What is life really? It amazes me how I feel like I am not real at all. I wonder if I am alive. I don’t understand the things I do. I feel like I cannot control anything anymore, even though I know that I do have power. Do I have power but I don’t know how to use it? I cannot believe how confused I am. I feel like I am not really living my life. I only see myself doing things but I don’t know how to control myself. I don’t understand how I am anymore. I am too different than the world even understands. Yes, I am a teenager, this is a stage? How do I know this is only a stage? Yes, other people think that they are really weird and different. But no one thinks the way that I do. It depresses me to know that nobody else feels or thinks or acts the way that I do.

OMGITSWINTERBREAK.
It makes me happy knowing that I dont have to go to school for two weeks. two weeks really isnt much, but it will feel longer because of the excitement of the holidays.
I am going to try and be more open here.

I hate anticipation and I hate being excited. It does not matter to me whether it is a long period of time or even a short period of time because I know that after its over I will not feel the same way or I will be let down. I picture the turnout and it is always too far-fetched to be met.

this is all sounding stupid, and I know you are thinking that it is stupid of me to write. even for me to write that you are thinking that makes me sound stupid.

today sucked too, and I don’t really want to talk about it

just because it is all really stupid.
uhm..
I got a book from the library called Danielito y el dinosauro. I LOVE IT. ITS ABOUT THIS LITTLE BOY WHO VISITS A MUSEUM AND HE MEETS A DINOSAUR AND THEY GO AROUND TOWN. Sure, its a picture book, but I love it =D
This week is almost over, thank god. I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE DAY UNTIL THE WEEKEND. I have more time to brood that way.
We are getting a tivo upstairs next week.
I have to do some stuff this weekend. I was planning on going to the mall and getting christmas presents. But Riza can’t go. I want to go with Allie but mom and dad won’t let me. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go with Morgan, I have been planning on hanging out with her more.
ohh guess what?

I’m synaesthetic. Nope, not SYNTHETIC. its weird. I dont want to explain it. Two people called me freaks for it. Its about thinking.
Great, I’ll just write it here because you all are going to think things. Well.. I see numbers as colors. its like, one is yellow, two is blue, three is green, four is purple, and so on. Supposedly only one in two thousand Americans have that. I asked around about it and nobody else thinks this way. Isn’t that just splendid? Really. I always thought that this is something normal. When I actually talked about it, this happens. It is not a bad thing. It means that I am creative and right-brained. Apparently. This is not the stupid thing either.

The stupid thing is a whole lot stupider just because I make it that way. Alot of guys like me, and the one I want to like me, does not. That is really lucky. Uhm.. yeah.

I want to listen to Blink so badly right now.

Am I strung out crazy or not allowed to be the one who gets stupid over you? Lazy, laid-back, maybe youre just on crack, why am I the one who gets f***** up over you?

Yup. Thats what I am wondering.

This is sad. And stupid. Really.

When I actually have to write about it on my ONLINE JOURNAL, it gets pathetic.

I have learned so much about myself in the past month, its amazing.
I mean, in one month I accomplished to know I am the following:
- synaesthetic
- psychic
- clairvoyant
- an empath
- PRECOGNITO
that all I can think of right now. but it does surprise me. It is cool, I guess.

Today after school I went to the memorial for mr.ron, for the first time I cried, and I preferred not to be around everyone else. the whole feeling in the room was depressing. everytime I talked to someone, it just made me feel like crying more. Mr.McNett was there, I wanted to talk to him, but we left. I’ll see him again, I know it. That is all that is really exciting, really. Its not even exciting in the right sense either. I am really tired. I am really stressed out.

STRESS IS NOT GOOD. DO NOT BE STRESSED. OR ELSE YOU DIE. AND YOURE STRESSED, SO THEN YOU ARE REALLY SCREWED.