If you don’t find a love you want

… “If I have acted ungracefully.. I never meant to make you want to leave.”

Oh, god. Please, tell me that you hate me. Tell me that I mean nothing to you. That way, I can push you out of my mind forever. So I can quit punishing myself over thinking of you. So I can stop wasting time thinking of you. And writing about you, constantly. Those pieces of paper that have words filled in every crevice. Those that I have even written your name, because I know that you will never read them. The sentences, proses, lies, and truths.. You didn’t expect all of them to be about you. I didn’t expect it either, they just spilled across the page. You’ll never know. Or lie, and tell me you love me. I know I couldn’t make you that happy. But I’ll try more than they would. And I try to fill my life with people who love me just as much as _ _____ ___. I could explode- you’ll never know! Never, ever. And you saw me. And I saw you. But I can’t decide if you saw me, or just saw through me. The first is the hopeful thought, the second is what I’ve been trying to confirm. You would have no reason to. As I have no reason to. All the time. I think of it, all the time. It always comes back to this. I do not even want to label these thoughts that have been haunting me for so long. It makes everything so much more confirmed, out of my denial.

I ignore the memories and the words that you have said to me, as they are the brightest in the bunch. And the voice inside my head starts to break up as I speak these quietly to myself, a whisper is too loud to say these things.

“Choose the one who loves you most.”

I’ve never been so happy to see

… “A photograph of me, then when graced by your company.. I’ll swing by the streetlight, sing, oh, oh, oh. I’m stuck in the meantime. But we’re oh, oh, oh so close. The sunlight’s overwhelming the scene that’s composed of you and me in our finest moment, an amazing illusion was made with trick photography it seems like you’re really…you’re really… it seems like you’re really here.”

“Photography” has been stuck in my head all day long. I can’t believe I overlooked this song because it was so slow and acoustic. I love the starting line.. ["Oh, oh, oh."]

I got my math test back. Fifty four. And I cried. And cried. I didn’t care who was watching. I’m tired of failure. And even though crying does not change a thing, it certainly helps me deal with it. As my eyes are webbed and stung. As my skin is retaining so much moisture. As my painted face suddenly falls apart with the black streaked awkwardness that I am composed of.

Before I say too much, please just know that I’m not obsessed, or so nearly depressed, or anything like that. Please hear what I have to say, because I don’t feel this way everyday. As a matter of fact, I’ve never had this feeling before. And I’d like to feel it more. So can I stare as you ascend the stairs? Now are you aware that I fell into your eyes at first sight? And I know we’ve never spoke a word. And I know this might sound strange to you. But I just can’t stop thinking of you.

Oh, how I wish those were words that I really wrote. Because they are the epitome of everything that I feel right now. And in just about the way that I would probably say it. I looked at him today in first. And he was looking at me too. Oh, god, I hate you so much for making me feel like it meant something. And don’t notice the tears in my eyes, as I realize the extent of the situation.

This happens everyday in the exact same way but that is the part that I try to forget. Tell me that I mean something. Anything, anything. Oh, be my weatherman and lie if the words still come out. I replay these moments in my mind the way I hoped for them to be, so there might be the slightest possibility. If I could open up my heart and let you out, I would never have to believe these things. I would never have to lie about these things.

It’s a tragic case of..

… “Bad taste, and it’s all concerning you who truly can’t appreciate the mess you’ve made.. Sharpen your overacting skills to cut through the tension.”

OMGZ PICZ! Yuup. I’ve finally done-did it. But.. I have some stuff to say first. I’ll make it as short and sweet as I can:

1. I downloaded the SXSW torrent file for this year.. I knew it was a huge file, but I did not expect, get this- Seven hundred and forty six songs in that torrent file. It took me all night to download it [after the frustration of getting UTorrent.. Dear god; forward this port, do this, type this.. I almost killed the computer.] but I’m looking forward to listening to it. Aaand… We Are The Fury is on it, and I already knew about them. FTW!

2. I also downloaded some free EPs from The Graduate, Hopefield, Briertone, Paper Models, and Kiss Kiss. I’m looking forward to this one, too.

3. Dear god, it’s Sunday already! XD

4. I found this new channel called Link, that seems pretty awesome. It is completely viewer sponsored so there are no commercials.. Although, you can tell, it has all these old people on it. I’m watching a documentary on that channel now called Affluenza. It was made in like nineteen ninety seven, but it is pretty awesome. In Colorado, they have school buses that have advertisements on them. Or they had, ten years ago.. Oh, dude, nineteen ninety seven WAS a decade ago! *shudder*

5. I’m finally digging into my TSL b-sides. And my Copeland live stuff. Swt. TIME FOR THE PIXZ! They are from the portland trip, so enjoy. This is one of the very few, well-done pictures that I took on the trip. That’s the lighthouse we went to.. On the way up to the lighthouse.. It was much darker than that- it only looks somewhat lit because the flash on the camera turned on by accident. Or maybe on purpose- I have no idea if the flash turns on automatically or not. .. From the top of the lighthouse. It was freaking freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth. Yup- we were up there for like three seconds because it turns out, dad’s afraid of heights, as well as my mother. I was just fine, so I took pictures XD Yup, we actually got ON the bridge, too! =D That’s on the bridge, as well. O.o I told you that I took terrible pictures. What can you expect when you are in a car and your brother is trying to put the peace sign in the frame?! Hmm. Doesn’t that remind you of that one picture that I took last Spring on the way to California? I didn’t realize the connection until now. Creepy. You can see the fog. That was pretty awesome. As much as I’d love to give you the other 1565498431 more pictures to see, I’ll save them for later. These make entries interesting, and as sad enough as it is- I hardly have the choice to post real pictures. Aww, why not one more?

One of my favorites. It’s from the coastline, I believe.

Two to none

…”The roads that lead away from this, I’m fallen myself, just this once. I’ve got spun, it appears you are spun as well, it happens when you’re paying attention. Oh, say you’ll miss me.”

Ehh. It’s another entry, separate by a matter of minutes. But whatever. The air is white ourside. We haven’t gotten much fog lately, so it’s hard to believe. It snowed last night, once more, but it’s going away. When we pass the bridge to mcchord every other weekend, it’s early so it’s always foggy. But when you’re looking there, it really makes you wonder about “forever”.

We watched 24 [finally] this afternoon. President Logan is back! Ah.. Three seasons in a row?! But yeah, I love it when they bring characters back. It’s really awesome. Even though President Logan was such a pansy. And abused his wife. And cooporated with terrorists. And was going to assassinate Jack Bauer..What was I saying before?

CTRL+TAB is the most awesome keyboard shortcut ever. Considering the fact that I always open a link in a new window. Always. Katie Hedrick laughed at me in health because of it… *weeps* I want to make something but I am not sure. I took tons of lottery tickets from a gas station on the way to Portland so I can turn them into something. I’m thinking a wallet. Even though I have been planning on making a wallet for months. And I made one, but I didn’t like it. And another. So, uh.. Yeah.

I need to use up that alpaca yarn. But there is not enough to make a sweater. And I have like three hats. And I have more than enough scarves. And I am not going to make socks for myself. No.

I should listen to some Men Women & Children. I haven’t listened to them in months, and I have been feeling nostalgic lately.

I have been doing that whole Project Gutenburg thing. It’s so cool, I spent hours downloading free e-books.

“This is just as sad as watching a soap opera while you are owning someone anyways- and if you aren’t owning them and you are simply hoping.”

Can you believe I said that in May? About the boy with the aubergine voice?

What’s with me..

… “And the way I’ve been lately? What’s with you and the way you make me feel? And I’m scared ’cause these things fall apart, electric baby, and I’ve known it from the start, so please forgive me for being like I am, but I’ll take you if I can.”

We went to McChord today, I bought a new sweater, a shirt, and Adbusters magazine.

I’ve been lusting after this magazine for months and I finally got up the courage to spend the eight dollars on it. That magazine really got me thinking- there’s a quote from it that I want you to read. But I’ll do that later, maybe. There was an article about how companies are transforming our generation into consumers, and I was amazed on how true it was. I mean- think about it, the one place that we go to hang out with people is where? Yes, the mall. And what do people do in malls? Yes, we shop. And I thought to myself that I need to get away from being a consumer.

I realized how much I would not want to give up watching tv, or the internet. That made me think even more about how influenced I am. This affirms my choice to not have children. Why would I want to bring my child into a world like this? We, Americans, are corrupt and do anything for profit. Sex is everywhere. Can you imagine what a moral person from a poor little village in another country, must think of us? Yes, I am paraphrasing what I read from Adbusters. But still, that magazine is so thought-provoking. I highly recommend you to spend those ten dollars on it- it is completely worth it. And that is alot, coming from a cheap person.

I’m..

… “I’m jealous of you moon, tonight you get to see her, alone beneath the stars and everything I fear, all my strength was tranquilized and everyday I get weaker, but stronger when I think of how we never sat silent, it was a big mistake to let me have my way in the first place, it was a big mistake to let me I memorize your face.”

I’m such a wreck, and it’s really starting to show. The math test went okay, to some degree. The science test on the other hand, went terribly. There is no way that I could possibly pull an A here. My essay ended up pretty terrible as well. Whatever.

We might go to Portland tomorrow again, after McChord.

I might actually have an actual conversation with the aesthetically pleasing dude. Anthony is taking care of it. I’m not sure how, or if he will work it out, but Anthony and I are on relatively good terms, so one would think that will motivate him to work at it. Anthony and I are talking via internet, which is pretty impersonal, but considering the fact that I do not have lunch with him anymore. I guess this is what some people call ‘progress’. I deserve something good to happen to me, here. I am so tired of other people.

Here are my complaints:

1. Stop being so moronic, and believing that I really care about your SO.

2. Religion is not something that needs to be advertised. Stop talking about god and church, and I will resist the urge to hit you over the head with a stapler.

3. Stop being so gosh-darned romantic. And touchy feely.

4. Stop saying stupid things and expecting me to laugh along.

5. Stop being stupid.

6. When I’m talking, actually follow the conversation.

Have you realized how much time we spend trying to make other people laugh? It turns out, that when people laugh, endorphins are released so essentially, you can get high off of other people’s happiness.

Uh.. I need to buy more Berrocco Ultra Alpaca Yarn. It is so luxurious- I can’t stand it. It begs me to knit it into a sweater.

If you go about things mathematically, then you should expect a miracle to happen every thirty days. I read about it somewhere, but they were saying that miracle is supposedly “one in a million”, right? So, you do approximately one thing per second, and a million seconds equal thirty days. Isn’t that so cool? XD

It’s a straight-faced lie…

… “I believe, you could never leave me.. I’ll take care of you, oh, I’ll be there when you call my name.”

“Take Care” has been stuck in my head all day long. But I love it so much. Copeland is freaking awesome. I managed to download some b-sides, and some live stuff. The dude’s voice is awesome. And since my name is in “Pin Your Wings”, it only enhances the enjoyment I recieve from listening to them. If only they were not Christian-Rock, because every now and then they refer to church, godliness, or sinning, which makes me want to scream.

So, I have two tests tomorrow, an essay that is due as well. Here’s the rub- I thought the essay was due Monday. So yeah, I’m losing sleep, my eyes are webbed with red and have shadows underneath. I’m emotional, irrational, irritable, and stressed out. Thanks, No Child Left Behind Act.

Oh! And here’s something that makes my day: “Two years ago today Blink 182 announced they were going on hiatus.”

Okay. I was totally devastated when I found out that they were on “hiatus”. I was so hopeful about them getting back together soon. And now that they revealed the reason why they are on “hiatus”, I have very serious doubts that it will ever happen. I actually cried over it. And a huge, gracious Thank-you goes out to Jason Tate, who let me know about this. And dude! I wore my blink shirt today at school. The new one that I reconned. AH! >:O

… And then this somewhat brought happiness to my day:

” Motion City Soundtrack are halfway done recording their new album.” Too bad, Mark is not producing this one. They’re still a great band, but you know. And halfway- that means that the record will not come out for another year or two. Sweet, sweet, optimism.

Oh, misery loves company.

So, I wrote a seven page essay and I probably do not need half of it. I haven’t even watched 24 yet this week! Utterly depressing.

Sure, tomorrow is Friday. But I have nothing to wear, I have things to do, and waking up at the hour that other less sophisticated species go to sleep.. Does not make me that ecstatic.

I no longer like that dude that I’ve had a crush on since September. Thankfully. I do have a crush on another boy that I hardly know, but hey, he’s aesthetically pleasing.

They say..

… “I don’t know how to love the right way, but you make me feel, you make me feel like I do.”

I have a math test thursday and friday. And a science test on friday. And a rough draft due on Thursday. Oh, how will I survive this week?

I am thoroughly annoyed by the boy who I had a crush on ever since September. Yes. And I have to deal with him. Everyday. Thanks. I Am The Avalanche is freaking awesome.

I talked to Brandon today before school started. He’s the only person I can talk to intelligently about 24. He’s so cool, but everybody tells him that. 24 is the only thing me and him have a real “bond” over, I guess. I need to go to more shows.

I downloaded Left At The Castle EP, which was good- but not as good as it was live. So, I need to go to more shows. Copeland is opening for Switchfoot in a few days. If only, it weren’t in Seattle. =( Thus, I have considered going to Rush’s. I’ve heard that it’s a cool place to go to hear live music. But I don’t know if I’d be allowed to go.

In the next two years, I expect to be smarter somewhat. I hope to have a job at a thrift store of some sort. Definitely NOT a fast food place. I will either be dating someone, or not dating someone based on the idea of staying focused on school. I’ll be driving. I’ll have most of the friends that I have now, with a few additions. Eh.. Not in a huge mood for writing at this moment.

I pick up..

… “Put down the phone, like your favorite Heatmiser song goes, it’s just like being alone.”

We went to Portland yesterday and went sightseeing. It was awesome, I took tons of pictures, I’ll try to post them in the upcoming weeks. Keep in mind, I also have the pictures from the meet and greet, and from Seattle that I am getting developed today, I believe. Drove all day long, got home really late.

We finished seeing Munich, which is one of the most brilliant films that I have ever seen. I absolutely love it- it was great.

Went to St. Vinnies on Saturday. I bought a math textbook, which has given me tons of practice. The textbook is much newer than the books we have now, but I’m not reading it for the lesson, I’m doing it for practice- it’s really big, and it cost me only three dollars. The last person who used it was in two thousand two, and it’s in, surprisingly, really good condition.

This isn’t just good bye..

… “This is ‘I can’t stand you’.. Talk is cheap and my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak.. So find a better excuse and someone to believe you.”

Going to St. Vinnie’s today. I woke up at eleven today, as well. Amazing. And my eyes still really hurt. It’s either out of exhaustion or my retina is being stimulated, but still. They feel a bit sore. Wah. Portland is tomorrow. Which’ll be sweet to some degree. We’re going to the mall there too, and maybe we’ll drive along the coast.

You little creep…

…”That’s what she said, these quotes from your mother get better everyday.. Jamie spent her christmas at the airport, she said airports made her feel like she could get away.. I wish I had an airport someday. Somedays are just so hard. And we hung like space stations and rocket ships, and dreamed like we were beings of the sky… We’re never going to die.”

There’s this show that I’ve started to watch called Discovering Psychology. Yes, it is a PBS show. And it’s really old. But it is interesting.

I saw one episode before I got to school today about how people’s ability to make decisions can change dramatically according to the situation. These psychologists did a study, where they brought people in to “help people learn to maintain a better memory”. The “instructor” and the “learner” were in two different rooms, and the “instructor” would ask the “learner” questions, and if the “learner” got the question wrong, the “instructor” was told to give them an electric shock, and to increase the severity each time the “learner” got the question wrong. The “instructor” even heard the learner’s reaction from the other room. The psychologists expected most of the people to stop the experiment, and that one in a thousand [the sadists, they said.] would give them the highest shock [which is lethal], and that one in ten of the people would give the learner over 150 volts. [my eyes went reeaallly wide at this part]

Nearly two thirds of the people who were tested gave the “learner” a fatal shock, and none of the people in the experiment quit or went to help the “learner” without asking the experimenter. Isn’t that so incredibly spectacular?

“… And I don’t care if you don’t love me, and I don’t care if you don’t change, and I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you if it meant that you would stay.”

I’ve taken to writing. All the time in class. I say that I’m writing down song lyrics, and a quarter of the time I am. The remaining three quarters, I am actually writing things on my own. It’s amazing the things you can come up with if you try. I’ve filled up three pieces of paper, writing extremely tiny, front and back with writing. I have gotten attention from doing this, but I don’t care.

We’re going to Portland on Sunday. To go to Sonic. We are driving three hours to go to a fast food restaurant. Apparently it is a part of my father’s childhood.

I feel very far apart from my friends lately. Sure, I’ve been more touchy-feely lately, in the sense that I’m giving out more hugs and recieving them. But I haven’t been able to talk to my friends that much anymore. We should plan something. But whenever we do, something goes wrong or it stays in the planning stage.

Andy’s friend is sleeping over tonight. I hate it when my brother has friends around- he turns into the hugest jerk in the world. People are still talking about Valentine’s Day. It’s not the fourteenth anymore.

Shelley has this new boyfriend. And I’m happy for her- she’s liked him for a while now, and she’s been wanting a boyfriend. But she totally blows me off. And everyone else. Not to mention that they kiss and touch each other all the time at school. I know we’re getting older, but I don’t find that attractive. I don’t know if they think that everyone envies them or something, but it really turns me off.

My grades weren’t as bad as I anticipated. I got all As and a C. Give me a second here to let you comprehend the situation. I got Bs on my tests in math and a couple of As and they did nothing to my grade. I understand that I did badly here and there this quarter- but the good grades I had should have made my grade go up not down excuse me, as I punch a wall. I am so frustrated and angry, my synesthesia is allowing me to actually project blueish green circles. You know how my synesthesia is- I don’t usually project. Now you know how pissed off I am.

Another thing- I kicked the bathroom door this afternoon. Out of frustration. Is that a red flag that something is wrong? I am never usually this angry about anything that I have the impulse to physically hurt something.

Oh, and here’s the rub: I forgot my calculator today, and we had a math quiz. So you can only imagine my dismay when she informed us that half of the quiz consisted of calculators you need your calculator for. Thankfully, Laurie saved me and finished her test early, so she let me borrow it for the duration of the testing period. And you’re going to love this- I had five minutes left to finish it. She scolded the class for the people taking too long. Little did she know- I did most of the test paper and pencil. No calculator or anything. And for more emphasis- I left the calculator at home because I was studying for the quiz. Thanks.

I want to see Requiem For A Dream. I’ve been hearing really good things about that movie. I also want to see Fresh Horses. Because it has Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald in it, once more.

Top Ten Songs for the Slightly Unstable Amanda:

1. No, It Isn’t- Plus 44

2. Airports - Something Corporate

3. Seventy Times Seven- Brand New

4. Letters To God- Boxcar Racer

5. Lover I Don’t Have To Love- Bright Eyes

6. Live From The Crime Scene - Four Year Strong

7. Sweetness- Jimmy Eat World

8. Together, We’ll Ring In The New Year- Motion City Soundtrack

9. Why Am I Always Right? - Nightmare Of You

10. Heart Transplant- Punchline

“You’re the echoes of my everything, you’re the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You’re the laziness in the afternoon, you’re the reason why I burst and why I bloom.”

Dear you:

Those four words you said are the only things that matter to me lately. I hate you for making me feel this rejection before I have decided to tell them. I love you for making me feel happy. I hate the typicality of the situation. I hate how you’ve heard this before. We are in limerence.

I miss the grinded concrete

… “Where we sat past eight or nine, and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights, I’ve given alot of thought to the nights we used to have, the days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast.”

Today sucked. I came home and cried. Valentine’s day is so ridiculous. I got tons of hershey’s kisses, but I don’t know what to do with them. I am thoroughly tired of shiny balloons, roses, and conversation hearts. Please let this holiday die.

I’ve been talking to Anthony Egan lately on myspace. It’s really weird talking to somebody like him outside of school. He’s not as shallow/obnoxious/stupid as I thought he was. It’s amazing how one thing that someone says, adds so much depth to their personality and general persona.

Tomorrow is Thursday. I want this week to end so badly, oh, please- let this end quickly.

I am dancing and moving but I feel no connection to that and my thoughts. My words feed into this machine, and come out of this mouth. I curl my hair, paint my face- and all these adornments, but it is all done in vain. I want to move my arms, and I see them do it- but I feel outside myself.

When you’re talking to someone, and they feel far away, you know something has changed.

When there is something that I love- it is this pulsing magenta orange. Like, when you close your eyes on a sunny day, and move your eyes underneath your lids. When there is something that I hate- I feel this terrible green color in my arms. My arms seem to be a place where I feel alot of my emotions. I wonder why. Synesthesia is a weird thing. I am tired of living like this.

I’m living a lie that three people know about. Can you believe that I am so messed up, that I have to be medicated all the time? I’m just waiting the day that my liver will fail. The side effects are terrible enough. I don’t want to be this way anymore- I can’t pretend- it never ends. The letters are enough to make the saline leak out. I try so hard to be the opposite of the stereotype. In control, sane, calm. Serious. Smarter than. Even though I have all the confidence in the world- I have my own coach on etiquette in my head.

“If I can pretend, I don’t depend, I can deny, deny, denial. Yet, when push comes to shove, and all the above, I decide to live the lie.. These words are all I have to hide behind.”

I was taken by your permanent high

… “Never needed a guillotine to get you off my mind, you were swept up in the buzz of a marriage, I was sercretly hoping one of us would die… You’re just like your dad, surprise, you don’t only share his eyes, it’s the drink that’s in your hand that has a knack for telling terrible lies.”

I nearly fell asleep in math and science today. The saddest thing is- I wasn’t terribly bored. Ms. Quick and Samson realized this, they were looking at me a little funky.

We started watching the nineteen ninety six version of Romeo and Juliet. As cliche as it is- I nearly melted when I saw Romeo. And- I absolutely love anything that has to do with Claire Danes, so that makes the movie. I was all dewy-eyed when they found out that they were enemies- I can only imagine how it’ll be when they die at the end.*le sigh*

Food Science was not terrible- Cody, Anabel, and Spencer are in my cooking group thing- so we’ll have fun. Apparently Riza has shared some glowing reviews of me to Cody; he was complimenting me the whole time about how great I supposedly am at cooking. He actually told me this:

“Riza tells me everything.”

I thought that I was the last person that anybody would ever bring up in a conversation- so it was a weird realization. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but it’s a bit O.o

DigiTools was awesome. We have complete free time. And when I get back from lunch, I get to see the aesthetically pleasing dude at his locker. The best part is- he’s seeing me, too. *blush* I realized yesterday that we’re not as far apart as I thought we were- we’ve had confrontations of sorts before. He’s around. I’m trying hard to not try too hard. But yeah- the dopamines in my brain work overtime when he’s not around.

I am actually in a pretty spectacular mood in science for one reason or another. I’m laughing and smiling and floating on air. But it goes away somewhat quickly [after about half an hour], but it’s awesome.

Top ten songs for the more-than slightly infatuated Amanda: 1. I Put The ‘Metro’ in Metronome- CIWWAF

2. Miss America- SoCo

3. Magazines- Brand New

4. Sweet Talk 101- CIWWAF

5. Stay Where I Can See You- The Starting Line

6. Carousel- Blink 182

7. Go Long Dad- Four Year Strong

8. She Does- The Twenty Twos [I got their demo for free at the battle of the bands thing I went to with Riza. I got two other demos, but I have one more to look at. But yeah- this song has been stuck in my head all day long. "... And every little thing she does."

9. The B-List- The Starting Line [Who cannot resist: "She walks the red carpet, in my eyes"?!]

10. The Days Go By Oh So Slow- Nightmare Of You

Yup. Pop punk is the bestest thing to listen to when you’re slightly infatuated, and your brain is producing oxytocin like crazy. Amazingly, I have been feeling so romantic lately. And no- Valentines Day is not on my mind. Seriously- holidays never affect my moods. It’s so weird that I’ve been feeling this way- I’m not that romantically inclined. But because of this- I have been so impulsive, so I’m starting to digress from my usual [dare I say it] “tactic” when it comes to this. It is somewhat foolproof, I suppose, because it works without me even intending it to.

I’ve been listening to blink alot lately. I haven’t listened to them in months- and it makes me feel so remniscent/nostalgic. Oh, god- I got my first blink CD in sixth grade. I listened to it the whole summer, and my father was gone. I had never listened to music with profanity in it before, so it was something new. Despite that- I loved that CD. I listened to it for three summers in a row. I was very scene back then, but I’ve matured into a more educated music person [for lack of a better word]. When dad got home he burned me a CD with all of blink’s songs on them. So I listened to that for a long time. The first day I got it, we went to a zoo somewhere in eastern washington with my aunt. I listened to it the whole way there, and I was surprised how much I liked this band. I know all of their songs by heart. Over a hundred songs, that I know by heart. I listened to this band when I was all sad about breaking up with Ryan. Surprisingly, this is one of the last ties that I have to Ryan [which is not something I am particularly proud of] so I guess it is something that we have this weird connection to. Ehh.

I should totally send a card like this:

Outside: I chose you out of a hundred

Inside: I’m talking to the card.

Heh. I don’t know. I’m so exhausted, yet I keep writing. I’m looking away and covering my eyes. I’m sitting and hoping you will turn away. I feel naked, with your eyes staring at me. It is amazing how people can just tell if someone else is looking at them. most of the time. I am so conscious of this, and despite the flattering action- you are making me feel so insecure. I’m cold and I feel locked inside this position. I can’t move my eyes or lick my lips, I am so anxious. My crossed arms are no guard against you. I can feel your eyes through my hair that is barely covering you up. I lower my eyes. I can’t help it. I look at the clock the whole time. I need a distraction. I’m tired of trying to look perfect just for you. I am trying so hard to not be awkward. Yup- not that poetic. It’s the worst feeling in the world to feel so locked into primality.

… “Be strong when things fall apart, honest this breaks my heart- it’s so hard.”

I was reading about how evolution plays a huge role in modern day mating rituals. It turns out that flirting is built into our brains, it’s incredibly natural. We are given this ability to “test the waters” to see who would be a compatible mate without doing anything drastic. It turns out- that when people are courting, flirting is this constant cycle of batting your eyelashes, lowering your eyes, etc. These people videotaped two people courting, and there was this cycle that was going on, and they didn’t even notice that this was occurring. Don’t blame me- blame psychology today. And no, it was not from the most recent issue.

Oh, god- okay, so today in math, my teacher went to sharpen her pencil in the middle of class. And out of nowhere, I thought to myself “I sharpened my pencil yesterday *sees sharpened pencil come out of pencil sharpener from yesterday*. It was awesome.” and then I thought immediately after, “Oh, god, I cannot believe I just thought that.” And then I could not stop thinking about the whole thing for the next twenty minutes. Everytime I thought of it, it got funnier and funnier. Pathetic, I know. And then, I thought “Well, it WAS awesome.” And then I started to snicker. I laughed in my head and I thought, “I really need to get a life.” And I started to giggle. I bet I looked like the hugest bozo in the world to everyone else, but really- it was so funny.

I was reading people’s criticism toward solipsism. And I read something that really caught my attention, which was something like this: ” A realist believes in the universe, which provides spontaneity to their lives. A solipsist believes in their minds providing spontaneity to their lives. Both of these names are labelling the same idea- something that causes unpredictability within your life” .. Or something to that extent. But that was awesome to read. It’s late. I’m going to bed.

Oh- I remembered! Synesthesia! Let’s start off with something new, but simple. X [the variable] is hard, and very stubborn. Y [the variable] is soft and creamy. I love Ys. Imaginary numbers are innocent. They never seem to know what is going on- it’s a chameleon color. Sometimes it is a very nice shade of pink, or sometimes purple. Subtracting is cold, the left of it is black and white, but the right side of the sign is a blue color. I love completing the square because it makes me feel like I’m crumpling up a piece of paper [which is something that I hardly ever do.] I feel it up in my arms. And that feeling looks like a white strip with black squares going along it. When I do the absolute value thing, the best way I can describe it is when a door closes and the burst of air comes, but the only thing I feel is the burst of air. Gosh. I’m weird. I’ve always rejected my concept ->touch synesthesia- but I’m pretty darned sure that I have it now!

You’re cold with disappointment

… “While I’m drowning in the next room, the last contagious victim of this plague between us, I’m sick with apprehension, I’m crippled from exhaustion, and I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.”

So tired- need. More. Sleep. I have an essay due soon and I have tons of writing to do. I got a start on it today and it surprised me how much writing I got done, by hand. So I’m thinking of using Microsoft tomorrow night if I have the time.

Food Science is not getting any better. Actually- it’s gettting worse. We now have assigned seats. I sit next to an eighth grader. Who seems somewhat snobby, but first impressions are not something that I want to judge people by anymore. Because I actively work to make sure that people’s first impression of me is false. I do not know why I necessarily do this, but it should mean something.

I bought a blink shirt and a motion city soundtrack shirt. The blink shirt cost me three dollars but you could probably fit me, and another person inside it. One more reason why I love having the ability to sew. The MCS shirt is pretty loose fitting as well. I bought a Gatsby’s American Dream shirt a while back, and I got a Taking Back Sunday shirt a few months ago- and these need to be refitted as well. I’m thinking that I’ll get to doing these in a few days.

I made Angela this really cute paper crane necklace thing for her birthday. It is relatively sturdy, and I absolutely loved it. I was seriously considering the idea of keeping it since I gave her a gift card, too. So, I’m going to make myself one sometime soon. I hope she likes it- it took me forever and a day to decide what to make her. I also need to make myself a purse/wallet, desperately. The ones that I own now are not cutting it- and I could make one that I really like. Everytime that I go out, I need a bag or something and I simply do not have an awesome looking one.

DigiTools is an okay class. It’s like, when you have a place that you go to that you do not expect to be awesome, but it is actually pretty enjoyable. I never look forward to this class mostly because when I got my schedule, I already expected it to be boring so my mind has this grey block over that period.

I need to be minding my Synesthesia more. My Synesthesia has faded away so much, it’s hardly even there anymore. I guess the state of depression that I have been in lately has taken an even further toll on my synesthesia. I am planning on focusing on it more and having a better outlook on life so this will come back. My synesthesia is a reminder of how special and gifted that I am- I cannot afford to lose it. I cannot- I have no idea how my life would be without my synesthesia. I would die if it went away. So, I’ll describe some of the aspects of my synesthesia that I have been noticing lately.

My months are set up vertically. They are boxes, nonetheless, but I see them in two parts from January to July and then August to December. It’s darkest at the latter part of the calender. When the year ends, it has to go all the way back to the top to start the year off again. The boxes accord to the months, the color of the months are the colors of the boxes. The days of the week are also colored in the boxes. The days are not numbered. It’s late. I’m going to bed. I’ll try to write more about this whole thing later. Oh- we’re learning about imaginary numbers in math now. I can’t stand how silly I feel.

This must be it.

… “Welcome to the new year; these people all suck, I’d rather be home feeling violent and lonely.. The postcard that’s taped to the freezer reads ‘Wish you were here’, oh, I wish I could disappear.”

I’m going crazy today. PMS seems to be getting worse as I age, but dude- I kicked the stove today AND I threw a dishwashing brush at the cabinets. And I cried. Twice. O.o

I went to EMP/the space needle/ the mall with Riza, Angela, and Angela’s friends. Those little biznatches ate my three-dollar cotton candy. And yes, I am very angry about it for reasons that pertain to the last paragraph. We had fun- we went to this battle of the bands thing, which was amazing!

Left to the castle was the only band we saw, but they were very poppy/very awesome at building up to the drums… =D Andandand- totally got home at like ten. And I plopped on my bed and still couldn’t sleep despite the exhaustion. I think I got some kind of bug somewhere along the way, so I felt sick and we left before the whole thing stopped. I really wanted to stay and I could tell that Riza wanted to as well; I felt extraordinarily guilty. I still feel very sick and I’m pretty pissed off at the world for letting me have this but hey:

MY POWERFUL IMMUNE SYSTEM CONQUERS ALL AND WILL DESTROY SAID BUG THAT IS IN MY BODY!!!

I watched Pretty In Pink today, and cried as I watched it. So adorable! And with Andrew McCarthy [second greatest/favorite-ist 'Andrew' ever!]= made everything better. I loved the part with the computer thing *le sigh*.I keep feeling like his character reminds me of somebody, but I cannot quite place it.. O.o

We went to McChord today and I got some jeans. It was sweet. And I returned my sweater [blahblah.. Reimbursed. Okay.] so I got forty dollars back. Sweet. I now have about fifty dollars. I have no clue as to how that happened, since I was in debt a few months ago. Whoa. I wore the sweater that I made to school on Friday and actually got compliments. So that was cool. I got quite a bit of compliments [10+] XD

I’m getting back onto myspace for one reason or another. Only if people comment me, I guess. It’s pretty embarassing getting on myspace at home though.

And I hate the idea that they are making money off of me [Really- social networking = $$$]

I intended this weekend to consist of sleeping. Did not happen at all so I’m incredibly tired and will probably die in the middle of next week, yup. Took tons of pictures yesterday; still need to be developed, when they are, I’ll scan them and show them to you guys.

I am nothing of a builder

…”But here I dreamt I was an architect… There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, save lay my rifle down.”

Thursday lunches suck. I will never hang out with a couple again. Ever. No freaking way.

Two of my best friends are fighting with each other. It’s so hard for me to deal with, I actually cried over it after school today. Yes, it was actually a session of this stuff. It sounds so typical and it is surprising that I did. And no, I am not advertising it around. I do not think that I’ll talk about this besides right now. I always imagined their friendship as ideal and without problems, but the realization that they do have problems makes me sad. I love them both but for entirely different reasons, it’s two different kinds of love as opposed to “well, they are my friends“, you know? I prefer hanging out with them separately because they are normally so close. It’s a completely different side to both of them; I hate realizations like this, it makes me question everything.

I’m going to have an essay due pretty soon. I had to pick three songs that related to Romeo and Juliet, and I chose 23 by JEW, A Letter To Elise by The Cure, End Of The World by the cure and If I Die by SoCo. Yes, that’s four, but the more songs that we have = the better grade we recieve [yes, she said that.] Cameron is having a hard time with it because he isn’t into music at all, I wish I could help him, but knowing how he is- he wouldn’t accept the proposal.

I ate with Anthony, Trish and Cameron today at lunch. The most boring lunch ever. Anthony and Trish constantly touch each other, which is the last thing I ever want to see with any two people, and Cameron is just in his own little world [as I am too]. And, Anthony simply could not help his impulse to drop the most obvious hints ever about having me and Cameron sit together. I’m sorry to admit it- but the whole crush thing on Cameron has passed, just a bit. Okay, I’ve admitted that to myself a million times but I am still not sure about it. It’s weird- I miss him like crazy when he’s gone but when he’s around, we are just friends. Just barely friends. I think I’ve just moved onto other crushes O.o

…And my semi-crush on that one dude has gotten to just about its peak. The best part is- I’ve talked to him once. It’s pretty darned pathetic and on the verge of hopeless.. But gosh- he’s so adorable. Obviously, I am infatuated- but still. XD

I love the format. Oceans is by far, my favorite song ever.

“I missed you so much that I sent you a note, oh- and I hope that you’re happy! I hear you’re somewhere by the saaaand, and I wish I was an oceeaaann! Oh nooo, oh and I hope that you’re happy! I hear you’re somewhere by the sand, and I wish I was an ocean, baby, thennn, I’d get to see you again!”

Top Ten Favorite Songs By The Format:

1. Oceans

2. Janet

3. Sore Thumb

4. Let’s Make This Moment A Crime- “We’ve just got to take our time, that’s right, nothing really matters so let’s make this moment a crime… It’s been a minute, a second, I’ll wait for you to come around!”

5. I’m Ready, I Am

6. Tie The Rope

7. The First Single

8. Wait, Wait, Wait

9. Dear Boy

10. Time Bomb

Yeeaaah. Oh, and did I mention that my retake score hardly counts?! Yup. The average between my grades for the test and the retake is the only thing that matters. So my wonderful B+ -> C-. No wonder I’m not motivated anymore. *shrugs shoulders*. Grades are coming out on the fifteenth. Not looking forward to it at all, all of my grades are going waaay down.

Been wishing I could get out of this town..

… “These dreams we’ve had, have never made you cry and I am not the twinkle in your eye.”

I sit at the front of the classroom in food science, and because the building was built before Columbine, the wall is completely made of windows. And so, I get to look into other classrooms. I love the idea of being able to watch life without having to actually be a part of it. Cassel’s class, Huntley’s, and Gallaher’s are the ones that I have access to. It’s so fun trying to pick out who is who, what they are saying, and what they are doing. Needless to say- I have taken to people watching.

Food science is less than exciting. If I’ve picked up this new hobby, you know that it’s pretty stupid. [OMGZ! 1/4 inch cubes!!] Digitools is awesome only because Lorren, Debbie and I have fun in the class.

This will be one of the last times I will mention this, but.. When I won the contest, I found myself telling myself, “So this is what people mean when they talk about ‘life’” Which made me realize the monotony of my current routine. I need to make something *happen*. sigh.

We did a standardized test called DRP today. Extraordinarily boring, and about the most ridiculous things. [omgz termites! omgz bones!] I am thoroughly against these tests. All these tests do is dictate what we learn. I’m talking moreso about the WASL here, but still. The teachers constantly stress over the WASL and giving us tips to pass. Graduation requirement? Really? I also hate how the teacher has to read a thing to the class. All this does is control what the teacher does so they don’t tell us the answers. Why don’t they? This is not a true test as far as our intellect goes. I’d love to meet the genius who absolutely loves *gasp* If, then, because statements, writing as small as possible to fit into the god forsaken box, writing about the most trite and boring things, and being as typical as they possibly can.

This does not prepare us for anything. If I were to become a scientist, would I be drilled if I did not write my validity statement according to the WASL standards? WASL = totalitarian. These tests also limit our spectrum of what knowledge is, and more importantly- which kinds of knowledge are more important. Thinking outside the box is not valued on these tests. The most bland person can pass these tests, but the creative people get a huge red dot on their transcript and are sent to remedial classes. A person can not be themselves when it comes to these things- they have to learn to conform to the standards that are thoroughly pounded into the huge muscle in their heads. It makes one kind of knowledge mean less than another, essentially.

If I truly wanted to conform to the WASL ideals, I would have learned how to read at age five and not two, I would have been placed in special education classes instead of being in the normal classes and ranking high; I would have hated art and loved math; and I would be another painted, superficial drone that the people who created the WASL always wanted me to be. They are targeting the young and making us believe that certain kinds of knowledge are better than others. And those other kinds of knowledge, are worse than none at all. This may not have been the original intent- but it may certainly happen in the future.

We are already forced between taking the test or not graduating- they are inducing fear, which is something that motivates everyone [really, what would humans be like now if they weren't afraid of being punished by an all-knowing god?] *steps off soapbox*

I’m your brother’s sworn enemy..

… “But I’ll shout my love to the stars.” Yesterday was relatively.. Awesome. I totally met Andrew McMahon. I’ve told the story a couple of times today [seriously, it was the last thing on my mind.] and I’m quite bored of the story. I actually, do not remember what happened much, it was a blur, but I’m relying on the developed pictures to come to verify my memory. He did call me sweetie, though. And he took a picture with me. It was awesome. Except for the fact that I had to wait for two hours, in the cold, in Seattle. I talked to this girl behind me, who looked really young, but was twenty years old. It’s so amazing hearing other people’s lives and opinions. She went to a free SoCo show on her first day at UW. She also won this conference thing before to meet Andrew, but she didn’t get to go. Today was okay. I would not say it was my best- but this week has been awesome [over all] I got my retake test back. I made an eighty eight. A B+. Oh, I was really happy when I found that out. I took a quiz today in math, however, and I did not have a clue as to what I was doing. I wrote down random answers. This is not because I was lazy- I was gone yesterday during fifth and sixth. We’ve been having subs for spanish this week, even though this is supposed to be the time where we speak no english. Way to go. We started a new semester and I am now enrolled in Food Science. And Digitools. Digitools is pretty boring, but Lorren and Debbie have the class with me and we have fun. My lunch did change, so I hang out with Debbie and Lorren the whole time. I love them, but I hate having to depend on two people [mostly one, Lorren. Not that I blame Debbie for it, I don't expect to get her attention all the time- but I tend to hang with Lorren moreso than Debbie.], and I really miss my old lunch. The aesthetically pleasing dude.. Is so freaking gorgeous. Needless to say, a few months from now I’ll regret saying this- but hey, being infatuated is a pretty awesome feeling. Clueless and distraught but admiring such person at the same time. Gosh- I’m tired of Valentines Day. No freaking way- I’m tired of conversation hearts, people hugging, touching, kissing, hearts of any kind, any kind of human-on-human action is not something that I’m into. … And yet, more boys fall for me. Really, it’s not my ego- it’s really happening. I’m not that awesome, or that attractive [but of course, I'm only fourteen with slightly bruised self-esteem.] but people love me even before they get to know me. One example- the aesthetically pleasing dude- I’ve spoken five words to him in my entire life [forget the fact that I'm into him too. Nice.] and he checks up on me. I can’t help but feel like my group of friends is dissolving. It’s a really depressing realization for me, I’ve known that this has been happening for a while- but now I’ve really considered it. We are not one unit anymore. Today, Mr. Platten let us all go up to the field, and it reminded me of how Mr. Thompson did that for our class in seventh grade. That is one of the few memories that I remember, where we were all together. Despite all of these awesome things happening this week, I still feel pretty empty. Gosh- what does it take?!

I’m your brother’s sworn enemy..

… “But I’ll shout my love to the stars.”

Yesterday was relatively.. Awesome. I totally met Andrew McMahon. I’ve told the story a couple of times today [seriously, it was the last thing on my mind.] and I’m quite bored of the story. I actually, do not remember what happened much, it was a blur, but I’m relying on the developed pictures to come to verify my memory. He did call me sweetie, though. And he took a picture with me. It was awesome. Except for the fact that I had to wait for two hours, in the cold, in Seattle. I talked to this girl behind me, who looked really young, but was twenty years old. It’s so amazing hearing other people’s lives and opinions. She went to a free SoCo show on her first day at UW. She also won this conference thing before to meet Andrew, but she didn’t get to go.

Today was okay. I would not say it was my best- but this week has been awesome [over all] I got my retake test back. I made an eighty eight. A B+. Oh, I was really happy when I found that out. I took a quiz today in math, however, and I did not have a clue as to what I was doing. I wrote down random answers. This is not because I was lazy- I was gone yesterday during fifth and sixth. We’ve been having subs for spanish this week, even though this is supposed to be the time where we speak no english. Way to go.

We started a new semester and I am now enrolled in Food Science. And Digitools. Digitools is pretty boring, but Lorren and Debbie have the class with me and we have fun. My lunch did change, so I hang out with Debbie and Lorren the whole time. I love them, but I hate having to depend on two people [mostly one, Lorren. Not that I blame Debbie for it, I don't expect to get her attention all the time- but I tend to hang with Lorren moreso than Debbie.], and I really miss my old lunch. The aesthetically pleasing dude.. Is so freaking gorgeous. Needless to say, a few months from now I’ll regret saying this- but hey, being infatuated is a pretty awesome feeling. Clueless and distraught but admiring such person at the same time.

Gosh- I’m tired of Valentines Day. No freaking way- I’m tired of conversation hearts, people hugging, touching, kissing, hearts of any kind, any kind of human-on-human action is not something that I’m into. … And yet, more boys fall for me. Really, it’s not my ego- it’s really happening. I’m not that awesome, or that attractive [but of course, I'm only fourteen with slightly bruised self-esteem.] but people love me even before they get to know me. One example- the aesthetically pleasing dude- I’ve spoken five words to him in my entire life [forget the fact that I'm into him too. Nice.] and he checks up on me. I can’t help but feel like my group of friends is dissolving. It’s a really depressing realization for me, I’ve known that this has been happening for a while- but now I’ve really considered it. We are not one unit anymore. Today, Mr. Platten let us all go up to the field, and it reminded me of how Mr. Thompson did that for our class in seventh grade. That is one of the few memories that I remember, where we were all together. Despite all of these awesome things happening this week, I still feel pretty empty. Gosh- what does it take?!

Just because he’s a painter

… “And he loves you, it doesn’t mean that he has got a clue… You’ll never comprehend the intellect of her mind.”

It’s a rainy day. We haven’t had rain in a while, even though that is what people think of when you think of this state. I keep getting information from colleges in the mail without my provocation. We now have MSN Explorer and we are fixing it up a little bit, but overall, it’s working. I don’t have my own screenname, but at least we have the new modem and everything’s working out.

If I get a Valentine on the fourteenth, that young boy will be very disappointed by my reaction. Especially if I hardly know the dude. I vow to not look a boy in the eye during the next two weeks just so that won’t happen. Not really, but it made for a really entertaining and ironic paragraph, no?

There’s not much to say. I’m here in the dark, typing, making plenty of mistakes and drafts of this entry that you will never see. The room is cold and the air is damp but I have no impulse to make the room humid by turning the heater on. I’m getting sicker by the second and I don’t want to smell like chemicals by putting the transparent red drop in my mouth. My blood is moving towards my core, because apparently extremities don’t mean much. My hands are turning slighly purple and blotchy, I’m waterstained and cut but I have no idea of the source.