I’ll be all ready on that evening when you starve for my attention

… “And you’ll say, and you’ll say. Wake now prince, there’s a moon and sky above, and a jealous moon in love and they are starved for our attention.”

I may as well post before the week begins.

I have so much english homework that I should have done during the week, but I did not care enough to do it. Study habits are learned at a young age, so I suppose I should get started now? The World Literature book is ridiculously boring and asks the stupidest questions, so I choose to not spend my time that way. And I play Earthbound. I’m such a loser.

I went to the marching band competition last night. Riza’s band did not even win because they were sponsoring the event. I do not understand why they played in the first place, but that may be just me. It was freezing, though, and I did not think enough to bring a coat. So I ended up wearing Riza’s mother’s jacket (which was completely PNW, I’m telling you. Everyone around here wears them.) and looked like an eskimo. And Angela videotaped me dancing in the car to Riza’s mother’s Korean pop music, because it is techno and somewhere within it, a horse neighs. I do not understand, either, but it’s really dance-able.

… It is so sweet, though, and it makes me want to punch myself.

I painted today and hung up my newest creation. I’m getting better at this, even if the paintings are completely geometric and way too colorful for the average person.

I failed the science aspect of our standardized test. I took it a year early as a freshman last year, so I suppose it’s fine. I got all the points possible for writing, go figure. My english teacher outed me for it. I do not see it as an achievement, really, since the test is for idiots, even if it is state-wide. omgz i need to use counting blocks in order to do the math part!1! D: I weep for the future.

… And did I mention that I am five points short of passing the science part?!! Yah, I’m going to have to retake it to earn those five points back. I’m not enthused, since the science part is so meticulous. That makes me want to punch myself even more.

We were watching a film on evolution in world history last week, and Tyler sat next to me. He said quite loudly, “Read the bible!”

At that moment I realized, with amazing passion and absolutely no sympathy, that he is an idiot. I almost turned around and said, “Did your God make fossils just to trick us?!” Oh,  frustration.

“Which bothers you more - that you were the last to learn that your bible is filled with claims which have been dispelled by science or that some uppity scientist had the nerve to say so?” - Atheist Revolution

This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me angry when it comes to religious people. I’m sorry, but what did he expect that to accomplish by saying that? It probably did not get up there to Jeebus, and it certainly did not get through to anyone else in the room. He just ended up looking like a jerk.

Another thing is, they think that religion entirely replaces science. Tyler may as well have gone up to Stephen Hawking in his lab, while he’s working with his quasars and being smart, and said, “Stephen, I know you’re a smart guy and everything…

“But look here- the universe wasn’t created by a big bang, look- God made the universe! In six days and six nights…”

I’m not saying this about all religious people, mind you- I’m saying this about every religious fundamentalist.  I may be a very passionate atheist, but I would not do anything like he did. I am polite, gosh darn it. When people bring up religion, I’m fine with it. I do not always argue about it. I only do it when people are propagandizing it to me, or criticizing atheism, or talking about how wonderful it is and not being neutral. If I don’t agree with what they are saying, mostly because they do not have their facts straight, then I say something.

Some dude: “You scared the bejesus out of me!”

Me: “You suck.”

:D

… Take that, Jeebus!

I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure

… “You try to tell me that I’m clever, but that won’t get me anyhow, or anywhere, with you.  “

These past two weeks have been so eventful bizarre, I’m not even sure if they really occurred.

I came out to my parents, which resulted in being punished. I am so grounded- that’s the reason why comments are disabled. Don’t ask why, it’s a really stupid reason. My internet access is dramatically restricted because they think it has some influence on me. Like, being on the internet = being gay?! I’m sorry, but correlation never establishes causation. I believe they did the same thing with my atheism. Let’s just admit it- they are not the most accepting people on this planet. My mom said that I cannot have any girls over because “we do not want those kinds of *things* going on in our house.” That was just insulting. They also wanted me to tell them the name of every girl I had had a crush on. And here’s another thing:

“Generally, we accept gay people. But it’s a completely different thing when it’s your *daughter*.”

I’m so tired of this adversarial  relationship we have. Respect should not be a one-way street.

I transferred into FST, which is one of the best things I have ever done. I just wish that I didn’t have to do the first chapter, because it is so mindless and easy, that it’s boring. I cannot stand not being challenged. It makes me not care.

/Logan actually has the class with me. -dies-

I joined swing club. I really like it- it gives me something to look forward to, and keeps me away from home. Being home really sucks.

I’m almost over this Logan thing, I hope. I realize that he’s changed (okay, I realized that a while ago. But Allie realized it, too, so I don’t feel alone.) and there isn’t a point anymore.

Homecoming is in three weeks and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think my parents are not going to let me go. Which brings us back to the second paragraph, thanks. I’m still brainstorming the dress, anyways, because they are still making up their minds. If I can’t wear the dress to homecoming, then I could just wear it to school. No, it’s not going to be particularly fancy. I cannot go out and buy the fabric, so I’m stuck with whatever I have around the house. I have this nice wool fabric that I’m thinking of using, although, I’m not sure since it is WOOL! D:

I’m going to this marching band thing tonight for Riza. I love how Riza support time = Angela quality time, haha.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Angela to bits, the irony is just overwhelming. :D

I am playing this new game called Earthbound. Despite the hardcore name, it’s the cutest thing evar! :D

AP Psychology has become so overwhelming. The vocab for this past chapter had about a hundred or so words in it! We had one day to study it. It’s not like he warned us about it- he hadn’t mentioned the vocab once.

I miss my friends.

The devil collects it, and with a grin

… “I love in a ball of yarn. When you are away, my heart comes undone, slowly unravels, in a ball of yarn.”

Geez, that song is so definitive of, well, that. I’ve decided to get over this. I won’t actively think about him. To think that he would come around, someday, is a delusion. I don’t believe in delusions. And of course, the second I decide this, he gave me so much attention, I started crying. I told myself that if he talks to me today, then I shouldn’t give up on him. But to do that is ridiculous, since chance does not establish connotation, so even if I told myself that to feel better, it obviously did not work.

School has been okay. I’ve been getting tons of exercise. I haven’t really made any new friends, I don’t think. I kind of did, there’s this girl that had spanish with me last year and I thought she was a total bimbo. She’s not that smart, really, but she has standards, which I like.

I ride the bus home now. In effect, I’ve been talking to Kate quite a bit. I would like her, but she’s overly suicidal, and I don’t really dig that. Amelia, on the other hand…

I don’t like my math class at all. The people in it are nice, but the teacher is stupid, and the textbook is actually stupider. I really want to get out of this class but mom and dad will not let me. The textbook is so insulting, you have no clue. We do everything in groups. We do “investigations” everyday. I also love what happened today, which perfectly describes the situation:

*on probability*

some dude: “Does it tell us how to do it in the book?”

my teacher: “Actually, no. Our textbooks aren’t <i>reference</i> books. If you want to learn how to do it, I suggest looking it up on the internet, mathwizard is a great place to start.”

Really. I also love how my teacher didn’t even try to explain it to him. I couldn’t believe it- at first, I thought it was just the book that was bad, but no, the teacher is almost as bad because she doesn’t even try to remedy the problem. Needless to say, all respect for her outside of the required academic perspective, is gone.

I’m so tired of my mood.

I can’t stand being around Mary lately. She hurts my feelings! I’m not sure if she is doing it on purpose or not. I absolutely dislike how condescending she can be towards me. Condescension of any sort gets me frustrated.

Ah. Right now, I feel like everybody and their mothers just couldn’t care less about me. Gosh, I need those birth control pills now, because I can’t stand how I cannot control my emotions at all.

I saw Adrian Underwood at least five times this week. I should punch him as I walk by so he’d pay attention to me. I don’t particularly remember any conversation we had when he was around, but I do remember that I dug him alot.

I need somebody around right now, I just don’t want to admit it, because I should be totally over it already.

And the last time he saw Dory, he didn’t know what to say

… “But thank you because you loved me, it’s all on me, because I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want to stay.”

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days (2.75 years).
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).
Why 1001 Days?: Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Start date: September 7, 2007
End Date: June 4, 2010

in progress
completed

1. Go to a show, either The Starting Line or Copeland.
2. Have a living arrangement somewhere in Seattle in preparation for college.
3. Go on a picnic.
4. Go to an art museum.
5. Have a day in the city and go to a grocery store :D
6. I guess you know what I want already.
7. Go to a yarn store/fabric store in Canada?
8. Enroll in a college I actually like, and not settle on a job to prove someone else right.
9. Go a weekend without electronics. (Not planned, really. 10/25)
10. Be able to tolerate people touching me without feeling annoyed. Be more affectionate.
11. Care more about the way I look and stop being like a man. AKA, be girlier, and wear more skirts and dresses.
12. … And stop wearing boxers. I lost them… 12/1/07
13. Stop being on the computer/playing video games as often because my eyes are dying. (1/5/08) Three days, man.
14. Look after myself: Take makeup off every night, follow skin regime, do hair & face treatments fortnightly and exfoliate weekly. Continue using natural/etsy/homemade products.
15. Plan and follow a schedule for cleaning and organisation including tidying, cleaning bathroom, vacuuming, washing, bedding. Include waking up at 7am one day per week on one of my days off.
16. Get a manicure.
17. Read all of the unread books I own.
18. Hang out with friends more often - actually make an effort and go with them to the city or where ever even if I think it’ll be a waste of time or money. Aiming for at least three times every two months for at least one year.
19. Get a hamster again?
20. Go to that theatre in Bainbridge Island.
21. Make a photo album.
22. Make a magazine rack.
23. Make a dress for any important upcoming event, like homecoming and graduation. (10/20/07)
24. Read The Great Gatsby.
25. No cursing for at least a week. (11/14/07)
26. Get my natural hair color back, haha. (12/10/07
27. knit something following the pattern. (11/7/07)
28. Finish my 4 WIPs: a pincushion, my sweater, a hat, a purse, and a wallet. (3/4)
29. Eat more vegetables and less fruits, haha.
30. Keep time open to do nothing but exist without worry.
31. Go to firework shows with Laurie on the fourth of July every year. No.
32. Buy flowers for someone I love.
33. Get a serger. (12/25/07)
34. Acquire ten new books for my library. (6/10)
35. Go on a train ride?
36. Go vegetarian?
37. Be more secretive.
38. Unveil one false person. (1/1) 12/28/07
39. Unveil five true people. (4/5) (Both on 10/31/07) (The other two on varying dates between Christmas and Halloween.)

40. Be able to successfully help someone with their problems. (Sept. 12, 2007)
41. Fall in love.
42. Watch one new movie per week for two months, all recommended by a different friend.
43. Shop at a farmer’s market. (5/26/08)
44. Volunteer at the Red Cross center.
45. Finally subscribe to Psychology Today.
46. Get a shirt from the OUT campaign (It’s an atheistic campaign, haha.)
47. Switch to reusable menstrual pads? (It’s eco-friendly, okay?!)
48. Be more honest with people, and what I mean by this is to stop sugarcoating things.
49. On the other hand, be more mindful of people’s feelings.
50. Get portion sizes right when it comes to making dinner for my family.
51. Get soundproof earbuds. (11/24/07)
52. Make a blouse.
53. Read Brand New World.
54. Read A Clockwork Orange.
55. Make at least five things from Readymade. (5/5)
56. Write a letter to myself to read 10 years from now. (1/7/07)
57. Blog at least once a week on the wordpress blog.
58. Knit something amigurimi.
59. Read two classic feminist works. (2/2)
60. Do five random acts of kindness, including one for my parents. (5/5)
61. Go out by myself in the city at least once. (8/28/07)
62. Synchronize my Firefox bookmarks, as well as my AOL bookmarks.
63. Become a better writer.
64. Organize craft supplies.
65. Go to homecoming. (10-20-07)
66. Go to Tolo?
67. Uh, tell him how I feel? (10/14/07)
68. Become less socially retarded.
69. Be a better friend. Try and hang out with people more. Do not refuse proposals to hang out. With anyone.
70. Become a mensch, yeah. Be nicer to people on the whole.
71. OR A MUSE.
72. Become as separated from the media as possible.
73. Regret less. Mostly, forgive myself, for, uh, that.
74. Become less vexated by the people around me.
75. Make more of an effort to make people happy. Giving people presents for no apparent reason. Smiling at strangers, that kind of stuff.
76. Be more open with people, so if I like someone, I’ll tell them.
77. Create more of a minimalist feel in my room.
78. Make a corset.
79. Bring my GPA up to its original 3.5, or higher.
80. Get in touch with my old friends.
81. Be in a relationship- one in which I am completely involved, enveloped, and react romantically. Sure, why not.
82. Get over that one person, or whatever.
83. Create a piece of literature.
84. Fill up a notebook.
85. Fill up another notebook.

86. Become more knowledgeable about film.
87. Get a job.
88. Become more impulsive.
89. Go to a film festival.
90. Go see a play.
91. Do well on my AP exam. :D!:D!:D!
92.
I need more goals. D:

So I know I’m not alone in a world full of vampires

… Today was pretty great. But I’ll get right down to the point here.

Logan has english with me. Darn it, why can’t I just get over this? There’s no point in caring about this whole thing at all, I see no reason to waste my life worrying about something as useless as a boy. I sound the same, no matter how many times I write about this. There’s nothing new; there will be nothing new; there has been absolutely no change involving my friendship with him over the last two years; and despite all of this, I still care. I am such a hypocrite. Darn it, I’m an amazing person, I love myself more than anybody else could, but this whole thing makes me feel that much worse.

“Two years have passed and nothing’s changed, it’s all right. Still you just wait for that embrace, it’s all right. There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back.”

I really should stop writing about him if I want to make any progress. Actually, no, because it wouldn’t make a difference.

I miss my Amelia, though, haha.

Maybe you should make a list for me, of everything important in this world.

… “In a note of urgency, because I don’t know how I feel.”

Summer’s over in four days? Of course, this isn’t naturally decided- education did it.

So, I’m bi. I’m not sure if I’ve written it here, ever, but that’s what I am. I’m not following a trend, all right?

Anthony is being a jerk and says that I’m only saying that because I want attention. I don’t need attention. Anthony’s put me on the defense, as you can tell. He’s just so frustrating lately. A few months ago, I thought that I could never dislike him. I just wish I never started that damn debate, because if I didn’t, we’d be just fine right now. I can’t stand talking to him anymore; he always gets me in a bad mood. I absolutely hate how we can’t talk without mentioning religion. We were just fine before! I can’t believe this debate has jeopardized our friendship- if I knew this would happen, I wouldn’t have done this.

So, yeah. I like someone. I think this whole thing about Logan has more or less, blown over for now. When school starts, I’ll like him again, but I’m enjoying these last couple of days in which I have little affection for him. She’s really cute, we’ve hung out before. She had food science with me, too, haha. Darn it, she’s really pro-bible, so she wouldn’t dig me back. There’s this other girl that’s really cute, too, but she’s too emo for me, so I don’t think I could deal with her. And, of course- there’s that other girl, but everyone is in love with her, including one of my best friends, so I’m not going to bother. I can’t live with myself knowing that I have a crush on someone who is loved by one of my best friends. Even if she gave up on her.

I’ve been knitting myself a sweater- I started it less than a week ago? And I’m almost done with it. I have to finish the sleeves, join them into the round, knit the rest of the sweater, then sew the sleeves up and add a button band. The last four steps are relatively easy and quick, haha.

Megan has Spanish with me, so I’m not going to switch out of the class, after all. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have Megan around. But then again, I don’t have any of my other close friends in my classes. Okay, Daniella and Mary are close to me, but they are on a different level. They’re close, but not extraordinarily close like Lorren/Shelley/Laurie are. I wish Debbie had classes with me, because I don’t think we’ll be as close as we are now during the year. I have a feeling that the state of our relationship now is the deepest it will ever be.