Gosh, I don’t feel like writing one, straightforward entry today. I don’t feel like elaborating much, either, so there.
If you look back at all the things you’ve done; whether it is within the last week or the last year; things get quite pathetic.
And you guys know how I am. How silly I can get; how damn emo I can get; and darn it, the degree of weirdness I can achieve. But is this really who I am? If you’ve hung out with me at all, or know me just a little bit, I’m not that extreme, I guess.
… Gosh, lately, I haven’t been able to dig myself as much as I used to. I don’t understand why.

To remain non confrontational seems to be the easiest thing to do when it comes to friendships. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to be angry with someone in the first place, no matter how many times they do something stupid or disappoint me.

There’s something missing in my life right now. (And it’s NOT god.)

Whoever thinks that All Time Low’s cover of Time To Break Up is better than the original, is a moron.

I’ve been forced to wake up early in preparation for school, but I cheated because dad left for work and I slept for another hour.

I am so tired of scene kids.

I need to figure out which college I am going to go to. I want to go to some kind of secular college or university, but the only one that comes to mind is in Europe.

I absolutely love how I can figure other people out, but I can’t figure myself out.

I really need to forget about you, even if we’ve spent all summer together, because I can’t live with betraying someone else. And becoming everyone else.

… What’s the point of coming out if there’s nobody “new” to be with?!

… And what’s the point if you still like the people you did before?

I need money, so I can buy the FYS record, as well as the new MCS record. Moniiiiiiiiiiiiiies. >:O

Summer’s over in a week. Of course, that isn’t a natural standard, it’s one set by education.
I spent a day at the library and got a tower of books that went all the way up to my hip. Needless to say, it got a bit difficult commuting from one area of the library to another, and I felt rather stupid when I found out that there are baskets scattered throughout the library, and pretty embarrassed when the checkout lady gave me a dirty look, and bummed out when I realized that I only have a week to read these books, but it was nice spending the day in a library. Adore my three-sentence paragraph.
We have been to Target at least three times this week. Actually, for more emphasis- three times in less than two days, but whatever.
With all this going on, it’s made me digress from the whole high school thing. To make a conclusion that this year is going to suck, is a stupid thing to do, since this year hasn’t really started. But, I will continue to make that conclusion, because if I don’t have a conclusion, even an extremely stupid one, it sucks. So there.
I hung out with Riza/Cody/Angela on Friday for this marching band thing. It was  very fun, actually. Cody called me a nerd, though. He said that I’m a bigger nerd than he is. I kept singing the Zelda theme song. But it was cool since Cody and I kept talking about Zelda stuffs! :D After the marching band thing, I went around with Angela and talked to people. Everyone was in a really bad mood.
Other than that, Allie and Debbie and I had plans on Saturday to go to the fair. I called Allie to talk about it and she said she’d call Debbie and call me right back to tell me what time we were going to go… She never called me back D:
I’ve been playing Zelda and The Illusion of Gaia. Deeeeaaaath. I gave up and started knitting! I’d better have a new sweater by the end of September. Or else… Angerdisappointmentfrustration!
… This Sunday, A Brief History of Disbelief is going to be on television! I only managed to catch the last installment of the series when it came on last month, but yah. It’s on those cable channels, SE28, so go watch it! I’m really looking forward to seeing the first part, because the last part was pretty darned great. Amazingly, I haven’t seen an atheistic program that I haven’t been disappointed with. But then again, atheistic programming isn’t that popular in the United States. A Brief History of Disbelief was actually aired in Britain first, I think, they weren’t even expecting to pitch it in the United States! This show is also the only atheistic show I have seen one television- the other secular programs I’ve watched on the internet… D:
My grandmother sent me a birthday present, and I got it a few days ago. So here are my thoughts:
- disclaimer-
I love my grandmother very much and I know she loves me too and I appreciate that she even got me a present, etc.
SO!
1. I got a fifty dollar giftcard to Jcpenney. Amazingly, I had just read something about how giftcards are cheap and impersonal.
2. The majority of the personal message she left me was already written by a corporation. The rest of it was talking about how it’d be so great for us to “come home,” and how we will celebrate my birthday when we get there.
3. I don’t like shopping all that much.
4. I don’t like Jcpenney all that much.
5. Jcpenney’s waffle irons and food processors suck.
6. Darn it, why can’t people just get me money for my birthday if they can’t think of anything else?!! I have so many freaking giftcards already, and now I have to figure out how to get rid of this one?!

I’d be hanging on their words

… “Like they almost meant a thing.”

I’m starting to appreciate Eat, Sleep Repeat. Which is great, because I realize why it was considered one of the best releases last year (I thiiiiink. D:)

So yah. I hung out with Riza on Friday, which was great. Except it was mostly hanging out with Angela, since Riza was at band practice. The whole marching band thing was cool. It’s just that everybody was extremely irritable and I wanted to punch everyone because they weren’t in a good mood. So their bad mood contaged me. Yes, that’s a word.

Riza has so much stuff to do during the weeeeek. D: I want to give her a huge hug.

Other than that, nothing’s been going on. That’s why I hardly post anymore. Just wait until school starts!

I’m tired of making friends. It’s not so much exhaustion; or solitariness; it’s just that there are only so many people I can be around that I don’t have to “dilute” my personality with. And vice versa, there are only so many people that I can tolerate “diluting” my personality with. I’m tired of doing that, but that is what is crucial to the art of self-disclosure. I guess when you get the hang of said art, then you can win people over. This isn’t to say that I have a strategy for these things, because I don’t. To have a strategy when it comes to meeting people is ridiculous, and pretty darned snobby.

I sleep too well living this way

… “Because I live so well, everyone should be repaid!”

So. The only class I really have to look forward to is World History, since that’s the only class that other people have with me.

Next year is going to suck. I feel a sense of morbidity when it comes to some of my friendships.*le sigh* I feel like crying. Although, to do so would feel like an overreaction. Things work out. Maybe there were people that I didn’t get to see their schedule because they left before I did. But the bottom line is that most of the people that I care about, I’m hardly going to see next year. And that scares me.

I’m going to hang out with Riza tonight for this marching thing. I have no clue as to what this marching thing entails, but what do I have left to lose?

Allie, Debbie, and I are planning on going to the fair tomorrow. All somebody has to do is call and set things up D:

Debbie slept over last night. It was tons of fun! :D We stayed up until three in the morning… And ate breakfast at eleven. The conversations we had definitely  have inside joke potential. She should be around all the time! Although, she did meet my mother… I do enjoy the questions she asks my friends, but then again, they were pretty darned intrusive and excruciating D: We played The Illusions of Gaia (I think) for the whole afternoon today. We got past the first boss, which we achieved by starting the game over… D: At least the people in the game got some. I hate that princess, though, and the main character shouldn’t end up with her. SETH ALL THE WAY!! :D
Tomorrow’s maze day. I hate how every summer I’ve ever experienced since I’ve started school, has ended with a phrase similar to: “Gosh, summer went by so quickly!” I also hate maze day, so I guess it works. It’s going to suck because Riza has this japanese thing to do so she’s not carpooling with me this year… D:

… hahahahha. “Slutcake.”
…. Hahaha, “beast sandwich.”

I suck.

And so, I am a little nervous about this whole starting-the-last-three-years-of-my-academic-career thing. Not that much, mostly because I haven’t been thinking about it. I’m not sure if thinking about it would psyche myself out, or help me. But considering the fact that I am agonizing over whether to think about it or not, I think that means that I am a bit freaked out about it. It sucks being honest with yourself.
I’m going to see tons of people that I haven’t seen in years… And that is the part that freaks me out. But I think everyone feels this way.
Mmph. I’m not going to think about it until I have to, because worrying about it gets me nowhere.
/discussion

Dusk, the day after.

I can’t say much since I’m supposed to be cleaning, so I’ll leave this short and swt.

- Went to a museum in Oregon yesterday, the only reason why we really went was because of the planetarium there, but we arrived early and the museum doesn’t readmit people, so we were there with two hours to kill. Boring, really, but the planetarium was cool.

- Debbie’s sleeping over today. I have no clue as to what we’re going to do, because I suck being a hostess, as I’ve said plenty of times before.

- went to maze today with my brother; saw Lorren/Kendra. It was really boring being in that freaking line. And then I remembered that I will have to go through this again on Friday. Yaaaaah. D:

Peace out.

Oh, how to let a muggle down.

… I suck at saying no to people who want me to sew them stuff. djfkjskdfj So now I’m stuck sewing something for somebody. Greeeeat.

But anyways. I watched Less Than Zero last night because I obviously couldn’t fall asleep. It was a very depressing movie to watch, seeing as the main character is this dude who is trying to take care of this druggie, who happens to be his best friend. His friend is stoned for half the movie, and then he finally decides to clean things up, and then he dies. I really wish I could see him outside of the context of being a druggie, you know? Inevitably, I cried at the end of the movie, but it wasn’t out of love for the character necessarily, it was out of love for his best friends and how frustrated they must feel.

(lsjdfkljsdf Andrew McCarthy, ftw. :D)

I feel lonely. I’m not sure which sense I want to use here, either romantic loneliness or social loneliness, because they may both express a feeling of seclusion, but one seems to mean more than the other.
Romantically, I feel somewhat lonely. I wouldn’t say that it means more than my social loneliness, because that would be a lie, but if I were to say that it means little to me, that wouldn’t be the whole truth, either. For the most part, I see no reason to feel romantically lonely, because I haven’t really experienced romantic ‘crowding,’ haha. I’ll digress a little here, and come right out and describe an epiphany I’ve experienced: Most of this year has been full of despairing over people that I don’t have. Now that I think about it, all of it was completely pointless. It did nothing for me. So, I’m going to change that.
Onwards with social loneliness. I don’t love being around people all that much, normally, since most people are stupider than I am. /egotism
But anyways, I don’t love being around tons of people. But for some reason, all these people have been what I’ve been living for, as of late, and without being with people, it really makes me feel… Starved, I suppose.

And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again.

… “If it makes you less sad, I’ll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself, I’ll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I’ll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.”

We went to ikea yesterday. Most boring trip of my life, but I wanted to go, so I can’t really blame anyone else. We left at nine in the morning and got home at seven.

Gosh, I really wish I could say something intriguing.

Richard Dawkins hosts this new show in the UK, but since I don’t live there, I can’t see it on tv. Oh, but I totally saw it on the internet, and I now realize that Richard Dawkins should have my babies. Kidding, but he’s one rad dude.

“Is tomorrow just a day like all the rest?”

…“How could you know just what you did? So full of faith yet so full of doubt, I ask. Time and time again, you said, don’t be afraid. “If you believe you can do it.”

Today is a day for Jimmy Eat World. I’ve been feeling like Bright Eyes until I realized that I needed Jimmy Eat World.

Ultimately, I accomplished nothing today. I played Zelda. You know, I’ve always thought of video game playing as being a huuuuuge waste of time. You don’t get anything in the end. And yet I’ve managed to put that prejudice aside, and play video games for hours. Yes, hours. Those damn soldiers keep ramming into me and killing me. And every time you get down to one hit point, it beeps like crazy. I almost shot my television. But it’s all in the name of fun, right?

… And then I found out that when you complete the game, it tells you how many times you’ve died. How hardcore is that? Just watch, it’s going to be a hundred and twenty three. But those were only at the really bad parts, okay? I don’t suck at playing video games. I’m awesome at them. I just think they are a huge waste of time. But I’m a kid and I should be able to have fun without thinking of the nonexistent practicality, right?

… Geez. I suck at having fun. Or just seeing the bright side of things. D:

I went to the mall with Debbie yesterday, and we had a good time. Except for the fact that we didn’t meet up at the same place and we were waiting for each other for an hour… But yah. It was still swt. We were a tad bored though, since neither of us like shopping all that much and we had nothing to shop for. I bought a Hamtaro DVD. And I wanted to get rid of a giftcard, so I bought the Plus 44 cd. Except I already have it. It’s okay, I guess. Hot Topic has a very limited selection of cds, I’ll tell you. Debbie and I had fun picking the cds out, though, because we listen to the same stuff (kind of)

Oh, and we read greeting cards out loud to each other. Surprisingly, the only time two atheists went out together, the very first card I picked up was from a company called ChristianExpressions. We had tons of fun reading the Christian expressions from the cards to each other. And we had fun with those cards that make music. :D

Dad gets a good first impression from Debbie, so he said that she  can come over whenever she wants. Maybe I’ll ask her to come over sometime. Just not this week, though, because she’s going a-campin’.

Sometimes, I really wish I could believe in god. Because when you begin to question what life really is; or what life is supposed to mean; or what you should even do with your life, the most comfortable thing to do is hope for a conclusion, a fairy-tale one, even though it’s not plausible at all.

Out of all the supernatural things people have brought into existence, the concept I wish were the most true is an afterlife. Believing in a god does not do much for people- if there is no way of a god truly affecting you during your time on earth (so to speak) then believing in one does very little for you. God and the afterlife are, in essence, one huge causal correlation. In other words, to believe in one, and to “reap the benefits,” you have to believe in the other; there is no reason to believe in God if you don’t believe in an afterlife; to believe in an afterlife, you may as well believe in a god, because it is intellectually unsatisfying.

But, I digress. When I think of death, the only satisfying metaphor I can think of, is that you do not experience it necessarily, and it’s like another person is living it for you- there is no way you can experience death, since you don’t experience anything while being dead. Don’t get me wrong- I don’t believe in reincarnation either, this is simply a conceptual metaphor I am using to describe death. I’m focusing on the idea that when you are dead, “you” do not really exist. “You” will not even remember your life or have time to look back on it, because you will be dead.

Living life now is almost contradictory since there is no reason to be living if you will not remember it later, your life, along with all your accomplishments, are lost, because there is no way you can prove that the world you are living in now is actually real. The existence of other minds is only verifiable with hindsight.

The depressing thing is, I don’t think I will ever live again after this lifetime; reincarnation sounds cool, but I doubt it actually occurs. With this conclusion, I’ve decided that this life, the one that I am sure exists, is the one I should be focusing on.

And with that wonderful segue, now that I’ve realized that I should be focusing on this life… What should I be focusing on during this life? I’m hung up on the ideas of other people on the way I should live. Then I’m hung up on my own ideas of how I should live, because I am so scared of screwing things up. But darn it, every single moment that goes by,  I won’t be able to live through again, and I’m afraid of contemplating for too long.

Napoleon’s tailor dressed him in a giant hat and funny platform shoes

…”Saying anyone can be a hero you just got to force people to look up to you.”

I’m going out today. I get the new Scientific American Mind! I’ve never hung out with Debbie before, and I have to admit, I’m pretty darned excited. Don’t understand why, though, since all we are doing is expressing the same kind of consumerism corporate America has thrust upon us during our childhood. I need to stop being so introspective.

Because poor people don’t exist when times are good.

… “So when you’re talking on a hotline to a suicidal soul, don’t let your voice sound like hot coffee, more like a scented pillow.”

Geez. The four weeks really have come to an end. It was pretty somber when we left because we had to say goodbye to these new friends we’ve made- especially since some of them are going to Oly and Klahowya. D:

Tomorrow, I’m going to hang out with Debbie. It’s so weird when you start to become close friends with someone, because it’s never expected. It’s not like we are very close or anything, but we’ve certainly become better friends over the summer. I had always seen Debbie as one of Allie’s best friends, not necessarily mine. Okay, that concept changed a while ago, but the surprise is still there.

I’ve been on this Little Drawings kick for a week or so now. Little Drawings is love.

I’m reading that book by Hemant Mehta. It’s really great. I haven’t read a nonfiction book from the first page to the last in a very long time!  I’m really impressed by Mehta’s approach to theism, as well as atheism. I really like his openness to things in his book, even though I am completely different. Although the author seems a bit… Self-conscious. He spends most of the books rebutting criticisms, as well as debunking stereotypes, as opposed to describing what he thinks. I understand why though, because he doesn’t necessarily have a point of view to back up because of his openness when it comes to religion.

I also started reading The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins. It’s also pretty great, but you have to really pay attention to what the author is saying. I didn’t appreciate the really long example of how we should define complexity, because it was really f*cking long. I got bored at that point and started reading Mehta’s book. Ironically, Mehta recommends reading The Blind Watchmaker in I Sold My Soul on Ebay.

It’s amazing how people come to my blog because they searched for themselves on Google. Some of the terms they used were pretty darned embarrassing, but I suppose I understand their curiosity when it comes to references to themselves on the internet. It’s pretty cool knowing who comes to your page, though, because IP addresses are not that helpful, haha.

I really dislike thinking about people I used to know. The worst thing about being a solipsist is that the only person you can blame circumstances on, is the person who made your universe. I suppose forgiving yourself is a pretty darned difficult thing to do.

I was wrong to make a country club of my affection

… “Subjective love for those of my selection.”

Haha, bonus round.

I’ve come to the realization that three months simply are not enough. I still have tons of things to figure out before school begins! Summer school has monopolized my time in this way that I didn’t expect; or maybe I just didn’t remember. I feel like I’ve wasted my summer again; and then later on, I’ll realize it wasn’t. But it’s still really disappointing. This summer has been disappointing.

I was reading my old diaries and I was hoping to find some person with interesting things to talk about. Admittedly, I realize now that I used to be so shallow. And uninteresting. Or maybe I wasn’t, and I decided not to be that honest with my diaries. To even have a diary makes me feel a little shallow.

I’ve got time, but I got no time for you!

.. “Kiss me like you mean it, because I’ve got everything to lose!”

Geez. I’m in love with It’s Like Love.

Summer school ends tomorrow. I’m going to the mall with Debbie soon, although I don’t really like hanging out in malls because all it proves is that corporations have affected our lives so much so that we choose to procreate in malls. Karen and Megan might sleepover on Sunday, which will be nice, since we always have fun together. If only I were a better hostess! D:

We were forced to run cross country. Debbie and I totally ran it in half an hour. Then we walked the track with everybody.

I’m thinking of buying that Nightmare of You EP that’s supposed to be coming out soon. I think buying Directions really changed the way I approached the way I get music… ?
Oh, and I found out that TSL has yet to release three more b-sides. I’m dying to see what “Swings” sounds like. I really like “Pictures,” I think it’s my favorite song in their post BOATS era. Although I do admit- BOATS is tons better than Directions. I wish it weren’t, just because I anticipated Directions so much. D:

Mmph. Lately, I’ve been thinking about death. Again. Morbidity seems to have become my specialty as of late, but that’s really not a  good thing. To think that one day, I will not exist. And that thought makes me feel very melancholic, because darn it- I WANT TO EXIST.

… And that thought leads me to think about how I should cherish life. Which makes me think about graduating and how depressing that whole process will be. And then I think about how I should be focusing more on school, seeing as I got a C in food science, which is the easiest class ever. And how I got a B- in honors physical science, and how that was pretty easy, too. And how I didn’t really work that hard in areas other than English during my freshman year. Mmph.

… And all these thoughts were brought about by thinking about time as continuous and unrelenting.  I mean, summer school went by quickly, one could expand on that idea on a larger scale and emphasize how life goes by quickly. Soon enough, I’ll be dead.

Gosh, I really wish I could believe in an afterlife and a god. It’d be so much easier to come to terms with your own mortality when there’s a caring man and a place full of clouds to back you up.  And flying babies, you can’t forget about those.

It’s easier for me now to let go of people

… “It’s easier now to recognize when a particular person or set of people no longer contribute to her growth, no longer bring something valuable to her life, and she does not feel that she always has to be sad about that, that she does not have to struggle to hold onto them. As terrible as it may sound simply to let go of people, it’s something I understand, something I think I started to do a long time ago, in subconscious preparation for what was coming next. That’s not to say that I’m letting go of everyone, that I’m going to sever relationships with people who have meant a lot to me and who I know will continue to mean a lot to me, but that it isn’t as hard to leave them now as I thought it would be. Anyone who is truly important will continue to care about me, be involved somehow in my life, regardless of how far away I am, and I them. At the same time, it is easier to recognize when some relationships have run their course, when some things won’t survive past their current context. You can’t let your sadness, when something ceases to have the meaning it once did, paralyze you. You have to keep moving.”

- via heartsleeve.
I admit, this really got me thinking.

but whatever. Time to be silly:

I’ll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges

… “and you’ll say you don’t to be with me because no one ever does and no one ever thinks of me that way, but I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you, and if you promise me that I’m good enough for someone. Because I’ve got to be good enough for you, and someday soon I’ll get it right, and then you’ll see just how good I can be.”

I hung out with Allie yesterday in Old Towne. Debbie was supposed to come, but she’s too busy working on that project. Allie bought me lunch and two skeins of yarn to make up for my birthday. It’s swt because I hardly ever get Debbie Bliss yarns. I only get it impulsively, because when I think about it, it really bums me out. It’s just the consumer from within trying to make a break for it, I’m telling you.

This project is death. I have no clue as to what my poster is supposed to look like, so I’m going to paste hello kitty; hamtaro; ewoks; a printscreen of the Wheaties website; a picture of a black man holding up the loser sign; darth vader; the cover of Snakes on a Train (seriously, that’s not a typo); polar bears; aliens; harry potter; Jack Bauer; and George Bush dressed up as Fred Flintstone. I told you I had no idea.

Love is a risk, we always get hit out of nowhere

… “This story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear. Call me and let me taste the salt you breathe while you were underneath… I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean. I know that this is what you want- a funeral keeps both of us apart, you know that you are not alone- I need you like water in my lungs.”

“Play Crack The Sky” is such a depressing song.

I’m going out today recreationally for the first time in months. It’s exciting to a degree. I wish I could get this project over with, though, because it’s really ruining liiiiiife. D:

Today, we clean- and we mean it. We have found hobo spiders in our house, so we’ve transformed into a clean up brigade in an attempt to get them out. These are some bitching spiders, I’ll tell you.

I get to pick up my books from the library at last, but it’s another distraction. I think we are going to Ikea tomorrow, which we need! I need stuff to organize my room.

Obama needs to win.

We need an atheist to run this country, therefore, Obama should win. In all seriousness, I think he should win. But I do not think he will. His godlessness is going to bite him in the ass in the end. America is in every sense- a Christian nation. Even if he gets lucky and wins, the Christians will probably try and impeach him. Seriously, they will. This really gets me angry. I want him to win. This nation needs a rational thinker in opposition to a god-loving, homo-hating man named after a shrub.

People need to get past the belief that morality is a religious virtue, seeing as it is a human quality. I am utterly disgusted that most of the people on this earth are so fucking ignorant to believe that it is a religious virtue. One is not born with the idea of God implanted in their brains, therefore, babies don’t believe in god- does this mean they are morally bankrupt?

I am going to have so much fun in dodgeball on Monday. I get to throw foam balls at every single theist in the room (seeing as the only atheists in the room are Debbie and me.) :D