now to pursue a relationship. I’m pretty lucky, though, that you got around to me. I’ve expressed such favoritism during this entire year, and I’m very excited and flattered by the fact that you want to get to know me better. It really sucks having to come to this realization, but I need to consider all aspects of my life before embarking on such a time-consuming thing. I don’t believe in destiny or anything like that at all, but I felt such a connection with you when we began speaking to each other that I just couldn’t help but get to know you better. I hope you got that part- because I totally advertise myself whenever you’re around.

… Even if you asked my best friend out during the first week of school. But you smell nice so it’s k.

___

I went to the Headstart meeting thing tonight. It’s terrible how these school institutions are set up. We are in such a rush and in a state of anxiety, given the time tables we are given in terms of entering school and leaving it, that we have virtually no time to cherish the state of security that we are in. The calm before the storm does not seem to exist here. Perhaps those Victorians really had no clue about how to deal with educating people, especially since they only seemed to value Freudian ideology. Which saddens me.

I am very stressed out, though. I cannot function as well as I used to, but I’m pushing myself to work as hard as I can because I really need to focus on school right now. Aw, man- I lost my glasses today once I got home and I couldn’t find them until two hours later. I am the only person I know who could possibly lose their glasses within a twenty second time frame, after doing something habitual. And I am so lucky that I lose those glasses within a time period in which I have no recollection of.

I’ve become more impulsive within the last couple of weeks. I’ve become pretty unhealthy, too. I suppose there’s a period of time every year in which I absolutely neglect my body and its needs for no greater cause necessarily, just because I am so stressed out that any other call for attention that my body radiates becomes lost in the state of alertness I am in. Paradoxical. I haven’t eaten a full meal in about two weeks. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. I suppose it’s beginning to show. Three of my teachers have expressed concern in terms of my education and my personal life.

Spring is coming. Perhaps that will be enough to cheer me up. It always seems to, but then again, I have never had to face such existential problems to the degree I have had to within the last couple of months. I don’t think I have ever found it so necessary to bounce back. I also doubt I have ever emerged from such a state of melancholy and hopelessness either. Last year, most of my stress was a result of schoolwork and my parents’ reaction to my atheism.

This year, however, it was a combination of losing my best friends, coming out to my parents, lack of the care for and maintenance of my academic career, and other smaller things. As a result, though, I find it very difficult to accept that I have control over the problems I encounter, and much less over the way I can handle them. I am so incredibly frustrated with the way my life is set up right now. But we’ve been here before. I object so much to the world I live in right now and the way it affects me that I cannot even begin to describe it in a cohesive fashion. Because of that, I do not think there are other people within my age group who can comparatively speak to me about such frustration. Because no one cares about the things that are happening outside of the country they reside in. Because no one takes the time to question most of the things that happen to them or why our culture is a certain way. Quite honestly, I wish I didn’t look into all of the things I had, because I liked that childish mentality I once had. I liked being able to trust the world for the way it was. I liked not being critical of myself because of how trusting I sometimes was. I liked being able to trust the adults around me and (if ignorantly) accept their ideals and become what they wanted me to become. It was easier.

I have two notebooks now. One in which to quote the things I like, the other to write my original thoughts. It’s kind of nice.

“He went back into his house and Nicole saw that one of his most characteristic moods was upon him, the excitement that swept everyone up into it and was inevitably followed by his own form of melancholy, which he never displayed but at which she guessed. This excitement about things reached an intensity out of proportion to their importance, generating a really extraordinary virtuosity with people. Save among a few of the tough-minded and perenially suspicious, he had the power of arousing a fascinated and uncritical love. The reaction came when he realized the waste and extravagance involved. He sometimes looked back with awe at the carnivals of affections he had given, as a general might gaze upon a massacre he had ordered to satisfy an impersonal blood lust.

But to be included in Dick Diver’s world for a while was a remarkable experience: people believed he made special reservations about them, recognizing the proud uniqueness of their destinies, buried under the compromises of how many years. He won everyone quickly with an exquisite consideration and a politeness that moved so fast and intuitively that it could be examined only in its effect. Then, without caution, lest the first bloom of the relationship wither, he opened the gate to his amusing world. So long as they subscribed to it completely, their happiness was his preoccupation, but at the first clicker of doubt as to its all-inclusiveness, he evaporated before their eyes, leaving little communicable memory of what he had said or done.”

- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Oh, it hurts to be this good.

Today was a pretty huge day.

And you won’t ever know how much I care!

Aw, I’m in love with this I and the Universe stuff. Even if it’s only four songs, and one of them is basically the same verse on repeat.

My english teacher called me up and tried to talk to me again today. I was calmer and thus able to speak coherently. He is the strongest person I know, and I don’t doubt that even now. But he said to me, “The water’s under the bridge, but I know it hurts. I’ve been living with that kind of pain for the past forty-four years. It feels the same as it did when it first happened- can you believe it?”

It was strange. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I felt so awkward- I began shaking, I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, it was a stupid overestimation, but one cannot control the things the body does at that point. It was surprising, I suppose, because I had expected him to gloss over it and explain how things get better, how the pain will go away, how I’ll grow old and forget about it, how I’ll mature and outgrow it. I appreciate, though, that he didn’t lie to me about it just to make me feel better. I’m really going to miss having him as a teacher next year, since he’s retiring.

__

Time for teen angst. And really stupid verbs used incorrectly, such as, “like.” (Really, I hate using this term but it is the easiest and shortest term available to describe my thought)

I dig my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. I know- stupid. I can’t stand myself because of it. I know nothing will ever happen and if he were to attempt to advance our friendship, I would ultimately be forced to reject him because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were to betray her. I spend tons of time with him now, which I also cannot stand because of how weird I get. And the guilt of flirting with him, whatever that means.

And then there’s this other guy that rides my bus. He’s somewhat older than I am, but he’s much more fun than the person I’ve mentioned already. He’s political, witty, funny, POLITICAL, and charismatic. Megan said that morally, this guy is the better choice since I wouldn’t be betraying anyone. She also said that he’s more well-rounded than the other homeskillet. The thing is, though, I’m a year his junior and we spend virtually no time together. I have spanish class with him and we sometimes sit next to each other on the bus, but that is the extent to which I speak to him. I would love to speak to him more. Perhaps I should express this, but I do not want it to become weird since I hardly know him.

The only tiebreaker seems to be that the second dude is more mature. And that I wouldn’t hurt anyone in the process of courtship.

And the fact that expending my resources on this part of my life is not the most responsible thing to do. I went to the Cambridge and Oxford University websites, and it was such a reality-check for me. First, the costs are outrageous. Second, Cambridge recommends for undergraduate students from the United States to be within the top one percent of their class for him or her to be considered for admission. Decidedly, my grades aren’t terrible, but they could definitely be better and if I want to do well- if I want to do whatever I plan on doing- I’d better be prepared academically.

The only thing that really motivates me is to become independent, and college is the way to get there. It may not be complete and utter autonomy, but it is closer to whatever sort of state I’m in now. I want to be able to live up to my own standards and beliefs and not be tied down by those that my parents have. In order to achieve this, I have to do well. If anything, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me from becoming absolutely hopeless.

By the way, “charismatic,” is one of the best adjectives to use to describe someone. It’s so complimentary, at least to me, to be described as “charismatic.”

I’ll make a list because I want to

and because I was daydreaming about making a list so I’ll write down what I day-dreamt.

1. I will go to sleep early.
2. I will not converse with Anthony Egan about random crap until nine.
3. I just discovered a webcomic involving Lincoln and other relatively famous and un-famous people. I’m in love.
4. I’m talking to Cody which is cool because he’s my favorite person right now. Dear god, I hope I don’t end up conversing with him until nine about random crap.
   • He talks about Spongebob and I have no clue.
   • He talks about pokemon and I have no clue.
   • But we both bash religion so it’s k.
   • Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     but seriously
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     watch the holy grail
     Eunuch says (8:01 PM):
     you wil lol your feminine underpants off

   Uh, yeah, I think I’m good now, haha.

We went out yesterday to a bookstore in Tacoma. I ended up getting The Great Gatsby (which is written all over!!!! klasjfklsjd), Tender is the Night, Crime and Punishment, and Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground. All in all, not a bad day.

I came home and did homework. Not so cool. I still have things to do, actually. I could just roll over and die right now, I’m telling you.

“That’s so gay.”

Yeah. I’m in a mood today.

A few days ago, I overheard a conversation involving some friends from a few years ago. That was k. Up until they affectionately referred to “those weird girls” and how they were dating. They’ve used this instance as a reason to isolate them for years now.

I am disgusted, how people use that as a personal attack and believe that it serves as reasonable grounds to dislike someone. It makes me so angry. People use “gay,” as a derogatory term, but they don’t even know what that means, where originates, or how offensive it really is. “Homophobic,” has finally earned its stigma, but using “gay,” as a derogatory term has not.

To clear it up, using “gay,” as a derogatory term implies that being anything but heterosexual is wrong and is something to be ashamed of. The usage of this term further affirms the religious ideology that being attracted to the same sex is wrong, sinful, and disgusting.

They don’t realize how much of a product of society they are.

You will always be a little far for me to reach

HAPPY PI DAY!

Cody hugged me yesterday and I got all cuddly-wuddly on him. I don’t think anyone realized that I was mimicking Megan, and I suppose, I was mocking her, by doing so. Besides Megan, that is. She caught on pretty quickly, thankfully.

Yesterday was pretty terrible, though. I hadn’t been as unhappy as I was for a while. I mean, I had planned on crying through my study period because I thought I needed some sort of outlet, and that would be the way to do it. Incidentally, Kate had my study period and we talked the whole time about her boyfriend. Uh. So, yeah, everything built on that for the rest of the day.

The way my parents think are the product of the culture we live in. And honestly, such infantilization is ridiculous. In other societies, there isn’t even a term for adolescence- children become adults, children do not become adolescents. I dislike having my thoughts and suggestions degraded because of my age. I want to be judged on my merits and my actions and not my age. Everyone does.

Man, I can’t wait until spring comes. Spring and summer are better than fall and winter, since one doesn’t need to wear sweatshirts all the time to stay warm!

Mom and dad are thinking of having me take driving lessons this summer. Even if it’s a year later than the state requirement, I don’t think I want to take the lessons. What I mean by that is that I don’t feel rushed. What’s terrible is that being able to drive has become so iconic with the American culture; it’s a milestone- it really shows how prevalent this industry has become. I do not want to contribute to global warming any more than I have- I’ve made that point already. But the thing is, I may as well learn to drive when I can because it’s a skill I will inevitably need.

Cognitive Daily was the first blog that focused on psychology that I read, well, daily. I haven’t read it in months, maybe that’s because I steadily adhere to the standpoint of evolutionary psychology. Which is a stupid assumption to make. So I’m going through their archives.

I have three days off from school- so great. Give me three days to do absolutely nothing.