So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars

… “And please if you got a minute, enjoy this lonely sky with me, it’ll swallow us whole if we only let it. If I could only see you now for about an hour.”

Today was just as eventful. I don’t know, either. I hope this is not considered betrayal to all the things that never happened.

Anyways, I got my science test back and I got a seventy three on it. At least there will be an extra credit test later on in the year, because I think I will really need it.

I feel so split in half, lately. I’ve been trying so hard to combat confirmation bias, but in every situation, I find very good arguments. Although, these arguments are against one another and it makes it very difficult to make any decision. I don’t know. I have had tons to think about today, but none of these concepts I truly want to discuss.

I’m sending the rain your way

… “Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping… Kill the messenger, I swear it’s not me, it’s someone I used to know, and go to church, because you’re a good girl, and I never told you that.”

Today was rather eventful. Although it was only one or two truly outstanding events, it really stood out to me. And I won’t clarify much, but this is my rant (you probably know about it, anyways.):

1. I’m not sure what to think, really. I love him to death in the friendliest manner but I do not and have not had any desire towards him. Okay, the thought has arisen once or twice, but I’m not sure.

2. Why should this happen when we have less than a month left of school?

3. No.

4. This is completely evolutionary and has no value to me, yet I cannot stop smiling. I do not understand why I care so much about this. There is no meaning to any of this. I am not adding sentiment to this, but my body still seems to respond.

5. I do not understand why. I hardly know him. We make each other laugh, alot, and I am always happy whenever I even see him. But we never talk about our personal lives.

6. I already have a major crush on somebody else. Major crush on somebody else.

7. Maybe she just heard wrong.

8. Maybe this is just a really obnoxious joke.

9. Considering the other people he has dated, what should that say about me? *shudder*

10. He’s Catholic. Uh. I can be friends with Catholics and tolerate that. But the second I bring up atheism, he’ll talk about God and Jesus and sound like a moron. I can’t date a moron. Or at least a smart dude who believes in mythical beings. a. But then again, the second he mentions Catholicism, I’d probably debate him. b. But this can apply to anybody.

11. What if I mess it up? How long has this been going on?

12. Why is it that people of this height seem to be attracted to me?

13. He’s an anime dude. Uh.

14. He does not seem to like music at all.

15. This is really stupid.

But anyways. I bought shoes today. They are pretty nice, but really f****** tall, so I’m going to have to break them in. I do not think I will ever wear these shoes again.

I also progressed on my dress, so I’m about 3/4 done. Moreso than that, actually, because all I have to do is add embellishments/find some way to hem it without adding bulk.

I believe I will have a panic attack. Soon. Seriously. I don’t know, I just really want to lay down and cry. I feel, at the risk of sounding cliche, like my body is going to fall apart at any second. And I’ve been feeling that way for the past week, but I haven’t really found a way to say it. It’s physically exhausting to hold it all back. I’m so tired of my mood. I really want the world to leave me alone. I have not felt this way in a very long time. I feel there is nobody I want to be around right now for comfort.

My father is retiring soon. This means that there will be such differences around here within the next year. I hate sounding so pityful, I’m sorry.

Tell everyone if you want to be the one he was thinking of

… “You are the only thing, the only thing that he has left… In later hours when the packed bars start spitting cowards, they’re picking scars, cell phones clenched along the sidewalk, they usually stay out of our way. The bridge and tunnel just seems to escape near our home.”

This morning, I went to class early to correct my homework. Seeing as I was the only person in the room, my teacher and I participated in small talk. It’s so weird with me, because when I’m in situations like that, I have to make an effort to keep the conversation going. I suppose it’s a natural inclination for me to be short with people, I don’t know, but I try to avoid one-word answers. The conversation was nice, but all I can say is it took alot of effort to keep it going.

I have a science test tomorrow and I feel very unprepared. At least I will have a period to do whatever in math, which is something I look forward to. Substitutes in math is absolutely awesome because the teachers have no knowledge of the course at all.

I am experiencing existentialism at the worst time ever. Geez, despite what I had said before, I doubt I will ever completely rid myself of solipsism, either. Lame. I feel those two words (yes, the big ones) are connected, really. Gah.

I am still stressed out over AR, considering Riza’s mother is starting to add pressure on me. She’s not even my mother. This morning, she made sure I had read this weekend. Of course, I did, do you think I want to take PE during the school year? Why is it that every adult I know seems to believe this? Give me more credit than that. And no, mother, I did not take an AR test today. If I did, it would be the first thing I would tell you once I got in the car so you would stop asking me that godforsaken question.

And one more rant, only on the life and times of Jesus Christ.

1. Jesus never existed.

2. If he did exist, why is it that there is no written record of him or the supposedly amazing thing he did? At all? There was this dude named Philos who wrote on the account of Jews, who specialized in religion and lived when Jesus apparently did. He never mentioned Jesus.

He actually ruled out the existence of a son of God. ( “And even if there be not as yet any one who is worthy to be called a son of God, nevertheless let him labour earnestly to be adorned according to his first-born word, the eldest of his angels, as the great archangel of many names; for he is called, the authority, and the name of God, and the Word, and man according to God’s image, and he who sees Israel.” - Philo, “On the Confusion of Tongues,” (146))

3. No, the Gospels do not count. Note the fact that they were written thirty five to forty years after Jesus apparently died, and was not an eyewitness account. Some people date them even later than that, from around the second century.

4. Realize this- people believed in a Jesus before the Gospels were even written. These people are believed to have been in a cult, in which they believed in a Jesus in a more spiritual sense, and this cult revolved around “Jesus”.

/rant

I have not eaten much today. I’ve been feeling really weird, actually, although I’m not sure if it is synesthetically connected or not. Which sucks. I am way too impatient today.

At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught

… “I think in decimals and dollars, I am the cause to all your problems, I am everything the other boys promised, oh, it hurts to be this good.”

We went to Uwajimaya today. I now own some Ramune =D

I woke up at two this morning and despite taking my sleeping meds, I still couldn’t sleep. Terrible.

I finished my final draft of my practice dress and am about to cut into my pretty fabric. It’s terrible, though, because I bought four yards of the stuff and hardly need one. Oh, well, the fabric is beautiful!

Tomorrow is school, again. On Wednesday, I have a science test. I wonder if I’ll have a math quiz. I need to go into class early and correct my homework, but my teacher is never there.

I finished reading Fahrenheit 451 today, so I can take my AR test. It’s a relief, but it’s also painful to think about. This whole thing is so stressful already, and my parents are not helping at all. For that reason, I really wish I never told them about this in the first place. I knew I’d regret it, but not this much. So I’ve more or less decided to keep them out of my school life, no matter the cost. Because this is not worth it. I only told them out of fear, too. Terrible.

Just wait one minute more

… “Because my heart is halfway torn and you’re already gone.”

I did laundry today. And homework. Lame. I worked on my practice dress for about… Three minutes. I then concluded such activity was lame and I could do it later. YAY FOR PROCRASTINATION!!

The best thing yet is that I have the day off tomorrow to READ. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my opposition to staying around the house with absolutely nothing to do is, indeed, reading. Thanks.

Uh. I feel awesome. With my background in psychology, I realize simple answers to things make me sound smart, or that I “think outside the box”. Observe:

Mother, father and I were watching a thing about the Exxon oil spill. Father said the fishermen had nothing to worry about because they could have settled down somewhere else. Mother said something about the fish being gone. Oh, but I said that the fishermen did not have the MEANS to move somewhere else and the Exxon oil spill affected other areas than Cordova, Alaska. It is also psychologically more difficult to admit defeat. I pwn.

Oh, I also realized that I am the hugest hippie ever.And that Kirby is f****** awesome.

… Except when you reach level four, have to get offline, and when you log back in later, you find that have to start back at level one.

… And when you have apple pie to eat, finally, and you feel you have eaten way too much today and have to refuse. (Actually, no, I’m going to eat it very soon. I deserve it. Hehe.) OMGZ! Apple pie has to be baked for an hour! Wah.

Is that dress adorable? I’m not sure. The ruffle at the bottom does not seem to work at all. Or maybe I’m just not a frill person!

*ahem* but anyways. Hmm. I feel I need certain things for freshman to accompany my dress. BUT DARN IT! I don’t dig the concept much. Shopping for shoes absolutely sucks when you’re only going to wear them once! GAH!

YAY! I like this dress, but it is not for me. *frowns*

hehe. Jesus touches himself.

hehe. JESUS WANTS YOU!

ALIEN JESUS!

I can see it now- Jesus captured on To Catch a Predator. Pwned. *chikapow*

TAMAGOTCHI!!! Woot!

I’m your brother’s sworn enemy

…”But I’ll shout my love to the stars!”

The movie was okay. I fell asleep halfway through, actually. People from block were there! Awkward!

Amelia, Megan, and I had fun before the movie started, while we made fun of the previews. It was quite interesting how the three of us were the loudest compared to the rest of the theatre (and, the show was sold out. Yeah.)

I slept over at Megan’s house and we had fun. We fell asleep at around one or two in the morning and was greeted by freshly made waffles. They eat like KINGS over there, I tell you!

I am extraordinarily tired (we woke up at seven or eight, and I didn’t get that much sleep in the first place) and considering the fact that I have tons of homework, I need to read my book, and that I need to finish my dress SOON since the dance is next Saturday… And that my father will not allow me to do any homework because he says, and I quote- “You look like crap.”

I think I’m gaining weight. Which is good, but I feel slightly unhealthy. I haven’t weighed myself yet, but my tummy is getting bigger. And is staying that way for more than a few hours. I don’t know what to think of it, though, because I heard gaining alot of weight in a short period of time is bad. And since I have this stabbing pain within my abdomen, I’m not sure if that is good, either.

Oh, you’re not convinced as to why I should be worried? Here is a tally of the things I have consumed within the last twenty four hours:

- a chimichanga with beans and rice

- half of a serving of fried ice cream (I shared with Amelia)

- a brownie

- Starbursts

- Mike and Ike candy

- four waffles

- roughly, a cup of strawberries and whipped cream (about half a cup of the latter)

- chinese food (which included rice/mongolian beef/ teriyaki chicken)

- five pieces of pizza

I never eat that much in one day.

I love Amelia to death. But ever since I explained my atheism (No, I wasn’t all like, “OMGZ! GOD DOESN’T EXIST!!!” I don’t ask for confrontation like that.) she has started to quote the bible to me. I’m not sure if this is a coincidence or not, and needless to say, it gets a little awkward. I don’t say anything about it to her, I just let it slide, but I’m not sure how to think of it. I really hope she’s not trying to help me “find my way”, or that she will pray for me or something. I give her more credit than that, really, but you never know when it comes to religion. People become VERY different people when it comes to religion (example: A perfectly intelligent person may proceed to believe the myth concerning the existence of god.)

You want to hear something truly funny? Get this- Chuck Norris believes atheists are involved in a conspiracy to make the world an evil place, therefore, abolishing Christianity. Check it out (this has tons of lingo within it, so I added notes within the brackets):

“Chuck Norris is an internationally-known killing machine and born-again Christian who has just discovered the Blasphemy Challenge [An internet challenge started by the Rational Response Squad, in which they challenge atheists to blaspheme God, videotape it, and put it online] As of this report, Brian Sapient [he's the dude in charge of the Blasphemy Challenge and of the Rational Response Squad] and crew are fortifying their “bunker” with lead and concrete.

This, of course, will not work. Chuck advises all theistic patriots to “be wise to atheists’ overt and covert schemes, exposing their agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans.” To inform his readers of the correct plan of attack, Chuck details the Evil Atheist Conspiracy’s 5-year plan (procured, no doubt, from the freshly slain corpse of one of our operatives). This includes:

Outlawing Christianity

1. by causing a goof-up at the mint, resulting in “In God We Trust” being accidentally left off some new dollar coins.

2. by joining the Freedom From Religion Foundation and ensuring that the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution is correctly applied.

3. by discovering the existence of a nonbelieving Congressman.

4. by forcing Congress to pass a hate-crime bill.

Targeting Children

1. by daring to raise them without religion.

2. by offering a non-religious summer camp for freethinking kids.

3. by providing an online forum to allow teenagers to question faith.

4. by offering unholy Richard Dawkins link buttons for MySpace pages.

Promoting Atheism

1. by purchasing Richard Dawkins’ “atheist bible.” [AKA The God Delusion]

2. by allowing Sam Harris to write letters. [Another book on atheism]

3. by ignoring the science that proves God. It’s clear- Chuck has our number, and I’d advise you all to clear out before you see the beard.”

That was from another blog”, which basically summarized this article.

I believe I have also gained another perspective of things. I’ve started to notice how stereotypical the world is, or at least, how it is portrayed within the media. It has ruined the things I used to laugh at. For example- there was a trailer I was watching (may I note- ANOTHER stupid religious movie. It’s that ridiculous one about Noah’s ark. I almost gouged my eyes out.) and this dude crashed into this woman’s bus or something. A woman came out of the bus and started yelling at the man for it. Of course, this woman was black. I mean, imagine it- when was the last time you saw a woman yelling at a man within the media that was Caucasian? I do not.

“Miss America” is one of the most beautiful songs by Something Corporate. The beginning is an electric blue with thin black strips, and then a layer of gold, and then pink. And then it turns into a moving purple. It’s swt. I don’t know, I haven’t talked about synesthesia in a while. I really should. I feel like I don’t appreciate it as much as I should. But when I write about it, it loses value and sentiment.

They say that love goes anywhere

… “I feel that when I’m old, I’ll look at you and know, the world was beautiful.”

I’m going to see Pirates of the Caribbean at six today and then I’m going to sleep over at Megan’s house.

Today was awesome. Everybody loves field trips. I mean, EVERYBODY. So today was rad. I really wish it lasted forever! Megan, Gene and I hung out most of the time. It was cool, except Gene hardly talks.

Amelia and I shared ice cream and a good time was had by all. Oh, and I have this new thing now- adding the suffix “-ize” to every verb I say. Swt. On the way back, it was really hot. I was sweating pretty badly when I got to science.

We made brownies today in food science. I wouldn’t say they were great. They were way too chocolate-y for my taste.

Tonight is going to be fun. Amelia is coming with us to see the movie! I finished sewing my practice dress (AKA made from muslin) and it turned out well, mostly. I have to chop off a few inches from the side so it fits correctly BUT! I totally installed a non-wrinkly zipper. WITHOUT USING A ZIPPER FOOT. The invisible zipper foot I got absolutely sucks. Or at least, the instructions on the back. It tells me how to assemble the zipper foot, BUT NOT HOW TO PUT IT ON THE MACHINE! And no, this is not common knowledge because it is virtually impossible to insert a square into a circle. So there. The answer is not that obvious.

I am currently compiling Megan’s birthday present. I’m getting better at this whole gift-giving thing, I think. Or maybe I’m just getting worse and people are way too polite. But either way…

We’re starting the anthology in english and I have no idea where to begin. When I introduce myself in the thing, the first idea I want to write about is my whole atheism thing. But I’m not sure if people will like that. O.o I’m tired of having to walk on eggshells whenever I talk about this stuff. Okay, so!

Rant time! “If Work Permits” is just about the best song ever. But then again, I say that alot. I love it so! At the beginning, it is really acoustic and boring and then they hit you with electric. It’s freaking rad. The Format should have my babies.

There was this hobo riding a bicycle next to the sidewalk on the way back to school. I decided this dude should have my babies. I don’t know his name, but I decided to name him (I forgot what I named him at the time, but the last name was…) Hamsterdam and yes, he’s from New Hamsterdam. He owns platypuses. Woot.

You don’t do it on purpose but you make me shake

… “Now I’ll count the hours until you wake when your baby’s breath breathes symphonies, come on sweet catastrophe, well, maybe this time I could follow through, I could feel complete, stop paying dues, stop the rain from falling, keep my ocean calm, this time I know nothing is wrong!”

What kind of atheist are you?

You scored as a Militant Atheist Willing to take theists to task, the Militant Atheist is someone who knows deep within themselves that there is no god and they want to tell you all about how they know. Even though they’re as annoying in their own way as militant theists, this is often a phase of development and doesn’t tend to last very long. If it does, they’re in danger of becoming an Angry Atheist and making everyone uncomfortable.

Militant Atheist 100%

Angry Atheist 83%

Apathetic Atheist 67%

Scientific Atheist 67%

Agnostic 33%

Spiritual Atheist 0%

Theist 0%

Heh. I’m a bit disappointed with this score, because I feel equally militant AND angry.

Hmm. Today wasn’t that terrible.

In first we learned about the anthology thing we are going to do. It’s so weird to think that the year is this close to ending- when she said “this is the last project you will do for this class”, it really brought a sense of finality. Not to mention that every single class I have, we’ve been talking about the last week of school. I am not anticipating the end of school much.

We’re going to Azteca tomorrow, which will be quite fun. Amelia and I are sharing ice cream. It’s Megan’s birthday tomorrow, too.

We’re planning on going to the movies and then sleeping over at her house. Hopefully Amelia will be able to come, because it would be fun. Except for the fact that my mother has to converse with her mother first.

We made brownies today in food science. The whole class is a blur to me. Who would’ve thunk it? I never expected to be friends with Cody, or Spencer, or Amelia. At least not in this way. It’s quite nice. Before I would see them with my other friends, starting conversations with them because they were actually friends, and I never thought I would be considered their friends. I love them so much.

Digitools has consisted of nothing useful. This eighth grader did a powerpoint presentation on junior high romance. Yeah. Debbie and Lorren have been playing tetris all period. I started it but lately, I haven’t been playing it much. I’m really trying to find some kind of volunteer thing to do over the summer. I once thought there were tons of opportunities. I suppose there are not.

Yesterday was the pep assembly. Laurie and I didn’t go. It may have been the last one at our school, and who knows, maybe I’ll regret not going later, but I cannot stand those things. It was okay, Laurie and I had little to do. We ended up playing card games. But I got skittles.

The earthquake drill had also occurred. It was really funny, because we had a substitute and since the class was too loud, we ended up going under our desks instead of evacuating. I love how Spencer was getting his mp3 player out on the way.

I just finished watching 24 and dare I say it.. JACK! DON’T JUMP! AH! And Chloe is pregnant. This is the first time there has been the slightest pathetic soap-opera drama during the show. BUT OMGZ! We cannot afford to have little Morris’ (Morrii?) running around.

And I present to you

… THE VIRGIN MARY OF SHARKS!

And with that pseudoscientific evidence, I have come to believe that Jesus is coming back to save the non-sinners. Because this baby Jesus shark is going to be huge.

AND WITH THAT I PRESENT:

The chronicles of baby Jesus shark!

Once upon a time there was a little female shark who was kept isolated from other male sharks for three years. She was isolated from male sharks because these male sharks would cause this female shark to sin and make love. Making love is not condoned in the bible. It is illegal and not condoned by the bible for sharks to get married, either. So this lady shark was all by herself and decided she wanted a friend.

After years of hard work, she pooped out a baby shark and named it Mighty Jesus Man (because God created man first, you know. Jesus is not pronounced Jee-sus, it’s pronounced heh-soos, ftw.) She soon found out this new “friend” of hers was so much stupider than she was and slightly schizophrenic. This little dude wanted everything! “Oh, I’m God.” this, “God did it, and I am God.” that, this poor female shark got really angry!

This female shark no longer cared about the ten commandments Mighty Jesus Man kept talking about, but she didn’t want to go to Hell. She decided to put Mighty Jesus Man in the microwave and cook him for a good twenty minutes. The bible said nothing about cooking people in microwaves. The bad thing was, she was a shark and needed help from people.

She then proceeded to talk in shark-talk to some dudes who would not stop killing THEIR babies and abusing THEIR wives. She put some fuzzy angel wings on and started to talk to the men, saying she was God. They didn’t believe her because God created men first. A magical mustache was on the floor of her tank and she put it on, and began to communicate to the men.

She told them extraordinary things about her Mighty Jesus Man. She lied about all of it because all she wanted was for people to hate Jesus and find how annoying he is, and was satisfied years later, after he was crucified. THE END.

keep in mind it’s picture time

… “My smile wasn’t staged but anyway.”

The best feeling in the world: Reaching for a glass of water and realizing it is apple juice. F*** yeah.

I napped today. Which was quite nice. Until my dog barked the loudest he possibly could have, in which I proceeded to cry. Thanks.

Oh, and today I totally had a conversation with the one person I *really* care about. It was swt. And I did not act like a total bimbo. Or maybe I did, but I don’t remember. Either way, the memory is rather nice. And he looked at me awesomely. Although it had no connotative meaning, it was still pretty rad. (Actually I remember this vividly now (five minutes after I wrote this paragraph… He was all freaking out over homework. I guess the oxytocin is not flowing much through my brain right now but dude, why overreact?! )

I took a math test today and I was on the very last question and the bell rang. I was pretty lucky because my teacher is giving us extra time tomorrow. It was a bit odd though, because my teacher was handing out the test to our row and was like, “Amanda, you look so sad!” and then Cameron was like, “what’s wrong?” I was completely surprised by my teacher even asking, I wasn’t even looking sad! And if I did, it was completely unintentional. So I said, “Really? I am? I’m as happy as I can be!” it was a little weird since I never seem to get attention from any of my teachers throughout the day.

It is also weird that everybody cares so much about the dress I’m making for the dance! Every now and then somebody would ask me how it is going (and it does not have anything to do with the conversation) it’s nice. I can’t help but wonder if they are just making small talk, though. You know me and my pessimism!

I stayed a little after school today and bought my ticket for the dance *finally!*

You know what’s swt? Visual illusions. It’s cool because they had this contest and chose the top ten. They have possible explanations of how they work for most of them.

This is something almost as awesome: An article from Wired talking about how absurd security measures (like banning fake guns in school plays) are psychologically satisfying but not practical at all. Finally, the world is not as stupid as I once thought! These dudes at Wired should have my babies. Hmm..

I think it is time for me to reflect on the year. This year was pretty terrible, but I think that was due to the stress of school. What can I say? I enjoyed every single hug I received, we all had such awesome conversations. I absolutely love how my friends (from either lunch during the year) had always made me feel better. We always laughed! Which was great! If it weren’t for this year, I would not have been able to truly appreciate the people around me. This year, psychological maturation has progressed at a much faster rate than the past two years combined.

I’m trying to find some kind of atheism thing I can do to put on my portfolio. It’s something I really “believe” (if that’s the right word) in- and it’d be swt if I could do it. But then again, the separation of church and state is far from here, and some colleges may reject me for being an atheist. Sure, it’s discrimination, but I do not doubt it would happen. The *slight* psychosis I have been diagnosed with will not help either, oops!

Hah, Jerry Falwell has died. Oh, you don’t know who he is? Let me give you a brief synopsis:

1. He was a strong segregationist. He changed his mind later, but he referred the Civil Rights Movement as the “Civil Wrongs Movement”. He even wanted a book to be banned because the main character was black.

2. He advocated the death penalty for homosexuals

3. He believed public schools were bad because they condoned atheism, secularism, and humanism.

4. He opposed women’s suffrage

5. Falwell sued people. He seemed to like it too.

6. Yeah, wikipedia’d. “In November 1983, Larry Flynt’s pornographic magazine Hustler carried a parody of a Campari ad, featuring a fake interview with Falwell in which he admits that his “first time” was incest with his mother in an outhouse while drunk” Yeah, he sued them for it, too.

7. He sued some dude for making a website called Fallwell.com. I guess he missed the extra L.

8. He was anti-semitic and believed the anti-christ would present itself as a Jew. In the Middle East.

9. He claimed Tinky Winky was gay because he is purple. And has a triangle on his head. Really. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way- thank you for that link, Heather- it is a bit late but it is still pretty useful! And I’m thinking of taking some pictures, because this is the freshman dance! =D

Oh, it’s so hard to have something to love

… “and keeping quiet is hard. Because you can’t keep a secret if it wasn’t a secret to start. At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught.”

OMGZ! Pathetic, I know. But he totally said one sentence to me today. (oh, you don’t realize how much this means to me! Look at the tags for this entry and you will soon see.)

I bought some new fabric today, although I wasn’t planning on it! I just went to the store to buy some muslin and I came out with different fabric for my dress. It’ll work because it’s so much nicer- but gah! I didn’t see that coming.

Today felt really weird. Cloudy, I guess. It happens every so often when I get really stressed out. I got around to sewing the crinoline, which is pretty darned time consuming. It’s time consuming because in order to make one you have to:

1. cut out the tulle, which is VERY difficult to do because it’s so delicate/see through so it ended up all jaggedy on the ends. 2. Hand sew the top evenly.

3. Gather evenly. I suck at doing this! I spent forever and a day making sure it was even. Andandand! It’s more than one layer of tulle, which is so confusing!

Maybe it seemed so much harder because it was like nine last night when I was working on this.

I took three AR tests today and I now have… Six and a half points. F*** yeah.

Mondays are always really depressing, it seems. As emo as it is going to sound, it really seems to help not showing how stressed out I am/sad/blah during the day. I mean really, look at me anytime during the day! I’m sitting there clapping or smiling for no reason at all. Smiling tends to breed more happiness, it seems. And with the friends I have, I can never be truly sad! =D

Dear you:

I saw you today and it made me feel so happy. You even saw me back! And even though you’ve overheard me talk of these things so many times before… This one has lasted pretty darned long. On one hand, I can see why you do not care as much for me. On the other, I feel incredibly hurt, because you chose her over me. And made it very obvious. I hope you know you’ve always been my favorite! You walk the red carpet in my eyes! And has anyone ever remarked of how your eyes change color? Today’s teal was so wonderful in comparison to the sapphire from last Thursday! And did you know that next week marks a year from when I played that trick on you? And we had a real, lengthy conversation about it? I hope you remember, because that was my only true plea for your attention. Oh, if you but knew! I adore you more than you will ever know. I believe it’s time for me to assign you a number according to your name, here it is: 38792.

I was hurt when you thought I made it up, in more ways than you will know. Maybe I will get up the courage to ask you for three minutes. It’ll be the best.

On a lighter note… AH! PERSON L IS GOING TO RELEASE AN EP LATER THIS YEAR! Can’t wait here, either. This year is going to be *beep* awesome.

On a more thought-provoking note.. This sucks. I’m experiencing existentialism. Again. It always seems to get me when I’m all frazzled. Ugh. I need to stop sounding so emo. Because I have nothing to be emo about! The current situation I am in is pretty stressful but I mean, my parents love me, my friends love me… I have everything I have ever dreamed and more. I have nothing to complain about, yet I am. Yeah.

You give me something to miss

… “And I believe it, I believe that you are gone and I was the one to let you… I can’t handle three nights, so I shudder to think when the nights turn to weeks.”

Gah! I am now assigned the duty of doing the laundry. Yes. I knew it happened to other people but I didn’t think it’d happen to me. So, I’ve spent my entire day worrying over whether or not the load is done because I’m afraid of not getting a load done. Stressful business, doing the laundry!

I also spent the afternoon (during loads) trying to figure out how my dress is going to look! I’ve decided the dress will be cross-bred between about three dresses from Baby The Stars Shine Bright, I believe. I’m not quite sure. But these dresses are beautiful- hopefully it’ll work out! I need to get started on creating my crinoline, which I have drafted. It’s terrible though, because there are virtually NO instructions online. Anywhere! I finally finished the math review a few minutes ago. But it doesn’t help that I absolutely need to finish another book by the end of the weekend, but I can’t focus on anything because I am so worried about my dress! Oh, and I need to shower. AND! I need to figure out what is going on with Teagan’s birthday because I said I would go hang out with her, but considering the fact that the dude she likes is going to be there… I do not think she is going to talk to me much. Or when she does, she’s just going to tell me the same inside secret we’ve been playing over and over for the past year. Uh.

I went to Old Towne with Allie yesterday. It was swt. I got sand dollars and some really cool rocks. But since we went to the library beforehand, I had to carry around the hugest bag of books (although, it has not been the biggest as of yet) As a result of such hard-core exercise, my arms hurt. We ate lunch at a bakery. We saw April. Oh! I also bought the beloved Rowan Classic yarn (ten percent cashmere!) and Jo Sharp Silkroad Aran (five percent cashmere… What can I say? It was *kind of* on sale!) But yeah, I totally wasted all of my money (fifteen dollars for two skeins! I couldn’t believe it, either)

You know of when I stated I finally grasped the concept of death? I think I was wrong. I really think I have it this time, though. I’ll tell you something- I’ve never been one to fear death. Never. Which is another reason why I do not buy into the whole Christianity thing. But anyways- I was just thinking of how when you die, how incomplete it would feel. And how one wouldn’t even know they are dead after. And how you would be (yes, another cliche) nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s such a weird concept to grasp. And here we go!

Pseudo-intellectual ramblings! Oh, and I realized why people our age are smarter than they appear. And that is because we have so much time on our hands (thanks to the now broken National Association of State Boards of Education.) to think about things like this during school. Hah. (This idea was *kind of* stolen from Samson after he told us about how there will never be another Isaac Newton)

Oh, but I didn’t steal this idea! I believe I once read “safety pins- nonexistent while necessary, strangely abundant when not.” somewhere. Forget about the part about safety pins, you get the point. People notice safety pins (forget about the part about forgetting about safety pins. This is a good example.) when they are around, not while they aren’t. So of course it seems like they are abundant while not necessary, because one only counts the hits and not the misses! *chikapow* what now, universe?!

And with the whole tagging thing.. I love how I have forty-three “big life events”. I suppose I should have labeled these entries as “highly sentimental”, considering one of the posts includes a *cough* certain conversation I had with a certain *someone*.

Go on love, leave while there’s still hope for escape

… “You’ve got to take what you can these days, there’s so much ahead, so much regret, I know what you want to say, I know it but can’t help feeling differently.”

I’m so stressed out over my dress. I can’t decide!

Anyways, I found this website with really old, ghetto games on it. I had a kind of field day with it (click it, to see the remaining half. Geez. WordPress formats weird.):

WOOT!

I just finished tagging all of my entries. Have fun exploring the past if you have not already done so. … Actually, I’m probably writing this only to myself. Tagging is mostly… Simply put, I organized my blogs into topics, and now when you click here, you can view any blog that I have ever written, according to topic. It’s pretty neat. But I’m not that interesting so I don’t know how this’ll work out.

I’m writing a note to my future ghost

… “It seems like things are only getting better, it seems like we can never catch a break.”

I cannot get past my anticipation for this record! It’s going to be great, I’m telling you, more than great- spectacular! AH! (By the way, that is the only thing I have been thinking about all day. There are a few exceptions. But this number is very small. Seriously. I’m that hardcore.)

BUT ANYWAYS! Today, we presented our powerpoint presentations in digitools. Surprisingly, I volunteered. My mind was somewhere else thinking about, uh, somebody, and then I volunteered. It was really… Odd. But I did it anyways and my teacher really liked my presentation for its creativity. Swt. Ah! So busy! I have plans this weekend, as well as next friday, in addition to the freshman dance. Hmm. Not to mention my current monetary dilemma. Which I will not discuss further (I’m such a tease, aren’t I? =D) Yuup. Still brainstorming. I want a dress that will last. I want it to look professional (Or at least, as professional as it can get without a serger) but gosh… This is stressing me out very much! I really wish I could have profound conversations with people without sounding like an idiot. I’m only half your worth but I love you more than you love yourself.

I’ll sport a smile, take in some color under the stars

… “I’ll be your lover, no more distractions, I’m going to treat you right. It seems like things are only getting better, it seems like we can never catch a break… Look at the time, we’re always waiting but we’re in love, that should be just fine.”

GAH! I love the starting line even more than before! ‘Islands’ is so… Oh!

We have this family friend that talks to my mother and I everyday as we wait for my brother to come to the car. *whisper* They have a really cute son. But anyways! They saw my yearbook picture from last year which was, dare I say it, terrible. I look so much better this year but since I don’t think their son knows me that well, he doesn’t know that! Gah! I only know him because I see him around sometimes. But in a few weeks I may talk to him…
*teenybopperscream*

On a more professional note… Uh, sorry, there’s not much going on right now.

Dear you:

I love the way you look at me! (teeny bopper scream part deux)

ANYWAYS! I wish I could say something totally profound. But I can’t, so I’ll just vent because I have not been thinking of anything besides the things I am currently stressed about.

AR is going terribly. I have finally given up my dignity and pride, once more for the sake of getting ahead/pleasing somebody, so I have checked out a plethora of picture books. Yes, picture books. I cannot describe the amount of humility I experienced as I typed “Winnie the Pooh” into the library catalog’s search engine. Even worse- I didn’t even check it out because it’s one of those touch and feel books. Gross.

And the freshman dance! I finally started drafting my dress together but I am not sure how it will look. I experimented with fabrics to see which would look good on me. Ah! I’m not much of a busy bee during the afternoon and am the most productive at night, ironic, so I was up until ten working on it last night. As a result of working hard, I couldn’t relax until eleven. I’m trying to think positively here, but I’m so scared of cutting into the fabric and messing my dress up because it is so important. I regret telling the handful of people that I made it because I feel obliged to blow them away, which I’m not sure if I will do. To be brutally honest, even though my sewing has progressed- I do not have the money to buy a serger, and I will probably never go out and buy one despite my expertise because I’m afraid this is just a fad that will go away quickly.

Megan’s birthday is coming up and I feel obliged once more, to buy her something. I don’t know. I’ve never been great at giving presents but I feel very guilty when I don’t give presents to people. Ah! The effect of consumerism in modern western civilizations! On one hand, I feel like I need to get her something but on the other I feel like I’m buying into another stupid tradition.

I’m also debating whether I should go to the dance at all. I don’t understand what the big fuss is about. It’s just a dance. But I also feel like I need to go. Like I’ll regret not going after. I guess I’ll try to act as enthused as I can. It’s just so much stress I feel I don’t need right now. This is so stupid! I don’t even want to go that much. And thanks to every little thing about I’ve read about Freud’s theories, I cannot let this go! Why am I thinking this way? Am I conforming? Am I trying to stay somewhat individualistic while conforming? Why not go if I don’t lose anything? Why go if I’ll be happy not going? Life is short. But what guarantees my happiness in either situation?

The year is almost over. And I’m definitely not hyped up to go to the high school. I’ll be as simple as I can- I’m not going to write this like I think anyone is reading this. I’m not sure why I am so anxious. I have my friends there, so everything should be fine. Except for the fact that the only classes I actually wanted was AP Psychology and honors english. And I’m feeling only slightly unprepared. I have thought this through so much but I don’t remember what I said. I’m also having some monetary problems as well, which I will not go into much, but it’s also extremely stressful.

I also hate how I come off as flirtatious when I really do not mean to. It happens so often and I’ve been so impulsive lately- I don’t think it through much. I absolutely hate protean signals, and yet I find myself giving them off unintentionally. So stupid.

The last contagious victim of this plague between us

…”I’m sick with apprehension, I’m crippled from exhaustion, and I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.”

I don’t know, either. Lorren was gone today and I was all lonely. I became Debbie’s duckling for the day. She got a cherry smencil. It smelled good. Sophia got her an orange smencil, which smelled terrible. There were not that many people in first period today, so we had a study period. It was swt. Mostly because I finished my powerpoint presentations. It’s so warm, I hardly have the motivation! It’s really depressing. Uh.

Thomas Jefferson was an atheist and even wrote a book about it. I don’t know, either, I have very little to talk about today.

TSL is releasing another song tonight, at midnight. Mayybe, if I wake up at the right time… I can get on the computer and listen to it. Uh, yeah, I’m that hardcore.

We’re going to Azteca next Friday, and doing the whole salsa dancing thing. I don’t want to be all worried about who I’ll dance with, so I’m thinking of just asking Gene to dance with me ahead of time. He’s a really awesome dude. But anyways, Megan’s birthday is next friday as well. We also have a science test. *shudder*

Here’s to dying in each other’s arms

… “Oh, why did I have to try it? Here’s to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star, I’m not your star! Isn’t that what you said, what you thought this song meant?”

I love Konstantine because it alludes to “For Me, This is Heaven”, by Jimmy Eat World. *teeny bopper scream*

I saw Heather this morning but couldn’t think of anything to say.

GAH! The freshman dance! It’s what everyone is talking about and I’m going to need to take the time out of my day to get permission slips. Maybe I’ll get more than one so I’ll save somebody the trouble. Ah!

Oh, and I’ve finally decided: I’m going to pre-order Directions. That way, I won’t have to wait! And given the fact that there will be tons of promos for it which include free stuff, why not? My love for The Starting Line is truly insurmountable- I am willing!

OMGZ! TSL!!!111
/preppieness.

So, uh. You guys haven’t heard much about the devil and god raging inside me. Hmm.

Dear you:

I cannot forget those three seconds. It’s so terrible! How we hardly talked about anything. “Show him how clever you are.” And how you type. Like a total idiot. And the only thing we discussed. Was my best friend. Slightly creepy. And how you looked at me the next day with such acknowledgement! I suppose I’ll say this just like I have in the past six letters to you. If you but knew! I adore you more than you will ever know.

Appreciate the fact that I have not mentioned him in a very long time. To anybody, really, besides when he walks by, and I proclaim my adoration. But ANYWAYS!

And you know what I’ve been saying about Ted Haggert’s heterosexuality? “Some people say he puts the ‘men’ in ‘amen’.” So, here’s the youtube link! And I’m not sure if I came up with this or that dude did, but hey: “You put the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentalism’!!”

“Friday, May 13, 2005

Aev92: lol at lunch me laurie shelley and lorren and megan were carrying each other around

Aev92: it was so fun

bebes2392: haha

bebes2392: i was eating

Aev92: they said that i was really light and they were thinking of dropping me

Aev92: but then they thought

bebes2392: haha

Aev92: “its amanda, we cant drop her! she is too lovable” Aev92: thats what they told me

Aev92: lol

bebes2392: haha

bebes2392: no one should drop amanda

bebes2392: cuz shes fuzzy

bebes2392: haha

Aev92: yea lol

bebes2392: want to hear my favorite song

Aev92: okie dokie

bebes2392: IF I HAD MY LITTLE WAY

bebes2392: ID EAT PEACHES EVERYDAY

bebes2392: THEY WERE PUT INTO A CAN

bebes2392: THAT WAS MADE BY A MAN

Aev92: lol

And, uh, the way I typed at the time… Disregard it- that was two years ago. Oh, dear… I just read some of my old Xanga entries. I sounded like an idiot and wrote the stupidest things. I actually filled out memes. Alot. And loved mainstream bands. Alot. *shudder* And no, I will not provide the link. It is so full of stupidity. And unnecessary angst. And just stupid things! Never again! ANYWAYS!

Upon discovering my own beliefs, I have discovered other people’s beliefs. I don’t mean to sound so… Uh, terrible, and normally I would not even write this, but I am committing this to memory- it is so depressing how such smart people can believe in such stupid things. I should join the Rational Response Squad.

And you don’t like being here in the future

… “So you say the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past.”

Today was pretty terrible. Actually, it was okay, but all the bad parts seem to catch up to me right as I come home. My narrative sucks. But I’m not sure if I really believe that. I think I’m just adding to the list to make myself feel slightly better, paradoxically.

I’ve started up a blogspot account, and I may be using that instead. I just need to find a way to upload all of my entries (who knows, maybe I can find a way to add my old, old, Xanga entries. I’ve had that blog since sixth grade, I believe.) to it, because I am not going to copy and paste for three hours. I have almost four hundred posts here. I’m not going to waste my life.

Anthony is finally getting around to read my arguments. But he’s also picking fights now! O.o Before math today, he challenged me. I was caught completely off guard, therefore, I sounded like an idiot. The more I thought about it, the more I think I should have told him, “This is not the time or place to deal with things like this.” But then again- I’ve done the exact same thing, just not as formally as he did! Ugh. So, uh, I should take the blame here. But the thing that really got to me was that some dude started talking to us about it. I don’t even know that dude.

But, I’m PMSing, so I’m not in the best mood. I’m pretty darned bi-polar when I’m ending the cycle. Just because I feel absolutely terrible, I’ll give you a quick list, describing how great today was:

1. I was running late again, and forgot my lunch.

2. I’m on my period.

3. I will soon present a powerpoint in digitools.

4. I’m on my period.

5. I’m really stressed out about school ending. I feel like there is so much I have to do! I don’t know when AR ends (and if I don’t get my points, I will have to do normal PE next year. But then again, this is my fault, too)

6. The freshman dance is coming up and even though I could care less about the dance, I’m afraid I may miss out on something if I don’t go. I have to confirm plans before my father leaves.

7. I let Debbie borrow something in like March, I think, and I need to get it back before school ends.

8. I have decided I need to trim my hair.

9. I need to decide how my dress is going to look for freshman. I can make the dress in a full afternoon, but I am still planning.

10. I am very tired of stupid people. And because of my slight bi-polar-ness, it gets to me even more.

BUT ANYWAYS! Yay! Apparently, atheism is becoming more mainstream. YES! No more stupidity! … Sadly, it will be a very long time until something DOES change. And you know what else made me happy?

#1 Wave their hands in front of my face making it impossible to see the stage. (Will you put your hands down? I get it. They’re singing a song. I’m happy, too. Use your mouths, people. Jesus doesn’t love you any more because your hands are in the air.)

#2 Yell out random words (”Praise Jesus, Hallelujah!”) while I”m trying to listen to the sermon. (You agree with the pastor. We understand this. But just say it in your head or nod silently.)

#3 Walk in after the music- or worse yet, the sermon has started. (If it’s not that important for you to be on time, just stop showing up.)

#4 Look at me with anxiety because I’m brown.

#5 Look at me with excitement because I’m not white.

#6 Assume that because I know about the Bible, I must believe in the Bible. (It’s the opposite that’s true.)

#7 Perform a skit that is supposed to tell the day’s message. (They’re not funny. And frankly, the kids are bad actors. Let’s get to the sermon already.)

#8 Tell me I’m on the “right path” by being there. (I was doing just fine a couple hours ago, thank you very much.)

#9 Pass out Christian business directories. (It’s like saying the Christian lawyer is trustworthy, but the Jew lawyer will take your money and the atheist lawyer will try to lose your case on purpose, and don’t even get me started on those brown lawyers… these directories aren’t helping me understand “Christian love.”)

#10 Ask me if they can pray for me. (If you want to, just go ahead and do it.)

#11 Ask me if they can pray for me, then put their hands on my shoulders and begin praying. (Stop touching me.)

#12 Mischaracterize people of other faiths or no faiths. (”Those atheists know God is there; they just don’t want to follow His rules!” “Those Muslims really want to become Christians’ to the MissionaryMobile!”)

#13 Assume that everyone who is not Christian must be “saved.” (I’m quite alright. And stop putting your hands on my shoulder.)

#14 Bring their children, then proceed to fall asleep during the sermon. (If you don’t want to be there, don’t drag your kids with you.)

#15 Say that those of other Christian denominations aren’t practicing “true” Christianity. (They believe in Christ, but they speak in tongues! The heretical bastards!)

#16 Look at their watches mid-sermon. (You know this pastor goes long. If you weren’t prepared to sit through it all, you shouldn’t have come.)

#17 Pray for things they can just as easily take care of themselves. (You want that promotion? Then work harder. You want to pass that test tomorrow? Then go study.)

#18 Pastors tell stories without giving citations. (There’s this true story of a guy who [insert random Bible-based act here] If it’s true, give me some actual facts.)

#19 Pastors ask questions with obvious answers. (Who here believes the Lord is going to save them today?! I think the people in church are going to say “yes.” Call it a hunch.)

#20 Pastors take an hour to analyze a simple, straight-forward Biblical verse. (The verse told me to trust in God. I get it. Let’s move on.)

Okay, miscellaneous links: Anything that involves Richard Dawkins makes my day. Richard Dawkins, have my babies?

Also awesome? God’s Digital Home. AKA God Alrighty.

Little Drawings. Matt Rawlings is one awesome dude.

That one band I saw live with Riza on Angela’s birthday, Left At the Castle.

Sorry for all the myspace links. Myspace’s layout just creeps me out. Do names really influence a person’s future? Yeah. I’m a psychology nerd.

If you want to persuade a woman…Look her in the eye. (An article talking about your influence on a person via eye gaze.

Yes, you saw it coming. BBC’s documentary on the effect of anti-sleep medications on health and society.

Memory’s affect on hunger. Yeah! Am I interesting now? =D

Okay, besides that… There is not much else to discuss. The content of my ideas lately are just atheism. Depressing, I know.

The less you believe

… The smarter you are.

I went to the movies today with Riza, Cody, Trish, Amelia, Cameron, Courtney, Angela, and some dude named Josh. No, not that one. Or that one. It was fun.

We then went to the mall to buy Riza a dress for her pageant. She didn’t find one. She went to Benita’s. Didn’t find one. We also went to some lady’s house/the hospital to get raffle tickets. We dropped cody off. His house is by the waterfront and is pretty.

I have been so moved (if that is the right word) by Spiderman 3, I have decided to write a review. Enjoy. Spiderman 3 is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, and I feel I have wasted my life. From walking on bar tables to sappy break-up scenes to having a parade dedicated to Spiderman, I am convinced the people who made this movie are, indeed, on drugs. The movie was incredibly typical. I managed to correctly complete three sentences while watching the movie, it was so typical (”Who are you?” “I don’t know.”) I could not get past the fact that sand cannot possibly mimic the function of the human brain, so I could not enjoy the supposed “greatness” of Sandman.

The only good part was that Harry forgave the dude. And that the dude from That 70s Show was in it. Oh, and did I mention how shallow Mary Jane was in this movie? I could have slapped her. My broadway show this, “You don’t care about me!” that, “omgz i cant sing!!111″ oh, dear. And did I mention the dude praying in church in the movie, asking God to kill spiderman? I laughed. Not only is he that smart to look to God out of superstition, but he asks him to kill him? Idiot. I admit, it was funny at certain parts. But the serious parts were the funniest. So, what does that say about the movie? Any person who thinks that movie is epic or even good, I will label them as stupid, and be on my way. The effects were terrible.

Mary Jane was even lip-synching. Oh, and when spiderman was in a crowd, all the women in the crowd had their cleavage showing. ALL of them. The movie ended the same as the first and second movie, with a funeral. This movie was absolutely ridiculous. I will never watch it again. Ever. But will that stop me from seeing the fourth one? Definitely.