The face we showed…

… “The one we had, the hands we hold and leave behind, for all we lose and all we find, here while we live and while we die.”

I haven’t listened to Autopilot Off in a while [liiiike, two or three years ago was the last time I listened to them, I think] and I ought to give them more credit. Because they are so awesome. One of the first real non-mainstream bands I got into, actually.

The meet and greet is at three on Monday. So in order to go, I’d have to cut school. But realize this - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I doubt that I will ever get the chance to do this again- and I’d regret it forever if I didn’t go. Oh, god.

And I said..

… “Boy, I barely know you, but would you marry me?”

Geez, as a result of such teeny-bopperness, I got three hours of sleep last night. Yuuup. It turns out, when you’re looking for attention *cough cough* people don’t give it to you. I’m just kidding around, of course. But yeah- I was totally floating on a cloud.

Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a while. My mood totally improved- but considering the depth of my [somewhat] depression lately, I guess anything could flip it around. And to improve on such point- it’s story telling time! All right, so at the waaay end of math, Ms. Quick had us scavenge around for our homework assignments. Quick didn’t have enough of one so she had to scavenge around for it, and I got to miss like three seconds of science. At least I had a late pass in hand, that was awesome. Oh, and I realized that that dude that I find aesthetically pleasing, has the most awesome/beautiful/amazing [I don't think you need any more adjectives. But I would be more than happy to give you some more.] blue eyes. *le sigh*

Hmm. This really made me think. I’m not quite sure where my position is on this, but she made some really good points.

Dear World:

I weep for the future. Years from now, we will be referred to as the stupidest people. And I will justify this with a wonderful super duper list of stupidity. More like, hypocrisy, but still:

1. We have the need to decorate our portable music players with flowers, rainbows, and monochrome scribbles [which is called "abstract" for one reason or another.]

2. We would pay for said items, at just about a bajillion times more than if it weren’t adorned with butterflies and little girls holding puppies.

3. Every other commercial on TV has to do with weight loss. What does that say about the well-being of modern civilization?

4. “Vintage” is the new IT. I love vintage, don’t get me wrong- but I’ve liked it waaaay before it turned into the new black. People like to think of simpler times ["you are what you wear"] to get away from the ridiculous, overhyped world that we live in now.

5. You cannot say anything without offending people. Oh my god, people, just get a pacifier already. So, of course, people stake out in your front lawn with picket signs saying “down with the man”.

6. There are a bajillion charities asking for donations. Yes, donating = good. But considering the number of charities [and the amount of money they spent on the propaganda], that popped up after Hurricane Katrina, I have a right to be pissed off. There was enough money that people got away with abusing said cash. Way to go.

7. I’m betting the other countries believe that we are illiterate, considering all the chatspeak that occurs around here. And since people are integrating it into verbal language, I think there is something to worry about.

8. Even though more television channels are available, it does not necessarily mean it’s good. Really- do people of the Mormon faith need their own network? Or fishermen? How about that one channel that always advertises that gosh darned Oxi-Clean? Build channels that appeal to the [somewhat] general public, and then we’ll talk.

9. Future Americans will probably hate the current America, because of our wonderful superiority complex. Sure, we may be the richest country at this time, we may have the most people, and we are [kind of] smart. But keep in mind- we are invading other countries for not following our rules; we are kicking out minorities who do jobs that even african-americans don’t want to do [you know who I'm talking about]; we are wasting the most natural resources compared to the other countries; we are the greediest; we eat unhealthily; we are spoon-fed this idea of freedom and political integrity [Hello, "the american dream" is the new "manifest destiny"; or at least it was, until they started the new nazism called the Border Patrol]; we are constantly lied to through the media… You get my point.

10. Businesses are caring less and less about the well-being of their clients [despite what they say- take a look at walmart and target, and tell me that they don't deserve all those lawsuits that have been filed against them.], and the consumers are getting dumber and dumber, to believe their advertising.

11. Students have to worry even more about college [if they care, that is] than before- with tuition going up and all. Instead of focusing on our studies, we have to suck up as much as humanly possible to colleges and other organizations, in hopes of getting a tiny little dent in our tuition. - yours truly. Well, you know me- when I’m overly sarcastic, I’m PMS’ing. And considering that these are not my best arguments- you can tell that I slept for three hours last night [but I'm not too tired to know that I already wrote that.] I had at least four or five hours worth of homework. Thanks. Okay, I’ll write another letter.

Subject: Letter To Nobody.

Please don’t let this be a dream. Oh, please, don’t let this be a dream. This glimpse of hope has made everything so much better- my mood, so euphoric. Now I believe that anything can happen. At least a little bit. The world is so predictable- but now there’s some kind of spontaneity. I narrate myself in the past tense in my mind, just so the world looks that much more like a fantasy. There is more emotion when I go outside myself. As much as I try to deny this fact from myself- I know she likes him. The way she talks of him, the way that she looks forward to seeing him around- I never thought it would happen. Not with her. She knows how I feel about him, even though there is no chance- I don’t know whether to feel betrayed or happy for her. She knows exactly how I feel- I talk in prose when it comes to him.

We can’t do a thing but wait..

… “The one we had, the hands we hold and leave behind, for all we lose and all we find, here while we live and while we die.”I haven’t listened to Autopilot Off in a while [liiiike, two or three years ago was the last time I listened to them, I think] and I ought to give them more credit. Because they are so awesome. One of the first real non-mainstream bands I got into, actually.

The meet and greet is at three on Monday. So in order to go, I’d have to cut school. But realize this - this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I doubt that I will ever get the chance to do this again- and I’d regret it forever if I didn’t go. Oh, god.

OMGZ!

So, you know that contest I was talking about..

Believe it or not, I won. I am actually crying out of happiness, dear god. So, if mom and dad let me go- I will indeed, meet Jack’s Mannequin.

Your best defense is miles from home…

… “Oh and it reads like a letter, with the words all broken, erased them with a razorblade.”We went to McChord today- ehh, nothing special.

The sun came out for the first time in a while, and it was very surprising, actually. I never really take the time to appreciate things like this, but I think I should. Out of nowhere, there was a perfectly round yellow hole in the sky that I haven’t seen in months. If you think of life as a story- I’ve been living in my own prison and the sun has finally shone through, I suppose. Don’t get me wrong here- I’m still in a not-so-happy state, but I think I have come to some kind of realization here. Looking around me through a strangers’ eyes makes everything look so new and different, which is a pretty cool feeling.

“Life is a garden, dig it.” [my brother and father quote from this movie constantly. Out of nowhere, they would say this, but gosh, that quote just works so well here, doesn't it?]

Jack’s Mannequin/AP are having this contest where they are having this meet-and-greet thing, I entered, but I doubt I’d be lucky enough to win. Twenty five people win, first come, first serve. I don’t know when they posted it, but it’s been long enough to get over two hundred replies in the forum. Obviously, I don’t have a chance! I’m trying my best not to hope and dream and think about this, but it’s pretty darned exciting. XD

I hate how quickly the weekends come and go.

I’m going to EMP in two weeks with Riza and Angela for Angela’s birthday. I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind so I don’t get too excited, either. Anticipation for one thing makes everything worse- everything feels slower, not as good as the thing you’re waiting for. Everything is in black and white and is waiting for this colorful event. We are going for Angela’s birthday, so I need to think of something to give her. I don’t know if I should get something for Riza as well, but I feel some sort of obligation to her. But then again, I see Riza and Angela as two different people, giving presents to one would represent that, wouldn’t it? I have never been in the other situation myself [having a friend that is Andy's and mine, and only giving him a present. I don't think I'd feel bad since it would be his occasion..] so I have no idea how to approach this. But, on Riza’s birthday, I have never given Angela a present too, at least I don’t think so. Oh, god, it’s so weird! Mostly because out of Riza and Angela, I’ve known Riza so much more than Angela, but now it’s like, if I want to hang out with them, I can’t choose one or the other, you know? It is very nice to know that Angela considers me a friend [that's what I've come to assume] because she invited me to come for her birthday.

XD Yup, totally pushed it to the back of my mind.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m seeing ads for it everywhere, so I guess it’s really rearing its head. I don’t know. Last year, Valentine’s Day was not excellent, mostly because nothing happened. I don’t even want to start on the Valentine’s Day before that, nu uh. *shudder*

But yeah. My school is exploiting the teenage angst that comes along with fourteen year olds, and is selling Bear-O-Grams for five bucks a pop. The flyers are pretty much everywhere, but they do not disclose what a Bear-O-Gram exactly is, so I’m pretty frightened. If a bear comes out of nowhere and starts to attack me, should I be in fight-or-flight mode or be flattered that someone bought me a Bear-O-Gram? If a naked person comes out of nowhere and starts to hug me, should I be a little intimidated or surprised that someone spent five dollars on me? [Get it? Bear, bare? yeah, I thought it was pretty funny, but it's more of a "you have to be there" sort of thing. You probably think that I'm a pervert now, thanks.]

No doubt, my school is probably going to host some kind of dance with a cuddly-wuddly name for it. The current names that they are debating on are:
- Hunky Heart Hoedown
- Great Group Getdown
- Logical Lovers’ Brawl [needless to say, most of this dance will be discussing the A word. No, not that one. Or that one.]
- Shockingly Chic Shindig
- Pro-Love Promenade

Best of all: Bearalicious Ball Ball. Yes, the second “ball” is supposed to be there. That can be taken as a whole, or as a part [seriously, read it part by part and then the whole.. I read the second sentence and didn't realize it could be interpreted in such a way when I wrote it.]
They aren’t really using those names. But I’m guessing the first and second to last will be considered and will probably be the cause of a heated debate between the Easter Bunny and Cupid. I mean, the members of the ASB.
It’s so depressing how easy it is to make fun of things the school does to make money. No wonder people go into debt, if we are easily seduced by Bear-O-Grams and dance tickets, we can be conned into doing anything.

I keep on acting out the way, the way we act out..

… “Everything we try and forget, we make believe we never needed any more than this.. You and me are worlds apart, we’re making looks and breaking hearts, I could take as much as you can throw.”Oh, I’ve never been more happy for Friday to come. This week has never felt so long, and next week is going to be pretty terrible.

I’ve been looking forward to saying this, so..

Dear you,
You’ll never know how much I miss you being around. You’ll never know how much I’ve promised myself to get to know you just a little bit better. You’ll never know how much I’ve adored you, and how much I’ve just wanted you to be here. I am probably the last person you think about. I am so typical here- everyone loves you. I am no different. I usually capture people’s hearts pretty easily. And of course, you are different in this case. You act like you care- and even if it may be pretentious, I will never know. At least it makes me feel like you care, you could be faking it, but I wouldn’t mind. You’ve always been my favorite person but I’ve never told you so. I see you at a distance, which is the best place to be, even though I miss you. Ignorance is truly bliss. The hopelessness makes it worse to even see you, the whole situation is truly pathetic.
- Not going there, again.

I want to buy some Speedball Inks. I’m hoping that I’ll find some on the cheap.

McChord tomorrow- it’ll be awesome.

The clock doesn’t tock it just stands still..

… “You give me something to miss.”Dial up is the most incredible invention ever since the toaster. And the anticipation that arises from such device is just the same.

The amount of sleep that I’ve recieved in the past couple of weeks.. About a little over twenty five hours. Amazing. Apparently I look so sleep deprived, that Johnson offered to go get me a coffee. No, seriously- she was going to get me coffee. I hope I don’t look like a zombie, seeing as I do not necessarily step outside myself when I look in the mirror as I leave the house for school.

Haha- BURN!
“Lovegodsway.org has gone a long way toward remembering the sermon on the mount as they post a list of “Gay Bands” for parents to watch out for. The list includes: Morrissey (earmarked “?questionable?”), John Mayer, Sufjan Stevens, Panic! at the Disco, read more]”

Oh, but I read this: “indie kids are mad for second-hand shopping.” So, does that mean I’m indie? Is that a label I want to have? Do I even need a label? O.o OMGZ!

All right- so, I went on Wikipedia today, and my school is only noted because of this. Niiiice.
Compare that to the even more ghetto BHS. They are currently having drug problems- “the news said so.”, but nooo, we have to look even more ghetto. Way to go, Wikipedia.

My brother is now in the Spelling Bee. So yes, that is the only item that he talks about. Out of the four times I hear him speak during the day- that was the content of our conversations.

So, next week is finals week. Does this help me at all in my mission to get more sleep, and not be as stressed out? Of course not.

And in this haze of drowsiness and sleep deprivation, I have been feeling very depressed, and hopeless. I keep playing mind games with myself about one thing or another, and I find myself doubting the simplest things. [Stop thinking about your math test grade. It doesn't matter, hoping will not change how well or how badly you did. But what if it does? It doesn't. Stop thinking about it. You'll get disappointed. How do you know that? I just told you that a few seconds ago. You are too hopeful.] I don’t really feel much emotion anymore, and when I do- it’s very intense. I got one of my math tests back and I scored a B, and I found myself not caring about it. At all. I don’t even know if I deserve it. Then right after I got a C+, and I still didn’t care. And then the next day in first period I was very happy, almost euphoric until lunchtime.

“Torture and tyranny become accepted because they are “what you are used to.””
- The Handmaid’s Tale, Chapter six
“Immediately after remembering her daughter, Offred addresses someone she calls “you.” She could be talking to God, Luke, or an imaginary future reader. “I would like to believe this is a story I’m telling,” Offred says. “Those who can believe that such stories are only stories have a better chance . . . A story is a letter. Dear You, I’ll say.” In the act of telling her imagined audience about her life, Offred reduces her life’s horror and makes its oppressive weight endurable. Also, if she can think of her life as a story and herself as the writer, she can think of her life as controllable, fictional, something not terrifying because not real.”
Maybe I should do that. It’d be pretty interesting to write. Even if I don’t know who I’m writing to- just someone who’s in the back of my mind.

Dear you:
Why am I so privileged, that you love me this much? We hardly talk about anything profound or meaningful. We talk about the weather. And school. And yet, I can always feel your eyes on me. Me. And you really try to make the effort. I am not that important. I am probably the opposite of what you are looking for. But you don’t know me enough to know that. Realize the paradoxy here- how our positions have changed to the others’, exactly. You are awkward, immature, and incredibly orthodox. And here I am, trying this hard to impress you. To leave the impression of conventional femininity. I am a hypocrite. But you are, too.
I am surprisingly fickle, and you’re not. You are far from fickle. So I am, this special. For one reason or another. You are something that I can look forward to, something to miss. It doesn’t need to be justified- it is simply human instinct. There are reasons why affairs happen with shallow, rich people.
- Let’s not tack my name down on this letter to nobody.

I don’t believe in destiny much. If you think about how humans work, how everything we think and do are merely what we are given to survive- you realize that most of the values and beliefs we have are pretty pointless. I talk about humans like I am not one of them- which is inevitable even though I don’t mean it to sound that way. Of course, I am only human.

Don’t they treat you like they should?

… “Did you take them for it? For every penny that you could?”We have gone back a few technological centuries and are currently on dial-up. Yes. So, I get to sit at the computer for hours waiting for it to load, only for it to kick me off, of course. Heh, back to the good ol’ days, no?

But, because of that, I don’t think I’ll be writing much this week. Not to mention that I have two projects due.

And, in light of this situation, I feel purely annoyed. So I’ll dedicated part, if not all, of this entry to the things that annoy me most at this time of my life.
1. Dial up internet.
2. Boys laughing at every other thing that their peers discuss. No matter how idiotic it is.
3. Innocent people.
4. People who talk of god all the time.
5. Tests- how can someone put a number on intellect? This method has been proven wrong plenty of times before [just ask Albert Einstein.]
6. Mainstreamers.
7. Hearing about Fall Out Boy’s new record. All. The. Freaking. Time.
8. Stupid people.
9. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again- the Komo 4 newscast. Most specifically- Kathi Goertzen [I think I spelled that wrong. Shows just how much I care.], and her hair. O.o
10. Romeo and Juliet.
11. Boys.
12. Myspace.
13. Stupid people! I’m sorry, but if you’re acting like an idiot, I am not going to laugh “with” you as you do this! No freaking way!
14. Health class. It is the epitome of busy work.
15. Learning about organs from down under. In health class. *shudder*

Ehh. It’s late. I’ll try and write again soon.

Say hello to good times

Can you believe how much I’ve changed? Can you believe how much I’ve changed?
Allie and I were talking on the phone yesterday, and we were being nostalgic; I ended up saying something that really surprised me: out of the three years I’ve been at CK, eighth grade has been the absolute best year. This year has sucked, really. I have matured and I have this new self-confidence thing going on, but last year was awesome.

And now that I realize how great last year was, how can I make it such that this year can be just as good?

She waits all day..

… “She stands a stranger in her skin, she moves the science with her hands, she lines the walls with every paper she can see, these words consume her but they never set her free. And then she looked at me to scream, my castles are falling, and I can’t look into the streets without everything changing.”This weekend has been slightly productive. I’ve progressed in my Washington State History Project. I read my AR book. I have plenty of allusions for my project, all I have to do is put them together. Sweet.

My father and I went to see The Hitcher on Friday. It was an all-right movie, but really- why does every other movie in the world have to be all sexed up? Why do directors have to resort to such sleazy tactics in hopes of making more money? That was my only complaint of the movie.

Oh, and the theatre that we went to.. There were a hundred and fifty six seats to see the hitcher. And a hundred and fifty seats were empty. It was the opening day, too! Pretty darned amazing. My dad and I were pretty much the only people there until the ten minutes before the movie actually started. My dad and I had plans of putting the ringers on our cell phones at its highest, and calling each other on separate ends of the theatre during the movie. Sadly, it never happened.

I have the handle on the stencilling thing now, because the contact paper is actually working pretty decently. I just need to find some better paint. Or something. I know that you add the medium to the acrylic paint- but it turned out terribly. It actually worked better without the medium. Ironic. Or maybe I did something wrong. O.o

It is expected that half of the animal species will die out by the end of the century. That is so scary. I am thinking of doing the whole, “living green” thing, but I’m not quite sure. I do want to reduce my impact on the earth, though.

The only reason why I doubt it is because [yup, I have to bring it up again] this could all be made up. Why go through all these measures if I’m not going to go through it again, if all this does not exist in the first place?

I think I should make a list of my favorite words. Because my synesthesia would make it awesome to look down that list. Hehe.

I want to sew something for myself but I can’t put my finger on the idea as to what I’ll actually make. Hmph.

Like the fireworks over the freeway..

..” You grew up and you sparkled, but why don’t you care? “Thursdays are always a bit funky.

Quick postponed our quiz even more, so we’ll have it tomorrow. Eh.

I got about two hours of sleep last night, which totally made me look bright and alert.. *sarcasm* Dad said it is natural for that to happen occasionally with these sleeping meds, but still- I ended up getting two hours of sleep. Way to freaking go.

Romeo and Juliet has not gotten any better. We’re actually in the exact same spot we were a week ago. Hmph. At least I don’t have to do anything but twiddle my thumbs until the last act. Then I really have to do stuff.

I am more than happy that the weekend is coming up. We had three days of school this week.

I feel very dull right now. I don’t really feel ‘right’ anymore. Now that I’ve thought about it even more, I don’t think that it is just “mood swings”, maybe something really is wrong. But, gosh, to add a third medication into the mix would really suck.

Ehh. Glasses are weird

Digging my own grave..

… “Though it’s shallow, I will lie in it, we’re down in the basement, in the dark, after we crashed your car, hoping fast that my arrow hits the mark so you know who we are.”I wore my new glasses to school today. The impression it made on people was actually very positive. Which was pretty cool. Cameron complimented me more than once, actually. Brandon did too, but on different things.. O.o
Apparently, I’m so gifted that I can sport braces AND glasses without looking too shabby. But my eyes hurt alot from adjusting to the change. Ironic.
Oh, and this incident also made me realize how much more of a jerk Ryan is. Go figure. I cannot believe that I dated.. that.
*shudder*

I came home only to find out that my dogs are getting on my parents’ nerves. And they are seriously considering taking them back to the pound. Great.

So many changes are happening at one time, it’s pretty overwhelming, actually. I mean- starting this new regimen of sleeping meds, getting glasses, finding out that we are going to move, my parents threatening to disown our dogs [and being very serious about it], this whole thing with cameron/logan/etc., my new perspective of life is also pretty spooky. I’m starting to doubt everything around me, it’s getting pretty scary. The difference between the truth and a lie? Why does it matter which one is which, if the event occurred in the first place [once more, why do we have to be so fixated on such things as the truth? does is matter, because we will believe whichever sounds more logical to ourselves [moreover, is that even the right word to use here.. o.O]?] Why is it that I have to be like everyone else, that it calms my doctor knowing that I can see as well as I possibly can, even though without the prescription, I don’t even have problems. It makes everyone feel better that I take these darned medications so I can think exactly like everyone else. I am considering not watching the news anymore because it could all be lies, how can we know that such things are happening if we only know because “the news said so”? The newest thing is the idea of hope.. Which has left me in a state of despair. I don’t really feel like myself and I am certainly not acting like myself either. I did not even ask anybody how their day was going today, which I didn’t even notice until I came home and wondered what was going on with everybody else.

I was reading this article about how people with post-traumatic stress sometimes lead better lives after the trauma. The article said something like, “the event has caused the victims to change their view on life, and challenge the basic principles that they have lived by [and most people do]- that bad things do happen to good people without provocation.” One more reason to love Psychology Today.

My whole belief system.. I think I have finally narrowed it down, or at least managed to put it into words:
1. There is not magical force in the universe that is somehow helping us. Humans are egotistical and believe that they ‘need’ or ‘deserve’ such beings to guide them through life.
2. I believe moreso in the human mind and what it can do. I think that most of the things that people believe that were caused by some outside force, is really caused by their hope for the certain outcome/blah, you get it.

Riza and Angela came early this morning so we can drop them off at school since their mom has work.. I was totally not expecting it so I was halfway ready when they got here, and the house was a total mess. Riza gave me another giftcard as part of my christmas present, which was also unexpected.. I feel so bad! All of the gifts they’ve given me total to forty five dollars! Even though it took alot of effort to think of gifts for them, and I am very proud of the outcome of my presents, I still feel pretty terrible that I didn’t really buy them anything, I made them something. All right- technically, I bought the yarn and stuff.
But still. I’m having an emo moment/day, so none of this probably makes sense, and most of it probably is very cynical, but hey, this is my blog! =D

So.. Top Ten Time!
Top Ten Depressing Songs That Amanda Listens to In Her Periods of Distress:
1. The Astronaut- SoCo
2. Flying At Tree Level - Brand New
3. Sadie- Alkaline Trio
4. 3000 Miles- Valencia
5. Surprise Surprise- The Starting Line
6. 23- Jimmy Eat World
7. A-ok- Motion City Soundtrack
8. Ransom- Cartel
9. Don’t Slow Down- Copeland
10. Sesame Smesame- The Early November

We’re only just as happy..

… “As everyone else seems to think we are.. It doesn’t seem there’s hope for me, I let you down, but I won’t give in now, not for any amount.”

We have today off, again. Now that we do not have to make up the days, I’m pretty darned happy.

24 is the best show. Ever. I absolutely love Chloe- but her hair is all wonky for this season. And she’s dating her ex-husband. o.O

I said that I didn’t have any money, but now I remember that I got some giftcards for Christmas. So technically- I have money. To my one of my favorite stores in the world- Joann’s. =D

Dear Komo 4:

Thank you so much for cutting to commercial right before [or right after] you were going to announce the school closure for my school district. I also want to let you know that I appreciate you guys [the news anchors] for informing me about your weekend and how you hope the weather will be during the weekend. And thank you for complaining about your work week. And congratulations- you totally deserved to have “Komo 4″ engraved in the snow on a dedicated viewers’ driveway. And I agree with you on your decision to milk that one action for three episodes. And knowing you guys, you’ll probably show this on television, and milk this for another two or three episodes, after all, this is an open letter.
Oh, and I really like how you warned me that it will be “chilly” outside. All that frozen water definitely did not give me a hint.
- Yours truly.

“So any good feeling someone claims to get from popping their joints is purely, psychological.”
That was the only thing I got out of that whole artical about popping joints. They were talking about bubbles between joints, etc. etc. And that was the only thing that I paid attention to. FTW!

My darling, believe your voice can mean something

… “I, I’ve always believed in futures, I hope for better in November, I try the same losing lucky numbers.”

I haven’t done much this weekend.

I got some allusions yesterday, which was pretty sweet. If only I knew a good way to present them. Presenting is really stupid. If we are simply going to turn in a project in the first place, we’re probably going to get the same grade whether we present it or not.

I cleaned out my room again and moved the things I do not need anymore to the garage. My room feels so empty. At least I found another container full of buttons. I love buttons.

I’ve been thinking of selling some of my old books and magazines on Ebay. Someone is bound to buy it. I have tons of books from the AmericanGirl series, that I absolutely loved in elementary school. Up until like sixth grade, I think. But yeah, I got the magazine for at least three years, which was monthly, and they kept sending me it until the subscription ran out. So I have a bajillion magazines with happy little girls holding puppies on the front of them.

I also have a ton of magazines from seventh grade that I never look at. Yup- Teen People, Seventeen, etc. So I have a bajillion magazines with happy teenagers marketing disease on the cover. Nice.

Ehh.. I need a quick FO to do. If only I could think of something awesome.

I took some pictures a few days ago. Maybe I’ll post those later.

Meh. I just woke up and I feel so hopeless about today. I wanted today to be a day for me to craft. And all I will probably do is homework, and read my AR book. This always seems to happen.

Let’s cause a scene

… “I share with complete strangers my most personal of pleasures. I scribble tidbits of useless mind info- trash, treasure. Spend hours, at my leisure, like sharpened precise tweezers.”

Frame By Frame by the Honorary Title is so beautiful. It is a relatively short song, but the music itself [without the lyrics] really dig deep. The music without the lyrics is so powerful, it has actually made me cry. It’s so pretty- it is black with these electric blue/dark purple dots that sparkle with the piano, and the chords go through it with [also] electric orange lines. It is very busy, but so emotional.

We went to McChord today, and I now have evidence that I have an expensive taste when it comes to clothes. At least when I let myself give in. I spent all of the money that I have on a sweater.

When it came down to it- “if I don’t let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?” I knew that the next time we head up there, it wouldn’t be around. I should indulge in such things every once in a while. I deserve it. I’ve been in such a slump lately, and even though I do not expect this sweater to bring me such happiness, at least I know that I did what I wanted to. And I definitely do not regret spending $44.44 on the sweater. It was discounted, after all *wink*

It’s a three day weekend. Which is something that is supposedly good, but I have nothing to do, and you know what that means. Yup- more time for me to think about anything. Which is not that healthy. I think I’m gradually bringing myself to insanity. I do not know if this is considered as my psyche simply maturing, or if I’m just going crazy, because quite honestly, I’m thinking about things that I have never thought about before. And these thoughts just depress me even more. I do not feel like myself, I feel like I am living outside of myself. I am thinking about the future and how I feel like I need to enrich my life with something. Make my life worth living. Embrace my youth. Have more fun. Regret nothing. Let myself go. Stop holding back. Be more sociable. Be more feminine. College. School. My age. Whether I am really special, or just really typical. My flaws, as well as my strengths. My ego. How I treat people. Why people love me so much. How much I love everyone else. Politics. I have even begun my list of things to do before I die. I’m at around forty, and that only took me a few minutes to write up.

I read a book last night about subliminal advertising. I was skeptical to read it, but it seemed pretty interesting. It ended up being one of the most interesting things I have read in a while.
Subliminal advertising started during the depression when funds were low and people were buying just the necessities. Obviously- companies needed more money, etc. The government hired a special group of people to ‘discover’ the psychology behind advertising and how to make people buy more of such products. They first started using subliminal advertising on television, by hiding an advertisement in the middle of a program for 1/300 of a second. An example of it in the book had four or five slides of a program, and the first and last were normal, but in the middle, the slides were alike but they had “Hungry? Eat Popcorn!” written on it. The dude who first thought of it reported a 57% increase in popcorn sales, but he admitted to lying about that later.

I’m reading The Broker by John Grisham for AR. AR is ending in about two weeks. Megan and I were planning on going to take some tests yesterday during lunch, but we didn’t get around to it. I was secretly hoping that we wouldn’t go because that dude from math finally came around to sit with us. But that’s for another post. Hopefully, we’ll go on Tuesday, but you never know. Laurie’ll be back then, so maybe all three of us will go, since Laurie goes to the library everyday at lunch- so we’ll be a little forced to go! XD

I’m hoping to make something over this weekend, in the sense of jewelry. Because I need to make a cool necklace. I’ve started to wear some more low-cut shirts [don't worry- no boobies popping out or anything, no cleavage, but it is still lower than the other shirts that I usually wear] and I feel so weird without something there. So hopefully, I’ll put some of those awesome charms I bought in the mail to use. I bought those charms forever ago, but I have not found a use for them. Maybe I will if I really try.

Maybe I’ll put those buttons to use that do not have partners. I have some really rad looking buttons, but I can’t use them on garments because they are just one kind of button.

Stay where I can see you

… “When you go away I get so low, like temperatures when they’re at their coldest.. I can name all fifty states, forty eight get in the way, from me being next to you.”

I love the starting line. I haven’t listened to them in forever- but the mere fact that they are recording right now makes me in the mood for them. I hope that their new record is somewhat comparable to Based On A True Story- because then, it will be a masterpiece.

Today’s been really topsy-turvy. We had a two hour delay once more, which was okay. I didn’t expect much last night to come out of the whole snow thing, but at least I got an extra half hour of sleep. I don’t know if I should be proud of that because everyone else got at least two hours more than I did.

We had an assembly today as well, so we had like fifteen minutes in each class. Which was a total waste of time. At least I caught up on my gossip, and filled my quota for small talk.

I should be thinking about college more than I have been. Actually- I’ve been looking at scholarships, but I have not even considered participating in them. So I do care, kind of.

I have lots of stuff going on Tuesday [Monday we have off..], and it stresses me out alot. I’ve decided not to expect much of this weekend, because all it does is make me feel terrible when I’m back in school and I realize that I have wasted away my two days. Never again- I’m not planning to get any school work done this weekend.. o.O

To whom it may concern:

I am smarter and better than you are. You do not ‘have’ to have a hundred and eighty days in a school year. If you expect every single student in your district to be there for a hundred eighty days, you are crazy; so, logically, having us miss a few days of school is not that big of a deal. OMGZ WE HAVE ONLY ATTENDED SCHOOL FOR A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVEN DAYS! We must lower the flag to half mass and declare the country to be in a state of emergency [level five!]
Also, having early release days are ridiculous. Think about it- if we didn’t have early release days, we’d be out of school at the beginning of june. Not the end of it. This also goes back to my original point of you deciding we need a hundred and eighty days in school. Another point I need to bring up is the time we have to be in school. Sure, we need to start our days ‘right’, but do you honestly think that giving five hundred children sleep problems is worth it?
Oh, and giving us textbooks. Do you honestly believe that giving us all scoliosis is going to make is any smarter? And if you think it does- at least give us textbooks that aren’t a hundred years old.
If you honestly believe in these points, then I officially grant myself permission to hit you over the head with my keyboard.
Love-
Your fellow CK freshman.

Needless to say- I’ve been PMS’ing [XD Let's make it into chatspeak! PMS'd.], so that makes me extremely sarcastic and simply in a bad mood! Of course, you, as a blog reader, need to know this, because I will probably write some pretty offensive stuff on here in the next couple of days. Enjoy it. Because everyone loves enjoying other people’s sorrow. Mostly.

And because of that- I’m listening to Brand New as well as The Starting Line. I need some hardcore-ness at times like these.

I want some soup. But we don’t have soup.

I’m banned from cooking in the kitchen. Yes. The irony can get no greater.. So I now have to secretly cook within my household. Because I am banned. From cooking.

*phone rings*
Me: AH! Who’s calling me?! Who is calling my house?!
*phone continues to ring, caller ID says that it is the school*
Me: Oh, forget it- they’ll leave a message.

My neighbor watches my house, like constantly. That fact should freak me out, but it doesn’t. *shrugs shoulders*

I have not managed to think of anything profound or meaningful to say, but I have not added a bit of angst here, so that makes it an accomplishment.

We had an assembly, and instead of sitting with my dear friends [who sit at the way freaking top of the bleachers!], I sat with Angela. Angela’s really cool- but it was a bit weird just because I am [unintentionally] curt with her, I have no idea why, I’ve known her just about as long as her sister, but I tend to be this way with her. She’s really witty and almost always knows what to say, she has one of the best personalities, really.

Megan has finally obtained the internet. I gave her my livejournal but I doubt that she’d come here and read it, because people usually have better things to do than read this blog. Heck, I have better things to do than writing this blog.

I talked to Logan today in history [here comes the angst!], and gosh, it was so weird. I found myself wanting him to sit and talk to me ["oh my god, please just notice me.."], and I’ve never really felt that way with him before. I have admired him for such a long time [pretty much as long as I have known him, actually, not that I am trying to add some kind of depth to the situation. Probably because Allie's talked about him so much because of their history together.], but I guess I have managed to develop some kind of weird crush on him. Nothing would ever come of it- and I would never act on it- but it really depresses me. And he’s just about the last person I would ever expect to be into.

I would hate to end an entry with something like that, so I’ll keep on writing and I hope that some kind of inspiration will come.

I borrowed about twenty books from the library the other day. You can only imagine how awkward it was for me to bring it back to the car, considering I was the only one who held the books and there was nobody around to open the door for me.

“I can tell that you don’t, I smell the sulfur so clear and fires of beautiful sound, and of the ways that you burn, turn to ashes, my dear, and ashes just fall to the ground- and said we’re only ashes.”

… And am I wasting my life thinking about such things? I feel like I am wasting my life but I do not know how to make it such that I am not. I am a solipsist- and I do not know what to do with myself anymore. This could be, and probably is, all made up. If I die, it would not matter how much energy I have put in my career, because this would have all died with me. And even if I do really try in the world [and if the world really exists]- how would I know if the world truly benefits from this; I would be dead. And because I do not believe in heaven or the afterlife- I would not “watch over” the world after I die to find out.

So, I’m an atheist and a solipsist. I do not believe in magic, or humans having any kind of ‘outside’ help. We’re pretty much on our own. Humans like to think that there are such things; because it makes them feel better about themselves and their lives, and it’s one more thing to blame besides ourselves. Quite bluntly, I would love for there to be some kind of divine force out there, but there’s not. I would be a happier person if I did believe in that stuff. But I don’t. And I’m not.

I’ll leave the door open all night..

… “If you decide you want to stop on by… Come to me, I’m the only broken hearted loser you’ll ever need. “

It has snowed. Again. I wouldn’t mind it if they were not planning on taking away our spring break to compensate for all the days we have had off. Yes, they are. At least we only had a delay today.

All in all, today was anything but exciting. I doodled in math today. We have a test tomorrow.

I did not do my math homework until the period before it was due. And you know- I only did it because there was nothing else to do.

The lady at the yarn store did not wind up my hank of Cascade 220 yarn, so I had to wind it up myself. And it ended in tragedy. Cascade 220 > Me.

“Only you can make things happen in your life.”
I read this quote yesterday, and even though it sounds like it would be hung up in a classroom [which was not where I read it from..] it really hit me. I do feel like I have been waiting for something to happen, someone to say something to me, and honestly- I feel so stupid now that I have realized this. There is so much that I want to get accomplished, but why do I not do them? I guess I do expect things to just happen to me, which is not a great way to view life!

I have been feeling slightly rushed lately, mostly because I have also come to the realization of what death is. I’ve always thought of death as some kind of luxury that I have to wait to come around because nothing matters when you are dead. But I have never note that when you are dead- you cannot realize how wonderful the meaninglessness is because you are, after all, not alive.

But you would not necessarily know that you are dead if you were, because you’d be dead. So that brings me to this point: How do you really know if you are alive or not? And, once again, why does it matter if you achieve something great- you would not be around after you are gone- and you do not even know if everyone else is here after you are dead to acknowledge your accomplishments, because this could be merely a dream.

*sigh* All this thinking makes me feel so hopeless, actually. My sleeping meds are not working, at least not as well as I anticipated them to be. I already said that I do not expect these to do miracle work.. But gosh- I am so messed up that I am medicated to sleep. Sleeping is such a natural thing. And I take meds for them- and they don’t even work. I mean really, what is the point of even trying here.

/emo-ness.

I’m fine, I’m fine

… “These words are all I have to hide behind so get behind me, you have no right to stay, I shut my mouth and walk away from the memory game, so don’t forget, don’t forget, I am the reason, some day you’ll understand that everything is A-OK.”

Today was pretty dull. But I have tired myself out mentally to the extent that I was nearly falling asleep in all my classes.

We went to the library/Linda’s after school today. I have not even finished my homework- but I do not care at the moment. I’ll figure it out later- but I am so exhausted. I am so exhausted, I feel almost gelatinous. I can’t help but sigh, because I am just that stressed out. I’m not sure if it has something to do with my new sleeping meds, because I feel quite depressed right now, even though [almost] everything is [kind of] going fine. Everything except for the major guilt that is accumulating in my body about that boy, the stress from school, and just plain-old not getting enough sleep.

Er… I have completely lost control of the whole boy situation thing within two days. Truly amazing. He barely talked to me today, I do not know if it was circumstantial or if he was doing it on purpose. Oh, wow.
And on the other hand, there’s this other dude that I do not want to really admit yet.. But we smile at each other in class. And it is not a mere assumption- he has never talked to me before, and now he does, so now I know that he acknowledges it. As pathetic as the situation is- it’s actually happening. I didn’t even know his name until about two days ago- and I only found out his name because I had to ask three or four people, since it started happening around.. Last Wednesday or Thursday, I’m not quite sure. Maybe it was even earlier. o.O

… “You have my attention, like you’ve had all the while, from the moment you made my heart smile, you have my attention.”

Aaand there’s this thing going on in my group of friends. It is pretty heartbreaking, ironically. Because seriously- our hormones have finally kicked in and everybody likes everyone else. It is disgusting. Oh my god, you have no clue. Teagan is constantly flirting with Brandon too- which is pretty bad. And very annoying. You have no idea how annoying it is. Sometimes I just wish she would go away. She’s talking loud, she’s being egotistical and selfish, talking about herself all the time, touching him, too. I am seriously considering the idea of sitting somewhere else at lunch tomorrow *gasp* , because I can’t stand it. But knowing her- she’d follow me. This is a mere example of the raunchiness that is happening at our table.

We barely even had fun today at lunch because of all the stuff that is going on. I’m happy that I choose not to have crushes on boys in my group of friends- or at least I’m happy that I do not currently have one/if I were to, I would never act on it. Lunch is not something that I look forward to [omgz itz lunch!!], but it is something that I particularly enjoy, we all have tons of fun together, and yet all this [dare I say it] drama is getting in the way.

I am so excited about finishing my sweater. I am running out of things to wear this week.. And I want to dress to kill for at least a little while. I am making a real effort here instead of going the easy way out by wearing sweatshirts. Even though I know that nobody else cares about what I wear.

I’ve told you my situations and compromises
You know them all too well
You say my name out of endearment, and greatfulness that you know me.
You look at me in a way that would ordinarily freak me out..
But it doesn’t.
And I know you’re claimed, and I can’t afford to drop your name
I’ve dropped his. He’s a dessert for thought that I can only dose so many times a day.
It’s the healthy alternative to saying it out loud

And the other one knows so much, too much
He always talks too much, too little, too early, to impress.
His bright yellow name with that bright red accent..
Could he be what my label accepts as an accessory?
I wish too much and you dream too hard.
Maybe I do, I did.

And the other one looks perfect
I fill in the reasons, the flaws, and my favorites
only because I can- I barely know him by name.

The choice is clearly written out when it write it in prose.

Wasted conversations in the corner of an empty room..

… “So don’t ask me out, don’t make me try, because I’m just going to let you down… Last call for societal knockdown, here’s for my endeavors loosely based on someone else’s song, melodrama and a bottle of wine, yeah, here’s so self-expression, here’s to every one-night stand.”
Oh, the angst.

So, today I was talking to Courtney in the library [since the history class all went] and we were on the computers, innocently discussing our current dramas. I talked about how Anthony is wonderfully, teasing me about my crush on Cameron. You are already seeing it coming, right? Yup- he was right behind me.

It is more complex than the thought of being rejected, it is the complete opposite. Knowing how non-confrontational he is- he will not even bring up the incident. But he does think that I like him now. And I really really hope that he doesn’t get up the courage to ask me out [because knowing how traditional he is- he'd do it in person.] or tell me that he likes me [just as bad. It's more personal, I suppose.] I have led him on too far here, as unintentional as it was. Oh, someone help me.

With a heart so pure…

… “You could fall so quickly, but don’t you dare slow down with me, were it not for hearts like mine, calloused, stickly… Because your words hit like a train and I can’t ignore it, this moment could be our last, you fall in love and I’m running after, you move way too fast. “

I am almost running out of my cascade 220 of both colors. Ugh! I am almost done with it- I just have to do the sleeves/sew on the buttons [which is like a ten minute task- ah!] and my LYS is closed on Sundays and Mondays. I’m dying here! I was looking to finish it this weekend.

I was also looking to make some scones this morning. And we had about less than 1/4 cup of flour. Yes. Since dad was going to the store anyways- he is there right now buying it.

Add to this to the list- I still have to do math homework, I have chores to do.. I hate Sundays. I am starting to hate weekends in general. I never get everything I want in those twenty four hours that I am awake [yes, I sleep twelve hours every night, or at least try to..] I bet the last thing you want to do is read my to-do list, but hey, it’s just more filler! =)

Saturday and Sunday to-do list [1/6 and 1/7]:
- do homework, find at least one allusion for project*
- clean out backpack
- clean out binder*
- clean room/do dishes
- find a nice way to use up my old magazines
- find a way to contain my new magazines
- clean out makeup bag
- find that adbusters magazine for a way cheaper price
- buy cascade 220/more baby alpaca yarn
- find another LYS that is open all week
- find a new AR book*
- Study for science*
- scavenge around the house for some more DPNS
- scavenge around my room to find five buttons that look alike and match my current WIP
- I suppose- until I buy my cascade 220- start a trellis scarf from vogueknits and use the blue-green baby alpaca yarn I bought
- get christmas presents together to hand out on monday
- make something for Katie K. that has to do with P!ATD
- buy No Fear Shakespeare* [actually.. The library has it! Nobody else thought of this! What now!=D]
- Find some way to spruce up my old handmade sweater because the neckline is slightly off the shoulder [the pattern made it that way- so I tried altering it by CO less stitches.. I suppose five stitches does not make much of a difference.]
- Find a way to get mom/dad to take me to the LYS/ St. Vinnie’s on Tuesday
- Find other thrift stores to go to that are open every day of the week
- Make myself a wallet to keep money
- Find an ipod case for my new ipod

The ones with the * are things I achieved yesterday. Not much. But I am so close to binding off on the bodice of my sweater- I just have to finish this round and start binding it off.. I am so scared that I’ll be out of yarn though because it have about less than two feet left for me to bind off. And if I have leftovers, I will be so greatful for the scrap yarn- and I’ll use it to sew on the buttons to keep me preoccupied.

But yeah. Cascade 220 looked like it would be not produce the smoothest fabric when it was on the skein, but it is actually pretty good. I really like this. I bought it mostly because of the colors that are available as opposed to the texture [it's not like I wear the sweater right against my skin]
/yarnspeak

I talked to Carmina last night on aim. She’s been my friend ever since fourth grade, she lives in California now. We have a weird friendship- we talk every once in a while on aim, but when we do, we have extraordinarily long conversations. She’s one of those people that you can have heart-to-heart conversations with, and you do not necessarily feel corny. We always tell each other that we are ‘true’ friends- and I really think we are. Since she moved away, she knows what I am going through right now with the whole Maryland thing.

When something like this happens [you know- moving.] I almost always end up distancing myself from my friends unintentionally. I tend to sabotage my friendships and I do not even realize it. I really want to hang out with my friends more for the rest of this year and next- I just don’t know how. They already hang out without me [like Lorren, Shelley, and Mary], and I would love to hang out with them too. But I am afraid that they would out me, and form their own little group- whether they mean to or not. I don’t [or wouldn't] blame them for them- it’s just something that people do.

The Honorary Title is pretty good- they are alot softer than SoCo or Jack’s, but they have similar sounds. I like them. But the only song that really seems to stick is their single- Frame By Frame- but I think that is only because I’ve listened to it more than the rest.