Dear god, it’s Halloween.

I’ll be the first person to say that modern-day Halloween practices are incredibly vain. When Halloween originated, it had merit. Nowadays, it’s just another day to… Dress differently? Oh, and receive candy. But that’s a bit pointless, too, because you can do that any other day around here. Oh, and it’s not free.

Spring keeps you ever close

… “Your secondhand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins, holding onto yourself the best you can. You’re the smell before rain. You’re the blood in my veins. I wrote a song, I wrote a song for you, and all the things that you do.”

Gosh, I’m pretty satisfied with myself right now. I really should not have worried so much. In actuality, it was one of the best things I have done in my life. Oh, I couldn’t ever love you more!

Yesterday, I was somewhat embarrassed in front of my class when my english teacher proceeded to overwhelm me with compliments on my first essay. He said something along the lines of, “This is the best essay I’ve read in a while… I’ve read it four times… Your style/language/etc is intellectual… Your AP teacher is going to cherish having you as a student…”

This essay was an in-class one, mind you. This essay, before I got feedback, made me question my abilities as a writer because I felt I did that terribly. Honestly, I have no clue as to what he saw as terrific in this essay. It leaves my mind a bit boggled, yes.

But anyways.

Dear you:

You know, I do not quite understand why I was so caught up on the fact that you don’t love me that way. Or whatever. But now I’m fine. I shouldn’t be thinking about the things that we are not, and should be focusing on the things that we are. I’m lucky I even know you this closely. You’re exactly the kind of person that I want around. And even if you don’t pay as much attention to me as you used to, I guess that’s fine. I should talk to you more about our friendship and how you treat me, though. Just don’t forget about me!

Even if I’m a bit behind, this is just plain neat! I guess I’m just a nerd, but that’s the coolest science news I’ve heard today. It made my heart jump, yeah. And it made me squeal.

And if you ever really thought about it

… “You’d know that I couldn’t hate you.”

Dear you:

I am so incredibly tired of myself and I’m tired of you. I’ve been lying to you so much lately. But I have to admit- I was the happiest that I could have ever been that night, yeah. In other words, all those compliments I gave you throughout the night, I actually meant. Why do we have to be so stupid and forget about taking pictures?! But I am willing to forget about it if it makes you feel better because the last thing you need to worry about is me. I don’t want to sound like her. I should be in love with him, though, and that’s what I’m working towards. I really need to stop talking to you.

I will completely forget about this if he ever comes around, yeah. Because he is exactly what I’ve needed- and not you. Maybe you’re just a distraction, I don’t know.

Just don’t forget it, though. I have never been happier around anyone else, so maybe I should tell you that sometime. Probably not.

Last night, I fell in love without you.

… “The stars at night are as big and bright as you make them out to be! And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love, and only time will tell by the usual swell in memory of what we used to call in love- we used to call it love!”

I will be the first to admit that homework has been put on hold for the next couple of weeks. D:

Er, I spent thirty dollars on yarn and I still need to buy more. I suck.

I have a new obsession with these darned comics. They ruin my life.

Anyways, I’m absolutely in love and it’s only going to get worse, yeah. And I still sound like a total idiot whenever he’s around, but it’s okay since he understands? I hate being this young. I don’t know where I stand, quite honestly, but I’m trying as hard as I can not to sink back into the state of despair, teeny-bopperness and literary references. It’s a bit difficult to remain sanguine while also being so darned unsure.

… All thanks to you. The closer I get to you, the farther I feel from me.

Other than that, life is pretty existential. Little to no change occurs within it, and one feels like they are feeding the machine, and that is all. Existentialism is natural, though, because there isn’t a meaning at all- I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Just because I exist, there doesn’t have to be meaning behind it.
Oh, and I’ve managed to get into The Epic of Gilgamesh with no outside help. It’s easy to analyze once you get the point- at first, I felt this “literary masterpiece” could not be assigned a correlation coefficient when it came to the plot line, but it turns out that it does, indeed! So, Gilgamesh is this king who is two-thirds man and one-third god, but he misuses his power at the beginning and the people who he rules over no longer like him (mainly because Gilgamesh has the power to have his way with every new wife on their wedding night. Yah. He’s a jerk.) These people decide to contact the gods so they can try and solve the problem, and this is where Enkidu comes in. They created Enkidu so he could defeat Gilgamesh, but ironically, they end up becoming friends. The gods get angry at both of them and decide that one of them needs to die. They decide to kill Enkidu. Afterwards, they have this huge ceremony celebrating him (which is the most boring part of the book… IT TAKES UP AN ENTIRE TABLET!)

Enkidu’s death brings Gilgamesh to the realization that he could die, too, which motivates him to find the secret to immortality. In which case, he goes up to the mountains and tries to find a plant that will make him immortal…

And that’s where I got. I have some more to read, even if I was supposed to read it last weekend.. D: But the point is, I am interested in it now.

The thing that got me was, why did the gods decide to kill Enkidu and not Gilgamesh? Why not both?

1. Gilgamesh is worse morally than Enkidu, therefore, he should’ve been killed.

- But, the gods are pretty darned selfish, and because Enkidu didn’t carry out what they created him to do, he deserved to die instead?

2. Gilgamesh is not as stable or mature emotionally than Enkidu, so he would not have been able to face his own mortality or his friend’s mortality.

And so, what was the theme of this story?

Most of my classmates said friendship, but I think it’s the opposite. I think it’s about self preservation and on mortality. The term, “Danse Macabre,” comes to mind.

ENOUGH ON THE ANALYSIS,

time to get some hydrogen and oxygen compounds. Peace.

No, now my life is complete

The official 24 trailer for season seven is out. And you know, I’m really great at this.

Yah. I saw this coming.

Oh, life is good when Tony Almeida is alive. :D

Just cover what you can

… “And the rest will wash out like a bloodstain.”

This past week has been really eventful, yeah.

Last Thursday, I was crying during math and Keisha, Dakota, and Logan were trying to palliate the situation. They were so incredibly nice, although, I do not understand why Dakota even cared. I’ve never spoken to her. Keisha and Logan’s sympathy were justified since they’ve known me for a while, even if it was completely unexpected. But, of course, Logan helping me out made me feel that much worse at the time. After school, the diversity meeting let out and I was wandering around the school to waste time because I had to wait for my mother, and Logan, Keisha, and Jeff were hanging around the school for some reason. They kind of ambushed me. Keisha was talking about how she was just thinking about me, etc. That whole day was just a bit weird because it’s so hard to believe that people can suddenly care about you without much provocation.

Last Friday, Logan talked to me. About that. And he said that he would actually date me. But he has virtually no free time right now and he thinks he’d be a bad boyfriend because of that. I’m not sure what that was supposed to mean, but he was really sweet about it. He said more- lots more- but I’ve said this so often, I wouldn’t get much of a thrill writing about it here.

/He’s not as much of a jerk as I thought he was. Thankfully, because I was really starting to regret what I had done.

That same day, my uncle was in town for a seminar so we ate dinner with him. It took forever to get to the restaurant, but in the end, all was well. We left home at around five and came back at around eleven or so.

Saturday was homecoming, which was proceeded by a day with Debbie and then getting ready at Lorren’s house with Lorren, Teagan, and Katie Klions. I left my shoes at Lorren’s house, and she’s gone for a week, so I’m getting my shoes back next week. The dance was fun, Debbie wore a tux. We hung out for a while and were making fun of people. The way people danced was absolutely disgusting, so Debbie and I didn’t dance at all.  It was still pretty fun, though.

… The whole Logan thing took me completely by surprise. There hasn’t been a person yet who has done something so wonderfully nice and unexpected for me like he did, yeah. It may be an overstatement, but it meant alot to me that he took the time to actually come over and discuss it with me. It’s so weird how people just do things like that.

This week, on the other hand, has not that worthy of a paragraph. Actually, yeah, something did happen, but I’m not going to elaborate further. Let’s just say that I’m an impulsive idiot when I’m on Benedryl. But, I won’t bring that up ever again, yeah.

Oh, and about the Benedryl. I’m allergic to something. I just don’t know what it is since I haven’t used any new products within the last five years. I’m that boring. But that makes this allergy hunt even harder to fulfill.

omgz gilgamesh says:
I’m writing a blog entry but I can only write about this past weekend since nothing else that eventful has happened this week
omgz gilgamesh says:
and I kind of forgot what happened this weekend except for the fact that Logan talked to me and I went to see my uncle and homecoming
Debbie is a fatty. says:
Haha.
Debbie is a fatty. says:
Way to go. :3
omgz gilgamesh says:
Uh, it’d be more than you could say!
omgz gilgamesh says:
You’d just be like, “my week was lame.”
Debbie is a fatty. says:
Damn, owned.
omgz gilgamesh says:
Yah!

There, now I’m a teenager. I have finally obtained an instant messaging service, although, Debbie is the only person on the buddy list. But whatever, I’m liberated!

We are reading The Epic of Gilgamesh in english. I’m not sure whether I preferred this book over Giants of the Earth, but seeing as the first book was created by primitive man and centralizes around sex and violence, and the latter centralized around religion and the Westward Expansion… I would rather pierce my eyelids with a needle, yeah. So, what was I saying?

I have little else to discuss. Tomorrow, I am volunteering with Debbie for this Fall Festival at my old elementary school. Jeebus, I’ve been doing lots of stuff with Debbie lately, haha. Not entirely sure if I should bump her up to “Best Friend” status, as of late, haha. But, I bet if you were to search for her name on this blog, you’d get tons of results.

Until next we meet.

I placed you on a windowsill

… “Cut my tears up and down the door.. Can we please take this hour and talk about me?”

PSAT was so easy, although I was really anxious about it, I think I did well. I did appreciate the most inspiring message a person has ever given me, although it was from my proctor, it was helpful nonetheless:

“If you become ill during this test, then if you want, you can give me your test booklet and I will destroy it for you. If you do not request this, then we will send in your answers as you wrote them, and they will be scored.”

… My soul just died right there, yeah. My poor, poor, sophomore soul.

Can you imagine all of those hapless students, who fall ill during tests and have the token of their illness scored, all because they didn’t ask the proctor to destroy their test? All the lives that have been ruined because of this simple virus/fetus? Why must the world be this cruel?

Oh, anything at all.

Oh, everything’s gone wrong.

I’m so sick of this. I’m not sure whether I am reprehensible or if he is. But either way- I feel extremely hurt right now.

Last week, I woke up with the realization that nothing had changed within the last two years, and I had the most sickening feeling in my stomach just knowing that I hadn’t done anything. And then I did. I suppose this is the only way I can get over it. The difference is, he was, and “is,” ideal to me. If I knew a week ago that nothing would have changed at all, good or bad, I would not have done anything. This whole thing has been so pointless.

… How can he expect me to be that naive?

PSAT is today, and I’m pretty darned scared. Even if it doesn’t count, I’m still pretty stressed out. In combination with the other thing, I really did not get enough sleep last night.

Oh, everything’s gone wrong.

Distance dilutes rewrites and rewrites

… I had absolutely nothing to fear yesterday. He didn’t even look at me.

So, there’s nothing else I can do. I officially give up.

The sad thing is, that letter wasn’t even the entire truth.

You know you’re cool when…

… You eat fried chicken AND Fruity Pebbles in the same morning. Yah.

Despite my overconfidence, I’m scared to death as to what today’s prospects are.

And you remind me, I’m the one to blame.

… “I’m fighting myself to get you out of my head.”

Things started making sense today. Even if I am so behind on my dress for homecoming. But that’s totally what tomorrow is for. :D

I was thinking about the practice of men who ask the father of their significant other for permission to marry today. That last sentence was terribly constructed, yeah. Isn’t the whole practice a bit degrading? It dates back to when the daughters were more or less traded off to another family. So, basically, the whole practice is centered around objectifying females- the men are asking whether they are allowed to hold onto the father’s property, right?

I don’t think these birth control meds are working. Thank Jeebus that I’m… not having sex.

I need to make my dress for homecoming badly, and I cannot- for the life of me- figure out how to make the dress I want! -dies-

… It’ll look a little like this.

Only with godets and not pleats. :D Hopefully?

I’d die for the black sunshine in her smile

… ” I’m saving dreams for the comas in her eyes, I exist in the romance of regret and the sounds of breaking hearts. I twist and laugh, lost in her arms like the crashing of cars.”

Jeebus, E For Explosion is wonderful.

I am really exhausted. So, I’m going to post a summary of yesterday, but it’s totally an e-mail I sent to Debbie because I am tired of writing. Enjoy.

Jeebus, yesterday was so big! I got to the bus three minutes before it was supposed to leave… D: But Katelynn and I talked the whole way there, which was cool. We didn’t really talk on the way back because I was doing cryptograms, haha. Kentlake was actually a really beautiful school! I thought Kent would be really ghetto, but it was actually very far from it. We thought we could choose which breakout sessions we could go to, but they actually assigned them to us via nametags. But, they forgot to make my nametag so I got to choose which sessions I wanted to go to, so I ended up going to the sessions Katelynn went to. Even if they totally messed up her name as “Katlyn Ward Koemen.” We had a continental breakfast, and later we had lunch, and I have to say that I was thoroughly disappointed. We were told that it was sponsored by a culinary arts school around Kent, but the only things we got were packaged foods that reeked of Costco. Afterwards, we did an icebreaker x.x then we went into the gym and some dudes played tahiti drums for us. Then we were talked to for about an hour. But halfway through, we had another icebreaker! Which was, unfortunately, freeze tag. Laaaaaaaame. Then we started doing our breakout sessions. Katelynn and I were totally confused as to why they labeled the summit a diversity summit because the breakout sessions we were assigned to were:
1. “College Stuff.”
2. “Positive Leaders, Positive Choices.”
3. “Community Services.”

I cannot quite put together what the first one had to do with diversity. The second one does, a bit. And the third one, I have no clue at all, but ironically, it was the only one that we learned anything about diversity. But it was mostly about helping people.
And then we ate lunch and watched a play called “Witness,” which was an anti-bullying thing in it. Then we went to the ACTION PLANNING! room for an hour to talk about the changes we’d make in the school. Everyone was really focused and had great ideas, which was wonderful. If only they did not seriously consider my ideas for religious diversity because they were afraid of the other parents complaining about their kids learning about Islam. I almost punched myself. Isn’t that the point of diversity- to open people’s minds to other things? >:O
And then we went home and I went over to Riza’s house for a while because she was having a birthday dinner at this casino in Poulsbo. We waited for an hour to get our food. And I got home at nine thirty. D:

I live in notes and photographs

… “And everything I’m holding back, like all the words that weren’t enough, you remind me of a song I used to love.”

If I have done anything stupid before in my life, they no longer count.

I just admitted to the only person that I’ll ever love… Yah, you can see where this is going. I am really surprised as to how relieved I actually feel. I don’t really care about it, actually. I’m just curious as to what is going to occur next. I’m not that ashamed of myself for it, and quite honestly, I only feel bad when other people tell me that I did a stupid thing. And I throw the idea out later.

But yes, I did not manage to sound like an obsessed freak, or at least, I hope not. I conveyed my ideas well and somewhat clearly, although the structure was more or less muddled since I hadn’t thought it through that much. But sometimes, the only road to recovery progress is through spontaneity. I’ve come to expect that I shouldn’t have to wait until I am absolutely certain about something in order to take action. And, this is the only life I have to live? I just hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship, or acquaintance-ship, or whatever social bond we have.  But it’s not like I would be losing much, anyways.

And, of course, as a result of this, I can be honest with myself instead of trying to cover things up. I’m getting prepared for rejection without even crying, so I think life’s going to be getting alot better from now on. Maybe I really can get over him? yah!

… Because you’re his cheeseburger, his yummy cheeseburger, he’ll wait for you, yah! He’ll wait for you, oh! :D Veggietales make me feel less alone?

Everybody else in the universe gets some, except for Amanda. D:

You’re living to die

… “And I’m dying to live.”

Yesterday, we talked and he walked by and smelled just like Debbie. I suppose the mixture of comfort and absolute uncertainty made me feel a bit emotional? I started crying. Whilst in the stage of being a teenager, every other experience feels like the end-all, be-all of human existence.

The PSAT signups for sophomores is this week and I’m not sure whether I should take it or not. It’s intended for juniors to take, anyways, so I’m thinking of just waiting until next year. Even if I’m ahead of my class by 654,989,843x.

We had an in-class essay in english yesterday, which I pretty much failed at since I thought we were going to work on a final draft today. So, my revised/edited essay is in some form that is incoherent to anyone other than myself, and that’s what I’m getting graded on! I have arrows all over the place, sentences that I was thinking of in the margins and crossed out, and then sentences that should be in my essay with arrows pointing to where it should go… Total fail, since it’s so incredibly messy.

Yay, two hour bus drive tomorrow with Katelynn! :D

Oh, and who thinks writing love letters is juvenile? I totally do, even if people are wanting me to jump off that bridge. *shudder*

Happy International Cephalopod Awareness Day!

Why, today?

… It’s the 8th of October! :D

We’re not alone, just lonely all the time.

… “Are we ever going to get it right? Are we ever going to start making sense and stop pretending that we care?”

I’m making Riza a crocheted amigurimi bear for her birthday, which is next week. I am not an expert at crochet at all. I suck at crocheting- I’m most definitely a knitter. But, this thing is going surprisingly well! The arms just look a bit… anabolic as of late, so I’m going to need to fix that? D: Anyways, I crocheted for a few hours last night and all I have left is doing one arm, and the legs. Very quick and easy!

I’m also thinking of making this for her. She loves cutesy stuff like this, as impractical as it may be, haha. I also need to think of Christmas winter solstice presents to make for people, too, which is a bit stressful, but it can be done!

Mom and dad are pressuring me into making my Christmas winter solstice present list. I really desire a serger. Okay, I do not desire one, I need one. My sewing machine now is the absolute dreg of sewing machines- it meets my most basic needs (straight stitch/zigzag) but other than that, it does nothing for me. It may have a buttonhole stitch on it, but every time I use it, I end up wrecking the fabric because it is so overzealous. It is impossible! to sew any kind of jersey fabric; I’ve never sewn spandex or anything stretchier than jersey on my sewing machine, but I dread the day when I am forced to!

… Ironic, how Santa Claus and Jeebus are so interrelated!

Er, I’m dying to find the alternate version of When Paula Sparks by Copeland. I deleted it off of my computer a few months ago when I hated the song, but now I love it, unfortunately. So, help a brother sister out?

Jeebus, I love this scratch-out effect. Thanks, wordpress!

I’m looking forward to making this fettuccine with asparagus and mushroom recipe. Little did I know, Epicurious is a show, too! -embarrassed-

Okay, so something not crafty.

My life has been going at such a fast rate right now. It’s very nice, actually. I love being busy and having things to look forward to. Speaking of it, this dude from Ashworth University asked to syndicate some of my blog entries than pertain to psychology onto this other blog for older students. I haven’t even graduated and something like this happens?! It’s a pretty big deal, I think, just because it proves something about the way I write. Maybe?

And the whole diversity thing is pretty big to me, too, it’s all I can think about, because I haven’t done anything like this before. Katelynn got a chemical burn from some chlorine at the pool and she was gone, I hope she gets better. I heard that the burn is pretty severe- they had to call urgent care at the swim meet. She can’t put clothes over the burn because it’s so sensitive. She really wanted to do the diversity thing, too, I hope she gets well enough to go!

So, I guess this is what people mean when they talk about, you know, “life.”

… If only my SCs truly looked like SCs. They look too knitter-ly. Too, loose? They aren’t chunky! I broke crochet!

… I don’t care, I just want to make something as cute as this!

I’m sick of the bends.

… “I can’t compete with all your damn ideas. I suffocate until the end. She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear, she motions outside.”

Debbie’s so amazing. She really does not give herself enough credit for it. Admittedly, she does have flaws, she’s not that super-human, but she’s still really great. I felt terrible earlier today, but then I realized that I’d be seeing Debbie after school and it made me happier!

… Jeebus, we were falling all over the place today. :D It was memorable, indeed. Even if it totally proves that Debbie hates being my partner (because she dropped me… D:)

laskjflsdjf he smiled at me omgz. *roll eyes* Darn it, amygdala!

I watched the newest adaptation of Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke played as Pip some dude named Finnegan? I hate it when they change the names of the people in the movie. If you want to base it off the movie, at least make it recognizable other than the title. All-in-all, it was a nice movie. A wonderful modern interpretation of the book, although I wish they emphasized Miss Havisham’s Ms. Dinsmoor’s role on Pip’s Finnegan’s life. (Jeebus, using these new names is terrible.) They absolutely cut out the whole Estella-being-abused-by-her-husband (and him dying because his horse hated him) thing, as well as her birth parents, AND Pip’s birth parents… alskjdfoiwjer They cut out the elaborate parts of the book, and kept the more shallow sexual scenes. That, I disliked. I valued Great Expectations because of its intricacy, it’s what kept me interested. So much so, that three years after reading it, I remember! Even if it was a decent movie, I really think it could’ve been better.

Riza’s birthday is next week and I have to make her a present. D:

I’m going to that diversity thing next Friday. We have to be at school at six thirty, and we get at our destination at eight! It’s really far away, but they’re serving us breakfast so it’s okay? AND lunch? I’m getting back home at around four, haha. School ends two hours earlier than that/I can’t go to swing club. D: Hopefully, I will be able to go; only nine students are allowed to go on the field trip.

Psychology has been very stressful, seeing as the chapters are getting longer and more boring than I had originally expected. Don’t get me wrong, a job in this field would be wonderful- my interest in this subject is not as typical as one would expect from a teenager (omgz, I’m so special, I like psychology! Who wouldn’t be interested in psychology?! Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe would find it interesting.) because, as you can tell- I love science! I just feel that the way this course is set up this book sucks. I’ve read better textbooks from the thrift store. From the sixties. Yah.

Lately, I have been thinking alot about social psychology. There’s this principle called diffusion of responsibility, or something, which describes a scenario in which a person is less likely to react to a situation if there are more people around. One person thinks that someone else will do something effective, so they do not do anything to solve a circumstance. Sadly, everyone else in the room is thinking the exact same thing, so nothing is done. This usually happens when one person is in need of something or badly hurt, unfortunately.

… I was just thinking about it because in my classes, the teachers tell really corny jokes. I feel bad for the teacher because they chuckle at themselves and the class does not react at all. Because of the whole diffusion thing, I actually react because I know nobody else will. The same thing applies when the teacher asks the class a question and expects for them to answer, and nobody does. So, decidedly, I’m the loudest person in my classes.

What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared

… “A little too much for friends but not enough to share.”

Cue the angst!

asdfjslk;jf Things are going great with him. I’m just not sure if I should tell him like I thought I would since things are going well. He’s acting like he cares! It’s almost like we’re friends again. Decidedly, I am very confused right now. He’s always asking how I’m feeling. He even was sympathetic today when he thought I was lonely (and, indeed, I was. Without yoooooouuuuuu!! /corniness)

I am at the lowest point I can be at right now, I think. Before, I could stand being around him, or not, but if I couldn’t, it would be out of being melancholic about him. Now I’m annoyed by him because he’s all that I think aboutlksjdiofwjer I need to stop being a teenage girl, kthx. Either that, or someone could inject me with some human growth hormone and I would be fine.

Debbie was my man in swing club yesterday. It was lots of fun, but she was really shy. We still brought the rad, though. :D

I’m surprised that I’ve managed to post so often this week. Hopefully, I won’t have to take a hiatus like I originally planned on doing. :D

“You could have crushed a baby bunny in front of a toddler and not seen a more pathetic expression on a human face.”

I love that. It’s from Unorthodox Atheism, which is on my blogroll, I think.

P.S. Totally loving Even If It Kills Me, even if it’s darker than I Am The Movie and Commit This To Memory, it’s still very good. “Hello Helicopter” isn’t a poppy song at all, though. It seems the poppiest songs are “Antonia” (which is totally like me, actually. The lyrics epitomize who I am even if it’s just the name I chose for Spanish, xD) and “Last Night”.