I’ll give you some more satisfaction.

I ate lunch with Cody today. It was really amusing, like it always is with him. I miss him so much. Hah, it’s amazing how quickly I changed my mind about him after I really got to know him. It’s so strange admitting that I used to really dislike him.

This carpool ordeal is over, kind of. Which alleviates so much stress from my life right now, you have no clue.

I failed my world history test. I’m not being hyperbolic, either.

There isn’t school tomorrow, so I hope to finally finish my dress. Or whatever.

Mallorie recommended a song by Damien Rice. I checked it out, and it’s one of my favorite songs right now. Hmm. She looks like the kind of person who would be all, “omgz fob.” But she isn’t. Or at least, I don’t think she is. I hate Hot Topic for the fact that I now have to be wary of and seek out… Scene Kids.

I keep receiving these strange magazines in the mail. The sad thing is, I probably ordered them for free and I don’t remember doing so. I suck.

The democratic debates are airing tonight. And I swear: I. Will. Watch. It.

All this fighting will amount to nothing more.

I bend to break.

I’m getting sick. Therefore, it made finals pretty unbearable and left me feeling incredibly used up. I finished my first final in an hour and had nothing to do for the rest of the period. Basically, today was full of inactivity, up until the final.

I want to get out of this carpool deal so badly. I can’t stand the frustration I am experiencing right now. Honestly, I could hurt myself, I am so frustrated.

So, uh, the guy that I’ve like(d) for however many years digs my best friend. I shouldn’t worry about it. I’m trying to remain as indifferent as possible. I know she’d never hurt me.

Got snowed in. Finals are delayed. Bought some books for the upcoming week. Progressed on my dress. Slept. Ate. Found a huge dislike for grapefruit. Saw Mr. and Mrs. Thompson at Costco, which made me cry. Almost. Saw one of my classmates working at Arby’s. Came to the conclusion that he is no longer worth it.

All in all, not a bad day. A pretty good day. I also discovered a new appreciation of my friends and wanted to give Megan a hug. I never give out hugs. A new era has begun.

With the needle that sings in uour heart

Even if we know that the beauty that is fed to us by the media is unrealistic, then why do we still try to attain it?

Honestly, I’m dying to know how you are right now. Somehow, I keep having dreams about a friend of mine from at least five years ago. It’s frustrating since there is virtually no way to get into contact with her. Actually, no, it’s surprising what the internet can yield. It’s just that there isn’t a phone number listed and only an address. Which is not helpful, since there’s no way I’m going to commute to an apartment in Everett, to be slapped in the face by someone’s mother. Phones are safer.

I’m thinking of making a habit of walking through couples that hold hands. I did it a few days ago and it felt spectacular. The look on their faces were basically asking me, “What? You expect us to let go in order to let a fellow pedestrian walk by?!” and at the last possible second, they unlatched. It was great. I’m thinking of starting a trend. It’s better than throwing condoms at unsuspecting couples making out. And not as rude. :D

There will be no encore.

Man, today was intense. It was a day of crying, basically. Over, well, whatever. It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to just cry over something. Which, I think, is unhealthy. Because, you know, even if I’m not supposed to care anymore, everything reminds me of him.

It also sucks that all the absolutely wonderful things he’s given me aren’t made up. I wish they were. For the longest time, I thought they were. It’s become pretty difficult to forget how it all felt. How hopeful I was! How surprised I was! How much I felt like he really cared. Even if it was still the same as before. Oh, and how much I know that I will never forget about it.

With every other part of my life, nothing stays the same. For some strange reason, this consistency has remained in the only place that I wish difference would could occur.

Catching signals that sound in the dark

“Anxiety in Heidegger’s philosophy reveals out thrownness, meaning the brute fact of our presence in the world. It breaks the spell of the anonymous public mode in which, for the most part, we lose ourselves. In the public mode I am disburdened of the responsibility for my life since I interpreted myself as they do and therefore choose whatever they choose. The they-self being everyone and no one actually in flight from itself as unique and individual. When anguish emerges, I am stripped of the tranquilizing effect of lossness in the anonymous public mode and am recalled to the self. Individualized through the awareness of myself as finite, knowing I am going to die, and responsible for how I live, anguish can bring me to the awareness of my freedom and to the obligation to assume responsibility for myself. Anxiety can also reveal Being, however, only as no-thing, when the meaning that I have given to beings falls away, leaving me with the question of why there is something rather than nothing. Anguish reveals nothing because it robs me of everyday meanings that make the world familiar. What remains is not only as uncanny nothing veiling Being. This unsettling experience does not last, although it remains an ever-present possibility. In anguish I am anxious about the nothing. The experience of nothingness is fundamental.”

I told you that book on existentialism is good. But man, it costs over two hundred bucks!

In the parlor with the moon across her face

So true. I am so guilty of this. But I guess I don’t have much of an idea of what I want from life because I’m so young, which is different from what this person said, because they were emphasizing the point of how people are too distracted to think about what they want from life. Perhaps this ties into my post on dreams, but whatever.

I’m going to update my 101 things in 1001 days list today.

Hah. He’s interested in sociology. I hate myself.

I left school early today because I felt sick, and quite honestly, there was nothing else to look forward to during my latter classes. It’s just review.

I had a discussion with my parents the other night. It really changed the way I thought about relationships. Here’s the gist of it:

1. In order to establish a relationship, you don’t really need to have a crush on the other person. Apparently, those feelings develop over time.
2. They didn’t seem to value long-term relationships much. When I used the term, “mate,” it freaked them out. They said that if I were to be in a relationship, the whole point is to have fun, even if you know the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. Basically, they said that there’s no point in acting like you’re going to marry someone you’re dating in high school when you’re well aware that you won’t.

Er, yeah, only two points. But it really changed the way I thought about relationships. I’ve always thought that short term relationships are, well, skanky. I suppose short-term relationships are healthy, only if they are in moderation.  And it certainly eases me back into infatuation, somehow. Well, it could. But I won’t allow it.

Man, self-discipline has become so much of a part of my thoughts and my life. I’m not sure if that is healthy.

Given my drastic change of plans, I’m scurrying to sew myself that dress. Uh, yeah, I’m going to Tolo. Kind of. I’m making plans with Amelia, hopefully it works out.

I scheduled an appointment with the counselor so I can jump-start my credits and figure out what I’m going to do about my career.

I received my PLAN results yesterday. It says that I should be a scientist or a sociologist. As cool as either of them would be, I’m just becoming more and more doubtful of whichever career I choose. Man, I would love to be an editor, but journalism is so competitive and tricky, I don’t think it’s something I would be particularly successful at. Not to mention that the PLAN’s questions concerning career choice wasn’t exactly logical. It asked you to choose between one thing or another (Would you rather write a book or conduct scientific studies?) and choose how much you’d like to do it.

Perhaps I am far too complex, but it really sucked being forced to do that. Mostly because the rationale behind each choice was so far from what it could be read as.  In reference to the example I used, this is what I thought when I encountered that question: I don’t really like writing. But the entire scientific process is pretty vapid, too. Man, I love science, though.  Writer’s block annoys me, but after I get the hang of it, it’s not too bad. I just don’t want them to think that I enjoy that process, although, the field in which writing is in is something I wouldn’t mind being a part of. But science is my passion. I love science. I don’t want them to think, though, that I’m not considering the former. But if I put the degree of enjoyment I get out of these activities in the middle, then they might think that I’m being indifferent, which is far from my intent. Actually, they might even throw out the questions I rated “in the middle,” because they are not at either extreme and are, therefore, meaningless. Given the fact that people who are scoring these things, they don’t care about me at all. They have tons of other tests to score. Which means they’ll throw out the question.

Yeah. I suck. My brain had, pretty much, exploded from absolute frustration as I was being tested during the easiest portion.

I keep burning my fingers from trying to rekindle the flame

Today was a pretty good day.

My teacher: Which neurotransmitter is responsible for schizophrenia (and something else..)

Me: ACETYLCHOLINE!

My teacher: Wrong.

Me: I hate myself.

The class begins to laugh, thankfully. Before you jump to some weird conclusion of how outgoing I am, I’ll have you know we were in teams and were competing for extra credit. Which I need.

After school, I hung out with Heather. Then she left. And I found a dictionary of existentialism, which I totally saturated myself with for about twenty minutes before Zoe came. So we read “together” for a little while. Then Cameron came over and all hope was lost when it came to reading the book. For some strange reason, Cameron is pushing me to ask Logan to Tolo.

1. He doesn’t have the time.
2. I don’t particularly love him anymore.
3. I shouldn’t keep putting him in awkward positions like this.
4. Homecoming sucked.
5. I don’t really like him anymore.
6. I suck too much whenever I’m around him, even if I don’t like him anymore (note, this is the third time I’ve said it.)
7. The expected role of being really cuddly-wuddly wouldn’t wash too well with me.
8. We’d probably ignore each other the entire time.

And yet, when Caitlin Larson came into the library to talk with us, she said,”That’d be so cute!”Everyone else proceeded to encourage her. That made me feel really awkward, and for some reason, I couldn’t point out that I don’t really like him anymore. I guess all the certainties I had of the date-tion-ship thing we could possibly have were abrogated. Except only temporary.

I told Cameron that if he was so interested in this, then he can ask him for me. I don’t care. Except I have no real desire to go with him, and I’m pretty sure that if the rare occasion of Cameron asking him for me were to occur, he would say no. It’s a win-win situation. Not really.

But, of course, counterfactual thinking isn’t something I am particularly great at, being the cynic I am.

On Jezebel, there was an article citing what women want in their, omgz, dream man. I appreciate Jezebel’s approach on it, because, quite honestly, reading things like those on their website makes me feel less like a teenager. Which I appreciate greatly. But anyways. I have never given my “dream guy” much thought. When I was little, I had such ideas. As I grew older, I found no need for one. I like guys with blue eyes. But I don’t think it’s essential to whomever I may choose as a mate. I couldn’t tolerate a stupid guy, but then again, that’s just my standard. It’s not a dream necessarily, it’s a standard. A Dream Person seems like one that is either unattainable or nonexistent. I don’t have that many rigid guidelines when it comes to a mate for I am pretty flexible, really. I don’t know. I’ve never pondered that idea too closely.

Hah, I’ve come to the realization that perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed of the fact that I talk about people that I like and all that stuff that is related to adolescence. I have already differentiated myself from my peers enough. Except I’ll continue to dislike it when I act like a teenager.

Made for his lover who’s floating and choking with her hands across her face

Given all of the epiphanies I’ve experienced, the result has been so much change within the last couple of months. I’m not sure whether they are good ones. Basically, I gave up on the only person I will ever love; my sexual orientation has changed once more to being a nonexistent one; half of the people I knew months ago I don’t even talk to anymore, and half the people I do know now annoy me.

Swollen and small is where you’ll find me now

Er, so, basically, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not detract from it. So, maybe I should spend less time with this person, if all they do is annoy me. Or put me in this awkward position of choosing a side. Immaturity does not wash well with me.

Surge of static electricity

Brought on by the fear of being seen.

Somehow, I end up watching these obscure horror movies late at night. The other evening, I was watching a movie, I’m not really sure what it was about, but this dude had sewn this other guy’s eyelids and mouth shut with fish hooks and then was stringing him onto a larger contraption, which he raised up or something and the dude exploded. Okay, I didn’t watch the guy explode, I had imagined that part, pretty much, because I changed the channel before I could see anything too gross. Decidedly, I need to stop watching television.

I finished knitting my really pro-looking lace scarf. I dig it. I just don’t know if I’ll ever wear it.

My sewing machine hates me and refuses to finish sewing a straight line. I’m pretty unhappy, even if it’s under warranty. I start sewing and then it goes, “Nu-uh, oh no, you didn’t!” and one of the lower loopers end up being unthreaded. I think the only thing I have to do to mediate this problem is to re-thread the machine, but I was too angry last night to even think about it.

It sucks knowing that today is the last day of the weekend. I’ve been bored this entire time. I tried to do something productive and that didn’t happen because of my sewing machine. I’m going to do something cool today. Yeah, I’m going to do something cool today. But the first thing I have to do is shower. Peace out.

In your memory you’re drunk on your autonomy

Anthony says (9:31 PM):
all > velveeta
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:31 PM):
Velveeta is the end-all, be-all of human existence.
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
so on that note
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
enough about cheeses
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
its making this conversation rather cheesey
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
BAHAHAHAHA
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
HA
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
HAHAHA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
Lama.
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
AAH
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
AHAHAHA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
Lame*
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:32 PM):
lskjdflskjdf
Anthony says (9:32 PM):
LLAMA
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
;WOIAJEOG;IJAWEO;GTJAO;WEJG
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
Go die.
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
LLAMA
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
s;ldkf;sldkf
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
/llama
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
dlfkjg;ldsjgf
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
I hate you.
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:33 PM):
alsjf;ask
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
=D llama
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
como se llama?
Anthony says (9:33 PM):
jajaja
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
asjfls;akjdf
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
have you pet your llama lately
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
como se llama de tu llama?
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
jajajaja
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
what do you call your llama
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
Oh, god.
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
lskajdflksjdf
Long-winded promises of future company says (9:34 PM):
I hate yooouuuuu
Anthony says (9:34 PM):
jajaja

_____

‘Nuff said. This conversation made me laugh unbearably.

Long-winded promises of future company.

… Up close, the sound remains the same. Without the reign of terror over any momentary change, we are exactly as before.

Wow, at times, listening to Motion City really changes perspective.

I took two tests today and I have one more left. Mmph.

I have virtually no plans. Tolo is coming up very soon, therefore, there’s this frantic throng of women trying to find a mate. It’s quite sad. I’ve come to the consensus that I’m not going. There isn’t a point. Although, my idea of a dress will probably apply to Allie’s party instead.

But, uh, I’m going to the commissary tomorrow? Is that even something to look forward to?

Today was extraordinarily long. I can’t believe I even got through it. I nearly fell asleep as I was waiting for Mr. Speck to come to the room so I can turn in my vocabulary test.

I have very little to talk about. But I”m in the mood to type, so I’ll just run with it.

I’ve been consumed with the idea that, as sad as it may be, I will inevitably die alone. That sucks because I’m the coolest person I know. I’m not too shabby looking, either. Maybe if I threw my self out there, I’ve get myself a man. Decidedly, as much as I try to avoid the craze of Tolo, it has come for me somehow and I think I may be buying into it. Because, essentially, after the dance everyone is going to be a couple again and I’ll be alone like I always am. Not the thing I’m looking for, really. If this school wasn’t so full of idiots and druggies, then I could conceivably have a chance at dating someone who has at least half of the standard brain mass of a teenager. These are the people that are bringing that average down.

The worst thing is, a relationship and that sort of intimacy is the last thing I want for myself right now. I hate being touched. I hate it. There isn’t even a person I like anymore. I won’t deny that I feel somewhat lonely, though. It sucks having friends and suddenly, they disappear because they care more about their boyfriends/girlfriends. I’m tired of this happening to me, because clearly, it’s impossible to predict whether someone will someday decide substitute you. Somehow, I find myself wanting this even if it’s the antithesis of whatever I really want in my life right now. And that annoys me.

Man, we would be lonely together.

I miss you all the time but I’m blocking it out.

Man, I’m exhausted.

We did much worse this time around, but we did well nonetheless. I’ve come to the conclusion that this guy on my team likes me. I don’t blame him. I’m just too cool for him, though.

How the notes all bend and reach above the trees.

Megan and I spent our lunch sitting on the floor behind a table selling those bumper stickers. Decidedly, no one bought any.

I talked to Mallorie again in math today. She can be quite the interesting person when she doesn’t sound like a Californian. Despite the insult, anyone who knows me knows that when I do that, it’s usually to avoid complimenting someone. Yeah.

I bumped into Logan today on the way to math. Honestly, it’s amazing how someone can absolutely kill you with kindness. I don’t know. I’m not going to allow myself to fall into the trap of being, omgz, in love, with someone like that again. It gets me angry that I cannot remain angry at him for whatever he did, but I’m not going to resume this thing again. Life just sucked whenever it came to him. I won’t be fooled again.

The longer that I’m out here, the better you sound

But anyways. I am stuck repairing this stupid backpack again because I dread shopping for backpacks since I never find one I truly like. Now that I have one that I appreciate, somewhat, the quality is equivalent to that of an underpaid Chinese worker. Oh, wait…I also have this need to organize all of my stuff in my  binder, since I have virtually no room for my new books. Actually, I do have room, but it would be at the expense of the poor people who would be assaulted as I bend down to get stuff from my locker. That backpack gets pretty huge and mean when it wants to.

I guess I’ll admit that I’m somewhat attracted to two guys I know. But they aren’t the same guys I was talking about before. This is quite stupid, but bear with me.

I understand I have virtually no chance at romantic success with these dudes, considering that one is a druggie and the other is just a homie. I haven’t spoken to these guys at all, but they are relatively aesthetically pleasing, so whatever. I just love the look of clean and crisp button-up shirts, which is why I dig the homie. The other dude is just kind of… There. He seems cool. He recognized me at homecoming.

P.S. For the last time, that darned Juno soundtrack makes me want to punch myself, given the stupid lyrics and overwhelmingly folk-y tones. I didn’t need to go out and buy the soundtrack to come to this conclusion, the movie violated me enough.

I’m just a prisoner of my fate.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed out. Given the varying sources of it, I think it’s done a wonderful job of wearing me down to near non-existence.

I mean, clearly, I must be the worst person on this planet. I choose not to suffer by being silent. And, obviously, if I give up on someone because there’s no conceivable way of changing their mind about anything, then that makes me a tragically cold person. And even if all these attacks to my character don’t affect me at all because I know that I’m good enough for me, it also makes me a cold person.  Well, you birthed me.

I have little control over anything, wow. Not, “wow,” since I’ve known that for a while. Though it still irks me more than the other aspects of life, I can manage to forget about it for months at a time, but when instances like these come up, I’m forced to think about it. Despite all of my attempts to:

a) convince my mother that she is a good mother and that I love her

b) convince my best friend that the guy she’s being so melodramatic over is really stupid
… They have all failed. Working on these months at a time with no progress becomes irritating. I cannot live like that anymore when words aren’t enough when it comes to persuading.  And actions aren’t working, either. It’s so pointless. Why even try anymore if nothing else works?

I haven’t been sleeping particularly well, either. I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night, for I was studying, and last night the melatonin decided to go on strike. It gave in for an hour- a good hour of deep-REM sleep- but that was all. And yeah, deep-REM sleep is an indication of sleep deprivation, man.

My english final is by far the most stressful final I anticipate. Within two hours, I have to answer a hundred vocabulary questions, fifty grammar (which include providing your own sentences and underlining the clause/whatever) questions, an essay, and some literature questions. Two hours. Even if I were incredibly well-equipped to take the final, I don’t think I would finish it due to the amount of time we have to finish it.

I spoke with Mallorie today in math while we were doing our partner quiz. I like her. She’s really friendly when she’s not incredibly distant.

I have my Knowledge Bowl tournament soon. I’ll paint the scene for you:  both high schools singing songs along the bus, man, it’s cool. Lots of team morale and un-competition. Trivia, and more!

… No, actually, since we’ll all be studying for these godforsaken finals that we probably won’t care too much about the competition.

I was supposed to be in charge of the fundraiser during lunch today, which I forgot about, because I suck.

Decidedly, today was not a wonderful day. I had a fun time cursing like there was no tomorrow, though.

And, omgz, I have to read Of Mice and Men once more, because we always read things twice in this class. I have to finish reading the chapter in psychology so I won’t fail the quiz tomorrow.

I can’t wait until these finals are over.

I say what they tell me to say.

I had a pretty satisfying day. I went to see Juno with Riza (which is a total keeper. Sorry to sound like everyone else on this planet, but it was the best movie I’ve seen in a while.) We had a heart-to-heart moment afterwards while we were at the mall, which seems to happen every time we congregate. There was a going-out-of-business sale (which was code for, “Barnes and Noble is taking all of our business ever since last Christmas when they conquered the mall.”) and everything was twenty five percent off, while the clearance stuff was an additional seventy five percent off. I bought the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe for a little under three bucks. And man, it’s COMPLETE. The book is about three inches thick. Oh, love.

I studied until midnight and couldn’t fall back asleep. At least I figured out to get my tv working again.  Sadly,  I still have two three more finals to study for. Stress, man.

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night

It’s painful when you realize, your lives are intertwined. It’s helped me somewhat.

So, there are two guys that I am somewhat interested in. One of them is actively showing interest in me, more so than the other guy. I think they’re cool, but I’m not attracted to either of them. It’s time for me to begin forming an honest relationship with myself, really. I cannot consider myself as rational if I’m not honest with myself. NO MORE. I don’t know. I mean, one guy is cool. He’s nice to me and acts like he is attracted to me. I guess that’s making him look better than he really is. I don’t know him at all. The other guy I’ve known for a while and I’m very comfortable around him and he’s the coolest guy I know. There isn’t a person I enjoy being around more.

… But I don’t see myself in a relationship with either person. They’re fun to be around, but I don’t think of them in that way.  I suck.  I feel like I should like them. Gosh, there isn’t a person that I’ve felt all omgz about since Logan. What does that say about my current state? Is it a lack of people or is it my fault? Man, I’m beyond annoyed.

I’m thinking of just laying low for a little while.

We are going to have an essay in English about Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. It’s going to be about our dreams and hopes. The worst thing is, I have none. I’m not really the kind of person who dreams of how I’m going to be years from now. When I was little, I did that, but that was mostly because I had nothing else to do. The world was so limited at the time that I couldn’t help but imagine what life would be like later on, the opportunities, and of course, it was primarily influenced by television. Maybe I just don’t know what I want right now, or I’ve grown up and I don’t need dreams to find meaning or direction. If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite the laid-back person. I’ll take things as they come. The only thing that I wish about life later on is that I’ll be independent and happy. Maybe this would lead to an interesting essay or an incredibly boring one. I mean, there are things I would like to happen, but they are contrary to reality so I don’t ponder those thoughts too long. Counterfactual thinking really isn’t for me, haha. I would like to live in Seattle. But it isn’t my dream.

Yesterday, I was knitting in class and I was suddenly mobbed by these people that I don’t know with requests to knit them hats and stuff. I don’t know these people. Not to mention, these are among the most obnoxious people at my school. But anyways. This girl turned around and she said, “So, you’re like, smart, right?”

…

‘Nuff said.