She said she’s leaving on a sunday

… “I’ve read every word you said, from a poster of a cat, four books look across your sofa. I thought your coffee table was more clever than that. It gets worse once we get to her room, as she stops and sings “doot do do doot do do doot do”. I claim “new religion” is my song- she doesn’t get it… And you lock your doors like I’ve been here before, I feel like I’ve seen a ghost. Suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don’t do this - I fall in love far too quickly, I never want her to forget me.”

I love The Format. “She Doesn’t Get It” is now my favorite song that I cannot get enough of.

So. I woke up, watched part of the fourth season of 24 on TV because I wanted to see Tony again.

/Tony Almeida obsession.

I downloaded some b-sides last night- I am so in love. Jack’s performed “She Paints Me Blue” live, and I now own it. It’s so amazing- it’s the best way I’ve heard this song, I swear it. Andrew is so much better live from what I’ve heard- I really need to catch them the next time they are around.

“And then I blame my trembling on the cold air, but I can’t hide that I’ve relied on you like yellow does on blue.”

That’s definitely one of my favorite quotes of all time. But of course, that statement will be abolished/replaced within a weeks’ time, when I like another song XD

Thank her for reminding me

… “Of all the things I’ve done completely wrong… Stop these looks and letters. Secondary. She laughs at every word I know I said completely wrong.”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I can’t *beep*-ing wait. I cannot. I will die of anticipation, I swear it.

I was surprised how much everyone deeply desired spring break to come. After the bell rang, everybody screamed. Even my science teacher. Yes. Imagine it. And so the guy friend I have managed to fall in love with (the other one, that I did not link to. And sure, he may have womanly lips, but at least his voice is uber deep.)..

We have not had a chance to speak. Yes, I am that lucky. And he has made attempts to talk to me that do not look too obvious. Or maybe he just isn’t into me. He probably isn’t. But I can’t realize that, because my ego can’t take it.

Oh, and I am also in love with this. I love “wee wam!”

I am happy that I will not attend school for the next week. Although, spring break just happens to fall on the week that I am actually anticipating.. Because I am anticipating some form of progress. Maybe I should give myspace a shot. That’s how other teenagers my age get to know other teenagers without having to establish actual verbal communication.

First period consisted of me killing Allie’s essay, and Allie then progressing to clean my binder in fifteen minutes. My binder is significantly lighter. But my filing system I had going is now all messed up (the assignments that are due that day/the assignments I’m going to do for homework/whatever else I get in the duration of the day)

Second period consisted of nothing significant, although third DID. Because I was at the library. Doing “research” on the computer. I was visited by Mary (who has library assistant that period) and Laurie (who was checking a book out and did not particularly want to go back to class) which was awesome.

Fourth period.. Half of the time we did nothing at all. Debbie and I sang cheesy love songs. Which was very fun, surprisingly. Lorren taught me a new word: “Umarmung”. Which is “hug” in German. Is that not the best word to say? Ever? Exactly. Fifth/sixth- test taking. And that was not as bad as expected. Although I still will probably proceed to fail my tests. Thanks. I got home and watched television.

Tonight, I’m wearing my best smile

… “And hope to make me worth your while… Does this make any sense at all? We’re not sleeping and I’m not breathing, if this means anything at all, I won’t let you leave me anymore. If this holds insignificance, I’ll have the hearse follow the ambulance, no medicine exists to make my lungs work again, let’s shake and burn, like an addict… If I said your smile was all that mattered, would you save my life?”

Ah, so this morning when I went to see Debbie- lo and behold- MY OWN RAMUNE! I thanked her a bajillion times, not just because she gave me candy- but she really did not have to do that at all. I brought it up very briefly. Here’s how the conversation went about Ramune:

Debbie: Everyone attacked my Ramune and now I have none *frowns*

Amanda: OMGZ! Ramune! I love that stuff

Debbie: Yeah, and apparently everybody else does, too.

Amanda: It sucks though, that we have to go to Seattle to get it.

Debbie: There’s an asian shop around here somewhere.

And that was it. I am so greatful (sp?) for her doing that for me. And even though it is very simple.. I think I have started to appreciate my life just a little bit more.

So I woke up the other night, and the first thought that came to my head was, “Can you believe that three months from now, I’m going to be thinking about how I wished that I cherished the moments I was having, three months earlier?” It’s weird, because I had never realized that before. I had not thought about the high school much- I saw everything as just going to the high school, but I didn’t realize that things are going to be changing quite dramatically. And as corny as it is, I feel very safe and secure here. I really hope that does not change.

And so we have this new essay prompt. That I was so frustrated with, that I nearly e-mailed my english teacher to ask for an alternate assignment. I finally got it down, but my usual seven-page essay = three pages long including the bibliography. Uh.

And now I have decided that I am currently having a crush on my guy friend. I was opposed to it for a while because I feel like I have lived this before and the ending is not going to be that great. And actually, I still believe that. But I realize that even though this situation feels familiar, it is different, and I am a different person from even before junior high. So the way I deal with it will be better. And it is a different boy. Another thing is, though, I hardly know him. But that can change, right? Next- he’s within my group of friends. That’s pretty big. Anything I may or may not say is repeated throughout our group, typical, but true.

Do what you want

… “But I know who you are, say what you want but I know what you’re thinking… If you fall in love, if you fall in love, hold nothing back, I’ll fall in love, I’ll fall in love and hold nothing back from you.”

I was in the weirdest mood today in Spanish. I felt absolutely terrible. I managed to lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I tend to put my body in weird positions when I’m all melancholic. Like hanging upside down from a bed/couch/whatever. Or laying down on the floor at staring at whatever is above me.

Food Science was rather fun. Spencer, Amelia, Cody and I manage to have fun while working on a collage of photographs of fruits. Yes. Lunch was okay. Uh.

The incident that happened the other day was that one of my guy friends tried to hold my hand. And I know that was what he was aiming for. Since he hugged me/touched me (not like that.)/etc. before and after. I’m not sure what to think of it. The depressing thing is, it’s all I have managed to think about. And I’ve managed to create a little crush on him.

Evolution > Me.

Math=quiz. It was not that bad. We’re finishing it tomorrow. Science= study period because we have a test on friday.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m in love? My love for this dude is insurmountable.

/Iwanttohavehisbabies.

And do you love the new look of my (omgz!) livejournal? It took me forever and a day to figure it out and I hate how the links are in italics. I find italics really pretentious. I don’t like it much but considering the fact that the only aspect of my journal that I subdue myself to is that I update it… I guess you guys will have to suck it up! HA!

Oh, no, they did NOT!

Saves The Day=Love. Nightingale=Awesome. See You is definitely not their worst song, but not the best either. But whatever. And then, right after I saw that. I read this:

“Pete Parada has left Saves the Day.
Message from Pete: After four and a half years with Saves The Day, it saddens me to report that I have decided to leave the band. I wish them all the best of luck and look forward to starting fresh with a new band. Anyone who is interested can check out my new myspace page at myspace.com/peteparada. word. pete”

Since you are now travelling with me through cyberspace.. “The tracklist Punk Goes Acoustic 2 has been released. Tracklist

1. Jack’s Mannequin - Bruised
2. The Audition - Don’t Be So Hard
3. +44 - Baby Come On (Actually, I already downloaded that as a b-side.)
4. Daphne Loves Derby - Sun
5. Say Anything - Woe
6. Alesana - Apology
7. All Time Low - Jasey Rae
8. Silverstein - Red Light Pledge
9. The All-American Rejects - Night Drive
10. Mayday Parade - Three Cheers For Five Years
11. The Spill Canvas - Staplegunned
12. Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been
13. Anti-Flag - Welcome To 1984
14. Sherwood - The Only Song
15. Set Your Goals - Echoes”

yaayy. It’s not the best, but I guess it will suffice. As I noted, I already have the acoustic version of “Baby, Come On”. Because I am such an awesome person/Ihaveconnections. HA!

“And I know that you’re a sucker for anything acoustic.” I couldn’t help it.

/Brand New allusion.

And you know who you are

… “here’s a hint- he doesn’t have a car. Or the time to be in love with me. “

Since I gave up on my crush- I’m back to normal, just barely. Actually, my mind feels all clouded up. So I can’t really decide anything. If I want to remember something or even think about something, soon after complying with the request, I forget what I was supposed to do.

So. Amanda has theories about life. I’ll write them down and see what happens (just watch, I’ll be proven wrong.):

1. Every person has a concept that they think about throughout the day. The concept changes with time, but it is a concept nonetheless.

2. If an event happens that is likely to have “aftershocks”, then the day following the incident will be very boring/you won’t hear about it at all, but two days after the incident- something finally happens. Example: I get a bad grade on my report card, that night my parents respond by giving me a warning/lecture about my grade. The next day- it is not talked about or just briefly brought up. The day after that (two days after I brought my report card home) I get grounded/penalized.

3. People tend to avoid confrontations regarding infatuation. Most specifically- if you show interest in somebody else, the person you are interested in acknowledges it, but doesn’t talk about it. (But this one is not thought through that much)

4. People are never their “true” selves. At least with everybody in every situation. People tend to dilute/emphasize certain aspects of their personality depending on the circumstances. (Not sure about this one either.)

5. Everyone’s idea of self esteem is a bad one. Self esteem should not be considered a measure of your self worth, but rather, a constantly changing measure of how well you are doing, circumstance to circumstance.

6. The future is a repetition of the past. This has been happening to me alot lately- where I realize that something that I feel is new, has actually happened to me before. Example: This is the reason why I have managed to go through the same course of events to each person I become infatuated with. Better example: I can’t think right now. O.o

That’s about it. Mostly because I’m writing this on the spot. So, I’ve been living by two quotes lately. Corny, yes, but I have been. “Everything in moderation”/”This, too, shall pass.” There’s much more to write. But I’ll wait until the situation progresses, before I make a bold statement about it.

So here’s to the passing

… “So here’s to the passing of all that could be between you and me, I’d rather be here, than anywhere with you. I’ve been dancing with your ghost, toasting note to note.”

Ah. I’ve finally decided what to do about this whole thing. I give up- once more, on a mere infatuation, but yes. I can’t win every battle. But don’t expect this to be the end of discussion. It’ll take me a while to adjust to the change.

All in all, today has been an okay day. In Digitools, we switched seats so I am once more reunited with my comrades. So, I’m trying to decide who to distract myself with. And I can’t decide. Because all of the peoples who are considered here, are not people who I have a relationship that is limerical (if that’s a word.), so there’s no one to choose. Oh, but at my time of need, I found someone. Although, it is not the wisest. It may do for a few days. It is not the wisest thing because I feel this person reminds me of somebody else. O.o

But yeah, I will soon return to my normal self that is not filled with hopelessness or simple melancholy. The weather is awesome. And everyone’s looking forward to break. So everyone is happy/easily distracted. Even the teachers. FTW!

Tell all the english boys you meet..

… “After this one, I am done, and I’ll wonder why you’re gone… It’s eight forty five, the weather’s getting better by the hour, I hope it rains there all the time.”

So today I accomplished the following tasks:

- Made the most delicious lemon pudding cake ever

- Reheated the fettuccine alfredo sauce I made last night, which was just as good

- Thoroughly cleaned my room/kitchen

- Uh.

But yeah. I’m really tired right now. I finally received my Art in America magazine (which I got for free. The whole subscription thing is free. Awesome.) in the mail. There was this one painting/photograph that absolutely blew me away- it was a camera obscura of a museum or something.. Although I do not remember it in full detail, it was so.. I can’t even find the right adjective that would not sound short of cliche.

And when a part of your brain is active, it uses up oxygen in that area, and then after there is a huge rush of blood to that spot. Quite interesting, actually, and that is how the MRI works, because of the magnetic properties of blood.

And forty percent of young adults consider themselves “shy”, and that number is rising one percent per year. Psychologists believe that less person-to-person interaction and the impatience of the usual slow pace of building relationships, are to blame.

Gah! I can’t get enough of this stuff! Me = Psychology Nerd. *weeps*

“… And all my friends, they break and they bend, they take shape and they tend to get better with time, and I say “Who am I to work so much less? You get more, you all deserve what I am walking towards if you want, you should move away” This has become a weakness- the golden state wins again. Perhaps its time I settle, I say “It’s blue at least that’s a plus”, plus I miss you so much.”

Uh. People are starting to talk about Easter. When is that, again? And can you believe, that I wrote an essay in like fifth grade, talking about how people should appreciate Easter more as a religious holiday than one that you are presented with candy? Psh. Never would’ve thought that I’d turn into an unholy, *gasp* non-religious being later on in life.

… The music scene around here sucks.

Oh, watched 24 last night, finally. Uh. I’ve started to zone out. But then I zoned in when,

OMGZ! MS. AUDREY RAINES IS DEAD!

(while trying to get Jack out of the Chinese prison.. That sucks on so many levels! haha, dude, haha. Don’t mess with the ninjas! /political incorrect) Oh, no, Mr. Cassar, you can’t trick me here. They are elaborating way too much- she is not dead. She is not. Because (here come the examples):

1. When Edgar died last season, Chloe even cried, and they didn’t bring him up again.

2. When Tony died, they did not bring him up again. Not even once.

3. The only people that they have ever truly elaborated on after their death, was Jack’s wife back in season one, and David Palmer.

4. Uh. Kim Raver signed up as a special guest for season six.

*pwn’d.* And, if I’m wrong (which, I surely am not!).. This never happened. But, to affirm my confidence, I will write my thought out in huge capital letters.

AUDREY RAINES IS NOT DEAD!

ha. Major crime solving skills, yes. But I now have to reason Tony’s death. Because I have a slight obsession in that arena.

Milo: Chloe, I need you to do something for me.

Chloe: No.

Milo: I need you to check Morris’ breath for me, please.

Chloe: Okay, fine.

*Chloe goes up to Morris and gives him a kiss*

Morris: What was that about?

Chloe: Oh, just checking your breath.

/Major Chloe-love.

I will pretend you won’t be gone

… “Distance dilutes rewrites, and rewrites. But I keep asking you to tell me what is wrong, and you, you just tell me that it’s nothing at all. But in your helplessness, I can see. “

Lots of stuff has been going on. I stayed home from school, if I hadn’t noted that already. Yesterday was Allie’s birthday and it took me forever to decide what to get her. I hope she liked my present. It took my forever and a day to make it. I made a mixtape, and the CD jacket consisted of lottery tickets and the tracklisting was written on two pieces of cosmetic ingredient lists. It’s cooler than it sounds. I also gave her some recipes.

I rode the bus home with Allie yesterday and stayed at her house, then we dined at the bistro. All in all, I had a wonderful time, though I feel guilty that they had to spend money on me. That restaurant was really expensive. Beautiful, but expensive. I got home at like nine thirty. I love how lately, when I go out, I manage to get home well into the evening.

We went to McChord today. It’s raining so much right now. So much for the whole spring-starts-on-the-twentieth thing.

I’ve been having conversations with the object of my affections. And I really suck at being a conversationalist with a person who is the epitome of my thoughts. It’s almost like, when you have a dream about somebody and then you talk to them soon after, and you’re afraid that it might show. And he picked up one of the papers I was writing on that I was writing about him on. Uh. I’m counting my lucky stars there- I didn’t write his name down. But he asked me who I was writing about. And I said nobody. *roll eyes* it’s about you. *feeble smile* So then he wrote something in the middle of the text. I have no idea as to what those characters read. It’s probably something really stupid.

Life is sexually transmitted

… “So please take me far away before I melt into the ground, and all my words get used against me… Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out, and baby come on, isn’t there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on.”

That has been stuck in my head all day long. And “Make You Smile”. They’re both really great, though.

WASL’d. Uh. Extraordinarily stupid. I had no motivation to do it so my answers really sucked. Just watch, Amanda’s going to graduate when she is thirty.

After I finished testing I was walking down the hallway to first period [we had like five minutes left] and Logan was at his locker. I went over to talk to him. Uh. The smart, amazing, sarcastic Amanda -> shy, nervous, trying-really-hard-to-impress, non-conversational Amanda. Thanks you so much, dear adolescent self-consciousness. I hardly even remember what I said, which is probably a good thing.

… But the scene was absolutely perfect. The mental image is by far, one of my favorites. It’s far too shallow for people to understand XD

Allie and I were walking to class with Logan to spanish as well. The smart and witty Amanda managed to fudge two sentences into the conversation. What does this remind me of?

Aev92 [9:37 PM]: Ugh.. There’s this dude at school that I’ve known ever since seventh grade, right

carminajo i [9:37 PM]: yeah

Aev92 [9:38 PM]: I’ve always admired him, but I never thought I’d really like him, but the other day he was walking by me in the lab and I found myself really wanting him to come by me. It was really weird! So out of nowhere I thought to myself, “well, now I know the extent of my crush on Logan [the dude I've known since seventh grade]“.. It really sucks, though, because I know that I would never act on my feelings, and that led me to start thinking even more about how he would never know how much I adore him

Aev92 [9:39 PM]: We hang out with different people, so it wouldn’t work, you know?
carminajo i [9:39 PM]: noo it can
Aev92 [9:39 PM]: It’s like
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: To him, I’m probably just an acquaintance and not an actual friend, so this whole crush on him would come out of nowhere
Aev92 [9:40 PM]: But then again, we’ve known each other for so long, and this year [we used to have alot of classes together, but this year we only have two], he told me that he missed having me around
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: He told me that in person, too, which made me feel really special xD
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: lol
carminajo i [9:41 PM]: awww
Aev92 [9:41 PM]: lol
Aev92 [9:43 PM]: he’s such a nice boy, everybody loves him to death. He makes me laugh everytime I see him, he’s such a great guy. He’s very classy and has actual standards. And he dresses nicely, too! He’s actually pretty cute. He’s very smart and he’s into politics, which is pretty cool, I guess. We have the most interesting conversations when we get the chance to talk
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: LOL!!!
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: that’s cool
carminajo i [9:43 PM]: i bet a lot of girls like him then?
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: Actually, not so much. As long as I’ve known him, I haven’t heard that many girls liking him
carminajo i [9:44 PM]: oh…
Aev92 [9:44 PM]: I mean, it’s like- everybody loves him, but the whole concept of him having a girlfriend would be so odd. Aev92 [9:45 PM]: I haven’t told that many people about this crush on him because of that
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: ohhh
carminajo i [9:45 PM]: chemistry is not always a good thing carminajo i [9:46 PM]: what sucks is i’m discovering that it’s not necessarily an indicator of a true connection
Aev92 [9:47 PM]: Ugh, I feel like crying when I see him now, it’s so weird. I’ve never felt like that before- he’s so unattainable, but I can’t not like him for that, because he’s such a great guy to be around
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: yeah, I know really
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: awwwww
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: damn i know how you feel
Aev92 [9:48 PM]: xD
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: and when hyou see them
carminajo i [9:48 PM]: it’s like you want them to come to you carminajo i [9:49 PM]: or you just stare at eachother
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: yeah
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say to him carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i was like “where at” and he said “tahoe/reno”
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: that’s where they’re tgoing snowboarding
Aev92 [7:13 PM]: XD
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: now it’s like a dead conversation carminajo i [7:13 PM]: hahahahahha
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i don’t know what to say
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: omg
carminajo i [7:13 PM]: i suck

I also love lj-cut. Because I can reduce the entry size dramatically, which leaves you with *somewhat* less scrolling.

Oh, and did I mention that I now have an illness? Yes, I have a cold. Uh. It really sucks. And everyone around here is getting it. At least, if I’m sick enough, I’ll be able to stay home tomorrow. Uh.

One- sleeping meds are not working. I’m so tired of the world. I’m so tired of love. And couples. And touching. And exclusion. And inclusion. And drama. And supposed psychological maturation. And gifts. And love. And infatuation. And limerence. And invisibility. And visibility. And speechlessness. And hopelessness. And stupidity. And typicality. And hope. And dreaming. And losing sleep. And stress. And loneliness. And doubt. And confidence.

If happiness is created by the self, then why can’t I create it for myself? I mean- my life is perfect right now. But all I can think about is ______. My life is perfect and I can’t even realize it because of that. It’s so exhausting. And absorbing. It’s amazing how much ignorance can hurt. And it’s the same. It will probably never change. And I don’t know what effect these words are having. Are they making the situation better or worse for me?

He’ll never love me. There you go.

And no, I’m not writing this hoping for sympathy. You know me better than that. Despite the claims, I still believe these words will be left unread. I’m not expecting these words to be understood by anyone else besides me. Merely putting these words out of my mind makes me feel better, I guess. It’s better than having them jumble around, hoping these qualifying poetic puzzles will be remembered.

Did you know that out of the 11,000,000 bits of information that we recieve per second, only forty of those are actually processed? Amazing, yes. It doesn’t make me a psychology nerd if I checked out a textbook on psychology to read recreationally, right?

This article has really got me thinking.

But I still cannot find an answer.. Why do people define other people according to their musical preferences? Even though I am extremely musically inclined, I cannot fathom the answer. I’m truly stumped.

O.o I realize how typical I am. But isn’t typicality hard to escape? People take out whatever they put in. So if I try to see myself as such, I’d probably find some arguments (whether it is weak or not) that support that idea. I just talk about the same things all the time, it seems. Boys. Hopelessness. My current mental state. School. Shopping. And my views of other people. But is that something that I should be thinking about? If I were to broaden my horizons, what should I be thinking about instead?

You were always so far away

… “The last time I saw you, you turned away. I said hello, but you kept on walking, I went deaf from the sound of the freeway… If I could, I’d only want to make you smile. “

So yesterday, I felt really sick. I feel just fine now, I guess, dad’s really sick too. And considering the fact that living in confined places with other relatives is practiced in modern western civilizations, the virus is happily thriving off of all the people living here. So I am expecting for this to progress quite a bit over the next couple of days.

I am going through the worst writer’s block right now. I was reading about how writer’s block is most common in good writers. And I’m not just saying that now because I know that it’s a good thing now, apparently. I acknowdedge the whole “writer’s block” thing, but I’m not so sure about the whole “good writer” thing.

O.o Mozilla Firefox > AOL. But sadly, that means my visibility in the whole AIM universe is more or less, gone. “Mother, I believe I have mastered verbal eloquence!” I’m such a dork. XD

This is my apology

… “this is my anthology, this is my reason for treason, and she said she’s moving to Ontario, and she said, she said, this is the last time you will be mine.. You’ve got a problem, through all these years, we’re gonna lie, laying together baby, and when you roll with the punches, come along with me, we’re gonna stay together, love, singing, love will be.”

No WASL’d, today. But we do, indeed, have it next week. Uh.

Yeah. I was awake all night last night. No sleep for Amanda. At all. So I watched tons of tv movies (mostly starring B-list actors or that one girl from Full House.) and surprisingly, not ALL channels have paid programming during the nighttime.

I talked to him in first period today. Gosh, I miss him so much. And I separated myself from him, mostly because if I were to make a connection, it wouldn’t be healthy at all for my psyche. I am such an idiot.

I got home and was welcomed by a comment from Trent. He used the acronym “plz”. No. That’s a definite turn off. I had the hugest urge to send him a comment back, like this:

“omgz i m sooooo sry 4 Bing smrtr than U. RLY!1111!!! i prmise 2 b mre careful nxt tme. ill b a lil stned when i do so, but jst soo lng as u undrstnd wut i am saying, u knoe! mi lil bro wus teh 1 who sent u that comment, not meh! luv bbies”

the other ones. And everything else in your life. He means so much more than he will ever know. I want to immerse myself with work. I want to sew because the sun is finally coming out. And the weather is somewhat decent. I really need to be less of a pessimist. Yesterday was Mark Hoppus’ birthday. I love that dude. wow, I’ve managed to update every day this week, I believe. I may as well leave some entertaining things for the few that read my blog.

The Mindhacks blog. It’s been one of my slight obsessions over the world wide webberverse.

Although this is a band that I have been raving about forever, putting the link up might entice more people to get into them.

Come on, it’s free!

Interesting, but filler. It makes my blog look cool.

Aww! Yes, it’s authentic. And I believe, I held that in my hands at the ripe age of eight. I knew she entered a contest, but I didn’t think she really won. O.o

Dopesick couples on the lower east side

… “against the graffiti wall, we know no law at all.”

For example:

if you score an eighty one in sociability, eighty one percent of people are less social than you are, and eighteen percent of people are more social than you are.

1 Helpful (score = 59)

2 Sociable (score = 39)

3 Need for Approval (score = 37)

4 Dependent (score = 49)

5 Tense (score = 31)

6 Rigid (score = 25)

7 Controlling (score = 63)

8 Competitive (score = 28)

9 Conscientious (score = 58)

10 Achieving (score = 3)

11 Innovative (score = 82)

Summary of results Below is a brief summary of your results. If you wish to learn more, click here (or scroll down) to purchase an extensive 15-page report that includes detailed personalized analysis and customized tips for improvement.

* Likes to be the one in control; wants to do things his/her way

* Wants to lead

* Moody; gets angry and irritable

* Sarcastic and cynical

* Impulsive

* Passionate about friendships, values, beliefs

* Friendly but combative; socially inconsistent

* Likes people but does not fully trust them

* Seeks excitement, stimulation, activity; gets bored easily

* Very assertive, expressive, opinionated

* Gets upset and angry easily, quick temper, argumentative

* Strong sense of urgency; in a hurry

* Unusual combination of traits - very possibly will be perceived by others as aggressive and rigid and far less patient and sociable

Uhh. How accurate is this, really? I’m not sure if it is true or not because all of the statements seem rather… General. Don’t they? Who doesn’t want to be in control? I do agree with the “socially inconsistent”. I don’t know if I should, though. Oh, the gray areas. This quiz was from psychology today, so that’s supposed to be reliable.

But realize that all the major news stations that are supposedly reliable, are censored by the government and have other outside influences.

What’s excellent though, is that there are certain tests from psychology today that are “upgradeable”. What does that mean, America? Yes, you have to pay to get an “upgrade”. … And yet another:

Your locus of control appears to be in the mid-range between internal and external orientation. In general, you probably feel that while you can very well control and influence many aspects of your life, there are things that just happen to you and that are outside of your personal control. And I doubt that anybody else besides me really cares. I don’t expect it, but it’s pretty cool being able to write this down somewhere.

… And another nother: What does your score mean? According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement.
/egotism

You’ll never return it.

… “When you go away, my heart comes undone, slowly unravel, like a ball of yarn. The devil collects it, and with a grin, I love, in a ball of yarn. You’ll never return it.”

“Unravel” has always been my least favorite song by Something Corporate. Andrew sounds slightly constipated.. O.o But Inside The Pocket has been stuck in my head all day long, it’s such a happy song!

“My palms were sweating, my heart was beating, and my leg was shaking with how badly I wanted you with me! You came to me and said this could be something, I’ll take something over nothing anyday. What’s with me and the way that I’ve been lately? What’s with you and the way you make me feel?”

I finally found the word for the romantic desperation that I’ve been feeling- heartache. It’s the worst word to ever use because it is so ubiquitous. And so terribly corny. x__x

WASL’d. Really stupid, but I managed to get out of english/spanish/part of food science. Took math quiz test today.. I left some answers blank to get back to them later. And I never got back to them. Whatever- it doesn’t matter! Haha, american education system, HA HA!

I got home and lo and behold- cheese and broccoli soup awaits. Freaking awesome.

Everyone is so depressed lately, I want to make all of it go away! I want to surprise everyone with something, but I have no idea as to what I should do. And tomorrow is Friday! The sun is shining! Oh, I’m so euphoric right now! I have no idea why, but oh! Is it possible for the world to look this way forever?! And he was laughing today in first. I feel so silly. And me and him looked at each other for a few seconds, in some weird way- I feel like there was some kind of connection. But that’s the illogical side of me talking. It’s a side effect of the euphoria.. But I still feel hopeful right now. I feel like anything in the world could happen to me at this moment. And I just can’t stop smiling this stupid grin. Oh, dear.

“You’ve got to hold, hold open my eyelids if you’re gonna shake, shake, shake ’till the morning, I’m gonna put, put things in perspective and it’s gonna take, take, take my precious time! All we need is a reason, for us to dance, dance, dance ’till the break of dawn! All we need is a hook now, for us to shout, shout, shout these words out!” Oh, The World. I love TSL.

You’re so high and I’m so down

… “this night’ll end sooner but much sooner now. Though I’m weak inside, I’m thriving just the same, still calling out your name, wondering who it is that I should blame. Stabbing hard and buried consciousness and fear, forgetting others I hold dear.”

And we WASL’d. This is getting really old, so quickly. Tomorrow we have it, and I expected tomorrow to be the day off and Friday to consist of testing. But no. Thanks, Washington Assessment of Student Learning. And I got back to class about halfway through.

Then I went to food science and ate cinnamon buns. They were okay, though a little on the rare side. Then Digitools, where I submit myself to typing tests and nerdy little pre-pubescent boys. Then math, where the drama is immeasurable. Then science, where the drama is just a little bit more. Then home, where I made croissants. They are yummy.

“I would salvage my journal from an untimely death if my home were destined to such a star-crossed fate of being caught on fire. My journal is a microcosm of ideas and concepts that only an angst-filled teenage girl would think about. Though heroically rescuing my journal would not palliate the pain of losing my childhood home, it would certainly keep me entertained, although there are probably other activities that I would prefer.”

That is what I wrote in my WASL testing booklet. And that is only a part of the four-page expository literary masterpiece that I managed to conjure up.

Total WordMaster words: two

Total innuendos that I managed to insert: Three.

You know me, not letting the WASL grading standards from getting in the way of my pride. Me > WASL.

Today was also Mix It Up Day. This is brought to the general school population by the same people who suggested the Martin Luther King assembly, I believe. After two questions, the conversation with a wonderful young lady went like this:

Some girl: “Do you like your school?”

Me: “What kind of a question is that?!”

Some girl: “Just answer, yes or no.”

Me: “Uhh.. Yes. I love my school so much that I gladly participate in Mix It Up Day.”

I think that’s how it went. Memory loss > Me.

We had a conversation today in science that somehow came to elephant mating rituals. I don’t know, either.

Oh, I’m in a great mood today, just like yesterday. I’m tired of this obligation to carry out my evolutionary responsibilities. I wish I could go asexual.

Hmm. I haven’t talked intelligently about music for a while. I watched MTV for the first time in months a few nights ago when I was a slight insomniac. They are playing the same videos that they did the last last time I saw it. Pathetic. Which justifies my MTV boycott to such extraordinary heights.

… And usually I can snap out of it by telling myself, “he’s not that great”. But I can’t. Because he is.

The sunlight’s overwhelming to see

…”which is composed of you and me, in our finest moment. And amazing illusion was made with trick photography, and it seems like you’re really, you’re really.. It feels like you’re really here! I’ll swing from a streetlight, and sing, oh, oh, oh. I’m stuck in the meantime! And we’re oh so, oh so, close!”

We WASL’d today. Which was a waste of time. Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to mock the administrator as he asked us, “Are there any words that you need to know the meaning of before we begin?”…?

Oh, and how is this logical: ” The first rap acts will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame.” Do you realize how the subject and the predicate are exact opposites?!

*omgz angst!*

Oh, god. I’ve become just about the most pathetic person. I mean, why do I keep doing this? I truly sicken myself. And it’s not like I’m desperate. I could get some if I tried. Though with minimal effort, I could be secure in a relationship right now. But gosh, this situation makes me feel so.. Unwanted.

I’m in a horrible, awful angry mood right now so.. I’ll make a list of things that suck.

1. Vending machines.

2. Old people.

3. Young people.

4. Happy people.

5. Stupid people.

6. People who are always on the lookout for mates

7. People who don’t value their own freedom

8. People who claim to love itunes but only use it to buy radio singles.

9. All these stupid songs that everyone is hanging on, oh god.

10. Black clothing because they always get lint on it

11. (insert name here.)

12. infatuation.

That’s a short list. But I’m not really into making that kind of list.

Top ten songs for the slightly melancholic Amanda:

1. No Uniform is Gonna Keep You Warm- Nightmare Of You

2. Classic Jazz- The Starting Line

3. Seventy Times Seven (live)- Brand New

4. Letters To Noelle- Something Corporate

5. Live From The Crime Scene- Four Year Strong

6. Ready Aim Misfire- New Years Day

7. Songs For Her- The Starting Line

8. Playing Favorites- The Starting Line

9. In Between Days- The Cure

10. Second Star To The Left, Go Until Dawn- Copeland

11. Thanks, You’re The Best- The Starting Line

And even though he hasn’t rejected me. Or even really acknowledged me. I can’t believe how this has taken a toll on me. And I don’t think that anyone else has noticed. I don’t expect it, but still. I read the papers that I wrote about it from a few months ago. Surprisingly enough, nothing has changed. I just feel worse. Thanks.

That’s the day that passes..

… “and the night, and it’s like, I can’t hold on. I can’t hold on. I’m uneasy, and I’m weak in the knees and I try not to breathe, and I believe it, I believe in you’re gone, and I was the one to let you… I’m staring at the clock but the clock doesn’t talk, it just stands still. A head full of fuzz and a buzz that adds to the scandal. No, I can’t handle three nights. So I shudder to think when the nights turn to weeks. Am I all right? The comedian said a day without light’s just…”

Was completely late this morning; got my essay back and I didn’t see any bad marks, but I still got a ninety two; I nearly fell asleep during the first two classes; started making cinnamon buns and impressed lots of my friends by showing how good I am at cooking (really, I did. O.o); lalala.

We’re doing WASL tomorrow, the writing part. It’ll be all right, since I don’t care much about making the grade.

I now realize that since I’m retaking algebra next year, this year’s grade will not count at all. So is that my cue to start slacking off? I really don’t know whether I should keep on pushing through since it won’t matter. And because it won’t count, I see no merit in really working hard now. You know me and my die-hard passion for mathematics.

“You’re not bigger than this, not better, why can’t you learn?”

He looked at me again today. A lot of “again”s were occurring actually. I’m not considering it any form of progress, I’m merely saying it. And although I shouldn’t expect anything to come out of this afar obsession, why do I feel like I will? Why do I feel like all of this will matter in the end? When will “in the end” come? And even though all of this mental anguish is self induced, I still lay the blame on him. I don’t know why. It’s completely illogical, considering he hardly even acknowledges me as a person.. Why would he even believe that all those papers I’ve filled up, are merely questioning the situation and his general idea?

And I wrote those papers long before I really admitted it to people. But these thoughts have progressed alot over these past couple of months. When you first see the reference to him in my blog, even though it is in the most casual way, I was actually halfway to the degree of infatuation that I am in now. Oh, I’d love to see his face if he were to find out that those papers, filled front to back in every crevice- are about him. Actually, if anybody were to find that out, they’d be a little freaked out. It’s not a secret or anything, but honestly- if I were to find out something like that, I wouldn’t know how to respond. Especially if I didn’t admire that person the same way that they admire me.

“Don’t you know that I miss you? All my life I’ll try today, there’s so much I felt I should say but, even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain. Could you mean this, please, if it happens? If you don’t, no honey, why don’t you just say so?”

You grew up and you sparkled, but why don’t you care?

… “And what did I do, that you can’t seem to want me? And why do we lie here and whisper goodbye? And where can I go where you can’t seem to haunt me? I could stay here all day, but that’s not how you feel.”

I’m currently watching Grosse Point Blank, which has John Cusack in it. You know I couldn’t help it. And I’m thinking of watching Say Anything… Later, as well as Pretty In Pink.

I went to the mall today with Allie and she persuaded me to buy shoes. Actually, she bought the shoes for me. I promised her that I’ll get her a present, or at least a very decent present, for her birthday as a way to repay her for it. But my title of Procrastinator does not help me here at all.

I need to get started on my essay. Which is the very last thing that I have motivation to do. And I would hope that I will accomplish this goal sometime later today. I watched the SoCo concert that I got on DVD. I completely forgot how Andrew’s voice is a bajillion times better live.

I am also adjusting the other sweater that I bought yesterday. It’s really cute, but it is a tad bit bit on me. It’s black, and it is (this is the designer snob side of me talking) DKNY. It was seventy five percent off, ftw.

So, I had a dream last night. About him. And no, it wasn’t those kind of dreams. Or that kind. I’ve been talking about him alot lately and I suppose the mechanism in my brain that commits things to memory decided to convey to me that it is doing its job, by merely letting me remember that I had the dream. It was surprisingly hopeful, considering the fact that the only parts of the dream that I remember is that we were talking for hours during springtime. *le sigh*

“So where do we go from here?”

… “I’ll say, you’re a shining star, you’ll do great in LA, and I keep fixing every habit that I break… You’re calling out my name as the air escapes.”

I’ve been grounded so.. My internet life is pretty much all messed up. I now realize how dependent I am on these artificial outlets. Depressing, yes.

I bought two new sweaters today/ got ten percent off of one of them because it had a hole in it. I am that cheap, that I got the guts up to talk to the manager to get ten percent off.

WASL is next week and it’ll be boring. But at least I’ll get out of the majority of my classes during that time. Even though my english teacher is assigning a rough draft to be due soon. Despite the fact that she repeated the date that it is due at least five times- she had to correct herself so I now have no understanding of the schedule. Whatever.

I’m so tired of discussing my schedule. I’m tired of my parent’s adversary complex. And although it is logical only because they are my parents and technically, they are my adversaries, I still see no merit in it. They are only considered my adversaries because they are my parents, not because they necessarily have accomplished or acheived that status- the status is more or less given to them just because they birthed me. I could birth a child but I would be considered its adversary. The whole concept of superiority and general egotism is really stupid if you are given a status without any true reasoning behind it.

Err. I went without makeup on thursday I think. I was crying for like two days straight. I even cried during lunch, which was pretty pathetic. And tons of people showed me sympathy and were asking me what was wrong, and even though I hate it when people do it to me, I told them not to worry about it. It’s not that I was trying to be dramatic. I just didn’t want to talk about it. And even though it is not logical to anticipate that; considering I was crying and people naturally want to know what is going on, oh god. So my eyes were puffy and red. And most people thought that I was really tired. And I was, but I was not tired because of lack of sleep. Actually, I’ve been napping quite a bit lately.

Uhh.. Allie’s been experiencing some boy problems lately. It’s the complete opposite of my situation. Yes, ladies and gentlemen- Allie is getting a honeyman. (oh, the possibilities to name her new sugardaddy. This is going to be fun.) and another friend of mine is going to get another boyfriend. Hopefully, this relationship will provide her with more memories than the ones she aquired through the one day that she dated him. It’s amazing how I can be so wordy on a topic that is so angsty.

I bought the new Psychology Today and another magazine called Good. It’s the media issue and it’s talking about the lies that the press are talking about. I’m so ecstatic that the world is becoming more and more aware [as am I] about topics like these. But then again, you probably have never heard of magazines like Adbusters and Good. So, I am wrong about how the world is becoming more aware.. =(

… And the clouds were censoring the tops of the mountains. Oh, the things I will never see.

I read Don’t Believe What You Think: The Top Five Mistakes We Make While Thinking, and it talked about alot of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately. It was like, people tend to prefer stories over statistics, they put their beliefs first.. etc. Hilary Clinton consulted an astronomer to help her plan her husband’s press conferences. A majority of the choices that Clinton made throughout his run in office was motivated by his belief in astronomy. Isn’t that amazing? Of course, everyone else in the world probably knows this except for me. XD

Beautiful secret lies

… “Fight all the while, fight so you think I’m free.”

According to this video, Motion City Soundtrack’s new album is titled Even If it Kills Me and due in stores July 17th. Andandand I think that Commit This To Memory was released on July 26th of 2005, I think. *teenybopper scream* AH! IT’S COMING OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Although I am boycotting from buying things produced from the RIAA, that’s still awesome (Okay, even IF the thing is just for March. I’m thinking of not buying something like that for a while.)

In some weird way, it connects me to the band. Synchronicity.

I napped after school yesterday which resulted in me going to the sophmore orientation completely undone. And then we got there and realized we were an hour early so we went to our local Red Apple and bought a lottery ticket. We went home. So, no sophmore orientation, but hey, David Wieland/Debbie was there and he got to see me with no makeup. He didn’t look all weirded out, so that boosted my confidence about not wearing it.

Oh, and I found thirty cents in a vending machine that somebody forgot about. It was awesome. That same day during lunch, I found a penny.

Total money yield of 3-6-07: $.31

I’m tired of thinking about school/schedules/college/math.. Really- this is the constant burden that we are subdued to. This isn’t about wasting six and a half hours.

Dear you:

I can’t stand being around you anymore. I want you to leave. I want to tell you so. I want to see you hurt and understand how I feel. You aren’t as great as you think you are. I do not need to know any of this additional information about you and your life. Actually, I do not even want to hear the phrases that your voice makes. Ever. I act like I’m not into it because I’m not. I ignore you for a reason. I spite you for a reason. I’m not even friendly to you, and you still don’t get it. And you have even overhear me say these things. I said them around you not because I didn’t notice that you were around. You aren’t funny. You aren’t even that smart. You are as annoying as she is and as awkward as they are. I don’t see any merit in your existence. At least around me.

Dear you:

He’s not as great as you believe he is. He’s not even that cute. And why “forgive” me for making fun of him? I don’t apologize. He deserves it. And it’s not like it should matter to you in the first place. Just because he is your significant other, it doesn’t mean that you and him are the same person. That’s just creepy. And just a little pathetic. And don’t tell me about your secret ‘desires’. You’ve already gone far enough. Stop making him seem like this bigger person than he is. You have already accused him of ‘cheating’ on you.. Stop dramatizing the situation. I don’t even think that you sincerely believe this, you are just acting like you are to make yourself look a little more “mature”.

Dear you:

It’s amazing how I see you all the time. I see you walking away in a different room; you leave five seconds before I do. You arrive ten seconds after I do. And you never have these moments in reverse. And the other day, your voice was directed in my general area- not to me, but to people around me. I don’t know how to interpret that. But it’s still one of those things that have been driving me crazy over the past couple of hours. Let sleep come with a fork, knife, and a spoon, so I can see this again.

Why leave when you claim it’s love?

… “Why stay when you’re not the only one?”

I got my ReadyMade magazine today. Swt. Did not attempt to do makeup much today. Wore my glasses. Spring is finally here. The sun is coming out. Cooking tomorrow in food science. Tired of research. Need sleep. Need to get cheered up. He annoys me so much. I can’t stand it anymore.