This is just as it should be

… “My best laid plans will build and break your heart!”

Chikapow.

And just to rub it in..

.

I’ll cross my t’s and dot my i’s

… “Don’t you dare say goodbye, I’ll sign sincerely yours and sign my name, P.S. I love you, forever and today!”

As of late, The All-American Rejects have not impressed me much. Okay, I’ll admit it- their sophomore record blows. But their debut record is really great. Riza introduced it to me, actually, in like fourth or fifth grade. Terrible, really, how young I was at the time, but surprisingly, it’s poppy enough for me to love five years later xD

… And yeah, I realize how corny the whole record is. Maybe the teeny bopper from within is trying to make a break for it. *shudder*

Ah, and there’s this huuuuuuge thread in which people who got advanced copies of Directions are talking about how great it is. I am truly dying.

And so, I have officially decided that my computer is infected with some terrible disease. The black plague, more like. And with that, I present to you:

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF AMANDA’S DYING COMPUTER!

That is Amanda’s amazing paint-produced image of her computer. That is before… They came.

Yesssss.You know who They are. You’ve seen them and know where they come from. You just don’t remember because they took your memory away the exact second I brought this up. Let’s refresh our memory.

Oh, you know them well. And you cannot bear to think of it. Yes. They hog your computer. They hurt your computer, and even more- they load your computer with pictures of robots. I am scared, too.

Rather live my life in regret than do this

… “ What happened to the love we both knew? We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me, you burn me you’ll burn me. Lie better next time, stay on my side tonight.”

Geez. I really want Jimmy Eat World to get around to selling their record! It’s recorded and everything and yet they cannot decide in a release date, it seems. They were saying last December that it was going to come out soon.

Amanda rant on humans’ desire for self-preservation:

So. Have humans given it up? Global warming is a threat to the human population as we know it, and there are some people who are trying to prevent it from progressing further than it has, and yet there is a larger group of people who are hardly making any changes. If humans truly desired their species to thrive, then people would be trying even harder.

We are well aware of the consequences of nuclear weapons, and yet we still test them out and “make them better”. We choose not to sustain nuclear weapons, despite the threat of human extinction as a result of using them.

Water is a resource we cannot live without, and yet we do not use it sparingly. It is expected that by 2025, there will be water shortages in every country. Seventy percent of all fresh water is used for irrigation. Can you imagine? Seventy percent!! Twenty percent is used by industry, and the remaining ten percent is made up of residential purposes! We are exploiting the resource we need to survive. Does this show how much we care about preserving ourselves?

I think this is partly due to the surplus population of humans, and of the idea that either the possibility of the human race going extinct improbable because of the amount of people; or this may just be a great example of the diffusion of responsibility theory. The diffusion of responsibility theory states that you feel less personally responsible when other people are witnessing the same emergency.

I think this is due to the common misconception of the afterlife (yeah, you should’ve seen it coming!!) and of souls being eternal. What is the point of caring about the extinction of mankind if their souls live on forever, eh?

I’ll miss you when you’re just like them

… “I remember back then thinking easy comes but doesn’t stay, what comes easy never stays. But the politics need means and business never leaves, you better sing now while you can.”

You know, I’m not easily frightened. I can stand snakes, I can stand closed spaces, I can even stand heights. I’m not allergic to anything I know of right now, and I have nearly perfect vision. But I cannot, for the life of me, stand spiders.

Yeah. You get the point. Freaking ridiculous things. And really, I do not understand why I dislike spiders so much. Spiders that roam around the house are harmless. Maybe my ancestors encountered spiders alot and had to evolve to fear them to keep their genes thriving, I don’t know. Mexicans deal with spiders alot. But they deal with cockroaches alot, too, and I’m not that afraid of them… They are just a little spooky-looking, though.

… And that spider moves at lightning speed, I tell you. It moved a good two yards in like twenty minutes.

Oh, and by the way… I think I should format my blog in such a way that it is easier to read. Rather than it being one huge blog entry, I’m going to break it up by headlines, so to speak.

Time for an Amanda atheism rant on the bible and its prophetic roots:

I was watching this show on television this morning about biblical prophecies and codes within the bible. What can I say? I screamed at the television. Apparently, if you use computers to decipher the codes inside the bible, it’ll give you readings of the future that the bible otherwise, does not address. So, they set up the bible as a matrix and try to find certain phrases that foretell the future. The letters are equidistant, so for example: they would set the computer to pick out a letter after every ten letters. For this example, I will use Chapter 23 from Moby Dick, because 23 is my favorite number and this is my example:

When on that shivering winter’s night, the Pequod thrust her vindictive bows into the cold malicious waves, who should I see standing at her helm but Bulkington! I looked with sympathetic awe and fearfulness upon the man, who in mid-winter just landed from a four years’ dangerous voyage, could so unrestingly push off again for still another tempestuous term. The land seemed scorching to his feet. Wonderfullest things are ever the unmentionable; deep memories yield no epitaphs; this six-inch chapter is the stoneless grave of Bulkington.

And what did I get?

twiqhioaoarlIhidsadsraocesfos. eleuhnmeaipovg!

And if you turn to an anagram solver, this results:

a paradigmatical overfleshed heinous his iq woo so

See how pointless it is? Yeah. But you can confabulate this as much as you like, and receive a comprehensible answer.

… Another thing I realized was, all of the examples they used, only seemed to pertain to America. If God really did this whole prophecy thing, he would not centralize his thoughts around America. Another reason why this is the best case of confirmation bias.

Amanda rant on things pertaining to America, globalization, and immigration:

A few months ago, we were in California visiting my sick aunt. As we were there, CNN was reporting on the immigration rights protest, in which people did not go to work or go to school, to show how important our labor is to the well-being of America’s economy. My grandma’s sister’s daughter (I wonder what the term is for that.) had to leave work very early, seeing as she works at a newspaper, so she could beat the crowds because the protest started at ten or eleven.

I think Bush should grant amnesty to the illegal immigrants, because I see no fault in them being here in the first place. No, they may not pay taxes, but they benefit the economy even moreso than the other ethnic groups do, so it works out. All the illegal immigrants do the jobs white people don’t want to do. They do jobs that even black people don’t want to do.

The other thing that gets me so angry is that this is a result of NAFTA- if NAFTA were never signed, the immigration “problem” not be as intense as it is now. NAFTA was supposed to make their lives better; all it did was destroy their jobs, which made the trip over to the United States even more necessary.

Another thing that also makes me angry is… When are humans going to get past things like this? We need to get past this us-against-them complex, because who is to say that this will not happen with other countries as well? Is the relationship between the United States and Mexico going to evolve into one similar to Israel and Palestine?

The bottom line is- we aren’t hurting anybody, or at least, not any more than the other nationalities.

Adventures of the internet:
So, yeah. I’m going to document my travels as a web-troller. Enjoy.
39 Ways To Live and Not Merely Exist.
My favorite part is:

Pull away from Internet. You’re reading something on the Internet right now. And, with the exception of this article, it is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.

Just don’t forget to think about me and I won’t forget you

… “I’ll write you once a week she said. Why does it feel the same to fall in love and break it off? And if young love is just a game then I must’ve missed the kickoff. Don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything but I’d go through hell for you and, I haven’t been this scared in a long time, and I’m so unprepared, so here’s your valentine, bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody, this world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me!”

*sigh* Oh, blink… =(

I was on myspace today. A bit weird. People look at me funny whenever I’m on the website. But I commented people. But it’s not like I comment people I am actually really close to. It’s just like the whole thing with Christmas cards. But you’ve read my commentary of Christmas cards already =D

Top Ten Things Amanda is Currently in Love With:

1. The Format. The whole thing they have been doing lately is rad beyond words.
2. Uh. Certain awesome people =D
3. Myself. Because the more time I spend by myself, the more I realize how f***ing amazing I am. /narcissism
4. Summer. Just because it helps me break that habit in which I constantly question myself, period by period, as to which assignment is due the next day.
5. Solipsistic blogs like these, in which I can write whatever I want.
6. Awesome people at SciAm, because they just put up their magazine for free to download as well.
7. The Starting Line. Because now that I preordered their record, I am *this* much closer at owning it. *sigh*

Okay. So that was seven. But that does not rhyme.
The Earth Without Humans timeline. Be interested. And watch the video while you’re at it. And yeah, I totally laughed at the computer-simulated dude. I didn’t see it coming and started laughing. Really hard. Because I am that lame. Some dude commented this, and I’m not sure what to think of it:

“Although the intent is good, I am not in agreement with this film at all. I am horrifically worried that under pandemic, severe economic collapse, lengthy mass blackouts and so on, that hundreds of Nuclear Power reactors (both civilian and naval) would go unattended leaving to a melt down and raging fires that would (unlike Chernobyl) rage out of controle for years without anyone to put them out. All chemical storage facilities, tanker ships, pipelines, and oil wells under pressure would all probably kill EVERY LIVING THING on the planet with such toxic waste. You talk about plants growing and steel rusting, Um… there are far more serious consequences which can actually happen in pandemic situation. That is one reason I don’t believe in nuclear power. After the collapse of Russia their naval ships and storage facilities just sat unattended and became horrifically radioactive.”

So. Amanda’s pseudo-intellectual ramblings involving the universe and stuff:

• Actually, I have this theory of how the universe came into existence. (But then again, thanks to Freud… Somebody else has probably thought of this before. But whatever. I’m committing this to memory.) I was watching this show about certainty and quantum mechanics came up and they said that atoms come in and out of existence without cause. So, if the atoms came into existence, then, there you go, my fellow theists.
• I may not even know how the earth came into existence, but I am very sure there will be an end.
• I am so tired of theists acting like they know what they are talking about. The Book of Revelation was a critique of Nero’s empire. Nero was, indeed, the sixth emperor of Rome. The gematria value of 666 translates to Nero. It is so stupid how people believe that 666 is really an unlucky number.
• I doubt that humans will be completely extinct, though. Just because there are far too many of us. And, you know… Bomb shelters, dude.

I post too often. Maybe I should go out and buy some puzzles or something.

My thoughts send me on a carousel

… “ Here I am standing on my own, not a motion from the telephone, I know not a reason why, solitude’s a reason to die!”

Geez. I miss blink. I miss alot of old bands. But I definitely do not miss the Spice Girls. And sadly, people are saying the one band that defined the teeny bopper within my four-year-old body, is returning. I can hear it now:
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / Make it last forever friendship never ends / If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give /Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.”

I’ll tell you what I want. GTFO.

But anyways.

I’m going to the dentist today. And then we are going grocery shopping.

Yesterday, I was listening to this unreleased song called “Love” by the Cure. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. Dude, every line starts with “Love is… ” and then there’s a noun. Surprisingly enough, the noun varies. And then the chorus is all like, “Love is you. Love is you and me. Love is believing we are to be.” or something like that. I threw my arms in the air and punched my brother’s swiss ball. The swiss ball is a ninja so it was not affected. Then I got even angrier and started cursing. Then I felt better.
*ahem* But yah. I was very disappointed.

AH!!!!! Official TSL preorders… With a signed CD. And a t-shirt. Not sure if I’ll buy it. Mostly because preorders suck and the CD comes late. That’s what happened with Brand New’s record. Mmph. I feel so much closer to owning it!
… And I’m worried that if I preorder it now, Best Buy’ll end up adding five bonus tracks or something. Not to mention that Best Buy is so much cheaper.
… Actually, the band manager already said that other stores are going to have bonus tracks. Lame. But this means signed stuff! =(
… And dude, the t-shirt is really lame.
Oh, f*** it. I’ll preorder it. And now that I’m at the store, maybe I’ll get a TSL sweatshirt. Because I’d be awesome once I own a TSL sweatshirt.

/impulse shopper
_________________

Mmph. So, I think I should define my beliefs once more. In a list because lists are cool.

• The bible is a story, and should not be taken as fact.
• If you can pick and choose whichever parts of the bible are metaphorical, who is to say the creation of the earth is not a metaphor?
• The afterlife does not exist. You are no longer conscious after you die- this rule applies to non-believers and theists alike. The laws of nature will not change for you if you decide to believe in one thing or another.
• Fate does not, either.
•  I am not worried about being condemned to hell forever, because god is a man-made concept.
• I only believe in abstinence before marriage not because of religious beliefs, but because there are less problems that way.
• When I die, I do not care how you dispose of my body. I’ll be dead.
• Angels do not exist. Just because something good happened to you, it does not mean that you have to give credit to a divine being. Good things happen without divine intervention.
• Souls are not really there, either. Our consciousness does not correlate dualism.
• I don’t really believe in love, either. Love is a byproduct of evolution, and that is it.
•  And, of course, god does not exist. (I’ll quote Lorren here, “So, where is god? Is he hanging around Saturn or something?” xD)
• The devil (or the new name, “satan” (here, I’ll digress. The bible uses the term “devil”, but modern-day christians call the devil “satan”, instead. Are they getting a little embarrassed, here? The same thing applies to creation —> intelligent design.))  does not exist.
• Hell does not exist.
• Heaven does not exist.

Overall… Anything that implies divine intervention, I do not believe in.

[/rant]

I need you like water in my lungs

… “I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.”

My mother is supposed to cut my hair today. My brother is having a friend over. I am making tapioca pudding right now (from scratch, no doubt)

So, it’s time to conduct internet search part six, I believe. I’m off to venture the internets to find an awesome kirby game for SNES.

but omgz! As I was searching for super nintendo games, lo and behold- a Beavis and Butt-Head game. And a LOTR game. But the first one is cooler. I just wonder, what could that game include?

“You’ve got to help the mentally deficient duo score tickets to a GWAR concert, but the boys don’t have any cash to buy tickets. The idiots decide that taking pictures of themselves doing “cool stuff” will be enough to get them in free. In order to win the tickets you’ve got to guide Beavis and Butt-Head through four levels: “Highland High School,” the “Streets of Highland,” “Highland Hospital,” and “Turbo Mall 2000.” Each level requires you, as Beavis or Butt-Head (or both if you’re playing with a friend), to avoid enemies and solve puzzles. Once you reach the end of the game, prepare to square off against the members of GWAR themselves in a showdown of epic proportions.”

Today, I cleaned my room once more. I organized my fabric (most specifically, my scrap fabric) and my buttons. I love buttons. With a passion. If I had a million buttons, that would not be enough. Sadly, despite my love of buttons, I do not know what to do with them, really. Lame.

It seems Laurie is very bored at the location at which she is vacationing. She is actually using her e-mail address. Kind of.

So, I can proudly say that I have lost my 2004-2005 yearbook. And that I cried over it. I’ve done alot of crying over these past couple of weeks.

I’ll be blunt about it; he totally blew me off and it hurts. And I feel so stupid for finding offense in it. I mean- other people love me right now and I can’t even appreciate it. How terrible of a person does that make me? I suppose I deserve getting ninja-ed by a bicycle.

When I read the things I’ve written on here… It’s quite fascinating of how personal I get on here. But then again, nobody reads this. And even if people did, it wouldn’t matter. Because I made these people up.

So maybe it’s time for me to get emo for the first time in a very long time. Which is a good thing, I suppose. But I don’t know. Stress is a natural process which takes place whenever any kind of change occurs.

… It’s just that, I’ve been thinking alot about graduating. Not from the junior high, but from the high school. It’s going to happen sooner than I expect. And then I will no longer be a teenager, necessarily. And I’ll have to go to college. And get a job. And settle down someplace to “finish up my life”, so to speak.

And giving up my friends, more or less. And that will happen. I hate thinking of it. Oh, we’re all going to different colleges. And no matter how much effort you put into keeping in touch, it’ll eventually go away.

“I don’t know why, but we just stopped communicating.”

Oh, everybody’s going to do such great things. I really believe that. Although the abundance of the statement takes away meaning, I really think so.

I can’t imagine how somber that day is going to be, at least for me. It just won’t show up until the last twenty minutes.

… And with my father being away and everything, it’s so weird seeing my mother act this differently. I mean, she’s so cheery. And cuddly-wuddly. And just darned honest with things. I don’t know how to interpret that. Maybe she is like that with my father and when we are not around. Maybe she is displacing her loneliness with affection in excess.

… And you know, when I said these past three years were the best in my life… I take that back. I find that statement far too broad to describe my feelings. If you separate the good parts from the bad, the good parts were very good, while the bad were.. Very bad. And if you put them together to summarize it all, I don’t see them canceling each other out.

The best parts of 2004-2007:

1. Meeting Andrew McMahon
2. Getting on the radio
3. Going to Seattle with Daniella and Teagan
4. Summer school.
5. Making friends with everybody I know now
6. Maintaining most of the friendships throughout my junior high school career
7. Celebrating three more birthdays with Riza (both of ours alike)
8. The freshman dance xD
9. All the sleepovers with Megan/Karen/Riza/etc. Swt.
10. The Azteca field trips, sadly
11. Getting two ipods =D
12. Getting braces
13. Getting glasses
14. Going to California

Bad parts of 2004-2007:

1. My hamster dying
2. the whole self-mutilation thing
3. starting a whole new regimen of medication
4. all of the drama within the first year of junior high
5. All of the resulting stress from school, mostly this year
6. Going out with some dude. And then breaking up with him.
7. All the other crushes I had on dudes. Especially the one that completely messed up my eighth and ninth grade year.
8. The whole thing with Nick
9. The whole AR thing
10. Math classes.
11. Summer school.
12. Blink 182 breaking up =(
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Getting braces
15. Getting glasses

I’ve been waiting for this silence all night long

… “It’s just a matter of time to appear sad, with the same old decent lazy eye, fixed to rest on you.”

Today, WE CLEAN! And we mean it!

But uh, anyways. Tomorrow is Wednesday. “Wednesday is often referred to as “hump day” because of its position as the middle day of the work week.”

I woke up in a good mood this morning and abruptly made french toast, which turned out okay. I guess. That’s great- I can cook fettuccine alfredo; I can even cook a decent salmon; but I cannot make edible french toast. That really sucks.

I hate daytime television, but I ended up tuning into Veggietales. I just stared at the screen and hardly processed what it was throwing at me, and then I turned the television off and the darned song about rubber duckies was stuck in my head.

I cleaned my room today and accidentally set off the circuit breaker because I left the air conditioner on at the same time as the vacuum. Laaame.

But as I was cleaning everything, I saw some papers from seventh grade. Geez. Lorren’s handwriting hasn’t changed at all. Or the way she speaks. But I never realized that before.

I also found an old birthday invitation to Megan’s birthday party at this scrapbooking place. That was so much fun. That was one of the only times, however, that everybody hung out together at once, as a group, outside of school. It’s amazing how much fun I have with those people.

… Now that I think about  it, these last three years have been the best. It was somewhat dramatic, and stressful, but whenever I needed help, my friends were always there. And I never really had a group of people I could really depend on in the way that I do with my friends.  I just wish that we made more of an effort to stay together after seventh grade. We may still be friends now, but it’s not like it was before- it is pretty much broken up, instead of a group. It’s pretty much Lorren and Shelley, then Laurie, Megan and I. But maybe it was always that way and I hadn’t noticed.

At night I dream of reasons that I can’t let you go

… “ but I don’t know if it’s time to crack through your walls so thick that I can’t see past you. And last summer wasn’t enough for me and now that winter comes, the cold beats harder and no one is left alone… So don’t let fools be carried by what I say because the night keeps looking our way. And you’re not seeing what I’m missing ’cause I am missing you and I think that we should run as fast as we can into what we don’t know- it’s time to let me in because I feel just fine.”

Yeah, it’s a long quote. But it’s by Saves The Day so it’s all right.

I am… Extraordinarily bored and I feel I am wasting my youth. But anyways.

Maybe today is just yesterday at a slower pace.

I am dying for the new TSL release.

I got my picz back from Walgreens yesterday. I don’t think I’m going to post the picz with awesome people in it because they might be all offended that I went ahead and posted them on teh internets.

I have come to the conclusion that people should stop calling my house and take a damn hint.

I will be very lonely over the summer, and I believe I should make a to-do list (like last summer) as to what should happen. Enjoy:

1. Lorren and I shall rock the bookstore after she returns from her D.C. trip
2. Angela and Riza shall slumber at my house after they return from the D.C. trip
3. Allie and I shall view the movie 1401 ( I think that is what it is named) and she shall overcome my cries of devotion over John Cusack
4. Allie, Keisha and I shall venture out into the world to celebrate my birthday once more
5. I vow to get to know Kendra more. She just posted a blog on myspace… Against theism. She can have my babies. (Except for the fact that I totally know that she got it off of 95% Of You Are Morons, but I rest my case.)
6. I will listen to:

• Blink’s untitled record
• MCS’s Commit This To Memory
• All three of Soco’s records
• TSL’s Based on a True Story

Heh. There. Uh, now I do not know what to say. Laaaaame.

So. I have not been able to think about much. Amazingly, my boredom occupies me.

And so the pain I am feeling is this interesting yellow color. I suppose it is just because I feel it all the time. But on my leg, it’s this neat purple-tinged white.

Boredom is a cloudy, lavender feeling. It’s almost like when I am ill, because it is something that is all around me.

The dejection I felt on Friday was this weird dark blue that seemed to be falling off an edge in sheets. It looked cool, I guess, except for the fact that I was heartbroken at the time.

It’s so cool knowing that I live in a completely different world from everyone else, although, I cannot imagine living in a world other than this one.

I guess I do have motion -> sound synesthesia. It’s really neat when there are animations on the screen or something and I can hear it even though the sound is off. Like that .swf file I posted earlier. It makes this cool *chk chk chk* noise. But it kind of swoops. The *chk chk chk* noise is a small white wave of sorts that floats around in the air. Very cool.

A stopped clock is right twice a day

Dude! BABY JESUS SHARK RETURNS!!!

Yesssssssssssss.

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• death (8x)
• suck (6x)
• hell (5x)
• hurt (4x)
• dead (3x)

Hahaha. I cannot believe that.

Woah. But anyways.

I am utterly bored living inside this house right now. I started reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I may as well get started on it because the new book is coming out soon. I am going to read the newest book as quickly as I can without any outside interferences because I do not want to know who dies (and you know everybody is going to be talking about it. That is how I found out that Dumbledore died. Before I even opened the book.)

… Harry is totally going to die.

I love atheists!  =D

OMGZ! I couldn’t find a way to post it here, but it’s so cute! I was squeeing for about ten minutes after I saw it. Srsly.

… Uh, dude? I have no idea as to what this uncyclopedia thing is for, but it’s pretty darned interesting to read. To be honest, every single page is offensive to one group of people or another.

*ahem* but anyways.

My bruise is purplish yellow. It looks really punk.

I may post again later. Because I can.

And if you believed I was right, we need a new gameshow

… “And if you believed he was wrong, we obviously need a new referee. And if you believe in every little thing I had told you, maybe you should have believed in every big thing I told you, instead. I miss you, too.”

I am too weird, to come up with poetic phrases like the above, in three seconds- and you can SO tell. xD

Yeah, it’s my second blog. But time for awesome picz! (click on them to make it bigger =D)

… I need to get out more.

And one last thing..

I was reading this bio about Man Bites God, and right at the end, they stuck this in. I laughed myself into a coma (but I’m conscious enough to write about it):

But enough about them… let’s talk about you. This might not be the time or place, but you are the most beautiful visitor we’ve ever had at this site. This may sound crazy, but I long to kiss you. Please my love, press your wet lips to your monitor until your lovely spittle makes the screen all streaky… oohhh… God yes… hmm… anyway, Man Bites God are really quite good.

Because where we’ve been is who we were

…”We started wrapping our regrets in cloth, are you defined by all the things you want? Or did you get caught up in the things that we are not? You were born to believe you can’t get lost, so when you’d run you’d always run too far.”

I love Swans by The Format. They just did this acoustic thing for AOL, with Swans on it *faints*

Uh. So I can hardly walk. But I’m just complaining. My mommy gave me pizza. Now I know she cares. But that was yesterday, and today she’s making me clean her dishes and make my brother and his friend breakfast. Lame. Totally shafted.

I watched a documentary last night called The Yes Men, which is about this group of dudes who posed as people from the World Trade Organization and went to conferences and such and told people what the WTO has actually accomplished. It was a really great anti-corporate movie, I can’t wait until I get more of them.

My mother is overwhelmingly dramatic now that my father is gone. Nothing gets done around the house and I am left to clean it up. I can’t stand it. We may have the same mental disorder; we may even take the same medication (or none at all, if you get my drift)- but we handle things completely differently and I cannot stand how she lives. I agree with my father in the sense that the household cannot function with out him. I am thoroughly against my mother’s co dependence on him because he is a man and she feels she cannot do anything since she is a woman.

Mmph. I can’t wait until I can go to summer school; at least it means that I get an opportunity out of this house. I wish I could drive; but mom and dad said that I can get my permit next year because blah blah blah. I hate their excuses for these kinds of things. I know they love me; blah blah blah; but it’s so frustrating!

So. I’m crippled for the first day of summer vacation.

Whatever. I have little else to do since I am making breakfast for myself, so here are the adventures of a lowly web-troller. Enjoy.

I love how reasonable theists can be. The article is pretty darned funny, though:
“A South Carolina library system has closed down its summer programs for young adults after receiving threats and allegations that it was trying to promote “witchcraft” and “drug use.”

The Pickens County Library System’s half-hour summer programs for middle and high school students were supposed to take a light-hearted look at the topics “Secrets and Spies: How to Keep a Secret by Writing in Code or Making Invisible Ink” and “What’s Your Sign?” Another program was to examine astrology, palmistry, and numerology; and others were to feature tarot cards, tie-dying t-shirts, how to make a Zen garden, and yoga.”

Cool picz.

And here’s some awesome science graffiti.(it was too big to actually post here.)

Yeah. Swt.

I want food. There’s a spider on the ceiling. My bruises on my leg are dark purple. They look really hardcore and a little cinematic. It’s raining like hell outside (ironic.)

Oh, the preorders for TSL are a-coming! I cannot wait! But considering the fact that it’ll be really cheap at like best buy or something… Lame. I’m going to have to wait. I’m going to die. I swear it.

Aurora Borealis from space.

So here’s a present to let you know I still exist

… “A sip for every second-hand tick, and for every time you fed me the line, “you mean so much to me…” I’m without you. It’s 8:45, the weather is getting better by the hour, I hope it rains there all the time.”

I slept over at Megan’s house. And I can proudly say, thanks to inertia, that I got ninja-ed by a damn bicycle. I feel like an idiot. So I have now suffered my second biking accident in my entire life. It’s pretty embarrassing, but it was so hardcore. AND I hid it from her mother. Swt.

… Actually, it wasn’t that bad. It still hurts really badly. But I did not cry over it. I TOOK IT LIKE A MAN!

… Compare that to the massive amount of crying I managed to conjure up a few hours before as I left school.

Dear you:

I really wish I never met you. I want to hear you sad. I want you to feel every single time you have hurt me without knowing it. And I want to hate you as much as I hate myself for not hating you. I want you to realize how important you are to me. I cried over you more than I had when I actually was physically hurt. Doesn’t that symbolize how far you run? I can’t think of you without crying. I cried over your picture, but nobody will know that. You will never know that. You don’t care at all.

I was waiting for you all day long. I even cried when you were away. And then you came and I was suddenly so happy. And then I felt the same.

To hell with penises. (penii?)

*ahem*

Anyways.

I took picz at school yesterday. I’m getting them developed right now. I wonder how terrible they will turn out. Because disposable cameras suck. Really badly. But whatever. At least I took picz.

The Format is going to release their record, Dog Problems, for free on their website on Tuesday to download. I love these dudes. They were planning on it before, but it’s really happening. Sadly, I already own it.

So now I’ve made the decision

… “To walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life, because it’s too scarred and bloody to be enough, and I don’t have the right stuff- all I have are the empty boxes to carry away your heart.”

Today was alot of fun. We did yearbook signing all day long. Hence, picz.

I signed Logan’s yearbook this morning. I hope he is here tomorrow so he can sign mine. I said something along the lines of “Everybody probably tells you this, but I’ve always wanted to get to know you better”.. Etc. It just didn’t sound that pathetic.

I enjoyed reading everything people told me. I just feel like I have heard it all before. And I suppose this cynicism is brought about just because today reeked of finality.

“This will be the last time I… “

And tomorrow is the last day! Last year I didn’t cry on the last day. But I have a feeling that I might tomorrow. I don’t understand why, though. My friends are still going with me up to the high school, so everything should be just fine. And yet I feel all melancholic.

I guess it’s just that I won’t see most of them during the summer. I guess.

Megan told me today that I am going to be a philosopher. She said that I will. She made it sound all great. The sad thing is, I made this world up so it doesn’t matter.

Yesss. The album art is out for Directions. I am so psyched. Oh, July, why won’t you come sooner? I’m thinking of pre-ordering it, because I am so looking forward to this.

My birthday is coming up in less than a month. I need to figure out stuff.

… You know what I said earlier about Adbusters? Yeah. Here’s the excerpt (I’m doing it word-for-word. Yeah, the beginning of sentences should be capitalized. It annoys me, too.):

” We kill ourselves slowly, by eating too much or too little, becoming fat or anorexic, or diabetic. physically and psychologically we whither away in our culture of collective self-absorption and material sloth. and our boundless, insatiable greed now threatens to drag the entire planet down with us.

meanwhile, in our eyes, the islamist suicide bomber has come to epitomize “the terrorist”, a modern savage, a psychopathic degenerate utterly disconnected from any redeeming social or moral values. yet, in fact, this “other” is a man whose life revolves around the mosque, daily prayer, restrained dress, moderate fasting, a tight-knit family and community. When pushed to the limit, a committed muslim may decide to sacrifice his own life, his own body, for what he sees as a greater social and spiritual good. which one of us in the west will do this now?

this is the existential divide.”

Ah. That really made me think.

 NO! I was watching this show yesterday night and the dude on the television said, “About 94% of the universe is missing.” (They counted atoms or something… It turns out, atoms do not thrive throughout the entire universe. There’s stuff like black matter and black energy… Really complex stuff.) Dude! Not only is the earth more insignificant than we originally thought, my existence is even more insignificant than I originally thought!

ex·is·ten·tial·ism     
n.   A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one’s acts.

Gah! Okay, so here are my current thought processes:

- it does not matter if my existence matters or not because this is the only chance I get at experiencing anything in the first place. Whether I matter or not, I will be dead and not be able to realize it.

- So, then, why does it matter to me? Pondering the idea is so pointless!

- I wonder if everybody else is thinking of this. Probably not, because I went so hardcore with it.

-  I suppose this was brought about just because *gasp* we’re going up to the high school. I’m three-quarters of the way through with it. All of it. This is the death of part of my life.

 *ahem*

But anyways. We only have two classes tomorrow. And then the assembly and then we leave.  My little brother is graduating tomorrow. And yet he does not want to attend his graduation, either, and does not want to have anybody sign his yearbook. I do not understand. He is so much more social than that. But then again, I didn’t stay after. I wish I kind of did, but I was very anti-social. It’s just that there will be people he will not see again for a very long time (or, he’d just never see them again) and I suppose making an effort to stay in touch would be a good idea.

Mmph.

… And when I think about life and how I had expected myself to be when I turned fourteen, when I was a freshman, are the exact opposite of who I am now. I’m not sure if that is a good thing. I suppose it is, since I would hate to be the epitome of a ten-year-old’s idealism.

Out of nowhere, this came into my head:

“Let’s clean the floor together!”

Oh, and I realized this.. It’s so awesome:

Because I am an atheist, I do not have to have a proper wedding.

F*** yeah. So, my wedding will consist of:

- Everybody dressing up as a president/first lady/mythical creature of my choosing

- One person dressing up as Cheney and shooting somebody else (who is dressed up as Harry Whittington) with a water pistol, but the water pistol will be filled with heavy cream. Haha. Innuendos.

- We will be married by a dude dressed up as Zelda

- We will have wedding vows which admit the following:

• Pi equals three
• Women are inferior to men
• God made women first
• God killed his own son as a result of his “ultimate plan”
• God plans every single abortion and murder
• God is outside of time and therefore we cannot know him
• If you “knew” somebody in the bible, it implies sexual intercourse (seriously.)
• We are inside of time and there is no reason to believe in something “outside of time” since nobody has ever seen him
• The Virgin Mary was a w****.
• I created the universe a week ago and memory is an illusion

- Our wedding bands will be replaced with USB drives in the shape of Darth Vader

- We will be married in Costco

- We will dress up a pygmy marmoset as a Myopic Sasquatch Rockette, and give this to each other as a sign of our love:

A dollar under water keeps on dreaming for me.

… “ This time it’s on my own, minutes from somewhere else.
Somewhere, I made a wish with Lucky Denver Mint!”

Bowling alley french fries suck.

Finally, they came out with the study about the music preferences and activity within the brain. I’m not that enthused because I have been wanting that study about preferences and personality, but I suppose this will have to suffice. I’ve been waiting forever for this, yet I am not reading it. Weird. And even after this realization, I feel motivation because I am writing right now.

We went to St. Vinnie’s after school today to find Super Nintendo games. There were none. But I was not disappointed since I bought this book I have been eyeing for a couple of weeks now (Body-Mind and Creativity… It’s a really old book; it was published in 1954. Okay, not that old, but still.) and a textbook on anthropology AND a book on the brain! Oh, the excitement!

Ah, school is ending! It is all I have managed to think about (among other things) and I’m pretty sure it is what everybody else is thinking about, too.

I was watching this thing on television and the stupid narrator kept using the adjective, “catastrophic”. I screamed at the television, “STOP USING THAT WORD!” and my mother asked me what I was talking about. And then she told me that yelling at the tv “really helps”. I then proceeded to pout.

Yesssss. It’s a crossword puzzle first filled out by a scientist, and then a creationist. F*** yeah.

Hehe.

AND I PRESENT TO YOU, COOL PICZ. (And no, not Amanda picz. Hopefully, if my HTML is right, you can click the image to see the original. If you have the time, I highly recommend seeing the pictures on this dude’s blog, because they are nothing short of any cliche phrase.)

Uh, yeah. With that wonderful segue, I have to tell you- I love travelling. If only I had the means. I would love to actually experience “life”. Because I get the feeling that staying here is not really experiencing it. My parents would never allow me, and that thought depresses me.

Next to you’s a very nice place to go

… “Countdown to the disappointment, “I’m yours tonight!”

I feel quite emo today. No particular reason why, but I do. Lame. I can be emo with a reason, and it’ll be fine; but when there is no reason to feel that way, I feel absolutely stupid. I’m walking myself crazy.

And with that wonderful segue, I believe I should get a Delorean. Yes. The doors open like *spew* at the top. It’s swt. It’s hip. It’s like owning your very own spacemobile. Envy me.

… Forget about that whole drug bust with the dude who came up with the Delorean. That’s just hardcore. I need a hardcore car. Woot!

My math final was surprisingly easy. But, I’m still not convinced of a high grade. Because in doing so, I am psychologically preparing myself of something that will not happen. Lame.

I have my science final tomorrow. Also lame. I took a nap today, just to avoid studying for it because, dare I say it… I hate science.

Top Ten Reasons Why Being an Atheist is Amazing:

1. I do not have to worry about Heaven or Hell because I believe in neither of them

2. I am not dedicating my life to an imaginary person

3. I do not have to waste my life by going to church

4. I do not need to have regular conversations with god

5. I do not need to make excuses for god

6. I’m a rational thinker!

7. Every good thing I do, I can give credit to myself

8. Every good thing that happens to me, is not part of an ultimate plan- which makes it even more special

9. I’m not all that close-minded

10. I type with literacy, man.

Forget about the whole, “everybody believes I am a devil child/I have to deal with everybody else’s gullibility/ people forget about how great I am because it no longer counts since this doctrine overrules all” thing.

School is actually almost over. I turned in all of my books. But, sadly, I have absolutely nothing to carry around in my arms as I walk. It feels really funky.

I want lumpia. *le sigh*

oh! So today we did this voting thing in Spanish, in which we voted people as “the most ____”. I got: “La mas graciosa de la clase”. People thought they were voting me as the most gracious, but “graciosa” really means “funny”. Shows how much we really learn in that class.

gra·cious (grā’shəs)
adj.

1. Characterized by kindness and warm courtesy.
2. Characterized by tact and propriety: responded to the insult with gracious humor.
3. Of a merciful or compassionate nature.
4. Condescendingly courteous; indulgent.
5. Characterized by charm or beauty; graceful.
6. Characterized by elegance and good taste: gracious living.
7. Archaic Enjoying favor or grace; acceptable or pleasing.

I suppose that’s okay, too.. Actually, I don’t care about it at all; I just thought it was really ironic.

I feel kind of poetic right now.
Dear You:

I am torn between myself and my future ghost; I feel I am living this lie although it hasn’t even been said yet, and if I were to rightly choose, it’d be over before it could begin. And I will not see either of them purposefully over these next couple of months; I have the feeling I will never see them again at all, so thinking of it has no point whatsoever.

It’s getting so adorable now. But I end up separating yourself from yourself even though there is no difference at all. We are just a darker font when our words are recorded.  And for some reason, I think if you were anybody else, I would be so much happier about this. And for some reason, I would be so melancholic if it weren’t you. And I cannot believe, even now, how I could possibly hold such significance to a single person in this way. This has happened before, but I’m living it now. And I didn’t even audition for this. You were the only person I actually felt did not fall for constant flirtatiousness. So I was never like that with you. And I’m scared to death that by some weird set of circumstances that you would read this. Whoever I am writing to, I’m not sure. But if you think it is you, it probably is.

And it’s more of a cooled relation now, although it’s getting so much cuter. It’s not an infatuation now. To label the term means labelling the situation; which adds or takes away the significance, and out of hopes of the latter not happening, I guess I will avoid it.

I love you!

My heart hangs from this noose

… “like your footsteps in crowded rooms, this is what you imagine. Catch a glimpse from an empty stare hidden eyes behind your auburn hair it’s just as it should be… Broken glass on the porcelain, this is what you imagine. We’ll forget what we used to say, and our lives won’t mean anything, it’s just as it should be.”

Hah. “Odysseus dresses up as a hobo.” Haha. It was so worth wasting five hours of my life having to hear the book being said, just to hear my teacher say that. (Not really.)

Anyways, this whole thing about The Odyssey is very boring, but it was neat to read up on Greek anthropology as I was at it.. Up until they started talking about pederasty. That was a bit awkward.

Geez. I was watching this show on the age of the Earth, and this dude used this metaphor… He had a baby picture on the table, and he said that every two millimeters behind it would equal ten years or something like that. And then he said he was going to go “back in time” to the creation of the earth, and he ended up going from New York to California, and California equalled the “creation of the earth”. Can you imagine? One person’s existence- my existence (hey, I’m a solipsist, I can be as selfish as I want since everybody else’s existence is a mere phantom of my creation)- means nothing at all; we are just a tiny slice of time and space in the major scheme of things (hence, the subtitle of my blog. Actually, that was there before I even watched this, but whatever.)

… And then I thought of how this is all made up. And then I realized that it does not matter how tiny I am compared to everything else- because this is my experience, and mine alone; if I didn’t exist, neither would the universe. Swt.

… But isn’t everyone *kind of* a solipsist? If you were Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future Part Three, and you got in a fight with that other cowboy dude, if he died, the sun would come up the next day; if you died, wouldn’t you expect for the sun not to rise the next day? Reality is defined through experience, because there is no other way to truly define it, according to qualia.

Qualia is a philosophical concept which means, essentially, that a thing one person experiences may be totally different from another person’s experience, but there is no way to prove this because these experiences are given names, and that is the only way one can describe the experience.

Example: Two people may be claiming to “see red”, but everybody’s color receptors are different- so one person maybe experiencing a color, but it was just labeled as red when they first started learning how to speak, so their “red” may be completely different from somebody else’s “red”.

Geez. I feel very morbid. I need to lighten up my spirits:

The Life and Times of Abraham Lincoln Proceeding His Death

Abraham Lincoln was killed by a roadside bomb in Pakistan. Supposedly. But new evidence says otherwise. Observe Abraham Lincoln walking around Antarctica:

Abraham decided it was not safe to reveal his true name, given all the skeptics and mean people who did not believe in his existence in the first place, so he went under an assumed name. Actually, he had alot of assumed names during his afterlife:

Harry Potter

Pubert Picklecopter

Pumpernickel Quetzelcoatl

Señor Poñyta (He liked his pokemans)

Mr. Wizard

Mr. Wonderbottom

 

… These are only the tip of the iceberg (ha! Puns!)

And do you think I forgot about poor little Mrs. Lincoln? I did not. She lives in Argentina, and feeds dolphins. She is not aware of her husband’s real existence, and quite frankly, she does not care. She is madly in love with a lovely young man. I am not aware of this young man’s name, I believe he is named Pancho, but, I digress. This young man is beautiful, and he has opened up a universe for homely little Mrs. Lincoln (or, as of August 22nd, Mrs. RainbowPoñy.) as one would expect from a little man who looks like this:

 

ANYWAYS! Back to Amanda, bringing the awesome and unexpected by acting totally intelligent:

… Actually, before that, you know what makes Amanda feel like she is on amphetamines? Yes, The Starting Line is shooting a video for Islands! *teeny bopper scream*

But, sadly, here is my prediction: The Starting Line is going to get tons of attention because they are on a new record label, and they are going to promote them like no band has been promoted before, since they were so shafted during their Based on a True Story era. So, uh, they’re goin’ mainstream. I will be annoyed, but my loyalty to this band will not falter.

Eh. Bright Eyes is going to be on the television on the twentieth; and with that wonderful segue…

Conor Oberst:

Emo spiderman:

Do you see a difference? I think not.

 

*ahem*

So, humans access one another by their physical attractiveness. But how do humans access beauty?

I was reading about this theory… It’s so neat! Essentially, these people were saying that humans have this formula of sorts encoded in their genes, that (in order to carry out evolutionary process) determines how you see beauty. Your idea of beauty is brought about by nature combining your genes with a potential mate’s genes, therefore determining the outlook of your offspring. The fascinating thing is, the combination of these traits increase your offspring’s chances of carrying out their evolutionary process! Isn’t that so spectacular?

Sure, there was another theory of how symmetry is beautiful… But the other theory is way cooler.

I am such a nerd.

 

 

This is the first day of my life, I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

… “But now I don’t care, I could go anywhere with you and I’d probably be happy”

Before I get going here, Lorren- look at the top right-hand side of my blog! The password is the last name of our first period teacher, all in lowercase. To save, you do know to use right-click –> save as, right?

WordPress is cool, but not that cool. The layouts suck, and in order to change and save the CSS code, you have to pay for it. Lame.

Oh, and I made an awesome page next to Lorren’s link stuff about corn. I made it on paint, because me and Kai were talking about something relating to corn over the internet and I couldn’t find another way to show it to him. Photobucket sucks so I uploaded it here. But yeah, now everybody can see it. It took me forever and a day to do the last one.

We were supposed to spend today cleaning. And so far, we haven’t. I do not expect that we will any time soon. I love how my family operates. My mother always has this thing about cleaning the house the first weekend my father is away. Sometimes she is really hardcore about it, but today she is not. I wonder what next weekend is going to be like.

My mother and I, once more, feuded over how I should read about god and godlessness equally. She does not understand that every single time I try, I end up pissing myself from the amount of laughter I endure. I guess I’m going to need new underthings.

I suppose she thinks I am an atheist because of ignorance. Or, as she says, “narrow-mindedness”.

Why can’t she see that reading about theism is not going to change my mind? I’ve given theism a shot. And I couldn’t stand the ridiculousness of it all.

ridiculous - completely devoid of wisdom or good sense

… And that I cannot stand the monotony of it all? They go in circles the entire time.  And, understand the stupidity- humans are supposedly bad people, and God, who is supposed to be better than we are, is anthropomorphic.

Even though I have mentioned this a few times, I think I should formally declare it:

I am a solipsist. The universe exists only because I exist.  Hmm.

“When I die, I would hope to think I had watched a really great movie. “

I feel egotistical right now, and quite silly, so…

I’m so awesome, there are a bajillion manifestations of myself “living” because of me. And I’m so awesome, that all the other awesome people I know, are just awesome parts of me.

I’m f***ing amazing.

The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

… “ And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did. It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, because what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is. What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated.”

I found out how to use my Super Nintendo. Forget about these next paragraphs; I have tons to do this weekend.

I have very little homework to attend to this weekend. I need to find something to do, because if I just sit around and think, I believe I will walk myself crazy.
So, maybe I will make myself a pinhole camera. But, to make it, I need film, and I do not think we have any. Or at least any that is usable. Anyways, if I figure it out, I may as well make one for Anthony as well, since he’s into this kind of stuff. I want to make somebody happy!
Or maybe I’ll just sew something for myself. I want something new today, and since the chance of going out is very low, I may as well create something.
Actually… Maybe I’ll just play Kirby all afternoon. When you swallow the enemies, you get the cutest and most awesome Kirby skills you can imagine.

Is that, or is that not the cutest Kirby you have ever laid your eyes upon?

AH! PARASOL KIRBY!

*ahem*

*Speaks in British accent* But anyways.

Time for Amanda to rant against theism. Again.

I still cannot believe how gullible everybody is about this. I turned the TV on, and there is a huge block of channels dedicated to religion. And there are people on there reading from the bible and saying how great it is. And I think of how  ridiculous these people are- reading it out loud and believing every word they say- and then I realize how most people in the world are this way.

… And if they think evolution shouldn’t be taught in school, heliocentricism (the “belief” that the earth rotates around the sun) or (the people who take it so literally) that the earth is round, then why teach geometry and everything that branches from it? The bible says that π equals three.

Christianity must be the most well-disguised cult ever created.

Excerpt from journal #6 and #7

11-2-06

Logan and I talked today, for the first time in a long time. I told him so, and talked about how we hardly have classes together anymore. He actually said, “I miss you, Amanda.” He said it in a serious tone. I returned the favor, but in a joke-y way. I really wish I didn’t say it like that. Little does he know.

4-17-07

Tuesday

We WASL’d today. I am so against the whole WASL thing, I hate everything it represents.

This morning, Shelley was flirting with this boy I like. She knows I like him. I can’t believe myself- everything I feel and believe right now goes against everything I believed within the last year. I feel hurt.

I love my life. I have everything I would have ever dreamed and more. Everyone tries so hard to make me happy. I feel very guilty, though- I wish I could take back every time I said “I hate my life”, or when I even complained. All those times when I felt such melancholy were so insignificant. Once you learn to appreciate the things and people in your life, everything else is satisfactory. It makes school (just barely!) tolerable…. And with him. I think he has caught onto the fact that I glance back at him (not too much!) and he definitely does not like me back, but he returns the favor. Definitely just to see if I’m looking at him. But I think that attention is all I really need.

I was talking to him yesterday morning. It was so pathetic- I ignored every word he spoke, and focused on his mere existence, as well as his temporary devotion. I suck.

Ah! Diary, I know this is really pointless to write, but I”m running out of options here. My self esteem is suffering so much here.. But do you think he could love me, possibly?

I understand “diary” hardly exists. Or any other divine being or deity. I feel quite stupid even requesting it to nothingness, which has no authority over any circumstance. But being the solipsist that I am, I hope this will help me truly make this uncontrollable situation somewhat malleable.

I guess I am really losing my mind. If he but knew! I adore him more than he will ever know. I know this is foolish, but I honestly believe I would be the happiest person on earth if he loved me back. Oh, but it’ll never be me. Secondary.