Fond, but not in love.

… “Never hear you laugh like that, so full. One last goodbye could last the rest of your life, one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied make better friends.”

I dealt with some unfinished business today. Logan finally signed my yearbook with something meaningful and yeah, I actually managed to stop the self-consciousness from within and converse with him in a relatively eloquent manner. Kind of, not really. But whatever. He gave it back to me in english, but I’m not going to read it until a week from now because I am too excited to read it. My expectations are too high at this point. I can imagine the stupidity that he’d write. Or the pretentious self-esteem boosting crap everyone writes in yearbooks. And vague compliments to your character, which includes the classic: “You’re the coolest person.”I actually got so fed up with this that I wrote something to myself in my yearbook. A very lengthy paragraph, too. The longest entry within the yearbook, but it’s all right. If you can have fun all by yourself, then the rest of life’s problems are solved.

I did get a glimpse of what he wrote, though, and it said something like, “Amanda, oh, what to say? You’re an amazing person.” That’s the furthest I got. When someone says that I’m am**ing, I tend to not buy it. And dude, he said am**ing. kthx. And gosh- I know I’m cool, that’s not the issue here. The question is: Can. You. Handle. It. (Yeah, I could not help it.)

… The thing is, I am trying so hard to keep the critical part of my brain active whenever I think about him because if I allow myself to be too illogical, I would have to punch myself. But sadly, there’s really not much I can do to prevent that, seeing as oxytocin can do tons to the brain.

Aw, and what can I say? This is going to keep me elated for days. This good mood of mine has not worn off, all because of him. Gosh, I wish I could have an effect on people in the way that he affects me. It makes me go all lksjad;flkjsadl;fkjsldkfj for days. But that’s only after I get all, OMGZ, after the first couple of hours. Wow. I am**e myself.

So, yeah, I completely wasted half an entry as well as half of my DAY obsessing over this. I need a life, clearly. But not really, because I’m completely fine with this. Y’know why?

BECAUSE I’M AM**ING!

But anyways, time to change the topic. Here’s why dinosaurs are extinct. Enjoy.

The things we do deserve the rightful names

… “Imagine we had canvas with the midnight cold, dig our fingers in and then we’d watch the snow. Maybe I need stronger meds. Don’t let those feelings in, I can’t get closer now.”

Today was pretty spectacular. It’s the best day I’ve had in a long while, I can say.

Well, kind of. Mary gave me a poem this morning, which was supposed to be complimentary, although it felt absolutely degrading. I know she didn’t mean it, so I won’t take it offensively. But of course, it was about the Debbie thing. Okay- I was mostly over it, until she reminded me of it. Thanks, really.

After school, there was a staff meeting so no one besides the teachers are allowed in the school. Melissa, her boyfriend, Grace, Cameron, and I walked down to the waterfront. It was really pleasant. It was lots of fun. We watched the water while Melissa’s boyfriend played his guitar. It was nothing short of wonderful, but you know how simplistic I can be. There were ducks on the water, oh- they were so adorable! They would jump up and dive into the water. So cute.

On the way back, Melissa bought everyone hot chocolate and we walked back to school.

There, Knowledge Bowl was established. We are having a competition soon.

I wore Courtnee’s jacket for the day because she let me borrow it this morning and never asked for it back. So yah.

But anyways. Despite everything else, I haven’t had a good day in a really long time, and gosh darn it, things are getting better. Not as slowly as I had expected, thankfully.

I spoke to Keisha today, who is dating Jeff. She was so full of happiness when I spoke to her. It was refreshing. She always seems happy and that she loves life so much, but today the fact was distinguished more so than other days.

This should be a night to be remembered

… “We’ll remember. You can be sure of that. I should feel like things are getting better, but I don’t. Why should be anything but strangers, in clothes that we don’t own? A thinking man said, ‘I could never be half as close to you, as you are to me.’”

Things started making sense today.

I love being happy for absolutely no reason. And for every reason, too, yeah. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can, indeed, be happy, even if all of my problems aren’t solved.

But anyways. It’s quite surprising how absolutely wonderful people can be. I guess I never thought of people being friendly, but people around school actually are. And that thought comforts me. Some skater dude came up to me and talked to me. I knew him in eighth grade and he rides my bus right now, but he accosted me without hesitation. That was a bit cool.

People are just getting nicer, I think. People compliment me more than they ever have. I prefer to attribute credence to people in this instance as opposed to, say, I’m getting better looking or I’m becoming more approachable, because that’s just not optimistic. That’s just egotistical. But I told Mary this and she said that I do not look insecure anymore and that it is easier for me to compliment me without sounding like they are trying to boost my self-esteem. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve ever looked insecure, but I guess I’d never know.

Randy can be a bit stupid most of the time. But every now and then, he has this really wise moment that actually helps. Kind of like Logan, only Logan’s not stupid all the time like Randy is. But anyways. I was discussing the whole Debbie thing about a week ago, and Randy was like, “Yeah, but is it worth it?” I have to say, that’s the most profound thing I’ve ever heard him say. But it got me thinking. Right now, it’s not worth it at all. I told him that, and he said that I shouldn’t worry about it, then. Gosh, it’s such a great thing that we don’t have classes together. But then again, if we had classes together, that would change the course of things altogether, and we might not be in this situation. Oh, Back to the Future, what could I do without you?

So things are coming together, you know. Things are getting better. Slowly, but surely, they are.

We keep expecting snow. They keep giving us these announcements foretelling a two-hour delay. But they do not tell us to just not show up on time the following day, so they send us to a website, where we anxiously await this message. Because seriously- I need so much sleep. But of course not, because the only time we ever have delays is when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS.

I was thinking about the probability of it snowing today last night, and I was pondering the thought of getting excited over it. I was getting all excited about it, but I kept thinking that if I were to get excited about it, it wouldn’t snow at all. That happened to pretty much any other optimistic thought that came into my head. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it does not matter at all if I think about this or not because it has no affect on the weather. That stopped me, yeah.

Uh, dude. Just.. Gross, okay. ‘Nuff said. I’m a bit skeptical of the article, but the comments are pretty funny, though. K, now there’s ’nuff said.

My next-door neighbor was featured in the newspaper this week. He’s not the best role model for anyone who has a healthy brain stem, and yet he’s featured in the newspaper. It’s quite sad how he’s the only person from our town featured in the newspaper, and how he’s going to be the epitome of whatever people think of our town. He represents our town now. Gross, too.

You kill me.

“You always know the perfect thing to say. I know what I should do, but I just can’t turn away. Though you’re just across the street, it looks a mile to my feet. I want to go to you. I pick up, put down the phone- like your favorite Heatmiser song goes. It’s just like being alone.”

Why do homies need to find me attractive lately? Six seven people like me right now. And of course it isn’t the person that I, er, dig right now. But whatever. It’s not like I’m going to act differently around these people, considering that if these people were herded into a room, it’d be considered a “small crowd.” Sure, I thought I was cool. It’s just weird knowing that other people think that, too. A lot.

… But that isn’t what’s up for debate right now. The question is: Can. They. Handle. It.

:D

But anyways. Back to this whole post-post rock phase I’m going through.

Yar, I identify all of the bad things I do with my physical body and the good stuff with my mental self. Duality, man. I wonder if this is universal. It may be, but people tend to overestimate the likelihood of these sorts of things, so probably not.

This experience of meeting new people isn’t as tiresome as I had expected for it to be. It’s getting a bit more fun. But soon enough, it will be tiresome, once I begin the process of building a friendship on top of this acquaintanceship. Which I have done far too many times to count, but I suppose that fact should not stop me from pursuing a friendship. I guess I just don’t want to get shut down again.

And so here’s my conclusion: I have no idea why things are the way they are with Debbie, and all of the explanations I came up with were created solely for the sake of making an explanation. I have no clue. So there. But really- I’ve lost all passion that was dedicated to restoring our friendship, so I’m done. And I’m fine with it. This reminds me, in some way, of the whole Blink scenario: they were a good band while they lasted, but if they were to end this hiatus of theirs and create another record, it wouldn’t have the same feeling that it did before their hiatus. The music wouldn’t be the same. It’s pretty sad, though, that it had to end like this. But now it’s her decisions, not mine. And dude- if she thinks that I was trying to blame everything on her, and I did everything I could to try and dissuade her and it still didn’t work, then I shouldn’t be blamed for that.

I might write about this again, but I don’t know. There’s not much to say anymore.

Don’t get comfortable

… “Don’t be sensible.”

The Festival of Trees was pretty cool, I guess. I received tons of compliments from the senior citizens that were also volunteering. It’s strange, how I’ve been complimented on every thing imaginable.

Riza and Angela were watching a flute performance that day, so when I was on my break, I called Riza and she came over and talked to me. That was neat, although it led to the inevitable “discovery” that Cody is socially retarded. He just proves it more and more. After Riza and Angela left, the ticket-greeting job was done and over with, so I had an hour to kill. Today’s my mother’s birthday so I bought her a present. Sure, it spent a good 8 3/4 out of my 10 dollars, but I won’t hold that against her.

Oh, and I had Jesus stuffed down my throat for a good half-hour because the Festival of Trees basically consisted of about ten vendors and the trees themselves, with ENTERTAINMENT. Yah. So these men were singing to me for half an hour. I wanted to punch myself so badly. Not to mention that my stomach was hurting and I could do nothing about it. And I had to go bathroom, which was something I could easily resolve, although I was too lazy to do it. So technically, three-quarters of the blame goes to the people who organized the Festival of Trees, and the rest is mine.

Oh, and the whole event wasn’t culturally literate at all, I have to say. I’m not sure if I was supposed to expect cultural diversity at this event, though.

My brain salutes you!

As does Turkules, from planet Turkulon. SuperNews is so am**ing. (If I have not said this before, I will no longer use the word am**ing. Never, ever again.)

Dick Cheney: Michael, look, Jesus had to die in order for there to be Easter, and these guys have to die in order for there to be Thanksgiving!

Michael Moore: That’s a horrible thing to say!

Dick Cheney: Am I wrong?

Indian chief: I can see that both of you are great chiefs, because you are fat, and only men of great influence can afford to eat as much as you obviously do. But you cannot change the course of history. For example, if you roll these dice and come up with a seven or eleven, I will double your money, but if you roll a two, three, or twelve, I will take your money.

Some indian woman: Honey, what are you doing?

Indian chief: Hey, have you seen those guns they have? They’re like magic killing sticks! We need an angle here, baby!

Aww, am**ing.

Anyways.

I forgot to set one of my clocks backwards in my room and I was freaking out over not being dressed for the festival of trees. I thought I would never make that mistake on THAT clock. But I guess I am too lazy to get up, walk three feet, and change the time on the clock and would prefer to change my entire mindset instead. This is the epitome of human existence.

Yar, I have a total of four things on my christmas list and my brother has about twenty. No, more than twenty. Because clearly, he has more time to waste than I do, and video games are the only things he can possibly think about. I have to say, his dreams must be the most uneventful ones imaginable. liek, omgz halo, yah!

I got started on my Amanda original letters for everyone for Christmas. I have Phar, Riza, Cody, Megan, Angela, Shelley, Mary, Cameron, and Amelia down. That’s only half of the people I have planned. I need to curtail this list of Holiday Happiness, though, because it’s going to stress me out so much. Don’t worry, every time I say something I’ve said in another letter, I punch myself and make myself write it again in a cooler way. Given this process, the first letter I write is going to be the worst letter, and the last one I write is going to be the best letter. This isn’t really fair, no. But they shouldn’t complain because I’m willing to go through, draft after draft, PAGE AFTER PAGE, to write for them. Not to mention the gift that will be enclosed. Not to mention that I’m wasting my life and could be doing my FST homework.

Oh, and concerning the people in my family and THEIR presents. I have no clue. Does this make me a bad person? Yah, it definitely does. OH BUT NO! I’ll make hats. Done, and done.

I’ve been reading Human Nature and Conduct by John Dewey. I bought this book at the thrift store, and it’s about seventy years old. I love it so far. I love the way he writes, especially the vocabulary he uses. I don’t know half of the words he uses- which makes it even more enjoyable. I love words. Another reason to love him- he’s a pragmatist.

I’m just going to say this because I’ve been tracking the process here for several weeks now. Yes, my hair is finally cut. Thank you, and G** bless.

And on that lovely note…
How could I have forgotten?

The last time I remembered

… “Thing were getting better.”

Jeebus, I’m getting used to this whole Pete Yorn stuff. It’s good god. Yar, “Shampoo,” is my favorite right now. Rock on, man, despite the ambiance in your music, man. :D

I’m getting started on those heart-warming notes for Christmas presents. I have about thirteen people to do this for, yeah. I’m fine with it since it’s early and I don’t have to tackle all of these head-on, but I think I’m going to get very redundant.

But anyways- I have some pretty cool ideas for Christmas presents, especially for teh Cody. He’s not an acquaintance anymore, yah. It’s just that we have plenty of things in common and it’s going to be really easy getting him a present.

The new tv is hooked up and everything, so the old tv is no longer. Except the new tv sounds like a radio to me. Hmm.

And by the way, instructables is quite cool. Even if I spent two hours there and only found one thing that I could make.

Gosh, I want to get out right now. Anywhere.

I’ve decided to try to get to know Phar a little better. I just don’t know how. I was thinking of asking her to hang out with me or something. But then again, she’d probably bring her boyfriend along and it would ruin any kind of get-to-know-you time. Yeah.

Trust me when I say, just a few more weeks

… “Don’t move. Resist temptation or do as you see fit- just choose. Stay away from me now. Unless you’re gonna see, gonna see me out. No, I can’t dance less it’s slow or sad, to a song that’s far less obvious. If you’re using me, do it slowly, make it last until I have to go. “

I feel so terrible for the ninety-five percent of Americans that are stuck indoors today because of all the traffic and absolute chaos when it comes to the general public after Thanksgiving.

So, I was on popurls today, and there was an article about why men are not as touchy-feely with their emotions- I thought it’d bring me to some Freudian theory. But no. It was some thing far worse. Not a new psychology study, not a freshly-baked theory thrust upon the voracious clinical psychology crowd. Dude- ASTROLOGY?! There is only one thing that can get me truly angry, and it’s ridiculous stuff like this. People actually believe this stuff. For some people, it is the premise of their being. Yet, it’s another example of the placebo effect, and they can’t even begin to comprehend that concept. And come on- astrology? The epitome of pseudoscience? I didn’t even read the entire article, because after I read the bold-faced letters, I knew it was my time to leave. But then again, I was turned off right after I saw the logo, describing it as a relationship help site. Generic websites like those normally yield no scientific evidence- it’s the virtual equivalent of Seventeen in comparison to, say, Scientific American.

WHY DO THIS TO ME whyyyy

*ahem* But anyways.

I started getting into the documentaries they are showing on CNBC. They show them every weekend or so, but gosh, I love them so far. I just watched one on Wal-mart. They portrayed Wal-Mart was in a surprisingly unforgiving way. They personally attacked some of the people who head the corporation, particularly the man who proposed the idea of expanding Wal-Mart stores outside of the US, who they described as an old, chain-smoking man. They said more, but I forgot. Either way- every person who was supporting Wal-Mart within that documentary looked like money-hungry, and thriving for power.

I was also surprised how anal Wal-Mart is when it comes to making money. They have monitors within the exporting station that checks how much room is in between each item, because there should be as little as possible. They also check weather reports because they know that if there’s a major storm or something, that people will, for example, buy more poptarts (They put a huge emphasis on the strawberry poptarts, which I found very funny.). So, they send out extra boxes of poptarts to wherever the storm is going to hit, all to make more money. It’s not as convincing as I write it, but it’s a documentary I think everyone should watch. It was very informative, and highlighted a bunch of problems I did not know existed. Great job, CNBC, for not making a documentary primarily about money and not making it boring.

I’ve been thinking alot about duality lately. When it comes down to it, I’m a huge supporter of it. I find the mind and the body to be two separate entities. Undoubtedly, there are major flaws within that observation, but there are plenty of flaws supporting a mind-body connection, too. I see the world too much as black-and-white for now so it’s really hard for me to imagine that there isn’t total submission to either component.

Disclaimer: I am an idiot. A young idiot. I have little to no confidence when it comes to this thing I’m going to write. It’s something to commit to memory, basically.

And here’s another dilemma I’ve been facing: despite the adherence to scientific process (excluding the psychodynamic field), can psychology be considered a valid science? Somehow, the Hawking paradox works here. It’s a confabulated success, but stay with me. Maybe it is pointless examining the human mind because of how complex humans are. I don’t know, I have other reasons as to why I doubt psychology as a scientific field, but they are rather half-baked, so I’m not going to say anything yet.

Aw, I really miss middle school. I know nothing stays the same, but these changes that are occurring are far too drastic for me.

Oh, and by the way- I’m getting some kind of illness. BUT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM DEFEATS ALL!
… So yeah, everyone hates me when I’m sick and I hate everyone when I’m sick. It works out. I do love Megan’s reaction when I told her this:
“Dear, god, you CANNOT possibly be sick. You really suck when you’re ill. Not to mention that I might get sick from you too, which would also suck because I’d hate everyone. So for an entire two weeks we’ll hate each other all because of this illness. Way to go, Amanda, way to go.”

I’m considering getting my own domain. For rlz this time. I’m not sure if I’d really do it, since this webpage is mostly for me. But the thing is, no one would ever type in, “ismsarebad” and expect something important. And of course, no one on this planet would use such an obscure Ferris Bueller allusion like this, haha. Oh, and not to mention the frustration people endure because of Movable Type. That’s one of the major reasons why I’m afraid to get my own domain. Aw, and I’m so technologically illiterate at this point, that I read at the term, “web host,” and drew a blank. I didn’t even know I had a web host. Or whatever. Usually, I can get with teh lingo, but I guess not anymore.

… Oh, and about that new tv. My brother and my dad are playing Halo on it, but since we haven’t put away our old television, I guess they’re watching football at the same time. But then again, these are the people who went to Sears when the power went out to watch football.

I married the madness that left me alone in the dark

… “Wrote her a letter, ‘I’ll shiver without you tonight,” I did everything right, I did everything I thought was right.”

Did Black Friday. I woke up at one twenty or so. Since one twenty, I’ve slept a total of one hour and ten minutes. So, essentially, I slept for about five hours last night? AND I’M STILL ROLLIN’!

But anyways, it was freaking freezing. Oh, and we got a huuuuuuge tv. I don’t understand why. But we now have one. Somehow, it reminds me of the whole barn scenario, even if I was there when we bought the tv, haha. But anyways. There wasn’t enough room for me in the car, given the tv, so I had to sit on top of the box. Yes, teh box. It was very awkward and uncomfortable. And it certainly made me feel loved, too.

My little brother is begging for a DS Lite. He already has a DS. Mind you, that’s the second DS that has been in this household, because the first one Andy received for Christmas last year. He decided that he didn’t like it, and gave it back to my father along with twenty dollars. Gosh- CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME.

But don’t get me wrong- he can always make me smile. Like this instance:

Andy: OMGZ I’m going to put my ornament next to Santa Claus!

Me: It’s not something to applaud necessarily, seeing as the ornament symbolizing Santa Claus has dreads.

Andy: He’s going gangster.

Me: Gangsters don’t have dreads.

*Andy picks up Santa Claus*

Andy: Yo.

So lame, haha.

Uh, but yeah. I think I’m going to not care and start digging Fall Out Boy again. I should give them another shot, since I loved their first couple of records. Oh, Honorable Mention, how I loved you so.

Anyways. Time for a subject change.

naive:
Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system; one who still tries to do things in an intuitive way, rather than the right way (in really good designs these coincide, but most designs aren’t “really good” in the appropriate sense). This trait is completely unrelated to general maturity or competence or even competence at any other specific program. It is a sad commentary on the primitive state of computing that the natural opposite of this term is often claimed to be “experienced user” but is really more like “cynical user”.

So, am I naive? My friends consider me to be naive, but then again, they equate naivety with innocence, which I think is irrelevant.

I tend to think of people as better than they actually are. It’s quite illogical for me to think this way, but I suppose it is just to comfort myself. Because, in the most reasonable sense, people have no reason to have one drop of goodness within them- just because we exist and have higher intelligence than other living organisms on this planet, it doesn’t have to mean that we are better than they are morally. And it’s not like goodness is quantifiable, either.

It troubles me to think that a person can inflict pain on another person for no apparent reason, mostly because I don’t do that myself. I don’t have any secrets; I try to remain as honest as I can with people, and for that reason, it’s hard for me to imagine a person with intentions that are not immediately apparent. That isn’t to say that I do not keep things from people, everyone does that, but I do not actively try to keep an aspect of myself or of my life hidden from people.
… And for that reason, I find myself somewhat naive.

The concept of rumination just weirds me out, yeah. Because when it comes down to it, I end up defining myself when I reflect on those things. But that’s the antithesis of whatever I try to accomplish when I ruminate, because when you start defining things, it ends defining what you should be, not how you are. And quite honestly, I’m a walking contradiction, so defining myself is quite difficult. That could be said about anyone, though.

Normally, I don’t care about how other people perceive me. When I started questioning my sexuality, one of the things that held me off of coming out to people was that Amanda shouldn’t be interested in people who happen to have an extra X chromosome. But I really am. All of my social connotations are equated with the term, Amanda, while the way I see myself or how I perceive things is how I see them. I suppose it makes sense, since reference to the third person implies a social context. I don’t know if that’s universal, though. I would hope that it is, but I cannot assure myself that.
Oh, Amanda is so cute and innocent. But in actuality, I’m just being myself, and I don’t see myself as cute or innocent. It’s amazing how far off-base people are when they first meet me. People often think that I’m extremely religious because of how I look and act, I suppose. Because of that, they wouldn’t dare question my sexual orientation. Oh, and most people find me to be extremely stupid when they meet me, too. But that’s only when I do not use every seventy-five cent word that comes to mind.

Dear god, I cry almost every time I watch this. I absolutely love My So-Called Life, despite the overwhelming angst. Unfortunate, though, that it lasted only twenty episodes. And that I watch them, on repeat, sometimes.

“Patience and time do more than strength or passion.” Jean De La Fontaine

Thanksgiving wasn’t entirely egregious. But I keep reminding myself after every half hour or so of how I couldn’t imagine how I ended up in this current situation, of course, outside of Thanksgiving.

I’m doing Black Friday tomorrow. Beginning at two in the morning. All that means is that I can buy some new earbuds at last, and wear my “new” coat. I haven’t worn this coat in public once since mom and dad bought it for me. No longer shall I wait. NO LONGER.

But anyways.
Amazing. Somehow, I only like people on the internet, because that is where you can weed out the stupid ones. Yeah, the stupid ones.

Oh, and my turkey was so great, that Calvin went A Christmas Story on it and ate part of it. Sadly, that was the only part that was really crunchy and good. Because of him, I’m not getting that part. I’m angry, indeed.

Uh, but yeah. I’m brainstorming Christmas ideas for my friends, which’ll be great fun to make. I love doing this stuff. The mix cds are going to be fun, too, because that’s the epitome of SUPER DUPER MAGICAL FANTASTIC ULTRA WISH TIME!

… Gosh, I love who I am, I just hate the things I do.

But whatever.

No one cares- so why should you?

“Run away because you’re all alone… And you’ll never know what could’ve been.”

Tom Delonge makes me want to punch myself. But of course not.

But anyways- happy Thanksgiving. Except, no one’s thanking me for cooking their dinner. Whatever. I have to say this is the best Thanksgiving ever, but sarcasm does not convey well over the internet.

Ignoring people is surprisingly easy.

Uh, currently in love with Band of Horses, yeah. And The Format, because every time I listen to them, they just get better and better. Jeebus, I love this band.

We have four days off. TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have to say, I have no plans besides doing the Festival of Trees. Darn it- why can’t Allie be here when I really need her? This happens every year. I don’t know, I mean, she’s seen me in every situation possible. There have been times when I couldn’t stand her and others were I missed her tons. So if there were a person who could understand whichever situation I’m in- she’d be it. God, I miss her so much.

So yeah. “At times like these, you’re half a world away!”

But anyways. Megan knows me very well, too. I absolutely love the extent at which she understands me.

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about this alot for the past couple of months, and I really like it. It’s really comforting to me, I guess. Because it’s exactly what I had thought after I heard that they were releasing a b-sides record. And it’s always the thing I think of first whenever I hear the term, “b-sides record.” It’s from this interview with Copeland, concerning their b-sides record, Dressed Up And In Line.:

“Talk to us about this b-sides record. A lot of people are worried it is going to be comprised of acoustic/alternate song versions that are already floating around the internet. Can we expect to hear some entirely new material?

Aaron: Yeah. We’re actually putting a lot of work into this thing. Not just a bunch of old bonus tracks. There are 2 or 3 songs from the In Motion Sessions and ESR sessions that never quite finished. They were songs that didn’t fit so we just stopped working on them ’til now. Plus, we’re picking our favorite EP tracks, bonus tracks, acoustic versions, and compilation songs. We’re going to go back to the original sessions and beef them up, remix, add some strings, add some vocals, replace some guitar sounds. Hopefully when we’re done this will be a really cool double-disc collection of recordings from the last 7 years that (fingers crossed) sounds like a cohesive record.

Bryan: I remember buying b-sides records when I was younger, and always thinking they seemed so haphazard. It always feels like it is just a group of songs that took 10 minutes to put together. We want this record to feel like more than that. I think it’s going be a cool way to be nostalgic and share what our journey has been like over the last 6 years or so with our fans.”

My mom might cut my hair today; I might fix up that other sweater I bought; I might make a jacket for myself out of this fabric I bought weeks ago; and I’ll get absorbed in a book to get away from myself, kthx.

You say you’ve got a headache and it won’t go away

… “But I’m part of that problem and you want me to stay. . . I’m a ball of emotion, you’re a half-open book, but I can’t read a thing, so it’s not looking good. But it can. You breathe so they can- all those men.”

Things are getting exponentially better. I guess. I fell asleep during first and second period today. My AP Psychology teacher is so suave. He comes in for three seconds, puts on a video and leaves because he has a meeting or something. I don’t blame him for it, I just find it a bit funny.

I’m volunteering for the Festival of Trees soon. It’s going to be fun because Riza’s there, yeah.
Oh, and by the way- he’s absolutely everywhere. And I love it more than you could imagine. But then again, Riza says that I’m really pathetic. But kinda, not really- because I actually told him how I feel. Sure, it was two years late but I done-did it.

I was watching Current the other day and this dude came on screen and he was talking about after shooting this movie in the wild, that people started to look really funny to him. He said something that I’ll probably remember for a while, it was along the lines of:

“When I came back to Hollywood, people just started to look funnier to me. Everything people did just seemed so impractical to me. This isn’t to say that I think people in Hollywood are superficial- people are people, but they just began to look very silly to me.”

I admit, I’ve called people, “superficial,” before, but the way he stated it made me question whether that is a valid qualifier. Quite honestly, it isn’t. People who supposedly lead superficial lives do not believe it is superficial because it’s not something one really works toward. So, technically, they are being true to themselves. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way, but I’m very glad that I did.

I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner once more this year for the family. I just hope that my mom doesn’t get all, “OMGZ, cook this and this and this and this.” and critique me. If I remember correctly- you have little to no aptitude for any kind of culinary art. Yeah.

All of the luck in the world this time around won’t change a thing tonight

…”I don’t know even myself this time around, given the weight of the times. . . Next time around I’ll leave all these clovers in the ground for you to find next time around.”

I’ll leave all these clovers buried in the ground for you to find next time around

Dear, god. I’m getting famous? Sort of? ALL FOR THE PYGMY MARMOSET, and no one wants to tell me why.

Oh, and by the way- I’d give you the world if I could, yeah. I don’t care what they say- I love you more than you’d ever know. And it’s possible at a young age like this. slkfjsldjf;lsdjf
For the first time in a very long time- I appreciate my amygdala, yeah, because I can blame all of my irrationality on it.

On the other hand- Riza and I may be dealing with the same thing, kind of, but we aren’t handling them in the same way at all. But at least we can be together and have fun and forget about all of the stuff surrounding our lives. It’s nice getting away from everything with her, although, I cannot shake the feeling that it’s somewhat unhealthy. But whatever- considering the “alternative” healing practices at our school, having people as an interval of relief is far healthier.

… Dear, god. Some homie was talking about how there was a plant along this trail he walked on the way home and how it looked like marijuana (or some weird cooking vessel) and he was going to smoke it after school. I don’t object to him using drugs- it’s something people do, regardless of its legal implications- but to smoke something that you don’t even know what it is… Smooth.

“Have you noticed, how people tend to build other people complete personalities in their heads, and when those other people can’t behave and act like that person they created, they get insulted and angry. Most of the time even I don’t know who I am, and when I don’t know it, it terrifies me that some other people think they do. It’s hard enough trying to be who I really am, without having to try to be someone else for someone else too!”

-Annika’s Diary.

Sleepdriving away.

Gosh, I couldn’t ever love you more. Or whatever. And, uh, your birthday is in less than two weeks. I was going to get you something- a book from the 1920s about golfing. It was pretty neat, but it looked really freaking old, and cost three times as much as my other books did. It was illustrated and everything.

Today was rather tragic, yeah. Riza’s boyfriend broke up with her on Saturday. I don’t know, but I couldn’t imagine how anyone could have possibly hurt her more. But in some ways, we’re going through the same things. Ultimately- this made me completely forget about the thing with Debbie. Which is quite nice. Because you know, she can be pretty mean when she wants to be.

“I’ll grow old, start acting my age, a brand new day, in a life that you hate.”

Or whatever.

Epiphany, man, epiphany. I mean, tons of people worked hard to make me happy today. Uh, yeah, I guess I lied earlier about completely forgetting about it. I don’t know, I guess I would prefer to spend my time with people who want me to be happy, than wasting time worrying about getting someone else angry for something I don’t fully comprehend.

But, uh, yeah- thank you, Grand Archives, for making my week.

Oh, and that wonderful homie who accosted me for the second time this year. Saying the same thing. BUT HE’S ALL NERVOUS WHEN HE DOES IT so I can hardly hear anything he says. It’s something along the lines of, “Hey, baby, wanna walk to class with me?” And I was just like, “Hello.” in that way that I always do it. He got a good laugh out of it and left.  I don’t even know this dude but he’s said this to me twice this year. Megan knows him, though, and has first period with him. Which I find extremely hilarious.

Aw, but anyways.

I’m absolutely drained.

Oh, and did I tell you? I’m allergic to my sleeping medication. So, for the past three weeks, I’ve been getting very little sleep, kthx.

… Despite my overconfidence and paradoxical self-consciousness, I don’t think I’m going to be A-OK for a while. But, uh, I guess that’s what she wanted.

Whatever. They had chocolate chip muffins at lunch. And whenever I think about my little brother, it just makes me giggle.

Aw, but yeah. I think I’ve discovered the secret to not falling apart. Having no emotional connection to anything. It’s surprisingly easy to remain jaded, no matter what.

And of course, I’ve met great people this year, anyways. Amy Rozier has english and spanish with me, and she’s been nothing but nice to me. Superfluously nice, actually. Gosh, she doesn’t mind going out of her way just to make someone happy. She’s such a mensch.

… The thing that gets me is, the probability of me knowing her and not knowing her is equal. This applies to anyone alive at this moment. It depresses me to think of all the wonderful people I haven’t met yet. And will never meet.

I had love, I had good love

…”With the nerve to throw it all away.”

Things were great. They really were. I was just too stupid to realize it. But that’s fine. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.
… And I think that is where I went wrong?

But if I take the time to think about it too much, I think it’ll just make me feel even worse. Another thing is, I’m exhausted from this. It just sucks that I tried so hard and she doesn’t seem to realize it. Aw, I’m going to miss having you around.

But you know, I’m going to be just fine. This is now an open memory, and with time, it’ll become a closed one. Despite all of the crying I’ve endured within these past couple of weeks only about this- I’m going to be fine. I have so much more to celebrate than that.

I sure wish I could act heartless and cold like you are. It’d make this so much easier to swallow. But I cannot allow myself to inflict pain upon someone else, or give myself the illusion that I am doing so, just because they’re doing the same to me. And yeah, I’m a bit afraid she’ll read this because for the first time in a really long time- someone will have a critical eye as to what I say and do from now on. Gosh, this sucks.

This’ll be a lesson. And since I’ll be dating soon, I’ll definitely need to learn it.

After writing this down, I feel better. I’ll be just fine, yeah. Even if this upcoming week is going to be absolute hell. But uh, what can I say? Now, I’ll have tons of free time. To ruminate, kthx.

Aw, I haven’t written in my diary for about a week. But I don’t want to, because of how emotional it has been. I’m tired of crying. Not just over this, but in general.

… And yet somehow, I just wish I could be in love with him for now than thinking about this. Oh, and it brings me to the realization that I am, indeed, socially retarded. I just keep messing things up with people lately, but it’s not like I’m going to go into that here. I’d rather have this entry pertain to only one huge problem in my life than being one huge HUGE entry that is just too emo to even be considered nominal.

But anyways. The PLAN was ridiculously easy- the easiest portion was the math portion, surprisingly. Oh, and a homie in front of me was cheating off of me. What an idiot. Why pay twelve dollars to take a test (which only tells you what you need to improve on) only to cheat? This test is only for self-evaluation, my friend. Cheating doesn’t really work here. And with those twelve dollars, you could have bought twelve chocolate-chip muffins at the student store. Shame on you, señor. Shaaaaaaaame.

I watched Garden State the other night when I was suffering from mild insomnia. It made me cry. It wasn’t an, “omgz, that movie was so sad/amazing/whatever,” it was like, “dear god, this actually pertains to me in every way possible.” It was a great movie, yeah, but it’s only because it built up over time. It was quite boring most of the time, but that’s why I watched it at two in the morning whilst awaiting for Teh Sandman.

All I know is that I need Riza right now. She’s going through the same stuff that I am right now, only on a more tragic scale. At least she’s finally doing something about it. But I can’t be with her right now, so I’ll just listen to AAR’s self-titled, because she was the reason why I bought it, five years ago.

There’s so much I want to say right now, but I don’t know where to begin. All of the things that have been happening to me as of late have forced me to reconsider my existence.

1. When it comes down to it, I can only explain my idea of what life is, as a filmstrip. With five frames, two blacked out, then one colored in, and the remaining blacked out, too. It makes things feel quite pointless because after this, there’s nothing left.
2. I am starting to lose my sense of self more and more. I guess this happens once a year, or something, but I feel no connection to my body.
3. I haven’t done everything I’ve wanted to do yet. And darn it, life’s freaking short. This is all I have.
4. Life is hard, but there’s nothing else to compare it to.

____

No, I give up. I have a right to feel angry, or doleful, or whatever- this deals with our friendship, k? I have every right to react to this the way I am.

But dude, all those promises I made before, at least I don’t have to live up to them anymore. Oh, and I don’t have to do nice things for you, just to be nice, anymore. So yeah, if that’s what you want, then you are dead to me.

God, last year was great. Stressful, but better than this.

Cut it out, don’t think about it.

“Some of them are thinking of you but they can’t be here.”

“All the technology is confused and unrecognizable, everything is magic, but lifeless.”
Profound, yeah. After you read it through, it’s quite inspiring. I like it. And the climax of this thing begins where you see the boat, it’s almost like seeing a movie and dramatic music starts playing. That was nice.

But anyways. I was watching The Final Cut the other night. It’s set in a future in which people have the option of having chips implanted in a person’s brain while they are still in the womb for the purpose of recording all of their experiences as they are alive, so they can be reviewed and used as a eulogy of sorts. The main character is this dude who is a Cutter, which is a person who interviews the dead person’s relatives and friends and such to bring together the eulogy by taking bits and pieces out of the entire movie of their life. It is advised for the parents to let their child know that they have this implant when they are 21, although, the main dude’s parents died before they could inform him that he has an implant. He finds out one way or another, and tries to figure out a way to disable it. This is a profound moment in the movie, but I suppose he did not want his cutter to see all the things he has?

But anyways, he finds a place where they give him a tattoo that disables the chip. This tattoo comes in installments, and he actually dies gets killed before the process is complete. Aw, I don’t want to give it all away, no. But seriously, I loved this movie. I especially loved how they stressed that this whole thing changed the society within the movie. There were people protesting these implants, which I greatly appreciated. I think I liked it so much only because I hadn’t expected that aspect of it.

It’s a very emotional movie- I feel like I should take something away from this. Even if it is a sci-fi film, I feel there’s something I’m supposed to learn from this. Maybe this was supposed to make me reevaluate how important memories are. Or maybe to accept that people are corrupt as a whole and it’s just another aspect of being human. Perhaps it is a wake up call? To gain perspective on our lives instead of having this myopic view?

… I don’t know. I’m trying to find a deeper theme besides, “The things you do suck now, so get your act together.”

Please don’t describe the way it feels to you

… “The way it feels, in other words. Some things we push away, the thoughts of you without me… I’ll catch you the next time you fall, only if you promise that you’ll call me again.”

The thing of it is, I suck at this friendship thing. I always have been. At most, I could maintain one friendship at a time, and those friendships weren’t particularly extracurricular, either. And whenever we would hit a rough patch, I would not be able to handle it and I would end the friendship as quickly as I could. Decidedly, I’ve always regretted it. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for it, yeah. Which is why I’m trying so hard to motivate myself to keep going with this, as much as I want it to end.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Whenever I’m around you, I would rather be with someone else. But whenever you’re not around, I occasionally think of how we could get together sometime, yeah. So, I’m around you and it’s exhausting. It’s impossible to keep up a conversation with you without dominating it altogether.

Everyone’s telling me to make you miss me and stop trying to palliate the situation. Just so you could be all like, “OMGZ, Amanda!” again. Somehow, I don’t think that fixes the problem. Whatever the problem may be.

Is this a transition or a denouement?

The essence of this ordeal is that you’re not treating me the way you used to. I guess before you took the time to talk to me or make me feel special. That isn’t the foundation of our friendship, mind you, but it feels like you’re not trying. If you are having a problem with me- then say so. If you noticed that I was angry at you- then ask me why. I would hope that we can be that open with each other, because you certainly know that I will let you know if something’s up.

… I really wish we could just forget about the last three months so we’d be friends like we were during the summer.

So, uh, should I be worried about our current state? Is this temporary? How do you feel about this?

This morning, I was trying to draw a little toothpaste-for-dinner man exclaiming, “Hamster! I love you!” And then you got angry at me. So there.

And now the wind, it hits our sleeves

…”It’s freezing we got colder, older, we got older.”

I was watching this documentary about the trafficking of females in China. This documentary exposed a problem I didn’t know existed- because of the values of people who are of the Chinese culture, being a young bachelor is not acceptable. The worst part is, China is experiencing much of what happened in Europe during the Victorian era; there are simply not enough women to go around. Because of this, men are kidnapping women (although, it’s mostly young girls) and prostituting them.

This really displays how objectified these women are. They are only valued because they are potential wives, which will enable them to have children (BUT GOD FORBID it’ll be a girl, no. It must be a guy.) Despite that, though, women are still being portrayed as sex objects more than potential wives. This isn’t region-specific, though. Lately, Dubai and Thailand have been dealing with the human trafficking issues as well.

Another thing that I have been thinking about is this. The acknowledgment of regimes like this makes me feel uneasy. Lately, governments have been limiting the freedoms journalists have. In fact, there was a radio station in Nepal that was airing information about topics the government found controversial, so the government threatened the station to either shut down or air only music. I absolutely love what these people did- instead of shutting down altogether, they sang their broadcast. askljflaskjf;lsak absolute love for these people.

It’s a glorious day

… “And my lonely heart is tired again, I would starve for your attention. Ever since you went away, I miss you more every day.”

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m pretty angry at you right now.

Debbie ftl! :
I realized that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
How so? I didn’t think I made it glaringly obvious until now

Debbie ftl!:
You’ve just been avoiding me lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you care, or do you just want to stop this friendship thing?

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Because the only reason why I’m angry is because I don’t feel like you care about me

Debbie ftl!:
Of course I care, and I’m not a person who justs ends friendships like that.

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t see why you got to that conclusion.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I don’t know, it’s just that things haven’t been like they were before

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I keep thinking that you don’t want me around or I’m annoying you or something

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, no.

Debbie ftl!:
I just have a lot of things going on with me right now.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So you don’t hate me or anything and you want to stay friends

Debbie ftl!:
Basically…but if you don’t want to be friends, then that’s your decision…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again. :
Of course I want to stay friends with you. I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while that you care, yeah.

Debbie ftl!:
Alright, but I’m not really good at that…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
but you were before

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, well I haven’t been feeling so great lately.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Why not?

Debbie ftl!:
I don’t know.

Debbie ftl!:
Because I suck.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
I’m waiting for you to elaborate further, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to happen

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
So this means I can see you in the mornings again and instant message you freely now

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
:D

Debbie ftl!:
Yea, I guess, they’re your decisions, not mine.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
When you say things like that, it feels like you don’t want me around

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
That’s the point

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Do you want me to hang around you anymore?

Debbie ftl!:
Yea…

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.:
Okay.

________

So, I guess things are fine with us. I don’t know. I still feel a bit uneasy but I’m hoping things are going to get better. For some reason, even if that’s what I said before, I don’t feel like I said the entire truth. No, I know exactly why I didn’t tell her the entire truth. But I will still stand by what I said earlier, during the summer:

“I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.”

I suppose the idea that I can inflict emotional pain on another person surprises me. I’ve always found that ability absolutely impractical so I’ve never made a point to use it. I’ve always tried so hard to keep myself from hurting other people. It’s not that I’m a people-pleaser, I suppose I like to stay neutral with everyone. Absolutely indifferent, yeah.

But lately, especially with Debbie, I haven’t been trying to remain indifferent. Quite the contrary. Shelley and Mary were talking to me about how Debbie is growing up and how she’s growing out of me our friendship. It’s so weird knowing that you, or your relationship with someone, can be considered a phase. Temporary, secondary, far from essential and some kind of “natural selection,” figuratively speaking, of course.

Mary and Shelley also told me that I am the physical manifestation of beauty? They were quite serious about it, too. It’s a huge compliment, I will not deny that. To state it frankly- I’ve never taken the time to think about whether I think I am attractive or not. It’s a sad thing, yeah, but I’ve always remained neutral when it comes to those things. I find it very pointless to do so. I dislike how physical beauty is not something that is deserved; it’s something that you are given. Like a dog or a waffle maker. And yet, it ultimately determines how likely one will be to pass on their genes- as sad as it is, that is how we’ve evolved to see whether a person is compatible to be with and if we can achieve genetic diversity with that person. I dislike how much value we place on physical beauty, because it’s not something one can help or detract.

With me, even if I may be physically attractive, I do not value it that much. I do not work to accentuate my physical attributes. My intellect is the thing I truly value about myself, and that is something I can help. I can always learn more things and gain new perspectives on life. Despite the “technological” advances we have reached to change the way we are, I don’t think I will embrace those as much as I do with intellectual change. I will not say that I hate how attractive I supposedly am, because without it, I probably would not be so lucky as I am now socially. I know how shallow that sounds, but that is how people are. This is how we’ve evolved to be- that’s another thing we cannot help.

And so, people love me. Three people, yeah. It’s a bit weird for me to realize because I like who I am, but I didn’t think other people saw it, too. Not to mention that:

a.) One of them just keeps annoying me and pushes themselves on me. I mean, really- I’m not touchy-feely in the first place, and she’s all over me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand her, either, but I won’t go there for now.

b.) Yah, the other one has a boyfriend. She’s not one that I have to worry about.

c.) I’m not sure if this one’s serious. Actually, no, she’s very serious.

I don’t dig any of these people back. I wish one of them would just leave me alone but that won’t happen since I’ve known her for too long. The thing I hate, though, is that she is just being this way now because she knows that I can dig girls. I dig girls, but not her. I don’t think I ever will like her in that way, because she annoys me so much.

I carried the world just as far as I could

…”But the damage was taking its toll. You used to call my name every hour of every day, how I lived to hear that sound, but every sound gets washed away, we washed away.”

I guess I should begin letting go of Debbie, yeah. I guess this friendship isn’t working, I don’t know. But Mary told me not to think about it too much, because it’ll only get worse. Mary is an expert in this field- she’s mostly logical (except for the whole OMGZ astrology thing. But I won’t hold that against her entirely.) So, I’m just not going to talk to Debbie. Or anything. Who would’ve thunk it?

Gosh, nobody’s getting along anymore.

I’m going to a party later on tonight, hopefully it’ll get me into a good mood. I miss everyone so much.

Except for the fact that my brother is coming with me to play with her brother, yeah.

… The sad thing is, it’s already eaten away at my soul so much. But I think that’s in combination with the absolute not-love I’ve been receiving lately. Somehow, it only feels like Megan and Shelley care about me.

The other day, I was talking to Christina Pung in english. We were talking about Allie and somehow, she said that Allie isn’t really popular and the only thing people value about her is that she’s rich. I had the impulse to defend her or to somehow lessen the intensity of her statement, but for some reason, I thought to myself that we aren’t friends anymore and I don’t need to do that anymore. You know, fake things like that.

Oh, things are only getting worse. And I’m getting quite tired of trying to remain sanguine because it only works in the most topical way. I don’t want to have to do that anymore, because acting like you’re happy or telling yourself that your current circumstance is not as bad as it seems, only obscures the real problems and provide no solutions. It’s so much more energy wasted, yah? It’s almost as bad as not acknowledging it at all.

Oh, I’m reading my old comments from my friends. When, you know, we got along. Or when they thought I was worthy, or whatever.

… I care what Mary says, but really, I feel absolutely terrible about this. She says I did nothing wrong and I should not worry about it. But I cannot help but think about it and hope she comes around. I realize there are other, more important people in my life than her, but you know, I never thought this would happen with us. And this entire thing is eating away at my soul. And right now, I’m very angry at her for doing this to me. I’ve done nothing but try to be the best friend I can be to her and this happens. I don’t deserve this at all.

Gosh darn it, now I feel a bit empowered. I could kick a puppy right now.

Why does she have to be so frustrating?!